47 Breakfast Cereals, Ranked By Lesbianism

Happy National Cereal Day! I hope you are celebrating the day by buying yourself new cereal bowls at the retailer of your choice, or by reading a plethora of cereal-related content we’ve produced for you here at Autostraddle.com.

Today I took on the “impossible” challenge of ranking breakfast cereals by Lesbianism. It is an arbitrary scale that accounts for numerous factors and considers many concepts, including queer sexualities that are not specifically “lesbian.” Previously, we have ranked the following items by lesbianism: Law & Order characters, Emojis, First Names.

For this ranking, I solicited opinions from the various humans who work here at Autostraddle.com, and their quotes are attributed as necessary below.

Let’s dig in before your Corn Flakes get soggy, shall we!


47. Rip’s Big Bowl Engine 2 Plant Strong

“Strip for your honey dip
and never trust a man named Rip
or any man at all tbh”
– Lesbian proverb


46. Special K

What is the look that makes him look away forever tho

Special K is obsessed with making women lose weight through the compulsive consumption of processed carbohydrates and this feels like it is against the overall philosophy of lesbianism on multiple levels.


45. Hulk Cereal

so extra

My hulk will be feminist or it will be bullshit.


44. Multi-Grain Cheerios

We’re gay! We don’t want LESS woman, we want MORE WOMAN.


43. Life

Lesbians are pro-choice.


42. Cinnamon Life

Mey: Cinnamon Life
Because it’s an alternative lifestyle
For it to really work you need to write it as “life style”


41. Razzle Dazzle Rice Krispies

Much like the early LGBT Rights Movement, way too focused on gay men.


40. Oatmeal Squares

WE ARE NOT SQUARES, WE ARE A VERY ADVENTUROUS PEOPLE.


39. Cookie Crisp

the police state

dufrau: I was looking at cookie crisp thinking they used to have a criminal for a mascot and striped shirts are gay, but he didn’t even wear stripes. Anyway he got replaced by his dog sidekick who got replaced by a wolf for reasons nobody can explain. I don’t know if this is gay, but it feels like it’s not.


38. Cinnamon Toast Crunch

This cereal box is lesbian erasure because it features a picture of a man holding a tray of cinnamon toast instead of a lesbian shopping for cinnamon toast at Whole Foods. However Yvonne likes it “as a midnight snack,” so it’s still worthy of honor.


37. Cracklin’ Oat Bran

The “Os” are for all the orgasms lesbians have that straight women don’t. Also if you run out of hoop earrings, you can use this cereal as oral sex target practice.


36. Honey Nut Cheerios

CarolynHoney Nut Cheerios are gay because they are ubiquitous, just like homosexuality


35. Grape Nuts

Lucy: Healthy, vegetarian (prob vegan?) and crunchy. Also versatile, can be the top(ping) or bottom on a parfait.


34. Apple Jacks

Stef: there was a lot of bullying associated with liking apple jacks in their commercials in the 80s
BUT IT DOESN’T TASTE LIKE APPLES
they’re probably gay
Mey: I feel like anything with jack in the name is pretty gay (edited)
Lumberjack, jack halbestam, a cute mechanic using a jack- this is evidence for Apple Jacks


33. Honey Bunches Of Oats


Carolyn: “Honey bunches of oats are gay because there’s a granola component and they contain lots of flakes, just like many gay people.”


32. Nut ‘n Honey

Laneia: oh you know what’s lesbian is nut ‘n honey, bc the men would be like “what are you eaaaating?” and the woman would say “nut’n honey” and the dumb man would keep staring at the sports tv, but what if the woman was really eating cereal while fingerbanging the neighbor?


31. Rasin Bran

This cereal box has been edited by me to ensure you get the fisting joke

Much like your girlfriend’s vagina after a very long bath in a polluted swamp, Rasin Brans are shriveled up, vaguely fruity and a wee bit soggy. But good!


