Stock photo sites are very slowly getting better, and Shutterstock is mostly excellent, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t still ridiculous. (My favorites are the captions, where a photo of two women spooning naked in bed tends to be called something like “best friends relaxing together.”)
Lesbian stock photography is often silly or awkward, especially when it comes to sex. And even though many kink-themed photos seem to be trying many more are misguided at best. Enjoy this journey through stock photography, then take a crack at captioning your own at the end!
All the photos below are via shutterstock.com.
25 Pictures Of Lesbian Kink According To Stock Photography
Kristen Stewart on a dark night
There. I killed the spider. Can we go out for brunch now?
i don’t think this is the right kind of rope
i don’t know where you’re going with this
if i don’t hold my hands up like this these cuffs fall off
UNSAFE DO NOT DO THIS
All your “vague doppelganger of Lucy Lawless” fantasies are about to be real
i don’t think you were supposed to cuff yourself to me, I don’t think this is how this works
Don’t worry guys i figured it out!
I’m ready for my surprise! I hope it’s confetti cake.
Best view ever
SAN DIMAS HIGH SCHOOL ROCKS!
no one holding a whip would ever be pissed at me for just grabbing it right
no it’s my turn
i can’t believe we just match isn’t that great it’s so great
Pull hair from the roots, not from the ends
Do you like these? We blew them ourselves.
just keep smiling i have no idea
Hey are those your car keys in the punch bowl?
Boobs Are The New Vases
Soooo are we gonna do this or is it just gonna be a photo sesh?
What if instead of hitting you properly i just hang out here for a while?
Your turn! How would you caption this one?
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Ryan Yates was the NSFW Editor (2013–2018) and Literary Editor for Autostraddle.com, with bylines in Nylon, Refinery29, The Toast, Bitch, The Daily Beast, Jezebel, and elsewhere. They live in Los Angeles and also on twitter and instagram.
Ryan has written 1142 articles for us.
Mind not working. Number 12 is extra hot.
lesbian spit chain
The human getting their hair pulled in 18 has the most gorgeous boobs.
This is what, “I enjoy long walks in the park.” really means.
“Spruce up your bondage look with a pretty ribbon on your thigh!”
Its like you’re channeling Cosmo and their ability to utterly get it wrong.
Y’all I snorted laughed, commenting at it’s finest.
“Bows, Bangs, and Bondage, the new look for the new you in 2015! Also, feel bad about yourself, just because.”
“15 things that we are trying desperately to make sound shocking and sexy that are really dull to read about about, poorly written, and completely miss the mark while still making you feel like a horrible, unattractive person and marginalizing anyone who is even vaguely different!
Plus, an interview with yet another celebrity without any meaning, depth, or insight and pictures of them standing awkwardly against a single color backdrop with one hand on their hip!”
I should totally write for Cosmo.
But you’re too quick witted. :p
You just need a blurb on the side selling something that makes you more attractive and better at blow jobs so you can get/keep a dude. Something like $500 mascara made from puppy blood, real human tears, and subcutaneous scrotal tissue.
But yes, I hope this isn’t your calling.
25. Whips and chains excite me! Speaking of which the whips tasted better than these chains.
Laughing so hard at this.
Yours wins. I’m dying.
25. getting ready for winter
Dying at the captions.
Also a little glad I wasn’t the only one that thought that #1 looked like KStew.
25. Somehow I don’t think this is what they meant when they said to have more iron in my diet.
I don’t think my braces are supposed to look like this. I couldn’t turn down this dental financing plan, though.
Some of these women just have dead eyes. Like their agents booked them a gig, and they didn’t find out what they’d be doing until they showed up the day of.
On a lighter note, the ladies in #16 look like they would be fun to take clubbing or somethings. Or like they’re already DJs with some kind of schtick.
I’m trying to come up with a caption for #25 but I can’t even because of #20.
I don’t and I can’t.
My mind is stuck.
#20 happened at the NOLA holigay meetup that didn’t happen! Don’t you feel better that it didn’t happen now?!?
Cause if it was a thing that happened I could have been there and asked, “Y’all what the fuck are ya doing!?” and gotten some damned answers.
I’ll live, just live with the confusion but it’s nothing too special for a bisexual gemini person.
Confusion is probably my natural state like a naked on a fresh outta the birth canal newborn. *drama face*
Well, we have two options here. I can explain #20 to you potentially causing much more confusion. But here’s a hint, it involves a scene that was edited out of the princess bride. Or since our holigays are really just beginning, we could have an actual holigay meetup, and hope to run into this just so you can ask questions.
I have questions too. Mostly for that poor tree…
Everything comes back to the Princess Bride doesn’t it?
By “our” holigays I assume you mean Carnivale season because no holiday is more filled with holigayness like a New Orleans Mardi Gras.
Which if #20 was drag queens instead of models it would start to make sense and have context. Alcohol and the tree is just a pole in costume or a part of a wonderfully naughty lumberjack costume.
#19 ‘Male gaze? What male gaze? Lying around in curvy positions pouting at the ceiling is how we always get it on’
It’s not the male gaze! It is a little known fact that most lesbians suffer from Sinewaveaphilia! It’s why we lie around arching all the time, we’re attracted to curves. *rimshot*
(It is however not a little known fact that I just made that shit up after five minutes searching the internet to check to see if there was a real word for that. Instead I found out that there is a great homeomorphic/bi continuous function joke lurking here somewhere. Or would be if I didn’t utterly fail at maths and maths related jokes.)
Where are the women of color? This reminds me of soft porn for men.
Pretty sure it *is* soft porn for men- I’d be surprised if a major stock photography company was specifically targeting queer women.
25. I totally stole my eye makeup from Ozzy Osbourne but couldn’t find a bat to geek so… do the chains work?
#25 pewww… defanatleeey NOT a cheezburger…..
#23 is really hot, though.. and @rie #18 YES! phenomenal boobs… that was my immediate reaction as well.
#25: “Susan presents her dissertation topic”.
“My orthodontist is gonna be mad.”
#20 Let’s do the teething puppy scene!
#25: Can you take me for my walk now?
The captions are so funny! I burst out laughing several times.
Maybe #25 would make a good advertisement?
“Melts in your mouth, not in your hands.”
25. “Walk me like one of your French Bulldogs.”
still not over how deeply awkward #15 is. it’s like they were given a tip that lesbians use their hands for sex and they got confused somewhere along the way. “omg i can’t believe we’re totally doing it lesbian style for this photo shoot.”
The foundation on the face of girl #8 is horrible.
But #11 is pretty hot. I mean that would be a welcome surprise to come home to.
#25 “♪Why’d you have to go and make things so complicaaated?♪” (Yeah, that one gave me serious Avril Lavigne flashbacks).
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