Real L Word 308 Recap: Premonitions Sure Are Dreamy And Disturbing

Hello and welcome to the eighth recap of the third season of The Real L Word, a half-hour reality program following nine real women who hoard dead cats, use 765 coupons to obtain 675 boxes of Kraft Dinner for 49 cents, are addicted to hillbilly heroin, dress their 4-year-old daughters in sexy cowboy outfits for Lil’ Miss Pageants, compete against a large group of really stupid guys on steroids for the love of one bisexual centerfold, transform a basket filled with spam and garlic cloves into an award-winning dessert and talk about themselves.

L to R: Dusty, Romi

Reader, this has been a batshit crazy week of television! First this…

…then this…

… then this…


…and now this!

Let’s get started!

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We open in sultry Los Angeles, California, where Whitney, Sarahara and Lauren are imbibing alcoholic beverages in a crazy sexy cool hot nightspot environment called “JUICY CLUB LA,” probably named after Juicy Juice, because isn’t everything.

ready for a three-peat

So, Lauren informs Sarahara and Whitney that she’s taking a red-eye to New York City, which’s insane, because when you take a red-eye you’ve got two choices: 1. drink coffee upon awakening to keep you alert, pleasant and conscious throughout your journey to and within the airport and then face the unseemly side effect of not being able to sleep on the flight, 2. don’t drink coffee upon awakening and feel like holy hell all the way there, inevitably wait for hours as your plane is delayed and delayed, but then sleep peacefully on the flight. I don’t know which one Lauren’s gonna do, especially since instead of talking about this quandary, she’s talking about Kiyomi!

Whitney and Sarahara have a vacation prediction:

there’s also a slight possibility you could fall down a well

Sara: “I feel like Kiyomi has Lauren in the palm of her hand right here just “doo doo doo” hanging out.”

honey i shrunk the cast

Sara: “You gotta keep em guessing, you know?”
Whitney: “Give ’em little tastes. We gave each other little tastes for three years before we chomped and look at us now, we’re a month away from walking down the aisle!”

Whitney asks Lauren if she’s gonna move to New York and then puts bets on “Kiyomi’s moving here,” ’cause people in Los Angeles always think everybody’s gonna move there. To be fair, it seems like everybody has moved there.

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We thus ricochet cross-country to somewhere in Brooklyn during a crucial period in our nation’s history, where Kiyomi and Laura are hitting up a bar to watch Vero scale new heights of sexiness in her surprise role as “bartender.” No wait never mind, they’re there to talk about themselves:

Kiyomi: “The band is really moving at a rapid pace and as soon as the record is out we’re gonna be really busy and we don’t have time to slow down for someone who is sort of wishy washy for where they wanna be in the band.”

cause i was hoping to talk about her for a bit before actually talking to her

Mhm. It’s Somer Fry-day. They’ve decided to boot Somer from the band and they’re gonna tell her at the meeting tomorrow. Vero asks if it’s gonna be an ultimatum, but nope — it’s just gonna be an order.

but nothing’s as hard as being a green valentine

I’ve been anti-this-conflict since the start ’cause Kiyomi was obnoxious and I love Somer so much, but suddenly this week watching this episode something clicked and I finally “got it” and understood where Kiyomi and Laura are coming from because I realized I could relate their experience to my own experiences here at Autostraddle!  It doesn’t matter how awesome or talented somebody is when you’re doing shit like this, ’cause that’s not all it takes — when you’re in charge of a operation that consumes all your time, has negatively impacted most of your relationships, requires heaps of magical thinking, barely pays the bills if it pays anything at all and is in an industry in which 99% of attempters fail — you come to require so much blind faith that anybody who isn’t stark raving mad about your project keeps you up at night. Everybody at the table needs to have something serious at stake, something that prevents them from leaving. “Blind faith” is right up there with “butter” as one of the primary ingredients for Keeping the Dream Alive Cupcakes. It’s not that Somer hasn’t shown interest in the band or doesn’t add an awesome sound to it, it’s that Somer hasn’t shown borderline-psychotic passion for and obsession with the band, and that’s what the band needs, to be everybody’s unconditional first priority.

Anyhow, then Somer shows up and she and Kiyomi sneak off to a corner for some close-talking.

it’s just there’s this girl romi who says her dream has always been to play an instrument on a stage and because she’s a celesbian and everything, we have to take her up on that

Kiyomi and Somer discuss the intricacies of their friendship:

Somer: “I just want things between us to be right and they’re not right right now.”

Kiyomi says they’ll chat about it tomorrow because the sun’ll come out tomorrow, so you better hang on ’til tomorrow!

Sidenote: when we got to this part of the episode on Thursday night, I began panicking that Laneia had yet to pop up on G-chat to watch with me.

Riese: LANNEEEIAAAAAAAAAAAA
Laneia: HI
sorry my cable reset itself
fuck
Riese: jeez
Laneia: we’ve been trying to fix it
Riese: you have missed SO MUCH
Laneia: the internet and everything
DAMN IT
what
Riese: no jk, nothing has happened yet
Laneia: i have to call cox and fix it
megan has taken to making me a vodka tonic

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We cut to the darkest deepest chambers of Douchebagville, where The King of the Douchebags is entertaining his new suitor, Romi Flinger.

once again the answer to the question “who’s at the door” is romi

Romi the pop star’s preparing to shoot her first music video by learning how to sing — just kidding! She’s gonna wing it. Anyhow, you know when you’re hugging somebody you wish you were fucking and you are acutely aware of the alignment of your private parts and how every limb in your body can feel every limb in their body and you feel like if you keep hugging like this forever, it’d basically become sex by default? That’s how Dusty and Romi hug.

and by “work” i mean “play”

Laneia: what’s romi wearing
besides a runway of rouge
Riese: a hoodie
and a winter hat
Laneia: is it december there

Romi interviews regarding her Passion for Music:

or really any raised surface of any kind where people will feel a social obligation to look at me and listen to me talk

In addition to always wishing she could be a basketball player, President of the United States, a movie star, Queen of the World, editor of Vogue, One Of Those Bloggers Who Just Writes About Herself All Day In Her Underpants While Bathing in Millions of Google Adsense Dollars And Then Gets a Book Deal, a fashion designer, Starfleet Captain, an FBI agent, a filmmaker or the owner of a Really Cute Bakery, Romi dreams of pop stardom:

Romi: “I love music, I love making songs, I like performing, I love being on stage. I would just love to be able to sing and get paid to do it.”

Romi perches atop the couch singing her new hit single with Dusty. Romi’s reading the lyrics off her Blackberry, which makes me insane ’cause it’s totally unfair that I’ve already accidentally memorized the lyrics to this g-dforsaken song and Romi hasn’t, and it’s HER SONG. I cannot get this shit out of my head.

romi has fooled us all into thinking she’s reading lyrics from her phone when she’s really just taking instagram pictures for “dustyandromi.tumblr.com in beta”

Romi interviews about her Amazing Artistic Connection to Dusty Ray and what each uber-talented megastar brings to the table besides L.A. Cool and gravity-defying hair:

Romi: “It’s a great team because Dusty is an amazing songwriter who’s very talented, I wanna sing, I can’t write a song to save my life, but guess what I have a really great following and a lot of publicity. So, you give me a song to sing, and I’ll give you people who will listen to it.”

i mean, “ooh la la?” you think that shit just pops into just anybody’s head? No. That’s the work of a true artist. Don’t even get me started on “Dirty Knees”

Laneia’s cable is still broken at this point —

Riese: omg i can’t believe romi just said what she said
Laneia: i’m dying
this is really irritating WHAT DOES THE UNIVERSE HAVE AGAINST ME WATCHING THIS GODFORSAKEN SHOW
i’m on hold with cox listening to the musak version of a foreigner song

Basically, Romi and Dusty Ray have now added “being obsessed with each other” to their already arduous schedules “being obsessed with themselves.”

let’s cut the bullshit and just write a song that goes like “memememememememememememe”

It’s wild, dude! When they jam together, it’s like unicorns having buttsex:

Dusty: “Music is a part of her like it is for me, so when we get together, it’s just like a constant rolling thing, like songs come out, we sing, we mix, we play, and for someone who hasn’t been in the studio before, like she can do anything already, so that’s just like so much fun, you know?”

this is how they transfer energy to each other, like E.T. but not cute

You guys. EW! Just, ew! My feelings about this scene are best expressed by utilizing the graphics fourfour made when Nicole won America’s Next Top Model, Cycle 5:

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I mean honestly.

