Real L Word Episode 107 Recap: It’s My Party and I’ll Cry, Scream or Wrestle If I Want To


This Reminds me of my First Crystal Gold-Plated Double-Donged Dildo

Nikki and Jill cannot let Designer Dan go wild in their home. This is not Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, this is not just some 1am HGTV show about rich people making meals for G-d. This is THE REAL L WORD and unless that chandelier can be removed, taken apart, and used to dildo-fuck at least 17 Real Lesbians, it has no place in this episode.  Besides. You know. IT’S SO BIG.

This Chandelier is Poly

Jill: “Oh my god! That’s just one arm? And there’s 16 of em? Is he on crack!
Nikki: “Gorgeous! More is MORE!”

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Riese: This is so weird and irrelevant.
Laneia: I think Nikki is actually being hilarious here. She seems to be thoroughly enjoying this moment.

It’s a little larger than Jill envisioned. Dan tells Nikki that they’ll be like Lesbian Liberaces, which is exactly the kind of nightmare that makes Nikki and Jill giggle.

This scene is also about strap-ons, right? Just checking.


We Are Gathered Here Today To Mourn the Loss of Three Characters

Paintball Time! Whitney introduces Mikey as “the fucking shit” and Mikey introduces Rose as “her boy” because they “go back 7 or 8 years.” They met at a support group for women who talk too loud; Mikey was the inspiration for Kit’s Drunk Stunt Double on The L Word.

Whitney requests she not be on Tor’s team because of their bet. Tor demonstrates how she’s gonna fuck Whitney:

Alyssa knows the score:

This is sort of like The Revolutionary War, except lesbians are the British, both sides are separate but equal, and there’s no tea:

Rose: “All of our friends are a little more on the athletic side. Not to mention we grew up in the ‘hood, so we know how to shoot.” [beat] “I’m kidding.”

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Carly: I’m shocked she didn’t follow that up with “with my dick.”
Riese: Listening to Mikey talk might literally kill me.
Laneia: Why can’t i think of anything to say.
Riese: Because you said it all during episode 404 of The L Word and it was funnier then.

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Whitney:We’re like the bad news bears, the motliest crew you’ve ever seen.”

After an informative rundown on the rules of paintball, paintball is played, eventually coming down to Whitney vs. Tor! If this is real life, then fuck me with a strap-on right now, there is a Goddess.

You know what else gets played? Our hearts. By how cute Tor is.

Whitney: “There is one stealth little bandit up at the top of the hill. Creeper Keepers, sneaky snake. Guess who it is? It’s LA FASHION WEEK.”

Just kidding! She didn’t say ‘It’s LA Fashion Week,’ she said “It’s Tor.”

Riese: Robocops!
Laneia: She’s so tiny in that giant helmet!
Riese: This is like how we used to want to see Alice in a winter jacket!
Laneia: YESSSSS!
Riese: I didn’t realize this until now, but I’ve been wanting Tor to wear a paintball outfit all this time! Look at her socks and her little army pants!
Jess: I hope she straps on the paintball gun when she fucks her.
Riese: Jess.
Laneia: I just fell in love w/ Tor AGAIN
Riese: Tor’s like an advertisement for weareallmadeofkittens.tumblr.com.

THIS IS WHERE I WROTE A NOTE TO MYSELF TO WRITE MORE HERE BUT THEN DIDN’T.

Laneia: Tor in a Hoodie Team Tor!
Jess: I kinda wanna do baby koala with Whitney just for funsies.
Laneia: I’ll kick Whitney in the ass.
Riese: I prefer girls that are 5’6 or above BUT I still would like to just cuddle with Tor.
Laneia: Yeah team tor for cuddles #CUDDLETOR!

So tonight is Craft Night, that settles it.


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Yeah I Dunno, Ilene Won’t Let This “The Farm” thing go, she’s making me read it again just to be sure

Tracy is outside reading a script and having some lunch and talking to her Mom. Here’s how we know:

Tracy: “I’m at a park, it’s my lunch hour, and I’m reading a script and eating some lunch.”

Once again, we have speakerphone and we can’t hear a goddamn thing.

