Glee Episode 512 Recap: 100 Times Better Than Usual

Now it’s time for an episode of Fondue for Two, aka “When Keeping It Real Goes Right,” featuring Mercedes Jones and Rachel Berry!

And over here, we have Rachel Berry, who has a little-known erogenous zone right at the base of her tailbone.

And over here, we have Rachel Berry, who has a serious erogenous zone right at the base of her tailbone.

Brit-Brit launches right in to dishing  the dirt with Rachel, doing that thing Glee does now where it responds to fan critiques of the show’s radical disassociation from reality by lampshading instead of by fixing the actual show.

Brittany: You’re currently rehearsing for a lead role in a Broadway musical. You’re also working full time as a singing waitress at a diner and enrolled full time as a student at NYADA.
Rachel: That’s correct.
Brittany: Would you agree that it’s slightly irresponsible for you to leave New York for an entire week for no other reason than the Glee Club’s been canceled?
Rachel: No- I just-
Brittany: When are the lies going to stop? You don’t even live in New York. I’m not even sure you’ve been to New York.
Rachel: Brittany, we went to New York together.
Brittany: Don’t change the subject.
Rachel: Are your cats making out?
Brittany: Yes, they are.

They call it Pussy Love

They call it Pussy Love

Brittany hops over to Mercedes to wink/nod at her turn on Dancing With The Stars:

Brittany: Mercedes, how would you respond to the rumors that you’re a really good dancer-
Rachel: Baha.
Brittany: -but you hid the fact the entire time you were in Glee Club so Mr. Shue would allow you to, quote, “park and bark”?
Mercedes: No comment.

Two years ago she told me hoop earrings were *her* thing and I wasn’t allowed to wear them anymore!

Brit-Brit’s final question: what song will the ladies be bestowing upon us today? They answer at the same time: “Defying Gravity.” Rachel says she and Kurt will be switching parts, but Mercedes says that doesn’t count as “reinventing a song,” but Rachel disagrees and suggests they handle this “the old-fashioned way.”

Mercedes: “A diva-off? Oh HELL TO THE YES.”


Cut to The Olive Garden, where Quinn has taken Biff to enjoy Lima’s number one silent killer: Alfredo-induced cardiac arrest.

Quinn knew from the moment they sat down that she would win the staring contest, if it ever came to that.

Biff is yabbering about how rich people are better-looking than poor ones, because he’s an idiot.

Quinn: It means so much to me that you came back here. You know, it makes us feel so much more real.
Biff: Yeah, well, we are very real. I love you, Quinn. I want to really get to know you.
Quinn: Well, what do you want to know? I can tell you so many things, like that time that I saved this girl from dro-

Before Quinn can continue with her farcical tale, Biff spots her buddies at an adjacent booth and invites them over to enjoy a $9.95 Tour of Italy with the Inventor of Apples.

This is the hand I used to give your girlfriend her first vaginal orgasm

This is the hand I used to give your girlfriend her first vaginal orgasm

Santana: Hi. Santana Lopez. Word on the street is that you’re old money. I’m a lesbian but totally into that.
Mike: Mike Chang. Asian dancer.
Artie: And I’m Artie Abrams. I may look like a dweeb in a wheelchair, but my girlfriend’s a cheerleader.

Big fan of "Apples to Apples," pleased to meet you

Big fan of “Apples to Apples,” pleased to meet you

Biff really wants to get the scoop on his Angel Queen, and her friends are eager to explicate.

Biff: So what about Quinn? How would you describe her in one sentence?
Mike: She’s constantly surprising you. Like, one year she showed up to school in the fall and decided she wanted to be a skank.
Santana: She died her hair pink. She got a Ryan Seacrest tattoo and then lit a purple piano on fire.

They haven’t even mentioned that time she had an actual HUMAN BABY and already Biff is bewildered, but Quinn insists that they’re just kidding! With Biff sent to the car to fetch her purse, Quinn tells her friends to STFU because she needs to get in with Biff’s “Philadelphia mainline family” and then she’ll be “set for life.” That would potentially look like this:

Like this

This is what that might look like

Me: grace can you photoshop Quinn into this picture?
Intern Grace: hahaha yes.
[five minutes later]
Intern Grace: How’s this? I’m very mad because there is a picture of quinn wearing chambray but she is pregnant 🙁
so now they look straight out of But I’m A Cheerleader


Snap to Sue’s office, where April Rhodes is explaining how she wants to save the Glee Club with her non-profit LLC.  See, April Rhodes funds the existence of the auditorium, an arrangement which remains fuzzy at best in the recesses of my damaged mind. Therefore, she claims, it’s her choice what happens in the auditorium, and she choses GLEE CLUB!

