Christmakwanzakah Open Thread: For All Your Homo-Holiday Feelings

Hark the heraldsomething whatever it’s almost time to open presents!

Aside from those presents and this tasty bloody mary, I think open threads are hands down the best part of any nationally recognized holiday AMIRITE HELLO OF COURSE I AM. And if we’ve learned anything from last year’s Christmakwanzakah Open Thread, it’s that our families are all crazy / AMAZING literally and that for every traumatic event you tell us about, be it hilarious or otherwise, there’ll be at least 20 perfectly delivered reply comments to help take the edge off.

Not all of you / us are celebrating a holiday this weekend, but because Autostraddle is based in America and in America ALL THINGS ARE CHRISTIAN UNTIL PROVEN OTHERWISE, chances are, unless you’re living on a secluded compound out in the woods (fuck we are so jealous), you’re at least celebrating a day off from work.

Seems like just about every member of Team AS has gone home for the holidays, except for CEO of Ideas Riese and Executive of Emails Laneia. This has the potential to be depressing, so the onus is on you to keep them entertained and happy. Talking about yourself in the third person is weird you guys. Look I think Riese will like this, probably you too:

+

What about you hm? What’s up with you these days. What new experiences and life lessons will you be bringing to this year’s celebration. Did you bring your girlfriend home to meet the family? Let us know how that goes. Last year, Managing Editor of Feelings Sarah P*lmer introduced us all to Beerio Kart. That’s the gift that keeps on giving, really.

Here are some other ways we’ve tried to make the season merry and bright for you:

+ Lessons Learned: How a Jewy Lesbian Can Enjoy a Pleasant Chanukah with Her Uncharacteristically Bigoted Parents
(This is relevant even if you aren’t a Jewy Lesbian.)
+ 16 Holiday Songs That Don’t Suck
+ A Very Special Holiday Drinking Guide

Also even though Riese hates this as much as she hates Love Actually, Laneia will never not love it, which is how you can tell us apart when you’re blindfolded:

+

Happy Holidays! Let’s talk shit about your uncle!


We keep Autostraddle majority free-to-read, but it isn't free to create! We need YOU to sign up for A+ to help keep this indie queer media site funded. A+ membership starts at just $4/month or $30/year. If you can, will you join?

Join A+

the team

auto has written 648 articles for us.

554 Comments

  1. I’m glad this thread is here!
    My mom just informed me that we are going to church in less than an hour.
    I can’t remember the last time I went to church, and I’ve been having some problems with Christianity in general lately (obvs), but this is not the church we used to go to and it has a little rainbow flag on that little message board thing they have outside, and I’m pretty sure the thing we’re going to will be short and in English.

    Meanwhile I am watching the final broadway performance of RENT on my computer, because that takes place around Christmas so it is perfect.

  2. My mom’s baking a birthday cake for me and my dad (his birthday’s tonight and mine was the 22nd), and my dad’s teaching me how to cheat at blackjack. Later we’re going to watch Shaun of the Dead. Good times, but I kind of wish I were playing Beerio Kart.

          • Yep, ive seen the l word before. Just asking which are your fave eps, you know, you being the l word scholar and all that :)
            Just watched the episode where the gang scatters dana’s ashes and carmen said yes to shane’s proposal. Refuse to watch the next episode, i cant handle shane leaving carmen at the altar T_T

            Which episode should i re-watch next?

          • Watch season 4 episode 4, “Layup.” It’s the episode when they play basketball. I had the most obnoxious laugh during it.

            I guess by the fourth season a lot of the actors were able to go off script, so the stuff that you watch in that scene is basically them being hilarious.

            The scene when Leisha Hailey made that shot, that’s actually her reaction. I think… Okay, well that’s official, I’m watching that episode.

            Riese, help?

          • – i really like anything from season one pretty much, especially the first and last episodes

            – from season 2 i like 210 (cruise) and 211 (pride) and the finale when shane & carmen reunite and jenny has a breakdown and there is lots of shennylove

            -season 3 was dumb except the episode where shane fucked cherie jaffe with a strap-on by the pool which was maybe like 307? or something.

            – season 4 was a ridiculous excuse for a television program starring probably everyone who lived in vancouver, because they introduced like 56 new characters. i liked 404 ‘layup’ though.

