Boobs on Your Tube: Cameron Esposito Almost Breaks Rosa’s Heart on “Brooklyn Nine-Nine”

Welcome back, Boobs Tubers! This week, Kayla and Riese chatted about Star Trek: Disco and Carmen and Natalie chatted about Someone Great! Heather reviewed HBO’s new Anne Lister series, Gentleman Jack and kept her promise to write about Jane the Virgin. Carmen made you a cheat sheet to get caught up on Charmed. Sally reviewed the first episode of the new British women’s prison drama, Clink. Valerie Anne recapped Legends of Tomorrow and Supergirl. And Kristin and Riese released an all-new episode of To L and Back!

Here’s what else!

Charmed 118: “The Replacement”

Written by Carmen

The face of a woman who once upon a time had two girlfriends and now has none.

Niko’s engagement is trucking right along. She and Hot Greta are hosting their engagement party at Mel’s bar (ouch, that’s next level lesbian heartbreak Mel, my apologies!). While prepping for the party, Niko confronts Mel – she’s noticed an abrupt end to all the suspicious activity around town now that Jada and the S’Arcana have chilled out a bit. Mel shuts her old ex-girlfriend down with a quickness, explaining that Jada is now her new ex-girlfriend and she doesn’t know anything about what is or is not happening over at the S’Arcana.

Then later, Niko, my ever persistent adorable little crime solver, calls Mel over to the tattoo parlor that’s the front for the S’Arcana hang out. It’s been ransacked! Niko knows there some shady shit going on, and she won’t Mel off the hook this time. That’s when the first bomb hits. The moment we’ve been waiting for since Mel first wiped Niko’s memory all the way back in episode five – cornered with no way out, Mel FINALLY ADMITS THAT SHE’S A WITCH!!

I was shocked! I rewound it like four times! Before Niko has a chance to really process what was said, Mel forces her to leave the tattoo shop because she’s worried for her safety. Once Niko’s out of sight, Mel opens the secret passageway to the S’Arcana headquarters, and what she finds is gruesome.

All of the S’Arcana have been bloodily slaughtered! Fiona did her worst. I’ve made no secret that I loved this insurgent crew of rebel badass witches, and I’m going to be mourning them for a long time. Fiona’s officially #1 on my Time to Die list. Sadly, Jada won’t be around to help avenge her sisterhood. She’s the last remaining S’Arcana (citing her half-Whitelighter blood as being the reason she was saved) and she’s decided the best thing she can do is get out of town.

Jada begs Mel to go with her, but we know she won’t. The final battle approaches and Mel is destined for this. She’s a Charmed One, and she’s got shit to handle.

Madam Secretary Season Five Wrap Up (518-520)

Written by Carmen

Those cheekbones could cut glass.

This is a quick wrap up that Madam Secretary ended it’s Season Five run on Sunday and Kat Sandoval is still around. After being missing for multiple chunks throughout the season, Kat makes a prominent showing in the last three episodes. Unfortunately, most of that “prominent showing” is still just her standing around behind Téa Leoni. There’s no doubt that Sara Ramirez is devastatingly handsome in a business suit, but I think it’s time to say it – Madam Secretary is wasting her talents.

One of Kat’s major arcs comes in the form of a workplace sexual harassment plot. Téa Leoni’s Secretary of State is stepping down from the position so that she may run for President. Her presumed replacement is known among many women in the office as a sexual harasser (if you’ve ever heard of the “Shitty Media Men” list that made some waves last year, this plot is very similar. If you’ve never heard of it, still click that link! It’s fascinating). When one of these women confronts Kat with this knowledge, she takes care of it. And by that I mean she makes this old rich powerful white man shit bricks in his own office. I know I should be more upset that whenever they give Kat more than two lines to utter in the same scene, it’s always in service of some version of a clichéd Social Justice Warrior plot that’s pretty stereotypical for a butch-presenting queer woman of color. To be honest though? Nothing makes me happier than watching this badass make “powerful” men cower.

But damn, I really wish Madam Secretary would give her more to do outside of just those few moments.

9-1-1 215: “Ocean’s 9-1-1”

Written by Natalie

As Ryan Murphy is wont to do, this week’s episode of 9-1-1 veered off the format of a traditional procedural, this time adopting all the hallmarks of a bank heist caper… thus the episode title, “Ocean’s 9-1-1.” It doesn’t really work as a caper because, despite the show’s attempt to sow seeds of doubt, it’s impossible to believe that any of our first responders would be behind a robbery. Still, though, it was a fun hour of television that led me down an unenviable scorpion venom wormhole.

