You Need Help: You Think You’re Bad At Sex

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Welcome to You Need Help! Where you’ve got a problem and yo, we solve it. Or we at least try.

Q: My girlfriend and I broke up about four months ago. She was the first girl I was ever with, and we were together for almost three years. About halfway through our relationship, she admitted to me that she had been “faking it” every time we had sex. She told me she never once had an orgasm (despite what she said during sex) and that I was so bad she lied and avoided having sex with me. Like she would tell me she had gotten her period twice in a month. She said at first she tried to be patient because she knew this was my first time having sex with a girl, but eventually when I never got better she hated sex with me. This completely destroyed my already broken self-esteem. To make matters worse, after telling me this, she never had sex with me again. Every time I tried talking to her, and asking her what she wanted and advice for how to make her feel good, she said she didn’t want to talk about it.

Now that I’m single and finally able to move on, I am terrified to have sex with another woman. I feel extremely insecure. I’m 23 years old, and I’m regretting coming out of the closet so late. I dress a little butch, so I feel like the women I’m talking to are expecting me to be the top and know how to get them off. I went on a date this past weekend but the woman turned out to be a gold star, which terrifies me because I feel like since I’ve slept with men in the past, I’m not going to seem like a “real lesbian.” I don’t know where to go from here when it comes to dating women. I feel like younger, less experienced women, like me, want someone with more experience to “show them the ropes.” And older, more experienced women want someone who hasn’t just stepped out of the closet.

A: Oh wow. First, let’s take a deep breath. It’s so upsetting that your girlfriend did those things! This is about more than just sex skills; this is about being in a relationship that doesn’t seem to have made good sex possible. With that said, it’s important to keep some things in mind.

A lot of people have a lot of first girlfriends and a lot of them are shitty! Congratulations, you made it through. You are a badass. And there are gonna be so many more girls who love the way your hair falls in your eyes or who love the way you make tea or the way you do those things with your fingers and your mouth.

But first, you have a lot of ideas about the way you think things should be, and this is a good time to let yourself realize that they’re not necessarily true.

For instance, it’s not going to help you, your sex partners, or your sex life to try to imagine what other people might want or expect from you in bed. You can’t know what other people are thinking until you ask them. Sometimes you won’t know even then. Butch-presenting people can be bottoms. Femmes can be stone tops. Lots of people are switches, or all of these things, or none of them. The person sitting across from you on a date could want anything in bed, and (hopefully) they’re not assuming that you only like/are interested in certain activities because of how you look, either.

Also! “Gold star” is a construction of the patriarchy and less useful than old gum. No one is more or less “real” than anyone else. None of these things will tell you that it’s better when you move your fingers up and to the left when you’re inside of them or that they really like it when you bite them almost hard enough to draw blood or that nipple play is out under any circumstances or that they like it when you use the big cock tonight, darlin’, or when they get to strap on first or last or always or never. Forget all your ideas about what the person across the table from you might want until they tell you so you can actually listen when they do.

And you know what? It feels like you’re coming out late no matter when you come out. If you come out in your fifties you wish you’d come out in college. If you come out in college you wish it’d been high school. If you come out in high school you wish it’d been middle school. We as a society rely on personal history as a foundation for identity and without that history it can feel scary to declare that your identity is legitimate. It is okay to know that you’re queer and not know the ideal way to fuck the person in front of you yet. A lot of people are in that boat. (Also just because someone is out doesn’t mean they’re having tons of awesome gay sex all the time always, even if it seems like they are.)

There are reasons people come out when they come out. There are a million different things that affect where you are in your life and contribute to exactly where you are right now. Where you are in your life right now is okay. And very few lesbians, if you tell them — at 23 — that you used to sleep with men, will be surprised or not want to sleep with you as a result, except for assholes. If you’re worried about it anyway, just don’t mention it. You don’t owe them that. “Hey and also I used to sleep with men in my teens before my three-year relationship with my ex-girlfriend that ended a few months ago and also we were bad at sex together” is defensive — you’re disclosing it because you feel like it’s their right to know, like they’re considering damaged goods. Do not be defensive of who you are. Taking your time — and honestly, you have not taken that much of it — to figure out who you are is nothing to be ashamed of.

