Once upon a time we had a dream. It involved 46 or 200 lady-identified ladies, a charred valley in the shadow of the San Bernadino Mountains, platform tents constructed from discarded copies of The Daily Mail, canned pineapples with warm cottage cheese, a staff comprised of former Autostraddle Interns Who Disappeared Without Officially Quitting, and a weekend packed with workshops, panels, activities and performances designed to pass the time.
It was a dream called B-Camp.
The overwhelming success of A-Camp has led to a jam-packed waiting list and hoards of young lesbians unable to fulfill their fantasies of possibly having sex with Sarah Croce or overhearing somebody else having sex with Carmen Rios. Thanks to a recent newsworthy event in the Angelus Oaks region, we were able to secure a potentially carcinogenic patch of land only slightly down the hill from A-Camp, where we intend to provided a fulfilling experience for those unafraid of ghosts, processed meats, and spending a little extra for a truly authentic lesbian vacation.
Thursday May 23rd – Monday May 27th, 2013, the same dates as A-Camp
Your $875 tuition includes:
Three nights of access to an umbrella and a carpet square. For $50/hour extra, access to platform tents.
Three “meals” a day, including a last-day Rise & Shine Heart Attack Breakfast co-sponsored by the Jack-in-the-Box Ultimate Breakfast Sandwich and Beano®. Vegetarians, vegans and gluten-free campers are encouraged to bring your own weirdo crap, as our corporate sponsors do not have time for your hippie bullshit.
Full access to a variety of activities, workshops, panels, sports and arts & crafts, some of which you may have to lead yourself because we don’t actually know how to make friendship bracelets.
If you’re flying into LAX, you will be picked up by one of several large vans driven by Autostraddle staffers arriving at uneven intervals, as coordinated by a bunch of girls who just met for the first time. Your van may or may not break down on the highway. Includes snacks.
Kickass Tote Bag!
Our official B-Camp Gift Bags will be jam-packed with amazing things such as the official B-Camp T-shirt (designed and printed by Urban Outfitters), a CD copy of the hit single “Dirty Knees” by Dusty Ray, a coupon for a free trial membership to eHarmony, a picture collage of our cats, a fresh pack of Bic Pens For Her, an autographed bootlegged copy of The Real L Word Season One and a paperback edition of The Well of Loneliness. The first ten campers to make it up the mountain will receive a 3 1/4″ floppy disk full of desktop backgrounds Carly made when she was 18 featuring images of strong women.
Rise & Shine Workout!
B-Campers will rise with the sun for a morning workout, which will focus on whittling away excess arm fat, toning your abdominal region, and getting rid of those thighs! (Sponsored by Jillian Michaels Maximum Strength Fat Burner®.)
Skim a F*cking Book Club
You’ve been waiting your whole life to devote two hours to discussing Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman’s Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia by Elizabeth Gilbert or Bitch, Are You Retarded? by Carlos Lee. Your time is now!
Slow Dating: Because Speed Dating is For Sluts
This three-day intensive workshop, led by Maggie Gallagher of NOM, is a great opportunity to really savor the flavor of your future match, feasting on lengthy dissections about Halberstam over Frutopia and staring at each other until your eyes hurt. Workshop will culminate in fully-clothed scissoring and hand-holding ceremony, followed by a romantic walk in the forest, which may or may not be haunted.
Transgender Representation in The Media Panel
Listen to special guests Ryan Murphy and Ilene F. Chaiken discuss the difficulties, challenges and rewards of accurately representing transgender people on Television. Panel will be followed by autograph session. Ally cookies and fruit punch will be served. Moderated by Sheila Jeffreys.
Conservative Lifestyle Haircuts
Inspired by the success of Katrina’s Alternative Lifestyle Haircuts at A-Camp, conservative lifestyle haircuts will inspire you to tone it down a little. You’re not planning on going to Target like that, are you?
Taylor Swift Appreciation Club/Songwriting Workshop
Campers interested in this workshop must bring their middle school diaries and/or printouts from defunct Xanga journals to camp! In this workshop, you’ll learn how to transform self-indulgent adolescent emotion into metered rhyme and then into music! You’ll then practice how to look surprised about everything all the time.
