Glee Episode 507 Recap: Puppet Masterpiece Theater Should Girl It Up Maybe

Sue then barrels into the Glee Club room, where Sir William’s dancing around like somebody I didn’t infect with E Coli three hours ago. As per Ryan Murphy’s Law, Sue is well aware that when a woman needs a thing — even when that thing is getting in touch with the softer side of Sears— the best thing to do is to ask a man for help.

Please please i beg of you stop wearing Axe body spray, you're already married, it's just not necessary

Please please I beg of you stop wearing so much Axe body spray, you’re already married, it’s just not necessary

Sue: “You’re an oddly feminine man.”
Will: “What?”
Sue: “Oh please you just literally did a pirouette.”
Will: “Sue, just because a guy can dance doesn’t make him effeminate.”
Sue: “That’s what I’m saying. When you dance, somehow, you’re able to maintain your manliness. Here’s the thing: um, I happen to have a sizeable crush on the handsomest man in the universe. Superintendent Bob Harris. I’ve had multiple conversations with him. In fact, several days ago, I was quite certain he was flirting with me. But it turns out, all this time, he thought I was a man. I blame the Johnny Cash song, “A Boy Named Sue.”

Will explains to Sue that Ginger Rogers was “the pinnacle of femininity” and did everything Fred Astaire did, except backwards in heels, and yet “managed to find a way to be feminine and strong.” Therefore Sue should have no trouble being both strong and feminine. EUREKA! Yup, shit’s getting real wild with these combos, what’s next? Pretzels stuffed with peanut butter? Books with pages in them? Children with mouths and ears? Movies with comedy and tragedy?

Come on don't I look at least a LITTLE bit like The Joker from Batman?

Come on don’t I look at least a LITTLE bit like The Joker from Batman?

Will says he’ll teach Sue to be a strong feminine lady if she ponies up for the Glee Club’s trip to nationals, but she refuses ’cause they spent so much money on the Lady Gaga airbag. I guess her job now is to say what we’re all thinking. But backwards, in sneakers.

Yeah, yeah, I guess you're right, the giant cat was at least a departure from her prior performances

You know, come to think of it, I don’t remember ever removing that Diva Cup

Then the Glee Club laughing gas chimes in, and we transition to a black and white fantasy dance number starring Will and Sue Sylvester.

http://youtu.be/VGXT2tLrx90

Then Sue wakes up because it was all just a dream and Becky needs a mini-fridge. There’s obviously nothing wrong with wanting to look feminine, I do it every day and love makeup


Cut to the hallowed hallways, where New Santana tells New Puck that she’s pregnant and that he’s gotta take her to the doctor.

How many times do I have to tell you that my clam waits for no man?

I told you I’m only sleeping with girls now!

Later that day or week or hour, Blaine Anderson breaks into Sue’s office to snatch his puppet and/or snag it, bag it and tag it, but Sue catches him puppet-handed, and demands he kindly remove his fist from Puppet Hummel’s butt. Then Sue condemns him to a week of detention, which’ll get in the way of his big trip to New York for Kurt’s first gig.

Sue: “Well then you’re gonna have to cancel Wonder Woman’s invisible jet, or whatever magic discount bullet train you kids use for your weekly jaunts to New York.”

Okay really, having Sue point this shit out will never taste as good as THIS SHIT NEVER HAPPENING IN THE FIRST PLACE.

Too late I already super-glued his thorax to my knuckles

Too late I already super-glued his thorax to my knuckles


We then pick up some bargain space-suits at Ross, hijack the Battlestar Galactica, and immediately command Gaeta to jump to New York, New York, where Kurt’s on the phone with Blaine. Kurt wants to know if Blaine’s on his way from the airport, but Blaine’s like oh whoops yeah I’m totes at The Cracker Barrel right now eating my feelings in cinnamon apples and gooey macaroni and cheese because Sue caught me stealing my puppet back.

I don't know Kurt I just have this weird panicky feeling that I left the curling iron on

I just have this weird panicky feeling that I left the curling iron on

Apparently, Blaine decided it’d be easier on Kurt’s feelings to skip his flight and then wait ’til two minutes before the show to inform Kurt that he won’t be making it than it would be to inform him as soon as he knew he’d be absent. Kurt asks if Blaine sees him as a thing made out of felt with button-eyes instead of a flesh-and-blood human with bones having a really big night because now Kurt is a muppet again.