            – season 5 was pretty solid all the way through, espesh 505 (party ep), 509 (blackout episode), 510 (cancer bike ride episode)

            -season 6 was an unfortunate experience from start to finish but the dance-off episode was good, 607

          • I couldn’t ever actually watch season six to the end. My desire to keep going fades out at episode three. I decided just reading your recaps was probably more entertaining and an automatic win (zing!!!!)for my sanity.

          • I have three episodes left in season six, and I can’t watch more than 7 minutes per day without wanting to stick forks in my eyes, but I feel like I might as well finish the whole series since I’ve come this far.

  3. the hi-light of my day so far: crawling into the shower to nap and hide for a while.

    hey, what alcohol is in eggnog? i think thats the only way i can sneak alcohol this year, unless my parents get drunk first…

  4. Don’t you love enforced gender conformity? I know I do. I also love hearing that my jeans make my butt look saggy and that I need to wear a nice SKIRT, dammit, in front of my grandparents.

    And I miss my girlfriend.

    • Gender conformity is the best. Nothing quite like it. We were on the subject of baby rearing today, and my mother says ‘You know, after your sister I was totally prepared to have a girl or a boy, but never a girl who acted like a boy!’ Love you too mother.

    • god knows, “you’re a young lady, you should dress like one” has become the mantra of all the women in my family.
      moral: shaving your head to a hawk for christmas is not the brightest idea but it certainly gives them something to talk about.

      • Oh man, love this.
        I think next time I’m coerced into attending mass, I’m definitely showing up in a nice pencil skirt, crisp white collared button down shirt, and a bright purple hawk.

  5. I’d have to say that this holiday was the most interesting seeing as though we celebrated yesterday cuz we all work today and tomorrow but I think its was all worth it….me and the siblings dipped out on the family went to the bar bought each other a few rounds of drinks and somehow those rounds of drinks turned into getting a few rounds of lap dances…..so yup that’s what I got for Xmas

  6. Emmmm…..my ordinarily homophobic mother pretty much just came out to me, no word of a lie! We were having a heart to heart about the fact that i’m a gaybian and it all just came out (literally)….most unexpected Christmas surprise ever, how odd!! Everyone grab a beer/Skittle flavoured vodka/cider and have we’ll have a toast, sure why not! :-D

  7. I’m actually really sad that I don’t get to spend Christmas with my family because they’re incredibly awesome. :( My whole family did Christmas at my uncle’s place in Mississippi this year (which isn’t as bad as it sounds because my uncle has a freaking compound on the Gulf Coast) and I keep getting wistful at their Facebook updates! (Also at the video my mom sent of my baby cousin throwing a ball for my mom’s dog. Hilarious.)

    Instead I had pancakes with my girlfriend’s sister and now I’m going to Christmas lunch at a friends’ place. Better than my girlfriend’s family who lives here… O_O

  8. This year I’ve given up on looking anything close to a girl. I’ll be looking extra fly wearing the entire express mens section. I’ll also be closing my eyes so I dont have to see my moms “What did you do with my daughter” expression as I walk out of my room.

    Now where’s my fifth?

  9. I don’t really celebrate Christmas (grew up in a different culture) but I am spending it with my boyfriend’s family – which in Australia (And amongst non-religious types) really means chilling out and eating. Which is pretty much what I was raised with anyway.

    What I am looking forward to though is tomorrow – possible sexytimes with an older kinkier experienced woman who for some reason has taken a shine to me. Apparently she adores a challenge and wants to give this inexperienced younger n00b (who hasn’t even slept with a woman yet) some creative pleasure. aslk;djadljfej;rvfjakdsa BEST CHRISTMAS PRESENT EVAR.

  10. brother: what kind of beer do you want?
    me: leffe blonde

    dad: so what did ya get?
    me: a belgian blonde, even though really i prefer brunettes *WINK*

    *CRICKET NOISES*
    *SUBJECT CHANGE*

    my family wishes i liked boys.

    • I don’t get why my brother can make a tame joke and I can’t. I’m out to my family, I’m not being crude, and what I say is occasionally hilarious (usually inadvertantly).

      It’s like going back into the closet everytime I go home (getting unbearable, though I KNOW I should be grateful to have a home, a loving family, and all the other blessings in my life *counts them twice*).

