Welcome back to Pretty Little Liars, Season 5, The One Where Ali Is Back. Good news: we totally killed A last week and the show’s over! You can all leave now, nothing to see here.

Wait, nah, let’s stretch this out a little more with an entire season of MOOOOOORE LIES.

“Well, this isn’t called the Pretty Little Tell-The-Truthers,” I said to my sister, mentally patting myself on the back for my own cleverness. I think she rolled her eyes. She’s just jealous she isn’t as funny as I am.

Oh, and one more thing before we suspend our disbelief for the next 42 minutes: Lizz is off being a doctor. I’m here. You’re here. We’re all here in this hot mess together. Let’s goooooo!

Emily is having NONE of this shit.

We arrive in Rosewood at who the fuck knows o’clock. The Liars get off the bus, looking exhausted. Ali tries to bolt at the last minute, but Emily grabs her and says, “Stop! You don’t need to run anymore. A is gone.” Hahahahahaha oh we were all young once.

The Liars convince Ali that she needs to go to the police station before going to see her mom. Ali really isn’t into the idea of telling the police the truth, but she tells the Liars she’ll do it anyway.

This album cover reveals Spencer’s actually dead, that’s why she’s out of step with all the other ones; this theory is totally sound.

They strut into the police station where they find Detective Holbrook, who is more than ready to hear the truth.

And that’s where we go wrong! Ali says, “I was kidnapped and held hostage for two years.”

And just like that, we + the Liars are all sucked back into another ridiculous lie for maybe no reason!

OMFG he can totally tell how high we are right now stop looking so high why did Aria give us those cookies OMFG stop laughing Spence

It’s pretty clear while Ali is telling Holbrook her story that he knows something is off. It’s only a matter of time before the Liars are in trouble for something Ali masterminded again.

Your hair smells so good… Is that… Is it Herbal Essences or what? Garnier?

Ali’s Dad shows up and so we are saved from the botched kidnapping story. I didn’t even recognize this guy, so I looked him up to see if he was the actor who always played Kenneth DiLaurentis and yep, it’s a fact. He was also in Law and Order, season 7, just saying.

The Liars take this moment to ask why Ali is lying, but that’s a trick question at this point. Why is Ali lying? WE WILL NEVER KNOW.

Spencer and Emily go back to Spencer’s, because Emily’s mom is out of town, so she’s hanging there, it seems.

Yes, we are all STILL constipated in this house.

Mrs. Hasting’s is super pissed that Spencer lied about Ali being dead or alive, and Spencer takes it personally, saying she had nothing to do with the dead girl in Ali’s grave.

‘Have you tried prune juice?’ Really, Spencer, you didn’t think we’d have done that already?!

Mrs. Hastings thaws slightly, and confesses that Melissa is back in town, saying she brought back attitude and secrets.

No, seriously, Mom, Dr. Lizz said you just shove a clove of garlic up there and pow, it’ll be gone in like a day.

Hanna’s mom is also pretty confused by this ordeal, and Hanna stress eats a grilled cheese; she’s a girl after my own heart. Hanna dodges her mom’s questions pretty badly, then tells her that “Yes, it was a nightmare, but it’s over, and she needs it to end.” Pretty clear we’re not talking about Ali anymore.

He’s like right behind me, isn’t he?

Over at the Montgomery residence, Mike asks Aria for all the gory details, which freaks out Aria. He overhears Aria asking about Fitz in the hospital, and Aria lies terribly and gets caught up saying she saw Ezra in the hospital. You’d think with so much practice they’d be expert liars at this point, you know?

Spencer finds Emily outside talking on the phone to her mom. She’s understandably pissed that they’re all sucked back into another of Ali’s lies.

Emily tries to find reasons to defend Ali, but before Spencer can punch her in the face, they notice Jason cleaning his car veeeery thoroughly in the middle of the night. They go over to investigate, and Ali opens her window to throw her phone out to Emily and Spencer.

There’s a threatening text (SURPRISE SURPRISE) and who knows who sent it?

This represents my entire thought process while watching this episode.

Dad, ugh, GET OUT, I’m busy telling Cindy about the past two years of my life!

