One of the first things I remember my father saying to me after he accepted my transition was, “Well, you know you’re going to have to drive on vacations now.” My nuclear family is pretty progressive about gender expression and roles and there aren’t many things I would think of as “mom tasks” and “dad tasks” or “husband to-dos” and “wife to-dos.” In fact, some of the traditional gendered familial roles were flipped in my house. My mom killed the spiders. My dad, who had more flexibility with work, stayed at home when my sister and I were babies.
So it struck me as odd but also significant that my dad was suggesting that my gender shift would correspond with a specific gender role. The idea of being “the vacation driver” has stuck with me since then. In every straight couple I knew, the man typically drove when both were in the car and he did so exclusively on longer trips. Was that common? Were there other roles I’d never thought about that would be mine as a husband and a father? (Or would be placed on me to take on.) What about my other roles in the family? Was my being a son different from being a daughter? A brother different from a sister? Nephew from niece? Uncle from aunt?
This Christmas, my parents, sister and I flew into our home state of Kansas from our respective corners of the country. We spent a week bouncing between Kansas City, Lawrence, and Topeka, visiting friends and family we hadn’t seen in two to ten years. Many of my relatives and all my old friends had not seen me since I transitioned.
My anxiety before the trip surrounded whether or not I’d be accepted as male, if I’d easily be seen as the grandson or the nephew. But as the clans quickly showed their acceptance and even comfort with my maleness, I was able to learn more about this aforementioned shift in roles and what came with it.
First, we hit my dad’s side of the family, whom I hadn’t seen in about four years. Prior to my arrival they had asked my parents whether it was okay to have old pictures of me around the house – I said, “yes,” but the fact that they asked let me know they were tuned into the seriousness of my “situation” and wanted me to be comfortable. The second we arrived they came out with big hugs for everyone, we were all told that we looked great (I mean, everyone did) and I don’t think any special attention was paid to me. No one said anything about my voice or anything really related to my transition or maleness. But everyone said my name, Sebastian.
Then my grandma, well into her 80s I believe, pulled up. We greeted her at her car and she gave everyone hugs. Finally she got to me and said with a big smile, “Now who’s this guy?” And with that the tone was set. I was Sebastian, I was a guy, and we were all so happy to be around each other for the holidays.
For the next two days, no one made any fuss over my transition. We didn’t talk about it and no one seemed to be staring – no one even messed up with pronouns or my name. But me being a 24 year old male did feel different from the 20 year old closeted (for that side of the family) lesbian they had most recently met. I was treated differently.
Not long after we’d been there someone brought up the young woman I’ve been dating. I think I suggested that I’d been traveling a lot to the city and my parents, somewhat proudly, announced that I was visiting my “notgirlfriend” as they call her. I hadn’t talked to this side of the family about my romantic life since I was in middle school and was dating awkward boys who took me to movies with their parents. This had meant a lot of summers (we used to take annual beach trips) of quickly deflecting questions about boyfriends. Eventually, I think my parents told them and then everyone stopped talking about my love life at all. It wasn’t rejection or disapproval, but there was a discomfort there. Now I got to be this straight 24 year old qt with a beautiful and successful notgirlfriend who lived in the big city.
When we took photos dressed up on Christmas Eve, there was a guys’ photo and a girls’ photo. Sebastian, the grandson, nephew, son, brother, and cousin (male), was obviously in the men’s photograph.
Even for my family, who are definitely more with it than I think Kansans are assumed to be, me being an androgynous lesbian was weird. They maybe would never call it that and they loved me and I’m sure would have awkwardly accepted a serious partner coming over for Christmas, but it was this strange and uncomfortable thing. I didn’t fit into any narratives they were familiar with and I didn’t match the rest of their family. My cousins, for example, are beautiful, petite cheerleaders, and sorority girls (my aunt and grandmother, too, actually). My uncle coaches college baseball and makes sort of dirty jokes. My aunt and grandma cook (or prepare the food we’ve ordered in) while my uncle watches football. So they struggled to get me before I transitioned. My grandma liked to get matching gifts for the grandchildren. For years I got panties and Victoria’s Secret gift cards, jewelry, things I would never feel comfortable wearing. My well-intentioned grandma who knew me very well just couldn’t understand a girl that wasn’t girly.
I’m a pretty heteronormative guy now, on the surface. Yes I’m small and would say I have more style than the regular straight dude, but I’m a much more normal as a guy than I was as a woman. I think they can get me now – they can see all of me now (though maybe they won’t be directly supporting my more feminine characteristics – like a serious Barbra musical obsession… only time will tell). Instead of lacy panties, this year I got an H&M gift card (with a letter apologizing that it was pink and explaining that that was the only color card left).