Your underarm hair is gross. Ew.
Getting Your Shit Together Workshop
You have so many feelings, and we all know what that means — you have too many feelings. Role-playing exercises will school you in the art of bottling it up, denial, and other ways to express your feelings besides expressing your feelings, such as insomnia, violence and aggressive internet commenting.
All the way up in there and re-evaluating your decision? This workshop will go over the basics of how to remove your fist from an unexpectedly inflexible vagina. (Pre-Requisite: Unfisting For Beginners)
Just because we don’t have access to the fancy A-Camp Ropes Course doesn’t mean we can’t make you climb a tree and then jump out of it!
Gender Roles Panel
Let A-Camp have their “edgy” “liberal” “hipster” “gender panel,” down at B-Camp we’re keeping it real with boys and girls with a special focus on why Leaning Over is better than Leaning In. Boys will collect internet porn while the girls organize their spice rack. Topics will include figuring out “who’s the man” and why that person should be paying for dinner.
A-Camp Co-Director Robin Roemer will not be doing this activity as she’ll be busy with her own photography situations up the mountain. Luckily we found somebody really talented on cragslist who actually worked at Glamour Shots in the Briarwood Mall in 1994, which’s when Riese got her glamour shot. (BRING YOUR OWN PROPS AND HAIR CRIMPER)
That’s not all. We have overwhelming programming options. What can I say, we’re a team with a lot of ideas in our melons!
Butching It Down
Queer Your Kombucha: Put Your Vodka Into Anything
Damsels in Distress: Self-Defense For Tiny Females With Strong Handshakes
Pictures Of My Cat Workshop
Swag Workshop: How To Attract Dudes By Making Out With Chicks
Dana Fairbanks Memorial Hike
Harnessing The Power Of Your Clam
Queer Parenting 101: Instilling Gender Norms So The Rest of The World Doesn’t Have To
Public Sex is My Radical Sex
What Happened Before Ellen and “Is There Anything After Ellen?”
It’s Not Easy Being Gay: A Coming Out Story Performed As Muppet Theatre
How Do Lesbians Have Sex? A Workshop
“Marriage” And “Wedding” Planning For Queers
OkAwkward 101: How Panic Attacks, Anxiety and ADHD Can Get You Laid
Abstinence Panel: Because Tribadism Counts
Don’t Read a F*cking Poem Unless It Rhymes Workshop
Shane On You: A Workshop On Gender Policing In The Age Of Shiloh
Hymns for Her
Making Peace With the Patriarchy
Whiteness 101: How To Effectively Save QWOC From Themselves
Design-Your-Own Inspirational Moustache Tattoo
Get Baked Live: Artificial Insemination Or “The Other Use For That Turkey Baster”
Somewhere Over the Rainbow; or, How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love Inequality
Pray the Gay Away
Exploring The Lost Art of Fimo Beading
After a hearty day of activities and a healthy diet of discontinued potato chip flavors, you’ll be ready for a long night of fun and games. We are pulling out all the stops this year.
Murder Mystery Night: Who Killed Jenny?
In this 55-minute event, hosted by Ilene F. Chaiken, campers will take on “characters” from Ilene Chaiken’s unsolved mystery Opus, otherwise known as Season Six of The L Word. (Please note: mystery will not actually be solved.)
Hosted by special guest Carrie Prejean, this classy evening of classy fancy class will feature women with sexy bikinis who know how to twirl batons. Audience is encouraged to bring underpants to throw onto the stage, men’s briefs are acceptable.
Creamed Corn Wrestling
Hosted by the ghost of Old McDonald (of “Old McDonald had a farm” fame), this is a great opportunity for lesbians to test their skills in a slippery tub of undignified mush. Expect to emerge “smelling like pussy and creamed corn” and feeling like $4,000 bucks.