Glee507-00279

So I know it’s easy being green, but what’s it like to be blue? Easy/hard? Scale of 1-10?

Rachel creeps backstage, Kurt says they can un-reserve Blaine’s seat, and Rachel says that won’t be necessary ’cause nobody’s at the show.

Look I'm sorry I just couldn't get them to look like real cat-ears so I decided to re-purpose them as a necklace.

I’m sorry I just couldn’t get them to look like real cat-ears so I made them into a necklace.

It’s a Thursday night though so to be fair all their potential fans are probs at home waiting for Scandal to come on, except for one single solitary old man who’s shown up with his Angela Lansbury box-set.

Seriously, we skipped Babeland's Oral Sex 104 workshop for this?

We skipped Babeland’s Cunnilingus 104 workshop for this?


We then slip on some too-skinny Jordaches and our favorite shiniest newest cowboy boots and mount a band of Wild Horses (like in the Rolling Stones song “Wild Horses”) and gallop all the way back to Lima, Ohio, where Sue has summoned Unique to teach Sue how to be more “feminine” because whatever this show.

Sue: “When a woman of my stature needs a makeover, she rings up all her best gays, but unfortunately, Porcelain The Sassy Toothless Elf is in New York, so G-d’s most fabulous mistake, I turn to you. I want to look more like a lady.”
Unique: “Girl, I have already pulled out my makeup kit — I got you, boo.”

Who's ready for airport security? This girl!

Who’s ready for airport security? This girl!

The levels upon which this is problematic are as follows:

  • Conflation of trans* women and gay men
  • Sue Sylvester, strong womanbeast, is so into this guy that she’s willing to get a makeover to please him
  • Sue Sylvester, who once married herself, is so into this guy that she doesn’t realize any guy who she has to get a makeover for isn’t worth her time
  • Unique should barter with this bitch! For example, perhaps in exchange for a makeover, Sue could let Unique use the motherfucking bathroom
  • Plays into the trope of trans* women being more obsessed with makeup than cis women(“In other words, the media’s and audience’s fascination with the feminization of trans women is a by-product of their sexualization of all women.” – Julia Serano, Whipping Girl)
  • SUE IS ALREADY WEARING MAKEUP!
  • Every time I’m forced to use the term “problematic” in a Glee recap, my eyeballs roll back and fall out of my head
  • Santana and Dani aren’t having lesbian sex in this scene

Cut to detention starring Blaine, Becky and New Puck. This scene is chock-full of Breakfast Club references, much to my delight. Remember that really awesome episode of Dawson’s Creek that played off of The Breakfast Club? I miss Dawson’s Creek.

everyone in this picture is judging me

everyone in this picture is judging me

Blaine suggests to his fellow inmates that they take this opportunity to bond, which I imagine will involve eating yogurt, talking about chicks in the Niagara Falls area, making lamps, smoking pot, breaking windows, humping a statue, putting out cigarettes on their arms and eating my shorts.

quote

You taped Larry Lester’s buns together?

Then everybody turns into a muppet and begins sharing their feelings by quoting members of The Breakfast Club. Blaine feels terible about missing Kurt’s show, but the muppet versions of Becky and New Puck are very supportive:

Blaine: “Maybe the fact that I can only really feel like myself with friends I can totally control is keeping me from really feeling like I’m close to anyone, maybe it’s indicative of a deeper intimacy issue.”
New Puck Muppet: “Or maybe everyone should just wise up and start doing everything you say because you are so right on all the time!”

Okay now Becky, you tell New Puck how it makes you feel when he doesn't wanna pick up the kids from soccer practice

Okay now Becky, you tell New Puck how it makes you feel when he doesn’t wanna pick up the kids from soccer practice

New Puck’s gotta jet early to accompany New Santana to abortion avenue, but good news: she got her period and he’s off the hook, thus dashing my fantasy of a riotous dance number in Planned Parenthood featuring lots of overworked super-nice nurses, teenagers with yeast infections and a bunch of bored boyfriends. Have I told you lately that I love Planned Parenthood, because I do.

NOPE.

NOPE. NO FETUS. SORRY. NOPE. NO FETUS HERE.

