Introducing B-Camp

Once upon a time we had a dream. It involved 46 or 200 lady-identified ladies, a charred valley in the shadow of the San Bernadino Mountains, platform tents constructed from discarded copies of The Daily Mail, canned pineapples with warm cottage cheese, a staff comprised of former Autostraddle Interns Who Disappeared Without Officially Quitting, and a weekend packed with workshops, panels, activities and performances designed to pass the time.

It was a dream called B-Camp.

b-camp-logo

The overwhelming success of A-Camp has led to a jam-packed waiting list and hoards of young lesbians unable to fulfill their fantasies of possibly having sex with Sarah Croce or overhearing somebody else having sex with Carmen Rios. Thanks to a recent newsworthy event in the Angelus Oaks region, we were able to secure a potentially carcinogenic patch of land only slightly down the hill from A-Camp, where we intend to provided a fulfilling experience for those unafraid of ghosts, processed meats, and spending a little extra for a truly authentic lesbian vacation.


the-details

When: 

Thursday May 23rd – Monday May 27th, 2013, the same dates as A-Camp

Where: photo by carly usdin

Your $875 tuition includes:

Lodging

"when i said i wanted to get wet at b-camp, this wasn't what i had in mind" (via shutterstock)

“when i said i wanted to get wet at b-camp, this wasn’t what i had in mind” (via shutterstock)

Three nights of access to an umbrella and a carpet square. For $50/hour extra, access to platform tents.

Food

vegans can suck on this

vegans can suck on this

Three “meals” a day, including a last-day Rise & Shine Heart Attack Breakfast co-sponsored by the Jack-in-the-Box Ultimate Breakfast Sandwich and Beano®. Vegetarians, vegans and gluten-free campers are encouraged to bring your own weirdo crap, as our corporate sponsors do not have time for your hippie bullshit.

Programming

Sexy on The Beach Workshop

i’m so glad we attended that Douching For Dummies workshop! I feel fresher than a summer’s eve!

Full access to a variety of activitiesworkshopspanelssports and arts & crafts, some of which you may have to lead yourself because we don’t actually know how to make friendship bracelets.

Transportation

b-camp-hitchhiker

was supposed to be in riese & laneia’s van

If you’re flying into LAX, you will be picked up by one of several large vans driven by Autostraddle staffers arriving at uneven intervals, as coordinated by a bunch of girls who just met for the first time. Your van may or may not break down on the highway. Includes snacks.

Kickass Tote Bag!

Thanks to Wal-Mart for donating these totes for our gift bags!

Thanks to Wal-Mart for donating these totes for our gift bags!

Our official B-Camp Gift Bags will be jam-packed with amazing things such as the official B-Camp T-shirt (designed and printed by Urban Outfitters), a CD copy of the hit single “Dirty Knees” by Dusty Ray, a coupon for a free trial membership to eHarmony, a picture collage of our cats, a fresh pack of Bic Pens For Her, an autographed bootlegged copy of The Real L Word Season One and a paperback edition of The Well of Loneliness. The first ten campers to make it up the mountain will receive a 3 1/4″ floppy disk full of desktop backgrounds Carly made when she was 18 featuring images of strong women.


featured-programming

Rise & Shine Workout!

B-Campers will rise with the sun for a morning workout, which will focus on whittling away excess arm fat, toning your abdominal region, and getting rid of those thighs! (Sponsored by Jillian Michaels Maximum Strength Fat Burner®.)

Skim a F*cking Book Club

You’ve been waiting your whole life to devote two hours to discussing Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman’s Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia by Elizabeth Gilbert or Bitch, Are You Retarded? by Carlos Lee. Your time is now!

caption

omg i also totally wanted to meditate in an exotic place

Slow Dating: Because Speed Dating is For Sluts

This three-day intensive workshop, led by Maggie Gallagher of NOM, is a great opportunity to really savor the flavor of your future match, feasting on lengthy dissections about Halberstam over Frutopia and staring at each other until your eyes hurt. Workshop will culminate in fully-clothed scissoring and hand-holding ceremony, followed by a romantic walk in the forest, which may or may not be haunted.

Transgender Representation in The Media Panel

Listen to special guests Ryan Murphy and Ilene F. Chaiken discuss the difficulties, challenges and rewards of accurately representing transgender people on Television. Panel will be followed by autograph session. Ally cookies and fruit punch will be served. Moderated by Sheila Jeffreys.