FREEDOM FOREVER!

SUE FINALLY AGREED TO A THREESOME!!!!!

Sue is skeptical.


Slam-bang back to Glee Club, where we launch into “Defying Gravity,” as performed by Rachel Berry, Mercedes Jones and Kristin Chenoweth JUST KIDDING even though K-Chen is right there, they once again involve Kurt Hummel in this number. I mean, he’s great! But KRISTIN CHENOWETH IS RIGHT THERE and he’s not part of the Diva-Off so WHAT GIVES.

http://youtu.be/BSz7I3l7gMI

Here’s the original:

At the song’s end, April exclaims “That song should be on the Broad-way!” Har.

The children were full of cheer but Santana was in the back, praying for their sinful soals

The children were full of cheer but Santana remained silent in the back, praying for their sinful souls

The Glee Club members are supposed to vote on who’s the BEST but Sir William says they’re all winners and everyone should go home and “sleep on it.” Fake Quinn is like, okay I will sleep on that and also on my new dildo.

NOPE

NOPE

This episode reminded me of how much more alive the whole show felt when the original cast was still around. They had a lot of dud episodes, to be sure, and some spectacular failures, but it was rarely boring.


Starsweep to the great outdoors, where Brittany’s gotten the entire Chess Club to enroll in a live-action re-creation of the 1972 chess match between Bobby Fisher and somebody else. Santana interrupts to remind Brit-Brit that her true heart’s desire is not telling adolescents dressed in spandex where to walk and who to check but to dance dance dance!

It's not a spandex FETISH so much as it's a spandex APPRECIATION, Santana

It’s not a spandex FETISH so much as it’s a spandex APPRECIATION, Santana

Santana suggests they do a little dance number together but Brit-Brit refuses because “this is my life now.”


Sweep on back to Glee Club, where Rachel and Mercedes are delivering monologues about why they are the best and should win the Who’s The Best Contest. What about a Who’s The Worst contest? Huh? What about those of us who identify as The Worst?

I mean, I wrote "My Headband"! So, I rest my case.

I mean, I wrote “My Headband”! So, I rest my case.

Before the vote takes place, drunken socialite and overall badass April Rhodes shimmies up to the happy homos to inquire about their impending nuptials. Kurt and Blaine say they’re having a very long engagement and have yet to pick a date for the big day.

April Rhodes: “I’m so happy for you. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times: The one thing this country needs more of is teen marriage. I got you a wedding present.” [She gives them HOOCH because she is amazing.] It’ll help dull the excruciating pain of your wedding night sodomy and the inevitable divorce that you’re careening towards a couple months later.”

C'mon admit it, now that I've got this haircut you're already kinda fantasizing about being my twink

C’mon admit it, now that I’ve got this haircut you’re already kinda fantasizing about being my twink

Next up, Private Puckerman wants to perform a hymnal from the open seas, but really who gives a crap, not us, because then PRAISE LESBIAN JESUS Santana pops in to stage a dancervention on Brit-Brit.

Puck: you're boring and everyone hates you.

Puck, I’m sorry I laughed at you that time you got diarrhea at Barnes & Nobles. And I’m sorry for telling everyone about it. And I’m sorry for repeating it now.

Thus Santana seduces us all into a rousing rendition of “Valerie,” which you may recall from some kind of geographically-based singing contest during The Season Lauren Zieses was in. Brit-Brit resists the urge to Shut Up and Dance but is swiftly seduced by the beating of her athletic heart.

HAAAYYYY WE'RE HAVING FUN NOW BRITTANY DON'T YOU WANNA COME HAVE FUN WITH YOUR FAMILY LOOK HOW MUCH FUN WE'RE HAVING JAZZZZZ HANDS

HAAAYYYY WE’RE HAVING FUN NOW BRITTANY DON’T YOU WANNA COME HAVE FUN WITH YOUR FAMILY LOOK HOW MUCH FUN WE’RE HAVING JAZZZZZ HANDS

Someone stole my jumprope!

Someone stole my jumprope!

It’s full of energy and perfection and offers New Puck and Mike Chang and Brit-Brit a chance to showcase their dancing chops. We don’t really get to see New Puck dance very much ’cause he doesn’t have a girl who can match him.

FYI April's getting a flask out of her garter in the back there

FYI April’s getting a flask out of her garter in the back there

Is this where the baby was?

