Hellllloooooo ladiesss, you’re lookin’ good today. As you may or may not know, after a few years of coming out, dating, and general lesbian tomfoolery, Katrina C. Danger is off the market. I know, I know, this is shocking/appalling, as we all expected me to lesbian bromance my days away in the sunkissed shores of an eternal Dinah Shore right here at my East Coast university, but alas, these days of lesbian playerhood are not forever, and I need someone to take my place.
Namely you.
Yeah, you. I see you over there thinking about getting that cute new alternative lifestyle haircut to attract the ladies. You can do it, and Autostraddle can help. Here are some Dos and Don’ts for picking up chicks, KC Danger style.
(Sidenote: While I am, in fact, a doctor of such things as lesbian bromance, I recommend that my guidance on chicks be taken with a grain of salt, as giving advice on this kind of thing makes me feel like I’m wearing a silly leopard print pimp hat.)
Do’s for Picking Up Chicks:
+
Make gay eye contact.
You know what I’m talking about, bros. It’s that moment where you spot a girl down the street or from across the room. Something seems different. Maybe it’s the extra bit of swagger or the conspicuous skinny jeans and Chuck Taylors. Maybe you overheard her say “Tegan and Sara” or “Turkish oil wrestling.”
Maybe she looked at you first–did she? Well, look back!
I know, this is a relatively simple concept, looking at people you’re interested in, but there’s a special brand of eye contact that goes on between two girls who like girls. It lasts barely half a second, but that flit of eye contact can mean so much. Like an agreement or an acknowledgement or membership in a (not-so) secret club–a club called ‘lesbians.’ It’s a “you’re gay, I’m gay” kinda thing. Very preliminary in picking up chicks, but also very important, especially if you’re not in a specifically queer environment. Gay eye contact allows you to circumvent all that hassle of accidentally hitting on straight girls. Unless, you know, you’re into that kind of thing.
Be confident.
Does that sound cliche? It might, but that’s because it’s true. No one’s going to believe in your game if you don’t believe in your game (even if you’re not the gaming type). And confidence, not to be confused with cockiness or flashiness, is attractive. It’s convincing. And it’s totally visible. Seriously, whoever you’re talking to is going to read off your cues, and so if you’re putting yourself down or always apologizing, she’ll believe you have reason to do so. You’re good at something, I promise, so talk about that a little. And even if you’re not good at anything, know–not think–that you’re cute and charming enough to pull it off. Play to your strengths, and you’ll come of as charming and worth getting to know.
Be subtle.
As in, don’t show up with your pants off (this only works sometimes). Yeah, you want her to know you’re into her, but there’s no need to throw yourself all over anyone. Sometimes it’s fun to be kept guessing. Leaving a little out will keep her guessing, which means she’ll want to talk to you more.
Have a signature move.
To pull this one off, you’re first going to have to master being confident. Figure out what makes you look cute and do it. I like to smirk and nod. My girlfriend apparently used to wink to pick up girls. Did you know that people still winked? That’s because they don’t, and that’s why it worked.
Make her laugh/Say nice things.
You don’t even really need to be funny for this one, as ‘charmingly awkward’ usually works too. This is very convenient because awkward lesbians are a plentiful species. Did you just fall over yourself after trying to chase a dropped cigarette into the street? That’s fine, laugh it off, it looks like you did it on purpose. As far as saying nice things go, that’s pretty self-explanatory. Everyone likes to be complimented! Make sure you mean it though. And make sure it’s not too out there. “Hey, I like that plaid shirt” is okay. “Hey, you have really nice armpits” (this has actually happened to me) is not.
Touch.
This doesn’t mean grope. This doesn’t mean yawn and put your arm around or sticking hands inside of pockets and keeping them warm while I’m still here. This means putting your hand on her arm when you laugh or putting your arm around her shoulders (no fake yawning allowed). You don’t have to rush this part, as success in the rest of these tips will result in more of this later. If you know what I’m sayin’.
Drop Autostraddle’s name.
Autostraddle makes the panties drop. The end. Fo reals though, there are just certain things that lesbians love to talk about. Between talking, laughing, loving, breathing, fighting, etc etc, we’re up to a lot. Don’t be afraid to bring it up, you’ll probably get a few laughs.
Get in with her friends.
When the Spice Girls told this to baby gay KC Danger over ten years ago, I had no idea how relevant this would be. Your friends know you more than you give them credit for, and they’re always (usually?) looking out for your best interest. The same goes for her. Besides, birds (gays?) of a feather pick up chicks together, and you can tell a lot about a girl by who she’s hanging out with.
