15 Thoughts My Dog Has When My Wife and I Have Sex

My dog Stanley is a level 10 clinger. Part of this is by design. He’s a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel/Poodle mix, and Cavaliers are cuddle monsters. I wanted a dog that would be down to lay on the couch and watch TV or curl up at the foot of the bed at night, and my wife wanted a dog that wasn’t going to require a lot of maintenance. I admit our boy is spoiled as hell — it’s my wife’s and my fault. We got him at only 13 weeks. He was barely five pounds, and we were so worried he’d get lost or stuck somewhere in our apartment. Those first few weeks, we took him with us every time we left the house because we were worried that our asshole cats would try to gang up on him while we were gone. I got a sling carrier and carried him around while we ran errands. He was also so small we were worried we’d lose him in the blankets of our queen sized bed, so we encouraged him to sleep up by our pillows.

As he got bigger, we figured he would naturally want his own space. Well, I was fucking wrong about that.

If anything, he gets more clingy as he gets older. If your lap is open, it won’t be for long — there will be a baby dog (yes, he’s almost three but we call him the baby dog) curled up before you can even get comfortable. Again, we know this is a monster of our own making, and he’s so cute we generally don’t mind. Sometimes he decides he wants to sleep among the laundry or on a chair. He still sleeps in our bed. Most of the time, it’s fine, except for when he decides my wife’s pillow is now his pillow or puts his whole very warm body against mine.

Generally, we love having him for snuggles, but there is one time when it’s more than an annoyance — it’s a downright inconvenience. Sex.

My wife and I have as active of a sex life as two women with full-time jobs and a family to take care of can have. So when we do have the time and energy to enjoy each other, we’d like to do it without interruptions. But there’s one little 12 pound hurdle to get past. Since Stanley is used to being the center of attention, he doesn’t always seem to understand that sexy time is momma time. As soon as he realizes we’re in bed and not going to sleep, he has to remind us of his presence. Sometimes he thinks sex is play time, and instead of relaxing, he will romp across our bed, snorting and barking at us to chase him. Other times, he’ll squirm his long body right between ours and roll on his back, daring one of us to give him his favorite belly rubs.

Other times, he decides to be strategic about his approach. He might chill out and lay on one of our pillows and then decide he’s had enough and jump into the action. There’s nothing quite like kissing your wife and having your face licked, or feeling a wet nose against your bare thigh. We don’t get mad; that’s what happens when you don’t create boundaries. And besides, we get a huge kick out of him romping around. If we really want solo time, we will distract him with a rawhide bone, but then we realized how many of them are scattered around our apartment. We counted once, and there were at least five bones in various degrees of chewed. It was hilarious, but we decided to cool it with the bones.

I don’t actually know what goes through his tiny brain while we’re in the middle of the act, but if he actually had thoughts, this is what I imagine it would sound like in his head.

1. “Oooh, is time for snuggies!”
2. “Why we no going to sleep mommas? I ready for night night.”
3. “I’m in my spot, why we no cuddles?”
4. “Oh I know what’s happening, mommas play!”
5. “Can Stanley play? I wanna play!”
6. “Why can’t Stanley do lickies on momma faces but mommas can lick each other’s faces? No fair!”
7. “Momma lickies mean Stanley gets a new bone!”
8. “What you mean no bone? Momma lickies mean bone!”
9. “Maybe I should go lay down somewhere else, dis bed too shaky.”
10. “I back mommies! Did you miss me?”
11. “Can Stanley get a tummy rub? Please? Should I boop your snoot with my snoot?”
12. “Are we done?”
13. “Oh yes, my favorite sniffs.”
14. “Why no Stanley under the blankie? Want cuddles.”
15. “Night night mommies!”

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Sa'iyda Shabazz

Sa'iyda is a writer and mom who lives in LA with her partner, son and 3 adorable, albeit very extra animals. She has yet to meet a chocolate chip cookie she doesn't like, spends her free time (lol) reading as many queer romances as she can, and has spent the better part of her life obsessed with late 90s pop culture.

Sa'iyda has written 122 articles for us.

4 Comments

  1. I thought lesbians having dogs in room during sex was a myth. I mean those psychos in queer ultimatum were tucked up for doing it but this is what happens when u are a lesbian with a family and boundaries? That’s messed up. Ladybird would never

  2. Times like this, when I read something that feels so familiar and relatable despite the fact I’m pretty sure I never have actually had this experience, are when I know I’m reading a good writer.

    And when I wonder about past lives or what I possibly could have blocked out in my mind.

    Hmm. Actually I think there was at least one instance of this in my not quite youth…

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