Here’s a secret: What The L Word really did for lesbiankind was to cover all the lingo and bad jokes right off the bat, thus protecting Senior Lesbians from having to school Baby Dykes every other minute because they’ve all already seen The L Word and therefore already know about 100-footers, U-Hauling and nipple confidence. JUST KIDDING NIPPLE CONFIDENCE ISN’T A THING. That one is there just to make sure you’re paying attention. Anyhow this is when Alice explains 100-footers to Jenny.

I just had sex with Romi Klinger and it was awesome and I do not give a flying fuck

Jenny wants them to tell her what she is — femme? 50-footer? really weird? — and they’re like, just You do You.

I just learned how to scissor!

What the girls DON’T KNOW is that Whitney Mixter has her eye on Jenny because does Whitney love crazy-ass bitches? Yes, yes she does, not gonna lie.

Is this pickle filled with tequila?

We then canoe all the way back to Los Angeles Artscene, where Candace and Bette are packing up their Cuban Sexy feast and giving each other sexy danger-eyes.

No really it’s okay, you can take the leftovers, I was gonna just eat you for lunch tomorrow

We then build a river out of pudding and swim on back to Palm Springs, California, home of my $8,000 medical bill, where the ladies, still wearing the same clothes they’ve had on since fleeing Los Angeles in the dead of night, are hitting up the White Party.

Okay everybody do a really quick shot and then we’ll see what’s going on with those weirdos behind us

Jenny gets drunk with some Canadian extras and recaps the first ten episodes for them so they don’t have to go look it up on TWOP.

Wow, I can’t believe you did all that just for a piece of toast!

Jenny explains how Marina lied to her and destroyed her relationship with Timothy while keeping hers completely intact and then she realizes she’s telling her coming out story. The party lezzers chant TELL IT TELL IT like a bunch of over-grape-juiced pre-schoolers at storytelling time, what is going on here.

Riese: Um, no, they’d be more like TAKE IT OFF TAKE IT OFF
Laneia: literally no one wants to hear this story
Riese: except me in 2004
Laneia: ok valid
but not the people at the white party!

And then BOOM! I stabbed her in the throat with a banana!

Thus Jenny launches in to her big story, which let’s just be grateful she’s telling it out loud instead of whispering it via EZ Girl.

Jenny: “I’m at the party, and there she is. I see Marina. She was possibly the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen. Later on that night, she followed me into the bathroom, and then she does it, the thing— am I crazy? am i drunk? am I hallucinating? And then she does it… the thing that would go on to confuse me and fuck with all the things stable in my life…”

Jenny says they had the best sex in the history of sex, because this was before The Real L Word came out, so.

But did you ever try sticking a vibrating phone in her rectum?

The other lezbians get really into it, especially when Jenny notes that Marina told her “I think I could fall in love with you.” Some fierce bitch downing a pint in a plastic cup and sporting a scoop-neck and an enormous white belt is like FUCK THAT BITCH .

JENNY MOMENT: “She wrecked my fucking life with supposition.”

Everyone demands Jenny call her ex-girlfriend, because it’s time they had the talk. Say you hate her, say it’s all her fault. But you, will soon meet someone newwww, and her name is Robin!

NO! Not that Robyn! This Robin:

Man I dig a skinny chick in a 3/4 sleeve raglan shirt

Robin saves the day by saving Jenny from herself — before Jenny can place the call and tell Marina to go to fucking hellllll, Robin snatches the phone from Jenny’s fragile paws. You know Robin is a serious person ’cause she’s wearing TWO white shirts to The White Party.

Oh um I was just wondering if your refrigerator was running sorry nbd hanging up now

Jenny gazes at Robin like a lunatic and goes, ‘That was very nice of you. That was very kind.”

Elsewhere in Palm Springs, Ton-Ton is celebrity handling Dana Fairbanks, steering her away from adoring fans with wet sharpies and wetter vaginas, hoping for a scoop on Dana’s present relationship status.

Listen you don’t wanna get attached to this one anyway, she’s getting killed off in Season Three

Back at the White party, Shane creeps around giving everybody sexy eyes, eventually spotting Jenny chatting with Robin. She gives the pair a secret smile.

