Well! Wow! So! Yeah!! That was SO AWESOME, right? I mean, I feel like … man, I just wanna dance/laugh/love forevs! I wrote y’all a goodbye letter where I get sentimental already so let’s dig in to this recap, yeah? I’m gonna try to be as positive as possible. Deep breath.
Talk about NOT ending with a bang. Really IFC, it’s one thing to weigh down your show’s sixth season with an endless parade of unnecessary melodramatic plot devices — a murder, a pregnant man, a stolen film, a botched adoption from homophobic out-of-towners, two out-of-the-blue love triangles — and quite another thing to, when the season ends, not even “use” these devices to infuse the series finale with aforementioned melodrama. Which brings me to my thesis, which is not only a thesis but is true (trust me):
Ilene Chaiken, when she “wrote” this “episode,” did not know who killed Jenny. Does not know.
DUM DUM DUMMMM!!! Kazaam! Let’s get loud! Boom boom jenny jenny bette bette loving loving killing sucking.
I’m glad none of these ladies are killers, of course, that’s why I’ve disliked this storyline all along. I like[d] Jenny, and regardless she doesn’t deserve to be killed — murder is pretty serious. It seems less drastic to — I dunno — all decide to stop inviting her to things or refusing to hang out with her and if that made them lose Shane, then that’s that. I’d vote suicide but IFC insists that’s not it, so this show irks me like as a person who’s been in too many writing workshops. A story must be possible. If someone is killed, there is a killer. If you choose to conceal the killer’s identity from the reader, you should still know it yourself, otherwise the concealment is arbitrary and is no longer a proper story. “Anyone could’ve done it” is not the story, it’s a method of framing the story.
“Open-ended” means we don’t know how it’ll END, like how we don’t know how Alice will be prosecuted for this crime (good job with that!). Writers aren’t required to give you a Six Feet Under style END to the season, but they are required to know what already happened. She’s often written characters without backstory — but many television writers do that, though it’s usually better when they don’t. But one cannot write a mystery story without presenting at least one plausible solution. Law & Order manages to do it like a bajilion times a week, IFC can’t do it ONCE? It was your idea, weirdo!
I’m down with “open-ended” and I honestly don’t need to know who killed Jenny — I don’t want to know. Vonnegut says: “Every sentence must do one of two things—reveal character or advance the action.” I need to feel things are happening for a reason — that clues exist and things aren’t happening just to “create confusion.” After watching this episode 10 or 11 times, I should be noticing new clues, but instead I’m noticing new inconsistencies [flo laid this out in the comments for “46  Reasons Recapping The L Word is driving me crazy.”]
1. The reader must have equal opportunity with the detective for solving the mystery. All clues must be plainly stated and described.
2. No willful tricks or deceptions may be placed on the reader other than those played legitimately by the criminal on the detective himself.
(S.S. Van Dine, “20 Rules for Writing Detective Stories.” 1928)
What happens when you write an entire season without you yourself knowing what’s going on? Well, it’s a parade of inconsistencies, technical errors, blatant disregards for continuity and a melodic slap in the face to everyone who’s tried against all odds to give two shits about this show. I’ve made a list of these issues, which I will reference footnote-style in the recap to avoid dwelling on nitpicks and details/going crazy as I write this. That’s what the numbers mean (100) like that. Reference the list.
In other news, I still can’t spell or write a sentence. Yay!!!! Let’s go!!!!
Also I would’ve blown my brains out were it not for Dear Intern Lex , who came over this weekend and did the screencaps in exchange for free beer and snacks. Yay! Holler!
Luckily I’m here at new Autostraddle [if you’re reading this from The L Word Online, this is what I’m talking about], the coolest new website on the planet. Tell us what you want out of the website here — and — I beggggg of you — if you’ve enjoyed these recaps [which I’ve written 100% unpaid] for the past three years, please consider making a donation to the new autostraddle fund.
We’re currently just hoping to cover expenses without getting evicted, and we need your help to do that. Trust me it’s totally worth it! Read all about it!
We begin in therapy the police station, where Shane [I think it’s Shane, mostly we can just see her eyeballs] is sharing all her number one feelings (2), which include: feeling “caged,” a fear of commitment, a strange burning sensation while urinating and a distaste for the royal “we” (1). Maybe she’s trying to get framed by sounding as guilty as possible (3). I mean there have been some hot JailSex scenes, yeah? E-i-E-i-O, let’s go to the farm!
Shane, aka Proust, believes “feeling is a solitary emotion.” When alone, it’d seem Shane herself cannot feel sadness and now she’s talking shit about the murder victim, her dead ex-girlfriend/ex-best-friend?  It’s surprising because Shane has always been patient with Jenny and is aware of her struggle with mental illness — of all the people on this show, Shane seems most likely to suggest the best way to get rid of Jenny would be where she went after Season Two. Shane’s very forgiving, in general, Molly Letter or no.
We flash back to the video where Jenny’s saying Shenny’s gonna “make it” and then take TiBette’s place as the “supreme, beautific couple.” That’s right! Jenny’s gonna get some sperm, Shane’s gonna have (another) affair, they’ll break up, tables will be thrown, Jenny will start wondering about men again, Tim will come back, Tim will cut his toenails in front of the camera, Shane will date a famous blind photographer/hairdresser, Jenny and Tim will break up, Shane & Jenny will get back together, Jenny will be offered a job at the Gotham Writer’s Workshop and they’ll hippity-hop into the sunset together AND SCENE.
Carly: “Where’d she find that camera? Is it Mark’s?”
Riese: “She just found it still hanging from the wall. It’s in the set auction now I bet.”
Alice has brought Tasha & Jamie to The Planet for a chit-chat about how they feel about each other (4). They haven’t admitted it to themselves yet, says Alice, but she can see beyond these little lies. She knows. She knows how these storylines tend to go for her. Then the waitress of doom delivers Tasha & Jamie’s last supper.
Alice knows that the dual-POTATO-order is a secret sign that they both are confused about nutrition w/r/t starchy carbohydrates and that unlike Alice who does not need food AT ALL because she is a WARRIOR, they are aliens. Yikes! That’s worse than dating a Leo. Aliens never feel that people understand them, like Max.
