Holy fucking Christ on a cheese cracker! Just when you thought Hanna, Emily, Aria and Spencer’s hair couldn’t get any shinier, Pretty Little Liars gets totally fucking insane. What a mid-season finale! We won’t see the girls again until the Halloween Special which looks fucking awesome. I hope they all dress up as slutty Shovel Murderers.

Also, if we don’t find out who A is by Thanksgiving, I’m gonna tattoo Dr. Sullivan’s face onto my face and then sit in diners eating pecan pie until I die. I don’t even like pecan pie. That’s how much patience I have left.

my tattoo

This week on Pretty Little Liars, the Liars maintained aforementioned goldilocks while destroying their entire lives in order to save Dr. Sullivan, who has been kidnapped by A, or maybe by Crazy-Jenna and her boyfriend Goofus Garrett.

Anyhow, let’s get this party started! Where do you wanna start? I wanna start at the end, just like in Southland!

filthy/gorgeous

The episode opens with the girls captured in the police station where Creepy Cop from Earlier informs the muddied-up liars, who look like seven-year-olds in pretty dresses who snuck out of Easter Brunch to climb trees with the boys, that homicide is a capital offense in the state of Pennsylvania. This is astounding as they’d been operating under the assumption that homicide is a misdemeanor. This hair is far too shiny for the electric chair:

tressame ooo la la tressame

The Emily/Lesbian parts begin straight away — oh! Wait. I didn’t recap last week (but Lizz fashioncapped, so!) but FYI Maya returned last week, looking not a day over 31, just like she did when she left:

i rode here on a moonbeam of clam-power

The not-really-romantic reunion was interrupted by a call from Dr. Sullivan saying that she knew who A was and needed Emily to come immediately to her office, because A has a big lezzie crush  on Emily and doesn’t like to see her with other women.

you have no idea how much i need to get laid, maya

So, this episode we open with Emily and Maya sitting chastely on a couch/bed thing while Hanna grills Maya about the Betty Ford Clinic. Maya learned lots of songs, like “Rehab” and “Rumors,” and met lots of interesting people and likely engaged in lesbian activities with Lindsay Lohan.

i dunno, i guess she's been busy for the last few months and didn't come back to school or whatever and forgot how to use a phone or realized she was 31 and got a job or something

Anyhow, Emily’s had enough of this chit-chat and is ready to hit that, which means Hanna’s got to GO. But first Hanna notices Maya’s sporting those magical boots Hanna’s obsessed with, which also coat the feet of Dr. Sullivan and A, although clearly Hanna doesn’t know about the A part… YET. Hanna leaves to go check Zappos via Bing on her Verizon KIN Two, leaving the lesbians alone to wallow in a bed of sin.

you see those birds on your shirt in your chest area? yeah? i wanna be one of those birds, maya. just let me be one of those sweet sweet birds.

Instead of taking off their clothes and sticking their fingers up each other’s asses, Emily and Maya talk about friendship and lightly touch hands like two old people sitting in bathtubs in a Cialis commercial.

Because lesbians irrationally prioritize emotional processing over dirty sex, Maya’s not ready to get back together despite all the times they shared hugging in candlelit rooms and pecking each other on the cheek.

dr.drew told me this is a very fragile time to start a new relationship

Maya: “You have great friends. I kinda feel like that’s where we have to start again.”
Emily: “You… just wanna be friends?”
Maya: “No, I’m not saying that… So much has happened… and I don’t know this Emily.”
Emily: “I think you’ll like her.”

I mean, not to brag, but I presented at the Glaad awards this year

You know, this Emily! The Emily who has been psychologically tortured and emotionally terrorized constantly every single day since Maya flew the coop!

Would you like me to illustrate it for you, Maya? Because I have an Intern who takes orders very well. Yes?

Okay. Let’s begin!

Old Emily visits the hospital… New Emily gets visited in the hospital!

+

Old Emily is cheerful, bright and totally closeted… and New Emily is scared shitless running in the woods at all hours escaping ghost ninjas!

