Glee Episode 512 Recap: 100 Times Better Than Usual

We waddle back to Glee Club for the continuation of the Who’s The Best contest — but before votes are cast, Santana has some feelings to share:

Santana: Rachel Berry is the most horrible human being on the planet.
Rachel: What?
Santana: Can it, troll. You have sold half the people in this room down the river so that you can get a solo or a lead in a musical, and I’m pretty sure that you don’t know the name of the other half of the people in this room.
Rachel: That’s not true!
Santana: Okay, what is his name? [Points at Ryder Bieber-Strong]
Rachel: Rick?
Santana: Exactly, thank you.

She keeps saying she ALSO slept with Quinn and I'm just like, look Ray-Ray, picutres or it didn't happen

I mean, Rachel keeps saying she ALSO slept with Quinn and I’m just like, look Ray-Ray, picutres or it didn’t happen

Santana goes on to say that she hates sharing a bathroom with Rachel ’cause somebody leaves stubble in the sink and we all know it isn’t Kurt, and she says that Rachel didn’t really win prom queen, it was just that Quinn and Santana stuffed the ballot box. Rachel says Santana’s being really cruel just ’cause she feels bad that Rachel is SO much better than her. I feel really sad that this fight IS STILL HAPPENING.


Rachel escapes to the bathroom where her and Mercedes have a tender heart-to-heart about being bullied by Santana and feeling small and how they deal with those sad broken feelings of victimization when they are out in the big bad world doin’ it for themselves.

Fuck the day after the first night you go to second base together is so awkward

Let’s both stand here and pretend like we can’t hear that girl taking a messy dump in the last stall

It’s a really tender and honest scene, but the reason the tears that well up in my eyes never fall out of my eyes is that Rachel was the one who chose to start the fight with Santana to begin with! She could’ve just been like, “yay! We’re gonna work together!” But undoubtedly, Santana has since executed an unrivaled series of increasingly low blows.

It's just that I always thought Ellen and Portia would be together forever!

It’s just that I always thought Ellen and Portia would be together forever!

Don't EVER believe what you see in the tabloids about Ellen and Portia, Rachel. NOT EVER.

Oh Rachel, you should know better than anyone not to believe what you read in the tabloids about Ellen and Portia.

I'm so glad we had this talk

I’m so glad we had this talk


Back in Sue’s office, President Sylvester reveals that April Rhodes is actually broke as a joke and that the auditorium fund has been depleted because of…

Sue: “…Will Schuester’s profligate spending and his penchant for staging elaborate private bacchanalia replete with extravagant scenery and costumes not seen since the rein of Caligula. I have here a line-item budget of the jungle set you constructed onstage a few weeks back so the Glee Club could perform a Katy Perry song literally for just you.”

LAMPSHADING! FUN!

Look, just watch the YouTube video of me with Sarah Horn at the Hollywood Bowl and I think you'll change your mind about taking the auditorium away from Glee Club

Look, just watch the YouTube video of me with Sarah Horn at the Hollywood Bowl and I think you’ll change your mind about taking the auditorium away from Glee Club

The reason this lampshading sucks is because that particular element of Glee Club has always been one of our few willing suspensions of disbelief, because if those productions had actually cost money, nothing about this entire show makes sense anymore! Anyhow, Sir William is furious that April wasn’t upfront about her financial situation and her ties to Bernie Madoff, and April feels bad and also drunk.


Meanwhile, out by the Schoolbus Storage Set, Quinn and Biff are battling about her Ryan Seacrest tattoo and her baby.

Biff: “I mean what happens if we got married and this kid shows up looking for money?”

Look, I'm really good at planting drugs on babies, I've got this shit on lock

Look, I’m really good at planting drugs on babies, I’ve got this shit on lock

Biff says where he comes from they carry their pasts with them, and that she walks around like Snow White but she’s really a “dirty little slutbag.” Yup, that’s actually what he said.

You PROMISED to stop wearing Axe Body Spray

You PROMISED to stop wearing Axe Body Spray and now you’ve stunk up my designer fashions!


It’s finally time to vote in the Whocaresoff. New Puck can’t decide who to vote for because one of them is black and one is Jewish. But then Mercedes and Rachel show up and are like JK you don’t have to vote for us, it’s fine, we don’t want to be narcissistic bitches after all! Then William is like, well good news, the vote came out even anyhow! Yay!

Look, Rachel promised that tonight she'll go down on ME if I just call off the vote, so everybody stop writing

Look, Rachel promised that tonight she’ll go down on ME if I just call off the vote, so everybody stop writing, we’re calling it off.

April Rhodes shows up and says she’d like to apologize for giving them hope, like in Shawshank Redemption, and then not breaking them out of jail after all, but the good news is that now Holly Holiday is HERE! April and Holly are besties through facebook.