Ali goes through her old things in her room, which was so creepily preserved after Maya was living in there and the DiLaurentis family moved out and in and out and in again. Ali’s dad suggests she sleeps downstairs to feel safer. This is a great moment with Ali’s dad, and I like him a lot, which means he’ll most likely try to murder her in an episode or two. He wants Ali to feel safe, which is cute but so not attainable at this point, and Ali seems genuine with him. He even kept a picture of Ali as a child and we can catch this glimpse of non-liar Alison.

TBT y’all

Let’s hold onto that and let it carry us through this season.

The prop director isn’t even TRYING anymore.

Aria is in bed reading Paradise Lost, which is so overly obvious but kind of perfect here, and she falls asleep to start dreaming of Shana playing the violin. Only, when she wakes up, violin music is still playing! It’s coming from outside!

Yeah, there’s some dude down there holding up a stereo, I’m going to call the cops.

Hanna calls, telling Aria about Ali’s text. Apparently Spencer and Emily didn’t want Aria to be in the know. Why are they still trying to keep secrets from one another? It’s infuriating. The text Ali received is the reason she lied to the police. Or at least, that’s the story she’s telling the Liars.

Aliburrito.

Ali tries to catch some shut eye, and she hears a door open. Then her door opens. Then Jason stands in her doorway, watching her sleep.

NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE

Here’s another famous Jason who would like to watch you sleep:

SERIOUSLY YOU GUYS THIS IS ALL JASON MAKES ME THINK OF ANYMORE

It was at this point that I, Sarah Hansen, a goddamn grown woman, realized I cannot watch this show when I am home alone. I can’t do it. Last week’s episode literally gave me nightmares and I had to wake my girlfriend up to give me a hug. I am a fragile soul and I just cannot with this dude standing in the doorway in the middle of the night right now.

I know you’re dating some Pastor dude but the tumblr shippers WANT this to happen, Ash.

Thank goodness we starsweep right away from my worst nightmare and into the next day, where we find Mr. DiLaurentis asking Ashley to look through Jessica DiLaurentis’ emails. Because that’s something she can do as an employee, I guess. Solid A+ idea. Mr. DiLaurentis mentions that Jason is dead inside, so that’s a good sign. Oh, and Hanna overhears this, so you know she’s going to find something. Does anyone else see a Mr. DiLaurentis and Ashley pairing in our future? No? Just me? Alright.

HI THIS SHOT IS A METAPHOR

Jason is creepily standing outside on the porch, looking at his phone, when Ali pops on out. She’d like some fresh air. She notices the parrot cage, also. She asks Jason why he hasn’t asked her many questions, and he makes up something weird about how she needs her space. Just then, a car pulls up, complete with a woman and a dog. Mrs. DiLaurentis ordered a dog from the shelter?

This is my new tagline.

The dog has “issues with men.” This show is just pandering to Autostraddle.com at this point, is it not? Misandrist Dog instantly becomes Ali’s new bff because that’s how adopting dogs work. You just call the shelter and say, “I’d like a dog, please” and they deliver one with NO QUESTIONS ASKED!

Hey babe, did you get that buttplug I had sent to your house? Really? You’re wearing it right now?

Mike finds Mona outside of a cafe, holding a box full of whistles, which is hilariously whistleblower to me. This scene has me thinking that Mike knows nothing, because he seems excited to talk to Mona about Ali being alive. Poor little chap. He tells Mona he misses her, and her oversized pearl earrings blush a little.

Spencer and Emily discuss Hanna telling Aria about the text, and like omg can u even believe it?! Spencer thinks that Jenna is behind the text, which is convenient because isn’t Jenna in a coma?

It always comes back to lesbian drama! This show is surprisingly realistic sometimes when it comes to the truth of our people.

The only bakery you need to worry about on Bleecker.

Spencer digs through the DiLaurentis’ trash to find a bag from Bleecker Street, which is in NEW YORK CITY. Jason was in New York. What if he’s been following her for weeks? Has Ali’s mom been having him track Ali?

Mic drop.

Wait, the lyrics are “I sneezed on the beat and the beat got sicker” and I still think this song is the best song ever written? Fair enough.