Riese: Speakerphone is the new Jodi.
Laneia: Amen.

I Sort of Want Her to Lick this Blackberry, I Don’t Know Why

However, while recapping I discovered close captioning as aforementioned:

Tracy: So how do I convince you to come out for my birthday? I want you to meet Stamie.
Mom: Let’s play that one by ear.
Tracy: Um… so we had sort of a handshake agreement way back that we weren’t to talk about certain things. I think some time has passed and I sorta want to revisit. I wanna revise that agreement.
Mom: It’s hard, it’s not easy and you cannot blame me for the way that I feel and I bet you 100 million mothers out there feel the same way.

Yes, and all 100 million of them are wrong. Besides, Tracy’s been giving her Mom space/time for many years, and now it’s Tracy’s turn to get respect from Mom. Instead, Mom says that things Moms say that make daughters never want to talk to their Moms again:

Mom: You think you are maybe a little confused? Some people go through stages. They like to experiment.
Tracy: I know for me that it’s not. I’d be the first person to raise my hand and say it might be or fess up but it’s not, you know —
Mom: It’s hard, it’s not easy, it takes time.*
Tracy: I know I’m guess I’m very patient but I guess I just wanna include you in all of my life, not just 90% of it.
Mom: I’m not yet at the point where I would feel comfortable seeing you close to that person like you would do with a boy. If you were with a boy, it’s a total different thing to me. You have to be in my shoes, okay?

Mmmk I put on Mom’s shoes and still feel like she should meet Stamie.

*That’s what she said


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Grasp It, Sense It, Tremulous and Tender

Back at Jill and Nikki’s, a lighting fixture is being installed. For all we know, paint is drying as well, and Jill and Nikki are as surprised to see this mundane footage aired as Romi was to see her sex scene on-screen. Then it falls and kills the dogs. JK, nobody dies. This isn’t The L Word, this is the Real L Word where everybody is immortal.

Laneia: Oh Nooooo NOT THE CHANDELIER!
Jess: I’m worried for this guy’s life at this moment.
Riese: But think of the lighting, Jess. Think of the lighting.

Walking on Broken Glass

But let’s not forget about Passover. How will the guests know the difference between saltwater and wine without a giant light in their faces?

Nikki: I’m glad that nobody got hurt, but the chandelier is ruined!

“That chandelier needs to be in this house,” says Nikki. But it is! In pieces. Something similar happened to me 2-10 times with wine bottles, and shards remain in my feet to this day. So.

Jill: “I don’t want it falling on guests, I don’t want it falling on me and you, and I don’t want it falling on the dog.”

Well then who is it supposed to fall on? The Mexicans installing your lighting fixture? This show is racist.


Laneia: Jill has PST, re: chandelier
Riese: PTSD.
Laneia: Right yes, PTSD. I can’t be arsed w/ all of those letters


Sometimes when I need some “bottom perspective,” I toss a rock onto that bottom and take a look at my life. Other times, I invite Scarlett to help me buy a dildo.

Sometimes, Scarlett has bad ideas, like a red glittery dildo and expensive harness.

Whitney: “Number one, I’m not down with the glitter and number two that does not give good support… this is too fancy pants.”

Sometimes, Scarlett has fantastic ideas:

Sometimes, the shop girl is super-cute:

Sometimes, Whitney steals a line from The L Word

Whitney: “If I were a guy, I’d have a giant cock.”

And sometimes Whitney buys a gigantic dildo which Scarlett thinks will match Whitney’s skin tone “in winter,” which compliments our Vampire Theory.

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Riese: That thing is bigger than Tor’s abdomen!
Laneia: I vote that she doesn’t even have one, and therefore must procure one for this episode.
Riese: I agree.
Laneia: They’re not even shopping for dildos! She doesn’t even have a HARNESS. Everybody has a fucking harness!
Riese: Good point, Sherlock! I concur.

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The Girls Are Over There Ready for Your Dildo Quick Hurry!

Whitney buys a dildo and lube, now she can go stick her penis in a pie or growl/fly.


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You Know What’s More Fun Than Cake Boss? Sex.