OOOOO I can totally feel where the baby used to live!

Plus — despite the fact that the choreography could’ve easily paired of Santana and Brit-Brit with the dancer boys, the sapphic twosome remain front and center! I appreciated that, and you will too:

http://youtu.be/hXraTtoqKXA

Here’s the original:

Now Puck wants to do his number in the auditorium so everyone can sit in a circle and he can stare creepily at Quinn for the entire time. Here’s how that goes:
http://youtu.be/_eadeFYTg8o

Here’s the original:

Quinn cries afterwards but says it’s not because of Puck, it’s because she had totally forgotten that that song ever existed and pretty soon she’ll forget everything. I think this means that Quinn has been smoking a lot of pot at Yale.

Look, I cried when Kara Thrace went missing too, it's nothing to be ashamed of.

Look, I cried when Kara Thrace went missing too, it’s nothing to be ashamed of. But I promise you, she’s coming back.

Puck: We all love you for who you are.
Quinn: And I’m in love with Biff.


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Riese is the 37-year-old CEO, CFO and Editor-in-Chief of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker, low-key Jewish power lesbian and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 2707 articles for us.

18 Comments

  1. But yeah, I nearly threw my laptop against the wall with the Quick kiss. CAN WE TALK ABOUT THE FACT THAT THEIR MEMORABLE MOMENT WAS NONCONSENSUAL??? Yeah, highlighting the deplorable state of your sex education, Glee. Good job. We need Ali to fix that shit.

    (Otherwise, I’m definitely going to watch this episode and weep at what could have been and the loss of what once was.)

  2. I had to stop reading the recap to frantically google Ellen and Portia because of that caption, and when I returned, I saw the next caption.

    I think from now on we all need to agree jokes about them may cause widespread heartbreak and rioting, and for the safety of us all those jokes must be banned.

  3. I never comment but I just want to mention that I LOVE THESE RECAPS and I have never missed a single one. Also I want to feel conflicted about the possibility of Brittana reuniting because of Santani (I thought I just made that up but Google says no), but I don’t. Oops.

  4. see, the great majesty of these recaps is how you can re-watch something seemingly boring like a rendition of “Happy,” and Grace and Riese can spot a hidden gem in the episode, like Ryder’s leap into the air.

    Or, how they totally save me the time to look up the original songs and still express a healthy does of “ugh” at Glee’s poor excuse of lampshading. I mean, I stopped my morning marathon of good/bad television just to read this recap, and it makes me feel SOOOOOOOO much better that I still watch Glee, even though it will never give me the Santani (we should use that term, or at least make a drink with the same name) sex scene that I dream of.

    Well, done, Riese and Grace.

  5. i loved loved loved Valerie! and i’m totally for the Brittana reunion, maybe they’ll go together to New York? (it’s never going to happen, is it?:( )
    also i would have preferred having as guest star Adele Dazeem (i’m never gonna stop laughing about this) instead of Gwyneth Paltrow.

    • They can’t really bring in Shelby for a cheerful visit since her character has a very complicated story with Quinn and Rachel.

      But it’s Glee. They pretty much ret-conned Beth anyways so they’d probably forget anyways.

  6. Oh god I am so anal over this and I apologize forever, but the wrong form of ‘dyed’ was used where Santana’s quoted as saying “She died her hair pink.”

    GREAT ARTICLE THOUGH! You save me the pain of having to watch this show by recapping all of the best Lesbian Lord and Saviour moments and for that I am eternally grateful.

  7. Every time the old cast comes back I just realize how much better they are than the new ones – singing, dancing (apart from New Puck, who can really move) and acting. I don’t know if the new kids aren’t really getting the chance to make an impact because they’re constantly overshadowed by the old guys who we already know and (maybe) love, or if they really just aren’t as engaging.

    Also, I just watched the original Defying Gravity – how young and little they all look, and how much higher their voices are! Kurt especially has traded in his superhigh voice for cheekbones.

  8. As an army brat, I should point out to Puck that in the military, you can and will go to prison for going AWOL, so I would think twice about “staying”.

    Also, I’m fed up with the writers always going back to the evil-Santana place, and I don’t remember her hitting that below the belt in the entire five seasons of Glee. What gives?

    • I hate the evil Santana place too. They always make her especially bad before they put her in her place. The last time she was this awful and mean was with Finn and then he outed her.

  9. I watched this entire episode instead of just watching Pezberry clips on tumblr. That is a testament to the fact that I am naive sucker. Brittana is going to ride off into the sunset – is this how they are writing Naya out?

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