ALSO THOUGH: No girl would tell her hookup that she was pregnant until she took an actual g-ddamn pregnancy test. Instead, she’d say ‘my period is late, I might be pregnant.” Then she’d go buy a motherfucking pregnancy test and make sure she was in fact actually pregnant before signing up for a doctor’s appointment. New Puck’s totally relieved, and she’s suddenly pissed because why anything.

New Santana: “Let me hit you with the blunt instrument of reality, Puckerman. You’re still you, a douchey playboy who’s gonna spend the rest of his life dealing with one mess after another as long as he lives. One of these days, you are gonna knock someone up, and I feel bad for whoever has to have a child that shares your DNA.”
New Puck: “Hey, I’m gonna make a great father one day.”
New Santana: “To who, your seven kids by seven different women? Not unless you change.”

New Santana then asks New Puck to stay away from her because he’s toxic.

Probs the same facial expression I use throughout the rest of the episode would work here, right?

Probs the same facial expression I use throughout the rest of the episode would work here, right?

If hearing the word “toxic” made you wish you were watching the Britney Spears music video for “Toxic,” good news, I have it right here for you:


Later in the hallowed hallways of McKinley High, Sue’s wearing a nice pantsuit and a J-Law haircut and The Watchers love everything and want her to be McKinley principal forever.

If you wanna see me do this backwards in heels, however, I'm accepting donations via my Paypal account

If you wanna see me do this backwards in heels, however, I’m accepting donations via my Paypal account

Then she asks Ted Beneke on a date and he’s like hell no, I don’t want Walter White up my ass again, stay away from me. 🙁


Back in The Auditorium of Broken Dreams, Blaine’s talking to a Tina puppet and also to himself, but Tina quickly catches him with his fist up her ass, and proceeds to inform him that the Glee kids stuck their hollow melons together and managed to summon compassion for their hapless pocket gay’s mental unraveling. They’ve decided he can do lead on one song and choose whatever arrangement he believes to be best.

Gimme forty junior mintssssss!!!!!

Gimme forty junior mintssssss!!!!!


Elsewhere in the hallowed hallways, New Puck tells Marley-Kate that he misses her every second of every day and that he needs her to make him a better person. She goes rogue against the Glee Misison Statement / Ryan Murphy’s Law, declaring “I’m not here to fix you, Jake.” And she doesn’t even like him any more SO THERE.

Look, I promise I'll stop facebook-sharing stupid Buzzfeed lists about things only dudebrodouchebagss understand if you just gimme another chance

Look, I promise I’ll stop facebook-sharing stupid Buzzfeed lists about things only douchebags understand if you just gimme another chance


We then zip ourselves into spandex bodysuits with little ear-holes and work together as a team to build a cross-country zip line, thus enabling us to skyrocket all the way from Lima to New York, New York, where Adam Lambert, Santana and Rachel are determining the fate of Hamela Shamsbury following their depressing gig at Callbacks.

Okay so this is Outfit Option #1, and I think Quinn will really like it because she thinks I look super-naughty in above-the-knee socks.

Okay so this is Outfit Option #1, and I think Quinn will really like it because she thinks I look super-naughty in above-the-knee socks.

Kurt then strolls in to announce they’ll be playing their second gig at the Williamsburg Music Hall! Apparently, the one dude who showed up to their first gig had a swell time and passed the bootleg on to his nephew, who undoubtedly was like “oh lord help me another fucking tape from Uncle Randolph.”

Holy moly I've never seen anybody spin straw into gold in real life!

Holy Guacamole you really are a Christmas elf!

This of course is silly and would never happen, but I really hope Stef is working the door for their first gig so she can live-tweet it for us. Anyhoo, this meeting of the minds (sans Demi Lovato, again) is interrupted by a delivery from Blaine — it’s a large box!

Uh, I got a sex swing here, name on the package is "Santana Lopez"?

Uh, I got a sex swing here, name on the package is “Santana Lopez”?

No you cannot use my sex swing, Hummel

No you cannot use my sex swing, Hummel, I don’t care how much sex toy cleaner you have in your back pocket

What could be inside it?

pretty-little-liars-dolls-480x360

Oh whoops sorry, wrong show. It’s muppets!

