Lesbian Stock Photography is Awkward, So Is This Song For Lindsay Lohan

AWKWARD STOCK PHOTOS:

For those of you who need to waste an entire Sunday afternoon, or for those of you who have criticisms of our choices of images for our posts: we bring you Awkward Stock Photos, our newest tumblr obsession. Stock photography is hilARIOUS!

Well firstly –who knows what stock photography is raise your hand. Okay – Teachable moment: Stock photography agencies pay photographers for unlimited royalty-free usage of their images, and then publishers/magazines/websites purchase memberships to said agency’s website where they can access heaps of hypothetical situations, acted out by models. Work arguments! Walking on the beach! Wedding parties! Homosexuals! Children drawing with crayons! It’s like b-roll, but for print! Popular choices include Getty Images, Corbis, Photos.com, Shutterstock, Thinkstock, or our personal favorite, Queerstock.

Ever wondered — where have I seen that photo of the two girls almost-kissing before? The answer: EVERYWHERE. Any of these look familiar to you?

Exhibit A: Most. Popular. Lesbian. Stock. Photos. Ever.

The funniest part of Getty stock photography is that you get a little purview into what mainstream photography studios anticipate lesbians will need for their media.

Awkward stock photography? Oh honey. We’ve got plenty.

Exhibit B: Leaving Nothing Up to the Imagination

Exhibit C: “Female Homosexual Couple Romancing”

These two chicks are EVERYWHERE. Must have been a fun photo shoot. Hey, did you know that lesbian sex involves closing your eyes, staring longingly at bra straps, rubbing noses, and tugging uncomfortably at one another’s clothing? WELL IT DOES.

Exhibit D: Lesbians Like Holding Hands

Along with “we’re in bed on our laptops!”, “our kid LOVES his gay parents!” and “wedding cake with two chicks on top”; “holding hands” is a key lesbian stock photography trope.

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Exhibit E: Just Awkward

Sometimes it’s just awkward.

Well, that was fun. Now onto the rest of the daily fix.

In Which Rachel Breaks the Moratorium on Lindsay Lohan Posts Without Executive Permission

MICHAEL LOHAN:

I’m unclear on whether this breaks our Lindsay Lohan Moratorium, but I’m really hoping Riese lets me keep it because honestly, you guys, this is kind of amazeballs or whatever you kids say nowadays. Remember when Lindsay posted that song on youtube for her “ex-father” and you were torn between kind of laughing a little because who posts a song on youtube to express their feelings to their estranged father and feeling weird and sad for her because really, who posts a song on youtube to express their feelings to their estranged father?

ANYHOW, now you can experience this whole range of feelings once again, along with the feelings of “disgust” and “disbelief” and “possible spit-takes from laughing.” Basically what I am trying to say is that Michael Lohan has recorded his own song, to say in really schmaltzy words on tape to Lindsay what he could never say in words that were not set to music and relayed by a lawyer.

Highlights include, “A father’s love will never die / See things through / No matter the reasons why.” and “If you need me, dear/my love is still alive.” Enjoy, and feel free to memorize the lyrics for karaoke night this weekend. And then record and upload the results. JUST SAYING. (@gawker)

KRISTEN STEWART:

In the constant public conversation about KStew’s “bad attitude”/dislike of paparazzi/inability to conduct interviews, the latest important point is made by KStew herself – would people still feel that way about her if she was a dude? “Being a public figure, I’m supposed to present myself in a certain way, but it’s hard and you’re never going to be able to tell people who you are properly,” she said. “It’s sort of impossible. It’s much easier for a guy to say what he wants and not to be cute and funny all the time, but, if you’re a strong sort of woman, you’re just, for lack of a better word, a bitch.” Well played! (@ontd)

SUCKER PUNCH:

I hadn’t heard of this movie before, and while that doesn’t mean anything because I mean I’ve never even seen Titanic, I thought maybe there was a chance you haven’t either? It’s called Sucker Punch and it has a lot of girls with guns and short skirts and it’s being called “Alice in Wonderland with machine guns.” Obvs Dorothy Snarker has the breakdown for you at AfterEllen. (@afterellen)

