Y’All Need Help #25: Spring Cleaning Part 4

Welcome welcome, to the fourth round of Y’All Need Help Spring Cleaning! Imagine me covered in cobwebs and figuring out how to use the vacuum attachments, listening to The Moody Blues, burning some incense with the windows open. Spring cleaning.

Let us begin.

Q 1: Queer wedding planning resources?

Hey Autostraddle! My nb-partner and I are super excited to have a big ol’ lesbian wedding at some point in coming years and are pretty sure we’ve picked out some rings we want to propose with! It’s a REALLY cool thing to contemplate doing – they’re my best friend and a kickass partner. We’re doing the international long distance thing (I’m the Canadian girlfriend and they’re American) which is part of why we’ve got loads of time to plan for marriage because of logistics and money… but in the meantime we could use some help. We’re mostly looking for any book / website / general recommendations for planning the actual ceremony, but in like…. a customized gay way? Or a forum / community in which to discuss gay weddings in a chill way? We both miss the days of livejournal and are wondering if something like that still exists somewhere that we don’t know about. Thanks in advance for any suggestions and much love for your website and this column!

A 1:

Congratulations! By far the most useful resource that I found when planning my wedding in 2015 was A Practical Wedding, specifically their Getting Started section. They have everything you need for planning and logistics and numbers and protocol (obvs it’s up to you whether you want stick to that protocol, but it’s useful to know) without dragging you down with heteronormativity. My favorite places for inspiration were H&H Weddings (we’ve also worked with the founder, Kate Shaefer, in the past and she’s SO GREAT), Offbeat Bride, and Catalyst Wedding Co. — all of which have Instagram accounts so you can be obsessing over weddings from sunrise to sunset with just a flick of the thumb. After the wedding I immediately found about a million other queer-specific wedding sites/Instagrams, including Dancing With Her and F Yeah Gay Weddings.

Now let’s see what the readers have up their sleeves!

Q 2: Communication and stress

If my girlfriend (of 6 months) were more relaxed I’m almost certain she’d forget to breathe. I, however, have Olympic medals in stress and anxiety. I absolutely adore her but we are both in the midst of a very busy patch with work/university/general life stuff, and we have both noticed a distance growing between us. We are going weeks without seeing each other and while that is not an huge issue, our communication is really breaking down. I don’t need to know every detail of her day, but not knowing when she has plans makes me feel a bit unimportant and sends my anxiety into a tailspin, especially when those plans override plans we have made together. Her relaxed ass, however, does not really see this as a problem. Is there any way I can communicate this with her (and explain why I need her to communicate better) without sounding like super-needy-needer?

A 2:

When I’m feeling needy, I like to get that truth right out on the table immediately, plop it down like 50lb steak in The Flinstones. HERE’S WHAT I NEED. And listen it’s not always pretty, usually I’ve waited until I can’t stand it anymore and it’s very nearly a need-emergency. But if you’re trying to play it slightly cool, I think instead of explaining to her why you need her to communicate more/better, it would be less super-needy to succinctly express that you’d like to carve out some time without distractions when the two of you can just relax into each other again like you used to.

Busy patches like the one you’re going through are part of life, and it’s important that you prioritize your relationship (and your own downtime) somewhere on your list, otherwise you’re both going to burn out and feel like garbage AND you won’t have anyone to talk to about it! Make personal obligations as important and unbreakable as professional obligations. That’s what the life coaches say.

Q 3: The universe is a cold, cold place

Hi. So I’m a shy demisexual with walls higher than Troy. However, I know this awesome girl and managed to ask her out. She was all up for going out and we have been talking most days since. Never actually managed to go out due to work (both of ours) and an accident (hers). A few days ago she let me know that on scans they have found a tumour (unknown prognosis as yet). She won’t put me through what’s coming and has gone for radio silence. I understand this/that the last thing she needs is someone else to worry about/bad time for distractions/needs to be with family etc but man it hurts. I am so angry with the universe – I’m scared stiff for her, helpless, and angry that bad things happen to good people. And almost grieving what could have been if that makes sense. Does that make me bad? I stick a toe outside my walls and the universe drop kicks my heart off a cliff, but she’s going through hell so who am I to be upset?

A 3:

These are normal feelings you’re going through! You are perfectly and bitterly normal. You took a chance with your heart and its feelings, and due to circumstances — terrible, truly fucked up ones — beyond your control, this hasn’t gone the way you’d hoped. Not the way anyone would’ve hoped. It makes sense that you’d be sad and angry and scared and grieving. Those are all very normal reactions to what’s happening. Are they pretty reactions? No, and the realest ones rarely are.