On Thursday night, you can revisit the pain and misery of being LGBT via Tearjerker Marathon — The Children’s Hour, Monster, Philadelphia, Brokeback Mountain, Milk and Boys Don’t Cry. Sponsored by Kleenex® Care-Packs. On Friday, we’ll be indulging in Movies A-Camp Bitches Hate Night, where we can safely enjoy Love Actually, Lost & Delirious and Bloomington free of ridicule. Saturday night, entitled Bechdel Who?, will feature Superbad, The Dilemma and Project X, capping off the evening with the 2012 Alliance of Women Film Journalist’s Most Misogynistic Movie Pick: That’s My Boy starring Adam Sandler!
Last Night Dance
The final night dance will be DJ’ed by your friend who ipod DJ’ed the other night when you guys had people over.
So, if you’re emotionally prepared for a loosely supervised life-changing experience, don’t delay!
What are you waiting for? Register Now!
this post was made possible by the comedic stylings of Riese, Robin, Marni, Carly, Rachel, Laneia, Gabby, Katrina, Stef, Brittani, Alex, Taylor and Crystal.
Hurry up and pick a mod because all the pics are upside down!
lol it’s april fools day….
Duh I get it. Figures… And I almost never comment too.
“a CD copy of the hit single ‘Dirty Knees’ by Dusty Ray”
A DREAM COME TRUE
Is it possible to switch my reservation from a-camp to b-camp? I need a glamour shot and some slow dating.
This is the best.
I almost exploded from trying so hard not to laugh in the silent section of my university library :D
I think maybe I should venture to B-Camp to take Advanced Unfisting…
Your wrist thanks you.
I thought about you when I saw that!
I did too!
I’m so glad that when people think of unfisting, they think of me. I’m touched! :0) (No seriously, this is entirely without sarcasm).
Seems like you’re more than just “touched”…
Okay all these commenters need a high-five. Or maybe a fist bump :P
I used your unfisting story in a class about Safe Queer Sex, along with the famous Effing Dykes post Beneath Her Nails. You people taught me all I need to know about fucking <3
oh ali btw you’re gonna be leading the unfisting workshop at B-Camp, we have you penned in, it conflicts with one other workshop and two panels you’re doing at A-Camp during the same timeslot and I know it’s not your area of expertise, but you’re clever and I’m sure you’ll figure something out
Ha – it is certainly not my area of expertise. I have failed at the dismount at least once that I can think of. :0)
If only I hads senns this 30 mintues ago.. hard to type on-e handed. RELAX PLEAEES!
I so wish this was for real… I would be all over this.
hilarious post ladies… absolutely hilarious!!
That’s what finally did me in.
BRB, buying my ticket to this wonderful wonderful place.
“Vegetarians, vegans and gluten-free campers are encouraged to bring your own weirdo crap, as our corporate sponsors do not have time for your hippie bullshit.”
I laughed so hard at this!
I was so offended, and then I realized something was seriously wrong LOL
especially followed byt the Wal-mart bags!
TAKE MY MONEY NOW PLZ
well played, Autostraddle. well played indeed.
I was giggling the whole way through, but I absolutely died when I got to the bit on Slow Dating with Maggie Gallagher.
Also can we make OkAwkward 101 happen? I think I could get some benefit from that.
And I’m totally down for the Dana Fairbanks Memorial Hike.
That’s exactly what I was thinking! I’ll never stop mourning her.
yes, i’ll be leading that workshop from my bedroom, under my comforter, after having smoked enough weed to propel my anxiety into an attack, please feel free to think about joining the google hangout with your video turned off and your mic on mute. so excited!
I don’t know what sounds better! ^This or sitting outside of the Whiteness 101 panel. Oh, B-camp… I want you to be real.
you had me at “Bic Pens For Her”!
Where do I sign up?
The forms can’t be filled out with one of those clunky man pens!!
My thought process:
– *sees article on Fb*: This is cruel. Clearly they aren’t having another Camp and now I regret even more not registering for A Camp.
– *reads stuff about food and accommodations*: Okay, this vegetarian is actually kinda glad B camp isn’t a thing.
