HEY GUESS WHAT?
ARE YOU READY FOR MAJOR BOUNDARIES IN LESBIAN REPRESENTATION TO BE BROKEN? Because we’ve got some flip-cup going on. First you play flip-cup, then you flop a girl onto the bed and ram her with a just-used dildo!
I can’t handle this upcoming scene, so I’m going to try handling it in rhyme. Also, we have an entire post about it because Romi gave Autostraddle her statement on how this makes her feel.
THE BALLAD OF WHITNEY & ROMI
Whitney & Romi like to fuck one another…
Also Romi stole those pants from Tor or her mother
Jess: DO NOT DRINK KIDS
Laneia: TOR = LILO
Jess: ALCOHOL WILL DO THIS TO YOU
Romi tells Whitney she’s down with the strap-on
Romi gets undressed, I hope nobody’s wearing a tampon
Who cares about Tor or the people outside
Whitney’ll get on top of Romi and ride ride ride!
Isn’t this what lesbian stories are really about?
Silly music, camerapeople, and orgasmic shouts!
Hark, it’s a noise from outside the door
Whatever, fuck it, Whitney wants more more more!
Laneia: OHHHH SHIT
Jess: OH MYG ODASdjasopd
Look who’s on top and who’s on bottom now
Let’s turn on the lights, ladies take a bow, I mean
The people outside are a little distressed
’cause White Trash Pool Party’s become a Hot Mess
Tor does what any lady in this situation might do
Gets drunk on Tequila while her paramour screws.
When it’s all said and done, friends will remain friends
But White Trash Pool Party …
Riese: you guys not gonna lie
Riese: that made my stomach hurt.
Riese: really bad
Let’s cut to… Passover Seder in the best dining room EVAH!
Jess: PASSOVER NOWW?!?!?!??!??!
Laneia: YOU CANNOT JUXTAPOSE PASSOVER AND STRAP-ON SEX
Jess: Who the edited this SHOWW?AS?DA?SDas
Hi I’m Gay Designer Dan And I Can Read With a Puppy!
Laneia: I just died. this is me deadd
Riese: Can we talk about our Ilene Chaiken-imposed media blackout.
Jess: I can’t believe my mother is watching this right now
Jess: That is all I’m thinking about: MY MOM IS WATCHING THIS
Riese: You should’ve had strap-on sex with Whitney/Edward b/c then you would be undead.
[pause in which nobody is giving me the attention I need]
Riese: You should call your Mom, Jess. Laneia just died. I’m just saying.
That Matzoh Sucked Imma Eat Your Face Now
Laneia: I can’t believe they put strap-on cheater sex in the same episode as Grandma, Pneumonia and Passover.
Jess: It just went “Vaginas, Passover, Dying Grandma.”
Riese: I guess Fashion Weak is next.
Laneia: ohhhhh hollar.
Jess: …and Tracy & Stamie are sidelined, per ushe.
Laneia: I’d rather watch puppies hump each other.
Even the Puppy is Made of Kittens Dot Com
Nikki: No disrespect to Passover, but you know, it’s good to keep the laughter going.
It’s the funniest seder of all time, the ladies testify, because of all the funny fey gay men making jokes about Moses’s rod!
Jill misses her family. Also, Nikki wants to give Jill the world. Why? Because Jill gives Nikki the world. Eye for an eye.
HAHAHA YOU WON’T EVER BE AS HAPPY AS NIKKI AND JILL YOU MISERABLE SLUTS!
Riese: This is the opposite of sex.
Laneia: This is the opposite of a lot of things.
Laneia: The list is too massive.
Approximately As Much Fun as It Looks
Rose wants to punch a dog in the ear BEcause Grandma’s sick, but instead she’s gotta go out. Her party promoter friend is throwing a party, and party promoters force people to attend parties, that’s their job.
Rose wonders if Mom called Angel. And if she did, did Angel tell her to turn around girlfriend and listen to that boy’s song?
Nat: Rose was being kinda bitchy all day. Which is understandable and I’m trying to be understanding of that. But when Rose is mad at me, she kinda hits me where it hurts. And Angel’s her ex-girlfriend.
Nat must’ve also seen Stamie’s psychic, because she predicts a fight’ll ensue. And it does.
It’s one of those really emotional fights where everyone is super honest and productive and addresses all the important issues.
Rose: Nat, you’re being a bitch.
Nat: No, you’ve BEEN — you’ve BEEN —
Rose: I’m asking you for the third time to fucking stop right now.
Nat: Don’t talk to me like you’re my Mom, ’cause you’re not.
Rose: If I’m being a bitch, then everybody’s being fucking stupid.
Nat: No, you’re being a total fucking asshole is what you’re doing.
Rose: You’re being a heartless fucking bitch–
Nat: I’m heartless? Whatever, okay. I’m heartless–
Rose: Bye, Nat.
Laneia: “I’m your girfriend; don’t be a dick.” Love it.
Riese: But feel free to strap one on!
Raquel Worksalot and Her Cullen Ring Have a Tea Party
Raquel and Mikey go on Date Night, but let’s be real here: you don’t care, and neither do we.
Laneia: omg I just realized something: how lucky are we that Mikey wasn’t invited to the white trash party.
Laneia: small things
Raquel, like us, wants Mikey to stop talking about LA Fashion Week/work when they have their veryveryspecial time together. This makes Mikey almost cry again, she should be on America’s Next Top Model.