OIL SPILL:

We don’t know what to do about it either, but we did find this video of the Kinsey Sicks, a drag a capella quartet, singing about it. So there’s that. (@advocate)

Rachel is Autostraddle's Managing Editor and the editor who presides over news & politics coverage. Originally from Boston, MA, Rachel now lives in the Midwest. Topics dear to her heart include bisexuality, The X-Files and tacos. Her favorite Ciara video is probably "Ride," but if you're only going to watch one, she recommends "Like A Boy." You can follow her on twitter and instagram.

Rachel has written 1080 articles for us.

25 Comments

  1. i haven’t seen titanic either. at this point it’s kind of the cliche thing i say when someone asks if i’ve seen a movie which inevitably i have never even heard of.

  2. Pingback: Lesbian Stock Photography is Awkward, So Is This Song For Lindsay Lohan – Autostraddle (blog) | My Bargain Photography

  3. “Hey, did you know that lesbian sex involves closing your eyes, staring longingly at bra straps, rubbing noses, and tugging uncomfortably at one another’s clothing?”

    Is it weird that this is exactly what lesbian sex is like for me? Are you making fun of me guys?!

  4. Man, hand holding without entwining fingers is so lame and clinical. I don’t even hold hands with my super-platonic-friends without some finger locking. Am I the only person who gets bothered by seeing this in images/scenes on tv and movies??! It’s driving me crazy!

    • Sometimes my girlfriend and I don’t lock fingers. Probably because our big, bulky lesbian rings make it uncomfortable. Either that or we don’t want to get tangled in case we need to quickly rub each others’ noses.

      • I wasn’t saying that people are lame and clinical if they don’t lock fingers when they hold hands, just to be clear hahah. I just would find it a little more believable in terms of a scene or a photo, if it’s trying to demonstrate that ‘hey these people are totes in love/having crazy awesome sex’, if their body language was a bit more intimate.

        Also, I just feel uncomfortable holding hands in the non finger-locking way for some reason. It’s just a me thing really.

  5. So that picture of those two girls almost kissing is TOTALLY the cover of Crush, a YA novel you guys TOTALLY reviewed like, forever ago, and I TOTALLY read it (and Empress of the World) and then came out of the closet.
    Ahhhhhhh Nostalgia.

  6. you know that feeling you get when someone starts singing badly in front of you and you get really embarrassed for yourself and them so you try to walk out of wherever you are? that michael lohan song did that for me.

  7. As someone who used to work extensively with stock photos, I must heartily thank you for linking that tumblr. I remember that I used to save my favorites and email them to my (in the office) friends. I can’t remember what they all were, though, just that some of them were MESSED UP. (Like that creepy sand-face one. Uhhhh whut)

  8. Speaking of photos but almost completely off topic, thanks to Autostraddle, I now take everyday situations and turn them into “how many things are gay about this picture?” games. For example, on Saturday, I went to a baseball game. At some point, I looked around and saw a girl climbing up the stairs to get to her seat. How many things were gay about that picture? Fauxhawk, sunglasses, white tank top, possibly no bra, plaid shorts, shorts that go to the knee, beer, those horseshoe shaped earrings, tattoos, and probably whatever footwear she had chosen.

    And just so you know, nearly that exact same scenario happened twice. Those two had to know each other.

    Oh, and the best part? During the part where they recognize groups that came and show messages that people buy on the giant scoreboard, there was “Steve, will you marry me? Greg”. It was amazing.

    Okay, now that everyone knows how creepy I am when I stare at people and how tangentially my brain works, we can return to talking about those weird/amusing stock photos.

  9. I see that stock photographers have a problem when they actually try to think of something that lesbians do when they’re not makingoutandthenhavinghotsex.

    And um, this is kinda off-topic, but why am I getting ads for wedding gowns?

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