Shenny Moment #2

Turns out that Robin is a trapeeze artist, so she can probably have sex upside-down and orgasm on a tight rope and shit like that.

Jenny: If I was a trapeeze artist, I don’t think that anybody would catch me, I think that I would need like, this massive net or something.
Robin: You know that’s like the third time you’ve referred to yourself as worthless? Is this your big Leaving Las Vegas moment, did you come to Dinah Shore to get alcohol poisoning and die?
Jenny: No. I’m not — I’m not suicidal. I’ve just fucked up my life just a little bit. You know?

Weellllll if I could have one wish, I’d definitely wish for a new pony. If I could have TWO wishes, I would want every day to be Free Scoop day at Ben & Jerrys.  Also, if I could have THREE wishes, I’d like to have therapy every day for the rest of my life, and also Kit-Kat bars and darkness

Robin delivers a litany of love/light mumbo-jumbo about flying in the air, taking risks, life and death and how Jenny needs to give life another try and become a unicorn pony of the stars. Yup, Robin will be playing the role of “stable and reliable girlfriend to soothe rebounding pains from unstable and unreliable ex-girlfriend heartbreaker,” which inevitably will transform into “boring girlfriend” versus “exciting heartbreaker,” because this is Jenny, and once upon a time I was Jenny, and I don’t think Jenny’s seen the light quite yet, and won’t for some time.

After a long hard day at the Nabisco-Whathaveyou Tennis Tournament, Tonya takes Dana back to her hotel room for a little bump ‘n grind.

This must be how my cat feels when he gives himself a bath

Lesbian Sexy Moment: A Series of Unfortunate Events

The Players: Ton-Ton and Dana Fairbanks

The Pick Up: “Dana, I want to make love to you.”

Hot or Not? NOT. Horrible, actually.

Oh shit I can’t believe they’re putting Piper in the SHUE

Meanwhile in the Palm Springs Hotspot Superhotel, my three best friends are hanging out in bed with their room service and their beer and their potato chips watching movies and wondering when I’m gonna show up and hang out because this scene embodies all 567 reasons I wanted lesbian friends of my own. AND NOW I HAVE SOME! AND WE HUNG OUT ON BEDS IN PALM SPRINGS!

Oh, um, hey has anybody seen my dog? His name is Sounder and one of his eyeballs is leaking tapioca pudding.

Then Jenny stumbles in, attesting that she’s imbibed too much tequila and witnessed so much debauchery! And now here she is with all that hair on her head and her silly shirt and her jeans being all adorable and brand new.

Laneia: it’s sweet how they’re still a group, even at this place — how they had them come back to the room to watch an old movie and drink canned heineken and talk
Riese: yes, this is what i liked best about the show
i liked their friendships so much, like this show made me want queer friends more than it made me want a girlfriend
Laneia: i agree with this 100%

Also! Jenny’s got a date with Robin on Wednesday night! Everybody approves.

Meanwhile Ton-Ton continues crawling all over Dana’s bod ’cause Tonya is the ALL TIME WORST. Alice calls her bestbest friend for an update on her life situation and can tell right away that Dana is hooking up with that “weird hospitality chick.” 

THE EAGLE HAS LANDED, Alice. SEND IN THE CROWS.

Alice laments that Ton-Ton’s got super bad vibes, and then kinda apropos of nothing, Jenny notes that it’s “so difficult to meet the right person,” noting that everybody’s “coming out stories” are “about confusion and unfulfilled desire and disappointment.”

Yeah dude, you totally could turn that bottle into a bong

Shane demands Tina give ’em hope they can believe in by telling the story about how she met Bette and her Severe Bob at an art gallery opening, back when Bette and Alice had just broken up.

This is my girlfriend Tina. She’s very close to playing for your team.

Firstly, Catherine Opie is there, which is badass, but more importantly, Tina and Bette share an instant sexyeyes connection, because Bette’s got magical eyeballs.

Do I know you from FetLife?

Bitch you know I dominate the Pony Play forums

Shane and Jenny listen, Shenny-style.

Shenny Moment #3

Tina explains that Bette invited her to one of her “famous “artists dinners,” which involves a lot of glassware and art critics. Tina could’ve felt super weird at the artsy party, but instead she didn’t ’cause Bette was “so warm and gracious.” IN HER VAGINA.