Mikey: You lose perspective, like what matters in life, you know what I mean. So yeah, it’s not easy to turn it off, you’re like adddicted to it.
Get it? LIKE A WORKAHOLIC HAHAHAHA!
This Got Me Thinking About How Much I Miss Rohan
Nat heads downstairs to hang with DJ Jazzy LesboSister. Rose stays upstairs, where she turns down wine in favor of a shot, good call. Then Angel sends Rose a text and Rose decides to text back because Angel “kinda makes me feel better sometimes.”
At some point, Rose leaves the club, and Rose’s friends volunteer to take Nat home. JUST NOBODY MENTION THE STRIPPER!
The Morning/Minute After
Romi puts her partypants, hat, and feather-earring back on, ready to face the music/party. Whitney talks to the camera about how drunk she is.
Laneia: I think the answer to Whitney’s problem is STOP DRINKING SO GODDAMN MUCH.
Riese: corn in the hair. corn in the hair. corn corn corn corn corn in the hair.
Riese: corn is in
Riese: hair there is corn in it.
Whitney: Romi and I just came in here and unexpectedly hooked up on the bed. I did not expect this. There’s a party out there, and people were knocking. I’m not really sure what just happened.
Luckily it’s all on tape for later!!
Laneia: Omg she is SO DRUNK
Riese: …and i have corn in my hair
Jess: DRUNK FACE
Laneia: This is gross. THIS IS SO GROSS
Riese: I can’t stop thinking about the corn in her hair
Laneia: TAKE OFF THAT FUCKING HAT, YOU DOUCHE!
On a scale of one to 10, everybody is upset with Whitney. Especially Tor.
Tor: Where the fuck were you, you were just in a room with fucking Romi forever. You’re just being such a fucking bitch. Seriously like you’re being such a fucking douche. Can’t you go to Romi’s house to bone?
Whitney: I’m a piece of shit. I don’t know why you talk to me.
Tor: Like you’re letting people that care about you and love you down. For what.
Tor: Just go. It’s your world, baby.
The rest of us just have to watch you live in it.
On the Night We Died I Swear I’ll Stand Outside Your Window
Nat drives home with friends, crying. Rose isn’t home and for some inexplicable reason, Nat doesn’t have a g-ddamn key to her own house. Nat is telling you, she’s not going nowhere, but if she does, it’ll be because “my Mom always taught me to love myself first.” Nat goes back to her sister’s place, where her friends suggest that Rose is with Angel. Don’t worry, they’re still together now, so everything will be fine, the dogs are ok, Nat’s hair looks great.
What, It’s Not Like New Corn is Gonna Grow in My Hair or Something
Whitney’s crying. She feels “overwhelmed.” She never loses it but then push came to shove.
Whitney: “I just am fucked up.”
Scarlett: “Why are you fucked up?”
Whitney: “I don’t know why I do the things I do sometimes… and then Tor is pissed.”
Riese: ‘i don’t know, i’m on this show and it’s like I’m constantly being egged on to act out the worst part of myself for their entertainment’
Laneia: WHY does Whitney need her friends to translate THE OBVIOUS
Riese: ‘and because i am already a kinda egocentric person, this works for me, because i like attention, and then before i know it i’ve become a caricature of myself, and yes, it’s true, it’s me, but also, it’s not something i should be acting so proud of, but i am, because the producers are proud of me when i act this way, and human beings crave attention/approval.’
Alyssa lays the smackdown about how it’s gross to share a bed with Tor, fuck her on it, roll around in creamed corn, get creamed corn all up in your fucking dreds, fuck another girl on the bed with the same strap-on, and then expect to take your nasty-ass creamed corn hair and your white trash tangy davy crockett pellet piece of shit hat back into your dingy matress with Tor, who should be CUDDLING, CUDDLING, with somebody… anybody. Else.
Alyssa: “There are other people’s feelings like floating around and you can’t stomp all over them and expect evrything to be fine.”
Laneia: hug that moment, whitney
Whitney: “This is not even me. Or may — I mean.” [PAUSE] “Maybe it is me.”
And that’s the end, girls.
Anyone interested in a teachable moment? Once upon a time, I was an asshole to a girl I really liked for complicated, inexcusable non-reasons. She’d studied psych at NYU so when the time came she had the textbook handy to explain to me Harry Stack Sullivan’s “Theory of Personification.” Harry was a psychiatrist and also, maybe, a homo, and also, definitely, a weirdo/loner who studied personality development but didn’t ever get on well with other humans. It’s interesting how that works, yeah?
Stack-Sullivan’s theory is that as babies we start developing, via social interactions and selective attention/inattention, three basic ways of seeing ourselves: Bad-Me, Good-Me and Not-Me.
The “bad-me” is the negative shit we hide from others or ourselves. We get anxious when we remember “bad-me” things we’ve done or feel ensuing guilt.
The “good-me” is our inner unicorn, it’s everything we love about ourselves. “Good-me” causes no anxiety, so it basically envelops all our behavior around other people.
The “not-me” is the dark rebellious gross cruel pit in our gut that strikes us with so much anxiety that we reject those aspects of ourselves altogether. We hide the “not-me” from our awareness by pushing it into the unconscious.
So now everytime I almost say “it’s not me,” that’s what I think about. It’s also what I think about when someone else says “it’s not me.” Clearly it is you, it was you. You just can’t fathom looking at that part of you. You never even learned how to look at it, you know?
Carly: Next week: Mikey proposes to her Tranny girlfriend at an event which does not exist! Can’t wait!