Go for it.
Don’t be shy! Everyone’s at least a little nervous, and besides, what good is it going to do you if you’re just standing in the corner waiting to be approached? I mean, some girls are this lucky, but most probably aren’t. You have to take initiative! Come on bros, just by being out you’re fighting the good fight and resisting the patriarchy etc. etc. The hard part is already over! Your hair looks fine, she’ll totally think you’re interesting, now go out there and pick up chicks, man.
Don’ts for Picking Up Chicks
+
Ask for her number unless you actually mean it.
And don’t say you’ll call back if you won’t. This is only stressful! There are only so many times you can pretend you were in the bathroom or didn’t hear the phone ringing or were busy mackin’ on another girl before you finally have to pick up and say you’re not interested. I mean, you could keep ignoring the calls until they go away, because sometimes they go away…and sometimes they show up outside your house. Don’t take this risk, you may end up committing an interrobang!
Also, be serious about why you may or may not be calling someone back.
I never called this one girl back because she had a really boring name, and I thought that if things worked out, it would look dumb to have her listed on my Facebook profile. This is where my priorities lie, apparently, and this is probably why I work on the Internet. Though it seemed totally reasonable at the time, I realize the absurdity now and should probably offer her some sort of public apology or perhaps a brainstorming session for a cool new nickname. My point is that if you’re interested, you’re interested, and if you’re not, then you’re not. No big deal, just make sure you’re not making excuses so that you don’t have to call back when you say you will.
Have a business card.
There was legitimately a point last year where I thought it might be hilarious to carry around this business card: 
I then, for some reason, thought it would be just as good (if not better!) as a calling card. I never went through with using it for either of these purposes, which is good because that shit is tacky.
Handing out a business card with a silhouette of a sexy lady probably hasn’t been a problem for most of you, but what I’m trying to say is keep it fun. You may have a mullet, but that doesn’t mean you have to act like one–this means business isn’t always in the front. Have fun, be fun, you’re fun, you look great in that shirt!
Be subtle.
I know I just told you to do this, but now I’m going to tell you not to. Subtlety is good, but not to the point where a girl has no idea you’re interested in her. Flirt, be a little suggestive, tell her she’s cute–there’s no one who doesn’t like being told that they’re attractive.
Bold moves are admirable when executed correctly.
Last year I was running the first meeting of my school’s Queer Women’s Advocacy Committee, and a girl walked in late. We were going around the room introducing ourselves and saying why we were interested in the organization. While most girls answered, “My name is _____, and I’m here because I believe in visibility/outreach/magic,” this girl introduced herself and said, “I’m here because I think Katrina is really cute.” Sold. We went out later that night.
You have to be careful with overt statements like this though. As easily as you can be considered confident and outgoing, you can also be considered totally cray-cray. These moves are short-term attention-grabbers, not an ongoing way of interaction.
Use lines…bad ones.
“Are you the ocean? Because I want you, right now.” Don’t use these, everyone knows they’re lines! And worse off, the girl you’re talking to will know you’ve used it to try to get other girls before. This will not, in fact, score you an invitation into anyone’s pants–it probably won’t even score you an invitation into a conversation. In spite of the fact that I’m writing this how-to guide on picking up ladies, I want to emphasize the importance of the fact that all girls are different! So don’t come at them with generic lines. Whoever you’re pursuing should be your only romantic focus at that very moment; flirting with someone you’re not interested in just because you can do it is usually boring and pretty unsatisfying.
Be too drunk.
Let’s admit it: being a little inebriated is temping when you’re trying to fight off that girl-on-girl nervousness. This is understandable and usually enabled by the fact that meeting other lesbians is something that tends to happen in very social settings.
It’s cool to want to calm your nerves, but don’t let it get too far, because that tends to get messy. Literally. You can buy her a drank, but if you find that you’re actually saying the word ‘drank’ out loud as a noun, you probably have had one too many of them.No one likes being sloppily hit on, and you’re not making a good first impression by spilling your beer and slurring your words. You’ll probably feel embarrassed about it afterward anyway, so save everyone. Know your limits. If you exceed them, that’s fine–there’s nothing wrong with just having a night out with friends.
Be an asshole.