Conservative Lifestyle Haircuts

pick me next, casey danger!

pick me next, casey danger!

Inspired by the success of Katrina’s Alternative Lifestyle Haircuts at A-Camp, conservative lifestyle haircuts will inspire you to tone it down a little. You’re not planning on going to Target like that, are you?

Taylor Swift Appreciation Club/Songwriting Workshop

Campers interested in this workshop must bring their middle school diaries and/or printouts from defunct Xanga journals to camp! In this workshop, you’ll learn how to transform self-indulgent adolescent emotion into metered rhyme and then into music! You’ll then practice how to look surprised about everything all the time.

DIY Wax-a-thon

Your underarm hair is gross. Ew.

leg-waxing

this is how leg waxing feels

Getting Your Shit Together Workshop

You have so many feelings, and we all know what that means — you have too many feelings. Role-playing exercises will school you in the art of bottling it up, denial, and other ways to express your feelings besides expressing your feelings, such as insomnia, violence and aggressive internet commenting.

Advanced Unfisting

All the way up in there and re-evaluating your decision? This workshop will go over the basics of how to remove your fist from an unexpectedly inflexible vagina. (Pre-Requisite: Unfisting For Beginners)

Ropes Course

is that a b-camper over there in that pile of twine

is that a b-camper over there in that pile of twine

Just because we don’t have access to the fancy A-Camp Ropes Course doesn’t mean we can’t make you climb a tree and then jump out of it!

Gender Roles Panel

Let A-Camp have their “edgy” “liberal” “hipster” “gender panel,” down at B-Camp we’re keeping it real with boys and girls with a special focus on why Leaning Over is better than Leaning In. Boys will collect internet porn while the girls organize their spice rack. Topics will include figuring out “who’s the man” and why that person should be paying for dinner.

Glamour Shots!

A-Camp Co-Director Robin Roemer will not be doing this activity as she’ll be busy with her own photography situations up the mountain. Luckily we found somebody really talented on cragslist who actually worked at Glamour Shots in the Briarwood Mall in 1994, which’s when Riese got her glamour shot. (BRING YOUR OWN PROPS AND HAIR CRIMPER)


also-also-also

That’s not all. We have overwhelming programming options. What can I say, we’re a team with a lot of ideas in our melons!

Butching It Down

Queer Your Kombucha: Put Your Vodka Into Anything

Damsels in Distress: Self-Defense For Tiny Females With Strong Handshakes

40 Hottest Women In Tech: A Slideshow

MRAs Anonymous

Pictures Of My Cat Workshop

Death Panel

Swag Workshop: How To Attract Dudes By Making Out With Chicks

Dana Fairbanks Memorial Hike

Harnessing The Power Of Your Clam

Queer Parenting 101: Instilling Gender Norms So The Rest of The World Doesn’t Have To

Public Sex is My Radical Sex

What Happened Before Ellen and “Is There Anything After Ellen?”

It’s Not Easy Being Gay: A Coming Out Story Performed As Muppet Theatre

How Do Lesbians Have Sex? A Workshop

“Marriage” And “Wedding” Planning For Queers

Mansplaining Explained

OkAwkward 101: How Panic Attacks, Anxiety and ADHD Can Get You Laid

Abstinence Panel: Because Tribadism Counts

Don’t Read a F*cking Poem Unless It Rhymes Workshop

Shane On You: A Workshop On Gender Policing In The Age Of Shiloh

Hymns for Her

Making Peace With the Patriarchy

Whiteness 101: How To Effectively Save QWOC From Themselves

Design-Your-Own Inspirational Moustache Tattoo

Get Baked Live: Artificial Insemination Or “The Other Use For That Turkey Baster”

Somewhere Over the Rainbow; or, How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love Inequality

Pray the Gay Away

Exploring The Lost Art of Fimo Beading


b-camp-logo-for-headers-after-dark

After a hearty day of activities and a healthy diet of discontinued potato chip flavors, you’ll be ready for a long night of fun and games. We are pulling out all the stops this year.