Kudos to the 9-1-1 wardrobe department for securing one of these controversial shirts for Hen to wear ironically.

Station 118’s called to a bank where two men, the bank’s manager and its armored car delivery guy, have fallen ill. When Eddie recognizes the symptoms as those of a potential nerve agent, Bobby urges the team to back away. But when the bank vault’s timer threatens to lock the manager inside, Hen rushes in to get him out, ultimately getting locked inside and infected by the same toxin that’s impacted the manager. With one of their own locked inside — foaming at the mouth, no less — the team springs into action, penetrating the vault from the outside, just as the vault company’s able to unlock it remotely. Thankfully Hen is safe.

When the team returns to the firehouse, a gang of police follow, having been tipped off about bags of money stored in their firetruck. Every first responder, including Hen, is questioned about the stolen money. Hen’s rightfully indignant when detectives suggest that she was in on the conspiracy: she was the distraction, while her teammates robbed the armored car. Plus, she needs the money now that her wife’s lost her job at JPL.

Anxious to find out what really happened to her, Hen and Athena set off to solve the case themselves and, of course, they do (I WOULD WATCH THIS SPIN-OFF, RYAN MURPHY). The robbery was concocted by the bank manager and his former brother-in-law, Marty. Their plan all went awry, though, thanks to Hen — who suffered a reaction to scorpion venom — and the unanticipated double cross: leaving the bank manager dead, the money with the police and Marty in jail.

S.W.A.T. 220: “Rocket Fuel”

Written by Natalie

Chris introduces Kira and Ty to Deac and Luca.

The other two-thirds of the throuple meet Chris’ SWAT family…with disastrous results.

Something amazing happened on CBS on Thursday night: Chris Alonso is about to head off to work and, before she leaves, she leans over to kiss her girlfriend. Then she does the same for her boyfriend. A bisexual character (played by a bisexual actress) kissing the other sides of her polyamorous relationship in primetime network television?! Just another example of how S.W.A.T. continues to push the boundaries of your traditional procedural.

Before she leaves for work, Kira and Ty ask the newly domesticated Chris if she’ll move in with them. She doesn’t give them an answer right away and, instead, heads into work where SWAT responds to a gunfight at a local stash house. The team escapes unscathed but it puts them on the hunt for a gangland chef who’s cooking up a potentially lethal batch of liquid PCP. While the team waits for additional information, Chris tells Street about Ty and Kira’s offer. Chris is happy — “being with them has been better than any other one-on-one relationship I’ve ever had,” she says — but Street reminds her of her past misgivings about Ty and Kira’s impending nuptials.

After the bad guys have been collared, it’s time for the LAPD Fallen Heroes Fund Charity dinner. Though Chris has been open about her polyamorous relationship at work, it’s the first time that her work family will meet Ty and Kira. Things go swimmingly until they don’t: when Deac’s daughter, Lila, asks Chris about Ty and Kira, she’s honest, but gentle in her response. The answer doesn’t go over well with Deac’s wife, Annie, though. She says she loves Chris but she doesn’t want her children being “subjected to a lifestyle” with which she doesn’t agree. She calls Chris’ relationship a “threesome thing” and says its not normal, right or moral. Chris is rightly stunned to hear this but she’s heartbroken when Annie says that had she known that Chris was involved in “this type of relationship,” she never would have made Chris the godmother to her newborn daughter.

Chris leaves the dinner, only to show up at Street’s house with a bottle of whiskey. The pair get drunk together — Street lamenting his wayward mom, Chris grappling with the hurt of her fight with Annie — and end up sharing a kiss. If you’ve watched S.W.A.T. since the beginning, this pairing seemed inevitable, but still, it grates. Afterwards, Chris returns to Ty and Kira’s apartment, offers apologies for making them worry and agrees to move in with them.

Jane the Virgin 505: “Chapter Eighty-Six”

Written by Heather

I had worried that getting Petra and JR back together so early in the final season meant there’d be no story left for them (or that one of them would die) (a constant worry) but this week saw Petra having to work — like crawl around in a ditch work — to prove to JR that she can trust her. It doesn’t come naturally to Petra, this kind of vulnerability or hustle to prove that she’s done the right thing (or, honestly, to do the right thing) but she is seriously committed to JR.

