This Reminds me of my First Crystal Gold-Plated Double-Donged Dildo
Nikki and Jill cannot let Designer Dan go wild in their home. This is not Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, this is not just some 1am HGTV show about rich people making meals for G-d. This is THE REAL L WORD and unless that chandelier can be removed, taken apart, and used to dildo-fuck at least 17 Real Lesbians, it has no place in this episode. Besides. You know. IT’S SO BIG.
This Chandelier is Poly
Jill: “Oh my god! That’s just one arm? And there’s 16 of em? Is he on crack!”
Nikki: “Gorgeous! More is MORE!”
Riese: This is so weird and irrelevant.
Laneia: I think Nikki is actually being hilarious here. She seems to be thoroughly enjoying this moment.
It’s a little larger than Jill envisioned. Dan tells Nikki that they’ll be like Lesbian Liberaces, which is exactly the kind of nightmare that makes Nikki and Jill giggle.
This scene is also about strap-ons, right? Just checking.
We Are Gathered Here Today To Mourn the Loss of Three Characters
Paintball Time! Whitney introduces Mikey as “the fucking shit” and Mikey introduces Rose as “her boy” because they “go back 7 or 8 years.” They met at a support group for women who talk too loud; Mikey was the inspiration for Kit’s Drunk Stunt Double on The L Word.
Whitney requests she not be on Tor’s team because of their bet. Tor demonstrates how she’s gonna fuck Whitney:
Alyssa knows the score:
This is sort of like The Revolutionary War, except lesbians are the British, both sides are separate but equal, and there’s no tea:
Rose: “All of our friends are a little more on the athletic side. Not to mention we grew up in the ‘hood, so we know how to shoot.” [beat] “I’m kidding.”
Carly: I’m shocked she didn’t follow that up with “with my dick.”
Riese: Listening to Mikey talk might literally kill me.
Laneia: Why can’t i think of anything to say.
Riese: Because you said it all during episode 404 of The L Word and it was funnier then.
Whitney: “We’re like the bad news bears, the motliest crew you’ve ever seen.”
After an informative rundown on the rules of paintball, paintball is played, eventually coming down to Whitney vs. Tor! If this is real life, then fuck me with a strap-on right now, there is a Goddess.
You know what else gets played? Our hearts. By how cute Tor is.
Whitney: “There is one stealth little bandit up at the top of the hill. Creeper Keepers, sneaky snake. Guess who it is? It’s LA FASHION WEEK.”
Just kidding! She didn’t say ‘It’s LA Fashion Week,’ she said “It’s Tor.”
Laneia: She’s so tiny in that giant helmet!
Riese: This is like how we used to want to see Alice in a winter jacket!
Riese: I didn’t realize this until now, but I’ve been wanting Tor to wear a paintball outfit all this time! Look at her socks and her little army pants!
Jess: I hope she straps on the paintball gun when she fucks her.
Laneia: I just fell in love w/ Tor AGAIN
Riese: Tor’s like an advertisement for weareallmadeofkittens.tumblr.com.
THIS IS WHERE I WROTE A NOTE TO MYSELF TO WRITE MORE HERE BUT THEN DIDN’T.
Laneia: Tor in a Hoodie Team Tor!
Jess: I kinda wanna do baby koala with Whitney just for funsies.
Laneia: I’ll kick Whitney in the ass.
Riese: I prefer girls that are 5’6 or above BUT I still would like to just cuddle with Tor.
Laneia: Yeah team tor for cuddles #CUDDLETOR!
So tonight is Craft Night, that settles it.
Yeah I Dunno, Ilene Won’t Let This “The Farm” thing go, she’s making me read it again just to be sure
Tracy is outside reading a script and having some lunch and talking to her Mom. Here’s how we know:
Tracy: “I’m at a park, it’s my lunch hour, and I’m reading a script and eating some lunch.”
Once again, we have speakerphone and we can’t hear a goddamn thing.
Riese: Speakerphone is the new Jodi.