+

Old Emily swims… New Emily drowns!

i don't know why this graphic makes me LOL, i must be fucked in the head

Old Emily encounters psychopath drama at school events in private… New Emily encounters psychopath drama at school events in public!

Old Emily had a cute blonde girlfriend with a cardboard personality… New Emily hit on Jenny Humphrey and lost her paper-plate girlfriend. In other words, New Emily has plenty of room between her thighs for New Maya.

Oh, also, one thing has definitely gotten better. New Emily’s Mom is way cooler than Old Emily’s.

clearly dinner with maya did not scar mom for life

Maya: “I know I will, but I wanna make sure she still likes me… I want you to know that I’m thrilled you called me. I should’ve called you first.”
Emily: “You should’ve. I forgive you.”

Snooze.

Oh, Emily made a new face! This one’s a “Hanna get the fuck out of here” face:

not to be confused with "omg ghost ninja" face

While Spencer’s been in the bathroom shining her hair, someone’s snuck a giant wooden box of Creep into the Hastings living room. Never one for subtlety, that A:

A loves stencils

I was hoping it would be a puppy but it doesn't look like a puppy

A reads a lot of magazines, enjoys collaging

It’s not a puppy, a dildo or seven framed photos of Aria sleeping — it’s three creepoid dolls!!! Ew!

Oh whoops, wrong picture! HERE!:

two can keep a secret if one of them is a bride of chucky doll

These dolls are psychotic and will likely come to life like in horror movies, spurt blood from their nostrils and eat Dr. Sullivan’s eyeballs right out of her head. And then she’ll be blind, just like Jenna.

Each Pretty Little Doll has got a string on the back you can pull to get your mission. Aria’s gotta “make Jackie go away,” Hanna’s gotta “stop the wedding” and Spencer’s gotta “keep Toby safe.” It’s like a scavenger hunt for Sadists.

first of all, spencer would never be caught dead in this frock of shit

Also Emily didn’t get a doll ’cause A hates gay people. Aria, unaware of her cisgender white heterosexual privilege, suggests maybe Emily’s excluded ’cause A’s spent so much time in Emily’s grill the last few weeks that a doll would just be overkill.

this will be good practice for when aria, spencer and hanna get married and you get a domestic partnership

“Maybe A’s bored with you,” Hanna suggests, which seems likely considering Emily hasn’t made out with anyone for at least two episodes/ever.

Hanna: “So we do these things and A gives her back.”
Emily: “I get that this is a game, but I don’t understand it.”

this is like ten times more complicated than chutes & ladders

Spencer’s on top of this shit like Nancy Drewster:

Aria: “Spence?”
Spencer: “No, it’s brilliant, actually. A’s being our ultimate frenemie, forcing us to get what we want but knowing that when we do, all hell breaks loose.”

Hm. Just the kind of thing Allison would do.

Aria could potentially store eggs in those earrings

So, dutifully following orders, the girls proceed to ruin their lives to save their therapist, ’cause ruined lives need therapy and The Liars are masochists who likely would prefer root canals, drinking cow blood, apartment-hunting in New York City, waiting in line at the DMV and taking a 7-hour flight with a crying baby to actually defying A.

she didn't say "cheese"

Caleb returns to suck face with Hanna and proverbially bitch-slap her wicked stepsister with two cheeseburgers at Hanna’s Dad’s wedding. Hanna ruins the wedding by telling Isabella — after the wedding has already begun — that Dad recently played hide-the-salami with Ashley Marin in the treehouse.

Pretty Little Liars Tell the Truth

Aria presents Jackie, who can work wonders with a flat-iron, with evidence that Jackie plagiarized the article she’s getting published and tells Jackie she is not having Christmas in Hollis this year. Jackie retaliates by arriving at Chez Aria to inform Mom of Aria’s budding romance with Great Gatsby enthusiast Ezra McTeacher. Touche.

i will eat you, aria. i will eat you on a plate with a garnish.

Spencer dumps Toby, who looks especially Munsterish this ep, in order to save him from A-induced car trouble and other elements of evil.