30. Frosted Flakes

Alaina: “because tony the tiger but three Rs in grrreat just like grrrl”


29. Trix

Cameron: Personally identifying with Trix these days. Feeling very close to the rabbit who just wants a bowl of cereal and can’t because some assholes made up fake rules for rabbits.


28. Cap ‘n Crunch

You may think that Cap ‘n Crunch’s clear worship of the hetero patirarchy, aristocracy and the military-industrial complex would give it a low score on the scale of “lesbian” to “LESBIAN.”

But, if you knew that the cereal’s famed flavor coating was invented by a microbiologist named Pamela Low who never married and spent her retirement in New Hampshire with “her Boston Terrier, Casey, and later another Boston Terrier named Winnie”… what then? What then.


27. Weirdly Named Off-Brand Cereal That’s All You Can Afford After The Non-Profit You Used to Work For Got Its Funding Cut

AM I DOING IT RIGHT IS THIS THE SPOT

Heather Davidson: I feel like ‘Weirdly Named Off-Brand Cereal That’s All You Can Afford After The Non-Profit You Used to Work For Got Its Funding Cut’ has to be ranked somewhere. We’ve all lived that honey loopers life at some point.


26. Honey Smacks

Valerie: Honey Smacks look like… something… inappropriate…if you’re 12 like me. And also they are called Honey Smacks.
Dufrau: I dunno about Honey Smacks. The name feels right but frogs just feel mad hetero to me.
Mey: Frogs can literally change their reproductive organs if they’re in female only spaces so they can give birth without males
Riese: woah
Alyssa: YESSSSSSS
Mey: It’s the plot of Jurassic park!
Alyssa: hold onto your butts!
Mey: They use frog DNA to fill in the gaps and that’s why the dinosaurs are reproducing in the wild


25. Morning O’s

These are the O’s you have alone under the covers while your ex (who still lives with you and still sleeps in your bed) is in the shower!


24. Gorilla Munch

Lizz Rubin, via our 2012 Cereal Roundtable: I feel comfortable openly telling you that Gorilla Munch is a knock off of Kix, but really it’s so much more! For one, it’s gluten free. For another, there is a picture of a Gorilla on the front! When I’m out eating it in public I can tell what people are thinking. “Holy shit! That girl eats the same thing as a gluten free gorilla!” Nobody fucks with someone who eats like a gorilla and is also trying to reduce their gluten intake. No one.


23. Shredded Wheat

Dufrau: shredded wheat is basically hay bales, lesbians love farming


22. Girl Scout Cookies Cereal

As we learned yesterday, working at Girl Scout camp is a great way to meet a wife!


21. Finding Nemo Cereal

There’s an Ellen DeGeneres in every box!


20. Count Chocula


Heather: my vote is count chocula due to every other lesbian being a vampire and also you can link to erin’s mike pence tampons post
Stef: count chocula is definitely a lesbian
Heather: jinx!
Stef: heather JINX
GREAT MINDS, MY FRIEND
Molly: if you take the “o” out of count it’s even better


19. Kashi Go Lean

Crystal: we eat kashi go-lean in my household
[my wife] katie likes to strike up convos about kashi with all the ladies in the cereal aisle
also it’s the only cereal we agree on. it’s the compromise cereal of our lesbian r/ship


18. Kashi Sweet Potato Sunshine

“Sweet potato sunshine” is my safe word.


17. Fruit Loops

Mey: Bowl of fruit loops put in the microwave for 45 seconds is very gay


16. Reeses Puffs

Audrey: Reese’s Puffs are the most bisexual cereal, for people who want to have it both ways with chocolate AND peanut butter.


15. Steel Cut Oats

Steel cut is a little-known lesbian haircut. Furthermore, queers have been known to enjoy steel-toed boots.


14. Annie’s Homegrown Fruity Bunnies

It will surprise exactly nobody that Annie (who we all know is queer) didn’t have to leave her home to find those fruity bunnies.