Confidence is key. No queer lady person, gold star or otherwise, is going to lay there thinking, “Ugh, she’s going down on me and I can totally tell she’s slept with boys before.” NO! Your head is between her legs. That’s what she’s going to be thinking about. Especially if you’re asking, does this feel good? Does this? When she says yes, do it a thousand times until she comes or asks you to stop or you move on to other sexy things together.

So let’s talk about how you get confident.

This very website has a lot of guides on how to have lesbian sex. Read them. Study up. Check out the Vice guide to oral or search for instructional sex videos on the pornier parts of the internet or straight up watch some queer porn. (Porn is not often instructional, but it is good for ideas.) Some of the the things you will learn will be a number-one crowd pleaser for everyone until you meet that one person that thing just doesn’t work for. Sometimes everyone will hate something until that one person begs you for it. That’s okay! That doesn’t mean you’re bad at sex, it means that different people are different. The point of research isn’t even necessarily learning, though hopefully you will. The point is to make you feel like you know what will work, so you have a chance to find out what will work for the person in front of you. The key is faking everything except your orgasms until you make it.

Also, the only way to figure out what is working or might work is to ask. I’m so sorry that your previous partner wouldn’t meet you halfway on this, but please don’t let that turn you off of talking about sex altogether! Talking about sex is super fun, and if you have the chance to do it in advance even a little then you should jump on it. You can also engineer that chance. You don’t have to say, “I want to talk about sex now,” but can mention this cool new sex toy you saw on the internet or ask whether you can bring anything if you’re going over for dinner — wine? dessert? riding crop? — in a way that could be construed as a joke if you’re nervous and she’s not into it, but that could also lead to discussion.

It’s also important to try new things until you figure out what works. This is important for responding to activity partners, and it’s important for your own growth and development as a sexual being. There might be something you think you like that might be terrible in real life, or best left as a fantasy, or that works in some ways but not others, or that is the only way to want to fuck for the next three months. There is a reason people refer to sexy times as “play.” Sex is a weird and awesome thing that sometimes makes no sense and sometimes is the only thing that makes sense and it is always supposed to be fun, so have fun with it.

If you don’t have someone to practice with, practice on your own. Masturbate furiously. Find out what you like and let you brain carry you in different directions.

You also need to figure out how to rebuild from this relationship that has destroyed your self-esteem. Again: masturbate furiously. Find a therapist. (Maybe not both together.) You were not your ex-girlfriend’s ideal sexy person. This does not mean your moves will not be great for someone else. Some people just can’t have good sex together, and that’s okay. She also spent a year and a half lying to you and another year and a half refusing to engage with you, which sounds really selfish. A caring partner who wants sex to be part of your relationship will give you all the room in the world to figure it out, especially if you’re willing to listen and learn and take direction. Make sure you are willing to listen.

There is no one way to fuck someone. Confidence is key and physical attraction is great. Are you attracted to this girl you went on a date with? Go on a date with her again and see what happens! Don’t assume she won’t want to sleep with you until she tells you that. The sex stuff will work itself out.

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Ryan Yates

Ryan Yates was the NSFW Editor (2013–2018) and Literary Editor for, with bylines in Nylon, Refinery29, The Toast, Bitch, The Daily Beast, Jezebel, and elsewhere. They live in Los Angeles and also on twitter and instagram.

Ryan has written 1142 articles for us.


  1. I nodded along with basically the writer’s entire letter. I’m a bit skeptical of the response, though.

    Okay, so yes, obviously there *are* other queer women whose bedroom preferences defy their gender presentation, but statistically speaking, what proportion? Rightly or wrongly, I’m under the impression that that number is pretty darn small. And that most people expect that if you look a certain way, you’re gonna behave a certain way in the “pursuit” and if you behave a certain way in the pursuit, you’re going to behave a certain way in the bedroom later.