Is that a banana in your pocket or

Is that a banana in your pocket or

Holly’s got a new career doing pop-up teaching all over the world about shitty presidents who died and Pol Pot.

Now which one of you little chitlins has seen "Shakespeare in Love?"

Now which one of you little chickadees has seen “Shakespeare in Love?”

She’s so excited to be back in Glee Club but isn’t into Sir William’s lame-ass assignment to reinvent shit. Holly Holiday doesn’t wanna look in the rear-view mirror, she wants to move forward by doing a different song, namely “Happy” by Pharrell!

Witness:

http://youtu.be/Ov-R1Lbshhw

Me: Did you notice that Marley can dance? Wasn’t there a thing in one of the episodes about how she was a shitty dancer?
Forever Intern Grace: Yep, that was totally a thing
Me: In this episode she was like a profesh dancer. LIARS!
Forever Intern Grace: Actually watching the younger kids in these last few episodes has been hilarious because they are clearly not even being given any direction anymore.
Me: Do they just fuck around in the background now? They haven’t had any lines since Christmas.
Forever Intern Grace: Like when Bieber-Strong picked up a chair that one time. Just picked it right up and put it right down. I think it happened last episode. The best moments are when the whole group is cheering or clapping, that’s when you should watch Bieber-Strong.
Me: OH MY GOD HE JUST TOOK A FLYING LEAP IN THE BACKGROUND.

Deodorant check!

Deodorant check!

GUYS I CAN HOLD THIS ROOF UP FOR MAYBE 30 SECONDS MORE RUN FOR YOUR LIVES

GUYS I CAN HOLD THIS ROOF UP FOR MAYBE 30 SECONDS MORE RUN FOR YOUR LIVES

GO TEAM GAY

We saved the world!


Cut to the hallowed locker room of McKinley High, where Puck and Quinn are gazing lustfully at Finn’s jersey, thinking about hanging out in the hot tub and the hot showers and all their hot bro and girlf time. Puck asks Quinn if he thinks Finn truly forgave them and Quinn insists that really their lying and cheating only served to save Finn from wasting any more time with Quinn when Rachel was his true soulmate. 🙁

durrrrrrrr

durrrrrrrr

Puck says Quinn is his soulmate, and he was gonna ship off tomorrow to hang out with seamen like Logan Echols but he would TOTALLY stay if Quinn wanted him to, because she’s his soulmate, just saying. Quinn says that she’s bad news ’cause she’s so dishonest, but he insists that she always told HIM the truth, so.


Cut to another classroom, another heartspace, another life, another world. In this world, Santana is telling Brittany that she can’t just be a math monkey forever.

Yeah, seriously, it's every Sunday on Autostraddle.com, you should check it out. I mean there are words on the page but I just go for the pictures.

Yeah, seriously, it’s every Sunday on Autostraddle.com, you should check it out. I mean there are words on the page but I just go for the pictures.

Santana: This is so not cool. Ok, they can’t just chain you to a calculator and keep you as their math monkey.
Brittany: Wait, do those actually exist?

Google says yes

Google says yes

Santana: You need to be having a life. You need to be out in the world, going to restaurants and concerts and dating.

Before we can talk about how Brittany dating anyone besides Santana is a bad idea, Brittany goes in for the kiss — for that familiar feeling, the one that feels like home. But Santana has Dani now, and before that Brittany broke her heart, and so she can’t — and so she pulls away and says “that’s a bad idea.”

Your cherry chapstick is DELICIOUS!

Your cherry chapstick is DELICIOUS!

But Brittany’s already decided where to put the weight of her whole heart. “It feels really good to be around you,” she says. “You make me feel like a girl again, like my body wakes up.”

“Please don’t do this,” Santana pleads. “Ok, I have worked my ass off to get over you!”

Brittany gets up, makes her case: “I really want to be with you, Santana. I’ve seen the world, and I’m sure now more than ever that I belong with you. And I’m sure your girlfriend’s… great. But you can’t recreate what you and I have. It’s your choice. If you want me, I’m here.”

Quiero lamberte hasta que te vengas en mi boca mil veces

Quiero lamerte hasta que te vengas en mi boca mil veces

But maybe the things that have changed about Brittany are the only things that even make this reunion plausible — because surely Santana has been comforted to date someone who knows leprechauns aren’t real, who has been places and seen things Santana hasn’t. But we’ve seen so little of Santana and Dani that it’s hard not to root for this familiar thing ourselves, too, this thing where we all can feel like girls again.


 

But alas, we then cut to the hallway, which Puck walks down for a little bit until predictably Quinn catches up with him and they make out in the hallway and she asks him to stay. Did they have an actual connection? I thought they just liked having sex with each other.