– *reads about contents of tote bags and featured programming*: *begins to cry from laughing*
– *reads about other programming*: Wait, some of these sound kinda cool…
– *gets to comment section, notices, the psychedelic colour changing thing going on with all photos, comment box, etc.*: *feels dizzy, decides to end this already-long-enough comment*
not gonna lie, i legitimately thought there would be an extra A-Camp available for us queers who haven’t been able to go before. then i read the article…and now i NEED THIS TO EXIST.
oh my god, everything’s changing color and upside down. EVERYTHING. OH GOD WHAT KIND OF DEVIL MAGIC NONSENSE IS THIS
Also, omg, just [accidentally] realized that if you put your cursor over the images, they turn right-side up. Now I feel a bit dumb for reading this article with my neck at a 90 degree angle :/
*coughs* Refreshing the page also works :P
EVEN THE SMILIES ARE UPSIDE DOWN. HOW DO YOU PEOPLE DO THIS ARE YOU WIZARDS
Yer a wizard Autostraddle.
It’s embarrassing how far I got through this before realizing the date. Also, a few of those activities actually sound interesting.
ikr! I really want to play Who Killed Jenny, that legit sounds like a fun game :D
That’s what I was thinking! I would be embarrassingly all over that.
I actually really want to do the Dana Fairbanks Memorial Hike.
Giving up my spot at A camp right now, can’t wait for B Camp!!!
But I probably would attend a thing called “Pictures Of My Cat Workshop” Ö__Ö’
Happy fools day AS!
no i legit asked if i can host it for real.
You guys want to do a pet pic sharing lunch at A-Camp? Where we just sit around and show each other pictures on our phones of our animals? Cause I for real want to do this. (We could have one for the moms of actual human children too!)
I am so in.
LET’S DO THIS!
My parents have six cats. I never STFU about them and there are pictures all over my iPhone of them doing various cute things. MY KITTEN ZIGGY IS LICKING HIS LIPS IN FRONT OF THE CAT BOWL OMG YOU GUYS! PETEY IS LYING IN A BAG!
i am so in.
I have 4 cats and a bearded dragon. Count me in also! I’ve got pictures to share for days.
I have a sweet pup and the most adorable niece and nephew ever. I’m totally game for this. My friends are tired of looking at pictures so new people will be great.
So in for this, will be sure to have pics of the 2 kitties and a Rainbow Boa (Gayest Thnake EVAR!)
MY CAT IS MY CHILD! LET’S DO THIS!
I call my cat son. I am totally in.
i will be creating a picture book of scully.
Will you have copies available for sale?
I’m totally up for that, like 90% of the pictures on my phone are of my cat
Yes! My cat is my baby and I also have the cutest baby sister ever, please make this a real thing!
I’m so in on this. My foster cat has his own Facebook page (“Mellow Yellow”) and would come to camp if it weren’t for…the logistics of bringing a cat to camp.
Agreed. They had me at “Pictures of My Cat Workshop”. And a DIY Wax-a-Thon? I can’t see how combining cats and wax could possibly go wrong…
I can’t even handle how hilarious this is!!!!!
Best april fool’s- ever. period. in the world.
i hope you all know that we would never use papyrus or that much rainbow clip art in earnest
the papyrus and rainbow was all much less painful upside down and changing colours for some weird reason…
i was expecting some comic sans, too.
did i miss the papyrus?! fml
oh nevermind, i thought this was like 3 years ago when we put the entire site in comic sans or whatever and then no one was sober enough at dinah to fix it
the papyrus along with rainbow-color-changing links really did it for me
I made it all the way to the shirts made by urban outfitters before it clicked ahahaha.
Although Queer Your Kombucha: Put Your Vodka Into Anything should be a thing anyway.
I managed to make it to slow dating before it clicked thanks to the power of skimming.
epic you guys. you missed the class on “trolling the comment section” though! touche?
Is anyone else totally up for a Dana Fairbanks Memorial Hike?
I was prepared to hate everything today because I find April 1st incredibly annoying, but this was so perfect. Also, I would totally be there for a coming out puppet theatre.
I wanted to quote/point out my favorites bits but then realized I’d be reposting the entire thing in my comment. This is pure genius and the best april’s fool thing I’ve seen today.