Lesbian Squabble #27: Apparently Also Not a Threesome
In the Ring: Alice vs. all the exes who have ever left her for someone else. Unfortunately Bette is busy in the Retcon room, Dana’s dead (RIP) and Gaby is being Papi’ed. Tasha and Jamie will accept the award on their behalf.
Content: Tasha’s like, wtf is going on/steely and silent. Alice is like, what the fuck. Jamie confesses she’s fallen in love with Tasha. Tasha doesn’t flinch. At this point, if I were Jamie, I’d feel really embarrassed AND like an asshole and probs try to make a quick escape. “OMG what’s going on outside, I think I see a gay kid on the street, gonna go rescue him with Jenny’s 25K stimulus plan, you can have my potatoes, ttyl!”
Alice: “Just be fucking truthful about your feelings, it’s obviously out of your control!”
Tasha: “I’m not gonna accept that.”
Alice: “Well you have to accept it, you can’t — all the military training in the world doesn’t help you control feelings — I’m giving you a chance here to be honest with me — just tell me.”
Carly: “OH MY GOD, they ordered the same drink. This is so heavy handed.”
Riese: “They’re soulmates, remember when Bette and Tina ordered the same Cobb salad? If I fell in love with everyone who ordered the same meal as me I’d have a lot of girlfriends.”
Alex: “Is that Thai Iced tea? That’s good, good choice.”
Carly: “I LOVE Thai Iced tea.”
Riese: “Oh my G-d me too.”
[We all go get married.]
Alice tells Tasha that they should give it a shot, go have a little romp in the hay, and if she don’t hear from Tasha by this time tomorrow, she is going to burn down the building know Tasha prefers Jamie, since one day is all anyone needs to change who they are 100%. We’ll be right here waiting for that to happen.
Tasha: “Alice you know that I live a life of honor and duty.”
Alice: “Well I don’t want you to stay with me out of a sense of duty. Don’t stay with me because it’s the right thing to do.”
Who Wins? Fanfic authors who now have a blank slate from which to address their fantasies? I think I could ask “who wins” all day and still never know who killed my soul Jenny.
We’re back in therapy! I mean … the police station. The only person Alice really loved as much as Tasha was Dana (2). Dana Fairbanks, you know, the famous tennis player who died of breast cancer in like two hours. Sgt. Xena’s follow-up questions are related to the breaking of Alice’s heart. Maybe they think Jenny died from a rare STD carried within groups of tight friends who all have too many feelings and not enough character arc.
Dylan’s sublet fell through but Helena feels Dylan expected Helena to invite Dylan to live in her beachside palace and she doesn’t like that (20). I mean look at that place, there’s barely enough room for a fold-out chair and a can of soup in that palacial beachside mansion. This episode might function better as an advertisement for Architectural Digest.
Dylan’s fine. She’s just gonna walk around in her hobo pants and her flip flops and chew on her corn-pipe, and Oh! Never Mind! Hello, Jenny. Hello Jenny’s skirt. Let’s make a video! Don’t let Adele see it, that bitch is bad news bears.
Alex: “See how cute Jenny is?!”
Riese: “She’s really trying and special.”
Carly: “She’s wearing a hoop skirt.”
Jenny’s got hoes in all different area codes who’ve sent in videos for the big farewell compilation (5) — this gift might make less sense than anything Jenny’s ever done besides kill that dog. Maybe it’s not really Bette & Tina’s farewell video, but Jenny’s farewell video to herself before she jumps in the pool. She rounded up all her exes for it, after all.
Carly: “What? How did she get in touch with all those people?”
Riese: “Our Chart.”
Carly: “‘It’s a place for friends.'”
Riese: “No, ‘You’re on it.’“
All Dylan & Helena have to do is just stand there in their earthen tones and make a toast — but Helena’s not into being on camera (15), surprise. Helena sounds like she’s making a toast to death. That’s good. This video, much like the episode, will help its viewers not get too sad about leaving.
Helena offers Jenny a drink and she’s like, “I think it’s a little early for a drink,” and Helena says it’s never too early for a drink. Just like me Jenny doesn’t drink before sunset.
Max is having trouble talking with that mustache over his mouth (7), so Xena starts yelling: “Admit it, they’re assholes!” Clearly judging by the fetus in his stomach, Max is not an asshole expert.
Anyhow, Max’s generous: “It’s not that they were total snobs, it’s just that they were insular — tight,” he says. “As we’ve gotten to know each other, I realize that they’re pretty amazing people. Pretty special.” Special! Magic! Tonight is a very special episode.
Max calls them “Framily.” That’s more than friends, but less than family (40), according to Max, who we may recall is about as close with his family as he is with all those assholes. See, no one would ever kill their framily. Max is nice, I like this Max. More of this. Why ask why? Try Bud Dry.
Ah, as the days of our lives roll on like sand through the hourglass, so the seasons roll on against the gigantic green screen behind TiBette’s new addition. Kit’s nervous about the upstairs railing not being finished. She advises Bette not to let Angie go up there. Bette’s like, “Shit, there goes the Duck-Duck-Goose on the porch playdate we had set up for later.” Tina & Bette have signed up with some adoption agencies in NYC — probs shortly you’ll see a facebook ad offering nice Jewish girls $10,000 dollars to harvest eggs for The Gays. Kit suggests that Bette takes Max’s baby, and Bette …
Kit: “He has something that you want!”
Bette: “We’re not talking about fucking used cars, Kit, and anyway [glances at Max in his sweatpants flipping burgers] I think he’s come to terms with his situation, I think he’s ready to be a father.” (8)
Agreed. Max is flippin’ burgers like he’s about to get a job at The Max or be Mr. Mom at the local BBQ. He’ll raise Mini-Max in the toolshed, it’ll be like the Christ Child in the manger, but on Logo.
“I am so ready to get out of here,” Jennifer Bette tells Pam Kit. Then Bette reveals to Kit that she can’t tell Tina about the Jenny/Kelly situation ’cause she still hasn’t told Tina that Kelly even came over. She thinks Jenny has delusionally made something up for no reason.
Bette: “I want to go to New York because I think it would be a good move for us. However I am happy to be getting out of this little incestuous hot bed of lesbian interfucking connectedness.”
There’s a secret message in that statement wanna know what it is? InterFuckingConcetedness = IFC = Ilene Fucking Chaiken. Killed Jenny. Crime solved! NEXT.