13. Active Balance Buckwheat & Qunioa

Way back in history, like shortly after dinosaurs roamed the earth, ancient tribes of lesbians were known to build their group shelters and gender-neutral bathrooms out of buckwheat and quinoa. You should try it. You’ll feel good!


12. Rice Krispies

Lesbians love hats!

Since 1929, Rice Krispies have been bringing the tender story of a cheerful lesbian triad into the homes and mouths of innocent schoolchildren all over the world. Poly propaganda at its FINEST.


11. Fruity Pebbles With Marshmallows

Marshmallow shapes include dolphins (aka gay sharks) and clams

Mey: I love fruity pebbles and all sorts of sugar cereal and I don’t like being kinkshamed abt it


10. A Taste of Honey Cereal

JUST a taste??!!!

I wanted to stay away from discontinued cereals but I could’t stay away from the sweet sweet temptation of a taste of honey cereal.


9. Organic Wild Puffs

“I hope the Organic Wild Puffs are playing at the Ohio Women’s Music Festival this year”
– a thing a lesbian has probably said


8. Muffets

um


7. Wheaties

yes a lesbian DID cut my hair why do you ask

Lucy: Wheaties — mainly for the box covered with hot athletes.

Fun fact: Wheaties put a lesbian on its box in 1935. Did any of you put a lesbian in your box or otherwise-identified genitalia in 1935? I didn’t think so. That makes Wheaties gayer than you. Unfortunately I cannot find a picture of the 1935 Babe Didrickson Wheaties box on the internet, which makes me never want to eat again!!!!


6. Frosted Mini-Spooners

Mini-Spooners, y’all. MINI SPOONERS. “Frosted Mini-Spooners” is my Safe Space Word.


5. Organic Indigo Morning

Organic promises are gayer than regular promises

The official breakfast cereal of my favorite Spotify Radio station for “a morning drive to the gym when the news is too depressing to listen to NPR,” “Indigo Girls Radio.”


4. Frankenberry

HONEY DO YOU LIKE MY MANICURE

AHEM.


3. Lucky Charms

Actual picture of a 19-year-old lesbian who just had sex with a woman for the first time

Dufrau: “Lucky Charms has actual rainbows you can eat. Plus stealing leprechaun treasure is basically antiquing, which is gayer than rainbows.”


2. Granola

are u fucking kidding me, two moms in the raw

Tied with hummus as the official food of the lesbian / bisexual / queer people. Granola is the crunch beneath our feet, the light of our loins and our reason for believin’. All this and more: Granola. (For more exposure to granola, please attend Laneia’s “Granola as Resistance” workshop at A-Camp 2017)


1. Good Friends Cereal


They’re just good friends!


Okay folks, now it’s your turn. I can’t wait to hear about which cereals you think I should’ve included or ranked differently, so please do NOT hold back. Also just a REMINDER that not all women have vaginas so please stay away from jokes about nuts and balls being inherently man-adjacent, thank you! Tell me how you are celebrating this important holiday. Tell me if you like to microwave your grape nuts or not. Tell me everything!

Riese is the 39-year-old Co-Founder and CEO of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 2851 articles for us.

89 Comments

  1. Shouldn’t the dazzle Rice Krispies be ahead of the regular ones? It’s the same three dudes, but with I’m getting ready to party flair and it’s a rainbow colored cereal.

    Most of these cereals are pretty good tbh, and currently a fan of Trader Joe branded shredded wheats(the regular flavor). I think the fact that I like to eat it, makes it gay/queer.

    • This reminded me that in high school, one of my best friends scolded me for laughing at a guy’s shirt that was a homophobic take on the Trix slogan (which I won’t repeat here). This was before I had any conscious clue that I was other-than-straight, and was also the first time I saw one of my friends actively stick up for gay people. So in a very roundabout way maybe Trix played a part in my eventual coming out? Anyway I give it +1 lesbian points just in case.