    I had one girlfriend 7 years ago :/ to whom I “lost” my virginity and for the duration of our brief but highly sexual relationship she didn’t attempt to hide how flabbergasted she was at how awkward and inexperienced in bed I was. Also like the writer, I’m MoC and enjoy being in control in just about every aspect of life…except the bedroom, I discovered with some dismay, and that has also inhibited me from knowing how to approach the feminine women I’m interested in. If I inadvertently brought home a woman who turned out to be a total bottom, I’d have zero confidence in my ability to please her. Now I’m in my late 20s and feeling more embarrassed and less confident by my sparse relationship history with each passing year. :(

    • I’m surprised that people would go into a queer relationship expecting ‘traditional gender roles’ to apply. Isn’t that the great thing about being queer? Who pays for dinner? You work that out yourselves. Who makes super romantic gestures? You both get to decide. Who wants to tie the other up in bed? Again totally the choice of those people. By being openly gay (or whatever) people have made the choice to defy societies expectations of them, so why would they still only have sex in ways that other people have condoned?

    • Hi Jess! That’s my name too!

      Please, please, please believe myself and the response above when we say that gender presentation or personal aesthetic DO NOT EVEN REMOTELY INDICATE how someone behaves in bed. A solid 50+% of my butch and masculine presenting friends are serious bottoms and a huge chunk of femme presenting people will top the heck out of their partners and most of us switch day to day, week to week. I’m genderqueer but present somewhere on the femme end of the spectrum 9 days out of 10 and let me tell you, my fantasies and behaviors are not limited to one set of ideas. It varies – day to day, month to month, person to person – if I feel like topping or bottoming or neither or both.

      Personally, I don’t think people should have sex without discussing it. Like, have hot sex. Have it with someone you met that night, if you want (please be safe!) but ask them what they’re into before you head home (the most legit reason for whisper-in-your-ear-public-dirty-talk everrr) and then no one ends up surprised or disappointed.

    • “Rightly or wrongly, I’m under the impression that…most people expect that if you look a certain way, you’re gonna behave a certain way in the “pursuit” and if you behave a certain way in the pursuit, you’re going to behave a certain way in the bedroom later.”

      I think it’s fewer people than you think. Also, I feel like if you’re very upfront about what you like in bed before you sleep together, it can save you from that shattering moment when you’re naked with someone who doesn’t want to do the same things as you.

      I think you should give the response a chance! I had a few similarities with the letter writer and now that I’m more sexually experienced I totally agree with the advice.

    • So I read this post and I read the first comment, and my first reaction was “Oh no! A baby butch is in trouble!” And I messaged my super-hero sidekick, aka my girlfriend. :P

      She and I are butch-femme (I’m the femme) and we love the roles, eroticism, power play, and history that those labels come equipped with. We are also both kinky and both switches–meaning either one of us can end up on top or bottom, but there is almost always a top and a bottom in our scenes. As a femme I do like to be topped very often, but I also love being the Domme and know I couldn’t handle a partner who wasn’t willing to bottom at least every once in a while. She’s butch but she loves begging me on her knees just as much as she likes to pin me down, and while we each have our own unique gendered ways of acting out our ‘top’ and ‘bottom’ roles, they certainly don’t fit stereotypes.

      Yeah, you will get a lot of feminine (or not-feminine) lesbians who believe that if you are remotely masculine, you need to be a sexy experienced toppy Shane. But they aren’t worth your time if they can’t accept your wants and needs as well as their own. And there are many, many femmes (and others) who absolutely adore shy, bottom-y MoC queers.