Murder Mystery Night: Who Killed Jenny?

oh no let's not talk about this again

oh no please don’t make me watch episode 608 again

In this 55-minute event, hosted by Ilene F. Chaiken, campers will take on “characters” from Ilene Chaiken’s unsolved mystery Opus, otherwise known as Season Six of The L Word. (Please note: mystery will not actually be solved.)

Beauty Pageant

Hosted by special guest Carrie Prejean, this classy evening of classy fancy class will feature women with sexy bikinis who know how to twirl batons. Audience is encouraged to bring underpants to throw onto the stage, men’s briefs are acceptable.

Creamed Corn Wrestling

group-wrestling-match

in a kiddie-pool filled with canned cream corn

Hosted by the ghost of Old McDonald (of “Old McDonald had a farm” fame), this is a great opportunity for lesbians to test their skills in a slippery tub of undignified mush. Expect to emerge “smelling like pussy and creamed corn” and feeling like $4,000 bucks.

Movie Screenings

i wish i could quit you

i wish i knew how to quit you

On Thursday night, you can revisit the pain and misery of being LGBT via Tearjerker MarathonThe Children’s Hour, Monster, Philadelphia, Brokeback Mountain, Milk and Boys Don’t Cry. Sponsored by Kleenex® Care-Packs. On Friday, we’ll be indulging in Movies A-Camp Bitches Hate Night, where we can safely enjoy Love Actually, Lost & Delirious and Bloomington free of ridicule. Saturday night, entitled Bechdel Who?, will feature Superbad, The Dilemma and Project X, capping off the evening with the 2012 Alliance of Women Film Journalist’s Most Misogynistic Movie Pick: That’s My Boy starring Adam Sandler!

Last Night Dance

everybody in this picture has mono

everybody in this picture has mono

The final night dance will be DJ’ed by your friend who ipod DJ’ed the other night when you guys had people over.


So, if you’re emotionally prepared for a loosely supervised life-changing experience, don’t delay!

What are you waiting for? Register Now!

this post was made possible by the comedic stylings of Riese, Robin, Marni, Carly, Rachel, Laneia, Gabby, Katrina, Stef, Brittani, Alex, Taylor and Crystal.

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

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146 Comments

  1. Is it possible to switch my reservation from a-camp to b-camp? I need a glamour shot and some slow dating.

    This is the best.

  2. I almost exploded from trying so hard not to laugh in the silent section of my university library :D

        • I’m so glad that when people think of unfisting, they think of me. I’m touched! :0) (No seriously, this is entirely without sarcasm).

          • I used your unfisting story in a class about Safe Queer Sex, along with the famous Effing Dykes post Beneath Her Nails. You people taught me all I need to know about fucking <3

    • oh ali btw you’re gonna be leading the unfisting workshop at B-Camp, we have you penned in, it conflicts with one other workshop and two panels you’re doing at A-Camp during the same timeslot and I know it’s not your area of expertise, but you’re clever and I’m sure you’ll figure something out

      • Ha – it is certainly not my area of expertise. I have failed at the dismount at least once that I can think of. :0)

  3. I so wish this was for real… I would be all over this.

    hilarious post ladies… absolutely hilarious!!

  4. “Mansplaining Explained”

    That’s what finally did me in.

    BRB, buying my ticket to this wonderful wonderful place.

  5. “Vegetarians, vegans and gluten-free campers are encouraged to bring your own weirdo crap, as our corporate sponsors do not have time for your hippie bullshit.”

    I laughed so hard at this!

  6. I was giggling the whole way through, but I absolutely died when I got to the bit on Slow Dating with Maggie Gallagher.

    Also can we make OkAwkward 101 happen? I think I could get some benefit from that.

    • yes, i’ll be leading that workshop from my bedroom, under my comforter, after having smoked enough weed to propel my anxiety into an attack, please feel free to think about joining the google hangout with your video turned off and your mic on mute. so excited!

      • I don’t know what sounds better! ^This or sitting outside of the Whiteness 101 panel. Oh, B-camp… I want you to be real.