I Sort of Want Her to Lick this Blackberry, I Don’t Know Why
However, while recapping I discovered close captioning as aforementioned:
Tracy: So how do I convince you to come out for my birthday? I want you to meet Stamie.
Mom: Let’s play that one by ear.
Tracy: Um… so we had sort of a handshake agreement way back that we weren’t to talk about certain things. I think some time has passed and I sorta want to revisit. I wanna revise that agreement.
Mom: It’s hard, it’s not easy and you cannot blame me for the way that I feel and I bet you 100 million mothers out there feel the same way.
Yes, and all 100 million of them are wrong. Besides, Tracy’s been giving her Mom space/time for many years, and now it’s Tracy’s turn to get respect from Mom. Instead, Mom says that things Moms say that make daughters never want to talk to their Moms again:
Mom: You think you are maybe a little confused? Some people go through stages. They like to experiment.
Tracy: I know for me that it’s not. I’d be the first person to raise my hand and say it might be or fess up but it’s not, you know —
Mom: It’s hard, it’s not easy, it takes time.*
Tracy: I know I’m guess I’m very patient but I guess I just wanna include you in all of my life, not just 90% of it.
Mom: I’m not yet at the point where I would feel comfortable seeing you close to that person like you would do with a boy. If you were with a boy, it’s a total different thing to me. You have to be in my shoes, okay?
Mmmk I put on Mom’s shoes and still feel like she should meet Stamie.
*That’s what she said
Grasp It, Sense It, Tremulous and Tender
Back at Jill and Nikki’s, a lighting fixture is being installed. For all we know, paint is drying as well, and Jill and Nikki are as surprised to see this mundane footage aired as Romi was to see her sex scene on-screen. Then it falls and kills the dogs. JK, nobody dies. This isn’t The L Word, this is the Real L Word where everybody is immortal.
Laneia: Oh Nooooo NOT THE CHANDELIER!
Jess: I’m worried for this guy’s life at this moment.
Riese: But think of the lighting, Jess. Think of the lighting.
Walking on Broken Glass
But let’s not forget about Passover. How will the guests know the difference between saltwater and wine without a giant light in their faces?
Nikki: I’m glad that nobody got hurt, but the chandelier is ruined!
“That chandelier needs to be in this house,” says Nikki. But it is! In pieces. Something similar happened to me 2-10 times with wine bottles, and shards remain in my feet to this day. So.
Jill: “I don’t want it falling on guests, I don’t want it falling on me and you, and I don’t want it falling on the dog.”
Well then who is it supposed to fall on? The Mexicans installing your lighting fixture? This show is racist.
Laneia: Jill has PST, re: chandelier
Laneia: Right yes, PTSD. I can’t be arsed w/ all of those letters
Sometimes when I need some “bottom perspective,” I toss a rock onto that bottom and take a look at my life. Other times, I invite Scarlett to help me buy a dildo.
Sometimes, Scarlett has bad ideas, like a red glittery dildo and expensive harness.
Whitney: “Number one, I’m not down with the glitter and number two that does not give good support… this is too fancy pants.”
Sometimes, Scarlett has fantastic ideas:
Sometimes, the shop girl is super-cute:
Sometimes, Whitney steals a line from The L Word –
Whitney: “If I were a guy, I’d have a giant cock.”
And sometimes Whitney buys a gigantic dildo which Scarlett thinks will match Whitney’s skin tone “in winter,” which compliments our Vampire Theory.
Riese: That thing is bigger than Tor’s abdomen!
Laneia: I vote that she doesn’t even have one, and therefore must procure one for this episode.
Riese: I agree.
Laneia: They’re not even shopping for dildos! She doesn’t even have a HARNESS. Everybody has a fucking harness!
Riese: Good point, Sherlock! I concur.
The Girls Are Over There Ready for Your Dildo Quick Hurry!
Whitney buys a dildo and lube, now she can go stick her penis in a pie or growl/fly.
You Know What’s More Fun Than Cake Boss? Sex.
Tor’s wearing her sexypants so Whitney’s ready to ride the pony.
