To wit: Caleb corners Mona in an elevator at Radley and menaces her with his big hulking dude body, threatening to take her apart like a person would do if they wanted to use their suitcase to whack someone to death with the handle, if Mona’s messing with Spence. Mona’s just like, “I’m sorry you can’t stop thinking about how I’m a better kisser than both Spencer and Hanna. I’d be real mad, too, if I knew I was never going to get to smooch my lips again.” And then she just gliiiiiides out of that elevator with the most delightful smugness.
Remember when Glee tried to make a New Rachel and a New Santana and New Quinn, and the only thing it accomplished was proving what singular talents the OG New Directions actors were? That’s how I feel about Sara Harvey juxtaposed to Mona and Jenna. She is dwarfed by their charisma.
Emily starts her day at the fertility clinic. There’s a paper sign on the door that says, “Egg emergency, go away.” But Emily knocks anyway. The doctor comes sneaking out and explains that last night all the regular power and the backup power went off and dozens of other ladies’ ovarian eggs were destroyed. I can’t understand why she won’t allow Emily inside to have this conversation, instead of doing it right out here on the sidewalk in the middle of town, but I also never understood that screaming pharmacist or how Wren Kingston had a catch-all health care provider license, so. The medical profession in this town is as enigmatically incompetent as the police department.
Obviously Emily finds a way to convince herself she’s responsible for the destruction of hundreds of human seedlings. Hanna tells her to snap out of it, that she didn’t do anything wrong, that she got the money and now she can finish college, and also that every one of the Liars is going to have some beautiful babies and they’re going to have playdates and wear matching outfits and celebrate their birthdays together and they’ll share a pair of traveling pants. At one point, I thought Hanna said, “Boys don’t need a reason.” As in: “Boys don’t need a reason to not feel guilty. They just live their lives and don’t assume responsibility for things they didn’t do, and a lot of times even for things they did do.” But she actually said, “Bullies don’t need a reason.” Which also is true.
Emily’s day is not over. She ends up on an accidental coffee date with Detective Tanner, who amazingly says to her that no one got murdered in all the time the Liars were away at college, and as soon as their collective asses showed up again, the homicides started anew. She tells Emily the Liars can’t leave town, which: Yes, they know that and that’s why they’re all still hanging around the Hellmouth. And also she tells Emily not to drink coffee so late in the day because it’ll cause a fitful sleep.
Hanna spends most of her day with her boring boyfriend, waking up in some garish hotel room that looks like it was decorated by Austin Powers for Valentine’s Day. I don’t know if this one is Jordan or Liam. A placeholder love interest by any other name. He does some sex with Hanna and then brings in the room service that someone left outside the door. It’s amazing. It’s the best room service I’ve ever seen. It’s Liam’s face made out of fried eggs and a fork is stabbing one of his eyeball yolks. I don’t know who Devil Emoji is, but I’m going to believe this particular thing was all Mona.
The other thing Hanna does on this day is meet Caleb for a drink and flash back to how they broke up in New York. What happened was … have you ever seen the film The Devil Wears Prada? Or 13 Going on 30? Or Erin Brockavich? Or Baby Boom? Or The Proposal? Or His Girl Friday? Or One Fine Day? Frazzled Working Woman Comedies, I suppose, is what Netflix would call them. Yes? Okay, then you know what happened with Caleb and Hanna. Hanna was putting in the kind of hours literally everyone in New York works, especially when they’re paying their dues their first year out of college, and instead of supporting her at her work parties, literally just hanging out at the bar and enjoying a couple of free cocktails, Caleb started sitting out in the alleys behind the parties and pouting and forcing Hanna to come track him down and coddle him and not bothering to memorize Hanna’s boss’ name and telling her not to turn into her boss. He was feeding a cat, which was cute, and you know I have a soft soft place in my heart for homeless New York City kitties, but also he was being a real butt.
This is a thoroughly unbelievable flashback. Caleb’s not that guy. I’m so sure he wouldn’t know Hanna’s boss’ name. Caleb would know even all of Hanna’s stuffed animals’ names. And anyway, if he were that guy, that last person on the planet he would have chosen to date after Hanna is Spencer Hastings. She’s ten Frazzled Working Woman Comedies stuffed into one tiny espresso-fueled body.
And now let us check in with Alison DiLaurentis: She’s in a relationship with Charlotte’s psychiatrist, who obviously killed her because he didn’t want to compete with her for Alison’s affection. Also, I will bet you ten full dollars that he’s the one who’s after Alison in the flash forward when the Liars come screeching into her classroom telling her to get her things and get in her plane and let’s go. Ali tells Spencer she fell in love with him because no one had ever looked at her and really seen the truth of her and still wanted her anyway.
Am I the only person who did not get hit in the head with hollow piece of metal with a rectangle piece at the end during the time jump?! Did I imagine the previous seasons of this show?? Am I trapped in some kind of Study Aid fever dream!? Emily looked at Ali like she scattered the literal stars out into the universe for the singular purpose of delighting her!
I don’t like this season very much. Nothing anyone is doing or saying makes sense based on the things they did and said for six and a half seasons, except for Ezra displaying the perpetual unearned confidence of a mediocre white man. It’s breaking my heart.
At the end of the day, Devil Emoji cleans off his electrocution devices while listening to the Snow White soundtrack. I wish it were the Robin Hood one. I love that oodelally song. Oodelally oodelally golly what a day.
Thanks for the screencaps, most perfect Nicole (@PLLBigA).