Pretty Little Liars Episode 212 Recap: Over my Dead Body a Lesbian Kissed Me

Caleb returns to suck face with Hanna and proverbially bitch-slap her wicked stepsister with two cheeseburgers at Hanna’s Dad’s wedding. Hanna ruins the wedding by telling Isabella — after the wedding has already begun — that Dad recently played hide-the-salami with Ashley Marin in the treehouse.

Pretty Little Liars Tell the Truth

Aria presents Jackie, who can work wonders with a flat-iron, with evidence that Jackie plagiarized the article she’s getting published and tells Jackie she is not having Christmas in Hollis this year. Jackie retaliates by arriving at Chez Aria to inform Mom of Aria’s budding romance with Great Gatsby enthusiast Ezra McTeacher. Touche.

i will eat you, aria. i will eat you on a plate with a garnish.

Spencer dumps Toby, who looks especially Munsterish this ep, in order to save him from A-induced car trouble and other elements of evil.

Much like Aria did with Jackie, Spencer does this cute toddlerish thing where she busts out quickly with her ultimatum and then immediately flees the scene. Spencer makes it across the street before she collapses, crying, in the grass, and it’s sort of heartbreaking and petrifying all at once — but Doctor Boy finds Spencer being a hot mess and quickly takes her mind off it:

A is definitely taking a photo of this

The Crying Count for this episode is astronomical.

and you almost wonder if eventually being “caught” doing nothing is some kind of relief from the endless terror they experience in the free world. Usually imagining the worst is scarier than actually living it.

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Next up we’ve got Emily in her SUV being bossed around by the Ghost Ninja GPS, and she can’t disobey that shit because when A says “RE-CALCULATING” she means it.

i wonder if anyone around here has some grey poupon

Oh look, Emily’s doll is in the back seat with her legs sprawled open like a tart. A respects Emily’s ethnicity and has therefore purchased a Josefina Montoya doll and, for mysterious reasons, dressed her up like a Mormon.

hellloooo emily

Lesbian Partner of Chucky: “I’m taking you to her, go alone!”

Emily’s like, fuck, I was planning on having five glasses of champagne and six tiny sandwiches for lunch at that wedding, hopefully A is leading me to Cracker Barrel or I might pass out and die in a barn.

Auday duay dumbalar. Give me the power, I beg of you. Auday duay dumbalar. Give me the power, I beg of you.

No such luck, unless that barn is a Bob Evans:

so many barns, so little farms

Emily’s been lead to a large room of doom which she’ll surely walk inside and let the door close behind her like a girl who isn’t used to being stalked by crafty ghost ninjas. Indeed:

step into the light, emily, step into the light

A brand new sports car leaks poisionus fumes of death while Emily ponders her fate.

welcome to the batcave

Emily gets that panicky look in her eyes/cheeks/chin and starts pounding, yelling for someone to let her out in case Bambi or Mr.Ed or any other speaking animals are in the area.

rescue me! visibility matters!

Meanwhile her friends are at the not-wedding, wondering what the fuck happened to Emily:

maybe she just got stuck in traffic

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We return to the Death Barn where Emily’s passed out —  but not for long! A, in her signature black gloves, drags Emily out of the barn and leaves her on the ground. Emily wakes  up in Fairieland, where Sookie Stackhouse and Keebler Elves live in abundance, weaving hair extensions into golden whips and sing-chanting Enya at the moonlight.

hmmm, maybe i'm in texas now

Guess who’s there?!

welcome to your 354th sex dream about me

Allison: “It’s okay, you’re with me now.”
Emily: “Allison?”
Allison: “It’s so good to see you, Emily. I think I missed you the most. Just rest. It’s what you need, rest… I never told you this, but you were always my favorite. Nobody loved me as much as you did.”

now just let me finish that massage i started last week

This is hardly surprising — Allison’s a tricky object for a straight girl crush because she loves it, relishes in it, plays with it, teases it out and puts it on display. I’m sure Allison spent a significant portion of adolescence undressing in front of Emily while rubbing strawberry lotion on her legs with one leg inevitably positioned across Emily’s lap as Emily sat on the bed pretending to read The Great Gatsby.  Or something.

But beyond the games and the manipulation, Allison’s always been a bit kinder to Emily than she has to the other girls, save that time she made her feel like a lesbian predator. But Allison wouldn’t ever stroke Spencer’s hair or call Aria “sweet.” At the same time, Emily — who loved Allison romantically, sexually, all the ways — has never been as status conscious as her friends. Emily didn’t want Allison to make her popular. She just wanted Allison to be her girlfriend. And that’s the strongest love of all, every time.

Anyhow! sometimes my intern gets unruly and makes graphics I don’t ask for. I’m not sure what this one is but I think it’s related to Harry Potter?