It’s a complicated conclusion to draw — although generally speaking, society, and certainly the law, is less tolerant of trans people than gay people, for my family, a trans identity was more comfortable than a gay one. Perhaps it is just an issue of their comfort with what is outwardly normal (i.e. girls that like pink and boys that like action movies), or maybe it is just that I am for them what I’ve always been to me. My comfort in my gender presentation and identity has translated into a newfound comfort for them, as well.
On my mom’s side of the family, my new maleness took a slightly different role. I mean for sure, I found myself carrying more things than ever before. As the son and nephew in a family with lots of women this was my job. (And admittedly the testosterone has made me stronger than I would have been last time I was in Topeka.) I received two white dress shirts with a note saying that they were must-haves for every man. And ain’t that the truth. Where would I be on interviews, for weddings, New Years Eve, funerals, etc. as a man without white dress shirts?
And for the first time got to be an older male role model. My cousin has a four-year-old son that I met for the first time. He attached himself to me immediately as I helped him set up the Air Rescue helicopter Playmobile set my family had gotten him for Christmas. He called me his buddy and wanted to do everything I did. Even though I think I would have also been the one to help construct the helicopter and would have loved to play with him in years past, I don’t think he would have latched onto me if he didn’t see me as an older boy. At one point he saw an old yearbook photo of mine from when I was probably 12. He asked who it was and his mother very casually said, “That’s Sebastian when he was younger.” His reply?
“Sebastian [actually “Bus-Bash-Been”] had long hair? I want long hair!”
I’m sure there will be longer explanation in the future, but for now, he knows that I’m his older male cousin (who “looks like a grown-up but really is a big kid”) who had long hair when he was a boy. And that’s sort of exactly who I am and it felt so good to be known as that.
Unlike my dad’s side of the family, most of these relatives had known about my queer love life for quite some time, and two of my aunts had actually expressed interest in girls in my past, so it was no surprise that they demanded to see photos of “this notgirlfriend we keep hearing about.” Also unlike my dad’s side of the family, I had already spent some time talking to most of my aunts and uncle and cousins about my transition. I’d gotten direct words of support and understanding from almost every one, in one medium or another. I have collected a number of “man essentials” like cognac, cigars, the book “Man Up!” and Garrison Keiler’s memoirs. In this family, my shift from niece to nephew had been going on honestly since before I transitioned, and there was nothing marked in their response to my now physically transitioned self.
One of the most noticeable shifts in familial role for me was evident in my relationship with my sister. Without violating her privacy, I will share that she was coming to Kansas after a really terrible and dramatic break up. The first night in town she and I got drinks at a bar in our old neighborhood and talked about her ex and the relationship and the break up. I played older sibling more so than I ever have in my life. I’d even say I played older brother. I was caring and protective and was ready to take matters into my own hands if she needed some help. I was angry but also had advice. (I don’t want to suggest that a woman could not take this role, just that that is the stereotypical role of the older brother and something I fell into naturally in this setting.) We then got a little tipsy and started divulging information and swapping stories about various partners and sexual endeavors, which I think is more a nod to our development as sisters than anything else (do you know a brother and sister who would feel comfortable sharing details like that?) So I came away from that experience feeling like an older brother who had the comfort level with his sister that an older sister would. What a lucky guy.
During the trip, one of my aunts had taken quite ill and our family spent several hours in the Topeka hospital on Christmas and the days following. As my sister and I sat in the basement cafeteria, we talked about my transition. She has always been so supportive, but still sort of took me back with the level of her support and encouragement on this trip. She told me that it feels to her that she’s always had a brother. And not just in the sense that there was always a part of me that was trans or male. She said her memories have even altered so that “Sebastian” is a part of them and not “Sarah” (interestingly mine have begun to do this, as well). She said it is just so clearly who I am that it follows that it is just so clearly who I was, as well. She also said that she thought we had grown closer since I transitioned.
We admitted that our dynamic fit the brother-sister archetype far better than the sister-sister archetype. Growing up we didn’t have any sort of model for how to interact with each other. We had a dynamic that didn’t match what we saw on TV or even amongst our friends and family who had siblings. And I’m a firm believer that in development (and maybe throughout our life) we need models to learn either how to act or how to be comfortable with how we are already acting. Without these models, I think my sister and I drifted apart. We didn’t know how to be sisters, so we didn’t really become close as siblings. Suddenly, I fit into this male role –- brother –- so naturally that we have a dynamic we are comfortable with, and it’s allowed us to bridge that distance that grew between us in adolescence.