Before departing, Romi and Dusty share yet another sex-hug:

call your girlfriend, it’s time you had the talk

At this point, I would like to quote The Daily Fill Dot Com: “Reality TV stars refuse to learn a very simple lesson: being famous does not mean you can also make music. No amount of money or lip syncing can make up for a complete lack of musical ability, but unfortunately, that hasn’t stopped countless reality stars from trying (and failing) to launch a music career.”

This seems to be what always happens in later seasons of successful reality shows — the “cast member tries to extend their 15 minutes” storyline replaces whatever storylines made that cast member interesting in the first place.

For example:

i did way too much research for this graphic

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Now we travel forward in time and emotional resonance to a magical therapist’s office undoubtedly located in or around Los Angeles, California. Charlie’s initial due date is coming up and the girls have feelings.

Laneia: have kacorcy gotten pregnant yet
Riese: they’re in therapy right now
Laneia: i might as well just slam my head against the wall

Cori, much like you and me and everyone we know, has jealousy issues with facebook.

Cori: “Seeing pregnant people on my Facebook, like seeing everybody pregnant and all that, that’s hard… it brings like this ugliness, like it makes me jealous and I’m struggling with that and then I’m mad at myself, and I should be happy for these lucky women, but I’m jealous, and it’s hard.”

The therapist drops a gallon of truth serum onto them — and onto me, too, actually, I mean, this is good advice:

Therapist: “But jealousy really is anger. I mean it brings up your anger that it can’t be you, so what you’re talking about is normal, it’s a feeling that you have to have, just like your sadness.”
Cori: “I try to distract myself a lot, but i’m so angry at my body. “

They want to acknowledge Charlie’s Birth-Day somehow, do something for it. Maybe move towards closure, if there is such a thing when things like this happen.

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We starsweep all the way across the United States of America to Brooklyn, New York, where a group of carpet-munching rockstars are assembling for a meeting. Somer’s there first, obviously, with Kiyomi and Laura lagging behind:

don’t think twice, it’s alright

The ladies settle in and Laura and Kiyomi sharpen their knives, lick their lips, and dig in:

Kiyomi: “The first thing to talk about that’s the most obvious thing is the elephant in the room, is that you know we decided that we were gonna make a decision whether you were gonna commit to the band or whether the band was gonna commit to you, what the right thing to do was after the tour, at this point we’re feeling like it might not be the right fit because of all the things that we have gone through and I hope that we could figure this out in the most respectful and positive way.”

Damn.

this would be a good time to tell you that the black cups contain coffee and your white cup is basically an arsenic latte

Kiyomi: “At this point in Hunter Valentine there is no room to slow down, eight years in the making and it’s gotta keep going full force.”
Somer: “I don’t wanna slow that down by my decision or my inability to be on tour.”

Kiyomi’s slightly relieved that Somer seems to “get it,” but is also sad. Meanwhile, Somer interviews that much like an attractive well-jawed and deceptively tiny jungle animal, she feels ambushed:

Somer: “It’s not only disappointing and frustrating but a little bit heartbreaking, it felt a little bit like an ambush, and I wish we could’ve had more of a conversation and maybe we could’ve seen what we could fix and move forward and maybe do something awesome together as a band.”

especially the part where 12 soldiers jumped out of a bush, pinned me to the ground and took me hostage as a war captive

The band agrees that they want Somer recording the album with them but then that’ll be that. And even if Somer wasn’t one hundred percent about the band on the run, it still hurts to have somebody else make that decision for you, and unexpectedly, too.

three ways of looking at kiyomi

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Elsewhere in the Los Angeles metro area, Sarahara is tittering about the room in a lacy headscarf, straightening chairs and looking at the wall as Whitney sits on the couch, demonstrating how to finger a detachable vagina I MEAN sticking her finger in and out of her ring, asking Sara if maybe she shouldn’t wear it ’til the ceremony, lest it lodge itself in Sarahara’s cervix, causing her to birth tiny golden dragons.

hey hey my eyes are up here

The topic of this scene is that the wedding’s a month away and they’ve yet to plan anything, which’s befuddling — like really? They haven’t sent out invitations yet? Last week I got an invite to a wedding taking place in the Spring of 2013, for Christ’s sake.

Whitney: “I’m more of a planner, you know Sara kinda likes to fly by the seat of her pants.”

hello excuse me i’m here for my “save the date” invite as promised

Apparently they’ve yet to invite people, get outfits, taste cake, replace the chandelier, do a BevMo run, shoot me in the face, audition flower girls or find a DJ. West Hollywood is teeming with lesbian DJs so that shouldn’t be a problem. But you know what is a problem? THE FACT THAT “WEDDING PLANNING” HAS RE-EMERGED AS  A “TOPIC” ON THIS SHOW.

Whitney: “Alright — what are you doing?”
Sara: “Baby, I’m getting addresses.”
Whitney: “All I know is that you’re —”
Sara: “Baby, trust me, okay? I’m making headway here.”
Whitney: “I understand you’re making headway except for the fact that all I’m saying is that you’re hopping from Facebook to sending things to color schemes to —”
Sara: “So what? That’s how I work. Is there a particular way you’d like me to do it? How is that, please tell me.”
Whitney: “Yes, organized.”
Sara: “Cool. Don’t piss me off.”

can’t you tell, that’s why i’m wearing my headway headscarf

All this thinking has left Sarahara exhausted and Whitney frustrated.

Sara: “Planning a wedding is exhausting and we’ve got tons of work to do.”

Whitney would like Sarahara to do some of this work, and the beat goes on…

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Cut to New York, New York, where Donna Somer are contemplating a future sans Hunter Valentine. Somer says she needs some heart-to-hearts with Kiyomi to ensure maximum friendship maintenance.

Laneia: i think my cox service provider is taking a smoke break
i should do that
IT IS ON
beers in ny
hunter valentine feelings
Riese: YES HELLO
yes they gave somer the boot

the only regional rep i need is right here with me

Somer interviews about her one area of lament, re: Hunter Valentine:

Somer: “With Hunter Valentine — it was a taste of what it could mean to be a professional musician, I mean that was the dream, so yeah a part of that felt sorta crushed not being part of the band.”

Ending things with The Valentines raise big questions for Donna Somer though, ’cause Somer’s at that key turning point in a lesbian’s life when one must determine if one is ready to spend the next howevermany years hunting sperm and raising subsequent spawn or if one still requires the freedom to be an uninhibited artisic queer with big not-child-friendly ideas.

and not the olive garden kind of family, like the wailing fetus kind of family

Donna’s ready to get knocked up, but Somer’s not certain —

Somer: “I wanna have kids with you, don’t think that I don’t, I’m just… it’s gonna take planning and being in a better position…”

Donna interviews that Somer lives day by day and fears children will cramp her style but that eventually you’ve gotta “bite the bullet” before they age and their wombs turn into shriveled raisins of decay.

about the possibility of ilene chaiken selling our birth tape on the black market

Laneia: how did this happen i’m sad for her but also happy
whoa they went from being kicked out of a band to getting pregnant
oh this conversation would kill me
she has an amazing jawline
fuck
Riese: i want it

that beer is blessed to be so close to somer’s perfect jaw

Somer: “It’s hard ’cause I wanna give music a shot so, I guess it makes me nervous to know that she’s ready and wants it now.”

Two conversations straight men never seem to have on television:

a) Can we afford the months of doctor’s visits and sperm selection necessary for two ladies to have a baby together?

b) Is my career baby-friendly?

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We starsweep on back to New York City, where Romi returns from having imaginary heterosexual sex with her eyeballs to her home, where her patient lady-love has been sitting kindly in bed reading a book and, hopefully, hatching a secret plan to get the hell out of this relationship.

if kelsey was wearing an autostraddle t-shirt in this picture it would be a fantastic marketing tool for our demographic

Laneia: Romi is back from the tundra!
Riese: do you think the camera was sitting there
just watching kelsey read for hours
Laneia: i think she grabbed the book when she heard romi’s car in the driveway

Kelsey notes that Romi looks “bright and cheerful” and then tells Romi that she’s been having nightmares about Romi acting like a nightmare, which’s difficult to imagine considering how nighmarish Romi already is during her waking life.

Kelsey: “I don’t know if they’re dreams or if they’re premonitions.”

for example, i had a dream about 9/11 on 9/10

Romi recalls Kelsey waking up that morning with a nightmare-over, which’s a word I just invented to describe waking up the morning after a shitty nightmare.

