Hello nubile maidens and allies! Welcome to the fourth episode of the fifth season of Glee, a reality show in which Paris Hilton searches for a new BFF in the wild jungles of Disneyland, accompanied by The Snow Queen, a talking lobster, ten baby chickens and a band of rowdy youths who can’t shut their yaps. This week’s episode was a particularly probing investigation into issues including global warming, anal fisting, regular fisting, fingering, drop-waist sweatpants, tiny erasers, nectarines, ear infections and Jessie Spano. Furthermore — much like my girlfriend, this episode was so gay you could see it from space!
I imagine this episode was constructed in approximately two hours by a bunch of high-as-kites homosexual men who’d spent the day sipping cucumber martinis poolside at somebody’s undoubtedly palatial West Hollywood home. You know, the kind from the movies with big windows. Alternately, this episode was just a gay guy playing with his Barbies, the television equivalent of a Buzzfeed list, or a tribute concert to Autostraddle 2009.
This show has always been camp, but even camp can get banally tacky sometimes, and this episode definitely toed that line (which isn’t as exiting as toeing a vagina, I imagine). This week was my gay boyfriend Adam Lambert‘s debut on the program, which delighted the cockles of my surly soul, but despite Glambert’s cameo, the entire “Katy or Gaga?” premise of this episode was so fundamentally flawed and so clearly commercially motivated that it was hopeless from the start. But it wasn’t too bad, all in all.
Anyhow ARE YOU READY FOR SOME RECAP?
We open in the Glee room, where the children are sporting unfortunate blouses and Sir William arrives bearing an envelope containing the TOP-SECRET LIST of New Directions’ competitors at the upcoming National Worldwide All-Star Champion Celebration Campership Competition of Song. When Sir William announces that they’ll be going head-to-head with “Throat Explosion,” Tina unleashes a scream of horror and despair, which is hard to hear over my own scream of horror/despair that they’re calling this team “Throat Explosion.”
“Their budgets for costume, makeup, hair alone are astronomical,” Blaine explains, expositing that this avant garde team of edgy supergroup outsider motherfuckers with apparent latex kinks has put in 10,000+ hours of showchoir rehearsal because of something Malcolm Gladwell said once.
This news strikes fear in everybody’s tenderheart, because how on earth will New Directions’ scrappy, dollar-store performances ever compete with Throat Explosion’s big-budget blockbuster productions?
As we’ve been told-but-not-shown repeatedly, the New Directions are perpetually impoverished, and thus my imagination runs wild thinking of what Throat Explosion might be able to accomplish with an actual budget. I mean, they could install rain machines in their auditorium and also Gwyneth Paltrow!
They could snag a $3,000 light screen for just one little run-through of Nowadays / Hot Honey Rag!
They could hire circus performers and pyrotechnics professionals and shoot tender young Cheerleaders out of giant cannons and manufacture bras with fire-shooting nipples!
They could perform an entire song in a goddamn swimming pool with a magical catwalk!
They could re-create the $7 million dollar Michael Jackson/Janet Jackson music video for “Scream”!
They could create Lady Gaga costumes inspired by the bajillion-dollar high-fashion costumes often sported by Lady Gaga!
They could purchase a $45,000 SUV just to destroy it onstage, because it goes with the theme!
WHAT ON EARTH WILL THESE CHILDREN DO? Sell taffy? Sell their souls? Throw rock salt into the eyeballs of the lead singer of Throat Explosion? Well, Tina’s already on high panic alert.
Tina: “They’re total outsiders and misfits, which used to be our niche. We can’t compete with Throat Explosion any more at that level because we lost our biggest Gaga when Kurt graduated last year. Look around, we’re a room full of like, Katy Perrys now.”
It’s true, now that Santana and Brit-Brit have flown the coop, we’re stuck with a bunch of ladies for whom kissing a girl is only a thing they do if their boyfriend don’t mind it.
Sir William disagrees with Tina’s assessment — he considers the children a “potent mix” of “ambi-edge” weirdos and “wholesome, innocent, romantic, All-Americans,” which I gather is supposed to be a description of Lady Gaga and Katy Perry, respectively, but unfortunately is not, because Katy Perry is a sex riot and Lady Gaga is more deliberate these days than she seems. Katy just wears brighter colors.
SO, ANYHOW, WHAT WILL THEY DO TO FACE OFF AGAINST THE SUPER-RICH THROAT EXPLOSION? Ah yes, they’ll attempt to re-create songs performed by super-rich recording artists who always put on super-expensive performances!
Sir William: “This week the Katys will get their Gaga on and the Gagas will bring the Katy.”
If the children are unable to get on board with this week’s contrivance, they don’t have “a chance in hell” of winning Nationals.
We then wrap ourselves in duct tape, dip our heads in buckets of Fun Dip, put on some sneakers and jog all the way to New York, New York, where Rachel is inexplicably still employed at Fake Eileen’s Stardust Diner, despite the fact that she’d be pulling in at least $2,500 a week (before taxes) while in rehearsals for Funny Girl, which, by the way, would gobble up so much of her time that it’s amazing she’s even making it to school. Also, Kurt’s starting a band and wants everybody to join it!
Luckily we’re able to snag a last-minute flight on the Glee Teleporter all the way back to Lima, Ohio, home to the Learning to Care With Care School, where Sam and Nurse Petty are continuing their tedious and irrelevant romance.
They banter about musical darksides and tattoos and electopunk and THANK LESBIAN JESUS also True Jackson VP but also I don’t care, so.
Elsewhere in the hallowed hallways of McKinley High, Artie’s bitching about the assignment because it means he won’t be able to duet with his lady-love Fake Quinn, who says of this week’s lesson, “I’m pretty sure he makes up these rando lessons the split second before he writes them on the board.”
With a heavy hand, Artie asks, “are you still okay with dating someone so different than you?” and Fake Quinn sticks her tongue down his throat, which is Cheerio for “yes.”
We then hop back in time, borrow some mopeds from three 13-year-old boys I knew in middle school, hop back to the present tense, put on our bicycle helmets and night-vision goggles, and travel back to New York, New York, where Santana, Kurt and Dani are holding auditions for their “indie rock band,” The Gayest Band Ever.
Unfortunately for those of us who enjoy a good audition montage, nobody’s leaping at the chance to audition for the esteemed spot of Vocalist #4 in what I hope is an a capella “indie rock band” because the only instrument I’ve ever seen Santana play is Brit-Brit’s clitoral hood and Kurt’s usually to busy gyrating to manhandle a glockenspiel. Furthermore, they’re unable to settle on a name — Santana votes for the Apocalipsticks, Kurt votes for waiting for him to manifest an idea, and I vote for Uh Huh Her & Her & Him.
Yet all hope is not lost! There is one person signed up to audition for The Gayest Band Ever, one lonely human named “Starchild” out there in the wilds ready to take a chance on a half-baked idea! But who is this Starchild? Will it be Alex Owens, as played by Jennifer Beals in the legendary film Flashdance?
Will it be this girl?
Will it be Crazy Eyes?
Will it be Missy Pantone?
Will it be Anna Kendrick and a cup?
Will it be this guy?
Nope, it will be none other than my gay boyfriend Adam Lambert, who calls himself “Starchild” because Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars or something.
If you’re new to the site, you might be unaware that for most of 2009, all we wrote about was Lady Gaga and Adam Lambert. It was a special time, and our entertainment coverage was primarily determined by what Alex could watch on television without needing a nap.
Adam Lambert: I did design and sew this costume myself.
Kurt: It’s a little Project Runway. Season Six.
Basically he’s the Glitterbombed Monopoly Guy, but he kills it while Dani sexily plays her instrument in the background with mysterious band members nobody talks to. There’s also a moment where Dani looks at Santana like oh my g-d he’s so fucking good isn’t he and it’s so hot, as is this entire performance, especially how excited Santana is to have that talent on her team.
Santana and Dani are into it, but Kurt’s not so sure / is obviously jealous.
Kurt: “Your aesthetic is striking, Starchild. But it’s a little outre for the team that I’m assembling. But if you’re willing to tone down your look, maybe I’d reconsider.”
Kurt is officially meaner than Simon Cowell.
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ummm.. What about all talk of “no pressure” (read as SOOO MUCH PRESSURE) during the Marley and New Puck scene? Was I the only one who thought it was particularly painful? Sending some real mixed messages about sexual assault Glee.