We all know we’re conditioned to equate someone being playfully mean with you with them being interested, and sometimes that’s the case. But also sometimes it’s not. Occasional teasing is fine, especially if you know her already, but excessive use of this can go embarrassingly awry.
Flaunt your promiscuity.
I was going to call this ‘Don’t be a ho,’ but the use of that word seemed somehow feministly offensive, and you get the point. There’s something to be said for leaving a little bit up to the imagination. Booty dancing in gold lame shorts does not scream “date me!” But maybe that’s not what you’re looking for, in which case, go for it.
Be flashy.
No bragging, no absurd lesbian bling (I don’t even know what that would consist of), and no insisting on paying for everyone’s everything after they refuse time and time again. It’s awkward and unattractive and sometimes a little funny, just not in the way that you want. You don’t need to throw material things around to win someone over. Unless you’re trying to be an Autostraddle intern’s sugar mama, in which case we can probably talk later. Kidding. Mostly.
Think you’re Shane.
You’re not! No one is, really. Because here’s the thing: Shane is not real. Yeah, chick magnets exist, but you always know that skinny girl with the straightened hair and the eyeliner brooding in the corner thinking she’s in the L Word. She’s not, and everyone knows. Besides, being a lesbian player isn’t something you chose—it chooses you, so it’ll happen if it’s meant to be, and if not, the player thing gets kind of old anyway.
Get discouraged.
Barely anyone’s batting a thousand when it comes to picking up chicks. You’re always going to have to be willing to get rejected, especially when all them cute girls seem to always have girlfriends. Don’t take it personally, especially since you’re going to be rejecting people too. If it’s not right, then it’s not right. There are plenty of girl-on-girls out there waiting to be Autostraddled, so get out there and get on it!
Photos courtesy of: The lovely and talented Rachel Horesovsky.
76 responses to “How To Pick Up Chicks: A Lesbian Guide to Getting Girl-on-Girl Action”
The “Be Subtle” photo is my absolute most favorite thing.
Personally I enjoy “Bad Touch”
“No really, don’t be too drunk.”
/ after the LOL-apalooza that occurred while reading this article, i would gladly be Katrina’s sugar mama. But I heard she’s taken.
I love this and had a great time reading it! Don’t forget about us girly girls out there when you keep saying Bro and Man! We wanna creep up on a lady sometimes and have our chance to bag one, too!
i just like the first one where katrina’s being held like a baby.
“Don’t be too drunk.” Words to live by. May or may not have lost an opportunity last weekend because of it. Wahhhhh.
Anyway, this is golden bro. #love
I spotted a Shane or 5 at the Tegan & Sara show this weekend.
HAH you made the business card.
congrats, you’re finally professional.
OMG! I’ve had a girl compliment my armpits too! That’s so weird. It actually made me feel worse though. Like what is wrong with the rest of me that you have to get to armpits before you like something.
I don’t know if Intern Lily’s told you, but there’s this girl named Ana at Barnard College (where I attend) who knows you and thinks I resemble you (I’m also Filipino) and she exclusively calls me Katrina Casino. I don’t think she knows my real name either…hm. But look at that: you’re the real Katrina Casino! What a small world.
Anyway… um, great article! Perhaps one day I will transform from the allegorical version of you to the real damn thing. Just really gotta work on that hitting-on-people-without-spilling-beer part…
ummmm, this is amazing!
I find myself executing the “bad touch” quite often, with varying results.
and by varying results i mean varying degrees of wild success.
sweet. can i get your number?
Katrina C. Danger, this is gold!
this was hillariously helpful.
i’ve def been “too drunk” before, it is quite embarrassing the next time you see her. plus if you’re too drunk you sometimes pass out/get dragged away by friends before you get a chance to seal the deal.
“No really, don’t be too drunk” and “Bad Touch” are my personal favorites. That and use of “cray-cray”. I can’t read/say that without laughing every time.
I obviously need to print this and keep it in my pocket at all times.
wait, that’s exactly what i was going to say.
is u a girl or boy cause i like girls
this is slightly awkward, I was thinking the exact same thing.
there are so many things related to Autostraddle that i wish could be turned into giant inspirational/how-to posters. this article would be one of those things. WE COULD SELL THE POSTERS TO LGBTQ CLUBS. i’m so serious.
—
Be Subtle is obvs the best one x infinity.
I’d LOVE to have a poster of this. Just sayin.
This is incredible.
“Autostraddle makes the panties drop. The end. Fo reals though”
absolutely true story: i invited this one girl to be a fan of autostraddle on facebook like three weeks ago, and now i have a hickey the size of a nectarine. it works, ladies.