      *toasts eh*

  11. I just got back from Christmas lunch with my dysfunctional southern extended family. Consisted of my senile grandma yelling at my fat grandpa, and cooking a duck and turkey and never cutting either of them because she forgot.
    AND MY ADORBS LITTLE COUSIN WHO IS SO CUTE EEEE. He was wearing green corduroys overalls you guys. It was so damn cute.
    But yeah, my grandpa would just wander off while my grandma was yelling at him, and my grandma kept coming up and looking at my ears and then walking away.

    • RIGHT OK I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE BORING TONIGHT BUT APPARENTLY NOT! MOM JUST GOT A FACEBOOK MESSAGE FROM HER LONG LOST SISTER SHE HASNT SEEN OR SPOKEN TO SINCE SHE WAS FIVE YEARS OLD WOOOooOooOoooo

  12. I have just been forced to stop chatting to my brother and go to bed early (half 10) and have to type realllly quietly because my dad’s room (dysfunctional parents) is next to mine and he ‘wakes up every time i move’ and wants to go to sleep. Really want to point out that thats defo not true given how I used to sneak out the house almost every night for about a year and he never once woke up but i sense learning that probs wouldn’t make him more reasonable. urghhhhhhh.

  13. I fucking hate this half-closet thing. My mom has explained to me that I am, in fact not gay, and has forbidden me to come out to anyone else, which I ignored in my social life, but kind of have to obey as far as family goes. It’s a good thing the rest of my life is really freaking amazing right now.

  14. My family is odd.

    My Dad just told everyone that we’re going to hell because no one wants to go to the Christmas Eve service this year but HE WAS JOKING. We’re not going to church (last year we got drunk before church, this year we’re just not going) but no one in my family believes in hell so it is OKAY.

    My Mom’s just BOILED about 300 dimes that she got from the bank because she wants to make snacks and play Rummoli for money but only if the dimes have been boiled before we touch them.

    My Dad told my older brother and I not to get him anything for Christmas and that we could just wrap things he already owns and pretend that those are our gifts to him WTF. We refused because that is weird and makes no sense, so he is wrapping them himself right now to open up tomorrow morning I REALLY DO NOT GET IT. We already got him Canucks vs. Flames hockey tickets which is not the same thing as giving him something he already owns.

    My friend Josh gets off work in a few hours and is planning to come over to steal Queer as Folk from me, upon hearing this my Dad asked if the writing is good because he is looking for a new show to watch, but I told him just to stick to the West Wing because I don’t think he would really get how much Brian loves Justin and it would upset me if he watched the show and didn’t get how much Brian loves Justin YOU KNOW.

    Anyway, I have to go spike the egg nog. My little brother is already stoned.

  15. i’m so glad that this open thread community exists. home with my family for the holidays, the whole christmas eve church experience is getting harder to do every year. glad you all are here for me to commiserate with and know i’m not alone in my feelings

  16. this was the great coming out christmas here in southeast texas…by which i mean i told my mom i have a girlfriend, she said “okay” and then we continued to bicker about unrelated useless nonsense. i suppose that’s a pretty good response.

    things that are getting me through:
    – skype
    – last.fm [bikini kill station]
    – Sam Adams Winter Lager
    – crafty crafts — i’m making the gf a stuffed dragon for christmas. also, i candied my own ginger. word.

  17. just ate some veggie sushi that i picked up at the nearest chinese restaurant since, once again, despite the bounty of food laid out, no one cared to accommodate the only vegan (me).

    actual quote “well, it’s only chicken stock in the soup, that’s not actual meat”. sigh.

    have now made up a fictional errand so that i can have a smoke before returning to the family fest.

    and beer. i must locate beer.

  18. I’ve cooked 4 out of the 6 dishes my parents, my brother and I are enjoying this evening. I feel proud of myself! Rosemary-mushroom-apple bread stuffing, eggplant gratin, sweet potato-pecan casserole and molten chocolate cake are all on the menu tonight. Of course they’re all vegetarian (the other 2 are meat, which I refuse to touch), so you’re all welcome to enjoy <3 (sorry vegans, I think they all have dairy in them though :[ )

  19. He said it was a Christmas miracle: the second elevator was fixed! No more waiting 15 minutes or climbing 8 flights of stairs. But when I got in it this afternoon, it got stuck on the 7th floor, doors half-open and groaning. The miracle was short-lived, apparently.

  20. While baking Christmas cookies with my mom I asked her what she would change about me if she could change one thing..

    …drumroll…i was expecting her to say “i’d have you be straight”

    but instead she said “I wish you were on time for something just ONCE in your LIFE”

    we’ve made progress!!

    and I said “If i could change one thing about you, it would be your tendency to clear my plate before i’m done eating because i’m a slow eater and you know that”

    p.s. we lost a lot of our christmas cookie cut outs so this year we are having cookies shaped like pumpkins, dreidels, easter bunnies, apples, ghosts, and stars.

    • You’ve got some totally festive cookies: star of Bethlehem, ghost of Christmas Past/Present/Future, apples are awesome, “Jesus was a Dreidel Spinner,” and Santa Claus hangs out with the Easter Bunny and the Great Pumpkin in the off-season.

        • Me and my straight guyfriend made rainbow velociraptor cookies. Also:

          “Santa hates smokers!!!” – my mother, loud enough for the whole Damn neighborhood to hear while I was having my post-church breathing treatment on the porch.

          Also, went baked to church. Giggled every time they said “baby Jesus,” and the kid in front of me cried every time I looked at him.

      • Haha! My mom doesn’t even bother wasting money on watches because she knows I won’t wear them. Best part is, I took a hormone levels test and my cortisol levels came back backwards…which essentially means I’m actually nocturnal. So there ya go.

  21. When I told her about how our Xmas 09 made the listling, my mom said a mention on Autostraddle was her favorite part of Christmas so far. Granted that was 11 o’clock this morning, but I’ll take it.
    Very merry to everyone celebrating, Bon weekend to everyone who isn’t. Hopes for a peaceful holiday for everyone who can have one and a boozy one for everyone who needs it!

  22. I’ve realized that Christmas is only magical for starry eyed children. I’ve been thinking of the girl who has my heart this Christmas, and I gave up drinking. That’s left me alone with all my thoughts while my family is watching Christmas movies without me because I have to make Christmas cookies and they’re making my gifts. Damn.

  23. My mom is making boiled custard (I’m so excited for this, it’s one of the reasons I love living in the South). I have seen my nieces for the first time in a year which made me very happy. Notable moment: when I asked the three year old what she wanted to be when she grew up her answer was, “There’s plenty of time.” The cuteness cannot be described. I’ve had a glass of wine, my sister gave me a rainbow colored whisk, and snow is happening tomorrow. Christmas is good. I send every one who is having a not so good Christmas virtual boiled custard infused with rum!

      • It’s this amazing Southern drink that’s incredibly rich and creamy drink that has a similar consistency to eggnog but is better. It’s literally custard (a rich sort of pudding) you can drink. Adding alcohol makes it better. It’s made of milk, egg yolks, sugar, and vanilla which comes together to make deliciousness. Unfortunately, you can’t find it in any stores anymore, so you have to make it yourself.

  24. Can’t. Stop. Crying. What the hell is wrong with me?

    I bought my family scratch off lotto tickets for Christmas and was reflecting on how this made me the best daughter/granddaughter ever when I realized that my dad used to do that every year, and this is the second Christmas since he died.

    I shouldn’t be this upset! Someone make me laugh, I have to go to church in half an hour and it’ll be less shit if I’m not bored AND crying.

  25. Guys, I have just had my first wassail. I wanted that Christmas song in my stomach and whoo, it is potent. I feel dinner went by more smoothly because of it.

    Wassail wassail all over the village, wassail wassail all over the town! Our toast it is white and our ale it is brown.

    I am now alone in the house for the night, so I am going to sit around in my wassail-drunkenness and underwear and watch stuff on Netflix instant watch. Wish you were here!

  26. I’m at work. where my ex is also working. with her new boyfriend. and the customers suck.
    also, i’m the asshole who made my mom cry when she called to see why i wasn’t at her house yet and we realized this miscommunication about my days off means there is no christmas for me this year.
    also, i have no alcohol at work. and nothing to smoke.

    You guys: I FAIL AT CHRISTMAS.

  27. Am spending the holidays in family exile for the first time after coming out as trans a few months back. Was initially relieved to miss out on all the racist jokes & awkwardness, but now my girlfriend’s gone to Albuquerque & I’m contemplating a Casual Encounters kind of Christmas. It’s not a good look. All I wanna do is watch Love Actually & paint my toenails silver & wrestle with somebody.

    • My mom’s given me a bit of grief over the hair (though I don’t really have to deal with her much until tomorrow), but it’ll grow out while I’m being a lazy fuck and not getting it cut for another several months anyway.

  28. Christmas is going….hesitantly well so far. My mom was all angry-face all morning because she scrubbed the entire house while I was at work in order to show my dad that “We’re doing just FINE without him!” Thank goodness I got some Christmas rum from my bestie for when my dad visits tomorrow. :]

  29. Best christmas moment so far, my grandfather talking about his drinking days. How he started drinking at 8(in 1948), he quit drinking in 2005. Really hard drinker for five decades and when the doctors did a scan of his liver it didn´t have any sign he ever drank anything stronger then apple juice.

    He saved so many people at sea that he doesnt remember them all.

    He´s a fucking legend

  30. I decided to be proactive after last year’s christmas and received best present ever: My Santa Doctor just refilled my xanax. So now I won’t remember this christmas much which will be a total win.

  31. Today, after going to a friend’s I walked to the park, where I spent about 45 minutes sitting and deciphering my feelings into a semi-coherent story, with Sufjan Stevens’ “Vesuvius” as my roadside buddy. I only wish my food tasted less like plastic.

  32. We had some minor seismic activity and everyone got nervous and left early. So now it’s just me and my parents cleaning up and drinking Pistachio-flavored coquito (to calm our nerves!!). I’m not complaining. If not for this we would be at the point where I’m asked when I’m bringing home a boyfriend (“or girlfriend, whatever you want”).

  33. Today I had my mom read the article by DeAnne Smith because it’s hilarious and my mom and I both share a fear of spiders…she thought it was so funny she snorted a little and then told me about how she thinks that she has been watching the gay channel on tv a lot recently because she keeps seeing RuPaul. Then she did a shot with me out of a shot glass that says “Instant Lesbian: Just Add Alcohol”
    PLUS she let me take a picture of this happening…
    MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

  34. I have to call my father this evening for the first time in the four months I’ve been in the Philippines. I’m praying The Gay Thing doesn’t come up. I just. It’s Christmas. I don’t wanna come out on Christmas. His wife’s mom is pretty much dying of like three different cancers and yeah. But he’s too unpredictable on the phone. It could come up.

    Also all my family is 8,000 miles away and even though I have a host family here, that makes me sad.

    /feelings

    • super long distance internet *hugs* Last year at this time i was trying to avoid coming out to my sister and brother-in-law (who is studying to be a southern baptist pastor. . . yeah) I was able to wait until January 2nd, so it didn’t screw up Christmas! Hooray! Now if only I could magically make them more ok with my fiancee so she could home with me, life would be great!

    • Oh, ALSO FUN? Watching my host family tease my clearly-gay-but-can’t-talk-about-it-because-this-is-the-Philippines host sister about how they’re going to get her a skirt for Christmas. And not being able to say anything because I can’t be out either.

      (I mean like I say things like, “Oh, but it’s so cute!” when they tease her for her short hair (anyway, it is), and things like, “She should wear the clothes that make her happy.” But it doesn’t feel like enough when all I wanna do is take her and be like, “I UNDERSTAND LET’S BE GAY TOGETHER IT’S OKAY.”)

      Good times!

  35. Christmas is already here in NZ. AND I CAN’T STOP SNEEZING, WTF. This is irritating.
    I’m currently experiencing my Christmas downtime — my older siblings are at their respective partners’ parents’ houses. We’ll do presents and stuff when they get back in a couple of hours, excite!
    I love Christmas — it’s pretty chillin’ at my house.
    Good luck (& booze!) to those of you who need it, and goodwill etc. to all!

  36. Root beer schapps exists, and it is amazing.

    Also STEVEN STOP READING BLOGS I READ AND TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHICH COMMENTER I AM ALREADY JESUS GODDAMN CHRIST

    Merry Christmas, y’all.

    • I wish my Christmas was filled with as much emotions as you guys.

      My Christmas so far, was spent
      almost falling asleep in church with
      a lighted candle.
      Shoveling snow at eight PM? (For those of you who don’t have snow, I should send you pictures.)

      Future Christmas plans is to
      learn HTML and CSS for the hell of it,
      and to eat lots, and lots of
      sweet potatoes.