Kit tells the po-pos you’ll never find another group of people who love one another more. “I would put my posse up against them because they are so tight and fiercely loyal,” Kit says. Except for when they fuck each other’s girlfriends and kill each other and refer to one another as used cars. You’re dead meat, Denbo. La-la.
Alice doesn’t understand when Shane became so “honor-bound.” (9) Shane explains:
Shane: “I…I just I feel responsible for her. It’s like I’ve been entrusted with this lost child in a way.And that I’ve been given this opportunity to be…responsible for somebody else’s feelings.”
Carly: “Shane was once entrusted with a lost child actually.”
Riese: “…and he hasn’t been mentioned in years …”
Well, Shane’s an unfit caretaker — she fucked Jenny’s ex! Sidenote: didn’t Jenny purchase Nikki for you, Shane? WHERE THE HELL IS SHE? I’d be like “Holler Concubine Nikki firstly, I need Pinkberry. Secondly, my neck hurts. Thirdly, Tinkerbell wants a vodka tonic.”
Wouldn’t it be funny if I tried to write this recap as if I thought this show was really good? Actually I don’t think I can. I don’t think Hashem approves of me going against my soul’s desire so seriously, I might never make it into JewLand which’s the amusement park good Jews go to when we die. It’s filled with pork buns and naked elbows. I believe Jenny will be there … OR WILL SHE?
Alice: “Well, it’s sick number one —”
Shane: “You don’t get it. you’re not listening. you don’t listen to me —”
Alice: “Out of all the people that you’ve been with why are you picking Jenny for this, like the girl’s not even talented, she’s not even a nice person, she’s like a fraud — you know she stole my idea —”
Shane thinks it’s Alice’s word against Jenny’s and turns down Alice’s offer to read her inspirational treatment (10 & 11). She then notes Jenny would kill herself if Shane dumped her, which is #1 on Riese’s Rules not to stay with somebody. Also I fall for it every time and have been conned into staying with people about 50 times due to suicide threats.
Shane: “If I were to walk away from this … she’ll go off the deep end.”
Carly: “The deep end … of the pool?”
Memory Moment !
Dylan’s on the phone being suspicious. Every moment she spends in that cape is one more dead species of rainforest bird. When Dylan sees Helena, she gets off the phone immediately. I think Dylan is in the mafia. Dawn Denbo = Don Denbo. They’re all in cahoots.
Helena wants to know who Dylan was just talking to. Dylan says “nobody,” like she’s 12 and thinks that shit’s gonna fly. Maybe both of these ladies were hotter when they were power-hungry animal lesbians having a secret affair. Now one of them is whiny, and the other one is wearing my mother’s sandals.
Riese: “Of all the relationships that we’ve witnessed Ilene is picking this one for the finale?”
Alex: “Ilene just wants to make drama for no reason.”
Lesbian Squabble #28: Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous
In the Ring: Helena vs. Dylan
Content: Dylan wants to know if this is gonna end any time soon — Helena second-guessing her and not trusting her. Ah, so Dylan’s just gonna be another one of those girls who claims to understand the depth of the damage she’s done in the past but isn’t actually interested in doing the time for her crime [unlike Helena, who as we recall was in jail, did drop the soap and almost died when that woman held a knife to her throat].
In therapy/the police station, Helena’s saying how “being rich, it’s a curse, you don’t know what it’s like never knowing if anyone really cares for you or if they’re just with you for the money.” (2) Also she just so happens to be drop dead gorgeous. Eeek, I just said dead!
Luckily Helena chooses good partners, like a pregnant woman working for a non-profit funded by Helena’s foundation, a filmmaker making a film funded by Helena’s film company, a money-crazed gambling addict and then — again! — the filmmaker who extorted her company for millions of dollars. She likes to take risks, write that down. I want her eyeshadow, write that down.
Trust is hard for Helena, she confesses. “Even when I was with Winnie I used to just buy and sell people, expect them to serve me,” Helena says. Bow-chicka-bow! The music begins, Helena removes Xena’s jacket, straddles her and whispers in her ear, “So how much are you going for, lucky lady?”
JK! Back to the Most Interesting Relationship of All Time. No, not George and Martha Washington, NO! Not the Obamas, not LiRo, but DYYLENA!
Back at the beach palace, there is really terrible music playing. What’s going on?
Carly: “What is this, like, Silverchair?!”
Riese: “Oh, I saw them with Blink 182!”
Alex: “Completely wrong music genre.”
Riese: “I mean — the Red Hot Chili Peppers!”
[true, I did]
Dylan’s gone renegade Outward Bound on Helena and is now lifting her sort of tenderly off the floor. As Helena dangles in Dylan’s arms at these death-defying heights, so many thoughts run through Helena’s mind — will she kill me? Will we survive? Is there more to life than love and being together? But then! Dylan takes this little trust exercise to the next level and puts Helena on stage with Regina George lays her down on the counter and holds a knife to her neck (12).
Lesbian “Sexy” Moment #11: I Feel the Knife [Not] Going In
The Players: Helena and Dylan.
The Pick Up: Right off the floor! Hey-o!
Hot or Not: I don’t know.
Riese: “At least she’s taking that thing off, that’s the only good part of this sex scene.”
Carly: “That backless cape she’s wearing.”
Carly: “This is like some crazy 90s Angelina Jolie movie shit.”
Alex: “As if Helena wasn’t terrified enough.”
“The reason why I was such a bitch when we first met, it was because my mother had spoken of you with such admiration, you know, that you were the daughter I could never be, the woman I’d always have to measure up against”
– Helena’s confession on the tape. (15) [interesting character development nonetheless — interesting …]
“I miss you so much. I’ll never forget the first time I saw you at CU. It was a lecture and you were one of the panelists. You looked so hot in your power suit.”
“I’m gonna miss double-billing you ladies. My business is really gonna take a hit.”
Lesbian Sexy Moment #12: To Let This Love Survive Would Be the Greatest Gift That We Could Give
The Players: Bette and Tina
The Pick Up: Hm. “Once more for the road”!
It’d appear that Tina has dropped a glass bottle on the bed and now, while Tina remains naked with her legs open around the glass to ensure she doesn’t accidentally step on some, Bette is sweeping up the broken glass. But WAIT A MINUTE. No I think they’re doing it.