Tor’s wearing her sexypants so Whitney’s ready to ride the pony.

Whitney’s got so many sex toys, she explains,”why not use them?” Like tonight she’s gonna “cash in on her winnings” with Tor, like when you rock Skee-Ball and trade 500 tickets for a plastic mouse-head shaped travel coffee mug and an edible candy necklace.

Riese: That thing is going to literally break her entire body open.
Laneia: She’s having strap-on sex, for the first time, on teevee? Can we take a sympathy shot?
Riese: Yes.
Laneia: SYMPATHY CUDDLETOR SHOT!
Riese: Shot for every time someone does something on teevee that nobody should ever do on teevee.

The dynamic duo retire to the bedroom for a long night of hymen-busting.

No cameras were present.


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On “The Real Real World” They Just Tapped the Phones Argh

Rose’s grandmother’s head has exploded because Rose always talks so loud. I mean she has pneunomia, a pain on her side, can’t walk anymore, and her head was eaten by a zombie. Also, Rose’s Dad is on speakerphone because that’s how people communicate on Planet Real.

Riese: I can barely hear my own speakerphone!
Laneia: I’m going to start using speakerphone b/c i think it’ll make me a more authentic lesbian.

They’re gonna go to the hospital, where I can’t make strap-on jokes anymore. Because of death. And illness. And flowers.

Nat doesn’t know what she can do in this situation besides try and support Rose, even if stress turns Rose into a griefmonster.

Laneia: Nothing, sweetie. There is nothing for you to do.
Riese: Grandparents always die. Try being waterboarded. That’s hard.
Carly: Rose is being really intense about her grandma being in the hospital. Family members being rushed off to the hospital is like, totally normal in my world, but maybe that’s not actually normal?


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One Night in Tor

The happy couple wake up the next morning, and Whitney enthusiastically recounts that they did it “balls to the wall” with “no inhibitions.” She says that “victory has been sealed,” unlike Tor’s hymen.

Tor said that it was “fucking amazing” and that “they have something together” and she just “doesn’t know where it’s gonna go.” I do!

You’ll understand better when you’re older/in about ten minutes.


I Don’t Know, the “Culture” Guy Told Me This Drum Would Add Ambiance

Nikki doesn’t wanna look at the shank bone on the seder plate. Religion is mostly about misery, Nikki, get with it.

Nikki: I don’t want to look at a shank bone, I really don’t, it grosses me out.
Dan: G-d appreciates the effort.

Basically Designer Dan, like George W. Bush, has a direct line to G-d now. Unsurprising.

Nikki is stressing out because,“there is so much pressure to make sure the place is gorgeous and the table is set.” Uh yeah how do you think MOSES felt PARTING THE RED SEA?

Then they have a riveting argument about the chandelier because Nikki wants it and Jill doesn’t. And that’s also what she said.

Laneia: I’m taking this Jillnikki interlude to get vodka. Hope you don’t mind.
Riese: Passover is not about light fixtures or silver or nice tables or lighting!
Jess: I can’t wait for thejewishweek.com to hear about passover dinner featured on Showtime and those nice old Jews sitting through strap-on shopping.

In Case You Forgot, Jill + Nikki = In Love

Nikki pleads with Jill to talk to Dan before she closes her mind to the incredible possibility of this gorgeous chandelier which can bake bread, shampoo dogs, find your keys, and will be installed by purebread Aryan ponies.

Jill: “And let me tell you something: this argument — she is not winning. There is no chandelier in my home. Moving forward.”

Thank you Jill. If you’re looking for ideas, this is what I have in my room:

It’s broken though at the top, like the dome part is cracking? So you can’t bump it!


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CAKEBOSS

THE DAY HAS ARRIVED IT IS WHITE TRASH POOL PARTY DAY I AM SO EXCITED I PUT ON MY WATER WINGS

Whitney: I’m not gonna lie, my sister and I, we come from a little bit of White Trash. If you have more cars that don’t work in your driveway than do, you’re white trash. If you have your main source of beverage as Tang, you might be a little white trash. You know what, it’s a good way to be raised!