Also love the very 90’s promo poster, the use of the Papyrus font propells it to masterpiece status.
i considered comic sans, as we all do, but thought Papyrus was the more elegant choice
“as we all do”
Are we being pegged as April’s Fools?
And if you already are not having a fit on the floor from reading this article, you will be, after attempting to click the link to register for B-Camp!
On a sadder note I thought that there finally was a possibility of making up for not going to A-Camp, but I guess that won’t be happening.
I am not seeing weird colours and upside down things and tacky fonts? I feel left out. *pouts*
I toned it down a bit – you should see it now in the header, links and when you hover over images. It only works in Chrome and Safari though!
Who captioned these photos? Was it Intern Grace?
it was me duh
As soon as I saw the papyrus, I knew it must be April Fools.
This is made even more hilarious by the fact that I am currently studying a series of lectures in which the professor openly and intentionally uses papyrus for everything.
Is it bad that I totally believed this was a thing til I got to the comments section?
The transportation section really put it over the top.
that was my favourite bit too. cos well, snacks.
Can we please please please please do 90s Glamour shots?!?! I will bring my bedazzler and crimper. I want this more than anything in the world.
Also, I really lost it in the library when I got to “Death Panels”
Ying-yang pendants in our tote bags, intensely flower-patterned flowy dress on the packing list…
vajazzling is still a thing right
I really thought this was a thing for a minute and was like WTF WAL-MART TOTES AND A FLOPPY DISK??? But now I get it. Well played.
Can I please attend OkAwkward 101: How Panic Attacks, Anxiety and ADHD Can Get You Laid? For realz?
“If you’re flying into LAX, you will be picked up by one of several large vans driven by Autostraddle staffers arriving at uneven intervals, as coordinated by a bunch of girls who just met for the first time. Your van may or may not break down on the highway. Includes snacks.”
I thought something was wrong with my phone when I was reading this article! It took me an embarrassingly long amount of time to notice the color changes and when I did I was about to do the whole ‘turn your phone off and on cuz that will fix everything’ thing. Lol. Good one y’all!
I hope that floppy disk really exists.
guys why has no one quoted this part yet:
“The overwhelming success of A-Camp has led to a jam-packed waiting list and hoards of young lesbians unable to fulfill their fantasies of possibly having sex with Sarah Croce or overhearing somebody else having sex with Carmen Rios.”
were we all being subtle and classy and trying not to embarrass our friends?! because i’m sorry i can’t, i am DYING at work…so glad i work with such fucking hilarious humans. i love everyone (and i really hate april fools so like, my love for this post is a huge deal, jsyk).
no i make sure to embarrass carmen as often as possible.
she didn’t go it alone, ya’ll.
YOU WEREN’T EVEN THERE.
YOU DON’T KNOW MY STRUGGLE.
I laughed the very hardest at this and unfisting.
I was going to quote that because I’m pretty sure I woke up my neighbours when I read that part.
But not in the same manner that Carmen’s neighbours were awoken that fateful night.
(I’m disappointed that nobody listed broken bunk beds as part of the lodging feature)
BECAUSE WE FIXED THEM.
this whole conversation is tooo funny!
I’m reading this in class half paying attention and I think I got up to “unfisting” before realizing I’d been plunked. I even got past “hippie bullsh*t” and “conservative haircuts”.
How do I live with myself…
Oops I meant “punked”.
The last three songs that played on my phone were Taylor Swift. I would fit in perfectly at B Camp!
“The first ten campers to make it up the mountain will receive a 3 1/4″ floppy disk full of desktop backgrounds Carly made when she was 18 featuring images of strong women.”
No, but really can I get a copy of that?
I really gotta find those (yes they are real).
I want to let you know that not only am I completely serious, but I have access to all sorts of now defunct computer equipment.
The only way to get your grades off the computer running the Social Science’s scantron machine is by using a floppy disk. I’ve been told it’s for “security”.
It may be security in an “only repels casual troublemakers” sort of way. Certainly you couldn’t just walk past with your USB drive.
It’s still possible to buy floppies, though (I checked Amazon), so I hope that computer has other protections too. :)
You guys, let’s be real: you can’t do B-Camp movie night without Kissing Jessica Stein.