  2. Shreddies hired my pal to do some graphic design work on their commercial here in canada a couple years ago. She and her wife are probably still working their way through all the boxes of Shreddies the company sent them

  3. So glad that “cereal” is a tag on Autostraddle. I really appreciate all the cereal content.

    My main question here is where can I buy a 3 pound box of Honey Bunches of Oats?? That sounds so amazing.

    Also I would just like to say that I totally agree with Yvonne, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is such a good midnight snack!

  4. “oh you know what’s lesbian is nut ‘n honey, bc the men would be like “what are you eaaaating?” and the woman would say “nut’n honey” and the dumb man would keep staring at the sports tv, but what if the woman was really eating cereal while fingerbanging the neighbor?”

    ILY Laneia

  5. okay, i see your granola and raise you “homemade granola.” my mom (who is straight but is WERKING the birkenstock-lesbian aesthetic harder than any lesbian i know) makes it and it’s fcking delicious. I’m going to call her tonight and get the recipe and post it here so that you, too, can bask in the awesomeness of making your own damn cereal.

    • Please share your mom’s recipe!

      I have been making my own granola for several years. And it’s glorious!
      But sometimes it leads to sad moments because I grew up on a lot of this sugary stuff (mostly Smacks) and now that’s all just bleah in comparison. Sometimes I miss liking it. But only sometimes. The other times there’s a bowl of homemade granola waiting for breakfast!

      • 5 cups rolled oats
        2 cups wheat bran cereal (grape nuts)
        1 cup slivered almonds
        1/2 cup sunflower seeds
        1 tsp ground cinnamon
        1/2 cup honey
        1/2 cup sunflower or corn oil
        1 cup dried cranberries (or raisins but i hate raisins)

        Heat oven to 300. Line a large, shallow roasting pan with aluminum foil. In a large bowl, combine the oats, bran cereal, almonds, sunflower seeds, and cinnamon.
        In a 1-qt saucepan, heat the honey and oil just until bubbles appear around the side of the pan. Pour the honey mixture over the oat mixture and toss until well combined.
        Spread the granola evenly in the foil-lined pan. Bake 40 to 50 minutes or until it’s golden, stirring every 10 minutes. Stir in the cranberries.

        YAY GRANOLA

    • And even better is that making your own is so easy!
      2 cups each oats, rye, and barley flakes
      1 cup unsweetened coconut shreds
      1 cup sunflower or pumpkin seeds
      1 cup mixed nuts
      1 tsp each cinnamon and ginger
      Stir in a half cup or so of honey or maple syrup

      Bake at 300 for 10 minutes, stir, then another 10.
      Add dried fruit after baking.
      The variations are endless.

    • Someone once told me when you’re outta cereal you can pop some popcorn (air popper) and eat it with milk, like a cold cereal. We tried it once and it was surprisingly decent. It’s gay because it’s DIY health food kind of like granola.

    • I do have to say that granola you made yourself is actually the most lesbian cereal. I first had it at a vegetarian coop I lived in for a summer, they would make it in huge batches.

      Now my wife makes it at the wood-fired sourdough bread bakery she works at, which is run by a woman. I don’t eat it because they like to include whole buckwheat groats, which taste bitter. So.

    • Yours are almost the same as mine! And as already mentioned, variations are endless anyway. :)

      I start with almonds and hazelnuts, first roasting them alone and caramelizing them with honey. Then adding a mix of several grains (usually oats, barley, rye, spelt, sunflower, etc), roasting, adding honey and cinnamon and more roasting.
      And I eat it with yoghurt and fresh apple (or in the summer with strawberries or raspberries). Hmmmmmm…

      But I always roast it in a large pan on the stove. It’s time consuming because it needs to be stirred a lot and blackens very fast if you step away for only a minute. I have to try it in the oven now, maybe that’s easier.