Whitney’s got so many sex toys, she explains,”why not use them?” Like tonight she’s gonna “cash in on her winnings” with Tor, like when you rock Skee-Ball and trade 500 tickets for a plastic mouse-head shaped travel coffee mug and an edible candy necklace.
Riese: That thing is going to literally break her entire body open.
Laneia: She’s having strap-on sex, for the first time, on teevee? Can we take a sympathy shot?
Laneia: SYMPATHY CUDDLETOR SHOT!
Riese: Shot for every time someone does something on teevee that nobody should ever do on teevee.
The dynamic duo retire to the bedroom for a long night of hymen-busting.
No cameras were present.
On “The Real Real World” They Just Tapped the Phones Argh
Rose’s grandmother’s head has exploded because Rose always talks so loud. I mean she has pneunomia, a pain on her side, can’t walk anymore, and her head was eaten by a zombie. Also, Rose’s Dad is on speakerphone because that’s how people communicate on Planet Real.
Riese: I can barely hear my own speakerphone!
Laneia: I’m going to start using speakerphone b/c i think it’ll make me a more authentic lesbian.
They’re gonna go to the hospital, where I can’t make strap-on jokes anymore. Because of death. And illness. And flowers.
Nat doesn’t know what she can do in this situation besides try and support Rose, even if stress turns Rose into a griefmonster.
Laneia: Nothing, sweetie. There is nothing for you to do.
Riese: Grandparents always die. Try being waterboarded. That’s hard.
Carly: Rose is being really intense about her grandma being in the hospital. Family members being rushed off to the hospital is like, totally normal in my world, but maybe that’s not actually normal?
One Night in Tor
The happy couple wake up the next morning, and Whitney enthusiastically recounts that they did it “balls to the wall” with “no inhibitions.” She says that “victory has been sealed,” unlike Tor’s hymen.
Tor said that it was “fucking amazing” and that “they have something together” and she just “doesn’t know where it’s gonna go.” I do!
You’ll understand better when you’re older/in about ten minutes.
I Don’t Know, the “Culture” Guy Told Me This Drum Would Add Ambiance
Nikki doesn’t wanna look at the shank bone on the seder plate. Religion is mostly about misery, Nikki, get with it.
Nikki: I don’t want to look at a shank bone, I really don’t, it grosses me out.
Dan: G-d appreciates the effort.
Basically Designer Dan, like George W. Bush, has a direct line to G-d now. Unsurprising.
Nikki is stressing out because,“there is so much pressure to make sure the place is gorgeous and the table is set.” Uh yeah how do you think MOSES felt PARTING THE RED SEA?
Then they have a riveting argument about the chandelier because Nikki wants it and Jill doesn’t. And that’s also what she said.
Laneia: I’m taking this Jillnikki interlude to get vodka. Hope you don’t mind.
Riese: Passover is not about light fixtures or silver or nice tables or lighting!
Jess: I can’t wait for thejewishweek.com to hear about passover dinner featured on Showtime and those nice old Jews sitting through strap-on shopping.
In Case You Forgot, Jill + Nikki = In Love
Nikki pleads with Jill to talk to Dan before she closes her mind to the incredible possibility of this gorgeous chandelier which can bake bread, shampoo dogs, find your keys, and will be installed by purebread Aryan ponies.
Jill: “And let me tell you something: this argument — she is not winning. There is no chandelier in my home. Moving forward.”
Thank you Jill. If you’re looking for ideas, this is what I have in my room:
It’s broken though at the top, like the dome part is cracking? So you can’t bump it!
THE DAY HAS ARRIVED IT IS WHITE TRASH POOL PARTY DAY I AM SO EXCITED I PUT ON MY WATER WINGS
Whitney: I’m not gonna lie, my sister and I, we come from a little bit of White Trash. If you have more cars that don’t work in your driveway than do, you’re white trash. If you have your main source of beverage as Tang, you might be a little white trash. You know what, it’s a good way to be raised!