      The best thing to do is to grow comfortable with your own desires: explore, masturbate, purposely look for things that turn you on, do your own fave/yes/no/maybe list to figure out your interests. The next step is to talk about sex (a lot) with willing partners. It’s always hot, never gets boring, a great breeding ground for inside jokes, and it builds trust and intimacy before you even take your clothes off. You can also flirt and see whether you’re compatible in terms of sexual wants and interests before being sold on what your assumptions about the outer package tell you they should want in bed.

    • Because I’m feminine-presenting and pretty shy and passive in most social situations, I always worry that people will never guess that I actually want to take charge in relationships and in bed. So I guess what I want to say is that the femme woman of your dreams who will let you be yourself and top the heck out of you is out there and probably having the same worries as you from the other side of the coin. :)

      And I feel you so hard on feeling more embarrassed by my lack of relationship experience every year.

    • Cheer up little unicorn! :) Maybe you could take some time to think through what you really like and want. Be confident that these likes and wants you have are full on legit. Even though this is easier said than done, once you’re confident in your likes and wants, you will likely meet people who are so into it. Sure, there are some rotten apples out there, or people who flat out don’t care about others’ feelings, but don’t pass up great opportunities because you *think* things might not go as hoped. Things don’t ALWAYS go as we hope, after all. But a lot of people will actually make an effort to get the best out of every situation. Be confident that there is a partner out there for you.

      I’m fem and mostly toppy when it comes to women, though like a lot of people, I switch easily. In fact, I’m the kinda person who just randomly fills the unfilled spot. I do that in most aspects of my life (i.e. If during teamwork no one takes the leader position I might jump in and do it. If someone else quickly takes the leader position I’ll be the best small bee in the hive.)

      And seeing all these other comments, you’re definitely not alone either. Don’t let someone bad make you feel bad. You are a badass. Or a big softie. Or both!

    • Kick that nasty patriarchy out of your bedroom!

      Traditional gender roles can be tool for us to use and have fun with, but they shouldn’t be a prison!!!

      Things are so much more layered, complex, colourful, and infinite than that boring old binary.

      That’s what’s so awesome about queer lady sex. We are free to make up our own rules. What ever your into, and what ever your preferences are, how ever awkward you are, it’s totally legit!!!

      Rock your awkwardness. It’s real, it’s vulnerable and it’s totally gorgeous!!!

    • Not surprised that people told you to not worry! Being queer is awesome! Everything is ok! Because yes. True. But I am surprised at all of the actual top/bottom/switch dynamics. I go into pretty much every sexual encounter expecting to be the aggressor at some points and more submissive at others.

      And I guess I can really only speak for myself, but I’m definitely not consciously thinking about who is going to be more “toppy” or who is going to be more “bottom” (I hate to even use the words “top” or “bottom” because I have never thought of myself in terms of those terms). It’s all up in the air! Which is actually kind of terrifying haha. But it seems to work out if I’m attracted to them and they’re attracted to me. I can only speak for myself here, but I’m usually just so glad to be making out with whatever person I’m into that they could ask for or do just about anything and I’d be enjoying myself (ok, that was an exaggeration, but). I’m usually just like, omg, she’s touching my boob! Omg, her hand is down my pants! IT DOESN’T GET ANY BETTER. A part of me feels guilty for revealing how easy I am, but, eh, if I can help some people relax a bit….

      • “Top” and “bottom” are not really just terms that describe who literally may be on top or bottom or the sex-er and the sex-ee; when I use them, I’m coming from a kink perspective, so “top”, “bottom”, and “switch” are very loaded terms that deal with dynamics involving bondage, domination/submission, discipline, and sadomasochism. In those scenes, it’s EXTREMELY important that you negotiate who is doing what or playing what role before going in. I can’t just casually tie my girlfriend up and start whipping her spontaneously because it felt right in the middle of a scene–some consent/negotiation has to happen first (even if it’s sexy and still in the context of the scene).

        Also, let’s drop the idea that “real” queers never use roles or labels. I will never pressure another queer person to ascribe to butch/femme dynamics, perform top/bottom roles during sex, or participate in BDSM. But I’m tired of those issues being phrased as though all labels and sex roles are inherently limiting and anti-queer.