Yeah that’s right, my hair woke up like this

Tina accidentally left her earring behind at The Fancy Art Party, so she had to come back to pick it up. This is when Bette and Tina shared their first kiss!

Come on, I know you stole a tampon from my bathroom, let’s have it

Back in La La Land, Bette and Candace have been working late and now they have to stand together in a hallway experiencing sexual tension.

Well this was nice maybe tomorrow we can ruin my relationship

Jenny asks Tina if she’s worried about never sleeping with another woman besides Bette, and Tina is like, have you seen Jennifer Beals naked? No you haven’t, have you, because she has a no-nudity clause in her contract. But guess who has seen Jennifer Beals naked? I HAVE ‘CAUSE I’M TINA BITCHES!!!!

Plus she attached my earring to my earlobe permanently so I haven’t ever lost one since!

Tina: “I think God am I gonna go to my grave and and Bette will be the only women I’ve ever slept with? But then I look at her and think, well, what more could I want?”

Back at The Art Club, Candace returns to Bette’s office to pick up the bag she left behind on purpose. Oh yeah and also she has a message:

Candace: “I forgot that I won’t be able to sleep tonight if I don’t tell you that all I’ve wanted to do all day long is kiss you. Please tell me if you don’t want me to.”

Here let me get that earring out of your hair

Laneia: This is the cuntiest move
CUNTY
Riese: argh poor bette
i mean, aghgh bette! don’t do it!!
but also i feel like if you’re not in a relationship and the other person is, it’s their call whether or not you’re gonna actually cross that line

They start kissing super juicy-like and Bette pushes her away and looks like she’s gonna cry and all our little hearts wilt and die, including Bette’s. The closed captioning says “[SOBBING].”

At some point between then, now and the entire expanse of our tiny lives on this strange planet, Shane awakens, kindly leaves a bottle of water next to a still-slumbering Jenny, and dips into the hallway to call Cherie Jaffe.

Yeah, Hunter Valentine played, it was kinda okay but also like, whatever

A girl walks by Shane and tells her that she’s cute and Shane’s like “thanks, but it’s okay, I’ve got my coug on the line.”

Back in Ton-Ton Town, Tonya is like, “I can’t believe I’m about to go down on Dana Fairbanks!” FYI, Haviland always said that she wanted somebody to say that to her one day, so just a heads-up for Haviland’s girlfriend Ashley.

Now prepare yourself for a little move I like to call “The Hospitality Chick”

The next morning, the ladies are supes hungover from their all-nighter eating Cheetos and watching The O.C. and Alice is skulking about until she hears a noise in the hallway, identifies it as Dana returning from her walk of shame, and leaps back into her bed. I also noticed a Dolphin was leaping with Alice at the time:

Lesbians Love Sea Mammals

Thus Dana, who somehow made it all the way there in only a bra, is quickly and adorably tackled by her BFF Alice who wants all the dirty details.

Most importantly are you down for round two

Back in Chez Portard, Bette fields a call from Tina who says Bette sounds tired which is true, because she’s been up all night FILLED WITH GUILT.

Wow, weed dealers sure do call back fast these days

Tina says they’ll be heading out that afternoon and then she runs back into the hotel room and leaps onto the bed, so all of them can form a cuddle puddle and make our hearts melt. Sometimes that’s what a long-term relationship needs — time away, spent with friends who give you life and make you laugh and talk to you about trivial things in a trivial place —  to make your relationship and your sense of self feel special and alive again. It’s really fucking unfortunate when one member of that relationship uses that time to MAKE OUT WITH CARPENTERS, you know?

The lesbians are about to pack it in and head back to sunny Los Angeles, California, home of the Hyperion Wastewater Treatment Plant, when Dana shows up with a special guest: Ton-Ton.

Jenny is over it

Sorry, I think that picture is the photoshopped version. here’s the un-photoshopped version:

Where’s my $10,000 bitch

Riese: i feel like tonya didn’t ask for consent re: this relationship
Laneia: no
Riese: i hate this whole thing
tonya was the WORST

Ton-Ton stinks up the car with her words / thoughts / ideas while everybody stabs themselves in the eyeball.

Holy mother of goddess Dana hooked up with Whitney Mixter

Does Dana just want somebody to boss her around? Something she can’t fuck up because she’s never allowed to think for herself or talk?

