Boobs on Your Tube: When Are AHS:1984’s Final Girls Going to Make Out?!

GLAAD released their annual Where We Are on TV report this week and things are looking better than ever! Kayla broke down a Blossom-less Riverdale by shaking everyone down into tops, bottoms, and switches. Dani wrote about Unbelievable and the culture of serial rapists. Valerie recapped Kelly and Alex’s dativersary on Supegirl. And To L and Back kicked off its third season.

Notes from the TV Team: 

+ Legacies hasn’t been explicitly queer lately but its queer ladies are up to magical mischief, as usual. Josie is going a little dark and Lizzie is struggling with her mental illness and Hope is just over here breaking my heart. And for what it’s worth, I still ship Hope and Josie now that Penelope is gone, and the first thing Hope said when worrying about telling Landon the truth about them having been in love was something along the lines of “What if Josie hates me” and not “what if Landon doesn’t love me again/anymore” so. There. — Valerie Anne

+ S.W.A.T. had a quasi-Chris centric episode this week, as the team rushes to save a human rights activist that’s been abducted. And while it’s always cool to see Chris be the hero, the way the show’s stepped away from addressing her personal life this season has left me frustrated. What happened to Ty and Kira? Why hasn’t the show dealt with the rift between Chris and Annie from last season? — Natalie

+ Heads up: my soapy summer fave, Ambitions, returns for the back half of its inaugural season on Tuesday night! — Natalie


Nancy Drew 105: “The Case of the Wayward Spirit”

Written by Valerie Anne

Nancy Drew is getting SPOOKY, y’all! And the rational, matter-of-fact way Nancy is handling discovering ghosts are real is delighting me to no end. But delighting me even MORE is Bess slowly finding her place in this world. She revealed to Nancy last week that she’s actually British (eek!) but might be related to a local rich family. She came to Horseshoe Bay to find out and see what they were like, but then chickened out, hence the fake accent and the van. But this week, good ol’ Lisbeth popped up again! She’s been calling The Claw but Bess has been too nervous to call her back, despite some adorable encouragement from her platonic pal Ace. But then she ran into her potential gal pal at the gala the mystery team was infiltrating, and ends up giving Lisbeth her cell phone number. The episode ends for Bess when she finally works up the nerve to text Lisbeth to ask her to dinner, and Lisbeth agrees.

bess happy with her phone

Me when Seamless says my food is on the way.

I’m excited to see what those crazy kids get up to next. Hope Lisbeth isn’t a supernatural skeptic!


How to Get Away With Murder 607: “I’m the Murderer”

Written by Natalie

We are seven episodes into How to Get Away With Murder‘s final season. Two episodes away from the OMFG moment that caps the fall finale. Eight episodes until the final chapter on Annalise Keating and her murdering mauraders is written. Given that timeline, it’s curious that HTGAWM would waste one of those precious hours on an episode that doesn’t move the plot forward in any substantive way (aside for those last few minutes). I know we’re all just going to blame it on the Castillos in the end anyway…but, at least, give the show room to stick the landing. But I digress…

Tegan invites Annalise into her office to introduce the firm’s newest client: Nate Lahey. Convinced by Annalise to cut Nate some slack, Tegan plans to file a wrongful death lawsuit against the state and explicitly naming Governor Kerry Weaver as one of the litigants. The move draws Annalise’s ire and she warns them both of the possible backlash. Tegan urges both of them to take the night and consider who’s being named in the lawsuit but Nate’s determined: they’re filing the suit, regardless of whether Annalise is on board. Fearful that Nate (and Bonnie) might discover that they killed an innocent man if the case moves forward, Annalise recruits “Bad Frank” to help scare Tegan off the case.

And while Annalise’s orders to Frank sound ominous — “scare her good,” she tells him — Tegan doesn’t end up physically hurt. Instead, “Good Frank” leaves Tegan a USB device filled with pictures of her ex, Cora. Worried that the Castillos might hurt Cora, Tegan withdraws as Nate’s counsel. Unbeknownst to Annalise, though, Nate’s recruited another attorney to help in wrongful death suit…the only person that needs Ronald Miller to be guilty as much as he does: Bonnie. She, seemingly, recognizes the Cora pictures as Frank’s handiwork, and volunteers to press on once Tegan has to step aside.

“We only move on by finally getting to the truth of what happened,” Bonnie explains to Frank later, much to his obvious chagrin. But perhaps Frank’s warnings aren’t without merit because, upon receipt of the lawsuit, Gov. Kerry Weaver directs Xavier Castillo to find out everything he can about Bonnie Winterbottom.

While all of this is going on, Annalise and her students are working outside the punitive walls of a courtroom. Gabriel pushes a restorative justice hearing for a Catholic school teacher who brought a gun to school, fearing a school shooting, and inadvertently killed one of his students. It’s an interesting glimpse inside a process that few even know exists and, ultimately, makes as good a case for not arming teachers as I’ve seen on television…but still, I’m not sure we need an entire episode devoted to it, this late in the game. That said, it did afford an interesting moment for Annalise: turns out, the teacher was gay and feared being outed by the student he shot.

“I know more than you’ll ever understand the self-hatred of being in this closet,” Annalise admits, as she coaxes her client to share his grief with the grieving grandparents.

We’ve heard more acknowledgement of Annalise’s sexuality this season than we ever have before — and I’m grateful for that — but every acknowledgement feels divorced from Annalise’s actions. On the one hand, she’s having all these epiphanies about her sexuality but on the other, she’s not even glancing in the direction of the viable lesbian love interest. How can those epiphanies not provoke exploration, especially when TEGAN PRICE IS STANDING RIGHT THERE?!


American Horror Story 908: “Rest in Pieces”

Written by Drew

AHS: 1984 should be gayer.

Romance may not be the focus of the season, but watching Montana and Trevor navigate their ghost/human relationship, and Margaret and Richard tout their “mutual admiration and deep sexual attraction,” I was left wondering why everyone was so straight.

I always want things to be gayer, but in the case of AHS: 1984, a campy, Ryan Murphy concoction, it just seems so obvious. How many times are Brooke and Donna going to pin each other to a wall before they just make out already??

This episode does introduce Stacy, a cute, eager, and amoral reporter for the National Enquirer. There’s nothing to signify that she’s gay except that she wears glasses which I’m pretty sure means she’s at least bi. Also her intense interest in Donna and Brooke, while driven by her desire for a story, does feel charged.

She confronts the pair revealing that she knows who they really are. They strike a deal and go with her to Camp Redwood. Brooke decides she has to die.

Right before Brooke can complete her first non-self-defense murder, Donna interferes, telling Stacy, “BITCH RUN!” Unfortunately, she runs right into Richard, Margaret, and a thumbless Bruce who have all teamed up, and kill her.

Donna tells Brooke they can’t cause any more harm. Brooke calls back to an earlier conversation and asks if they can both be the horror movie’s “final girl.” Donna says, yes.

That’s all well and good, but can our final girls also make out please?

The Autostraddle TV Team is made up of Riese Bernard, Carmen Phillips, Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya, Valerie Anne, Natalie, Drew Gregory, and Heather Hogan. Follow them on Twitter!

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20 Comments

    • It really is a lot.

      I know they are probably going to put Macy with Harry, but she has so much chemistry with Abigael!

      The worms did me in. Someone had to remind me during episode 4 that they didn’t get their powers back and it was a test in episode 3. I literally blacked out everything that happened after the worms.

      • @iamamisfit1 – I would love for Macy to be bi; she gives me queer vibes (though tbh I assume every woman I’m attracted to is queer)

        The worms were overkill & such a weird choice. And yes it’s astonishing to me how far they are going down this “No Powers For The Sisters” road. And that they killed the Book of Shadows to replace it with The Book of Elders. It’s like they really committed to these mediocre ideas just so they could be seen as “changing things up.”