  2. Ask tons of questions, too! Not only is this important for consent and care for your partner, but asking them “do you like this?” or “what do you want me to do?” while you’re gettin’ down can be really helpful… as well as really sexy.

    • Though maybe negotiate that prior to the sexy times. Since for some people who’ve experienced past abuse, esp coercion, that could be super duper epic levels of triggering.

      • Good point — thank you! I just meant that it’s important to ask your partner what they are comfortable with and what they enjoy, and that doesn’t have to detract from “the mood”. Most definitely set limits and talk about it beforehand as well, right on Jess :)

      • Hey-o thanks for trigger warning. I just managed to have a panic attack with my best new lady mate while she was on top, thanks to my failure to communicate beforehand that certain things would be hey-o trigger-city.

  3. I think it’s super important to remember that not all people are sexually compatible. Period. No matter how much you love someone, sometimes you and that person will have So Little Overlap in the sexy things you like to do.

  4. This LW made me so sad. Speaking as someone who is kind of shy about “the sex” until they’ve been with someone a while – but who currently has a partner who is totally supportive – it breaks my heart that she made you feel that way!

    I agree 100% with Carolyn’s reply, but would just like to add: please don’t doubt yourself because someone was disrespectful enough to lie to you, and then effectively act as if they don’t care. Sex isn’t always perfect – no matter how experienced you are or aren’t. There are other, better people out there – and you deserve someone much better (whether it’s the woman you had a date with, or someone else!).

    ps. I kind of feel like “good” and “bad” are less relevant than “compatible” when it comes to sex. Just a thought.

  5. Right, so as always I think that a lot of good advice was given. We always talk about communication. Thats a key thing but I also understand that to some people sex talk can be triggering.

    I remember this girl I dated who said I didnt know how to finger fuck her which totally made me question my whole sex life with my now wife. Its true that there isnt one way to fuck. Some of your usual tricks might not work on person A but they work well with B and even Better with C!!

    A lot of times I find that as queer people we still have these heteronormative expectations because of the way we look or present. I never would have thought in my whole entire life I would consider having a strap on used on me. I was always kind if like no i should use it because Im more MOC or whatever. Its not true.

  6. There’s no such thing as a person being bad in bed (apart from the ones that steal the sheets), just people who are bad for each other in bed. And your ex trained you to do things that didn’t work for her with those counterfeit orgasms. So the responsibilty for that is hers. We all start from scratch with each new person. You don’t have to log hours or notch bedposts.

  7. When I read this question I wanted to invite you over for dinner and give you a big hug and tell you that you deserve so much more out of life than this asshole ex. and the easiest way to be good in bed is to be in bed with someone who makes you feel good about yourself — and comfortable and uninhibited and relaxed.

  8. “It feels like you’re coming out late no matter when you come out. If you come out in your fifties you wish you’d come out in college. If you come out in college you wish it’d been high school. If you come out in high school you wish it’d been middle school. We as a society rely on personal history as a foundation for identity and without that history it can feel scary to declare that your identity is legitimate.”

    Thank you so so much for this advice! This is so true. I am in the my early 30s and came out relatively recently/am somewhat still in the process of coming out, and I feel like such a dinosaur. I wish I had come out at 23! I also feel scared of being judged about my sexual history with men and have really low confidence when it comes to sex with women – I don’t know what to do/like/ask for/communicate – aaah, just thinking about it stresses me out a bit. But I really appreciate this advice and people’s comments, made me feel a little better :)

    All of this to say…you’re not alone by any means, and wishing you (and all of us) an awesome sex life in the future :))

    • I’m on the bisexual side of queer so I know that it’s different for me than for monosexually queer people but I feel like I psyched myself way out about the difference between male-assigned and female-assigned bodies, and actually the main qualifier for good sex seems to be having someone you’re desperately interested in touching and comfortable hanging out naked with who feels the same way about you? I think I actually did myself some emotional damage (and wasn’t fair to my first serious GF) by being like UNLOCK ACHIEVEMENT: SUCCESSFULLY TOUCH THE V? HOW TO V OH NO when realistically calming down and enjoying being together as naked humans turned out to be way way more important to Doing Sex Good. We figured it out in the end! But I really wish I could send Past Me a text that just says “for serious, it’s going to be okay.”

