We waddle back to Glee Club for the continuation of the Who’s The Best contest — but before votes are cast, Santana has some feelings to share:
Santana: Rachel Berry is the most horrible human being on the planet.
Santana: Can it, troll. You have sold half the people in this room down the river so that you can get a solo or a lead in a musical, and I’m pretty sure that you don’t know the name of the other half of the people in this room.
Rachel: That’s not true!
Santana: Okay, what is his name? [Points at Ryder Bieber-Strong]
Santana: Exactly, thank you.
Santana goes on to say that she hates sharing a bathroom with Rachel ’cause somebody leaves stubble in the sink and we all know it isn’t Kurt, and she says that Rachel didn’t really win prom queen, it was just that Quinn and Santana stuffed the ballot box. Rachel says Santana’s being really cruel just ’cause she feels bad that Rachel is SO much better than her. I feel really sad that this fight IS STILL HAPPENING.
Rachel escapes to the bathroom where her and Mercedes have a tender heart-to-heart about being bullied by Santana and feeling small and how they deal with those sad broken feelings of victimization when they are out in the big bad world doin’ it for themselves.
It’s a really tender and honest scene, but the reason the tears that well up in my eyes never fall out of my eyes is that Rachel was the one who chose to start the fight with Santana to begin with! She could’ve just been like, “yay! We’re gonna work together!” But undoubtedly, Santana has since executed an unrivaled series of increasingly low blows.
Back in Sue’s office, President Sylvester reveals that April Rhodes is actually broke as a joke and that the auditorium fund has been depleted because of…
Sue: “…Will Schuester’s profligate spending and his penchant for staging elaborate private bacchanalia replete with extravagant scenery and costumes not seen since the rein of Caligula. I have here a line-item budget of the jungle set you constructed onstage a few weeks back so the Glee Club could perform a Katy Perry song literally for just you.”
The reason this lampshading sucks is because that particular element of Glee Club has always been one of our few willing suspensions of disbelief, because if those productions had actually cost money, nothing about this entire show makes sense anymore! Anyhow, Sir William is furious that April wasn’t upfront about her financial situation and her ties to Bernie Madoff, and April feels bad and also drunk.
Meanwhile, out by the Schoolbus Storage Set, Quinn and Biff are battling about her Ryan Seacrest tattoo and her baby.
Biff: “I mean what happens if we got married and this kid shows up looking for money?”
Biff says where he comes from they carry their pasts with them, and that she walks around like Snow White but she’s really a “dirty little slutbag.” Yup, that’s actually what he said.
It’s finally time to vote in the Whocaresoff. New Puck can’t decide who to vote for because one of them is black and one is Jewish. But then Mercedes and Rachel show up and are like JK you don’t have to vote for us, it’s fine, we don’t want to be narcissistic bitches after all! Then William is like, well good news, the vote came out even anyhow! Yay!
April Rhodes shows up and says she’d like to apologize for giving them hope, like in Shawshank Redemption, and then not breaking them out of jail after all, but the good news is that now Holly Holiday is HERE! April and Holly are besties through facebook.
Holly’s got a new career doing pop-up teaching all over the world about shitty presidents who died and Pol Pot.
She’s so excited to be back in Glee Club but isn’t into Sir William’s lame-ass assignment to reinvent shit. Holly Holiday doesn’t wanna look in the rear-view mirror, she wants to move forward by doing a different song, namely “Happy” by Pharrell!
Me: Did you notice that Marley can dance? Wasn’t there a thing in one of the episodes about how she was a shitty dancer?
Forever Intern Grace: Yep, that was totally a thing
Me: In this episode she was like a profesh dancer. LIARS!
Forever Intern Grace: Actually watching the younger kids in these last few episodes has been hilarious because they are clearly not even being given any direction anymore.
Me: Do they just fuck around in the background now? They haven’t had any lines since Christmas.
Forever Intern Grace: Like when Bieber-Strong picked up a chair that one time. Just picked it right up and put it right down. I think it happened last episode. The best moments are when the whole group is cheering or clapping, that’s when you should watch Bieber-Strong.
Me: OH MY GOD HE JUST TOOK A FLYING LEAP IN THE BACKGROUND.
Cut to the hallowed locker room of McKinley High, where Puck and Quinn are gazing lustfully at Finn’s jersey, thinking about hanging out in the hot tub and the hot showers and all their hot bro and girlf time. Puck asks Quinn if he thinks Finn truly forgave them and Quinn insists that really their lying and cheating only served to save Finn from wasting any more time with Quinn when Rachel was his true soulmate. :-(
Puck says Quinn is his soulmate, and he was gonna ship off tomorrow to hang out with seamen like Logan Echols but he would TOTALLY stay if Quinn wanted him to, because she’s his soulmate, just saying. Quinn says that she’s bad news ’cause she’s so dishonest, but he insists that she always told HIM the truth, so.
Cut to another classroom, another heartspace, another life, another world. In this world, Santana is telling Brittany that she can’t just be a math monkey forever.
Santana: This is so not cool. Ok, they can’t just chain you to a calculator and keep you as their math monkey.
Brittany: Wait, do those actually exist?
Santana: You need to be having a life. You need to be out in the world, going to restaurants and concerts and dating.
Before we can talk about how Brittany dating anyone besides Santana is a bad idea, Brittany goes in for the kiss — for that familiar feeling, the one that feels like home. But Santana has Dani now, and before that Brittany broke her heart, and so she can’t — and so she pulls away and says “that’s a bad idea.”
But Brittany’s already decided where to put the weight of her whole heart. “It feels really good to be around you,” she says. “You make me feel like a girl again, like my body wakes up.”
“Please don’t do this,” Santana pleads. “Ok, I have worked my ass off to get over you!”
Brittany gets up, makes her case: “I really want to be with you, Santana. I’ve seen the world, and I’m sure now more than ever that I belong with you. And I’m sure your girlfriend’s… great. But you can’t recreate what you and I have. It’s your choice. If you want me, I’m here.”
But maybe the things that have changed about Brittany are the only things that even make this reunion plausible — because surely Santana has been comforted to date someone who knows leprechauns aren’t real, who has been places and seen things Santana hasn’t. But we’ve seen so little of Santana and Dani that it’s hard not to root for this familiar thing ourselves, too, this thing where we all can feel like girls again.
But alas, we then cut to the hallway, which Puck walks down for a little bit until predictably Quinn catches up with him and they make out in the hallway and she asks him to stay. Did they have an actual connection? I thought they just liked having sex with each other.
Cut to the auditorium, where Sir William has hung photographs of Finn Hudson and Lilian Adler and is really sad. “I don’t have any more pep talks,” says Sir William, and then KEEPS TALKING. He says singing together was the best thing ever, he wants to thank them for being so talented, and he thinks that they are all children under one rainbow of the earth family.
Mike says that without Finn or Glee Club it seems like nothing lasts, which is true. For example: white wine, condoms, summer camp best friends, hummus, helium in balloons and novelty Tumblrs.
Up in the rafters, Holly Holiday and April Rhodes are getting drunk together. “Holly Holiday,” says April Rhodes and her pantsuit. “we are gonna save that Glee Club.”
Next week, the old class is gonna be in it AGAIN! Here’s a video about how much you love Glee: