Glee Episode 504 Recap: Stop Trying To Make “A Gaga or A Katy?” Happen

Hello nubile maidens and allies! Welcome to the fourth episode of the fifth season of Glee, a reality show in which Paris Hilton searches for a new BFF in the wild jungles of Disneyland, accompanied by The Snow Queen, a talking lobster, ten baby chickens and a band of rowdy youths who can’t shut their yaps. This week’s episode was a particularly probing investigation into issues including global warming, anal fisting, regular fisting, fingering, drop-waist sweatpants, tiny erasers, nectarines, ear infections and Jessie Spano. Furthermore — much like my girlfriend, this episode was so gay you could see it from space!

hey bra is this the way to fire island

hey brah is this the way to fire island

I imagine this episode was constructed in approximately two hours by a bunch of high-as-kites homosexual men who’d spent the day sipping cucumber martinis poolside at somebody’s undoubtedly palatial West Hollywood home. You know, the kind from the movies with big windows. Alternately, this episode was just a gay guy playing with his Barbies, the television equivalent of a Buzzfeed list, or a tribute concert to Autostraddle 2009.

This show has always been camp, but even camp can get banally tacky sometimes, and this episode definitely toed that line (which isn’t as exiting as toeing a vagina, I imagine). This week was my gay boyfriend Adam Lambert‘s debut on the program, which delighted the cockles of my surly soul, but despite Glambert’s cameo, the entire “Katy or Gaga?” premise of this episode was so fundamentally flawed and so clearly commercially motivated that it was hopeless from the start. But it wasn’t too bad, all in all.

Anyhow ARE YOU READY FOR SOME RECAP?


We open in the Glee room, where the children are sporting unfortunate blouses and Sir William arrives bearing an envelope containing the TOP-SECRET LIST of New Directions’ competitors at the upcoming National Worldwide All-Star Champion Celebration Campership Competition of Song. When Sir William announces that they’ll be going head-to-head with “Throat Explosion,” Tina unleashes a scream of horror and despair, which is hard to hear over my own scream of horror/despair that they’re calling this team “Throat Explosion.”

toss me some junior mints, bitches!!!!

toss me some junior mints, bitches!!!!

“Their budgets for costume, makeup, hair alone are astronomical,” Blaine explains, expositing that this avant garde team of edgy supergroup outsider motherfuckers with apparent latex kinks has put in 10,000+ hours of showchoir rehearsal because of something Malcolm Gladwell said once.

hehehheheheh we just hacked the gleeonfox youtube channel to show nothing but klaine fanvids all day xoxo anonymous throat explosion

hehehheheheh we just hacked the gleeonfox youtube channel to show nothing but sharmen fanvids all day xoxo anonymous throat explosion

This news strikes fear in everybody’s tenderheart, because how on earth will New Directions’ scrappy, dollar-store performances ever compete with Throat Explosion’s big-budget blockbuster productions?

just one little pinky in the butthole and you've got yourself a prostate orgasm, kurt loves it

just one little pinky in the butthole and you’ve got yourself a prostate orgasm. kurt loves it, trust me, fellas.

As we’ve been told-but-not-shown repeatedly, the New Directions are perpetually impoverished, and thus my imagination runs wild thinking of what Throat Explosion might be able to accomplish with an actual budget. I mean, they could install rain machines in their auditorium and also Gwyneth Paltrow!

just like splash mountain, only gayer

just like splash mountain, only gayer

They could snag a $3,000 light screen for just one little run-through of Nowadays / Hot Honey Rag!

Nowadayshothoneyrag

Secret Platinum Protection, ladies and gentlemen!

They could hire circus performers and pyrotechnics professionals and shoot tender young Cheerleaders out of giant cannons and manufacture bras with fire-shooting nipples!

rings-of-fire

Cirque D’SoGay

They could perform an entire song in a goddamn swimming pool with a magical catwalk!

maxresdefault

and we double-fist our girlfriends!!

They could re-create the $7 million dollar Michael Jackson/Janet Jackson music video for “Scream”!

5e-having-never-seen-the-original-video-this-seemed-really-unnecessary

They could create Lady Gaga costumes inspired by the bajillion-dollar high-fashion costumes often sported by Lady Gaga!

Badromance5

just think about how many plush toys they had to buy for this

They could purchase a $45,000 SUV just to destroy it onstage, because it goes with the theme!

Ep_3_bust_your_windows_3

which one of you bitches is gonna wash my car already seriously

WHAT ON EARTH WILL THESE CHILDREN DO? Sell taffy? Sell their souls? Throw rock salt into the eyeballs of the lead singer of Throat Explosion? Well, Tina’s already on high panic alert.

Tina: “They’re total outsiders and misfits, which used to be our niche. We can’t compete with Throat Explosion any more at that level because we lost our biggest Gaga when Kurt graduated last year. Look around, we’re a room full of like, Katy Perrys now.”

It’s true, now that Santana and Brit-Brit have flown the coop, we’re stuck with a bunch of ladies for whom kissing a girl is only a thing they do if their boyfriend don’t mind it.

and if she gets up, we'll all get up! it'll be anarchy!

and – and! – even after the government shutdown, the GOP is still trying to find new ways to usurp obamacare?

Sir William disagrees with Tina’s assessment — he considers the children a “potent mix” of “ambi-edge” weirdos and “wholesome, innocent, romantic, All-Americans,” which I gather is supposed to be a description of Lady Gaga and Katy Perry, respectively, but unfortunately is not, because Katy Perry is a sex riot and Lady Gaga is more deliberate these days than she seems. Katy just wears brighter colors.

NOPE

NOPE

SO, ANYHOW, WHAT WILL THEY DO TO FACE OFF AGAINST THE SUPER-RICH THROAT EXPLOSION? Ah yes, they’ll attempt to re-create songs performed by super-rich recording artists who always put on super-expensive performances!

Sir William: “This week the Katys will get their Gaga on and the Gagas will bring the Katy.”

If the children are unable to get on board with this week’s contrivance, they don’t have “a chance in hell” of winning Nationals.

who wants to demonstrate how to fist the statue of liberty

who wants to demonstrate how to fist the statue of liberty


We then wrap ourselves in duct tape, dip our heads in buckets of Fun Dip, put on some sneakers and jog all the way to New York, New York, where Rachel is inexplicably still employed at Fake Eileen’s Stardust Diner, despite the fact that she’d be pulling in at least $2,500 a week (before taxes) while in rehearsals for Funny Girl, which, by the way, would gobble up so much of her time that it’s amazing she’s even making it to school. Also, Kurt’s starting a band and wants everybody to join it!

who me? why yes i'd love to shoot fire from my nipples in your band!

who me? why yes i’d love to shoot fire from my nipples in your band!


Luckily we’re able to snag a last-minute flight on the Glee Teleporter all the way back to Lima, Ohio, home to the Learning to Care With Care School, where Sam and Nurse Petty are continuing their tedious and irrelevant romance.

you know brittany really liked it when i sorta cupped her boobs from the underside and jiggled them around like this

you know brittany really liked it when i sorta cupped her boobs from the underside and jiggled them around like this

They banter about musical darksides and tattoos and electopunk and THANK LESBIAN JESUS also True Jackson VP but also I don’t care, so.

Elsewhere in the hallowed hallways of McKinley High, Artie’s bitching about the assignment because it means he won’t be able to duet with his lady-love Fake Quinn, who says of this week’s lesson, “I’m pretty sure he makes up these rando lessons the split second before he writes them on the board.”

fuck i wish that yellow hat had come in yesterday so he could be dressed in full The Man in the Yellow hat regalia right now

fuck i wish that yellow hat had come in yesterday so he could be dressed in full “The Man in the Yellow hat” regalia right now, i love me some curious george roleplay

With a heavy hand, Artie asks, “are you still okay with dating someone so different than you?” and Fake Quinn sticks her tongue down his throat, which is Cheerio for “yes.”


We then hop back in time, borrow some mopeds from three 13-year-old boys I knew in middle school, hop back to the present tense, put on our bicycle helmets and night-vision goggles, and travel back to New York, New York, where Santana, Kurt and Dani are holding auditions for their “indie rock band,” The Gayest Band Ever.

i'm sorry but in what universe is this a large enough hoagie

i’m sorry but in what universe is this a large enough size for a meatball hoagie?

Unfortunately for those of us who enjoy a good audition montage, nobody’s leaping at the chance to audition for the esteemed spot of Vocalist #4 in what I hope is an a capella “indie rock band” because the only instrument I’ve ever seen Santana play is Brit-Brit’s clitoral hood and Kurt’s usually to busy gyrating to manhandle a glockenspiel. Furthermore, they’re unable to settle on a name — Santana votes for the Apocalipsticks, Kurt votes for waiting for him to manifest an idea, and I vote for Uh Huh Her & Her & Him.

nbd just holding out for a hero

nbd just holding out for a hero

Yet all hope is not lost! There is one person signed up to audition for The Gayest Band Ever, one lonely human named “Starchild” out there in the wilds ready to take a chance on a half-baked idea! But who is this Starchild? Will it be Alex Owens, as played by Jennifer Beals in the legendary film Flashdance?

caption

i will kill you with my thighs!

Will it be this girl?

i'm jumping for jesus

i’m jumping for jesus!

Will it be Crazy Eyes?

take these pebbles from my hand, grasshopper

take these pebbles from my hand, grasshopper. sooner rather than later this is a hard position to maintain

Will it be Missy Pantone?

yes, i will fuck you gently with a chainsaw, thanks for asking

yes, i will fuck you gently with a chainsaw, thanks for asking

Will it be Anna Kendrick and a cup?

cips

1 girl 1 cup

Will it be this guy?

yes, i am one of the ten lords-a-leaping

yes, i am one of the ten lords-a-leaping

Nope, it will be none other than my gay boyfriend Adam Lambert, who calls himself “Starchild” because Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars or something.

hello children, i'm here to rock your world

hello children, i’m here to rock your world

If you’re new to the site, you might be unaware that for most of 2009, all we wrote about was Lady Gaga and Adam Lambert. It was a special time, and our entertainment coverage was primarily determined by what Alex could watch on television without needing a nap.

Adam Lambert: I did design and sew this costume myself.
Kurt: It’s a little Project Runway. Season Six.

Basically he’s the Glitterbombed Monopoly Guy, but he kills it while Dani sexily plays her instrument in the background with mysterious band members nobody talks to. There’s also a moment where Dani looks at Santana like oh my g-d he’s so fucking good isn’t he and it’s so hot, as is this entire performance, especially how excited Santana is to have that talent on her team.

http://youtu.be/YaJ3FLqCEQk

Santana and Dani are into it, but Kurt’s not so sure / is obviously jealous.

c'mere and let santana squeeze your little cheecks

you, my friend, are the only reason i’m not a full-time misandrist

Kurt: “Your aesthetic is striking, Starchild. But it’s a little outre for the team that I’m assembling. But if you’re willing to tone down your look, maybe I’d reconsider.”

Kurt is officially meaner than Simon Cowell.


We then strap sponges to our feet, plait our hair, throw on some jockstraps and gallop on back to Lima, Ohio, home to the Lima Memorial Hospital Heliport, where Sue’s wearing a cage on her face and New Santana has wrapped herself in hazard tape, a la Telephone.

look it was laundry day, okay? I had to be creative

look it was laundry day, okay? I had to get creative

Sue: “This practice of referring to oneself as a Katy or a Gaga — the Glee club will be doing this the entire week?”
New Santana: “Super annoying, right?”
Sue: “It is the most annoying thing they’ve ever done.”

SO WHY ARE THEY DOING IT?????

look without this cage you'd all be subjected to my throat explosion, okay?

ommmmmmm

Elsewhere in McKinley High, Marley-Kate is gay. She wants to hit up Breadsticks, then catch a Julie Andrews tribute at the Lima Limelight with New Puck, but New Puck is sick of this boring old “music/movie/dinner” thing and wants to do the horizontal mambo.

please get your wet finger out of my ear

please get your wet finger out of my ear

New Puck laments that Marley-Kate is SUCH A KATY. Is everybody forgetting that Katy Perry was married to Russel Brand for a significant period of time. Where are we.

Katy_Perry_Esquire_topless

New Puck is excited to see Marley-Kate in a bra made out of raw meat or whatever.


Cut to the Auditorium, where Sam’s telling Team Innocent Katy Trying To Be Team Dark Edgy Gaga about his scary, weird and controversial concepts for this groundbreaking performance. (Does anybody else think it’s problematic that all the people of color are on Team Dark Edgy Gaga Trying To Be Team Innocent Katy?)

dude i'm telling you right now, just one thumb in the perenium

dude i’m telling you right now, just one thumb in the butthole and she’ll squirt us all the way to sea world

Marley-Kate suggests sparklers indoors, and Ryder Bieber-Strong suggests confetti shaped like skulls and I suggest both of them get lost in space. Sam points out that Nurse Petty and all of McKinley High will be present for their performance and therefore they must really get wild.

ehmegerd i just wet my pants and it felt so relaxing!

ehmegerd i just peed my pants!!!!!!

Sam assures his young charges that he’ll be recruiting some “little monsters” to promote their show!

that will probably look like this

that will probably look like this

Cut to Sam begging Becky to help promote his show. Becky thinks Katy Perry is the governor of Texas, because Becky is the best. She’ll promote his show anyhow though.

little did becky know she was about to get a wet willie from a wild young boy

little did becky know she was about to get a wedgie from a crazy teenager who keeps all his school supplies in one binder


We then take a series of overpriced cabs and crowded shuttles to the Newark airport, wait in line for two hours at security, get felt up by a dykey stranger and squeeze into tiny uncomfortable seats in a terrifying enclosed space where we timidly eat our six peanuts while soaring cross-country to the Bushwick Barbie Dreamhouse Loft in New York, New York, where Rachel’s wondering why Kurt’s unwilling to share the “lavender limelight” with Lavender Lambert. Kurt insists that it’s not about sharing the limelight, duh, because if Kurt just wanted to shine all by himself, he’d take his one-man band to The Duplex and do a tribute to Broadway Divas which, let’s be real, is totally something that Kurt would do.

this blazer is ugly kurt and everybody knows it but you

this blazer is ugly kurt and everybody knows it but you

Kurt insists Starchild’s look is “too edgy” and will therefore seal the fringe fate of the Gayest Band Ever. Kurt doesn’t wanna be weird anymore, he just wants to be mainstream, like the HRC, and get a song on the radio, and be as successful and adored as Broadway’s Rachel Berry and Santana of Yeast-i-Stat. Rather than take the logical step of auditioning to be a hemorrhoid cream spokesmodel or hitting up background dancer auditions for Mama Mia!, Kurt’s going Mainstream by launching a band filled with homos.

Kurt: “Rachel, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be that thing that everyone likes, that thing everyone wants to see and hear that doesn’t offend or challenge anyone.”

should i order the goat cheese omelet or the bowl of seasonal fresh fruit?

should i order the goat cheese omelet or the bowl of seasonal fresh fruit? god brunch is so stressful

Rachel, clearly frustrated that Kurt has neglected Glee‘s most brutally beaten horse, Just Be Yourself, insists that Kurt’s brand is more specific and unique and he’s gotta blaze his own trail, like the Boy Scouts or, you know, Adam Lambert.

Rachel: “Your brand it’s gonna be huge! You are a true talent, Kurt.”

Aww.


We then stuff our cold toes into a hot pair of moon boots, wrap our arms in Ace Bandages and march in a single-file line all the way back to Lima, Ohio, the birthplace of Phyllis Diller, where Marley-Kate and New Puck are once again making thrilling weekend plans.

look i loved those books as much as you did, marley, but i just don't think it's smart to see 'catching fire' on a school night

look i’m just saying i’d rather not spend $25 to see dan savage answer advice questions on a stage, i mean i listen to his podcast sometimes out of habit but i generally find his ideas really problematic and therefore don’t want to put more money in his white cis gay male pockets, you know? respect.

Marley-Kate wants to get John Mayer tickets and New Puck would rather die in a fire, sorry I was confusing me with New Puck. New Puck is actually okay with John Mayer tickets, because J-May and New Puck are both acoustic douchebags. New Puck also says okay to New Santana when she confronts him in the hall 30 seconds later to ask for his help choreographing a thing for the Cheerios, which is part of her plan to unravel the Glee Club as per Sue’s instructions.

oh hm i never noticed his goddess necklace before, he really is my perfect man

oh hm i never noticed that goddess necklace before, he really is my perfect man

Meanwhile, in one of McKinley High’s super-intellectual classrooms, a thrilling lesson on Ohio is interrupted by a promotional video! Somehow Sam hacks into the computers of every McKinley High student and proceeds to mind control them with a promo video for their 3:30 “Applause” performance. It’s so fucking weird that it instantly becomes perfect and awesome.

seriously the new york cast is just so much better

seriously the new york cast is just so much better

but if you don't NOT like showchoirs, turn this back on

there’s an “extreme couponing” marathon on TLC that you’d probably enjoy much more

especially if you're my dentist, because i stole this mask from you and i don't want to give it back

especially if you’re my dentist, because i stole this mask from you and i don’t want to give it back

not a problem

not a problem

Unfortunately Nurse Petty tells Sam she’s not gonna make it ’cause she’s got a hot date at Claire’s getting her ear pierced, but then Sam suggests they get pierced together that weekend so Nurse Petty can still catch the big show. Phew.

oh my good lord what is in that cup?!!!

oh my good lord what is in that cup?!!!


Cut to Team Dark Edgy Gaga Trying To Be Team Innocent Katy proposing the best ideas The New Directions have ever had — specifically, Unique would like to re-enact a baby’s birth on stage. Can somebody fucking sing a song about placenta already? Or do a musical rendition of The Business of Being Born? Or have lesbian sex?

and then i come in with five pairs of scissors from the a-camp craft bin and saw away at that umbilical cord until it becomes 15 tiny umbilical cords which will then become 15 tiny babies which will all be gay and then take over the world!

and then i come in with five pairs of scissors from the a-camp craft bin and saw away at that umbilical cord until it becomes 15 tiny umbilical cords which will then become 15 tiny babies which will all be gay and then take over the world!

New Puck’s napping on the piano but then he dips out to hit up the Cheerios, much to the intense disapproval of Unique and Fake Quinn, who should be in charge of Glee Club from now on.

jazz hands!

jazz hands?

Unique immediately calls Marley-Kate to warn her that her manchild New Puck is heading down a rocky road towards Infidelity Land, led into temptation by New Santana.

Unique: “That girl is poison. She is whack like crack, a penis flytrap, Marley, she will chew him up, hashtag PREACH.”

Unique says Marley-Kate’s only hope to keep her boyfriend is to go “full Gaga,” because that makes sense. Marley insists that New Puck is gonna love the real her or not love her at all.

and you need to stop texting him pictures of your cats dressed up like vegetables

and you need to stop texting him pictures of your cats dressed up like vegetables, that shit is not cute

Snap to the McKinley High School auditorium, where Becky’s still in Gaga regalia and demanding entertainment. Unfortunately Sam’s magical show commercial failed to recruit the masses to their 3:30 performance, or else nobody hired any extras this week.

take your top off!

take your top off!

Turns out Sam’s big crazy original plan was to… dress everybody up exactly like the music video for Applause? Blaine, who will soon aptly describe his outfit as, “I look like Siegfried AND Roy,” looks like Eric Northman Season One smashed in a blender with Liberace and Boy George’s Really Unfortunate Fashion Period. Artie’s strapped a giant airbag to his back, Sam’s about to migrate south for the winter and Ryder Bieber-Strong has absolutely no idea why the caged bird sings or how to put on lipstick.

me want junior mints!!!!

me want junior mints!!!!

dude i'm in the portal, just waiting for you to fucking skyrocket me to storybrooke already

hey uh, is this the portal to storybrook

this makeup is giving me hives

this makeup is giving me hives

i will eat you my pretty

i will eat you my pretty

taaaekkkeee meeeee to storybroooookkkk

pop me a junior mint and take me to storybrook before i fall down this thing and land on my ass

Mid-performance, Marley skips on in dressed like a the victim of an unexpectedly soft-core Model Mayhem shoot with a predatory amateur photographer OH WAIT NO she’s dressed up as Katy Perry, the girl-next-door!

yeast-i-stat worked for me!

yeast-i-stat worked for me!

Also, I just noticed Blaine’s wearing a dildo on his ass.

where the fuck is the placenta

where the fuck is the placenta in this pathetic knock-off

Here’s the whole enchilada:

http://youtu.be/7u3TKFPKPgQ

The audience is horrified by Marley-Kate’s decision to dress up like Prince Lolly when everybody knows the assignment was to dress like Lord Licorice.  Marley-Kate says that she is who she is and she’s not gonna change that for anybody, so Sir William suspends her? Because that’s what you do when a girl in recovery from an eating disorder refuses to wear a seashell bra in front of the whole school / nobody.

my eyes are up here, schuster

my eyes are up here, schuster

I’d like to have some smart feminist commentary on this situation but as aforementioned, this dichotomy is so fundamentally flawed that there’s really nothing to say but this:

fetch


Back in the Glee Room, Team Dark Edgy Gaga Trying To Be Team Innocent Katy’s having a crisis because Unique tried breaking into the zoo to steal tigers only to discover Lima doesn’t actually have a zoo. But Lima is so close to Toledo and she could just ride the tiger home, I don’t know why nobody thought of the Toledo Zoo. I’m always thinking of the Toledo Zoo.

NOPE.

NOPE.

However, Unique points out, she was able to track down a tiger costume! It appears she accomplished this by breaking into Rum Tug Tugger’s dressing room.

rum tum tugger

Jake is “really not okay with this,” because he looks “like a Gay Thundercat.” Tina points out that people love Katy’s music because it is so “real” and “girl-next-door.” I guess Tina must live next door to a girl who spends a lot of time feeling like a plastic bag drifting through the wind wanting to start again.

Tina: “We need to strip it down. No costumes, no special effects, no gimmicks. Just the music.”

just one hand all the way in like this

and for the finale, i’d like to completely open the hand that’s already inside her, while my other arm, adorned in a spiked metal torture device, just lightly tickles her vaginal opening.


We then call our Amish friends and take a horse and buggy all the way to Fake Eileen’s Stardust Diner in New York, New York, where Kurt’s greeting his new one-top with a speech worthy of a 10% tip. But this isn’t any ‘ol one-top, it’s STARFOXCHILDWONDER, aka Elliot.

let me remove these real quick and show you what superman can do

let me remove these real quick and show you what superman can do

Elliot explains that he needs to be in Kurt’s band because he came all the way to New York from New Jersey Land of Malls to be a star in New York City! Also, “join an indie band” is on his bucket list, along with, I imagine, stealing a tiger from the Bronx Zoo, shopping at Dillard’s, buying and losing at least 35 umbrellas and having a mouse crawl on his face while he sleeps.

so, have you ever heard the term "monogamish"?

so, have you ever heard the term “monogamish”?

Kurt noticeably softens when Elliot admits he’s going to NYU because Fake Julliard rejected his gorgeous mug. Kurt’s gonna fall in love with Adam Lambert but it’s okay, it happens to all of us.

haha eheheh no not cheating we were just comparing shoe sizes

haha eheheh no not cheating we were just comparing shoe sizes

Alas, before the Kelliot ship can take off, Santana swings by to tell Kurt to stop flirting ’cause he’s engaged and besides his break is over and he’s gotta sit his ass up. Then Santana is like hot damn, it’s Autostraddle’s gay boyfriend! I hope he’s gonna be in our band! BEST BAND EVER.


Over the woods and through the river back to Lima, Ohio, we go, where Sam knows the way to carry the sleigh through the thick and juicy snow! Once again, Sam’s creeping on Nurse Petty, this time to ask how she liked “Applause.” She says she liked the part where the girl got suspended and admits that she’s not really into dark edgy music, she was just pretending during that part I didn’t tell you about because I didn’t care.

But, ha:

Nurse Petty: “My favorite artists are mainstream singer-songwriters like Carrie Underwood, Bruno Mars and Katy Perry.”
Sam: “Me too! Oh my gosh I’m so not a Gaga. Ugh, I love Katy Perry! I’m such a Katy. Oh, it just feels so good to say it out loud.”
Nurse Petty: “I also still like the Jonas brothers.”
Sam: “I still like the Biebs!”
Nurse Petty:” No.”

They make plans to hit up a Katy Perry show in 2014, and then they make out.

The facehugger is a parasitoid; its only purpose is to make contact with the host's mouth for the implantation process, by gripping its legs around the victim's head and wrapping its tail around the host's neck

The facehugger is a parasitoid; its only purpose is to make contact with the host’s mouth for the implantation process, by gripping its legs around the victim’s head and wrapping its tail around the host’s neck


Cut to the McKinley High School Auditorium for fools, where Team Dark Edgy Gaga Trying To Be Team Innocent Katy performs a really great stripped-down edition of “Wide Awake” that finally showcases the pipes on Tina and Unique and doesn’t make me want to die at all. I liked it a lot actually.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C_WyZtjDlFA


Moments or minutes or years or centuries or seconds later, New Puck finds Marley Perry in the hallway — she’s easy to find ’cause she’s wearing a pink wig and a dress made out of child’s wrapping paper —  and invites her over to his place. They can watch Marry Poppins, he claims, which is code for “me popping into your mary” if you know what I mean.

ok, is it junior mints time yet

ok, is it junior mints time yet

Marley’s like, you want me to come over with this wig on? And he’s like, I really dig the wig, which reminds me of this really amazing Miranda July story, “Something That Needs Nothing” from her book No One Belongs Here More Than You and therefore makes my head itch. Anyhow, then we cut to the boring bedroom we’re supposed to believe belongs to New Puck.

it looks like he's unwrapping a present in this picture you would never know there was a human girl under there

it looks like he’s unwrapping a present in this picture you would never know there was a human girl under there

 

They’re making out with all their clothes on which means it’s only a matter of moments before Sex begins, because it’s Television. Marley-Kate calls the whole thing off and then they have a big fight about how she’s not ready to have sex and does he really enjoy going to shows wherein semi-talented local community actors sing Sound of Music in a half-empty coffee shop or is he just with her ’cause he wants to touch her boobs one day.

man i could really go for some eskimo pies right now

man i could really go for some string cheese right now

He says before Marley-Kate, all his lady-lovers dropped trough within six days or got the ‘ol heave-ho. So Marley throws off her wig and suggests he hangs out with those girls instead, so New Puck goes and bangs New Santana.

is that a mockingjay pin? are you from district 13?

wow he’s so much cuter with these earplugs in


We then pile into an expensive sports car and drive all the way back to the Bushwick Barbie Dreamhouse Loft, where members of The Gayest Band Ever are pondering potential names for The Gayest Band Ever. Also, Naya Rivera and Adam Lambert and Demi Lovato and Chris Colfer are all hanging out in the same room (!!!!!!) on my television set (!!!!).

accurate depiction of how it feels to watch glee

so do we just sit here all night or are we ever gonna get to suck face like sam did five minutes ago with the school nurse

Dani suggests they name their new band the Nip Slips, to appeal to boob-lovers all over the world, but Kurt says no to that and also to everything, because he is, as Santana acutely points out, a Nobot. Then Rachel shows up from her depressing rehearsal and suggests they name their band Pamela Lansbury which she means as a joke but everybody loves because WHY ANYTHING.

um, yeah, that was my copy of written on the body i keep by the toilet that you accidentally peed on

um, yeah, that was my copy of written on the body i keep by the toilet that you accidentally peed on

Kurt insists that Rachel must discard her “excuses” about being the lead of a Broadway musical that she’s using to avoid joining The Gayest Band Ever because our Dear Dear Barbara Streisand managed to be in Funny Girl AND:

+ sing for the President and Ladybird Johnson

+ pose for the cover of Time maagzine

+ sing “Happy Days Are Here Again” to “adoring nightclub audiences all over the country”

Firstly: aside from the last item on that list, which is ambiguous and confusing, he’s describing a series of actions which would take, cumulatively, about six hours. Secondly, Rachel is still in rehearsals! She’ll have more time when the show itself starts, assuming all goes well… but also she’ll be busy from probs 5:30-10PM every night except Mondays, which could put a kink in their band-booking schedule CAN YOU TELL MY BEST FRIEND WAS A BROADWAY ACTRESS WHEN I LIVED IN NEW YORK ALSO ALSO THOUGH WHY AM I EVEN TALKING ABOUT THIS

lemme just grab some snacks and let's get down to brass tacks for some spin-the-bottle action

lemme just grab some snacks and let’s get down to brass tacks for some spin-the-bottle action


We then strap baby angel wings on our back and soar like eagles all the way back to Lima, Ohio, where everybody is still in costume because who cares, and Unique is wearing all of Magnolia cupcakes on her dress and Artie still looks like a mime trapped in a condom trapped in a comic book, and Tina and Blaine are freaking out about Throat Explosions’ posting their setlist online but what everybody should REALLY be freaking out about is Tina’s ass in this outfit.

one of many things katy and gaga have in common is a propensity for not wearing pants

one of many things katy and gaga have in common is a propensity for not wearing pants

Sir William blathers on about something, inspiring New Puck to lean over to Ryder-Bieber-Strong and ask if he thinks Sir William thought up that inspirational bit I’ve since forgotten on the spot or had been saving it all week, and Ryder is like, “What are you talking about? Mr Schuster is a genius,” because Ryder is an idiot.

who, us? gay? nah

who, us? gay? naaaaah

Then Sue shows up ’cause she was bored and suspends everybody because the kids are breaking the dress code rules. Seriously though, Fake Quinn’s fellatioing a lollipop in a crop top with flower boobs and tiny shorts, which’s what my boarding school would’ve called “out of uniform.”

Sir William: Are you really starting up this feud again?
Sue: Oh, it never ended, William. It’s been hibernating like a polar bear in winter.

The war never ended because Ryan Murphy is too busy to think of something else, duh! Sir William says that they’re gonna BRING IT ON with their Katy number though so everything’s gonna be fine.

caption

you do realize that katy perry wrote a song called U R So Gay that opened with the lines “I hope you hang yourself with your H&M scarf /While jacking off listening to Mozart”, right?

I gotta be real with you, I can’t hate this song, even though I hate Katy Perry with the fury of a thousand ambisexual suns. I sort of like most of her music. I love the sins but I hate the sinner, if you know what I mean.

This particular performance goes totally off the rails! But I like it anyhow because it’s ridiculous and so am I.

katy gaga sex riot!

donna martin graudates! donna martin graduates! raise the roof!

junior mint. now. hit me.

junior mint. now. hit me.

This part was especially random and surprisingly entertaining?

this is our official audition tape for disney's jungle cruise

this is our official audition tape for disney’s jungle cruise

But maybe I’m just reacting to Tina’s quads again.

i just used ob tampons for the first time!

i just used ob tampons for the first time!

This part I could live inside and sit in the front row of and love and think and dream about for the rest of my life:

seriously all these humans singing together

seriously all these humans singing together

Also sidenote: when the entire male cast is romping around in loinskin diapers and Tina and Fake Quinn are wearing belly-bearing leopard-print crop tops and skirts, certainly you could make Unique a sleeveless outfit for once in her life on this show.

jazzzz hands!!!

jazzzz hands!!!

Here’s that hot tamale en total:
http://youtu.be/qJ2FDqUw5wE


Next week is gonna be really terrible and everybody is going to hate it, especially me. Also I don’t think anybody should be allowed to talk about twerking on television without inviting our Mod Kaylah and her Twerk Team.

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Riese is the 37-year-old CEO, CFO and Editor-in-Chief of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker, low-key Jewish power lesbian and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 2715 articles for us.

22 Comments

  1. ummm.. What about all talk of “no pressure” (read as SOOO MUCH PRESSURE) during the Marley and New Puck scene? Was I the only one who thought it was particularly painful? Sending some real mixed messages about sexual assault Glee.

    Also why do they insist of painting Artie as essentially asexual when we know him to be otherwise? He and Unique are wearing more clothes than anyone else.

    In other news, thank you for validating my sole focus during the lead up to Roar –> Tina’s incredible ass.

  2. Why is Lambert here. Why.

    Now I have the urge to watch this show after dropping it-

    Oh. That’s why.

    Clever, Murphs, but wait, here I have a well written piece of entertainment that provides me with both Lambert AND witty comments and imagery that doesn’t insult me to the core of my humanity, unlike Glee.

    Brava, Riese.

  3. I won’t lie, 50% of why I read this is because of all the fun little ways you come up with to travel between places. Seriously, how have you not repeated yourself yet?!

    Also, it’s official. Tina has the best legs and ass on the show. I can’t thank you enough for pointing that one out.

    Not looking forward to next week. Sigh.

  4. DEAR RYAN MURPHY,

    I’M WRITING IN ALL CAPS SO YOU CAN SEE ME THROUGH YOUR GLITTER-FUSED MIMOSA GOGGLES: CANCEL MCKINLEY HIGH. NO ONE GIVES ONE GAY FUCK ABOUT THOSE KIDS. CANCEL IT.

    FOCUS ON GLEE NYC. YES, THAT’S RIGHT, I JUST GAVE YOU THE NAME OF THE NEW SHOW: GLEE NYC.

    FOCUS ON SANTANA, DEMI LOVATO, RACHEL, CURT AND ADAM LAMBERT. FOCUS ON YOUNG NEW, FRESH TALENT. GET UP AND COMING POP STARS ON THAT SHIT. PEOPLE WILL WATCH. FUCK, MOST LATIN@S WILL WATCH FOR JUST SANTANA AND DEMI.

    STOP EVERYTHING ELSE. GLEE NYC 4 LYFE.

    DON’T WASTE THEIR TALENT. DON’T FOCUS ON YOUR EGO. ONLY: GLEE NYC.

    SAY IT WITH ME, GLEE NYC, GLEE NYC.

    YOU’RE WELCOME,
    G. RIVERA

  5. Part of me is seriously considering watching Glee again because Pamela Landsbury (?!??) or more accurately the humans in Pamela Landsbury singing together are all I’ve ever wanted out of television.

    Then I remembered that this is Glee and that the band’s existence will be forgotten within two episodes.

    Hilarious recap as always, Riese!

  6. Is Glee/anyone going to address the fact that if she is in fact the “school” nurse, she would most definitely lose her job for dating someone going to that high school. Yet no one seems to care that they are canoodling IN SCHOOL! Just saying.

  7. Is it just me or is Will crazy-passive-aggressive all the time now? I feel like he’s always getting angry and then trying to teach Lessons.

    Also: can someone explain to me the junior mint running joke?

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