After Tina comes, her first thought is “we really need to fix that railing.” Aw.
AND IN THAT MOMENT everything could’ve CHANGED for Jenny! We could’ve saved her life, if only Bette hadn’t been so distracted by the taste of a woman’s labia and had heard Tina’s warning cries regarding the railing. And then — when asked to repeat herself, Tina changes the topic and says instead — “Oh my G-d, that was the most intense orgasm I’ve ever had and I think you deserve more of the same.” DUM DUM DUM!
Then Sadè begins playing which is lovely. It’s a sweet montage. It made me think of Queer as Folk.
Bette just wants Tina to kiss her and cuddle naked like real lesbians. Bette wants to get married when they move to New York. Uh-oh danger Will Rogers, that shit isn’t allowed here and it’s sooo expensive to get a space. Anyway we will be there, we will recap Bette & Tina’s wedding, it’ll be The L Word movie, Angie would make a lovely flower girl.
Riese: “Are they just hugging now?”
Carly: “They’re embracing, that’s what you’re supposed to do, you’re supposed to EMBRACE in different positions. Didn’t you get the lesbian handbook?”
The next morning Shane’s strolling by Casa TiBette, where the two ladies are sitting on the porch looking radiant and lovely. I could point out that this is supposed to go full circle to the pilot, but I’d be the 500th person to point this out — obvs we L Word writers are straw-grabbing experts at this point. There aren’t many straws left by this time of the week. But let me just say that these two women are very beautiful. I’m glad for them ending up together, still, that warms my heartstrings.
Aw. They look like straight out of JCrew. Lesbians are weirdos. It took me so long as a person (yes, I’m talking about myself) – to not be afraid of women — to not be afraid to need them, to be close to them, to associate too strongly with them. Men somehow seemed safer, I guess, despite all evidence to the contrary, like boyfriends unlike women were things to be counted upon, things you could get on lockdown, a guaranteed ride when your car gets towed.
And … I didn’t really see any other models of ways to live. Most stories include love stories. And all the stories I saw on teevee and in the movies — even the stories I read, as an adult — suggested heterosexual romantic relationships were the only ones worth fighting for and about. Girlfriends were a prelude to men, not a compliment to or substitute for men or something else altogether — something that did not exist strictly via its relationship to men. Where were our stories of women alone? Sex and the City and then The L Word did something really sweet when they showed us another way to live, and for that I’ll always be grateful. [SATC the movie is another story, I realize this.] This show said women’s stories are enough, they are everything, and that’s revolutionary.
Bette wants to know why Jenny is doing shit in Shane’s studio and suggests Jenny just gave Shane the studio so she could take it away, like a little puppy who gives you his toy and then’s like, JK, gimme back my toy.
“I understand where you’re coming from, I really do, but I’d like to think she’s not that calculating,” Shane says. Shane says “I really do” a lot. Bette responds: “I think her heart’s in the right place, I think she’s just misplaced her meds.” EUREKA!!!! Okay, someone call the doctor, let’s get on this shit. I have been waiting seven years for this moment — oh — sorry. Back to Foxworthy’s Police Station o’ Feelings.
Tina describes Kelly as Bette’s business partner “a vacant bombshell.” (2) “Bombshell” must be the new lesbian slang word for “scary plastic lady with grasshopper eyes.” She goes on to say that Kelly is a real “predator type.” (2) That detective, who looks straight out of the Community Theater’s local production of Grease, writes that shit down. Or maybe he’s writing down what we’re about to say …
… when we return to Helena’s man-in-the-mirror suite, where she is gazing down upon the kingdom — namely upon Dylan. Then music begins to play. You know what kind of music I’m talking about. Get your polka shoes on and prepare to drop-kick BETTY in the face. I mean she’s a very nice lady, that’s what the Showtime producer told me today when we were filming Lezberado and I said something mean about Betty. That particular statement, along with 75% of what I said during filming, will not be in the final cut I am guessing.
Riese: “Oh my god … you know what this sounds like …”
Carly: “BETTY! I would recognize those harmonies anywhere.”
Alex: “I’m glad you said ‘harmonies’.”
Helena sees Dylan get in her car. Where is she going? Truck Stop? Pinkberry?
Alice & Shane are discussing Alice and how Alice thinks that Jamie and Tasha are making sweet sweet love, which is hilarious, but it’s also not a threesome. Nevertheless, Alice is theorizing what could be happening in this little sexual session. It’s funny!
Alice: “Oh my god, I can’t believe my nipples get hard when you lick them mine get hard when you lick mine! You know eventually they should just stop having sex because they are so the same, they could just masturbate and it would be the same thing.”
Shane says — Alice, let’s go to lunch. I’ll purge this cereal, I’ll pick you up, and everything’ll be fine. Her reactions to Alice’s paranoia are delightful.
Unfortunately Jenny is not fine, she’s done lost her mind and is talking crazy about needing Final Cut when obvs she already had it, she was using it earlier to edit the Joyce & Phyllis footage (13). Shane says she’s got it, she’s gonna go to FedEx and the Apple Store and Nikki’s breasts and pick up some crystal meth and then she’ll BRB. This pleases Jenny who kisses Sounder on the head and says “See Sounder, she understands me.” Aw. Jenny and Sounder! Are so cute.
Not only did Kit and Sunset apparently make up from their fight and then fall in love (16), but they then proceeded to go to the zoo with Angelica and have an allegedly good time. A VERY good time in fact. Fishy? I thought so. Baby lions? What the hell is a baby lion. Kit says her man has gotta go to work. Seriously this woman has had the most random boyfriends of any woman ever on television. Obvs Papi was my fave boyfriend.
Bette does not want a man in her bathroom, she wants him to go to the powder room. Look I’m not like a raised-on-AIM generation person or anything, but powder room? C’mon Mrs. Potts let’s get real. Bette follows this up with, “there are facets of man-ness that just make me queasy, that’s all.” (17) What the hell has happened to Bette’s personality?
Alex: “WHAT THE FUCK? Bette has never said bullshit like this before.”
Riese: “They’ve done the impossible.”
Kit asks James how he can stand Bette and he says he always urinates in the powder room. I bet he does with that purple shirt. Oh James, you never lost your dignity, you always remained honest. And surprising that after all this time, they never wrote you a love story with Kit Porter, the most lusted-after straight woman in the whole world. Though as I’ve said, Kit is totally queer even if she is technically straight.