I’m not gonna lie, I’m like 75% convinced that Allison is really alive and her ghost ninja alter-ego is A, but also maybe Mona is A, or Noel Kahn is A, or Spencer’s Dad is A, or Spencer’s Dad’s Lovechild Jason DiLawhatthefuck is A, except that we know he’s not A, because of the creepyshitttalk between Jenna Thing & Goofus Garrett that just like, made my blood curdle into cottage cheese and lose all sense of reality.

because if this is what dying is then bring it the fuck onnnn

Emily: “Is this what dying is?”
Allison: “That bitch thinks this is what you really want, to be completely free of A.”
Emily: “Do you know who A is?”
Allison: “Of course I do.”
Emily: “You have to tell me.”
Allison: “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
Emily: “Why?”
Allison: “Because two can only keep a secret if one of them is dead. You have to decide what you want, Emily. you can stay here, or you can come with me. [strokes Emily’s hair in a really creepy way] … sweet Emily.”

I feel like “that bitch” is Jenna? But who really knows.

Now let’s all recall when A visited Hanna in the hospital back in episode 111, as recapped by Jacob on TWOP (he is a far better recapper than I will ever be, I recommend his work highly):

There’s a gorgeous, spooky scene where Ali visits Hanna in the hospital, leaving a lipstick rim on her waterglass, but all we really need to discuss here is what Ghost Alison has to say. Hanna points out that Ali is dead and she says, “I heard that, too, but here I am.” What happened to her? “It’s complicated, Hanna. Really complicated. Worse than algebra.” What happened when she left the barn? Everybody wants to know. “You already do. The four of you combined, you remember more about that night than you think you do.” Where did she go? Did she meet a guy? Noel? “Pfft. Please.” Like she needs one more gay person obsessing on her.

Hanna begs Alison for the truth, but she just shakes her head. “It won’t make any difference, darling. You think the truth is some big shiny disco ball of purity? Then go ahead and try it. Be ‘honest.’ See what it gets you. Telling the truth to the wrong person at the wrong time is how I ended up where I am. Take it from me, you’re always better off with a really good lie.” At the door, she turns: “I was so scared that you were going to die. That’s why I came back. I didn’t care how dangerous it was, I had to see you.” Mysterious and magical! And then again: “You know, I really should do something about A. That bitch is genuinely getting on my nerves.”

I can’t remember who (if anyone) has said “two can keep a secret if one of them is dead” before besides the band playing the opening theme song, but it somehow seems significant that Allison said it, like it’s a thing Emily couldn’t have created in her own subconscious, you know?

Emily wakes up again to the faces of her paranoid friends!

how many fingers am i holding up

Emily informs them that Allison’s alive and moved her out of the barn and they suggest maybe Emily’s just lost her marbles AGAIN, and Jesus Christ Spencer’s heels could make a sandbox lose its virginity.

it's ok, marnie the witch put a curse on you but we're gonna find a way to reverse it

They do a little PhotoHunt of the barn scene and find a giant shovel with longitute/latitude coordinates on it…

oh hello

These coordinates lead them to another One Tree Hill backlot, where A instructs them to dig because, you know, Dr. Sullivan is probably buried alive, as these things so often go. Emily yells “DOCTOR SULLIVAN!” in this way that makes me laugh a lot.

let me use my verizon kin 2 to find the ancient burial site

Dressed like cotton candy, an Easter Tea Dance, Dorothy Gale and a Sexy Bridesmaid, the four girls get filthy as raccoons maniacally scratching away at the land to uncover — A MANNEQUIN!

its' a mime

Just as they’ve discovered this unfortunate truth, police helicopters and a SWAT team show up.

oh thank god i felt like ET was never gonna show up

Which brings us back to the beginning of the episode, which is really also the end:

given the option of "one phone call" or "handi-wipes," the girls chose phone call

Lots of other things happened this week too, like in the police station, but none of those things involved lesbians so technically I’m not under obligation to tell you about them. Instead I’ll just share some images with you and you can kind of figure out what happened on your own.


spencer's mom looks even more like mariska hargitay when she's in the station

Oh yeah at the end, The Guy just lays his giant shovel on the table and is like “what’s up bitches, this is the murder weapon” and they all stare at it but don’t say anything.

the only shovel in all of rosewood

The end! We’ll reconvene our meetings circa two weeks before Halloween for an episode I am personally super-excited about!

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Riese

Riese is the 41-year-old Co-Founder of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, video-maker, LGBTQ+ Marketing consultant and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and now lives in Los Angeles. Her work has appeared in nine books, magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. She's Jewish and has a cute dog named Carol. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 3197 articles for us.

53 Comments

  1. “Oh look, Emily’s doll is in the back seat with her legs sprawled open like a tart. A respects Emily’s ethnicity and has therefore purchased a Josefina Montoya doll and, for mysterious reasons, dressed her up like a Mormon.”