  7. My thought process:
    – *sees article on Fb*: This is cruel. Clearly they aren’t having another Camp and now I regret even more not registering for A Camp.
    – *reads stuff about food and accommodations*: Okay, this vegetarian is actually kinda glad B camp isn’t a thing.
    – *reads about contents of tote bags and featured programming*: *begins to cry from laughing*
    – *reads about other programming*: Wait, some of these sound kinda cool…
    – *gets to comment section, notices, the psychedelic colour changing thing going on with all photos, comment box, etc.*: *feels dizzy, decides to end this already-long-enough comment*

  8. not gonna lie, i legitimately thought there would be an extra A-Camp available for us queers who haven’t been able to go before. then i read the article…and now i NEED THIS TO EXIST.

    • oh my god, everything’s changing color and upside down. EVERYTHING. OH GOD WHAT KIND OF DEVIL MAGIC NONSENSE IS THIS

  9. Also, omg, just [accidentally] realized that if you put your cursor over the images, they turn right-side up. Now I feel a bit dumb for reading this article with my neck at a 90 degree angle :/

  10. It’s embarrassing how far I got through this before realizing the date. Also, a few of those activities actually sound interesting.

  11. But I probably would attend a thing called “Pictures Of My Cat Workshop” Ö__Ö’

    Happy fools day AS!

      • You guys want to do a pet pic sharing lunch at A-Camp? Where we just sit around and show each other pictures on our phones of our animals? Cause I for real want to do this. (We could have one for the moms of actual human children too!)

  12. I can’t even handle how hilarious this is!!!!!

    Best april fool’s- ever. period. in the world.

  13. i hope you all know that we would never use papyrus or that much rainbow clip art in earnest

  14. I made it all the way to the shirts made by urban outfitters before it clicked ahahaha.

    Although Queer Your Kombucha: Put Your Vodka Into Anything should be a thing anyway.

  15. epic you guys. you missed the class on “trolling the comment section” though! touche?

  16. I was prepared to hate everything today because I find April 1st incredibly annoying, but this was so perfect. Also, I would totally be there for a coming out puppet theatre.

  17. I wanted to quote/point out my favorites bits but then realized I’d be reposting the entire thing in my comment. This is pure genius and the best april’s fool thing I’ve seen today.

    Also love the very 90’s promo poster, the use of the Papyrus font propells it to masterpiece status.

  18. And if you already are not having a fit on the floor from reading this article, you will be, after attempting to click the link to register for B-Camp!

    On a sadder note I thought that there finally was a possibility of making up for not going to A-Camp, but I guess that won’t be happening.

  19. I am not seeing weird colours and upside down things and tacky fonts? I feel left out. *pouts*

    • I toned it down a bit – you should see it now in the header, links and when you hover over images. It only works in Chrome and Safari though!

  20. Can we please please please please do 90s Glamour shots?!?! I will bring my bedazzler and crimper. I want this more than anything in the world.

    Also, I really lost it in the library when I got to “Death Panels”

  21. I really thought this was a thing for a minute and was like WTF WAL-MART TOTES AND A FLOPPY DISK??? But now I get it. Well played.

  22. Can I please attend OkAwkward 101: How Panic Attacks, Anxiety and ADHD Can Get You Laid? For realz?

  23. “If you’re flying into LAX, you will be picked up by one of several large vans driven by Autostraddle staffers arriving at uneven intervals, as coordinated by a bunch of girls who just met for the first time. Your van may or may not break down on the highway. Includes snacks.”

    PERFECTION.

  24. I thought something was wrong with my phone when I was reading this article! It took me an embarrassingly long amount of time to notice the color changes and when I did I was about to do the whole ‘turn your phone off and on cuz that will fix everything’ thing. Lol. Good one y’all!
    I hope that floppy disk really exists.

  25. guys why has no one quoted this part yet:

    “The overwhelming success of A-Camp has led to a jam-packed waiting list and hoards of young lesbians unable to fulfill their fantasies of possibly having sex with Sarah Croce or overhearing somebody else having sex with Carmen Rios.”

    were we all being subtle and classy and trying not to embarrass our friends?! because i’m sorry i can’t, i am DYING at work…so glad i work with such fucking hilarious humans. i love everyone (and i really hate april fools so like, my love for this post is a huge deal, jsyk).

  26. I’m reading this in class half paying attention and I think I got up to “unfisting” before realizing I’d been plunked. I even got past “hippie bullsh*t” and “conservative haircuts”.

