Welcome back to Pretty Little Liars, Season 5, The One Where Ali Is Back. Good news: we totally killed A last week and the show’s over! You can all leave now, nothing to see here.
Wait, nah, let’s stretch this out a little more with an entire season of MOOOOOORE LIES.
“Well, this isn’t called the Pretty Little Tell-The-Truthers,” I said to my sister, mentally patting myself on the back for my own cleverness. I think she rolled her eyes. She’s just jealous she isn’t as funny as I am.
Oh, and one more thing before we suspend our disbelief for the next 42 minutes: Lizz is off being a doctor. I’m here. You’re here. We’re all here in this hot mess together. Let’s goooooo!
We arrive in Rosewood at who the fuck knows o’clock. The Liars get off the bus, looking exhausted. Ali tries to bolt at the last minute, but Emily grabs her and says, “Stop! You don’t need to run anymore. A is gone.” Hahahahahaha oh we were all young once.
The Liars convince Ali that she needs to go to the police station before going to see her mom. Ali really isn’t into the idea of telling the police the truth, but she tells the Liars she’ll do it anyway.
They strut into the police station where they find Detective Holbrook, who is more than ready to hear the truth.
And that’s where we go wrong! Ali says, “I was kidnapped and held hostage for two years.”
And just like that, we + the Liars are all sucked back into another ridiculous lie for maybe no reason!
It’s pretty clear while Ali is telling Holbrook her story that he knows something is off. It’s only a matter of time before the Liars are in trouble for something Ali masterminded again.
Ali’s Dad shows up and so we are saved from the botched kidnapping story. I didn’t even recognize this guy, so I looked him up to see if he was the actor who always played Kenneth DiLaurentis and yep, it’s a fact. He was also in Law and Order, season 7, just saying.
The Liars take this moment to ask why Ali is lying, but that’s a trick question at this point. Why is Ali lying? WE WILL NEVER KNOW.
Spencer and Emily go back to Spencer’s, because Emily’s mom is out of town, so she’s hanging there, it seems.
Mrs. Hasting’s is super pissed that Spencer lied about Ali being dead or alive, and Spencer takes it personally, saying she had nothing to do with the dead girl in Ali’s grave.
Mrs. Hastings thaws slightly, and confesses that Melissa is back in town, saying she brought back attitude and secrets.
Hanna’s mom is also pretty confused by this ordeal, and Hanna stress eats a grilled cheese; she’s a girl after my own heart. Hanna dodges her mom’s questions pretty badly, then tells her that “Yes, it was a nightmare, but it’s over, and she needs it to end.” Pretty clear we’re not talking about Ali anymore.
Over at the Montgomery residence, Mike asks Aria for all the gory details, which freaks out Aria. He overhears Aria asking about Fitz in the hospital, and Aria lies terribly and gets caught up saying she saw Ezra in the hospital. You’d think with so much practice they’d be expert liars at this point, you know?
Spencer finds Emily outside talking on the phone to her mom. She’s understandably pissed that they’re all sucked back into another of Ali’s lies.
Emily tries to find reasons to defend Ali, but before Spencer can punch her in the face, they notice Jason cleaning his car veeeery thoroughly in the middle of the night. They go over to investigate, and Ali opens her window to throw her phone out to Emily and Spencer.
There’s a threatening text (SURPRISE SURPRISE) and who knows who sent it?
Ali goes through her old things in her room, which was so creepily preserved after Maya was living in there and the DiLaurentis family moved out and in and out and in again. Ali’s dad suggests she sleeps downstairs to feel safer. This is a great moment with Ali’s dad, and I like him a lot, which means he’ll most likely try to murder her in an episode or two. He wants Ali to feel safe, which is cute but so not attainable at this point, and Ali seems genuine with him. He even kept a picture of Ali as a child and we can catch this glimpse of non-liar Alison.
Let’s hold onto that and let it carry us through this season.
Aria is in bed reading Paradise Lost, which is so overly obvious but kind of perfect here, and she falls asleep to start dreaming of Shana playing the violin. Only, when she wakes up, violin music is still playing! It’s coming from outside!
Hanna calls, telling Aria about Ali’s text. Apparently Spencer and Emily didn’t want Aria to be in the know. Why are they still trying to keep secrets from one another? It’s infuriating. The text Ali received is the reason she lied to the police. Or at least, that’s the story she’s telling the Liars.
Ali tries to catch some shut eye, and she hears a door open. Then her door opens. Then Jason stands in her doorway, watching her sleep.
Here’s another famous Jason who would like to watch you sleep:
It was at this point that I, Sarah Hansen, a goddamn grown woman, realized I cannot watch this show when I am home alone. I can’t do it. Last week’s episode literally gave me nightmares and I had to wake my girlfriend up to give me a hug. I am a fragile soul and I just cannot with this dude standing in the doorway in the middle of the night right now.