    Best.

    My main complaint with this show is how haphazardly everyone handles coffee cups. I know they’re empty, but WHERE IS THE ILLUSION OF FULLNESS.

  2. OMG THIS SHOW. I actually think this show is going to drive me crazy. It makes me want throw things at my TV which is actually my computer screen LIKE JUST TELL US WHO A IS/WTF IS GOING ON ALREADY. Like I feel like a while ago I really didn’t care about this show and now as irritated as I am they are making me want to know what is going on so badly. Dr. Sullivan’s face at the end = the truest and the best.

    Amazing recap, as usual. And thanks for including the preview for the Halloween episode… actually looks kind of awesome. Ally was only a bitch because she was being manipulated too…? wtf :o

  3. Maybe Alison had an identical twin who no one knew about, like that one time in Charmed when Prue was dating some guy and he sent his twin to check her out or something weird and creepy like that. Although I guess her mother would remember giving birth to 2 babies…

    This show is making my hair jealous.

    • YES THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I THINK! EVIL IDENTICAL TWIN!!! like you know how they are always complementing her eyes. I bet Spencer’s Dad facilitated the adoption.

      • YES! That would explain SO MUCH about Spencer’s Dad! Also also what if one twin murdered the other one and that’s why no one seems to have any real evidence for anything ever??!

    • It’s weird ‘cuz on PLL’s FB page, there was this poll asking who killed Ali, and one of the answers was “Her Twin!” and after watching this episode and not seeing any twin, I’m left with ‘What the fuck? Did I miss some hint?’ But I guess not.

  4. Please someone raise Ali from the dead world.Maya and Samara are absolutely lame, I mean Caleb is more lesbian than the two put together. J Humphrey wasn’t bad, but Ali is better.
    Plus, what the hell with the doctor? I like british accent and all but he has to stop appearing out of nowhere every time (he’s probably A).
    Now you reminded me I seriously want to make my hair shiny as theirs. How do they achieve that? they sparkle in the dark!

  5. Thanks for the recap riese!!!!
    And yes, im also super excited for the halloween episode.

    anyone read the book? Please tell me we will find out who A is at the end otherwise i might throw things at my lovely tv

  6. Wait. This recap made me really want to watch this show. Is it worth how much my friends will make fun of me for when I inevitably can’t stop talking about it?

    • I didn’t watch the show until 3 days ago and now I’m completely caught up – it’s so addictive!! As someone who is currently enduring the teasing for my newest obsession I would say YES! TOTALLY WORTH IT!

      • I realise this may say more about me and how little I have going on in my life right now than it does about the show…

        • Pfft. Mainlining television can sometimes be the best thing ever. No judgement here. (I once watched 18 episodes of Veronica Mars in one day, soooooo)

  7. just want to say that this recap is absolutely hilarious, had me laughing out loud, spitting out my coffee. brava, brava!
    “rescue me! visibility matters!” hahaha

  8. “There’s a strong possibility that in the afterlife, your straight girl crush could stroke your hair.” :)

  9. Omg I hope you know that’s not bow it ends!!!! Gosh A is- er nvm I dnt wanna say cuz I hate spoilers. But all I’m saying is keep watching. Alison does not have a twin. A is someone that is close to them…lives in rosewood…is there when all goes bad…and hates the girls. NO it’s not Toby or Jenna!!!! Or that freaky cop!!!! Just keep watching!!!!

  10. OMFG! I don’t think i will be able to watch the Halloween episode…Dolls freaked me out enough but the person in the mask in the promo nearly gave me a heart attack after like 2 seconds.

    If i watch it, it will be with every single light on in the house (even those in rooms I’m not actually in).

    • FYI, the creators have already said that it is NOT this person and that A is not going to be the same as the books.

  11. Spoiler alert

    A has to be Aria, cause she knows exactly what the girls do every second, and her brother, who actually has the time to do the dirty work.

    And I bet Jenna and the copy Garret? only hit Allison but did not bury her alive. Betting Piper Halliwell did that…

  12. this made me laugh super hard. I’m super drunk. I’m pretty sure it would have made me laugh super hard if i wasn’t, though. yay!

  13. idk what grey poupon is, but all the other captions (and everything else that has to do with this recap) made me laugh incessantly. i only just now starting breathing again.