What’s Kelsey having nightmares about?

Falling off a cliff?

Wheelers?

Vampires?

All her teeth falling out?

via kathrynleighaz.wordpress.com

Nope. None of that. Kelsey’s just having nightmares about Dusty and Romi!

 

Romi: “What are you having nightmares about?”
Kelsey: “I have nightmares about you, crazy.”

DON’T WE ALL

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Romi, laughing like it’s something to do, asks Kelsey what Romi says in these dreamanitions:

Kelsey: “You said, I can’t hold these feelings back for a man, that’s who I really am, Kelsey, I’m sorry I’ve been stringing you along. That’s what the dream was…”

are those kale chips you’re making or are you just happy to see me

Romi interviews that Kelsey’s “a little sensitive to the penis right now,” but unfortunately Romi’s “jumping into a new career 100%,” which means her girlfriend will have to take the backseat. Kelsey interviews that she thought Dusty Ray helping Romi would be a one-shot deal but now it’s turning into a lifetime commitment, and although she’s disturbed by Dusty Ray’s presence in Romi’s life and this show, she has to be supportive, make kale chips, etc.

real talk: she has to make you happy, too

Kelsey: “Be careful what you do in my dreams.”

Laneia: My internet is out
Riese: what the
so now your cable is working
but not your internet
Laneia: yup
i’m on g-chat on my phone
Riese: I wish Kelsey had had a preminition about this situation

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Let’s smear on back to New York, New York, where Lauren’s struggling to get her taxi driver to pull the fuck over. “Here, here, here, here, stop,” she says before lurching from the vehicle with her cumbersome rolly-suitcase while interviewing that Amanda’s already shipped back to the City of Angels ’cause her trip to see the ex got real shitty real fast. But whatever, says Lauren, she’s here to clamdive with Kiyomi.

oh hey i thought you were the weed guy

Lauren: “I have intense feelings and I wanna spend as much time with her as possible.”

You know how you hug somebody you wish you were fucking? That’s how Lauren and Kiyomi hug:

maybe later we can hug with our legs

Kiyomi interviews that she fears their romance could wither in the light of day, far from the romantic wet t-shirt contests and drunken STI exchanges of Dinah Shore:

Kiyomi: “I hope that we have the same chemistry at Dinah Shore, ’cause you know Dinah Shore could be comparable to like, a summer camp romance? You know, summer camp romances, you don’t bring those things back to the city, so I hope that it’s not that type of scenario.”

They lie together, nervous with excitement and also nervousness.

maybe you should take off your clothes now so we can re-ignite the spark

P.S. Lauren slept on the plane

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Cut to a radically different emotional playing field somewhere along the beachy California coast, where Kacy and Cori are walking and crying as waves lap at their little feet.

Kacy: “Today marks the day that Charlie was supposed to be born.”

Kacy: “There is no real way you can prepare for a day like this, but when we wanted her, we grabbed our friends and dragged them to the beach and threw flowers into the ocean, and I just thought that it was fitting that Cori and I go and do the same thing to say goodbye.”

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We cut to The House of Klinger, deep in the Jungly Southern Wilds of California in this great land of America, where Romi’s dipped in to have dinner with her family and make us feel guilty for not liking her.

drinking orange juice from a wine glass is actually sort of adorable

I’d thought Romi’s Mom was a lesbian but apparently she’s bisexual because she has her very own Slab of Man these days:

Romi interviews that her two brothers are special needs kids ’cause her Dad was exposed to Agent Orange — basically, during Vietnam, the U.S. military enacted an “herbicidal warfare” program via which the U.S. military sprayed nearly 20 million gallons of the toxic herbicide / defoliant / jet fuel hybrid Agent Orange all over Vietnam in hopes of destroying the forests guerrillas hid in and the land citizens farmed to survive. Agent Orange killed a shit-ton of people, and vets exposed to Agent Orange have shown increased rates of cancer and nerve, skin and respiratory disorders and Agent Orange has also been known to cause birth defects in their offspring. It’s one of many unfathomably fucked situations faced by veterans in this special country.

Romi chats with her family about her upcoming superstardom, and then interviews:

Romi: “The reason that I work so hard and do all of the things that I do is so that I can support my family. I wanna take care of my mom, I wanna be able to give her a vacation, I wanna take my brothers on vacation. My mom doesn’t have a lot of money, and like spoil her in a way, she takes such good care of all of us us. I am the one that is capable of making something of myself, my brothers don’t have the opportunity that I have, and I take advantage of that, I don’t take it for granted, that I’m capable of working.”

Initially, this scene briefly warmed my cold heart towards Romi and made me feel conflicted about her, but then goddess blessed me with two important thoughts:

1. Doesn’t everybody who loves their family want to support their family? What loving daughter doesn’t wanna take their Mom on vacation or help with bills for relatives with special needs? On a scale of “a normal person with a nice family” to Katniss Everdeen, you don’t get a cookie for that.

2. If you genuinely plan on supporting your family any time soon because they cannot survive without you, “trying to make it as a musician” — especially when music is just a side passion, not something your friends, family and teachers have been telling you to pursue for your entire life — is quite possibly the absolute worst way to do so. Ideas with greater success rates include playing the lottery and searching for hidden treasure.

Anyhow, it’s still a cute scene and it’s nice to see Romi expressing love and positivity towards her family. Seriously!

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Smear to another cool sexy evening in the sexiest city in the Los Angeles metro area: Los Angeles. Whitney and Sara are drinking drinks with Amanda, who Whitney invited to get Amanda’s mind off The Ex and onto The Sex.

and then i was like “but i got the nobel prize last year! wouldn’t it be awk to get it two years in a row?”

But Amanda wants to talk wedding:

Amanda: “I’m not a designer in any way, but I’m really good with fashion and all that jazz, and I would love to be involved, and help.”

Whitney’s open to Amanda’s input on all that jazz, especially considering their lack of jazzy accomplishments, but Sarahara’s not having it. Sarahara interviews:

Sara: “It’s frustrating to me that Amanda keeps trying to find a way to involve herself in the wedding, this wedding is really important to both Whitney and I, and it has nothing to do with her, it really is none of her business and she is bothering the shit out of me.”

tbh your makeup is really bothering the shit out of me

Amanda rubs seductively against all Sara’s nerves by offering to get a license on the internet to officiate their wedding, which’s dumb ’cause they did that part in Connecticut, but whatever, and Whitney interviews that Sarahara’s got this “little switch” that goes off, leading to a “drastic shift” in mood which results in housefires, foam parties, crying kittens, five thumbs on one foot and Hurricanes. Whitney’s gotta figure out what’s wrong with her, since it’s probably really important and potentially transformative.

Amanda: “Whitney and Sara are so crazy right now, it’s like hard to even be around them.”

throwback to previous seasons where whitney and sara fought outside the bar all the time

More importantly, the camera repeatedly shifts over to this girl, who’s got no lower third and doesn’t speak or get spoken to. Maybe she killed Jenny.

The dynamic duo fight about something/nothing outside the bar for some unmemorable reason I can no longer remember, but nobody dies or slips on a banana peel, so NEXT

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Back in New York City, Kiyomi’s taken Lauren out on what they both determine is their first date, although Lauren smartly points out, “we’ve eaten meals together before.” That’s not all they’ve eaten together HEY-O!

no you’re the prettiest princess!

What will they eat? When will they kiss? I’m on the edge of my stack of boxes! (We’re in the middle of moving right now)

kiyomi and lauren sitting in a booth, K-I-S-S-I-N-G-fluth

Kiyomi interviews that they’re still getting to know each other but there’s “something different” in Lauren that could make her change her ways. Kiyomi tells Lauren about the convo with Somer which segues neatly into a conversation about how busy Kiyomi’s gonna be with LA Fashion Week I MEAN on tour. They tour a lot. Tour Tour Tour.

Laneia: Tour?
TOUR
Tour
Riese: tour
tour tour tour tour
TOR!

Kiyomi and Lauren talk with their faces close together about how far they’ve come since Dinah Shore when they were drunk and young and unattached! Now they’re these mature creatures eating with real silverware and talking about TOUR!

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We then travel cross-country to somewhere over the rainbow, where a kitten is listening to Cori flush the toilet as Cori interviews that she takes pregnancy tests every morning, just for funsies and to practice her ability to control the direction of her urine stream.

But today’s test isn’t like all the other days’ tests:

It’s positive!

maybe the cutest screenshot ever

The happy couple does an impromptu interview outside in Adorableland, ’cause they are so giddy and cheerful all over!