I think this will be true of the rest of my family. Their acceptance and affirmation of my gender has reminded me how great they are and how much they love me. And perhaps even more importantly to the overall family dynamic and closeness, I fit the various male roles within the family better than I ever fit the female ones. More comfortable as the young man of the family, as the vacation driver, the older cousin a young boy aspires to be, the protective brother, the grandson with a notgirlfriend, et cetera, I will be able to connect with them more than ever.
Special Note: Autostraddle’s “First Person” personal essays do not necessarily reflect the ideals of Autostraddle or its editors, nor do any First Person writers intend to speak on behalf of anyone other than themselves. First Person writers are simply speaking honestly from their own hearts.
That picture of you and your little cousin is one of the best things I have ever seen and I kind of want to scoop both of you up in a big hug.
This is fantastic. I am so happy for you that you have such a supportive family and that things are going so well!
That is too cool! Glad everything worked out for you.
dang, that sounds like how the holidays are supposed to be!
this was a great article!
Inspiring, cozy, happy, well-written, personal, analytical.
Thanks Sebastian.
I found what you said on gendered driving roles interesting, as I’ve never noticed anything like that in my family. In general my parents have always been very progressive when it comes to gender – my mother has always said the only thing boys can necessarily do better than girls is pee a longer distance. I was allowed to do anything my brothers did and watch anything they saw, even scary movies, as long as I still went to bed in time. Me being a girl didn’t mean I wasn’t expected to do my bit to carry the shopping in – I had to take as much as I could handle. Although Mum stayed home while Dad went to work, when people asked my parents if Dad helps around the house, he’s always said “no, I do my share” <3
When it came to long distance driving what usually happened is that Dad would start driving but tire within a couple of hours. We would take a break to stretch our legs, and then my mother would take the wheel. And not tire until we got to our destination, five hours later.
(I always loved it when Mum drove because then I could throw my Simba toy to the front of the car and Dad would animate him and make him talk as entertainment.)
Anyway, I'm glad you were able to enjoy your holiday with your family! It sounds like you had a lovely time, and that they all understand better where you fit in the family dynamic now.
That warmed the cockles of my gay little heart and made me miss Lawrence. That’s how the holidays should be.
You made me cry. This is so wonderful. :)
Same. I don’t tear up easily… But those last two photos did it. Damn. Love this.
Aww, this is such a great article! Thank you so much for sharing it with us.
I’m really glad to know that your family has been awesome. Also, that pic of you and your little cousin is adorable! :D
Oy, I feel torn.
It warms my heart that Sebastian was so warmly welcomed by his extended family.
And my heart aches at the description how the gender variant gay child did not fit in as well and faced more obstacles to connect.
Damn, gender binary, why haven’t we gotten rid of you already?!
Torn was my reaction as well. The acceptance is brilliant, the prevalence of gender roles, not so much.
definitely felt this way too
Awww, in our family, Christmas is so passive aggressive and tense and dreadful. Your family sounds like the kind of family I want to have, someday, Sebastian.
Very good story, thank you Sebastion! I made many trips to that same basement cafeteria last spring as dad was fighting cancer. I transitioned about 4 years ago, but my family experience was much different. It’s getting better with time. I think many people who are totally ignorant of the issue think its “just a phase”. I do think that the public perception is gradually changing too, albeit ever so slowly. The more people you can “educate”, just through your everyday behavior/actions, the better. I transitioned “on the job” as a rural mail carrier, and can tell the difference inhow I’m treated as time goes on. Thank you for sharing your story!
sebastian! the story about you and your cousin’s son and your long hair as a child is possibly the most adorable thing i have ever heard!
wow sebastian thanks so much for this. lovely to see that your family was considerate and treated you with respect. and i got a tear in my eye with that paragraph about your sister saying she always saw you as a brother in some ways. because it means that is the truth and the truth is evident and all is well and fair with the world. i don’t know how to explain, but it made me happy :)
your christmas stocking looks like my christmas stocking and this makes me happy.
sebastian this is so amazing! i’m really happy for you. also i’m pretty sure we have the same plaid shirt!!
Your family sounds really supportive!
That sister-thing is pretty interesting to me. My sister and I never really had a normative sisterly connection either – until both of us came out as gay. Today we get along way better. But I think we’re more like brothers than anything else. I’m the fashion-loving sissy-boy architect and she’s the soccer-playing butch mechanical engineer :)
tearing up, dude. awesome story.
this was so great to read and very insightful. thanks for sharing.