  9. Everything Carolyn says is Bang On.

    Seriously, the first three women I had sex with I had *no idea* what I was doing and thought I was utterly, utterly shit at girl-girl sex. It wasn’t that the sex itself was bad – they were all great! But I was convinced that I was total rubbish.

    So much so that when I got together with my now partner I was SO SCARED about having sex with her cos it was SO IMPORTANT that it was magical and amazing…

    And it turned out that we are 100% compatible in bed and for the first time I thought ‘wow I’m actually really good at this’ and it’s magical and amazing and she tells me what she wants and I do that and hey guess what it works!

    But it took me a long time and a lot of getting past fear to get there and I just want to say, with the right person for YOU, you will be an absolute sex-fiend mega-star orgasm-producing dynamo. So do not worry!!

    And my god, your ex sounds like a complete idiot. I mean, admitting you’ve faked it *might* be okay in the right context but the rest of it? JEEZ, that’s not okay at all. I’m so sorry you had to hear all that shit :'(

    • I remember the second person I ever made out with telling me something very similar when I was concerned about my lack of experience, and I often think this might be some of the best advice I have ever received– not just in terms of sex advice, but because in life I believe one has to see every person as an individual to really connect with them.

  10. Your ex-girlfriend was a butt! That was not fair of her to herself, and not fair of her to you. Not everyone is going to be like that. Some people have a super, super hard time communicating clearly about sex, and they have to slog through their sex-communication issue, but that’s her slog, not yours. You don’t have some quality of being magically Bad At Sex; you and she together had a quality of being terrible at communicating about sex, mostly because she was having her own issues and lied about it to you. You’re fine. Read up, watch some stuff, maybe look for some quality Hermione/Bellatrix fanfiction, and do remember that not everyone is compatible but that if you keep dating you will find out what compatible looks and feels like and it’s going to be awesome.

    Also, don’t get bent out of shape about the femme/butch thing. That’s definitely how some people roll, but that just means those aren’t the people for you right now. Be upfront about what you want and I’m guessing you’ll find it.

  11. I’ve never forgotten the icy words of my first female fling:

    “It feels better when the person knows what they’re doing.”

    Things have gotten better since. But it did take me a while to get over that.

    There are better people on the way, trust me!

  12. Going to echo that what your ex did was NOT OKAY.

    I think the only way to be bad at sex is to not consider your partner’s needs. From what I’ve read here, I don’t think that’s a problem for you! :) Open, clear communication is the key, as it often is!

  13. Well I have to say, her faking it wasn’t way to communicate either. But as someone else mentioned, some people are not sexually compatible, these things to happen unfortunately :\

    Great advice.

    Confidence is #1 if someone doesn’t like your past then they can’t have your present or future. I never had a girl turn me down because I have been with guys and may again (I’m bi but more inclined towards women). As for coming out late, I realized/came out at 25! Some people come out at 50.

    I’ve had some pretty crappy experiences and relationships but you can’t let those hold you down, it only hurts you. Just change your perspective and the world opens up, instead of fear, it’s opportunity and excitement. I could have went down the road of fear but I didn’t.

    Practice makes perfect. On yourself, on others. Humans are complex beings. There is no formula to what works inside and outside the bedroom.

  14. Takes a whole lot of practice to get better :)! Trust me, I was never good at using my tongue when I first had sex with women but i just kept working at it

  15. When I first came out, I had so many of these concerns. It really sucks your ex wasn’t the best at communication and everything. I’ve been out for a few years now, and I have to say over time the insecurities drop. Especially once you have a healthy relationship with someone.