      • it’s a reference to an old commercial where a car pulled up next to another limo and said ‘excuse me sir, do you have any grey poupon?” i don’t remember exactly but for some reason it was HILARIOUS

  14. For the love of God, someone please help me! It’s not about who A is but something much more important.
    What month/year is it in Rosewood? The timeline in this series is fucking with my head. When they started the show it was fall of ’10, beginning of the liars school year. Whether they are sophomores or juniors confuses me too. We’ve had roughly, what, 36 episodes? Has there been a winter yet? HOW MUCH TIME HAS PASSED SINCE THIS SHOW STARTED?! The inspection/registration stickers on Toby’s truck expire 3/11. He babies his truck so he wouldn’t let them expire meaning…..it’s been, at most 6 months since things started? Is that right?! That would make each half season cover roughly 2 months? 3 different women for Emily in a 6 month time span-the little vixen.

    Oy…so many questions with this show. Is it time for Glee yet? My brain needs a rest.

  15. “THIS WILL BE GOOD PRACTICE FOR WHEN ARIA, SPENCER AND HANNA GET MARRIED AND YOU GET A DOMESTIC PARTNERSHIP” This made me laugh loudly and then immediately feel depressed. Win with Em’s Facial Expression #8.

    It’s funny that now this isn’t a Fashioncap, my only other thoughts are fashion-related: Em’s hair being way too pretty after being dragged out of the barn (with her bare legs running against the ground, ouch!!) or Isabelle’s wedding dress being nicer than the one that was vomitted upon…

    Oh, right, het-drama. I am so glad that Ezra and Toby have been dumped. Those two were nauseating storylines.

  16. After watching the Ep 2.12. I can’t help thinking over and over and it make me crazy. It so confusing. I am obsess to know who A is?

    So i decided to recap from the beginning.I just finished reviewing Ep 1.1 to Ep2.12 and this is what i realized who -A is? A is more than one group, maybe 4. my basis- text messages sent to the liars and flash back with allison.
    A-Alison, A-Mona, A-Jenna, –A the N.A.T.

    1. For A-Alison she is asking help from her friends in in-direct ways. by give them the hint and clues. maybe she is also watched by N.A.T. that is why she cannot give her friends the direct ideas. That should be the liars should focus on. (people might help or on alison sides are , garret the police, the med. student – i forgot his name. On the other hand garret has something with jenna. I think he is a good cop. If garret is not on alison side – might be on the good side of N.A.T

    2. for A-Mona, i think she has the diary of alison, That makes her knew their secrets. mona’s members are maya, noel khan (mona’s bf), Chad and more. Mona could also be gay, she is jealous of hannah’s friends and caleb. This is the group the make the A-visible bulling the liars, and complicating the story.

    3. For A-Jenna- of course the jenna thing and the video that she’s afraid to be exposed. She might did something bad or make alison disappeared, but i dont believe she killed alison and i dont believe that jenna is still blind.

    4. –A -N.A.T (bad group)- members in this group are high rank government officials.This A-capable to kill. Maybe they got allison.

    My conclusion, Allison discovered or exposed the N.A.T. because of the video she got. That make her life in danger. If the liars played the whole video on ali flash drive maybe they got all the answers and solved the disappearance of allison. Alison is Definitely Alive, She is very smart and rich. She is just hiding and she is gay. i also believe that car won by emily is from her. The Liars are always protected by A-alison, But sometimes hurts their feelings is seems allison is also playing with them.

    People who have secret to reveals are Mellisa, Peter hesting, jason, jenna, mona, ezra, kate. and more secret of alison.
    Well, this is only my ideas, i am not the writer of the story. Let’s wait if my ideas will come true. I follows PLL, nikita, and I love Glee.

  17. CAN I PLEASE JUST SAY I SHIT MY PANTS READING THIS ARTICLE. i laughed so much you are so cute. those captions. holy shit, those captions. you’re talented. also i didn’t even know other lesbians watched liars and now when i watch it i am going to think of this article and you have enriched my viewing experience and my life. holy fuckballs.

  18. “Oh look, Emily’s doll is in the back seat with her legs sprawled open like a tart. A respects Emily’s ethnicity and has therefore purchased a Josefina Montoya doll and, for mysterious reasons, dressed her up like a Mormon.”

    As if my coworkers didn’t think i was weird enough being “that new girl is a lesbian”, i have lol’d at this recap so much and caused a slight seen up here in corporateville.

    ps- 100% sure i would drink emily’s bathwater

    • Naw, man. That bitch from AfterEllen is The Worst.

      Seriously, though, if it weren’t for Riese I wouldn’t even be recapping. I used to sit in my little accounting cubicle laughing my guts out over her TLW recaps. Like back when they were on Blogger and The Real L Word was nothing more than a greedy seed in Satan’s womb. What I’m saying is, Riese inspired me and continues to inspire me and I love her recaps very much.

      No need for more bullying A’s in this world, yeah? Apparently there are already like ten million of them in Rosewood alone.

  19. My fave recaps are at TWOP but when I need hilarious lesbian captions. It’s AS.

    Also… It is freakish how Naya Rivera and Shay Mitchell look alike. And I think Ezra and Aria look related.

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