Laneia: Babies! They are so cute
Riese: i need a doctor confirmation on this
aw look at kacy’s baby dinosaur hair
Laneia: PLEASE I just want this show
Koraci show
God
It’s too fucking cute

…eeeeeeeee

I’m too nervous, I can’t be excited ’til a gyno confirms it and/or Cori posts a pregnancy photo on instagram, I don’t wanna get my hopes up. Seriously.

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Back to the Enchanting Tale of Whitney and Sarahara’s relationship, happening right this minute in Whitney and Sarahara’s bed, of all places.

wake up, we’ve only got 20 more minutes ’til mcdonalds stops serving breakfast

What happened last night? Whitney interviews:

Whitney: “Amanda inserting herself was kind of the tipping point but it wasn’t the real root cause, I think right now we’re going through a lot of anxiety and stress and all of the planning it’s just a lot.”

They shift this thrilling conversation from bed to couch, cry a little, and talk about how they need to be a team and how the cameraman just fell asleep and died from boredom.

these are two people who need coffee

Sara: “I just want it to be good I want us to be happy I want it to be a fairy tale, you know? I do.”
Whitney: “I know, so do I. But we’re both fucking not perfect at all but nobody is and lets deal with our fucking issues together.”

Mature responsible loving adults have a problem and reconcile it rationally. hm. NEXT!
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Oh reader! Our next journey will be perilous, for it will be a journey into The Long Night, when the sun hides for years and children are born and live and die all in darkness. It is the time for fear, my little Lord. Fear the giants and ghouls and the white walkers. Fear it all, little Lords, because today we are visiting the set of Dusty and Romi’s first music video.

this is the opposite of the album cover for “The Freewhelin’ Bob Dylan”

The concept of the video is “Dusty and Romi look in the mirror, like what they see.”

best enjoyed with a serious pair of noise-canceling headphones

There’s so many reasons to be excited about this!

is that what they call it these days

Romi: “It’s probably the happiest I’ve been in a really long time with anything that I’ve done.”

They’re so happy, they can’t stop hugging!

jolene, jolene, jolene joleneeeeeee

So Romi’s having a great time in her makeup and hair and outfit singing on the stage with Dusty Ray the Amazing Songwriter! Then Rose shows up, and then Kelsey shows up to “support Romi and be there for her.”

arial view of the emotional crime before it happened

Unfortunately Romi is unable to resist the Power of the Douche and even during giant chunks of downtime, she stays glued to Dusty while ignoring her girlfriend.

you’re just too gross to be true, i can’t keep my hands off of you

Kelsey: “Here I am to see Romi, I go out there and I’m like HEY… it was almost like I’m walking in on a conversation that I wasn’t supposed to or just that I wasn’t welcome to that conversation and I was like, whoa, this is weird, like I’m not gonna come up to my girlfriend and feel like I can’t talk to my girlfriend, like I’m in a weird situation.”

somebody’s having a party in their pants

In fact, Dusty seems literally unable to grasp a life-form besides his own and Romi’s even exists, let alone acknowledge it, so Kelsey’s like, this shit is bananas.

taking back what i said about him being a cuter version of jay

Kelsey interviews that Romi should consider laying off the flirting in her presence and “have some fucking respect,” and Romi interviews that she’s got no room in her heart for anybody else’s feelings besides her own:

Romi: “[Kelsey’s] not happy with the energy that’s going on with me and Dusty, she’s pissed off and I don’t have time for it. I don’t have time for it right now. I have things that I have to do, I have — I can’t do this right now.”

kelsey drowns her sorrows in the Springs of Poland

Kelsey standing around looking unimpressed is more than Romi Flinger, World Famous Pop Star Celesbian, can handle.

Romi: “If you’re gonna do this to me, I’m gonna ask you to leave.”
Kelsey: “Okay, I’m going.” [starts walking away]
Romi: “No, I don’t want you to, Kels.”
Kelsey: “No, I want to.”
Romi: “No, I don’t want you to! Can you stop? Come here!”

ding ding ding

The best part is how Kelsey storms out just as Dusty’s darting in, and he sort of mock-winces and dramatically hops out of her path-way (unnecessarily, really) like “oops, there goes the collateral damage!” and it’s really gross.

 

in and out

Romi sighs dramatically and goes outside to make Kelsey feel worse:

Kelsey: “I see the way you guys interact, I don’t like it, and I don’t want to be around it.”
Romi: “Don’t go there! Talk to me. You have to talk to me instead of making little comments like you do and it isn’t fun when I’m trying to like have fun and make a video —”
Kelsey: “Okay well, make your video, but I don’t want to sit around on set. I don’t like the way you guys interact with each other.”

and honestly i have a hard time taking you seriously with that situation on your head

Romi interviews regarding how frustrating it is to be the center of the universe with all these deviant planets out there:

Romi: “This is my day. And I know Kelsey is like Romi Romi Romi I need I need I need she’s selfish bla bla bla but yeah today is my day, I am shooting a video that’s about me. So just step back and let me have it today. Step out of yourself, step out of your issues, step out of your insecurity, and just see that the girl that you say you love is doing something that she’s dreamed of doing her entire life.”

and don’t even try to ask me for tips on how to do that because i have no idea

Romi wants to know why Kelsey didn’t ask her about the shoot or express excitement about what’s happening on set, and Kelsey points out that she did, actually, ask her about the shoot and did act excited but Romi didn’t answer or notice because her head was up Dusty Ray’s ass. So Kelsey busts the hell out of that popstand.

But of course this fight wouldn’t be complete without Dusty Ray’s compassionate hug:

Laneia: She is so obnoxious
Riese: ugh, i don’t like her
Laneia: She’s a cunt
Oh and a blowpop?
Nice

On the upside, a TRLW cast member who shall remain nameless sent me a DM on twitter containing a link to a photograph of a dude with a crazy hairdo from a movie with the instructions: “this is a gift for you…you will know what to do when the time comes.”

Indeed, after watching this scene, I knew what to do with that mystery photograph:

ta-da

 

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We then catapult and cartwheel cross-country to the scenic Williamsburg Bridge, where Kiyomi has taken her houseguest to push her into the river JUST KIDDING to ask her to GO STEADY.

picture-perfect

Kiyomi: “I wanted to ask you if you think it’s like an okay idea if you want to like, just be with each other?”
Lauren: “Yeah.” [SMILES]

Kiyomi interviews that there are a lot of obstacles but she’s not gonna put boundaries around her feelings. They even do a cute interview together!

Aw.

 

They’re really cute and happy! It’s cute.

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Back to sad evil Los Angeles, where Romi’s at home thinking about how many puppies she’s gonna kill tomorrow when Kelsey arrives back at the ranch, wondering why Romi hasn’t responded to her texts. Romi interviews that she’s still mad at Kelsey because Kelsey fucked with her “energy” and “turned the day into something that it didn’t need to be.” That’s right, Romi’s mad at Kelsey.

Romi says Kelsey’s texts expressed the following ideas: Kelsey is moving out, Romi is choosing money over her relationship.  Romi would like to know “what money?” and also would like to start saying all of her words so loudly that they probably woke Kiyomi and Lauren up three weeks later and three billion miles away.

ooh la la la , oooh la la la

Romi pumps up the volume on her voice to scream “ARE YOU READING YOUR BBMS?” and then shit hits the fan and Romi dresses herself in it and continues screaming.

more importantly, are you having your regular BMs??!

Romi: “ARE YOU READING YOUR BBMs?”
Kelsey: “OH MY GOD!”
Romi: “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!!”
Kelsey: “Do you not see it at all, the way you act with him?”
Romi: “I do!”
Kelsey: “And you’re okay with that?”

i mean, the guy takes his shirt off like he’s Aiden or Jacob and homeboy is not a wearwolf or a vampire. You’re okay with that?

Laneia: Are you even reading your BBMs??!
Riese: that was amazing
i wrote down for grace to cap the hell out of that
Laneia: Kelsey is vying for the spinoff tonight
Love it
Riese: romi is being a snake
Laneia: “she’s a really good actress, or a total asshole.” -megs

Romi: “This is a friend that I have known for almost six and a half years now —”
Kelsey: “He’s not just a friend, he’s an ex-boyfriend.”
Romi: “He IS my ex-boyfriend.”
Kelsey: “And you keep referring to him as an ex, not as a friend —”
Romi: “Yes. He’s my ex-boyfriend. He’s my ex-boyfriend. He is.”
Kelsey: “And the way that you act with him isn’t okay.”
Romi: “We know each other. He’s not a stranger in my life.”
Kelsey: “Out of ALL the people in LA to make music with you choose your ex-boyfriend?”
Romi: “It happened to end up that way.”

no more wire hangers!