    I dated someone who would use their “gold star” status against me, and it was horrible. Now I realize that isn’t important at all.
    What is important is making sure you and your partner are on the same page always in regards to your sex life, and to realize everyone is going to have varying past no matter what.

  16. THIS! I totally feel for you. After my first gf broke up with me she went on to kiss many other girls and guys while I stayed single (I needed time to get over her and don’t relaly fuck around when single). She told me that after kissing other people it made her realize how bad of a kisser I was. When I finally was ready to start messing around with peoole, I was so terrified that I would be horrible and that they would think I was a bad kisser bc I had had almost no experience and the self confidence was out the window for a while. Fast forward to my much older and much more experienced new gf who thinks I’m super sexy and awesome and all I can say is fuck them all you are an awesome snowflake and don’t let ex’s tell you what’s up!

  17. This is fabulously written and I’m so happy to have happened upon it. I definitely feel for the girl because coming out at 23 can be scary, but at the same time when you come out isn’t typically something that makes or breaks you. I’m 23 and I have been out for nearly 8 or 9 years. I’ve had sex with different people and to be honest, each time it’s still a little nerve wrecking. Because everyone is different in what they want, what they don’t want, etc. But like you said, communication, confidence, and a lot of furious masturbating are the most helpful components of putting you in a good position to have some great sex. Thanks for posting this article, it’s a nice reminder sometimes when I’m feeling a bit nervous.

  18. This article was really helpful and gave me so much piece of mind! I also came out really late and haven’t had many relationships with women yet. I worry about my experience and how I present as somewhat masculine but am in no way a top. This was a nice reminder that I need to stop projecting and not worry about someones expectations until they are revealed to me. Reading this felt like a weight off of my shoulders :)

  19. Article is on point, but I might object to the Vice link.

    “Eating pussy is so gentle it can make you feel like a bit of a fag.”

    “After the slow licks it’s time to get this party started. There are essentially two types of clitori: ones that enjoy a serious going-over and ones that don’t. The latter suck about as much as a one-inch penis and you should dump her right away”

    *uncomfortable face emoji*

    • Yes! That article made me super uncomfortable. Didn’t expect Autostraddle to link to that kind of trash.

    • I agree! I actually stopped reading the Vice article in order to create an Autostraddle account (hi!) and post this. Despite it being 5 yrs after publication. That Vice article is so saturated with disrespect for the vulva and their carrier. Ugh. ALL clits, vulvas, the works are wonderful and sexy!
      Also super interesting how the writer uses cis-male analogies (only) of masturbating to describe oral on a clitoris. “After a few teasers and swirling circles, rat-a-tat-tat him senseless like a boxer whacking a speed bag.” Where did that come from?

  20. I also think it might be important to remember that because she was faking it instead of providing any constructive advice/help, you didn’t know that what you were doing wasn’t working for her. Therefore, why would you have tried doing something else that might have worked for her when you didn’t know that what you were previously doing wasn’t! It feels to me that she was quite unfair to you in this regard, and things may be very different with another partner.

  21. Dear writer,
    Your ex is a jerk. My late coming out and first sexual encounter with a girl was a dream. Not because of any confidence on my side -trust me- but because she kept telling me: there’s no wrongdoing here. So, really. Your ex is a jerk.

  22. Chemistry is a crazy thing. To me it’s usually very little about “skill” and more about “listening/feeling” your partner.

    And yes I also agree with the start from scratch with each new person sentiment. It can even be different with the same person. Like your first time might have been so so but then the chemistry changes and all of a sudden its some of the best sex you’ve ever had.

    Sex is supposed to be fun, or at least I hope so/for me etc so if you just relax and enjoy it you (and your partner) probably will!

  23. I keep thinking I’m going to suck but the people I experimented with in high school seemed to appreciate it a lot. But then, we were all also fucking the same shitty boys so I probably looked really good in comparison.

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