  37. ah yes sooo many feelings!

    my younger bro came across the country from good ol’ san fran and i’m realizing this may be my family’s last christmas together for several years (if i go abroad). this makes me so sad! why? i don’t even really like spending much time with them! which makes me even more upset because i feel like i should and am just a horrible daughter… but i just get grumpy at them/myself and ruin christmas! i don’t wanna ruin our last one together for a while! how do i be happy? helpppp me autopals!

    that sounded like a dear abby
    too much wine tonight?
    i am falling apart
    whyamithegrinchbahumbug
    okayforwardslashfeelings

    • Funny, My parents were just talking about how they went to see Behind the Green Door and left because they were bored.

      My mom was like, all they do is have sex! There was no climax!

      Who says that? and about a porno movie? I told her had she stuck it out I’m sure there would have been a climax.

    • Today I told my Hispanic and extremely Catholic family that I’m an atheist. There were lots of tears and screaming and alcohol. Now I’m sitting on a trampoline drinking cheap wine and listening to Tegan and Sara. I’ve gotta say, this is the best Christmas yet!

      • Awesome! I don’t believe in any religions or gods either. Coming to this conclusion has been like a coming out of sorts. Theism/religiousness are as ingrained in our culture as compulsory heterosexuality and gender conformity, and as I have been able to break through the prescribed mumbo jumbo, new vistas have opened up.

        I can’t even say I’m an atheist. I mean, look at a deer. It doesn’t believe in god, but is it an “atheist?” I’m like that deer.

  38. Okay I just got home from work, what did I miss? Is everybody drunk? Who is working tomorrow? Please go to your local drugstore tomorrow and buy all that shit that the cashier tries to sell you at the counter. We can’t accept tips but we will get a shiny nickel.

  39. Sitting at home along with a bottle of wine while I pack, take off in the morning to join the family for another xmas in the closet. coming out at xmas just seems like an asshole move, especially since it’s been a rough year for my family. I think they’d be ok with it if i did pull myself out of the closet but it ain’t happening this weekend. at least there will be plenty of alcohol!

  40. i forgot to share this with you guys but i think it is really important: i made out with natalie portman last night [in a dream, minor detail]! it was awesome and we talked too about a lot of stuff and had great chemistry. merry christmas to me! [/i don’t know how i ever woke up this morning]

  41. so far we went to Christmas Eve church service where everyone kept hugging me because I’ve been away for 2 years. then we came home and watched Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps and I almost said out loud that I thought Carey Mulligan was hot and that Shia’s kinda cute too (love his outfits in this movie) even though I’m totally gay I can tell he’s attractive…but I can’t say things like that in front of my parents because it will give my mom hope that maybe I’m not fully gay and it’s just a phase, so yeah.

    at least my brother cannot stop cracking gay jokes so that is making it interesting (he’s just lightly teasing me, not being malicious since I just came out to him recently). yesterday he told me for Christmas he bought me all the Timberlands they had at the store since he didn’t know my size was. (he thinks it’s a stereotype that lesbians wear Timberland boots). good times.

  42. For some reason I was actually looking forward to eve/day this year… well at least eve (since it doesn’t involved extended family) and then it comes along and sure enough everyone is yelling, the sister is sick and grandma lays her guilt trip on us all. To top it off I couldn’t drink because I was driving my sick sister! FUCK! Phew it felt good to get that out.

    Tomorrow I’m sticking close to the bottle of polish vodka with a name I can’t even pronounce.

  43. Here bes the deal at my family Christ-mess Eve Celebration

    My mom makes 3 games. At work.
    Game #1: A series of short answer questions
    Example:Where are you when you catch Mommy kissing Santa Claus?
    Answer: Guantanamo Bay
    Difficulty Level: 3/10
    My Score: 2/10 (No points for jack assery – otherwise would’ve won.)

    Game #2: Outdated Multiple Choice Quiz about Christmas movies
    Difficulty Level 10/10
    My Score: 2/10
    Actually the shittiest game in the world. If you were born after 1970.

    Game #3: Puzzle of “The Night Before Christmas” Line by Line
    (we think that might be the only reason my Mom had her assistant working this week)
    Difficulty Level: 0/10 (smart phones = looking up the book and ending up being in a race of who could find what first)
    Our score: 1st mo-fucka

    The best part? My mom wrapped up 15 mini bottles of Canadian Club and Tequila Rose, and if you said you won something, then you got one.

    I’m saving my tequila for awkwards lesbo-convos with Grandma tomorrow.

  44. I did a combined christmas/thanksgiving time with family already. Usually my mom tells me I’m either too fat or too skinny… this time she just said I look too much like a boy.