Much like Aria did with Jackie, Spencer does this cute toddlerish thing where she busts out quickly with her ultimatum and then immediately flees the scene. Spencer makes it across the street before she collapses, crying, in the grass, and it’s sort of heartbreaking and petrifying all at once — but Doctor Boy finds Spencer being a hot mess and quickly takes her mind off it:

A is definitely taking a photo of this

The Crying Count for this episode is astronomical.

and you almost wonder if eventually being “caught” doing nothing is some kind of relief from the endless terror they experience in the free world. Usually imagining the worst is scarier than actually living it.

Next up we’ve got Emily in her SUV being bossed around by the Ghost Ninja GPS, and she can’t disobey that shit because when A says “RE-CALCULATING” she means it.

i wonder if anyone around here has some grey poupon

Oh look, Emily’s doll is in the back seat with her legs sprawled open like a tart. A respects Emily’s ethnicity and has therefore purchased a Josefina Montoya doll and, for mysterious reasons, dressed her up like a Mormon.

hellloooo emily

Lesbian Partner of Chucky: “I’m taking you to her, go alone!”

Emily’s like, fuck, I was planning on having five glasses of champagne and six tiny sandwiches for lunch at that wedding, hopefully A is leading me to Cracker Barrel or I might pass out and die in a barn.

Auday duay dumbalar. Give me the power, I beg of you. Auday duay dumbalar. Give me the power, I beg of you.

No such luck, unless that barn is a Bob Evans:

so many barns, so little farms

Emily’s been lead to a large room of doom which she’ll surely walk inside and let the door close behind her like a girl who isn’t used to being stalked by crafty ghost ninjas. Indeed:

step into the light, emily, step into the light

A brand new sports car leaks poisionus fumes of death while Emily ponders her fate.

welcome to the batcave

Emily gets that panicky look in her eyes/cheeks/chin and starts pounding, yelling for someone to let her out in case Bambi or Mr.Ed or any other speaking animals are in the area.

rescue me! visibility matters!

Meanwhile her friends are at the not-wedding, wondering what the fuck happened to Emily:

maybe she just got stuck in traffic

We return to the Death Barn where Emily’s passed out —  but not for long! A, in her signature black gloves, drags Emily out of the barn and leaves her on the ground. Emily wakes  up in Fairieland, where Sookie Stackhouse and Keebler Elves live in abundance, weaving hair extensions into golden whips and sing-chanting Enya at the moonlight.

hmmm, maybe i'm in texas now

Guess who’s there?!

welcome to your 354th sex dream about me

Allison: “It’s okay, you’re with me now.”
Emily: “Allison?”
Allison: “It’s so good to see you, Emily. I think I missed you the most. Just rest. It’s what you need, rest… I never told you this, but you were always my favorite. Nobody loved me as much as you did.”

now just let me finish that massage i started last week

This is hardly surprising — Allison’s a tricky object for a straight girl crush because she loves it, relishes in it, plays with it, teases it out and puts it on display. I’m sure Allison spent a significant portion of adolescence undressing in front of Emily while rubbing strawberry lotion on her legs with one leg inevitably positioned across Emily’s lap as Emily sat on the bed pretending to read The Great Gatsby.  Or something.

But beyond the games and the manipulation, Allison’s always been a bit kinder to Emily than she has to the other girls, save that time she made her feel like a lesbian predator. But Allison wouldn’t ever stroke Spencer’s hair or call Aria “sweet.” At the same time, Emily — who loved Allison romantically, sexually, all the ways — has never been as status conscious as her friends. Emily didn’t want Allison to make her popular. She just wanted Allison to be her girlfriend. And that’s the strongest love of all, every time.

Anyhow! sometimes my intern gets unruly and makes graphics I don’t ask for. I’m not sure what this one is but I think it’s related to Harry Potter?