Aria’s hanging out in her room Googling “Dead girl Georgia Do people totally know it’s me yet?” when some violin music pops up on her iPod. The same music she was hearing last night. She battles this terror by forcefully grabbing a blanket off her bed. Funny, that’s my tactic when I’m scared as well.

Yeah, of course I saw that episode with Big and Little Boo but I just don’t think that’s a great idea, Ali.

Over at Ali’s house, Spencer, Emily, Ali, and Misandrist Dog (just kidding, I bet the dog doesn’t hate all men) hang out and discuss why Jason could have been in New York City/Ali’s room last night. They invite Ali over to Spencer’s, but Ali’s dad is being a little protective, which is understandable! Ali is upset about the Jason theory, and Spencer stands up to Ali about how she had held the truth about Jason’s parentage over the Hasting’s heads. Spencer points out that no one would believe the Liars about anything at this point, which is true, and Emily asks Alison what she’s going to do. She says, “I have a few ideas” which sets Spencer off. Seems like Spencer is completely done living on Planet Alison. Ali claims she made up the lie to protect Aria, rehashing the old, “Aria kind of killed someone, remember?” line, which is so dumb.

This is why you call the police when there are accidents. This is why you call the police when you accidentally kill someone. I saw I Know What You Did Last Summer, I know what’s up.

Seriously though, does no one remember when Emily killed that guy in self-defense and she didn’t go to jail for the rest of her life? No?

I was just looking at this post on Autostraddle.com about OITNB characters as they appeared in Law and Order and it’s so genius, Hanna, you have to see it.

Meanwhile, at Hanna’s house, Ashley admits she is having a moral crisis opening Jessica’s emails. Do you guys think it’s weird that in almost every scene with Hanna, she’s in the kitchen, eating something? Are they reviving her eating disorder storyline? We can do better, PLL.

Ashley goes to answer the phone so Hanna leans on in to the computer. Check out those emails, girl!

Is Mrs. Hasting’s “d’aww”ing or throwing up in her mouth? Can’t tell.

But nope, we’re dragged back to the Hasting’s house, because Toby is back. Woo. Great. Turns out Toby never saw Melissa in London. Toby saw Wren, not Melissa. So Wren is in London. Okayyyyy? Mrs. Hasting leaves, so Toby and Spencer run upstairs to have the sex, but not before Spencer lies to him a bit.

Yeah, but Ali from Autostraddle isn’t here to teach me how to hula hoop and so my afternoon plans are totally fucked now.

Emily finds Aria at the mysterious shed I’ve never seen/heard of. Hadn’t they hung out in Spencer’s barn before? Was I wrong about that? I am positive you will let me know I am wrong in the comments, and I appreciate you PLL fans always keeping me on my toes. Anyway, in their favorite hangout, The Shed, Aria is making a bed on the floor. She’s panicking, and Emily is talking her off the ledge about the text.

They fight about whether or not Shana is A and what to do about Ali’s story, and Aria flies off the handle, understandably, because she killed a person and PTSD is a thing.

Poor Aria. Someone get this girl to a therapist, stat. Emily finally points out that she totally killed Nate, too, and you have to think about it as you versus them. Aria needs to rely on Emily’s experience a little more.

I gotta stop staring at these NSFW Sunday pictures and actually do something today.

Hanna’s finally looking at the emails.

I love how PLL continues to make up how technology works.

She brilliantly opens up Drafts to find an email from Jessica to “undisclosed recipients” (not how email works but whatever) saying she can’t protect someone anymore. Who can’t she protect? Jason? The person she gave a suitcase to in the woods? Ali?

Dad, I’m like 37, you can’t force me to mow the lawn anymore.

But crossfade into the DiLaurentis residence, where Jason and Mr. D are fighting. Looks like Mr. D doesn’t trust Jason to leave the house.

Nooo, no, no, not ALL men.

Emily awkwardly pops out with the Misandrist Dog who seems not to mind Jason and Mr. D. Mr. D is like, “Wait, who the fuck bought a dog?” He seems to think Mrs. D is hiding out in Philly, where Jason wants to go.

Aria stomps on into her own damn home to find Mona and Mike canoodling on the couch.Guh-ross.