Like most of the activities on this show, White Trash Pool Party is, above all else, about white people. In this case, we’re combining white people with bikinis, Jell-o shots, beer, and daylight.
Also there will be creamed corn wrestling. I know you thought that was duck-sperm, but it’s not, nor is it vomit.
Riese: Wait, I’ve spent a lot of time with white trash and there was no creamed corn wrestling.
Laneia: They don’t roll around in vomit/creamed corn.
Riese: Right, vomit goes behind the trailer. Where nobody goes except your uncle to smoke sometimes.
Jess: Aren’t white trash parties supposed to be ironic?
Laneia: Riese I feel like you can relate to Mikey’s #1 feeling right now.
Riese: What is it, I was staring at the wall, imaging an island of unicorns
Laneia: That she’s the boss and shouldn’t be doing these menial jobs.
Riese: Omg. I relate to Mikey. I need to take a drink.
I felt guilty when Intern Lily tweeted to thank me for never yelling at her like Mikey does. Although I’d never yell at Intern Lily, I mean look at her, if she cried I’d probs shoot straight to hell via Godsent lightning bolt…
… I do sometimes want to yell at people. But then I don’t, because I’m nice/too busy. It was weird, I showered afterwards.
Whitney Has Like Five Good Ideas a Day, This is One of Them
Back at the White Trash Pool Party! Romi aka Trouble has arrived, feather-in-ear, with the rest of her crew.
Whitney informs Scarlett:
Riese: I feel like every week it really is sort of an exercise in seeing how many things that make me feel weird or bored they can fit into 54 minutes.
Laneia: Yes Riese, I think you’re right..
Riese: I have similar feelings about “The Dinah Shore Weekend,” but at least at Dinah Shore I’m around you guys which makes me feel safe.
HEY LADIES looking for a way into Whitney’s “heart”? Well I’ve got some tips for you. Because Whitney tells us why she loves who she loves.
Q: Why Does Whitney Love Scarlett?
Because when Whitney asked Scarlett if she wanted to roll around in canned food —
Q: Why Does Whitney Love Tor?
Because when Whitney asked Tor if she wanted to roll around in canned food —
Whitney and Scarlett wrestle. Scarlett’s got a leg up. Why?
We talked about it later, it’s on tumblr, if you wanna check it out, here it is:
So Jess should have that for you soon.
Whitney is “slightly turned on by this match-up.” Furthermore, Whitney’s alter-ego Austin Powerlesbians suggests, “Maybe we should take this creamed-corn wrestling into the bedroom or something.”
Jess: Does Tor have a tattoo of a giant bat on her thigh?
Riese: Yes, that’s how Whitney branded her.
Laneia: How do you win this game?
Riese: You kill yourself.
This whole thing makes Romi “sick to her stomach.” Tor seems happy. That’s love up there. Love in a corn-tub.
Laneia: I will cuddle Tor if it’s the last fucking thing I do.
Riese: You know, I feel like we could make that happen.
Riese: We need a bucket list for things we have to do before we die except by “die” we mean “turn 35.” Or 30.
Laneia: Um 31. For me 31.
Riese: 31. Still not much time. How about until Tracy turns 31?
My OKCupid Profile Said I Liked Long Talks on The Beach Too
Tracy and Stamie are sitting on the beach looking into the horizon at the lapping waves, talking about how Tracy’s Mom has got it going on with the divorce, and as soon as she deals with that she’ll deal with Tracy’s Homosexual Experiment.
Stamie: Like, your Mom loves you unconditionally, but doesn’t necessarily want all her friends to know that her daughter’s a muff-diver, you know?
Tracy: When you see my Mom you can’t mention “Muff-Diver.”
Stamie: ... that she’s a Clam-Jumper.
Stamie says she’s not gonna do anything embarrassing when she meets Tracy’s Mom, and is supportive and the beach is lovely.
Carly: WHERE ARE THE DOGS? Oh, there are some dogs, but those don’t look like either of their dogs. Maybe there are more dogs on this show than I originally counted, which is a thrilling new development, believe me.