Here comes Shane to save the day! She has Chinese food and love and Final Cut, which P.S. costs like $1,200 dollars. I am still v.confused about what happened to the concubine Nikki and why she isn’t running these errands.
Jenny: “Wow, I don’t know what I’d do without you. ”
Shane: “Oh you’d manage, I’m sure.”
Jenny: “No I wouldn’t, I’d probably kill myself … I’m gonna leave everything to you. You’re my family.”
Jenny asks if she wants to see a video of Carmen dancing. (18) Shane, clearly not looking to kill herself today — what with that great inheritance coming her way and everything — says no. Surely like the Joss Stone song so bravely sang forth: “You had me, you lost me,” etc etc etc. I want to see a video of Carmen dancing, does anyone care about what I want? Hahaha. JK! Look at this stupid graphic I made for a Season Three recap ten eons ago:
Shane doesn’t want the video to be from “us,” she wants it to be just from Jenny. She’s gonna go to Sharper Image and get me a massage chair, and then go to Carlton Cards and pick up a scented candle for the happy couple.
Riese: “I think that’s the point of using a “we” — so you can get out of buying a gift.”
Carly: “Yeah, that and when you want to leave, like ‘she has a thing, so WE need to leave.'”
Is James coming to New York? No, he’s not because Bette isn’t sure what kind of job she’s gonna have out there. (19) Kelly is not gonna be excited about that, I thought Bette was sticking with the gallery but just doing it from NYC. You know what they always say, shake it don’t fake it. There’s a dance that goes with it, uh-huh. Wiggle it. Just a little bit.
“I sort of like the idea of Tina supporting me and me looking after the children,” Bette says. Everyone thinks it’s hilarious. And then Angelica calls Sunset “Daddy,” which is funny. Sunset actually does look like the sperm dude, Marcus Allenwood, in some weird way. I’m not just saying that because they’re both black, hello I know not all black people look alike, I’ve seen basketball on television and The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, produced by Ilene Chaiken. That show was funny.
Bette’s personality transformation — wanting to stay home now — kinda makes sense to me. After a while, a person gets tired. After a while, everything becomes too much and sweet things like children and love take priority. It shows some new growth & depth for Bette, and I like that.
Alice is on the phone with Helena, picking her toenails and being funny about all the things that Jamie and Tasha have in common: “Ohhh I like orgasms toooo.” This is cute conversation, let’s get dressed and go out and get married and have a happy happy ending! Or let’s lie on the bed and pick our feet. Let’s play head shoulders knees and toes!
!!!!! Head Shoulders Knees and Toes Knees and Toes
Alice happens to mention that Helena’s at Jenny’s studio and she assumes Dylan is helping Jenny edit. Hm, unless there’s some animation and scrolling text and transitions and color correction happening in the clips we don’t see — or even a musical track or some kind of specific cinematic technique — Jenny could’ve made this tribute video with two VCRs and some A/V in-out cords. Well, she is special, I hear. Can see inner desires and etc.
Helena thinks this is suspicious as well, just like we do, so she’s gonna go get to the bottom of this. She’s gonna strap on her strappings and bloody ‘ell rawr!
Dylan is at the studio (14) — begging Jenny to lie for her. “You lied to me,” Jenny says. “You promised you’d come clean and you haven’t.” Dylan’s excuse is that Helena has trust issues and she had no choice (Dylan’s fault) so anyway …
Lesbian Squabble #29 – I Hold My Cards Up Close to My Chest I Say What I Have to and I Hold Back the Rest
In the Ring: Dylan vs. Helena vs. Jenny
Content: Dylan’s being a jerk. She clearly ain’t too proud to beg and this time she’s gonna beg Jenny to not tell Helena that Dylan already knew it was a set-up. Dylan already knew it was a set up? This whole situation has turned my headskull into pudding. (20)
It’s your fault Jenny, says Dylan, you’re a shitty actress and if you’d done better I wouldn’t have had to call you and ask you about it. (?!!!?)
Obvs Dylan was just using the “you tested me?” thing as an excuse to ditch that lame baby shower. C’mon, there was a theme, and a breast pump, and people singing strange songs.
Anyhow Helena (tipped off by Alice) is on her way …
Jenny: “Just tell her the truth! It’s better that way — and then you’re all even.”
Dylan: “She’s not going to think that we’re even when she finds out that before I went into Hit that Nikki Stevens was a set up! She’s going to think I’m–”
Helena: “You’re a liar, a con-artist! None of this bodes well for a relationship that should be based on trust!”
[as opposed to relationships based on dishonesty and bicycling]
Jenny: “Helena wait, before you get really upset now that everything’s out in the open you —”
Helena: “You knew all along that Nikki Stevens wasn’t interested in you directing her movie?”
Jenny: “It was a bad idea, it was so unethical and I never should have been involved in any of this —”
Helena: “… and when you stood firm and rejected the pass that she made at you, that was just an act?
Dylan: “No that was not just an act –”
Helena: “And when she spilled the beans at Max’s baby shower she wasn’t really spilling anything — Jesus, Dylan, that was such a good performance you’ve been on the wrong side of the camera.”
Jenny: “WAIT HELENA! That is not her fault, that is my fault…”
Helena: “Fuck you Schecter, you have interfered in my life enough now!”
Dylan says she had no choice, because she wanted Helena to be with her. Right-o. Helena says that no, now, thanks to Jenny Fucking Schecter, she can’t trust Dylan. (21) Hello scapegoat! Dylan chose to run out the door and pretend shocked & appalled, which is firstly really strange, and secondly weirdly manipulative, and thirdly this whole situation ranks about 5,436th on the list of “things I would like to see resolved/played out before this show ends.”
Shane’s at the expensive modern art store, looking for something portable and easy to pack — but also functional and necessary — for Bette & Tina. Ah ha! A large ceramic bowl! Perfect! (22) Hey-o! Speaking of perfect … look who’s here! It’s Molly! Ob-li-di-ob-la DA! Hellooooo Nurse. Molly and Shane explain some sweet little small talk and Shane looks happy to see her. Molly’s being cute and nervous.
Carly: “That girl looks like Molly… but punched in the face. And with homeless hair.”
Molly says she heard about Shane and Jenny, and she was surprised.