Quick, Lucy, look surprised. GREAT. Okay, now try disgusted. PERFECT. Pissed? Nailed it. Kind of sleepy? Got it. Good, good, now do all of those in one expression. And go.

Mona makes a remark about Aria walking around all by herself, given what happened to Alison. Hmmmm. Mike mentions he borrowed Aria’s iPod, which could explain where the violin music came from. He also says the violin music was coming from his room. Suss. Aria calls out Mona for being a fake as soon as Mike leaves the room.

So then you wrap your lips around it like this, and flick your tongue kinda lightly, and, well, you’ll see.

Mona’s dangerous. She wears leather jackets. Now that Aria knows about the Lost Woods and Mona, she can’t even pretend to trust her. Mona asks how Mr. Fitz is doing. Soooo, she knows.

Dog totally isn’t having issues with Mr. D. All is well that ends well, right? Right?

Totes innocent tho

Hanna heads on over to the DiLaurentis house to give Mr. D the emails from Jessica’s account, mentioning she was on a yoga retreat? Yeah, right. Emily comes back from walking the pup, and they leave together to climb into Hanna’s car and scheme. Hanna wants to tell Hanna about the email she found, and Emily reports that Jason is hiding Mrs. D in Philly.

Just then, Jason pops up at the window and scares the shit out of Hanna and Emily, threatening them from helping our Mr. D re: Mrs. D any longer.

They follow Jason to Philly, naturally, and he visits a strange apartment building.

No, sir, we really definitely completely don’t want to be buying what you’re selling.

Emily and Hanna wait for him to leave so they can visit the apartment he was in, but a super creepy dude tells them to leave before they can find anything. Womp womp.

Yeah, babe, but I’m stuck on this level of Candy Crush and I need to focus on what’s important to me right now.

After what I’m assuming was sex with a cami and bra still on, Toby and Spencer spoon. I’d like Toby so much more if he was the little spoon. Also, can we all agree that his hair is the weirdest it has ever been? What’s going on there, buddy? Spencer’s phone is ringing off the hook as she cuddles Toby. Just put the damn thing on silent, seriously, I’d be so pissed if my girlfriend’s phone was psycho ringing like that. Toby picks up that Spencer is upset about something, but she doesn’t tell him anything, because the Liars are way better at bottling things up then letting people in. Can you even blame them at this point?

GUYS IT IS SO META CAN YOU EVEN STAND IT

Down at the Mossoleum, a totally perfectly normal place to hang, Ali is visiting her grave. Mona finds her there and Ali pleads that she’s changed, that they could be friends now. Mona’s not buying it.

In fact, she confesses that she sent the text. Looks like no BFF necklaces here for the moment.

Aria’s over at Spencer’s house, saying she’s FOR SURE going to the cops, but Hanna and Emily are plotting what they need to do about Jason instead. Aria’s freaking about Mona knowing they were in New York, and Emily assures her Mona is dead as Hanna says A is dead. Aria’s not so convinced.

You’re breaking in to my house at night and I’M the creep here?

Spencer isn’t at the house meeting at her house, because instead she’s busting into Ali’s house. The door’s open, she waltzes on in, and Jason is sitting in the dark. Spencer asks him if he was in New York, and he denies it all. He asks if Spencer thinks Jason is the one who kidnapped her, and that Mr. D is trying to frame him for it. But before we can get answers, the Man Issues Dog is barking outside. Is it a man? Is Timmy stuck in a well? They walk outside and Emily asks the dog what’s wrong like it’s going to answer.

Maybe the shelter lady actually meant “Issues With Digging Up Dead Bodies”

You know what’s wrong? The dog found Mrs. D buried in the yard, right in the same spot as Alison.

Mouth slightly agape? Check. Glistening eyes? Check. Furrowed brow? Check. See – totally upset.

When Jason sees, he looks honestly shocked and upset. Now, he’s always been a good actor, but that didn’t seem like a I Killed My Mom look, you know?

blending in don’t even worry about it y’all

The cops show up to take the body and Ali stands in the middle of it in a black hoodie, like no one is going to notice the girl standing in the middle of everything in a hooded jacket. Poor Alison. I genuinely feel bad for her at this point. Her welcome home isn’t going very well at this point, is it?

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