This post contains spoilers for Euphoria season two and Dune: Part Two.

I am no expert on the world of Frank Herbert’s sci-fi saga Dune. Before Denis Villeneuve did his take, my only familiarity with the story was through David Lynch’s much-maligned 1984 version and the documentary about Alejandro Jodorowsky’s never-made adaptation. I’ve never read the books and the main draw of Dune (2021) for me was the cast, including Zendaya.

You see, I’m not an expert on Dune, but I am an expert on Euphoria, the show that gave Zendaya two Emmys and gave me two hundred headaches as I recapped it for this very site. And so as I watched Zendaya dazzle during Part Two, I thought of her performance as Rue, and her ability to shine even when characters are underwritten.

I also thought about how the Euphoria teens would react if dropped onto the planet Arrakis. Who would live? Who would die? Who would ride the worms? I’m here to answer these very important questions.

Get ready for the Zendaya crossover nobody wanted!

12. Ethan

Sam Levinson’s stand-in would die immediately, because he’d think he was Paul Atreidis without having any of the training. Within seconds he’d say something stupid to a Freman or challenge someone to some duel or just trip over his own feet and choke.

11. Cassie Howard

Can’t you just hear Sydney Sweeney shrieking in the Cassie voice, “There’s sand everywhere!” Part of survival is a will to live and I just can’t imagine Cassie wanting to spend more than an hour in the discomfort of Arrakis.

10. Elliot

This dweeb would take out his acoustic guitar and be killed promptly by the Freman.

9. Kat Hernandez

Kat is one of my favorite characters, despite her terrible treatment by the show. Alas, she would not survive Dune. She’s scrappier than Cassie and that might keep her alive for a bit longer. I still can’t see this privileged suburban teen lasting more than a couple of hours.

8. Maddy Perez

Maddy would be great on some of the other planets in the Dune universe (Duniverse?). I can see her power-playing her way to the top of the empire. But Arrakis? No, sorry, she would be killed promptly by the Freman.

7. Nate Jacobs

Nate would have the same problems as Ethan, but at least he has the strength to back it up. Then again, he’s not trained in fighting so maybe his height and strength would make him die quicker?? I do trust he could ride those worms though. Nate is a man who loves a worm of any gender.

6. Gia Bennet

She’s tough due to her experiences with her sister and I can see her endearing herself to someone who would place her in their protection. But she’s also a child! A child from the suburbs!

5. Fezco

Fezco is too kind for the world of Dune. Due to his experiences as a drug dealer surviving a variety of violent characters, I do think he’d hold on for a while. He could also maybe earn the trust of the Freman. But I’m just not sure he’s enough of a fighter to go all the way.

4. Rue Bennet

Let’s pretend, Chani and Rue are not both played by Zendaya and in this universe would not look identical. I still think Rue is tough enough to last for a while. She’s like a cat, the way she teases death and makes it out alive. But Arrakis is not the suburbs, even the suburbs overrun with cartoonish drug dealers. So, alas, she would still die.

3. Jules Vaughn

With her blue eyes and striking features, Jules could maybe pass herself off as the Lisan Al Gaib. Transsexuals are good at surviving and I think with a mix of charm and beauty and determination, she could receive a reluctant acceptance from the Freman. How long would it last? That’s another story. Much like Jules and Rue’s relationship, her time on Arrakis would likely be doomed. She is, after all, just another teen from the suburbs.

2. Ashtray

Innocent looking enough to not pose an immediate threat, violent and scrappy enough to survive. If Ashtray could master the art of the sand walk, I think he could make it. If anyone is worthy of the name of the sand mouse, Muad’Dib, it’s Ash. Then again, he couldn’t even survive the Euphoria universe so maybe I’m being optimistic.

1. Lexi Howard

Oh no. Oh no. The Freman trusted Lexi, but now the power is getting to her head. Her visions of fire and death are approaching. The emperor has kissed her ring and she will destroy worlds to fulfill the prophecy and control the spice. No, Lexi. The Freman should lead themselves. You believed this once too! Stop before it’s too late! Stop, Lexi! No! Noooooo!

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