Kelsey interviews:

Kelsey: “Romi choosing to make pop music with her ex boyfriend is so completely fucking insane. And maybe the Kelsey a year ago would’ve been fine with it, would’ve sat back and would’ve just let Romi do whatever she had to do. But I grew up a lot in a year, in two years, and to the point where I have too much respect for myself to sit back and watch someone mistreat me like that.”

(Sidenote: the time frame here is tighter than usual — Romi and Dusty started working together literally like two days after they got back from Dinah. Just keep that in mind.)

the only thing those two should do together is crystal meth

Here’s the moment for Romi to step up and say, “you’re right. I love you, you’ve done nothing but love me, and despite this I’ve fallen for someone else.” If she’s totally unable to be kind, she could at least try the dickish but not 100% evil “the only way your heart will mend is when you learn to love again.”

But no, instead Romi turns it around on Kelsey!

Romi: “Can you not be even happy that this is working for me?”
Kelsey: “I was happy, I was happy you got to make music —”
Romi: “When? When?”
Kelsey: “The first time I met Dusty, I was totally fine with him.”
Romi: “The first night.”
Kelsey: “— and then spent all this time with him, and you’ve been with him, and you’ve been alone with him, and I come into it and I see the way that you are with him —”
Romi: “You haven’t liked that I’ve been working with Dusty once this week, why can’t you just admit it? Are you gonna blame me?”
Kelsey: “I do admit it. I admit it wholeheartedly because I don’t like the way you act with him, maybe if you treated him like a friend and not like —”
Romi: “How do I not treat him like a friend? I treat him the way I treat Drew and Rose and everybody else, I’m affectionate with my friends. It’s because it’s him. We’re close.”
Kelsey: “—and that’s the whole thing that you don’t obviously see.”

just some of the many facial expressions romi employed in this scene

Romi: “You don’t obviously see that I am trying to do something amazing right now that I am so excited about that is absolutely one of the most amazing things I’ve ever gotten to do with somebody I’m so excited to do it with and you don’t see anything from where I’m coming from!”

I think she’s coming from Whatthefuckville but regardless, if Kelsey didn’t see all that, she would’ve been weary of Romi’s time spent with Dusty like a billion lightyears ago. Obviously Kelsey sees all that.

Kelsey: “Yes I do —”
Romi: “No you don’t, you haven’t said congratulations, you have said nothing, all fucking week!”
Kelsey: “And why do you think that is?”
Romi: “Because you don’t like it.”
Kelsey: “I don’t.”
Romi: “Guess what, your girlfriend is really excited about something. I wanna make music with him. I want to.”
Kelsey: “Okay, then make music with him.”

Romi’s constantly attempting to protect herself from guilt by referencing blanket ideas about how people should act — girlfriends should be excited for their girlfriend’s dreams coming true, even if that means working with an ex. Girlfriends should trust their girlfriends to keep work and pleasure separate. But the fact is that Romi does like Dusty, there is sexual energy there, and they are together now — nothing exists in a vacuum, this is the context, and Kelsey wouldn’t feel so put off by the situation if that context wasn’t exactly what it is.

this is the “what have you become” look

Romi: “What is it that you want me to say? I don’t get it.”
Kelsey: “You know what? If I was making music with my ex-lover or my ex-girlfriend, and I was flirting with them and I had this “ENERGY” with them and it was SO GREAT and WE NEED TO BE ON STAGE, you would have a problem with it.”
Romi: “So what?”
Kelsey: “Would you be okay with me doing that?”
Romi: “No.”
Kelsey: “There’s your answer. Did you ever think maybe you fell back in love with him? Did you ever think about that? When you open that door, that’s what happens.  [Kelsey starts crying] And when you’re in a relationship you don’t do things like that. You just don’t. I would never do that to you.”

Kelsey interviews:

Kelsey: “I’ve always been a sucker for Romi because I’ve been in love with Romi. And you do crazy fucking shit when you are in love. Love gets you somewhere where you’re hurt and you’re abandoned and you think someone’s your best friend but really you were just a fucking filler.”

via kelseychavarria.tumblr.com

Kelsey says she’s gonna move out and take her stuff and find a new place to live, at which point my girlfriend asked “how is she gonna move when she hates the wind?”

Kelsey: “You’re gonna lose me, how does that make you feel? Honestly have you even thought about it?”
Romi: “I can’t comprehend it yet.”

Romi suggests they take a few days to think it over, and laments, “Why do you have to be so dramatic? I’m tired.”

from all that yelling and being dramatic i just engaged in

Kelsey: “We’re not together anymore. This is it. I want you to know that.”
Romi: “Okay.”

Kelsey gets the fuck out of there and Romi picks up her phone. Romi interviews:

Romi: “You know, I’m gonna start working with Dusty, I’m gonna start traveling with Dusty and spending every day in a studio with Dusty, it’s about to happen. Dusty and I have something really strong happening that I can’t control anymore. And I don’t want to. “

reserving the dustyandromi dot tumblr dot com URL

The actual feeling of having a perfect loving girlfriend or boyfriend while falling for somebody else is actually terrible, and heartbreaking and sad. Because you’re hurting somebody you love, somebody who loves you. We’re all fickle humans and sometimes people fall for the wrong people at the wrong time and can’t stop it, sometimes that happens and it feels inescapable. And then if your perfect partner asks you about it, you have to tell them the truth, because if you really love them, and really want them to be happy, you’ll want them to cut their losses as quickly as possible, even if that means they’re gonna hate you for a while or maybe forever. It doesn’t feel like this at all, it feels like this. But not only did Romi fail to come clean or care, she actually tried to turn it around on Kelsey!

Life is not people following their hearts off a cliff, life is people building things and climbing mountains together! You know what this is, Romi?


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Next week on The Real L Word‘s Season Finale, Romi pulls a Meredith Grey as Sara and Whitney get married!

Did you enjoy this recap? Good news, you can give us money to thank us for creating this art for you for free! We’ve only got six days left to reach our new goal of $100K: DONATE HERE!

 

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Riese is the 37-year-old CEO, CFO and Editor-in-Chief of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker, low-key Jewish power lesbian and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 2696 articles for us.

146 Comments

  1. cori is always wearing a sweatshirt that’s too big for her and i always love it.

    you guys sometimes i wake up in the middle of the night in a panic thinking I SHOULDN’T HAVE CALLED ROMI A CUNT I DON’T EVEN KNOW ROMI THAT WAS A RUDE THING TO SAY and then i remember that i’m not actually saying that romi herself is a cunt, i’m saying that the character she plays in trlw is a cunt and then i don’t feel so bad about it. but like, if romi is anything like her character in real life, that’s her fault, not mine.

  2. Wow. I didn’t watch the episode, but I did read the recap, and the stuff you wrote about Romi and Kelsey was fucking /real/. I have so been in Kelsey’s shoes before, and ugh. Kelsey handled it way better than I did. Also, I like this a lot: “Life is not people following their hearts off a cliff, life is people building things and climbing mountains together!” Even the one in Kelsey’s shoes can take a life lesson from that – don’t follow your heart off a cliff when it breaks. Accept both your feelings and the reality of the situation and then take responsibility for building yourself back up.

  3. all i want to do with my life is platonically spoon kelsey on a couch while we video chat with kacey and cori and we can all cry a little bit and like watch milo and otis on screenshare

    that’s all

  4. 1) I was actually proud of Kelsey for once.
    2) Romi is making bisexuals look bat-shit insane, which is not cool.
    3) “wake up, we’ve only got 20 more minutes ’til mcdonalds stops serving breakfast” caption is SO legit.
    4) Your blackberry is clashing with your winter hat, girrrl.

  5. I’ve been rooting for Whitney and Sara because they are my favorite couple on the show. They are maturing in front of our eyes. I was very happy that Kelsey finally told Romi that they were over. Kelsey finally had the balls to say enough to the dysfunctional relationship with Romi.

    I was a little sad that Somer got kicked out of Hunter Valentine. Vero gets very little time on the show.

    • Vero gets little time on the show but is fairly prominent in the credits leading me to think Chaiken perhaps belatedly realized what a gem she had and she’ll be featured more prominently next season. That’s what’s on my vision board anyways.