I think we’re a bit of an anomaly but my brother and I do talk about sex/sexy things quite frequently and with impressive openness. He was actually the person who originally talked me through how to perform cunnilingus. Gave great advice.
yea i wanted to respond about that part as well. when he said
“do you know a brother and sister who would feel comfortable sharing details like that?”
actually its not that uncommon for brother and sister to have that sort of relationship and talk about those things. i know quite a few brother-sisters who are that close…i think what he said was a bit problematic and gendered
Hey Duke, I don’t think I was calling into question the possibility of a brother and a sister being close. Absolutely I believe that brothers and sisters can have amazingly close relationships. I think in our world where sex education is taught to a “girls class” and a “boys class” and we still very much approach sex as a taboo topic, it is common for brothers and sisters, even close ones, to be uncomfortable talking about their own sexual experiences together. I’m glad this isn’t always the case!
Sebastian,
I’m so happy to hear that your KS family was so supportive. I, too, am from the Topeka area. I’m now away at grad school but am fortunate to remember that there are great people back in Kansas. Thank you for a wonderful post.
Fellow Kansan,
Jen
This made me smile until my face hurt, I’m not even exaggerating. All my love to you and your family.
Wow I just found out this person I regard as cool and am vaguely aware of online is actually from my home town
So that’s weird
Beautiful, hope-filled story. Thanks, Sebastian, for being so honest and forthright (yet kind). I hope you are as happy as this article makes it sound!!
This such a wonderful article and I’m so glad your trip to Kansas went well. Talking about your relationship with your sister reminded me of my ridiculously close relationship with my brother, he’s that person that I know I can talk to about anything and he’ll support me.
This reminded me so much of me and my cousin (9 years younger than I am). When I was 14, he started walking around his house with a book in his face, pretending to read because he knew I loved books. He brought my photo into show and tell twice. I think mine’s a little different in that part of the reason we get along is that with me he gets to both play “boy” games (like spiderman-wrestling) and be more openly affectionate.
yay for awesome holidays!!!
This made me so happeee!
One of the social expectations I looked forward to ditching in transition (to female) was male=driver. I’m still secretly hoping to marry a woman who actually likes driving.
Sebastian, your family sounds awesome. I wish my family was half as openly accepting about my transition—they’ve settled into just not talking about it, and when I get upset about things like old photos they don’t ask or sympathize. I suspect it’s mostly just who my parents and brother are, but I wonder sometimes if it would be better if I was more gender- or heteronormative than I am.
Wonderful post, Sebastian. I loved what you say about being the older brother with the comfort level of an older sister. I think it’s amazing that you hold no grudge, or anything of the sort, against your former self, and instead embrace it as part of you were, of who you are.
Also, you’re so lucky man. Your family is incredible!
…How does this fit into “girl on girl culture” though?
It fits into a world that attempts really hard to be inclusive. A world that attempts to expose the narratives of those who might/are be marginalized elsewhere. Girl on girl doesn’t exist in a vacuum. It exist right alongside those stories of a boy/man whose experience of a particular kind of gender performance happens to be new and enlightening. Girl on girl coexist alongside all of the other narratives that are hard to find in the mainstream. To ignore that is to practice the kind of segregation and divisiveness that continues to harm the LGBT community, the queer community, and the queer communities of color. So, yeah, that’s how it fits.
I might be in love with you a little.
Trans-men are only Dudes when it’s convenient to them.
For example, this self-aggrandizing account of all the fun male privilege this person received at Christmas.
Only when they need support, attention, and/or dating partners, do we get all these eloquent explanations. Not seeing how an article about how great is is to be a man fits into a website for lesbians. Hope you’re not saying Sebastian is still “kinda” a lesbian? Because that sounds transphobic.
If you’re confused about why Autostraddle posted it, you should check out Riese’s response below, which explains that the piece is strictly a first person narrative, but links to a good article analyzing heteronormative privilege, etc.
Maybe Riese needs to think about changing the subtitle of this site. Because I definitely don’t wanna think about not reading about trans* issues. They are very relevant to my interest and I love that this place includes trans* people in the queer world.
I drink to you and your family, Sebastian.
And I think I keep having to sacrifice my lesbian identity to make space for trans-men (ex. Ladies Nights that turned into “Queer Nights” so t-men could come and I don’t get that either. It’s not cool anymore to be a woman into women. We have to be queer and pansexual now so trans-men can have somebody to date.
Silas,
While you’re absolutely right that there should continue to be spaces for women for women, the desire for such a space is no reason to blame trans-men for the necessity of such a space or lack of it. Have you ever walked into a GSA as a lesbian and seen literature that was 75% dedicated to gay men? Yeah, I bet you have. I know I have, and asked myself, where is the lesbian literature? What about a space that was 75% dedicated to trans culture? A lot harder to find. Trans issues continue to be put in the dark in the advancing rights of gay people in this world, the way black women were kept out of the original organizing around feminism. Your complaints may be valid in some capacities, but your argument is flawed and you provide no solutions, other than only by becoming complicit with the continued marginalization of all trans people. Not to make assumptions, but it doesn’t sound like your idea of an exclusively “ladies night” incorporates trans WOMEN into your definition of who belongs at ladies night, for instance. So if you can so unquestionably accept trans men as MEN, where do trans WOMEN fit into lesbian spaces? And why do you neglect to recognize the lesbian herstory of so many trans men or lesbian identity of trans women? Sounds a little… transphobic to me.