It starts with JR saying she’s not ready to stay over at Petra’s place yet because, you know, working as a bartender every night is a constant reminder that she’s been disbarred because of Petra lying to her, and she needs to figure that out. Then JR sees an email from Petra to Milos and even though Petra swears she didn’t send it, JR can’t believe her. So Petra goes on a mission to prove herself, tracking down security footage of her firing like a bus boy and then peeping Jane in the corner writing something on a napkin and then digging around in the dirt to find that napkin to present to JR as evidence of her innocence.

It’s very sweet and silly and so them. JR believes her. And Petra’s going to keep working hard to be believable.

Brooklyn Nine-Nine 614: “Ticking Clocks”

Written by Heather

Cameron Esposito was back on Brooklyn Nine-Nine this week as Jocelyn — no Jake’s not saying her name over and over and over again because he forgot it one time, okay — decides she’s gotta break up with Rosa because Rosa is over-committed to her job. It’s an episode that takes place in real-time, like 24, which means there are a lot of elevator rides to showcase the passing of time. The best one is after Jocelyn explains about this breakup, and Rosa reveals her plan to Jake: “I‘m gonna beg her to stay, change whatever I need to change, then once our relationship’s stronger than ever, I’m gonna dump her as so quick. It’s gonna be brutal.” They hop in the elevator and Jake says that plan is Villanelle levels of psychotic and also chides her for still not watching Killing Eve.

The thing is that Rosa’s never lost a break-up, she’s 12-0, and she doesn’t intend to lose this one either.

She doesn’t, but only because while the rest of the 99 — including Amy who has come zipping in from the dentist with the little bib still attached to her neck — is working the countdown case to figure out who’s trying to hack the precinct, Rosa stays outside and talks to Jocelyn about her feelings. Holt is furious when he finds out and to be honest I don’t care for it that much either. Maybe that’s because I over-relate to Amy, who skidded across the top of a car after running 30 blocks and yelled, “Oh yeah, work-life balance, I have that too!!!” while demonstrating exactly the opposite. (FOMOOW, Fear of Missing Out on Work).

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The Autostraddle TV Team is made up of Riese Bernard, Carmen Phillips, Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya, Valerie Anne, Natalie, Drew Burnett Gregory, and Nic. Follow them on Twitter!

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  1. Hen and Athena > Hobbs and Shaw
    That’s the spinoff that I really want!
    Also it was not fun to watch the bank heist episode with my former bank manager wife who was pointing out step by step how none of that could possibly happen

  2. Yikes, re: Charmed. I am glad I read this report before watching the episode so I can prepare myself for the violent deaths of all of the S’Arcana :o

  3. So I don’t actually watch SWAT so I’m not sure how much it skews action over soap opera. But ugh on workplace romance between co-workers that definitely should not be dating for all kinds of sensible HR and teamwork reasons.

  4. Hey, I hate to criticise things but I really find myself avoiding Autostraddle recently bc the lead headlines (which I’m sure are for clicks) have persistently spoiled some of my favourite shows for me to the point that I find the front page really hard to browse. I’m sure there’s a good reason (like lead clicks) why you do that but it’s really frustrating me recently as I miss just casually being able to browse the site (I know the answer here is to keep up with shows better but work/depression/being British means I just don’t see things the second they come out!).

  5. I was sad to see the S’Arcana destroyed, but so glad that Jade survived! I thought she was dead for a moment and was like DON’T MAKE US PUT HER ON THE BURY YOUR GAYS LIST!

  6. One of the best ongoing wlw storylines right now, at least for younger audiences, is Cris and Joana on SKAM-España. Season 2 centers around two bisexual 17 year old girls who fall in love. The chemistry between the two is reminiscent of Juliantina, only in this case the producers purposefully cast queer actresses who are about the same age as their characters. The actress who plays Cris may be just a high school student with no previous acting experience outside of school productions, but she’s truly amazing – a future star. Fortunately, the Spanish network (Moviestar) is making all clips and episodes available on their YouTube channel with English subtitles.

  7. I’m not really feeling Rosa and her new girlfriend. The whole thing seems awkward, bordering on cringy. Idk. No chemistry either. :-/

  8. This is the least serious thing to be annoyed about but I’m not a fan of Rosa’s styling this season. Dark lipstick and Stephanie Beatriz’s fun pointy nails? Not about it.

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