      Did I just wish for another season of this? W.T.F.

    • yeah……. watching that scene (as a person who’s worked a lot with ppl with mental health issues) i felt romi should be diagnosed and stabilized, not making a music video. not being mean, just straight-up. she was just being so blind and emotionally violent and really truly abusive. kelsey really needed a sane person to accompany her into that apartment and help her pack her stuff and be back-up.

      but it was beautiful to watch her draw that line on her own. just, support would have been legitimate. completely legitimate.

      but….it’s a fine line between legitimate asshole and clinically narcissistic!! and that line is SO GREAT for reality tv.

      • Well, therapy doesn’t do much good for people in that Cluster B region. It’s hopeless. They’ll end up manipulating the therapist, unless it’s a genius therapist who can see through it.

        The person experiencing the most hell in all this is Romi herself. And that is sad. very sad.

  6. I have such A.D.D. today…I had to re-watch Call Your Girlfriend 3 times and practice the moves in my living room (not as good as Alex), I googled “Wheelers” and then had to see if that was Fairuza in Return to OZ (yes, it was), then I had to fight my urge to look at Dusty & Romi tumblr again, then I had to go to the Pinoe tumblr to see her since that blonde girl resembled her (in her dreams). But why does that dog have pink underpants on again? Oh, great recap as always!

  7. The saddest part is that Romi tries to cover her craziness with the bisexuality stuff.

    I find it a little bit offensive that she says that lesbians don’t accept them…
    I mean like, yeah we embrace “them”, but with crazy people we take a second guess…

  8. You know I used to actually like and even feel sorry for Romi at the beginning of this season. You know what, I don’t feel that way anymore. Her actions in the past few episodes have been ridiculous and I really would wish that they would stop giving her so much air time.
    Also we should make an amendment to that drinking game where you take a drink every time someone does that hug.
    Also yay Kelsey for growing up and getting away from Romi, hopefully FOREVER.
    Kiyomi is that person that I didn’t really like in the beginning but now I totally adore her. Just saying.

  9. wow, for the first time i actually have some respect for kelsey. she totally seemed like the rational and mature one in this situation. romi was being a huge self-centered asshole and couldn’t even admit that her behavior with dusty was inappropriate and hurtful. i’m glad kelsey’s grown up and refuses to tolerate anyone’s b.s., particularly romi’s.

    i’m on the fence about whether whitney and sadada’s relationship will last. on the one hand, they both seem commitment phobic, overdramatic, and immature, and on the other hand they are so similar they probably understand each other’s cheating natures and wandering eyes better then anyone else. and even though i usually think sadada is a big eyebrowed bitch, who is way too full of herself for what she actually has going on, she was actually pretty funny when she checked amanda’s clueless ass for trying to insert herself in the wedding of two people she barely knows.

    i love kacy and cori. the end. they wanted that child so much, that i know they will be great parents to any future children that come into their lives. i really can’t stand anyone from hunter valentine, but i thought kiyomi and lauren u-hauling it into a realtionship already was really hilarious. lauren’s kool aide hair color still looks atrocious. i don’t get the attraction to vero, she looks greasy to me.

  10. I lived with (and was friends with for 6 years) someone who I suspect had NPD. He has just moved out.
    It is a hard thing to realise that someone that you thought you knew only sees you as an object, an object that they only maneuver around themselves to reach their end-goal.

  11. So Kelsey was doing that thing where you pretend like you had a “bad dream” about what you subconsciously / consciously already know your partner is doing, and then you casually run it by them to see how they’ll react? Yeah I’ve pulled that one before 🙂

    Romi was super fun as an AS Calendar Girl and now she just makes me feel icky. Watching her try to manipulate Kelsey into ending the relationship herself so Romi didn’t have to admit anything/do anything and could walk away playing the blameless, wounded party was just so gross.

    • Now that’s funny. I had totally blocked that memory out but I’ve done that too. And my ex WAS cheating. So I think we can conclude that if you have to pull the dream card, that shiz is happening.

  12. Since the start of this season I’ve been entertaining the idea that the producers edit Romi to be a raging awful person just because of what she does to her hair. I mean, she changes her hair every other day, so every fucking interview features her with a different hairstyle from the segment she is interviewing about, or any other segment ever for that matter. She makes any semblance of continuity TOTALLY futile and I think that maybe the producers hate her for that.

    Or maybe that’s just me, projecting. This show takes up too much space in my head.

  13. Like I said in the last episode recap Romi has a personality disorder (Im gonna go with NPD) and needs help now. Shes so full of herself.

    Especially that part when she was like “I can’t write a song to save my life, but guess what I have a really great following and a lot of publicity. So, you give me a song to sing, and I’ll give you people who will listen to it.”

    Wow. She needs to step out of herself.

    Good thing Kelsey isnt playin that shit anymore and has stepped up to the plate. I hope she finds someone that actually loves her.

    That Britney GIF made me LOL.

  14. ok, so sara and whitney are big animal advocates, right? why don’t they get their pets spayed?? Raja there is wearing what looks like pink doggie “period pants.” And one of Whitney’s dogs almost died from a uterine infection a while ago. What the hell? Get your dogs fixed ladies!!

      • a friend of mine had denim jean ones for her pit pull. she’d tell her dog it was “time to put her jeans on” when the dog would go into heat. meanwhile all i could think of was “Get your freakin’ pit bull fixed! what is wrong with you??” There was blood everywhere anyway, cuz, you know, dogs with highly developed chewing tendencies and the jaws to back it up with are famously excellent at wearing pants. It was gross.

        she too was inexplicably clueless. not a stupid woman, mind you, but hella irresponsible, as they say.

  15. Kelsey is such an unbelievable babe its not even fair.

    Well done to her for getting rid of romi. I’ve been in that situation, thinking this person is your best friend and in reality, when it comes down to it, you really don’t matter to them at all.

  16. Would love to get Ali’s reaction on Kiyomi committing so quickly to Lauren. Stings a lot when a person didn’t want to commit to you but quickly commits to someone else.

    I am glad at the end because Ali was really annoying.

  17. Hahahaa your recaps are the best!! so spot on the whole romi situation… she’s getting more ridiculous every day.. I can’t stand her face on my screen anymore.. and next episode she’ll go even more cray cray…. seriously what’s wrong with that chick??
    in any case thanks for the recap!!

  18. I just found this link on the Huffington Post about Romi being bisexual. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/09/02/the-real-l-word-romi-klinger-bisexuality-_n_1850158.html
    The whole thread has bunch of responses from people including her own mother. I still say that Romi should not be on the show. I believe that having Romi on the show has run its course.
    Riese
    I love your recaps. They are very good. Keep up the good work.

  19. Not sure if you want to engage with this: http://www.tenderomi.com/2012/09/03/talking-shit-for-a-living/
    since Autostraddle supported Romi the first few seasons, along with her wild decisions. Now that we are all poking fun of her terrible choices (the same way we poke fun here of everyone! because it’s a recap!) and how she treats people that love her, she is talking shit. So funny. The girl can never just own up to her choices. Shit talker with terrible sentence structure and grammar? I also stood up for this girl in an essay that has taken a few years to get published, and wish I could take some of that back.

    • nononononoonno that shit’s not real!!

      Riese has explained many times that they feature the show for traffic which = money.
      “I guess they must be infatuated with us”?

      ok before i thought Romi was a joke but she was in LA and I was over here but now she dun gon and insulted the autostraddle team! this shit’s personal now.

      • weird how she’s singled out autostraddle, cuz everyone who recaps this show does so with a healthy dose of snark. guess she’s just deep into victim mode and is looking for ways to feel betrayed.

        also, autostraddle was snark festing this show from day one, it’s not like it’s suddenly a new thing because Romi says she’s bisexual, or “different” as she says.

        she’s really, really, deeply screwed up and milking her self-induced drama.

    • What a sad, sad girl. It’s too bad all the writers here are busy trying to be just like Romi instead of providing us with an endless stream of creative, educational, and hilarious articles/recaps/galleries for our own enjoyment. Way to be infatuated, Team!

      Also, am I the only one who thinks she’s going to be disappointed when no one here will engage her pointless diatribe?

      • I just went and looked at her site. So far no comments to her vent about Autostraddle. I wonder if she is deleting comments? I would think considering it was posted yesterday there would be some comments even defending her but nothing.

        • i think the post and her “argument” is so completely non-sensical that responding to it would be like responding to the things my ex-girlfriend said about me on the internet after having a psychotic break

          • she is so cunning. she’s trying to drive traffic to her site by throwing stones at Autostraddle. i love that the silence over there is deafening.