Like most of the activities on this show, White Trash Pool Party is, above all else, about white people. In this case, we’re combining white people with bikinis, Jell-o shots, beer, and daylight.

Also there will be creamed corn wrestling. I know you thought that was duck-sperm, but it’s not, nor is it vomit.

LOOK:

Riese: Wait, I’ve spent a lot of time with white trash and there was no creamed corn wrestling.
Laneia: They don’t roll around in vomit/creamed corn.
Riese: Right, vomit goes behind the trailer. Where nobody goes except your uncle to smoke sometimes.
Jess: Aren’t white trash parties supposed to be ironic?


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Laneia: Riese I feel like you can relate to Mikey’s #1 feeling right now.
Riese: What is it, I was staring at the wall, imaging an island of unicorns
Laneia: That she’s the boss and shouldn’t be doing these menial jobs.
Riese: Omg. I relate to Mikey. I need to take a drink.

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I felt guilty when Intern Lily tweeted to thank me for never yelling at her like Mikey does. Although I’d never yell at Intern Lily, I mean look at her, if she cried I’d probs shoot straight to hell via Godsent lightning bolt…

… I do sometimes want to yell at people. But then I don’t, because I’m nice/too busy. It was weird, I showered afterwards.


Whitney Has Like Five Good Ideas a Day, This is One of Them

Back at the White Trash Pool Party!  Romi aka Trouble has arrived, feather-in-ear, with the rest of her crew.

Whitney informs Scarlett:

Riese: I feel like every week it really is sort of an exercise in seeing how many things that make me feel weird or bored they can fit into 54 minutes.
Laneia: Yes Riese, I think you’re right..
Riese: I have similar feelings about “The Dinah Shore Weekend,” but at least at Dinah Shore I’m around you guys which makes me feel safe.

HEY LADIES looking for a way into Whitney’s “heart”? Well I’ve got some tips for you. Because Whitney tells us why she loves who she loves.

Q: Why Does Whitney Love Scarlett?

Because when Whitney asked Scarlett if she wanted to roll around in canned food —

Q: Why Does Whitney Love Tor?

Because when Whitney asked Tor if she wanted to roll around in canned food —

Whitney and Scarlett wrestle. Scarlett’s got a leg up. Why?

This is true, there’s a girl there dressed like a vagina.

We talked about it later, it’s on tumblr, if you wanna check it out, here it is:

So Jess should have that for you soon.

Whitney is “slightly turned on by this match-up.” Furthermore, Whitney’s alter-ego Austin Powerlesbians suggests, “Maybe we should take this creamed-corn wrestling into the bedroom or something.”

PYT PRODUCTIONS IS THE BAWMB

Jess: Does Tor have a tattoo of a giant bat on her thigh?
Riese: Yes, that’s how Whitney branded her.
Laneia: How do you win this game?
Riese: You kill yourself.

This whole thing makes Romi “sick to her stomach.” Tor seems happy. That’s love up there. Love in a corn-tub.

Laneia: I will cuddle Tor if it’s the last fucking thing I do.
Riese: You know, I feel like we could make that happen.
Laneia: Goal.
Riese: We need a bucket list for things we have to do before we die except by “die” we mean “turn 35.” Or 30.
Laneia: Um 31. For me 31.
Riese: 31. Still not much time. How about until Tracy turns 31?


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My OKCupid Profile Said I Liked Long Talks on The Beach Too

Tracy and Stamie are sitting on the beach looking into the horizon at the lapping waves, talking about how Tracy’s Mom has got it going on with the divorce, and as soon as she deals with that she’ll deal with Tracy’s Homosexual Experiment.

Stamie: Like, your Mom loves you unconditionally, but doesn’t necessarily want all her friends to know that her daughter’s a muff-diver, you know?
Tracy: When you see my Mom you can’t mention “Muff-Diver.”
Stamie: ... that she’s a Clam-Jumper.

Stamie says she’s not gonna do anything embarrassing when she meets Tracy’s Mom, and is supportive and the beach is lovely.

Carly: WHERE ARE THE DOGS? Oh, there are some dogs, but those don’t look like either of their dogs. Maybe there are more dogs on this show than I originally counted, which is a thrilling new development, believe me.