Molly: “She seemed so upset that night that she told me about you and Nikki — To think of you guys together is kind of — where’d that come from. you know?”
Shane: “Wait, what night?” What night?”
Molly: “The night that I dropped off your jacket? Anyway, yeah, I just — I had this stupid idea after I heard about what my Mom did that maybe you were just being selfless and you just thought maybe because of the challenge my Mom put to you — which was completely ridiculous and um, I thought that you know you were just trying to protect me because you knew you would screw around on me but I guess you already were screwing around on me and I wrote the letter because I wanted to say um —”
Shane: “I’m sorry, uh wait — uh — what letter are you talking about?”
Molly: “The letter it’s in the pocket of the jacket that I gave to Jenny to give to you, but it doesn’t matter,I mean, I’m really okay, and you don’t owe me — you don’t owe me anything at all, really so um — I fell for you — like a million other girls, and I fell apart like a million other girls but really, you know, I didn’t die, and I’m here, and I’m okay. I wish you and Jenny the best. Really.”
G-d, it’s so hard to run into sane, kind, patient exes when you’re in a relationship with a crazy person that you think you may never get out of. It’s like stepping into a different dimension.
Shane stands with her bowl, dumbfounded. She’s probs wishing she had another kind of bowl handy. You know, the kind you can smoke out of when shit makes no sense. Like this is weird, but just think about how weird it would be on weed.
“It’s my fourth of the day, I started at 11,” Alice says sipping her cocktail. “You go girl,” says Helena. “Here’s to you Alice.” Alice says Tasha hasn’t called and asks where Dylan is. Come on, Queen Elizabeth, no-one on this show is allowed to end happy. Except Bette & Tina, kinda, but I think that’s just ’cause if Ilene made TiBetters unhappy, she might seriously need Obama-style bodyguards every time she dared to leave the house.
Max: “What did Jenny do?”
Helena: “Whatever. It doesn’t really matter.”
Truer words, Helena, were never spoken. QUOTE OF THE WEEK. “Whatever, it doesn’t really matter.” It doesn’t, does it? It’s all water under the bridge and in Jenny’s lungs by now, yeah? “Maybe Shane threw a bucket of water on her and she melted,” Max says. Alice laughs and compliments Max for saying something mean for once ’cause he never says mean things.
You know — this “getting trashed ’cause our heart hurts” thing that Alice, Shane, Helena and Dana have been known to do is a joke they’ve used a hundred times … and it’s sold me each and every time. I love it!
Much like tripping over something and falling, being drunk when you’re depressed/angry is always funny. I learned that thing about the falling from Carlytron. Anyhow now the alcohol has gone to Alice’s head and she’s gonna make up with Jenny … for Shane’s sake. Bette toasts to that. Let’s all be Jenny’s friend! She’s the new Casper the Friendly Ghost.
Carly: “They’re playing like bossa nova polka music.”
Riese: “I bet this loop is on garage band.”
Now we have Max giving us a memorable moment! “She really saw me for who I am, and she helped me accept it … it was the most important thing that ever happened to me. I never knew someone who could see someone’s inner desires and thoughts quite like Jenny …” Aw. See, that’s true. Who is Jenny? Who is Max? Who is Little Tink? Who is your Mom? Where is your child right now? Doing drugs.
Ah yes … these inner desires and thoughts …
Jenny’s looking around the mansion — “this is very fancy!” — when Foxy Brown says she’s got some beef with Jenny, that she needs to drop this thing about Bette and Kelly. But she can’t, Jenny says! Then who will kill her?
Jenny tells Kit: “I don’t wanna be involved in this, I can see that I’m making everybody uncomfortable, I can see that my friends don’t wanna be around me anymroe, that they want me to shut the fuck up and go away. I just wanna do the right thing.” And as Jenny sits there in her sparkly dress with her watery eyes and little tights and big-ass bag of who-knows-what … it gets really sad in my heart that Jenny’s gonna die or get killed. I’m totally, totally against killing.
Kit: “Do you have proof?”
Jenny: “I’m not a liar!”
Kit: “You don’t have proof.”
Jenny: “I don’t want to show you.”
Kit: “If you have proof, I want you to show me.”
So Jenny shows Kit the “video” (23) of Kelly & Bette. Kit — who, let’s recall, couldn’t discern Sunset’s true identity sans makeup and pearls — sees said video, apparently believes this is proof, looks disturbed. (24a)
Carly: “You guys can’t take video on an iphone.” (24b)
Bette says that Jenny is “complex, talented, self-destructive, sometimes very generous, but complicated, complex.” If you missed it, never fear, she’ll be saying it again in about two minutes. Doesn’t Bette look fabulous?
Oh now Shane is ready to clutter cleanse or whatnot. Out with the IKEA boxes! Let’s sell this shit! Out with old memories and old relationships! Hell, out with current relationships!
Carly: “This music leads me to believe that she’s close to finding it.”
In addition to a vintage Some of her Parts movie poster and Ilene Chaiken’s career, there are some suspect old items of clothing collecting dust in the attic possibly belonging to a prior owner — TIM I AM LOOKING AT YOU!
Riese: “Where’d that Cosby sweater come from?”
Carly: “Why has no one worn that yet — or the Snuggie that’s behind it?”
Carly: “Maybe there’ll be a big notebook up there titled ‘Alice’s Ideas.'”
Riese: “Helena’s relationship.”
Carly: “Videos of Kelly and Bette.”
Why did Jenny steal the negative? DID SHE? (25) Maybe we’ll get the answers in the police station, where Tina is explaining that everyone pronounced Lez Girls differently. Ah HA! case closed. What.
Bette’s gonna show everyone the master bedroom. They did spend a lot of money on a renovation just to end the show. The spin-off should be in this house, it can be a Sober Living Facility like they talk about on Intervention. If it’s defo gonna be about criminals. “Be careful you guys because the contractor bailed out on us and she didn’t fix the railing,” Tina says. Did you get that? About the railing. Watch out. I hear it’s UNFINISHED.
“I could spend my life in here,” says Alice in the brand new fancy shower like the goofball that she is.
