Would you rather shave your eyebrows off or dye them pink?
I would rather dye them pink that way it matches the “Pussy-Hat” I have to wear to every women’s march.
Fuck/Marry/Kill: Lena Dunham, a Magic 8 Ball, an Ugg Boot.
I would kill the Ugg Boot, that trend should have been over the day after it started. I would fuck the Magic 8 Ball. It’s black and it has the answers to all of the questions I pose in a yes/no format. I would marry Lena Dunham and quickly proceed to use spousal guilt to finally get her to cast some black women on HBO’s Girls.
Complete this sentence: My first kiss was…
Pretty good. I had good taste even in the 3rd grade. He was cute and had a shag.
If you were a sandwich what kind would you be?
Probably peanut butter and jelly. Peanut butter has a lot of protein and jelly has a lot of sugar. There are some good and bad things in it, but it all balances out in the end. And it doesn’t go down very easily.
Cake or pie?
Cake. I don’t like cooked fruit. It’s unnatural.
What’s the first place you were ever paid to do comedy?
The Purple Onion. It was a bringer show so my family and friends paid me; the venue didn’t.
If you had to get a tattoo on your face what would it be?
A black power fist mixing a power kale salad inside of a teardrop under my left eye. I’m a black lesbian in The Struggle; it’s appropriate.
If you could hear fruit scream would you still eat it?
It depends. If it was like a sexy Prince scream, yes. If it’s like a blood-curdling Steven Tyler scream, no cuz that would scare the hell out of me.
Favorite Ben & Jerry’s flavor?
I don’t eat Ben & Jerry’s. People should step their frozen dessert game up. Cold Stone Creamery Cake Batter ice cream will change your life.
Are you a cat person or a dog person?
Neither. I am a fish person. They can’t leave the bowl. They are only there to dazzle me with their pretty colors. I raised a child so I don’t need something else to clean up after and take outdoors. Fish only need H2O and food flakes.
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My favorite questions are the F/M/K with 1 person and 2 inanimate objects. These are great and hilarious. Thanks!
I enjoyed all of this but this was my fave:
‘Between Jared Leto and a school bus, technically I’d rather marry a school bus, but I don’t want to see a person die.’
WHAT can happen as a result of ‘disuse’?? This is important information.
I’d like to see broader poll results of the no more sex vs. no more Internet question, with distribution across different age groups to see if it correlates with the supposed trend of younger people having less sex and spending more time online. Failing that, the F/M/K questions were my favourite.
I am so excited to read part 2 of this, and also I love Sara Benincasa
this was so funny hi
hi and thanks!
i had to google both “brats” and “scottie pippen” and i feel much more prepared for my trip to chicago now
Don’t forget to take lots of sweatpants!
fun fact: I own zero sweatpants because I wear yoga pants that riese recommended on this site like 7 years ago
I guess I need to step up my pants game
another happy customer of my excellent fashion advice
this was very enjoyable to read
^so was this
I needed this! Sooo funny! :)
Don’t mock our tall bread pies!
Don’t mock our tall bread pies!
But this was amazing. More please!
Episode 2: https://www.autostraddle.com/10-stupid-questions-with-10-hilarious-queer-women-part-2-378646
This was great