FACT
rachel tested; autostraddle approved.
Fabulous.
I agree with needing a pocket sized print out.
—–
P.S. I would also say talking about ex’s/other hot chicas is a total don’t in my book. Hopefully I’m not the only one, but that is a major pet peeve/turn off when a girl does that excessively. yaknowwhatimean?
Bad touch. It’s like neither of them are enjoying it.
I’m thinking back, and as far as I can remember, this might be the funniest Autostraddle article yet.
Oh I have a lesbian business card.
But I only hand it out to straight men who ask for my number.
Yeah it’s a cute article but some of us are more sophisticated an would like to read something a bit more provocative than a how to guide for picking up girls.
How about a how to guide for getting that most beautiful and wanted Lesbian that all of the dykes in your circle want? How about getting someone who’s dated an older lesbian or better yet how about getting someone a little more worldly and who doesn’t think of crossing someone off merely because they have a “Boring” name, because that what older lesbians have to face when dating younger lesbians.
Oh well better luck next time.
And some of us loved it so much we wanted to marry it. Suck it.
sapphic ladies, calm down.
urban sapphic, i appreciate your input and totally understand where you’re coming from. but like you pointed out, this is just a how-to. a lot of what i said in this piece draws from when i was very much enjoying being single and crazy and picking up chicks. i have, however, dated older girls and gotten “that lesbian” and apologized to that girl with the boring name. if i can get enough gay blessings, i’d totally love to do a picking up chicks 201.
and sapphicsass,
1. my girlfriend just thought your username was “sapphic’s ass.”
2. only if you gay marry it.
a. My username like a rare oil painting that can be interpreted in a plethora of ways, all of which are correct.
b. I will gay marry it, I will domestic partnership it, I will common law it, and I will even make it breakfast in bed.
I’d certainly hope there’s more than one article to be written about how to pick up ladies. This isn’t the first & last word. Katrina is not Moses, this is not The Bible/Wikipedia. It’s just one article by one girl standing in front of a bunch of girls without pants on, asking them to laugh at her.
.
Expecting this one piece to cover the breadth of topics you mention suggests either a hierarchy exists & is being disregarded or that these topics are small enough to be contained in one article.
.
FYI, we always welcome suggestions and constructive criticism, so no need to be defensive or mad from the get-go. Just a: “Hey this looked great, not up my alley, but I’d love to see you girls do a piece on how to pick up older women, or by someone who doesn’t make jokes about names on Facebook!” would’ve been very well-received. I know many of us here at AS have extensive Older Women experience.
Also the most beautiful and wanted girl all the dykes want is now taken, that’s covered in paragraph #1.
It’s just one article by one girl standing in front of a bunch of girls without pants on, asking them to laugh at her.
i don’t think i’ve ever read a more accurate summary of my internet persona ever.
I loved this! And I’m incorporating “cray-cray” into my vocabulary.
AWESOME.
Fucking loved this. I’ve been waiting for it for such a long time and it was even better than I expected.
PS: KC Danger pantless on the internet! I AM SO PROUD.
I love KC Danger and I am sad that I cannot gay marry her now as I had intended. Damn you, KC Danger.
do not fart on her…
http://www.ladylovin.wordpress.com
magical and soooo needed thanks!
LMFAO “Are you the ocean? Because I want you, right now.”! I would EXPLODE with laughter if someone came on to me with THAT; and that’s usually a good thing!
This is just awesome. And perfect the way it is. I have a number of first names and I tend to give my most interesting/unique name when introducing myself to a woman I think I want to sleep with. It just makes good sense.
-
Also, just as the “Don’t Be Too Drunk” text/photo of this brilliant article was taking up my computer screen, two people who work for me approached my desk for guidance on work (and life, I like to think), and I think they were impressed both with how little work I was doing and also what I happened to be reading while doing very little work. Unfortunately when they asked about my weekend, “getting too drunk” was the only true answer I could give them.
Um, it is the future where I live, 5pm on Friday, not 4 in the morning. Otherwise the people working for me would probably have a more serious complaint about their working conditions than me not really doing any work.
btw you are my new fav commenter. i likez u
haha, cheers.
When I saw KC wrote about picking up chicks I thought KC from Kelka wrote it cause hers was epic too!!!
This one is very funny as well. Good job
I still have that note in my agenda and I read it when I need inspiration… ;D
but seriously, this article is awesome!