    Anyway my original plan to celebrate tomorrow morning was to wake up my roommates while already drunk and my second iteration was just to do a “power day” instead of a “power hour”.

    Too bad I already drank my booze. I wonder if any liquor stores are gonna be open tomorrow…

  45. I possibly should have put my other comment in here but whatevskys its all cool, I love you guys though I’m not sure I feel you all know me as well as I feel I know you all it will all eventually even out, I’m still a bit shy and all that. you know. can I just say that after dealing with my family its super nice to come back here and see you all and be like, damn to have this community on my back on this holiday is just so damn cosy in this way is just so nice. its like hot cocoa pine smell fire warmth nice. I would cuddle yall if I could.

    as I said in that other comment I’m on a lil island in sweden with my fam in the freezing land with more than a meter of snow and like no plumbing and so much glögg (mulled wine) with vodka and cookies and lussekatt (saffron buns) delicious! I am full of delicious food. and drank. I love everyone. also if you are having notsogoodtimes let me know I don’t mind I want to share my cosy times with you!

  46. I’m thinking it might be a bad thing that it’s Christmas eve and tomorrow i’m going home to be around my homophobic brother in law and sister who kept their kids from me for 8 months after i came out of the closet and i’m feeling totally fucking crazy and like i have no self control over what’s going to come out of my mouth. ironically i’m glad there won’t be booze tomorrow. I don’t need anything to lower my inhibitions than they already seem to be. ugh. fucking up this christmas would be horrid. the first one without my gramma. ugh.

  47. Now I’m watching Bridalplasty. Do you guys know about this show? This is the worst thing. I seriously can’t handle it. It’s about women competing for plastic surgery so they can be perfect brides.

    Also, my roommate just gave me a Shake Weight for Christmas.

  48. the boy scouts ran out of trees so we couldn’t steal one last night, so my best friend’s mom made one out of a spider lamp and random decorations. it’s pretty beautiful.
    her grandfather gave us each a beanie baby with our presents, and he gave me the UNICORN because I’m GAY.
    i also got a sweatshirt with a christmas kitten on it, and i yelled “YES” with visceral happiness.

      • i read this while laughing at a button i found on the table next to me, which has a seal on it, and says “THE SEAL OF APPROVAL”.
        so if someone reads this while thinking of seals… it’ll be just like one of those novels where everything is completely and oddly connected… so, just like life.

  49. I’m missing my long distance not-quite girlfriend. I also managed to end up getting suckered into buying all of the gifts for my dad from my mom. Does that make sense? I don’t even know. *facepalm*

    Good news is!!! Caramilk liquor.

  50. had a great dinner. drank a lot of wine and ate 4/7 fishes. clams, muscles, shrimp, lobster. I love italian christmas. I wish I was out to my grandmother.sometimes. I mean she is 94.. I’m so thankful to get to spend another christmas with her. I just get antsy when she says I should find a nice boy and that he should take care of me… usually when this happens I just drink more wine. ok time for a scotch. CHEERS!

  51. My father had 8 vodka and tonics tonight, and my mother gave me a snuggie. Plus I showed some of my paintings to my extended family and they all seemed genuinely impressed, so Chtistmas Eve has been successful.

    In the morning my parents my dog and I will open presents and then head over to my grandpa’s house to spend the day with the other side of the family, which always has the potential to be a shitshow…

      • actual conversation i had recently-

        person: i wonder what jewish people even do on christmas…
        me: they go to the movies and eat chinese food.
        person: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA that would be so funny
        me: no really though, a lot of jews go to the movies and eat chinese food. common knowledge. fact.
        person: stop fucking with me. ha, ha, funny. you’re funny.
        me: WHEN HAVE I EVER FUCKED WITH ANYONE REGARDING FACTS

        and for about a week i was like “fuck, what if by some strange chance, only the jewish people I know go to the movies and eat chinese food on christmas?!”

        but i’ve heard it mentioned a few times today so phew.

  52. So, I feel like sharing my Xmas eve because it’s been ridiculous so far. Here’s why.
    – forced to go to church (pretty standard but still lame)
    – was trapped in a stairwell and had to talk to ‘sunday school’ teacher guy who once pseudo-kidnapped me to inform me about the consequences of being gay and warn me of the ‘gay agenda’….kinda Awkward, just sayin’
    – number of cans of wine (no, really) I was given by a stranger? 2. Sketchy.
    – racist/sexist/homophobic remarks from my grandfather at dinner? Over 35. This also corresponds to the number of facepalms/choking on food/etc
    – somehow I also got punched in the face, by my brother, by accident. It was very three stooges .