            And, um talking shit for a living?? Irony? She is literally a pile of shit, talking to itself.

          • lol, surprise, surprise, the only comment Romi put up on her blog is one that sticks up for her crazy ass, telling autostraddle peeps to get a job. um, romi should get a fucking job. hello? can’t sing, can’t make jewelry, peddles t-shirts with her friend’s ass on them, is a fraudulent “celesbian” MILKING THE LESBIAN SCENE THAT PUT HER ON THE Z LIST IN THE FIRST PLACE while simultaneously bitching about lesbians. that’s a real career compared to starting and running a professional, successful website…so successful it’s bust the seams right off its old servers and all that technical shit and needs to grow?? bitch, please.

          • *putting the stealth suit on*
            I am going to try to comment right now!
            I’ll get back to you asap! I guess she is so busy with her life that it might take a while before she replies. Hahahahhaahha! Just kidding! We’ll know in few minutes!

    • my personal favourite part is the ending, it’s like she looked at it and thought ‘what thought provoking and poignant message can I end on to show these fuckers im not self obsessed…here’s some photos of me in a bikini!’

    • you know what i think about romi? if you can’t handle the heat, get the fuck out of the kitchen. if she can’t tolerate criticism for her atrocious, self-centered, and delusional (ex: believing that she should be a singer with ZERO talent for actual singing, because she has a “fan base” and “publicity”) actions and (and let’s be real) ridiculous amount of clown make up and blush, get off t.v. no one held a gun to her head and told her to make a mockery of herself and show off her duplicitous and hurtful behavior on camera. the way she treated kelsey was completely out of line, and she STILL can’t see through her egotistical haze long enough be apologetic or remorseful for her behavior. that’s why people are “talking shit”. get the fuck over yourself romi.

    • This is what I posted, let’s see if it passes Miss Tender Romi’s review:
      I honestly love Autostraddle. They are the single most entertaining group of women on the internet. If you can’t handle their critique of the batshit–I mean bisexual–character you play on TRLW, then maybe you should stop cheating, lying and acting full on psycho when cameras are rolling. Just a thought…

  20. I cannot deal with how obnoxious Romi’s character has become. I didn’t think she was this bad at all in season 1 or 2 but right now she is simply unbearable. What I dislike the most are her interview bits because she says the craziest obnoxious shit in full sentences and you can’t even blame it on editing manipulation, it’s clearly what she thinks. She seems so manipulative and insincere all the time, like she holds no real feelings so she can switch people and relationships on and off with outstanding ease. She tried to guilt trip Kelsey so bad in that last scene and when she saw it didn’t work, when Kelsey told her she was leaving for good this time, you could see Romi had stopped giving a fuck already.

    It seriously fascinates me.

    • All that is stopping me from ripping her is how would I have responded to that sort of celebrity (such as it is) at that age. She’s still pretty young, isn’t she? Nevermind that she’s bipolar on top of it.

      I was still enjoying her mostly until the music stuff reared its head. “I can’t write songs or sing but I like to sing and I’m famous so I should totally be a singer.” That is an opinion made of no.

  21. So if Romi pulls Meredith Grey does it mean she gets married too? Hopefully it will be reason enough (apart from 3456 other reasons) to not invite her to season 4.
    PS. I really love Your recaps Riese, almost as much as I loved scribegrrrl recapping The L Word on afterellen.

  22. I’ve never, ever liked Romi’s character. There was something about her that seemed “off” to me. From Season 1 to now, I feel like we’ve watched Romi become obsessed with the “15 minutes” that reality television often brings.

    Romi’s ego has expanded more than her career has. I live in LA, and there are too many people like Romi out there. People in their twenties, wearing ridiculous outfits and carrying themselves as someone who’s “famous”–when in reality they drive a Kia and live in a shitty apartment complex in Long Beach.

    Over the course of this season we’ve watched her cheat on Jay (which is still totally NOT acceptable), then emotionally “cheat” on Kelsey. Kelsey was smart enough to know something was wrong, even if Romi hadn’t technically done anything yet (e.g. sex hugs).

    ALSO, can we please address that Romi was introduced into TRLW show through strap-on sex with Whitney? She’s a leech. Her storyline is going nowhere, and no one really enjoys watching her fuck with all of her romantic partners. It’s all drama and it’s annoying as fuck to watch. Anytime Romi’s scenes come on I just groan and browse the web ad wait for it to end.

    Here’s hoping that she isn’t on Season 4. She takes up too much space in this season.

  23. re: Agent Orange. My Dad got diagnosed with Diabetes about 12 years ago and after some wrangling with the VA, got them to admit it too was caused by his Agent Orange exposure. The upside is they paid for all of his medical expenses after that and my sister’s college tuition and books (alas, I was too old to cash in on that action.)

    More good news–my sister has no known birth defects (she was born well after he went to Vietnam, I was born while he was there.)

    Damn, now you guys will do the math and know that I’m far too old to even be watching this fakakta show.

    Anyways, as anger making as her music is (and the notion that she should have a singing career just because she likes singing-I mean, I would love to sing like Joni Mitchell but I know I sound like Cindy Brady and them’s the breaks), I felt a powerful yet begrudging wave of empathy wash over me at that family dinner sequence.

  24. Kelsey gets some flack on the internets for not always being the most articulate soul but she was kind of totally brilliant in this episode. Very reasonable and quick on her feet and took no crap. It makes me want to time travel with her so she can break up with a few of my exes for me.

    God, the Romi screencaps and transcript make that whole scene somehow even more loathsome.

  25. Iit seems to me that Kelsey didn’t break with Romi at all, Romi made her break up with her to go fuck Dusty. As much as I would love to think Keylsey breaking up with Romi, all I saw was another masterpiece of manipulation from Romi.
    Next episode when Keylsey will call to check if they are really done, Romi will be confessing she just fucked Dusty and you know, you broke up with me Keylsey! What did you want me to do?! You forced me into it!

      • Now, I am excited for next episode! *and I didn’t thunk I would ever say that*
        First shot of Romi will show her having sex with Dusty I am so sure and when Kelsey will confront her Romi will totally play the ‘You broke up with me’ card, that’s on you! Leaving Kelsey feeling guilty for a minute and then at light speed, all of a sudden she will get that Romi broke up with her not the other way around. I hope she will be fine. She is one of the only character that doesn’t look scripted.

        • Maybe this is nitpicking words, but Kelsey broke up with Romi, period. It doesn’t matter if that’s what Romi wanted, if Romi was being manipulative, etc. – Kelsey was the one with the balls and maturity to do it. I think she should be able to claim as much. Romi didn’t break up with Kelsey, she cheated/acted like a child/etc. Two different things, I’d say.

          • Well, I think Romi is tired to be the bad guy, she believes there is a lesbian conspiration against her and that she is bring hated for no reason or maybe just because she is so awesome that everyone is jalous or scared she will blind them with her pure gorgeousness and steal their girlfriend, boyfriend, mum, dad, dog, cat, anything cause no one and nothing can resist her magnetism.
            So the last thing she wanted to do was acting like a bad guy but the first thing she wanted to do was fucking Dusty so she just acted like the selfish A-hole she is, sex hugging Dusty, ignoring her girlfriend, spending all her time with Dusty to the point Keylsey HAD to leave!
            It didn’t take guts to do it, it took some self-respect.

  26. Last time I checked, trying to make it into the pop scene wasn’t the best, fastest way to help your family. Romi’s little brother and all her family scene was adorable but come on. Romi you almost fooled there but that’s just a way to maniuplate the audience into liking her. Be a loving daughter and sister is the NORMAL thing to do so yeah, you don’t get a cookie for that.

    Also, happy for Kelsey breaking up with her but then again, I agree with Jennifer (4 posts above me) and it looks like an strategy from Romi forcing her to break up so she can go fuck Dusty with no sense of guilt if she ever had any.

    Also also also… dunno if you remember but in season2 when she decided to go sober there’s this scene where she’s having lunch with Kels and her mom and they say something about Romi being bipolar so yeah, she’d probably should be in therapy and not on TRLW at all cause I don’t think this is doing any good for her.

    Is it me or Vero looked sad for the decision of kicking out Somer??

    I’m so happy for Kor-Cacey, wish them all the bes!

  27. Why is Romi still on this show anyway? It’s called the *L* Word, not the Whatever-the-hell-Romi-is-now Word.

    And you bisexuals wonder why lesbians avoid you like the plague.