    • This is the only cereal that makes sense. All other cereals are just like, a manic marketing attempt full of contradicting bad ideas. Scrolling through these I felt so much empathy for the marketing execs who prematurely aged trying to come up with something, anything, they could slap on a shelf as servable with milk.

      We had a cool cereal that was like Mueslix that was called Uncle Sam’s cereal, so it still falls under the marketing freak-out need to make it a European cereal into an American product. Lol.

  6. My queer grandmother was very devoted to grape nuts, so I think those should be higher on this list. I also got my love of shredded wheat from jer, so I’m glad to see those are appropriately highly rated (although I’ve never seen them called either mini-spoons or muffets?)

    Does anyone else remember grape nut o’s? Those were the perfect cereal, and extremely lesbian.

  7. As a bisexual with a sweet tooth I would like to thank you for giving the green light to make Reese’s Puffs part of The Culture. Peanut butter is a vegetarian queer’s best friend, no?
    No glitter required for the pride parade this year…..just fistfuls of cereal.

  8. I did some investigation into Two Moms In The Raw, because I didn’t actually believe that was a real brand name. Miraculously it was, but they’ve since changed their name to the decidedly hetero Soul Sprout (apparently “millennials and even men” had trouble connecting with the original name). The article I read about this rebranding includes this very important information for all lesbian cereal eaters:

    “The company decided to add options with ‘mainstream fruits’ to reach consumers who may not like the slightly sour and more tart tang of the superfruit options, which include Gotta Getta Gojiberry and Go for Goldenberry, Fray said.”

    Oh, those mainstream fruits.

    • Malt-O-Meal cereals receive queer lady bonus pints for being cheaper but just as tasty-perfect for those living under higher poverty rates and wage gaps-and for their mascot being a cool single mama kangaroo!

  9. Ricicles. I have found, in my extensive research for this comment, that you don’t have them in the U.S.! I don’t know how you get through the day.

    Just look at the box. Also they have a jingle with its own made up words set to music – “we like Ricicles, they’re twicicles as nicicles, we like ricicles they’re twicicles as nice”. They’re elusive, like not all the shops have them, there was none in the village I used to live in for example. Plus I eat them all the time so I thought they should be at least mentioned on this list.

  10. Y’all have a LOT of cereal choices in the US! This list was awesome, I cant decide between #20 #32 and #37 as my favorite but they did make me laugh out loud in the middle of the office…..

    I live for these lists!!!! Riese please keep gaying up everyday normal things!!

  11. *dying*. Chronic pain is actually immobilising me rn and thank you, autostraddle and muffets. Also *surely* fruity pebbles is an inuendo. Also indigo morning: some kind of queer/ literary Alice Walker fan person crossover waiting to happen, no?

  12. I would suggest that Multi-Grain Cheerios is very bi/poly/omni/pansexual (or -romantic). Because, y’know, MULTI-Grain.

    Also relevant if you’re a polyamorous WLW with other women (or femmes). *nods*

  13. Good friends who eat cereal together. Cereal which is something most ppl have before they go out in the morning. Mostly before they get dressed. Someone sharing that = more than just good friends. Two women on box = gay.
    Also I love Reece’s Puffs but I feel a bit unsure if you’re just being American or if you’re reclaiming it. Over here puffs is a homophobic word for men. I’m proud of myself this week cos my stepdad used it so I reminded him that some of the toughest ppl of all time have been gay do it’s a stupid way to accuse someone of being a wimp.

  14. I feel personally attacked over the “Morning O’s”, as a queer girl living with my ex for almost a year now who still sleeps in my bed sometimes. Is this a common gay thing??????

Contribute to the conversation...

Yay! You've decided to leave a comment. That's fantastic. Please keep in mind that comments are moderated by the guidelines laid out in our comment policy. Let's have a personal and meaningful conversation and thanks for stopping by!