Pages: 1 2 3See entire article on one page

Riese is the 38-year-old Co-Founder and CEO of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker, low-key Jewish power lesbian and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 2836 articles for us.

66 Comments

  1. After reading that RealityTv expert tips and tricks of showbiz ,I actually tuned in and watched this entire episode just to look for anything suspicious. /AS influences me.

  2. I can’t get past the fact that in Mikey’s email the word entrance is spelled ENTTRANCE!! Wondering if she actually sent that out to guests is probably going to keep me up all night.

  3. every original graphic in this recap made me LOL SO FUCKING HARD that i had to cover my face, get up, drink some water, spit in a sink and REGROUP.

    i love you a lot.

    JESUS CHRIST, WORLD. TAYLOR MADE A DOODLE OF EDWARD CULLEN IN A STRAP-ON. THERE ARE NO WORDS.

  4. also, THIS:

    “So now everytime I almost say “it’s not me,” that’s what I think about. It’s also what I think about when someone else says “it’s not me.” Clearly it is you, it was you. You just can’t fathom looking at that part of you. You never even learned how to look at it, you know?”

  5. Thank you, again. I only had a really crappy amount of money left on my credit card but I still gave it you anyway. It might buy you like…a cookie? Or maybe 3 light bulbs for Nikki and Jill’s chandelier?

  6. There is seriously no need for me to watch this awful show about lesbian fame whoring in LA because your recaps I’m guessing are like 100 million times more entertaining.

    Laneia: How do you win this game?
    Riese: You kill yourself.
    <3

  7. “Alyssa lays the smackdown about how it’s gross to share a bed with Tor, fuck her on it, roll around in creamed corn, get creamed corn all up in your fucking dreds, fuck another girl on the bed with the same strap-on, and then expect to take your nasty-ass creamed corn hair and your white trash tangy davy crockett pellet piece of shit hat back into your dingy matress with Tor, who should be CUDDLING, CUDDLING, with somebody… anybody. Else.”

    That was definitely one of the funniest things I’ve ever read.

    This recap was aces! Full of despair and dread, just like my own personal viewing of this episode. I just kept thinking to myself, “I hope my mom doesn’t have Showtime anymore, or else I can never see her again.” This show is ruining all of our happy lesbian lives.

  8. Does Whitney really think sleeping with Tor is some kind of thing to collect? I wonder if she just does this to posture for the cameras. When I slept with guys I avoided guys who treated women like this like the plague, sad state of affairs if she really thinks the way she treated Tor. Also if that dildo wasn’t washed in between Romi must have been hurting the next day. Condoms people, even for strap-ons.

  9. last night i was at the bar chatting with a friend about this show and she was like, “omg that show it TERRIBLE. WHY IS IT SO TERRIBLE.”

    and i said, “bc of IFC.”

    and she goes, “who’s that?”

    and i said, –well, first i hung my head low bc i was like, oh man, if only i didn’t know who she was too. what i would give for that, or for her to stop ruining our lives/progress/etc.– so anyway, i said, “she is the creator of the L word. the real one. now think of every episode of TLW that you hated.”

    [she listed them quickly in her brain and then]

    “those episodes? the really bad ones. the facepalm episodes. there’s a good chance she wrote every single one of those.”

    and then this moment of clarity came over and she was all, “omg fuck her. fuck IFC. seriously.”

  10. I keep reading ‘IFC’ to mean the Independent Film Channel and it befuddles me because I like that channel. Then I get it’s Chaiken.

    So everyone has her as ‘effin’ Chaiken, correct? Unless her middle name starts with an F. F as in fail. Frigged it up.

  11. I feel chunks rise in my throat at every screen shot of the creamed corn, so I had to scroll past it reallyreally fast, which was unfortunate because if they were Turkish Oil Wrestling, it could have been kind of hot. Even canola oil, since it was a white trash party, and maybe Turkish Oil is expensive? idk

    Also, I laughed out loud several times while reading this recap, which I never do. Thank you all for watching this so I don’t have to/and later admitsay that I did. Robin, I would stand in the kitchen with you girl.

