I Can’t Figure out Snapchat: Some More Internet Haikus

a sleeper twitter
someone i did not expect
is chrissy teigen

when facebook came out
i was in my freshman year
college not high school

go on pandora
with rihanna’s ‘work’ in mind
not today old friend

a sad confession
i can’t figure out snapchat
i feel death’s hot breath

real life to online
too short just doesn’t translate
i’m sorry too short

my close online friend
@’d virginia woolf’s ghost
and met her girlfriend

tweet’s ‘oops (oh my)’ song
was a prophetic story
describing twitter

truly feel blessed that
i’m hard to find on facebook
shout out to my name

kevin gates’ six jobs
are internet byproducts
gig economy

something that’s crazy
is i got a car bumper
sent from amazon

i need a hair app
that tells me how to cut it
‘what’s app with my hair’

joanne the scammer
is like a next level cher
very iconic

liked an ex’s pic
it’s not that bad except whoops
that’s her boyfriend’s page

i saw a g-chat
but from seven years ago
and i’m now a ghost

who called them comments
when they’re really e-pinions
lol 2 tru

facebook’s custom tab
has saved many families
specifically mine

hey entrepreneurs
if you create that hair app
can i have a… cut

my favorite screenshots
are with mariah carey
saying “who’s j.lo?”

the A+ podcast
is required listening
their voices like hugs

mallory ortberg
she’s a nice alien, right?
welcome to earth mal

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Los Angeles based writer. Let's keep it clean out there!

Erin has written 208 articles for us.


  1. “What’s app with my hair” made me giggle. Thank you.

    Also, the second one. Me too. I remember one day saying to my roommate, “What’s Facebook?”

      • I remember facebook when it was only profiles, no groups or pages. And we had a wall instead of a newsfeed. A lot of pressure for ppl to generate interesting content, heh.

      • Yeah, I think I listed pretty much every band in my CD collection. I had a pretty thorough list of movies, too.

      • i miss that! the best thing about having an autostraddle profile is using it as an outlet to make absurdly long lists of things i like. i was really bitter when facebook swapped to making you like pages.

  2. I can help you. Some other people my own age showed me how to use snapchat this weekend. All you have to do to use the filters is press on the screen over your face when you are in selfie mode (front facing camera mode). Then you swipe the different filters to the left. The very last filter is face swap.

    I felt dumb when other adults showed me how to use it however yesterday I spent several minutes sending pictures of myself vomiting rainbows. If you figure it out, you can send me snaps! My username is alcopela :)

      • :D On the picture taking screen there is a small white square in the bottom left corner. Press on the square and it will take you to the list of of people who have sent you stuff. From there you can press on their name and view their messages.

        • or just swipe. swiping left from the photo taking screen takes you to things people have sent you. swiping right takes you to the page with people’s stories (and the weird corporate stuff no one cares about).

      • And there’s also the square in the bottom right corner for the stuff that people send to everyone instead of directly to specific people. You can do this, Erin.

        I suggest not following any celebrities on snapchat right now, though. Because I think they’re all contractually obligated to be at Coachella, or something.

    • Thank you! You just taught me how to use the filters this very minute. I accidentally did it one day, but was never able to figure out how I did it! <3

  3. I get to use the fact that my 18-year-old is SO fully gnarled out at the idea of me being on Snapchat as a really great reason to not care about Snapchat! Win-win!

    • ‘fully gnarled out’ oh my gosh I love this expression. maybe because I remember the ’80s.

  4. I FIGURED OUT SNAPCHAT I THINK, the point is to put the filters on your pets.
    my snapchat name is the same as my instagram and i want to watch more people get weird, just throwin that out there.

  5. I lost my shit at “What’s app with my hair” so now everyone at work thinks I’m crazy.

    Also, I still don’t really “get” snapchat (although thanks to Amanda’s comment I now know at least how to use it!) and I feel like I should, so it’s good to know I’m not alone.

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