    How do I live with myself…

  27. The last three songs that played on my phone were Taylor Swift. I would fit in perfectly at B Camp!

  28. “The first ten campers to make it up the mountain will receive a 3 1/4″ floppy disk full of desktop backgrounds Carly made when she was 18 featuring images of strong women.”

    No, but really can I get a copy of that?

      • I want to let you know that not only am I completely serious, but I have access to all sorts of now defunct computer equipment.

        The only way to get your grades off the computer running the Social Science’s scantron machine is by using a floppy disk. I’ve been told it’s for “security”.

        • It may be security in an “only repels casual troublemakers” sort of way. Certainly you couldn’t just walk past with your USB drive.

          It’s still possible to buy floppies, though (I checked Amazon), so I hope that computer has other protections too. :)

  29. You guys, let’s be real: you can’t do B-Camp movie night without Kissing Jessica Stein.

  30. “40 Hottest Women In Tech: A Slideshow”

    –> dying. I just had coffee with my tech industry buddy and her posse of mansplainy co-workers.

  31. I thought this was just a weirdly sarcastic joke but didn’t make the leap to April Fools until I hit Ryan Murphy and Ilene B. Chaiken.

    Then I got bummed because my first reaction was, “Wow, they finally get me!” because I like the majority of these things. I mean, my whole life is a Taylor Swift Appreciation Club. And I can’t pretend to not enjoy Buzzfeed.

    I’ll go back to being uncool now.

    Well played.

  32. So I’m glad I knew today was April Fool’s or I totally would’ve fell for this. Also, I really feel like I could get something out of a workshop titled “Getting your Shit Together”, since most of mine isn’t. Js.

  33. Queer Your Kombucha: Put Your Vodka Into Anything

    oh my god
    i love you all
    italicized for emphasis

  34. Haha what a great April Fools joke!

    Though I would love going on a Dana Fairbanks Memorial Hike while romantically holding hands with a girl to protected her from the questionably haunted forest!

  35. “Public Sex is My Radical Sex” bahahaha how did I miss this the first 5 times I re-read this post. I presume bathroom hookups are a must at B Camp.

  36. I read this so many times today. I decide on a new favorite part each time, but let’s be real, it’s all my favorite part. This is perfection and I love you.

  37. Normally I hate April Fools’ Day, but there was this and then I checked my mail. Guys, I got a letter from the NRA announcing my new membership. BWAHAHAHAHA!!!! “Psych,” I thought. “April Fools!”

    And then I looked at it. And it was real. And I laughed soooo much harder.

  38. That was incredibly hilarious, and almost appealing. I almost got excited a creamed corn wrestling. I just wondered if I was going to be the only gal in a bikini sitting in there waiting for a challenger while everyone slowly turned and started to walked away. Ha. Damn!

    Happy April Fools sexy queermos!

  39. i was actually able to tell this was a joke pretty early on (first paragraph) but nevertheless appreciate how elaborate and clever it is. <33

    also i would join the taylor swift appreciation club if it existed. #sorrynotsorry

  40. Bravo, food image selector. The grilled cheese with mozzarella sticks in it is possibly the most unappetizing food item I have ever seen.

  41. “Transgender representation in the media… Moderated by Sheila Jeffreys.”

    something has gone horribly right.

  42. me –> TRIGGERED. true story– when i was 13 i went to my local library and typed “lesbian” in the catalog– it spat out just one entry. “the well of loneliness.” 13, just coming out and lesbian = well of loneliness. that should have been a prank.

    thanks AS for helping me work through my traumatic coming-out memories by pretend-distributing it to all of pretend-b-camp! i could really use the “getting your shit together” too many feelings workshop right now.

    and kidding, not really triggered though even now i can still feel that shock– but times have changed, now there are several queer librarians at that same library and i can get near anything i request. i wonder if there are any books about “unfisting”…?

  43. AHHH just saw “Shane On You: A Workshop On Gender Policing In The Age Of Shiloh”!!!! wowww….

  44. “everybody in this picture has mono.”

    you have made me unspeakably happy with this entire post.

  45. Sorry, I realize this is an April Fools prank, but what exactly does “lady-identified ladies” mean? I assume this is a typo and you meant “lesbian-identified ladies” or “lady-loving ladies” or something, right?

  46. I just discovered this. Woah. So much love. And a real sense of what the brand is all about. (Wink)

Comments are closed.