Now it’s time for an episode of Fondue for Two, aka “When Keeping It Real Goes Right,” featuring Mercedes Jones and Rachel Berry!
Brit-Brit launches right in to dishing the dirt with Rachel, doing that thing Glee does now where it responds to fan critiques of the show’s radical disassociation from reality by lampshading instead of by fixing the actual show.
Brittany: You’re currently rehearsing for a lead role in a Broadway musical. You’re also working full time as a singing waitress at a diner and enrolled full time as a student at NYADA.
Rachel: That’s correct.
Brittany: Would you agree that it’s slightly irresponsible for you to leave New York for an entire week for no other reason than the Glee Club’s been canceled?
Rachel: No- I just-
Brittany: When are the lies going to stop? You don’t even live in New York. I’m not even sure you’ve been to New York.
Rachel: Brittany, we went to New York together.
Brittany: Don’t change the subject.
Rachel: Are your cats making out?
Brittany: Yes, they are.
Brittany hops over to Mercedes to wink/nod at her turn on Dancing With The Stars:
Brittany: Mercedes, how would you respond to the rumors that you’re a really good dancer-
Brittany: -but you hid the fact the entire time you were in Glee Club so Mr. Shue would allow you to, quote, “park and bark”?
Mercedes: No comment.
Brit-Brit’s final question: what song will the ladies be bestowing upon us today? They answer at the same time: “Defying Gravity.” Rachel says she and Kurt will be switching parts, but Mercedes says that doesn’t count as “reinventing a song,” but Rachel disagrees and suggests they handle this “the old-fashioned way.”
Mercedes: “A diva-off? Oh HELL TO THE YES.”
Cut to The Olive Garden, where Quinn has taken Biff to enjoy Lima’s number one silent killer: Alfredo-induced cardiac arrest.
Biff is yabbering about how rich people are better-looking than poor ones, because he’s an idiot.
Quinn: It means so much to me that you came back here. You know, it makes us feel so much more real.
Biff: Yeah, well, we are very real. I love you, Quinn. I want to really get to know you.
Quinn: Well, what do you want to know? I can tell you so many things, like that time that I saved this girl from dro-
Before Quinn can continue with her farcical tale, Biff spots her buddies at an adjacent booth and invites them over to enjoy a $9.95 Tour of Italy with the Inventor of Apples.
Santana: Hi. Santana Lopez. Word on the street is that you’re old money. I’m a lesbian but totally into that.
Mike: Mike Chang. Asian dancer.
Artie: And I’m Artie Abrams. I may look like a dweeb in a wheelchair, but my girlfriend’s a cheerleader.
Biff really wants to get the scoop on his Angel Queen, and her friends are eager to explicate.
Biff: So what about Quinn? How would you describe her in one sentence?
Mike: She’s constantly surprising you. Like, one year she showed up to school in the fall and decided she wanted to be a skank.
Santana: She died her hair pink. She got a Ryan Seacrest tattoo and then lit a purple piano on fire.
They haven’t even mentioned that time she had an actual HUMAN BABY and already Biff is bewildered, but Quinn insists that they’re just kidding! With Biff sent to the car to fetch her purse, Quinn tells her friends to STFU because she needs to get in with Biff’s “Philadelphia mainline family” and then she’ll be “set for life.” That would potentially look like this:
Me: grace can you photoshop Quinn into this picture?
Intern Grace: hahaha yes.
[five minutes later]
Intern Grace: How’s this? I’m very mad because there is a picture of quinn wearing chambray but she is pregnant :(
so now they look straight out of But I’m A Cheerleader
Snap to Sue’s office, where April Rhodes is explaining how she wants to save the Glee Club with her non-profit LLC. See, April Rhodes funds the existence of the auditorium, an arrangement which remains fuzzy at best in the recesses of my damaged mind. Therefore, she claims, it’s her choice what happens in the auditorium, and she choses GLEE CLUB!
Sue is skeptical.
Slam-bang back to Glee Club, where we launch into “Defying Gravity,” as performed by Rachel Berry, Mercedes Jones and Kristin Chenoweth JUST KIDDING even though K-Chen is right there, they once again involve Kurt Hummel in this number. I mean, he’s great! But KRISTIN CHENOWETH IS RIGHT THERE and he’s not part of the Diva-Off so WHAT GIVES.
Here’s the original:
At the song’s end, April exclaims “That song should be on the Broad-way!” Har.
The Glee Club members are supposed to vote on who’s the BEST but Sir William says they’re all winners and everyone should go home and “sleep on it.” Fake Quinn is like, okay I will sleep on that and also on my new dildo.
This episode reminded me of how much more alive the whole show felt when the original cast was still around. They had a lot of dud episodes, to be sure, and some spectacular failures, but it was rarely boring.
Starsweep to the great outdoors, where Brittany’s gotten the entire Chess Club to enroll in a live-action re-creation of the 1972 chess match between Bobby Fisher and somebody else. Santana interrupts to remind Brit-Brit that her true heart’s desire is not telling adolescents dressed in spandex where to walk and who to check but to dance dance dance!
Santana suggests they do a little dance number together but Brit-Brit refuses because “this is my life now.”
Sweep on back to Glee Club, where Rachel and Mercedes are delivering monologues about why they are the best and should win the Who’s The Best Contest. What about a Who’s The Worst contest? Huh? What about those of us who identify as The Worst?
Before the vote takes place, drunken socialite and overall badass April Rhodes shimmies up to the happy homos to inquire about their impending nuptials. Kurt and Blaine say they’re having a very long engagement and have yet to pick a date for the big day.
April Rhodes: “I’m so happy for you. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times: The one thing this country needs more of is teen marriage. I got you a wedding present.” [She gives them HOOCH because she is amazing.] It’ll help dull the excruciating pain of your wedding night sodomy and the inevitable divorce that you’re careening towards a couple months later.”
Next up, Private Puckerman wants to perform a hymnal from the open seas, but really who gives a crap, not us, because then PRAISE LESBIAN JESUS Santana pops in to stage a dancervention on Brit-Brit.
Thus Santana seduces us all into a rousing rendition of “Valerie,” which you may recall from some kind of geographically-based singing contest during The Season Lauren Zieses was in. Brit-Brit resists the urge to Shut Up and Dance but is swiftly seduced by the beating of her athletic heart.
It’s full of energy and perfection and offers New Puck and Mike Chang and Brit-Brit a chance to showcase their dancing chops. We don’t really get to see New Puck dance very much ’cause he doesn’t have a girl who can match him.
Plus — despite the fact that the choreography could’ve easily paired of Santana and Brit-Brit with the dancer boys, the sapphic twosome remain front and center! I appreciated that, and you will too:
Here’s the original:
Now Puck wants to do his number in the auditorium so everyone can sit in a circle and he can stare creepily at Quinn for the entire time. Here’s how that goes:
Here’s the original:
Quinn cries afterwards but says it’s not because of Puck, it’s because she had totally forgotten that that song ever existed and pretty soon she’ll forget everything. I think this means that Quinn has been smoking a lot of pot at Yale.
Puck: We all love you for who you are.
Quinn: And I’m in love with Biff.