Previously on Pretty Little Liars, Devil Emoji stole Emily’s eggs from her ovaries. Aria and Spencer broke into Sara Harvey’s room at Radley and discovered that she’d punched a giant hole in the brick wall. (Aria shimmied down into the closet hole, obviously.) Hanna asked her mom to steal the hard copy of the Radley security footage from the night Charlotte died to cover Hanna’s tracks for deleting the digital security footage from the night Charlotte died, and then Hanna ripped into Ashley for doing what she asked her to do. Caleb hacked into Yvonne’s phone to dig his way into the Phillips campaign server, in what has become the most elaborately schemed about and hotly contested city council race in American history. And, instead of saying “no” when the Liars asked him “Did you kill Charlotte?” Ezra galumphed out into the night and has not been seen or heard from since.
Spencer climbs down into that hole with Aria and what’s down there is a long, thin, unlit corridor that leads to a dust-free file cabinet that leads to another hole created by a girl who continues to claim that she can’t use her hands. And that hole leads to outside. Sadly, Aria and Spencer split up after their escape and don’t even do one small lesbian ghost waltz, which was always the best thing in the Radley basement besides Miss Aria You’re a Killer, Not Ezra’s Wife.
On Aria’s plate today is writing more chapters of Ezra’s book. Remember that little hobbit Holden from fight club, the one with Exploding Heart Syndrome? Aria’s new boyfriend looks like him, but only half as hobbit-y. He’s in town, by the way. Came in from Boston to talk to Ezra Fitz (he’s not here), and to see if he’s written any more pages (he has not), and to clarify some of the tonal shifts in his most recent writing (uh oh). Yeah, see, HoldenLite knows the rush that is Aria’s writing and also the masturbatory opus that is Ezra’s writing. (She shoulda got Dan Humphrey to ghostwrite this thing.)
Aria confesses that HoldenLite is correct, that she has been writing Ezra’s book because of how he ran howling into street a couple of weeks ago, and then disappeared. H.L. is fine with all of it: Ezra dipping out indefinitely, Aria writing his book for him, both of them lying to their boss.
Of course, just when you’re starting to think this is it, that your dreams have come true, that Aria’s going to write this book this whole season and H.L. is going to edit it and Ezra is never, ever going to come back, Ezra comes back.
Ezra: I’m sorry I went hulking out of town like that. I just didn’t want you to know your parents were getting back together.
Aria: So you chose the alternative of letting us think you were a murderer?
Ezra: Yes. Look, Aria, every time I’ve ever lied to you or manipulated you, it’s been for your own good. Anyway, I’ve decided not to be mad at you for thinking I did a murder I told you I’m glad happened and didn’t deny doing and for which I have no alibi. I’ve decided to be flattered instead.
Aria: Sure, okay.
Ezra: Hey, well, and I wrote three chapters of my book for you!
Aria: You wrote ten percent of something you were paid to have 100 percent completed months ago?
Ezra: Yep! That’s why I’m standing here looking like a hero!
Spencer spends the day hovering around her mom and trying to decide if she wants to talk to her about this secret file Caleb found on the Phillips campaign server. It’s Veronica’s medical records from a few months ago. They indicate that Veronica is recovering from some kind of cancer scare or something, and Spencer is worried that the Phillips campaign is going to leak the records and that it will cost Veronica the election.
I’m no political expert or anything, but wouldn’t you think a more damning thing to talk to the press about would be that period of time when a dead body was found in Veronica’s back yard at least once a week? And that one of those bodies was her husband’s mistress’ body? And how her daughter has been arrested for murder more than once? And is, in fact, a suspect in the most recent murder in this town, of a girl who kidnapped Spencer from the back of a police van and held her hostage in an underground life-sized dollhouse? If Spencer really wants Veronica to get elected, she should worry more about stopping her own personal criminal activities (she broke and entered this very morning!) than her mom’s medical records.
Every time Spencer sees her mom or her mom’s campaign manager, he’s all, “We need Melissa’s flight number from that time she flew! If she didn’t memorize it, she’ll need to look on her boarding pass or her luggage tag! We need that flight number!”
Spencer takes on this arduous task of finding a physical piece of paper with a flight number on it, instead of just looking it up online, and what she discovers is chilling. The handle on Melissa’s rolly suitcase is missing! And the handle on a metal suitcase is exactly what Tanner described to Ali when she was talking about the weapon used to kill Charlotte. Verbatim: “a hollow piece of metal with a rectangle piece at the end.”
Honestly, what? And secondly, what?
Do you know how long it would take to beat someone to death with a suitcase handle? No one would plan to kill anyone with their bag. It’d be faster to paper-cut them to death. And it’s not like it’s convenient for impromptu murders either. Oh, just wait’ll I break this bag into pieces and detach the pully part from the wheely part! You just wait. No, really. I’m going to need you to wait; disassembling this thing is going to take me a minute.
The best thing to happen to Spencer all day is that she runs into Mona and is immediately sucked into her mental vortex.
Spencer: You told Yvonne to leave her phone because you knew I would steal it, right?
Spencer: And you wanted her to know she can’t trust me?
Spencer: But what you really wanted was for me to use the phone to hack into the Phillips campaign server?
Spencer: So I would get caught. Wait, no. So I would find that file about my mom being sick. Because you want to punish me? No. Because you love me? No, that’s not it. Because you want me to get my mom to tell it to the world before the Phillips campaign does?
Spencer: So she’ll lose? No, so she’ll win! ...right?
As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are Vanderjesus’ ways higher than our ways.