    So… that was neat.

  53. My mom and I had a major gender-policing issue as I was getting ready for mass tonight. Long story short, she ended up yelling “DO YOU WANT TO LOOK LIKE A BOY!? HELP ME UNDERSTAND!” She really wasn’t all that understanding, trust me. In the end I had to wear a goddamn red dress. Before walking out the door she made me put on lipgloss. When she asked if I liked it, I said “it tastes good.”

    Hours pass, I have quite a few glasses of wine. We’re opening presents. I get a ton of super fancy make-up, but not the snowboarding pants I wanted. I (regretfully) start tearing-up and tell her that she doesn’t get me. We cry and yell, and she goes to bed and I clean up the cheese dips.

    • This usually happens where we’ll be going to like a movie and then a casual dinner with my parents’ best friends…I’ll have a cute plaid button down and jeans and some oxfords, and my mom is like: “you’re NOT wearing jeans” and I’m just like “why can’t you let me wear what makes me comfortable as long as I’m not dressed like a hooker”…inevitably several people WILL be wearing jeans and it doesn’t even matter. Today she didn’t mind my outfit though, AND she even got me jeggings as a Christmas present! I didn’t even ask for them but damn if they are not awesome. I might wear them to church tomorrow, I don’t know yet…

      yeah, church within 2 days of each other. admittedly I had some catching up to do. but I don’t mind, it’s only like an hour and a half and it makes my parents really happy.

  54. I’ve had a rough night. It started with my dad taking me outside to find out why I broke up with my gf. I told him I didn’t want to talk about it with him or anyone.he got mad and stormed off and left.

    Later on, my grandfather started choking.cousins tried cpr. It didn’t work. He turned blue. Several minutes went and no breathing.finally paramedics came. No breathing yet. He was taken to hospital. He’s still unconscious. Was On a respirator, but breathing on his own now. Food in his lungs. But I think he might be ok….not sure.

    I’ve been having connection issues all night and have been trying to vent since my spat with my dad. Blegh.

  55. so i went to church. and decided i never need to go back to my parents’ church ever again. all my friends from there are married. and there are babies. remind me not to go to my high school reunion next year.
    but i did see a contingent of baby gays in the youth choir which i was very excited about! (my church is actually quite cool and accepting and i basically grew up there, i’m just over that phase of my life/this city/the midwest)

  56. well the internet is misteriously out in my house so i’m reading these and writing this in the dark on my cell phone! thank god for internet on phones. went to church this evening and sang in the choir and showed off my crazy gay haircut and no nosy old ladies said anything to me about it! then i went to an annual gathering with family friends where everyone LOVED my new hair (all shaved except bangs) and talked about im so excited to have kids one day and no one said “uh but how are you gonna go about that you big gaywad” (i should really give these people more credit!). anyway, this christmas i’m thankful for anti-depressants, my family, autostraddle open threads and internet on my phone. lots of love for alllll of youuu! xox

  57. My mom’s had three allergic reactions to alcohol but continues to drink it, my dad’s wearing a knee-length gold puffer jacket, and I accidentally threw the cat across the kitchen today, but we have gifts, pizza, and donuts so it’s all good! :D

    Except they still think I’m straight but telling them I’m not would be like the most awkward/disappointing gift in the history of my family, so that’s gonna wait until spring break.

  58. Um, I got a vintage skinny tie AND a sweet mother-of-pearl inlay tie clip from my girlfriend’s 80-year-old grandma for Christmas. I HAVE NEVER FELT MORE DEEPLY UNDERSTOOD OR FULLY ACCEPTED IN MY LIFE.

    The only problem is, now I kinda have a crush on the grandma.

  59. um, so, the fam was watching the Jim Carrey version of How the Grinch Stole Christmas, & hey did yall ever notice, THE GRINCH WAS RAISED BY LESBIANS??

    well, my 3rd white russian & i did, & i yelled our discovery at the tv, & my entire family gave me a look. OOPS.

Contribute to the conversation...

Yay! You've decided to leave a comment. That's fantastic. Please keep in mind that comments are moderated by the guidelines laid out in our comment policy. Let's have a personal and meaningful conversation and thanks for stopping by!