“40 Hottest Women In Tech: A Slideshow”
–> dying. I just had coffee with my tech industry buddy and her posse of mansplainy co-workers.
This seriously took me back to the days of Nick Magazine.
I thought this was just a weirdly sarcastic joke but didn’t make the leap to April Fools until I hit Ryan Murphy and Ilene B. Chaiken.
Then I got bummed because my first reaction was, “Wow, they finally get me!” because I like the majority of these things. I mean, my whole life is a Taylor Swift Appreciation Club. And I can’t pretend to not enjoy Buzzfeed.
I’ll go back to being uncool now.
I’m also not sure why in my mind it’s “Ilene B. Chaiken”?? I give up.
So I’m glad I knew today was April Fool’s or I totally would’ve fell for this. Also, I really feel like I could get something out of a workshop titled “Getting your Shit Together”, since most of mine isn’t. Js.
Haha, awesome. This made me even more excited for A-Camp!
Done and done. BRING ON THE CREAMED CORN!
Queer Your Kombucha: Put Your Vodka Into Anything
oh my god
i love you all
italicized for emphasis
Haha what a great April Fools joke!
Though I would love going on a Dana Fairbanks Memorial Hike while romantically holding hands with a girl to protected her from the questionably haunted forest!
“Public Sex is My Radical Sex” bahahaha how did I miss this the first 5 times I re-read this post. I presume bathroom hookups are a must at B Camp.
I get the distinct impression there are no bathrooms at B camp.
I read this so many times today. I decide on a new favorite part each time, but let’s be real, it’s all my favorite part. This is perfection and I love you.
Normally I hate April Fools’ Day, but there was this and then I checked my mail. Guys, I got a letter from the NRA announcing my new membership. BWAHAHAHAHA!!!! “Psych,” I thought. “April Fools!”
And then I looked at it. And it was real. And I laughed soooo much harder.
That was incredibly hilarious, and almost appealing. I almost got excited a creamed corn wrestling. I just wondered if I was going to be the only gal in a bikini sitting in there waiting for a challenger while everyone slowly turned and started to walked away. Ha. Damn!
Happy April Fools sexy queermos!
i was actually able to tell this was a joke pretty early on (first paragraph) but nevertheless appreciate how elaborate and clever it is. <33
also i would join the taylor swift appreciation club if it existed. #sorrynotsorry
Bravo, food image selector. The grilled cheese with mozzarella sticks in it is possibly the most unappetizing food item I have ever seen.
“Transgender representation in the media… Moderated by Sheila Jeffreys.”
something has gone horribly right.
me –> TRIGGERED. true story– when i was 13 i went to my local library and typed “lesbian” in the catalog– it spat out just one entry. “the well of loneliness.” 13, just coming out and lesbian = well of loneliness. that should have been a prank.
thanks AS for helping me work through my traumatic coming-out memories by pretend-distributing it to all of pretend-b-camp! i could really use the “getting your shit together” too many feelings workshop right now.
and kidding, not really triggered though even now i can still feel that shock– but times have changed, now there are several queer librarians at that same library and i can get near anything i request. i wonder if there are any books about “unfisting”…?
i actually started a piece about how much i hate that fucking book last summer that i will probably finish one day
yep I tried to unlesbian after reading that for a long long time
prefer The Friendly Young Ladies, its cheerful, ambling antidote
AHHH just saw “Shane On You: A Workshop On Gender Policing In The Age Of Shiloh”!!!! wowww….
Can there be moose counselors at fall A-camp?
“everybody in this picture has mono.”
you have made me unspeakably happy with this entire post.
That part made me snort (and I was sitting in the school library)
Sorry, I realize this is an April Fools prank, but what exactly does “lady-identified ladies” mean? I assume this is a typo and you meant “lesbian-identified ladies” or “lady-loving ladies” or something, right?
I’m really surprised that you all would think we would want a cd from Dusty Ray..
thank you archives for this
“conservative lifestyle haircuts”
laughing forever at this
I just discovered this. Woah. So much love. And a real sense of what the brand is all about. (Wink)