Loved reading this. Yay for awesome families :)
i don’t know you but i’m going to call you “Bus-Bash-Been”
thank you for these reflections
Sebastian, what a wonderful narrative! How marvelous that your family has accepted your transition so smoothly.
As a child of the Midwest, these people are so recognizable to me. Thanks for bringing me right back to my childhood and reintroducing me to the place as well as the wonderful, if somewhat limited (at times), people who live there.
Like everyone else, I wish your family could have accepted you this completely as a genderqueer lesbian, but it’s great that it worked out so that they accept you now, when you’ve finally become who you’re supposed to be.
Ah, FTM / trans stories always make me wonder, what if…?
What if what?
So I never seem to say very popular things on Autostraddle, but fuck it, I’m part of your community, too, and I deserve a voice. That said, this article really made my blood boil.
Look, I am happy for you. Really, it must be so affirming for you to be able to be yourself and feel accepted as part of your family, perhaps in a way that you had not been able to feel or be before. That is awesome, and yes, transphobia is real. Yes, it is so nice to be seen by the world as you see yourself and have always seen yourself.
But where was the critique here? Yes, as a (seemingly) straight, white, relatively gender-conforming man in a relationship with a woman, you will receive privilege for this. People will be happy to hear about your notgirlfriend. People will want to be supported by you and want your opinion and look up to you (especially young boys). This is what male privilege is. Having to drive a car is not some “cool perk” you get – it’s a stereotype that you’re being put in, a privilege (the power to control the destination of other people) you are being given. If you like driving, awesome!
But guess what, so do I. And as a genderfucked person, while I in fact look a lot like you, dress a lot like you, and have a notgirlfriend, I do not receive this privilege. So while it may be really cool for you, I would like all of those things without having to transition, which really doesn’t work for me because of my own gender identity.
Essentially, what I got out of your article was, “yay! my seemingly progressive family affirms my white, gender conforming, seemingly straight masculinity that aligns with my feelings of self and fits into stereotypes that are harmful for other people!” THIS IS A PRIVILEGE. I WOULD LIKE SOME CRITIQUE. THANK YOU.
Here’s the thing: we all live in a world where people just judge the fucking hell out of everyone else. The truth is that we can’t all be Judith Butler. Everyone performs some sort of gender that is in line with some sort of existing social structure — even gender-nonconfoming people. We are all influenced by existing scripts and prescribed notions of how people should look or act. It’s because we’re all actually human.
I find Sebastian’s piece to be very critical; not in the sense that it seeks to point out that everything in the world is fucked up and wrong, but in the sense that it gives us a very honest and thorough analysis of real-life feelings. This is what good writers do. They tell the truth about themselves and about the people around them. This is precisely what Sebastian has done here; he has taken a specific experience with all of the (presumably) complicated feelings that went along with it and organized it into a very honest and human piece of writing.
That said, his critical analysis extends onto the issue of his newfound heteronormative privilege. He recognizes the fact that he has privilege, he is part of the discourse that brings this issue to the forefront of our generation’s political imagination, and he writes for this fucking website. I find this to be a very important contribution to the fight against heteronormative privilege, frankly.
Have you read this? You should read this. –> http://www.autostraddle.com/hello-testosterone-hello-heteronormative-privilege-87896/
Hi Lemon,
You are absolutely right: people judge each other. That’s what people do. It serves a function in our brain and the process of judging people does not always work well. It would appear that this is happening between us now. Because, you see, I am not asking everyone to be Judith Butler. That would be one incredibly boring world, don’t you think? Not to mention the kind of vocabulary I would have to develop. I think you are perhaps missing what I was trying to say.
What I was trying to say was that I did not see a critical analysis in Sebastian’s writing so much as a description of his life. There is a difference. Could you point out where you were seeing this “analysis”? I am genuinely curious. I am not trying to detract from Sebastian’s character, nor am I trying to judge him – I don’t know him. I am reacting to the words I read on this website. I am reacting to the ways in which I see the words on this website congratulating white, gender conforming, male privilege. I am reacting to the sentiment I gathered from his writing, which I boiled down to “Wow, yay! It sure is great to be a white man!” My response to this is frustration because I already know how great it is to be a white man. I see it every day. And conversely, I see how not great it is to be some other things.