Well, Al. Don’t drop the soap …
“Alice has one of the biggest hearts of anybody I know,” Tasha tells the po-pos. “She takes risks.” Like how she let Tasha sleep with Jamie. Did Tasha sleep with Jamie? I’m gonna make up that story in my own head — no. Happy ending! Not THAT kind of happy ending, weirdos. Obviously Tasha would never betray Alice like that.
“Risks?” They ask. LIKE DOES SHE TAKE THE RISK OF KILLING PEOPLE? DOES SHE?
The girls comment that it’s too bad they can’t enjoy this place while they have it. Bette says they’ve already enjoyed this place … wink wink. The most awesome part of this scene is that Alice is still standing in the shower, drinkin’ her drink.
ART THERAPY TIME!
Okay you guys don’t go to the railing. Warning 5,000. Kit confronts Bette about Kelly and says Jenny has proof and she saw it, and it’s sad that Kit doesn’t trust Bette either, and that Jenny has caused this mayhem by telling everyone about Bette & Kelly and I don’t know, my head spins.
Bette says “that’s not possible.” Well Jenny did learn Final Cut in one day and write a screenplay in three days so perhaps much like Bette’s rapid sign-language-learning skills, Jenny has not only created a stunning video, but almost in her own special way, made it real.
I wish suddenly this show would go sci-fi. I want everyone to turn into a Klingon and then there’d be a big laser-battle for the Gauntlet. Obvs Shane would win, look at the biceps on that hunk of burning love. No, JK, Adele would win, ’cause she’s a liar. Anyhow clearly it was Marine Jahan in that video with Kelly. Ilene don’t play me for a fool. I wasn’t born yesterday. If I had been, I wouldn’t have watched this show, ’cause this show sucked yesterday, just like it be sucking today, I was born in 1981, so I saw this show at the start and it was okay. Where was I? Ah yes. Dancing like I’d never danced before.
Nikki wants to know if she gets a lawyer. Of course you COULD have a lawyer, Xena says, but the other girls don’t need one ’cause they’re all so fiercely loyal and would never say anything to hurt the other. “They’re very very close and boy, they are looking out for one another.” (44 and 51)
Okay so let’s review:
1. The railing is not finished.
2. All of the characters on the show are fierecely loyal to one another.
3. It’s sweater weather.
Jenny wants everyone to go to the media room to watch the video and Helena & Alice turn around in their swirly chair like two drunk monkeys in a palace of fun. I wish Kit was wearing a bra. Jenny says the video’s three hours long (26) so they should probs get started watching it. Three hours? Well, I bet Angus had a lot of memories to share. Wherever he is. That nanny fucking motherfucker.
Alex: “I want everyone to go batshit crazy! I want Bette to be like ‘Arrrhhhhh! You’re dead Schecter!’ and push her off the ledge!”
Carly: “I’m so freaked out by everything that’s happening right now.”
Shane takes Tina to the attic to show her the negative. Tina is so outraged that she — um — acts outraged? (29) She even goes back to the house and says she’s gonna put Jenny Schecter out of her fucking misery. But somehow this desire rises up inside her before the desire to tell Bette what happened.
Jenny is walking around looking for Bette and can’t find her and then Bette emerges … dum dummmmm …
Lesbian Squabble #30: Redrum
In the Ring: Jenny vs. Bette
Content: Somewhere between this scene and the Glamour Shots runway ending, those of us who’d seen early spoiler videos assumed a key moment was missing — it was not.
Bette: “My family, and the life I’ve worked so hard to rebuild, means everything to me. And there’s nothing that I wouldn’t do to preserve and protect them.”
Jenny: ” I would never do anything to hurt your family, Bette. I love you, I love Tina.”
Bette: “Well I’m glad to hear that. Because you know what I don’t really care —”
Bette: “—if you think that I fucked Kelly. All that I really care about is that you know that I will not abide anyone who threatens my family.”
Midway through Season Four I had to stop counting “Lesbian Foreplay Moments” and “Lesbian Sex Moments” separately and instead combine the two for “Lesbian Sexy Moments” ’cause it became clear that no one was ever gonna fuck. This season, in it’s final episode, I think I have to do away with who wins, because the answer is abundantly unclear. And that, my friends, is the end of Jenny. Bette didn’t kill her, ’cause um no-one did, who knows wtf whatevs — let’s leave that open ended. But we never see her again. Well, until we get to heaven (that’s later).
Mourners Kaddish, anyone? Or we could just say the blessing over the wine and bread, I think that’s what Jenny improv’ed in season two.
They show the same clip of Bette in the po-po room again, then we return to the porch, where Shane & Alice are sitting on the dock of the bay, watching their show roll away.
Alice is gonna make peace with Jenny — otherwise she’ll be all alone without any friends, and Shane’s gonna be with Jenny, so. Shane lets Alice know it’s no longer an issue — Jenny has committed suicide and is currently collecting seaweed at the bottom of the pool for her underwater palace in heaven. There’ll be synchronized swimmers in glittery swimcaps and lots of splashie water. I mean they are not together anymore.
Alice: “I thought you said you couldn’t break up with her.”
Shane: “That was then.”
Shane’s still protecting Jenny, in a way. She’s not trash-talking or even spilling what Jenny did. She’s just saying — we’re not together. That’s sweet. Not as sweet as DEATH or lollipops, but sweet.
Back at HQ, Alice wants to know what these questions have to do with who killed Jenny. I can’t even get into this scene. “So you’re saying someone killed Jenny?” Xena asks. Then Alice looks around and is like “Oh, I thought we were in a police station ’cause there was a crime committed, right? Where are we? Old Country Buffet? Let’s dance pump up the Lady GaGa!”
Carly: “They should interrogate US, we have LOTS OF QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS.”
Tina has a sweater. Bette wants to tell Tina something. Tina wants to tell Bette something. Max wants to tell them something. Everyone wants a sweater. Everyone has things to tell. Max felt a kick.
Carly: “That wasn’t the kick.”
Riese: “That wasn’t a kick, it was the cone of the conehead baby.”
[Sidenote: I’m not intending to make fun of Max here, I’m intending to make fun of Ilene’s choice of impregnating someone who was on testosterone which is bad for a baby and also prevents pregnancy while it’s still being taken. Lawd knows Ilene doesn’t need me to make Max look bad, that’s pretty much been the point of his character since day one.]