Oh sorry I thought you were Sue Sylvester

Oh sorry I thought you were Sue Sylvester


Cut to the auditorium, where Sir William has hung photographs of Finn Hudson and Lilian Adler and is really sad.  “I don’t have any more pep talks,” says Sir William, and then KEEPS TALKING. He says singing together was the best thing ever, he wants to thank them for being so talented, and he thinks that they are all children under one rainbow of the earth family.

How do you think my hair looks in this light. Be honest.

How do you think my hair looks in this light. Be honest.

Mike says that without Finn or Glee Club it seems like nothing lasts, which is true. For example: white wine, condoms, summer camp best friends, hummus, helium in balloons and novelty Tumblrs.

Up in the rafters, Holly Holiday and April Rhodes are getting drunk together. “Holly Holiday,” says April Rhodes and her pantsuit. “we are gonna save that Glee Club.”

Oh come ON I would take Almaden over Franzia any day of the week

And then I’m gonna save you from a lifetime of heterosexual monotony with that guy from Coldplay


Next week, the old class is gonna be in it AGAIN! Here’s a video about how much you love Glee:

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Riese is the 37-year-old CEO, CFO and Editor-in-Chief of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker, low-key Jewish power lesbian and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 2672 articles for us.

18 Comments

  1. But yeah, I nearly threw my laptop against the wall with the Quick kiss. CAN WE TALK ABOUT THE FACT THAT THEIR MEMORABLE MOMENT WAS NONCONSENSUAL??? Yeah, highlighting the deplorable state of your sex education, Glee. Good job. We need Ali to fix that shit.

    (Otherwise, I’m definitely going to watch this episode and weep at what could have been and the loss of what once was.)

  2. I had to stop reading the recap to frantically google Ellen and Portia because of that caption, and when I returned, I saw the next caption.

    I think from now on we all need to agree jokes about them may cause widespread heartbreak and rioting, and for the safety of us all those jokes must be banned.

  3. I never comment but I just want to mention that I LOVE THESE RECAPS and I have never missed a single one. Also I want to feel conflicted about the possibility of Brittana reuniting because of Santani (I thought I just made that up but Google says no), but I don’t. Oops.

  4. see, the great majesty of these recaps is how you can re-watch something seemingly boring like a rendition of “Happy,” and Grace and Riese can spot a hidden gem in the episode, like Ryder’s leap into the air.

    Or, how they totally save me the time to look up the original songs and still express a healthy does of “ugh” at Glee’s poor excuse of lampshading. I mean, I stopped my morning marathon of good/bad television just to read this recap, and it makes me feel SOOOOOOOO much better that I still watch Glee, even though it will never give me the Santani (we should use that term, or at least make a drink with the same name) sex scene that I dream of.

    Well, done, Riese and Grace.

  5. i loved loved loved Valerie! and i’m totally for the Brittana reunion, maybe they’ll go together to New York? (it’s never going to happen, is it?:( )
    also i would have preferred having as guest star Adele Dazeem (i’m never gonna stop laughing about this) instead of Gwyneth Paltrow.

    • They can’t really bring in Shelby for a cheerful visit since her character has a very complicated story with Quinn and Rachel.

      But it’s Glee. They pretty much ret-conned Beth anyways so they’d probably forget anyways.

  6. Oh god I am so anal over this and I apologize forever, but the wrong form of ‘dyed’ was used where Santana’s quoted as saying “She died her hair pink.”

    GREAT ARTICLE THOUGH! You save me the pain of having to watch this show by recapping all of the best Lesbian Lord and Saviour moments and for that I am eternally grateful.

  7. Every time the old cast comes back I just realize how much better they are than the new ones – singing, dancing (apart from New Puck, who can really move) and acting. I don’t know if the new kids aren’t really getting the chance to make an impact because they’re constantly overshadowed by the old guys who we already know and (maybe) love, or if they really just aren’t as engaging.

    Also, I just watched the original Defying Gravity – how young and little they all look, and how much higher their voices are! Kurt especially has traded in his superhigh voice for cheekbones.

  8. As an army brat, I should point out to Puck that in the military, you can and will go to prison for going AWOL, so I would think twice about “staying”.

    Also, I’m fed up with the writers always going back to the evil-Santana place, and I don’t remember her hitting that below the belt in the entire five seasons of Glee. What gives?

    • I hate the evil Santana place too. They always make her especially bad before they put her in her place. The last time she was this awful and mean was with Finn and then he outed her.

  9. I watched this entire episode instead of just watching Pezberry clips on tumblr. That is a testament to the fact that I am naive sucker. Brittana is going to ride off into the sunset – is this how they are writing Naya out?

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