As you have singled me out, I want to reflect on you saying that Sebastian wrote about an experience he had and “organized it into a very honest and human piece of writing.” I ask: what is not honest or human about my experience of my response to reading this article? What is not honest or human about pointing out the problematic in something? Doing so does not detract from other aspects of that thing (as I point out, it no doubt feels so affirming to be seen by the world as one has always seen oneself). But it doesn’t benefit anyone to ignore the unpleasant aspects of things either.
I really am feeling very frustrated that you would simply point me to an article, as though that would somehow prove how wrong I was or quell all of my fears. Guess what? The trans experience is incredibly vast and different to each individual. As though I have never thought that a trans man would have to think about the ways he now receives privilege. As though I assume that Sebastian has no critical thinking skills whatsoever. I’m too irritated to continue pontificating with all of the ways the responses to this article and specifically your response to my comment have pissed me the fuck off.
Laura, while I agree with you there is a lot of good old privilege inherent in Sebastian’s Kool Xmas, I could say that about lots of stories at Autostraddle (eg. people swapping stories about their uber-expensive women’s overwhelmingly-white universities and how ‘progressive’ they are). I point it out when I read it in trans-related stories and I don’t think you’re trying to put Sebastian down by doing so here.
But I might also mention that not every story needs to have critical analysis (and a lot of critical gender analysis I see in non-trans sites is still highly cissexist so it’s not necessarily a positive thing). Sebastian was sharing an “isn’t this cool… I never expected this would happen” experience. A Christmas gift —- a positive moment in his life which might only have happened by virtue of all he’s been through. Does that mean he’s therefore not aware of all the trans and gender variant people who are hugely marginalized from their families and communities of birth? I’m sure not. Does that mean many trans women’s families aren’t mourning the loss of their children though violence? No. Or how there are many trans parents who aren’t even allowed to see their children at Christmas or anytime? No. But do those absolutely need to be included in this type of piece? I don’t think so. And by virtue of the essay being open to comments, you’ve expanded upon it and opened it up to deeper questions. A win-win situation, I’d say.
” Does that mean many trans women’s families aren’t mourning the loss of their children though violence? No. Or how there are many trans parents who aren’t even allowed to see their children at Christmas or anytime? No. But do those absolutely need to be included in this type of piece? I don’t think so. And by virtue of the essay being open to comments, you’ve expanded upon it and opened it up to deeper questions. A win-win situation, I’d say.”
yes, this
agree with all this
Hi Laura!
I definitely understand where you’re coming from and did have some similar feelings as you when reading this, as did Laneia. So what we did was actually we created a new category on Autostraddle called “First Person,” so that we can publish stories like this that are simply first-person narratives about somebody’s life with no claim to a larger message. Just stories. (You can see on the front page that this is categorized as “first person.”) I’ve always really liked those in women’s magazines like JANE and Glamour as well as now on Rookie, and I want to have more of them here. (Lily’s lesbianage essays would be another example of that)
Meanwhile, something like this piece about heteronormative privilege is categorized under “Gender” because he is making some broader points and analysis.
Did this story make me feel better about how queer cis women, trans women and queer trans women might feel going home for christmas? No. Or, as GinaSF said in her comment — “Does that mean many trans women’s families aren’t mourning the loss of their children though violence? No. Or how there are many trans parents who aren’t even allowed to see their children at Christmas or anytime? No.”
Did I relate to it? Nope. But did I like reading it and feel I walked away from it knowing more about the world than I did before? Yes. It’s just the honest truth of his life, and I’ll always be interested in the honest truths from LBTQs who haven’t always fit in, or struggled to get to where they are now. I can’t fault someone for sharing their truth, and I like Sebastian as a person and am glad to have this hopeful story.
(I know you’re not criticizing our decision to publish it or anything, but I can’t speak to my experience as a reader (which I want to address because that’s what you’re talking about) without acknowledging that I came to it from an editor’s POV initially.)
2 yrs ago or so my then-girlfrend and i were having dinner with her family and her dad was saying how he’s discomforted by gay displays of affection and etc., but that he was totally ok with chaz bono — “she looks like a man, she should become a man, yes, sure, i get that” — and i was shocked, b/c transphobia is clearly way more pervasive than homophobia these days, but it seems like maybe there are ppl in this country who are more discomforted by things breaking the gender binary than they are about perceived sexual transgressions. So I found this interesting from that perspective, too.
-Riese-
I have to say I think transmisogyny and transphobia specifically towards trans women is more pervasive than homophobia these days. Transphobia towards men, I’m not so sure. It says a lot about the pervasive misogyny in our culture that most hate crimes against trans people are acts of violence against trans women, not trans men
Tha
I wrote the beginning of a reply below, but did want to object here to your use of “seemingly straight” I am straight and suggesting otherwise because of my trans history is dangerous.