    • I don’t think anyone has a real problem with Romi being on the show while being with a man.

      I do have a problem with her (AND YOU) being a bitch though.

      I really disliked when romi said all that stuff about strapons ‘not working’ as if all her female relationships were somehow less valid or fake. That was uncalled for and completely flies in thee face of her bullshit giving out to everyone for saying she wasn’t a lesbian

      • “I don’t think anyone has a real problem with Romi being on the show while being with a man.”

        Personally, I don’t think there should be any hetero crap on a LESBIAN show. Is that too much to ask? Apparently so.

        “I really disliked when romi said all that stuff about strapons ‘not working’ as if all her female relationships were somehow less valid or fake.”

        Shrug, everyone knows that’s how bisexuals approach relationships with women. Men are for “real” relationships, women are for playtime.

  28. I will say this. Romi needs to get out of the spotlight for her own safety and health. She needs a serious realization that she’s not a diva or a celesbian. Romi is nothing more but a manipulator and a user.

    I don’t know how long she will work with Dusty on her “singing” career. I will guarantee everyone this. I will give her six months for her singing career to be over.

    If her singing career doesn’t work she can always pose nude for Playboy. Just saying.

  29. “More importantly, the camera repeatedly shifts over to this girl, who’s got no lower third and doesn’t speak or get spoken to. Maybe she killed Jenny.”

    Best line of the whole recap.

    Also, good for Kelsey for ending it with Romi the Self-Absorbed “Musician” Nutjob.

    Also -because I can’t stress this enough- even if Romi is actually bisexual (and isn’t in this for the attention) she doesn’t speak for me. (I’m bisexual.) I had to stop watching this show because of Romi’s continuing to give bisexuals a bad reputation. She needs to grow up.

  30. romi is gonna be on dr.drew tonight, telling all the nice straight people in their homes about how lesbians who say they want equality for all are actually just biphobic bigots who hate all the bisexual women in their own community, which i’m really excited about. hope it sells a lot of albums! xoxo

  31. This Romi hoe is just too much for me, actually shes too much for everyone. She needs a reality check.

    Watch her dump Dusty once she gets tired of him or once she moves on to the next big shiny object.

    And wtf is up with her dating all these closeted gay men? (Jay, Dusty etc, they need to snap out of it and come out already)

    Shes such a fkn joke.

    • Romi’s mother ain’t no better. I just feel at this point that Romi and her mother are opportunists. Plain and simple. Don’t mean no harm. I don’t care if Romi’s mother was in a lesbian relationship a long time ago. I honestly feel that the lesbian community has been shitting on by opportunists. It is not right.

      I’m feeling that the real life lesbians who are for equality and so forth are a bit sick and tired of their community being trashed.

  32. I began to feel some compassion for Romi after hearing that she has two developmentally disabled siblings. It made me feel like we the viewers, are sometimes too harsh with our comments and criticism towards Romi.

    However, after watching the entire episode, I could not remain feeling sympathetic for Romi. She is SO self absorbed & doesn’t care about anyone’s feelings but her own. I cannot understand how someone who comes from a family of people who are mentally challenged can be so self centered. You would think someone like that would be more empathetic and caring…BUT NO! Everything’s about what Romi wants, what Romi needs, and how Romi feels.

    • The first thing I thought watching that diner scene was ‘nice try IFC! Using the mentally challenged siblin card to make us like a horrible character’, like they did with Jane Lynch in Glee (in the only half season I ever stand to watch), but that’s Jane Lynch, we want to love her anyway! Not Romi, nothing can save her at that point so leave her poor brothers alone.

    • This whole scene actually makes her look even worse. If she was the only child from a rich family, spoiled and unaware of what’s the real world is all about, I would forgive her and even enjoy watching her acting like a spoiled brat. When you know Romi is the only child out of 3 that could have done something with her life that would have been meaningful and when you see what she has actually done with it.. It’s shocking.
      Superficial shit like going out as celesbian, going on teenager fights, treating nice girlfriends like crap, doing crap pop song, or dating obnoxious assholes shouldn’t be the center of the life of a person growing up in such a challenged family. It’s a damn shame.

  33. Romi is a f*cking bitch. and her boyfriend is a douchebag i still have to say that kelsey is too amateur for lose (even this trash named romi) for this guy. people have to be very stupid to have any trace of interest in romi.

  34. 1. kelsey is pretty much the only character we enjoy on this show. kacy and cori are nice and all, but boring boring sperm babies pregnancy being like straight people yawn. ok, we enjoy kelsey because we both find her awe-inspiringly hot. we also find her vulnerability charming, and were psyched when she finally stood up to fake-bisexual romi (who is ALL about the penis and merely uses women for attention when she can’t find a slab of man) we liked somer until her wife began pressuring her down the road towards boredom. please, somer, don’t give in. we would love to have a threesome with kelsey…which brings me to number two:
    2. this show reminds me of why so many lesbians hate bisexual women. but one of us (taryn) has a best friend who’s a bi girl, and she had a great point to make on the difference between bi women who are really bi, and whom lesbians should not be biased against, and bi women (like romi) who are more “give-me-attention-sexual” rather than bisexual. bisexual women are desiring subjects, who desire both men and women, and do not hold male attention/relationships/sex as better than a relationship with a female. These bi women are great. “give me attention-sexuals” are the kind of girls who make out with women for male attention, date women when they can’t find an adequate dude who will “commit” to them, lack desire for the female body while will do anything to get a c*ck in their mouth, and speak disparagingly (as romi did) about how strap-ons can’t measure up to the “real thing”. they’re not bi, they’re just opportunists, attention-seekers, and desperately obsessed with men. the dykes and real bi girls they prey upon usually have no idea what’s going on, since so many of them lie (as romi has in terms of how long its been since she’d been with a man). interestingly enough, there is no counterpart in the gay male community. i have not heard of many gay men who are used by the male version of romi in order to get attention when they don’t have a girlfriend. Lindsey’s best friend is a bi boy, and he is amazed at the way “bi” girls, like romi, seem to privilege men over women. meanwhile, he encounters (from men and women of all sexualities) the accusation that his bisexuality too is a myth–but that he’s really gay! The whole thing reminds me of a stupid line from Sex in the City (we don’t like that show) that pissed off Taryn’s bi best friend. The line was, “all of the men and women in college i knew who identified as ‘bi’ ended up with men.” Misogyny, anyone? This just contributes (as does Romi) to the notion that, for bisexuals, we girls are just poor excuses for a true Slab of Man (Riese, I love that phrase). in other words, it’s All About The Penis. GAG. (literally). Oh, and unrelated, Kelsey, you are beautiful and we hope you find an amazing girlfriend. Dusty is a repellent douchebag, and Romi is most definitely a borderline personality who will no doubt enjoy her own “dirty knees”. While watching them hug, I could almost read Romi’s thoughts: “man man penis man real penis better than kelsey true man he wants me! erection! penis! will be sex goddess for real man! will yell from fake orgasm! am desired by man! i am therefore validated! man man man schlong johnson yummy!”
    3. Kiyomi is a meanie. Watch out, Lauren. Lindsey calls Kiyomi’s type “the lesbian mean girl” while Taryn calls her an “alpha dyke”.
    4. i’m sure our opinions on this one will not be shared by most autostraddle readers, but then again we mostly hang out with gay guys and, with the exception of the sex scenes involving shane, helena, marina, carmen, alice, lara the soup chef, and dana, found queer as folk (at least the guys–the lesbian characters were utter bores and walking cliches) to be more interesting than the l word. bette and tina bored the living crap out of us. so: here it goes: we are tired of lesbian weddings, lesbian parenting, the assumption of lesbian monogamy to the extent where you don’t even see a THREESOME (where is a portrayal of lesbian non-monogamy where both partners are honest about their desires, and it doesn’t ruin their relationship?)and the constant portrayal on screen of a “lesbian” (romi) who, to me, is not even bisexual? Where is the debauchery? Where is the sexiness (except for Kelsey,whom we’ve never gotten to see get busy with anyone but the obviously orgasm-faking romi, which ruined it for us, and somer, whose pregnancy-obsessed wife made me roll my eyes. whitney and saadaa are such a yawn, we mute the tv when they come on the air. literally, we miss claire. at this point, the only way the show would get worse is if they start talking again about la “fashunn” week–or if we had to sit through jillki talking more about dresses!
    5. kelsey…droool…i just want to see her with a hot girlfriend who has no interest in penises and treats her well.

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