    • Oh I have so many feelings about the season 2 changes on Charmed! I’m so mad about how much they changed! For no good reason! I don’t understand why they destroyed the Book of Shadows so fast just to replace it with another book and they can’t even read the Book of Elders. I don’t understand why they still don’t have their powers. I hate Hacy and agree that Macy had so much chemistry with Abigael (especially the first episode with the two of them). I actually am liking Abigael which I think shows how much the show has hurt the sisters because they seem boring compared to her rn. I agree with @iamamisfit1 the worms were gross and so unnecessary. The show has up the creepy factor which I don’t enjoy. After the last episode (and how Harry and Hacy centric it was) I’m not sure I’ll keep watching.

  1. Amazing that if you go back to late last season, everyone who had seen a Julie Plec show correctly called that she would pair all the women on the show with men as soon as possible. It was so predictable. She just dipped her toe in the water for a few episodes to get the praise for her “groundbreaking approach to sexuality” so she could get back to her bread and butter of love triangles in which women fight over deeply unimpressive, toxic dudes.

  2. I’ve clocked in on another thing that I’m disliking about “Legacies”. Landon is the epitome of white male privilege. Hope sacrifices herself to defeat Malivore. Guess who gets the credit for that? Because he gets the credit for it, he becomes the most popular person in school. They replace Lizzie as the quarterback for the Salvatore Stallions with Landon based on absolutely nothing. Josie casts a spell which actually makes him good at football, so that’s due to her not him. Josie and Hope are basically killing themselves, and each other, for this guy who is making no real effort to be emotionally faithful to either of them. Due to no training he suddenly has great fighting skills. On top of that, just because of a quirk of birth Malivore is after him which centers the main conflict on him. So in summation, all of the women are doing the heavy lifting here, and he’s the one rising to the top because of it.

  3. Yes, thank you for posting this (I almost did the same earlier.) I’m so torn on this “reboot” and I don’t know if I like it or not.

    It’s like characters we know but they’re starting all over so their stories are new so it’s a little slow. And it’s not as interesting without their powers. I LOVED last season it was so good, but this season Is rough so far.

    Why do I feel like Parker is going to come back and Maggie is going to get to fall in love again, but we are never going to see Niko or Jada again.

    I just hope this show pulls through this season like it did last season .

    • @ruthabelle – I also loved last season except for a few things, including how they got rid of Jada and that Niko was a cop/cop-adjacent.

      After last night’s episode (Ep 205), I am really disheartened by the whole situation. I miss having all three sisters together in their house with their “family dynamics” that were stricken after the new showrunners took over. The lore is not what brought me to the show; it is the sisters & their relationships with each other. It just feels like the Hacy & lore show now. I love Macy & Harry’s fine, but I’m here for the sisterhood & the gay shit.

      Strong agree that it seems super unlikely Niko or Jada will come back. They have only mentioned Niko once and Jada zero times this season so far, right? I will be forever mad that they fired a queer black actress (Aleyse Shannon) who was playing a queer role.

      • @ruthabelle @mathilde I so agree! Last season was so fantastic but after all the abrupt changes this season it feels so different and undeveloped. Without their powers and with the dark mood it’s less enjoyable. I really miss the feminist nature of last season and it’s queerness. Even though they have a character set to be Mel’s love interest, it doesn’t feel like it’s going anywhere (especially with Maggie talking about them not supposed to be in relationships even though she’s flirting with Jordan). I liked Niko and loved Jada and miss them! It’s so shitty that the show just got rid of them especially Jada and Aleyse Shannon since she could still fit story wise.

    • i’m getting so into stumptown! also can’t believe it only took us six episodes for her to be with a woman? like, they are really here for us. i can assume the show is only going to keep getting better after a medium-good start.

  4. Natalie – I totally agree about S.W.A.T.! Especially since all the male main characters have each gotten at least one personal storyline this season, mostly about dating/relationships. Yet Chris has barely mentioned her partners. As much as I liked this storyline with the human rights activist, it felt a bit cheap that it automatically became the storyline for the only woman on the team.

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