  12. One time I went to Vegas with some friends and we decided to see a Cirque du Soleil show and chose Zumanity, which is the adults only porn-ish one.

    There were naked midgets, topless clowns, oily contortionists, and some lady singing “sex is beautiful” while wearing some sort of vulva-zela on her head.

    It was horrifying and I was so turned off I didn’t want to have sex for like, a month.

    That strap-on scene was worse. Oh man. My vagina just packed her bags and ran away.

  13. I wish someone could force IFC to read your recaps. Just to teach Miss Teacher what it’s like to be creative…

    Thank you all for cracking me up EVERY time, because I really need a good laugh after watching this horrible show.

  14. so I clicked on the link and re-read the season 4 recap of the real, original, awesome L Word. it reminded how much I loved that show & how much it sucks that this is supposed to be a good replacement…

  15. “Tracy: I know I’m guess I’m very patient but I guess I just wanna include you in all of my life, not just 90% of it.”

    All I have to say is, if my girlfriend ever says I only account for 10% of her life, she’ll find me accounting for 0%, approximately 10 seconds after that.

  16. creamed corn wrestling!?! WTF? how? what? why?

    i can’t even form a sentence. watching them pour that crap in the pool made my stomach turn. who decided this made good tv? the infamous IFC, i presume? how is it possible with all the hours upon hours of footage they had that this made into the series? & how many lesbians roll around in creamed corn? that number has to be minuscule.

  17. Did anyone else notice that there weren’t even paintballs coming out of the paintball guns? This bothered me more than anything else, it was completely fake. I mean, I know they had to set up the last two players, but they could have at least really shot at eachother right? Is my TV broken?

  18. The *screenshots* of this episode burned my eyes out. The only good part was the glimpse of Romi’s boobs, but even that was tainted by the horrible strap-on sex and airing of said atrocities w/o Romi’s consent.

    IFC has tainted boobs for me. That has never, ever happened before.

  19. Ummm…isn’t IFC reliving some of her L-word characters here Jill/Nikki a bit like Tina/Bette.Wouldn’t Whitney’s exploits be similar to a slightly more graphic and less likable Shane ? Where the hell is my fave character the nutty yet beautiful Jenny Schecter? I like Riese had to try to erase my memory of this episode.I used some silly T & S banter vids which seemed to help quite a lot.Until I read this recap.The next big question is who will IFC kill off.I think the whole cast would work for me.Except for Tor I kinda like her.

  20. You guys are hilarious. I have been fan of your recaps for years…!!

    Since the Real L Word premiered i have been wondering how low can Ilene Chaiken go this time. Now i know, VERY LOW!

    The last episode was embarassing even for a reality show.

    I know that these characters don’t represent anyone else but themselves, but still they make me feel uncomfortable as a gay person.

    I’m still wondering why some intelligent people agreed in the first place to take part in IC’s masterpiece.

    For instance, Tracy. I believe she had the honest intention to put herself out there so as to inspire young gay people and help the community etc. But really, what was she thinking? Didn’t she watch the L Word? She’s a TV producer for Christ sake. I hope her association with IC’s trashy reality won’t hurt her career. I suspect that her girlfriend had something to do with this. She wanted to promote her own acting career through Tracy.

    As for Nikki and Jill, i’m wondering if they have realized by now that they are presented as unbearably shallow.

  21. To perform the reading, RobinAlexis does a mashup combining the following: Natalie Portman’s manic pixie dance in Garden State, The Exorcist (later recalled by Tracy), Shark Week, Dolphin Sounds, the noise of children playing/crying in the back area of a Mormon Church service, Jenny’s mime/circus hallucinations, and Bette Midler’s “Oh Industry” from Beaches.
    – this would be my favorite part of the summary but it’s like making Sophie’s Choice because it’s always hilarious especially the “bump it” mikey and whoreface whitney comments and the unrelatability of chandelier shopping

  22. Donated 10 bucks. I probs should’ve given more, but hopefully if everyone gives 10, you can buy a sufficient amount of weed to get you through watching the rest of the season. That’s what I hope my money would be going toward, at least.

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