Oh fantastic, we’re listening to Planet Money again

Tonya has 100 questions for Dana to fill out her fanfic, like for example is Dana a cat or a dog person, because Tonya really wants her to say dogs because she really hates cats. Yeah, I don’t think Mr. Piddles is gonna go for that.

I HOPE YOU LIKE CATS BITCH!!!

Because this is your new best friend

When Tonya gets out of the car, Alice (who is #1 Mean Cunt for life, I love her) is like, wow that bitch is crazy. Alice notes that Tonya took $50 for gas money and the gas was only $32.50 but she didn’t give Alice any change, and Tina says Tonya told a stupid story about meeting Anne Heche, and Riese says that they should plow that van right over Tonya while they still have a chance.

And listen just between you me and this Subaru, I’m pretty sure she doesn’t compost

Candace shows up at the Art Center in a tank top trying to tempt Bette / do carpenter things. Bette is like, I am wearing a sweater set from Sears today, this is my no-sex outfit, you are not entering these trousers.

I’M GONNA SMASH THESE TOWELS IN YOUR FACE

Bette’s staring into the great beyond when somebody comes up behind her and embraces her around the waist. Bette, thinking it’s The Carpenter somehow, is like, “I’m sorry, I can’t.” BUT SURPRISE IT’S TINA!

Just wait ’til you see the souvenir cup I brought you, it’s in the car

Riese: wait for real
how would she confuse them
Laneia: llkdlksdlkskk
Riese: she would know tina’s body shape and hair and smell
i would never confuse somebody’s smell for somebody else
Laneia: or you’d at least like, turn around? abruptly?
it’s weird that she’s 100% ready to be touched from behind like that

Bette covers her tracks, claiming she just meant that she can’t get the show ready in three weeks.

Tina: “That party was so crazy. God it just made me want to go home and curl into bed with you.”

That is an authentic post-Dinah Shore feeling. And with that, the episode is over!

The Round-Up:

Lesbian Sexy Moments: 1

Lesbian Squabbles: 0

Quote of the Week: Shane, for “That girl took my Sunshine meal toy, and then she took my heart.”

On a Scale of 1 to 10: An 8-footer

I picked this episode to recap ’cause it’s one of my favorites — because what I loved most about this show was the friend-moments. See, prior to The L Word, we’d never seen ourselves represented in this way on mainstream television, and it sadly remains one of the few television programs focused completely on a group of female friends, let alone a group of gay female friends. There’s a scene in Sex and the City when the girls are analyzing yet another guy and another date and Miranda is suddenly like, “How does it happen that four such smart women have nothing to talk about but boyfriends? It’s like seventh grade with bank accounts.” That’s how other shows about women usually made me feel, and SATC is another show heavily praised for its focus on female friendships.

So this was a thing we needed, this show, because it was a whole entire life, not just a girl you kissed secretly or your aunt who lives with her partner. We’d seen three-episode romantic story arcs between a main character and a three-episode guest star, replete with varied reactions from heterosexual friends/family and some chaste kissing. We’d seen brand-new queers take tentative forays into lesbian bars buffered by their straight best friend or relative, who is subsequently delighted by improbably high levels of sapphic attention. We’d seen coming out stories. So many coming out stories. But this was a model for a life. A life with other people who were like you.

Although I know that for many gay ladies, lesbianism really is just about who they fuck and date, for me, “the lifestyle” really is a lifestyle. It’s about how we live and love all the time — where we work, who our friends are, what parties we go to, what vacations we road trip to, and the stories we tell each other that straight people don’t always understand. Television didn’t want us to see that. Then this show did, and my whole head exploded, just thinking of people like me living like this — without men, and happier for it.

And that’s what made the ending of this series so tragic — it was poorly written, for sure, but it also ripped all the characters apart, made Jenny into a sociopath and somebody-but-really-nobody into a murderer and then pitted these friends against each other in ensuing “interrogation tapes.” But by that point I didn’t need the show like I did in 2004, because I had my own friends, and we made this website together, and now here we all are, skipping parties to drink beer in a hotel room and having very mixed feelings about “Closer to Fine.”

http://youtu.be/ahNdP1eI4ms

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