You Need Help (ON VIDEO!): You Want to Want Her But You Don’t

Welcome to You Need Help! Where you seek advice and we try our very best to give it.

This has traditionally been done by way of individual Formspring accounts, Autostraddle’s Tumblr and a Formspring Friday column, which has all been very fun and insightful. But, because Formspring has a character limit and we’re wildly optimistic w/r/t our time-management skills, we thought we’d go one further and let you use our ASS private messaging to share advice-related feelings, too.

For more info on sending in questions, see the bottom of this post.

Rising Star Haviland Stillwell and I filmed some stuff for a vlog and then figured we’d shoot some advice answers too. So this is sort of bare-bones no-frills video editing. Also, our activity partners expressed dissatisfaction with our answers to this question and took a crack at it themselves — ON VIDEO!

Let’s get down to bossing people around on the internet! Today we “help” you with your sex drive issues.


Question: My question is that well, I have a low sex drive. It hasn’t always been this way, but I just want to want to fuck my girlfriend. Sometimes I feel like it and sometimes I don’t.


If that stellar advice doesn’t work, I recommend Laneia’s recent “You Need Help” on a similar topic. The thing is that you say it hasn’t always been this way, so if your sex drive is lower now than before, that’s worth looking at. I also suggest “just doing it’ because this problem can snowball and turn you into a flinching beast (it’s like going to the gym! might be hard to get started, but you’re so glad you did it when you got there), getting into a sex-state of mind by immersing yourself in lesbosexy tumblrs, porn or erotica (it’s like Stockholm Syndrome), or maybe if you’re afraid you might not get wet and then ruin your relationship, maybe suggest doing all the things to HER instead this time.  Also, set aside time to have sex where you won’t be thinking that you should be working/at the gym/cleaning/etc. Maybe go to a hotel or something where it’s distraction-free.

However, if you wanna have sex with other people — just not her — then as Ashley Reed said, you should “want to want to pack your bags.” Seriously otherwise you’re gonna give her an insecurity complex which will haunt all of her future relationships.


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Riese is the 41-year-old Co-Founder of as well as an award-winning writer, video-maker, LGBTQ+ Marketing consultant and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and now lives in Los Angeles. Her work has appeared in nine books, magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. She's Jewish and has a cute dog named Carol. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 3228 articles for us.


  1. lol The last shot of Haviland being totally naked except for a pillow seems strangely familiar… HMM I WONDER WHY!!!


  2. I think it’s ok to have a low sex drive, and it doesn’t have to be attributed to a hormonal imbalance or drugs or wanting to leave your girlfriend. Sometimes, some people go through times when they don’t want sex. They shouldn’t have to force themselves to have sex. Its better to be comfortable with who you are.

    Of course, to make a relationship work, both people have to be okay with the amount of sex that goes on, etc… So yeah, communication is important. But since there’s more to a relationship then just sex, you can find that middle ground.

  3. once upon a time, i thought something was wrong with MY sex drive. turns out, i just wasn’t attracted to my gf anymore. a light just sorta went out, yanno? i have another gf now (years later) and i am attracted to her, like whoa. we are often late for things b/c of it. the moral of the story is that sometimes you have to want to want to pack your bags before you make someone you love (but don’t love to have sex with) really fucking insecure. the sooner the better so you can get on with being lesbian best friends/ex girlfriends. b/c those can be awesome and also only work when the attraction dies.

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