Go Katrina! I want more!
Hey Urban Sapphic, I’m a sophisticated older (31) woman, and I LOVED this!
More of the same pls
This was way too cool/awesome. I laughed, I cried, I- ok so I didn’t cry at all but hey, it made my day.
Again with the awesomeness. Katrina, don’t tell anyone else but I enjoy your articles the most. And that’s a lot to say coz I’m in love with the entire Autostraddle team.
In my case, I don’t know what effect the article had on me. Everything was cool, making out with this cute girl and right until the end of the night all I was thinking about was “taking your pants in front of all these ppl is a no-no”. I still got her number, but I wonder if she realized that every once in a while, my thoughts drifted ever so slightly to me, keeping my pants on.
i love autostraddle.
aw hey, shhh i (we?) like you too.
also, let me just say, that if you do it gradually, you can condition everyone around you to get used to you being pantsless all the time. no lie.
THIS SHIT MADE ME SHOOT COFFEE OUT OF MY NOSE! THREE THUMBS UP! First time reader and I hit gold like this… AWESOME! All dead set true, though I have to say that if a girl did use the so jealous line on me… I would so jump her bones. I’m going to go work on a collection of T&S themed pick-up lines now. Thanks for the inspiration
I’d like to add with the touching part to touch early in the interaction. If you touch hours or days later, it could be weird. The earlier you touch her the more normal it will seem to her, like something that is just part of your personality.
I really appreciate how there are tips on how to get a girl and/or their attention.
But I can be awfully shy when it comes to talking to other girls who are bi/gay,and I find it difficult to tell weather a girl is bi/gay. I can be confident, but only when I’m in my comfort zone. If anybody can help me on this problem I would be forever greatful.
Thank you.
this is fantastic
K…so how cool was this…..super!!
The business card thing got me laughing aloud….excellent!!
and the whole Shane thing…genius!! LOVE IT ALL!!
~Jay-Jay~
This article was brilliant. Spiced with Tegan and Sara references and salted with L Word references, this is a fantastically written article because it is so obviously for us, by one of us!!!
Way to go.
And I agree about the So Jealous line. I think that’s pretty hot actually.
This is hilarious, I absolutely loved the Tegan & Sara pick up line.
best.article.ever.
lmao. i love the “don’t think your shane” topic. ive met countless girls {maybe its my age?}
who think they are. im going to print this out and post it places
XD wow this is the best! I found you on google when I was looking up on how to hit on a gir XD I suck at it so I thought Google could help =D but you help way~ more =3 but… im shy so its going to be hard >.< and I get hit on by guys/girls all the time saying im cute and stuff but then I mess it up! stupide shyness *pouts*
Lately I find myself shamelessly hitting on girls only to be rejected. I’m starting to think it isn’t clear enough that I like girls. I’m considering having t-shirts made.
I think every lesbian should print out this guide and keep it on her at all times:
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v408/nemosushi/gaytastic/lesbiandating.png
Dating would be so much easier.
Thanks! I like the little dating guide. Also I clicked on your name and watched your hipster video. It was so funny! My day has been brightened.
It rocks, doesn’t it? Found the video somewhere on the gay interwebs last night and just had to blog it. tehe
can we get a tutorial on gay eye-contact? I have yet to master it.
WOW I sooo needed that!
I NEED TO LEARN HOW TO FLIRT!!? It’s been toooo long! Katie, I’m with you on that one EYE CONTACT….I’m too shy to even do that!!!
Printing this for the weekend, cheers!
I think A BIG NO NO should be never date a chick that you know likes you (but you not so much) cause some other chick rejected you (and some alcohol was involved when the words “yes i’ll date you” came out…) now how do i get out of this??? ugg
oh and on the signature move thingy.. i def have that.. when i meet a new girl who i know is either curious/bi/gay and single i will take her hand and kiss the top of her hand… i know its such a guy move but the ladies LOVE it…
This article is WIN! Funny and true, doesnt get much better than that!
LMAO are you kidding? If someone dropped that T&S line I’m pretty sure I’d drop my pants. That’s the best thing I’ve ever heard.
Gay eye contact is soo legit…I managed to pick up a girl at one of the straightest bars I’ve ever been to because of it. And here I was thinking I was just REALLY fucking lucky.
Also, I think if someone gave me a business card like that, I’d be head over heels pretty instantly. Professional lady kisser. I dig it.