I’m not gonna lie, I’m like 75% convinced that Allison is really alive and her ghost ninja alter-ego is A, but also maybe Mona is A, or Noel Kahn is A, or Spencer’s Dad is A, or Spencer’s Dad’s Lovechild Jason DiLawhatthefuck is A, except that we know he’s not A, because of the creepyshitttalk between Jenna Thing & Goofus Garrett that just like, made my blood curdle into cottage cheese and lose all sense of reality.

because if this is what dying is then bring it the fuck onnnn

Emily: “Is this what dying is?”
Allison: “That bitch thinks this is what you really want, to be completely free of A.”
Emily: “Do you know who A is?”
Allison: “Of course I do.”
Emily: “You have to tell me.”
Allison: “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
Emily: “Why?”
Allison: “Because two can only keep a secret if one of them is dead. You have to decide what you want, Emily. you can stay here, or you can come with me. [strokes Emily’s hair in a really creepy way] … sweet Emily.”

I feel like “that bitch” is Jenna? But who really knows.

Now let’s all recall when A visited Hanna in the hospital back in episode 111, as recapped by Jacob on TWOP (he is a far better recapper than I will ever be, I recommend his work highly):

There’s a gorgeous, spooky scene where Ali visits Hanna in the hospital, leaving a lipstick rim on her waterglass, but all we really need to discuss here is what Ghost Alison has to say. Hanna points out that Ali is dead and she says, “I heard that, too, but here I am.” What happened to her? “It’s complicated, Hanna. Really complicated. Worse than algebra.” What happened when she left the barn? Everybody wants to know. “You already do. The four of you combined, you remember more about that night than you think you do.” Where did she go? Did she meet a guy? Noel? “Pfft. Please.” Like she needs one more gay person obsessing on her.

Hanna begs Alison for the truth, but she just shakes her head. “It won’t make any difference, darling. You think the truth is some big shiny disco ball of purity? Then go ahead and try it. Be ‘honest.’ See what it gets you. Telling the truth to the wrong person at the wrong time is how I ended up where I am. Take it from me, you’re always better off with a really good lie.” At the door, she turns: “I was so scared that you were going to die. That’s why I came back. I didn’t care how dangerous it was, I had to see you.” Mysterious and magical! And then again: “You know, I really should do something about A. That bitch is genuinely getting on my nerves.”

I can’t remember who (if anyone) has said “two can keep a secret if one of them is dead” before besides the band playing the opening theme song, but it somehow seems significant that Allison said it, like it’s a thing Emily couldn’t have created in her own subconscious, you know?

Emily wakes up again to the faces of her paranoid friends!

how many fingers am i holding up

Emily informs them that Allison’s alive and moved her out of the barn and they suggest maybe Emily’s just lost her marbles AGAIN, and Jesus Christ Spencer’s heels could make a sandbox lose its virginity.

it's ok, marnie the witch put a curse on you but we're gonna find a way to reverse it

They do a little PhotoHunt of the barn scene and find a giant shovel with longitute/latitude coordinates on it…

oh hello

These coordinates lead them to another One Tree Hill backlot, where A instructs them to dig because, you know, Dr. Sullivan is probably buried alive, as these things so often go. Emily yells “DOCTOR SULLIVAN!” in this way that makes me laugh a lot.

let me use my verizon kin 2 to find the ancient burial site

Dressed like cotton candy, an Easter Tea Dance, Dorothy Gale and a Sexy Bridesmaid, the four girls get filthy as raccoons maniacally scratching away at the land to uncover — A MANNEQUIN!

its' a mime

Just as they’ve discovered this unfortunate truth, police helicopters and a SWAT team show up.

oh thank god i felt like ET was never gonna show up

Which brings us back to the beginning of the episode, which is really also the end:

given the option of "one phone call" or "handi-wipes," the girls chose phone call

Lots of other things happened this week too, like in the police station, but none of those things involved lesbians so technically I’m not under obligation to tell you about them. Instead I’ll just share some images with you and you can kind of figure out what happened on your own.

spencer's mom looks even more like mariska hargitay when she's in the station

Oh yeah at the end, The Guy just lays his giant shovel on the table and is like “what’s up bitches, this is the murder weapon” and they all stare at it but don’t say anything.

the only shovel in all of rosewood

The end! We’ll reconvene our meetings circa two weeks before Halloween for an episode I am personally super-excited about!

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