Also why do they insist of painting Artie as essentially asexual when we know him to be otherwise? He and Unique are wearing more clothes than anyone else.
In other news, thank you for validating my sole focus during the lead up to Roar –> Tina’s incredible ass.
I can’t believe i missed this =/
I checked out of Glee years ago so I’m just here for our gay boyfriend Adam Lambert.
Also Riese, obvs. <3 The captions on the pics are giving me life.
“YOU, MY FRIEND, ARE THE ONLY REASON I’M NOT A FULL-TIME MISANDRIST”
lolololololol I’m done.
Why is Lambert here. Why.
Now I have the urge to watch this show after dropping it-
Oh. That’s why.
Clever, Murphs, but wait, here I have a well written piece of entertainment that provides me with both Lambert AND witty comments and imagery that doesn’t insult me to the core of my humanity, unlike Glee.
I kind of wish they would give up on Lima and just have the show in New York.
After five seasons of recaps I still haven’t learned: do NOT read this on a train surrounded by sad and serious people. I died.
oh my god I am crying with laughter I don’t even watch glee (and this recap makes me glad that I don’t but also makes me want to get high and watch some)
DON’T. THAT’S HOW IT STARTS.
I won’t lie, 50% of why I read this is because of all the fun little ways you come up with to travel between places. Seriously, how have you not repeated yourself yet?!
Also, it’s official. Tina has the best legs and ass on the show. I can’t thank you enough for pointing that one out.
Not looking forward to next week. Sigh.
yes by season six i think i’m going to be totally out of transporation methods but crossing my fingers that there will always be new kinds of shoes to explore!
I think they missed a real opportunity here when they didn’t name the band Areola 51. Something for everybody!
DEAR RYAN MURPHY,
I’M WRITING IN ALL CAPS SO YOU CAN SEE ME THROUGH YOUR GLITTER-FUSED MIMOSA GOGGLES: CANCEL MCKINLEY HIGH. NO ONE GIVES ONE GAY FUCK ABOUT THOSE KIDS. CANCEL IT.
FOCUS ON GLEE NYC. YES, THAT’S RIGHT, I JUST GAVE YOU THE NAME OF THE NEW SHOW: GLEE NYC.
FOCUS ON SANTANA, DEMI LOVATO, RACHEL, CURT AND ADAM LAMBERT. FOCUS ON YOUNG NEW, FRESH TALENT. GET UP AND COMING POP STARS ON THAT SHIT. PEOPLE WILL WATCH. FUCK, MOST LATIN@S WILL WATCH FOR JUST SANTANA AND DEMI.
STOP EVERYTHING ELSE. GLEE NYC 4 LYFE.
DON’T WASTE THEIR TALENT. DON’T FOCUS ON YOUR EGO. ONLY: GLEE NYC.
SAY IT WITH ME, GLEE NYC, GLEE NYC.
Part of me is seriously considering watching Glee again because Pamela Landsbury (?!??) or more accurately the humans in Pamela Landsbury singing together are all I’ve ever wanted out of television.
Then I remembered that this is Glee and that the band’s existence will be forgotten within two episodes.
Hilarious recap as always, Riese!
Naya Rivera and Adam Lambert and Demi Lovato and Chris Colfer in the same scene was perfection.
Adam looked particularly beautiful in this episode <3
Is Glee/anyone going to address the fact that if she is in fact the “school” nurse, she would most definitely lose her job for dating someone going to that high school. Yet no one seems to care that they are canoodling IN SCHOOL! Just saying.
Yes , yes and omg yes to the Miranda July story that I read and loved and read to my ex and she was like “shrug” and then I broke up with her.
Is it just me or is Will crazy-passive-aggressive all the time now? I feel like he’s always getting angry and then trying to teach Lessons.
Also: can someone explain to me the junior mint running joke?
Do a very little homework and you will come across the correct offer at the proper price.
There’s going to be great food, Squatters, and a raffle of some
amazing prizes that you don’t want to miss out on. The dirndl costume features a fitted bodice which is usually worn with a blouse, a long skirt, petticoat and an apron complementing the overall look.
Flea shampoo only last one day and kills only the adults that are on the German shepherd.
My advice is to find a marketing system that will allow you
to do this and leverage the system to build your business.
Your prospect must see you as someone that can lead them to financial freedom.