I loved this story! I’m from Lawrence and I’m a passionate trans ally so its very nice to hear your positive loving story coming from Kansas! Gender non-conforming stories and peoples are important and too often overlooked but your story of finding a place within the binary is not evil or bad, I think its lovely! :)
I don’t really see how this is a gender-nonconforming story. Sebastian is binary identified. He stated he identifies as a straight man. He is read as a straight male, not a queer, trans or gender non-conforming person. Even though he transitioned, how is he gender non-conforming if his gender is man and he presents/is read as a man?
Thats just what I meant! He is within the binary and thats great just like its great to be outside of the binary.
This was a really amazing story! It makes me proud to live in Kansas!
This made me cry a little bit. Thanks for sharing.
I found this a really interesting look at what people are able to understand and accept. What people are happy to react to without analyzing or planning their response.
Sebastian is a man, and since he seems to have grown up a tomboy, that fits right in with peoples sense of who he has grown up to be. It just makes sense to them without faltering, power of the mind?
This also brings to mind the piece on afghan girls being brought up as boys, and no one bats an eyelid even when they quite sharply change their presentation to female at puberty, that super [imo] conservative society has no problems understanding it. It just is, gender is worn and shed as needed or wanted.
yes i found those things interesting too
Sebastian, I am seriously ecstatic for you. I think, regardless of my own feelings about gender stereotypes, that it is awesome that you are happy. I just feel guilty that it’s so hard for me to be happy for you because of my own he-she state. Being in between is hard, as I’m sure you’re aware, and I can’t help but feel jealous. I hope someday being outside of the binary will be as seamlessly accepted as switching sides.
I very much hope this too. And I’m also hoping that through advocacy and careers in education and psychology ( the fields I’m going into) I can really work towards this goal
Thank you for writing this article. I really need to read something so positive and wonderful. And your lil cousin! Bus-bash-been. CUTE.
I initially felt a bit bothered by this piece for obvious reason- oh it feels great to be a heteronormative male- NO SHIT! Then I read “hello testosterone hello heteronormative privilege” and understood that he was more aware than I gave him credit for. Even with that, I’m still bothered by the tone of this article (cringe worthy stereotypes aside!). He seems to be reveling in his new found role, which is understandable coming from a place of acceptance within his family, but outside of that it comes off as arrogant and exclusive- just like the world we are fighting every day.
As a man of trans experience there were quite a few things in this article that made me uncomfortable. I found it very gendered and that went completely unchecked. Also lots of unchecked heteronormative straight male privilege (it doesn’t really matter that he wrote about that in another article, I’m talking about this article). I couldn’t relate to much of what he said as I don’t see myself as being any different now than before I transitioned. For example when he said he had a different relationship with his sister as her brother because he used to relate to her as a sister, I couldn’t relate to that at all as I only ever thought of myself as male and therefore only related to my siblings as a brother.
This whole part made me the most uncomfortable because it’s paints a picture of a major issue in our society, which is that gender nonconforming people and visibly queer people are not given the same dignity and respect as gender conforming people or straight people. It paints this picture yet never truly confronts it. There is no mention of all that is problematic with this
“Even for my family, who are definitely more with it than I think Kansans are assumed to be, me being an androgynous lesbian was weird. They maybe would never call it that and they loved me and I’m sure would have awkwardly accepted a serious partner coming over for Christmas, but it was this strange and uncomfortable thing. I didn’t fit into any narratives they were familiar with and I didn’t match the rest of their family. My cousins, for example, are beautiful, petite cheerleaders, and sorority girls (my aunt and grandmother, too, actually). My uncle coaches college baseball and makes sort of dirty jokes. My aunt and grandma cook (or prepare the food we’ve ordered in) while my uncle watches football. So they struggled to get me before I transitioned. My grandma liked to get matching gifts for the grandchildren. For years I got panties and Victoria’s Secret gift cards, jewelry, things I would never feel comfortable wearing. My well-intentioned grandma who knew me very well just couldn’t understand a girl that wasn’t girly.
I’m a pretty heteronormative guy now, on the surface. Yes I’m small and would say I have more style than the regular straight dude, but I’m a much more normal as a guy than I was as a woman. I think they can get me now – they can see all of me now”
“but I’m a much more normal as a guy than I was as a woman.”