Wishes they'd rented more mikes

all my favorite things in one screncap

Slightly further west, Blaine apologizes to the Glee Club and apologizes for being so toppy and commits to being a Bossy Bottom from now on. In celebration of this event, he’s purchased muppets so that the entire Glee Club can freely enjoy bossing around their very own bottoms.

please be saltwater taffy please be saltwater taffy

please be saltwater taffy please be saltwater taffy

Thus we segue into this episode’s rousing closing number, a song I thank the Blessed Lord above to have never heard before promos for this episode launched last week and a song which is now stuck in my head, I think, for the rest of my tender life on this small planet.

sorry it's just that this is the closest the writers would let me get to eating pussy

this is the closest the writers would let me get to eating pussy

Here you go, it’s on video:

http://youtu.be/FALPMw8jqL0

The End!


Next week on Glee, aka December 5th, we’ll have a Christmas special! This means there are two events I’m already dreading for December 5th: 1. Glee, 2. Jury Duty. Everybody pray to lesbian Jesus tonight that I won’t get picked for Jury Duty, okay?

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Riese is the 37-year-old CEO, CFO and Editor-in-Chief of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker, low-key Jewish power lesbian and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

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29 Comments

  1. Cunnilingus 104 – like, there’s a 101, 102, 103 course? Hmm. Do you think this will be an online course someday? I do have something like 20+ years of experience, but it seems like there’s more I could be learning, here.

  2. I haven’t commented in a while because the show hasn’t moved me too, but I really liked this episode.

    The Bree storyline is a bit (WAY REDUNDANT AND CLICHE), but I support the actress (she’s black and went to an Ivy League school and so did I so support yay!) and they’re inching her in the way they did Naya and she’s not so bad and can dance and has a decent voice and decent zingers.

    Jake/Bree/Marley Janet Jackson performance was the best dance performance ALL SEASON.

    And the focus on the NYers (arguably the only reason I still watch the show) was good. I live for all of their scenes.

    So all in all I didn’t hate this episode. I even liked Sue and Unique having a moment.

    I did hate the puppets. That was annoying. I’m also the only person in the world who isn’t a fan of Blaine at all. I just find him corny. I can’t be anymore specific than that.

    Also Demi/Naya… zero chemistry. Had to be said.

  3. “It isn’t, but nobody cares because Gender Trouble is really dense and hard to get through” lol

    i have never watched glee (maybe once) but i really, really love muppets. maybe i’ll finally cave. maybe this episode will be my Glee Root.

  4. “Then New Puck enters the Twilight Zone for a rousing rendition of the Janet Jackson classic Nasty/Rhythm Nation, and it’s actually really fucking cool and good and I’m not sure why New Santana has a new personality this episode but whatever I like her better than Marley-Paste that’s for sure.”

    TEHEHE

  5. so i know she’s beloved around these parts but at what point can we start to question jane lynch’s involvement with this foolishness?

    i know the “party down” movie isn’t really in the works quite yet but she doesn’t need this show (does she?).

    her character ranges from bafflingly inconsistent to downright heinous. she fluctuates between being the incredulous fourth wall shattering voice of the audience and a homophobic, sexist, child abuser.

    shouldn’t she have some influence over her character and the show at this point?

  6. I missed this week’s episode while I was playing cards with my family on Thanksgiving

    and this re-cap makes me glad I missed all this ridiculousness!

    (but I’ll probably still watch it because for some reason I’m still committed to this show?)

  7. Riese, just dropping in to say that I really enjoyed the recap (as always) and especially the Warehouse 13 references. Please continue to speculate as to the artifact which causes all the poor boys and girls of McKinley High to constantly break out into song and dance. (My guess is that Schuester’s hair gel was first used in the original Broadway production of West Side Story.)

  8. I just really like that they’ve given up on storylines. “Let’s have a cheerleader get knocked up by a Puckerman!” “Didn’t we already do that with the whole Quinn/Puck thing?” “NAH! It’ll be fiiiiiiine, just you wait and see.”

    UGH.

  9. After this episode I think it’s safe to say that Blaine is a gentleman in the streets and a freak in the sheets. He ws so into his little Kurt puppet and I don’t even know what was going on with that Tina puppet. For the sake of their upcoming nuptials I hope Kurt is open to experimentation (involving puppets) 😉

  10. I live in the UK, where glee is screened a week later, I use your awesome and hilarious review to decide whether I’m going to bother watching or not…and to ponder what in the 7 hells a junior mint is? I’m torn, I’m a sucker for a muppet, but the lack of Dantana action coupled with casual sexism yet again is off putting.

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