Bette touches the baby, she’s trying to feel if it’s cute enough to be in family photos with Angelica. Honestly though a Tom-Max baby would probs be pretty fucking hot. I hope it gets Daniela’s eyes. When they aren’t bloodshot. From smoking. Crack. BWAH! Big reveal! JK. I wanna interview her for Autostraddle.
Sounder did it, Sounder did it. La la la. Where’s the blood? Where’s the body?
I’m stealing this screencap from Dorothy Surrenders because The L Word finale was so bad, it sucked out my soul and zapped me of the energy to re-create its glory myself:
Jenny has assembled a plethora of characters to say goodbye to Bette & Tina– I guess ’cause they didn’t have time to do it when they left the show? (27-28) Tim jokes that they got him away from that nutcase Jenny. Carmen says they deserve wonderful things in the world, and I say it was brave of Jenny to include Carmen knowing Shane still holds a torch (who wouldn’t, you know?). I hope Tina deletes Jodi’s cameo later, and I hope they have that party at Peggy’s mansion, and I hope we’re all invited.
“It’s a parade of ALL my exes,” Kit notes. I know she’s said sillier things this episode, but something about this one particularly just seems … Kittish. That parade would be kickass, I hope Ivan would be the grand marshall and TOE could be the marshmallow man.
Max thinks we should pause this three-hour masterpiece [it’s like HAMLET!] (35) and snag Jenny, ’cause he’s sure she wants to see everyone’s reactions, but she’s probs upstairs watching PuppyCam. Alice volunteers to go get her, ’cause they’re gonna be friends now. That’s exactly what Alice needs, another dead friend.
Kit’s on the teevee screen saying how they’ll always be in our hearts, and they’ll never forget us [sic], and maybe for one moment your heart swells and you think, me too, I’ll never forget you either, you silly cardboard people who changed my life, and then Alice comes in and if for one moment you can imagine she’s just sad that the show’s over, maybe your eyes might water a little. And then the Trail of Tears [Season Three] comes full circle … and dries right up.
Alice returns, upset: “You guys, the pool is filled with water lilies, it totally WAS Jenny’s idea!” And everyone’s like “I shot the sheriff,” and Max is like “But I didn’t shoot the deputy,” and then they’re all like UH HUH … HER? I mean Alice says — it’s Jenny, you guys, and Alice looks really upset, and it’s sad for like a second, I feel sad. But then everyone else stops feeling sad or even weird, so I just feel confused.
POOL NOISE! You hear a splash — I think that’s Shane going in. I THINK. I mean … I’ll never know. (36) And you hear Jenny’s voice on the video: “Bye Bette and Tina. I love you guys.” At this point, there’s only one theory besides “no-one” that I’m prepared to buy —
She killed herself. This video wasn’t for Bette & Tina, it was for Jenny. Dmm dumm dummm.
Here we are, back where we started from. What’s changed? Nothing. Well, Nikki’s in the bushes, Sounder found her (30). They’re gonna bring her into the room after they wheel the dead body back in and outta there for good measure. Everyone pay your final respects, weirdos! Here’s another memory of how things have changed:
The girls are now in the living room, where we last left them at the start of Season Six. (40-44) All the questions we had then — did Shane try to save Jenny? Did Bette? Did Jenny drown or jump or what? Injuries? Why is no-one upset? All these questions that albeit we never wanted to ask in the first place (as “Who Killed Jenny?” was an unnecessary subplot, we would’ve been perfectly happy to see eight episodes of girls dancing, loving, laughing, fucking, thinking and dreaming sans murder mystery) but asked nonetheless because we were made to — not answered. I was even prepared to cry a little bit when Shane jumped in the pool to save Jenny!
Alice says they don’t know what went on out there (33-36), and Helena volunteers that they all go down to the station (33-36). You know who else I suspect doesn’t know what went on out there? Ilene Chaiken. When the cops bring Nikki in, Shane asks what she’s doing there — she said she came to rescue Shane from Jenny’s box! Telepathically, from the bushes, Rapunzel, let down your hipster hair!
If Nikki’s such a big star that she can’t go on the Pink Ride without attracting attention, I’m not entirely sure how she made it into the bushes and consequently into the police station without so much as a DListed blind item (31) (56).
“Nikki SHUT UP!” Shane yells. That’s how their relationship is. Nikki says stuff, Shane tells her to shut up. Nikki’ll have plenty of time later to incriminate herself during Coptalk Therapy. Hm. I can see Shane’s nipple.
This part made my heart feel happy, and also made my eyes water, when Tasha comes in and tells Alice she’s still here. Yay!
Kit says they’ll “co-operate” with the police, which is kind, considering they don’t have a choice. There’s a Dead Horse in the middle of the room, it’s “we’re all bffs who will stick together no matter what.” Huh. I wonder if we’re supposed to hate Jenny enough to think it’s sweet that now they can all have this togetherness without her interference, but I guess I just can’t wrap my head around the idea that murder is ever a good thing, unless it’s like, Hitler. Especially when the character is a woman who’s survived rape and sexual abuse, has been institutionalized for six months and clearly is more ill than evil, but I’ve been told I mention that shit too much and should stop.
“You guys changed my life. Wow, you really did. So thank you. For everything. That’s it.”
–Jenny gets the last word
The girls all pull into the parking lot of the police station (49 and 50), serene music begins to play ..
And then the walkway begins … which I actually sort of admit that I liked. Because at least everyone got to be back together one more time; and smiling ..
Alex: “I feel like I’m on drugs.”
Carly: “This is like glamour shots.”
Riese: “I think they’re all in heaven, I think this is supposed to be heaven.”
Carly: “Uh-uh … that ain’t my heaven.”
“Yeah I remember you … I love you!”
“The show’s almost done, baby. You can go save the world now.”
Oh! Look Who’s Here!
And right up to the final minute … J-Beals is still doing her darndest to sell it. Bless her heart. For real.
The Round Up
Lesbian Squabbles: 3 this ep, 30 total
Lesbian Sexy Moments: 2 this ep, 12 all season
Quote of the Week: Helena
On a Scale of 1 to 10: donate
Well, kids, that coulda been better. Let’s move on to bigger and better things … ’cause this isn’t the end. After all, no one’s really told our stories yet.
“Two or three things I know, two or three things I know for sure,
and one of them is that to go on living I have to tell stories,
that stories are the one sure way I know to touch the heart, and change the world.”