This sentence really bothers me and I have to point it out. I don’t like that he is equating being heteronormative with being “normal”. I also really don’t like that a male identified person of trans experience is saying he is “more normal as a guy” than he “was as a woman”. You were never a woman. Sure, you were read as a woman by society but that doesn’t mean you were ever truly a woman. I don’t think it’s fair to say you were an abnormal woman. I’m also uncomfortable with the implications that being masculine/straight as a man = normal. What if he presented as a femme guy post-transition? Would he be less “normal”? Would his family not be supportive as a feminine man would not “match the rest of their family”? why is this issue not addressed in the article? Because lots of folks of trans experience or trans* identified folks are not gender normative, or not straight, and don’t have these privileges
But James, is it possible to accept that this isn’t meant to be a detailed gender analysis? That every trans person’s writings about their life doesn’t need to be binary-busting nor a semiotic examination of events, identities and language? I agree with you about the use of the word “normal”… but remember he’s talking about the perspective of a Midwestern family that hasn’t had prior exposure to trans or queer people. Moreover, I think “normal” was written with a certain sardonic irony, not as a flat statement. Your points are well taken, but I think you’re trying to make this little ‘Holiday memories’ essay something it’s not.
This is such a great article, and really just what I needed to read today. As someone who does not conform to typical gender/sexuality roles (selectively closeted queer girl who is sometimes also a straight guy – is there even a word for that?) it’s really nice to see that it is possible to find a role you’re comfortable with. Although as someone who is neither one gender nor the other 100% of the time, I’m still not entirely sure how I’m going to go about that . . . But I tend to view pretty much everything as a grand adventure, so there’s that.
Also that pic of you and the little kid is adorable.
Hey everyone! I’ve been keeping tabs on the comments since Sunday and waiting for some time to sit down and respond.
I think everyone brings some really good issues up here. Yes there is a lot of privilege in my experience. Perhaps I should have named it directly, though as Riese and GinaSF have suggested this was not a piece of critical analysis. And I think I did that accidentally on purpose. I think as a trans man I’m often expected to be constantly critiquing (And even constantly tearing down) the structures that I’ve transgressed. I’m not sure this is a fair burden to place on trans* people. Just like I don’t expect every woman or even every self-identified feminist woman to dislike or critique a movie that promotes beauty and sex appeal as women’s main (or sole) power. Sometimes feminists are going to enjoy the overall film. Sometimes they’re going to smile when the couple kisses. Laugh at the funny moments. Sometimes trans people – or I’ll be specific – Sometimes I need to be able to just take a breather and be happy with where I have come, be happy that I had this really pleasant Christmas after two therapy sessions of stress and freaking out about my gender not being affirmed.
I did want to highlight the differences in the way my family related to me as a man and as a straight person and as a person who mostly meets what is “normal” in Kansas because I wanted you all to be able to see the discrepancies. I didn’t want to be critical of my family and I won’t be. The journeys I think many of them have made to understand and embrace me in my various forms will not be judged by myself. The society that presents everything as boy=blue and girl=pink and forget anyone that falls in between or who doesn’t like what their gender is supposed to like…. that should be criticized. The fact that my family wouldn’t know what to buy for a girl who didn’t like lingerie or the fact that my sister and I didn’t know how to relate to each other because we couldn’t do what sisters did together on TV – those are societal issues that I think should be addressed. Those are issues that are highlighted in my experience of the world because I’ve seen it from both sides as it were. And I like to share my fortunate perspective on this because not everyone can see what I see. And then you can be critical of my observations.
[boarding a plane – will finish my response in a few hours!]
In response to those of you who felt I was reveling in my privileged and normative existence,I will say that yes I was, but not because of my social status or implications of it’s power. I was reveling in finally presenting my full self to my family and old friends and having that self recognized, affirmed, accepted, and loved. The fact that I largely fall along the binary does not mean that my celebration then is of the binary system. I don’t celebrate the binary. I don’t celebrate the social norms that make me now more outwardly normal than I was when I lived as a woman. And I use normal to mean falling within social norms and definitely not as any personal judgment call. (still more to come later- loving this discussion)
I’m deeply impressed by your ability to write about your experiences family and private life. Unless we’re talking about the occasional third person quip, I suspect I lack such a skill set
Aaaawww, your family sounds great. Faith: restored.
I am really just amazed by the knitting skills on that stocking. That’s beautiful.
Also, I’m really happy for you.
I’m just reading this now (part of the Here/Queer list of things that we read and loved) and I wanted to say how touching and heart-warming this is.
My brothers are 4 and 6 years older than I am. They were always close and I, being the only girl and significantly younger – to them. We became much closer as we got older and that happened to be the time when I came out. Suddenly, what used to be a huge cliché started making sense to me – as soon as you become comfortable and open about yourself, it is easier for other people to be comfortable and open around you.
So happy for you :)
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