What would make you a self-centered asshole is if you pestered her for answers, or went to her or any of her friends or family with these feelings, expecting comfort or even an understanding nod, but you already know that. Send her a note or something that lets her know you hope nothing but the absolute best for her.

Her health has nothing to do with you at all (except that you care about her) and you’ll get no sympathy from the world at large because of it. I know that’s not what you’re even looking for, but just to be super clear. Don’t try to make her health scare into the reason you never take a chance on someone else again. Let this be a reason to be radically tender and loud about it, to everyone you care about.

Q 4: Relationships and bi identity

Hey, I could use some help. I’m a bi girl in a five-year (and temporarily long-distance) relationship with a straight man whom I met in college overseas. He’s super awesome, I really love him, want to marry him, whole nine yards. Thing is, sometimes I idly wonder what it would be like to date a lady (or just someone else in general, he’s only the second person I’ve dated). Kind of a vague, “oh, I’ve never done that, wonder what that might be like.”

However part of me is also wondering if it’s less that I actually want to leave this guy and more that I want to be seen more as bi in general and not just as filling out the perfect straight dream life that pleases my family. I’m out to my bf and about three close friends (who are all supportive) and that’s about it.

See I’m back in my super religious and conservative home country for a bit (yay immigration issues) and it’s really not safe to be out and queer because it’s seen as having a mental illness/just having something wrong with you in general/being seen as terribly forward and in your face/spitting in the face of God/not wanting to be a functioning member of society/a fair target for violence. All of these statements I’ve heard from my family members and coworkers. Needless to say, I am not out to anyone here.

A lot of this, “I want to date a lady” has only come up in the last year, when I moved back to my home country, almost three thousand miles away from my bf who I’m missing a ton and in a really unpleasant situation that makes me feel invisible and stifled. So…I don’t know. Can you give me some advice with how to deal?

A 4:

It’s normal to idly wonder what X would be like while you’re doing something else, so don’t let that panic you or make you feel like a bad person (not that you are panicked or thinking you’re a bad person now, I just want to make that clear). I think you hit the nail on the head in your second paragraph — your whole self is being stifled while you’re living at home and those parts of you that can’t see the light of day right now are understandably really pissed about it, and wanting to get out. I’m so sorry you’re in a situation that makes it impossible for you to be fully yourself! Is there an underground queer scene in your area, or maybe an adjacent area? Are you active in queer spaces online? I feel like it sound like I’m trivializing the severity of the anti-gay sentiments of your country and I don’t think my actionable advice is especially helpful here.

I’m hoping our readers with similar experiences will have some more solid advice for you!

Q 5: Help ignoring internalised homophobia

So, I recently met a really awesome girl who I have a lot in common with and is definitely queer, single and looking to meet people. Great! But I’m so super scared of asking her out/letting her know I’m interested, and while talking it through with a friend I realised that I’m dealing with some internalised homophobia – I can’t let go of assuming that if anyone finds out I like them their response will be ‘ew that’s gross!’ I’ve been out for years and I’m generally pretty ok with my sexuality, but I’m really struggling to move past this.. any ideas??

A 5:

You just have to do it! You have to do the thing that scares the hell out of you in order to prove to yourself that it won’t kill you! It might hurt or something, but it won’t kill you. Like ripping off a bandaid and then slamming that injured body part against the wall a couple of times and LOOK it didn’t fall off, you are safe.

Try to imagine the worst case scenario — and I don’t mean let your imagination go wild and imagine literally the worst case scenario, involving armageddon or your eyelids being held open by little pins. I’m talking about just your regular, boring, run of the mill worst case scenario: you, looking very cute in that one outfit you love the most and having an impossibly good hair day, express your interest in this really awesome girl, right to her face. She, looking devastatingly gorgeous in that one shirt that changed the way you thought about shirts and having an impossibly good hair day of her own, sitting in the perfect shaft of sunlight or is it the soft glow of an exquisite lamp?, very gently (because she is truly as awesome as you claim she is and therefore isn’t mean or rude) turns you down.

Are you with me? Imagining? Ok great.

What happens next? Maybe an awkward half-sentence comes out of your mouth, maybe she changes the subject immediately. But there are no hellfires, no bloody screaming demons raining down from the sky, your face has not melted off, no one passed gas, the earth did not swallow you, you still have to do your laundry later, seasonal fruits and vegetables are still at your local grocery store, birds still chirp. YOU LIVED.

So that’s all you have to do! Just do the thing you want to do but are scared of doing. It’s as simple as lifting a large boulder that’s actually not nearly as heavy as you thought it was and then throwing it over a cliff. Poof!

Q 6: Discussing scars

So, I’ve had various mental health issues throughout my life, but I’ve been working through them and finally managed to access some therapy (I’m in the UK, so therapy is free but waiting times are looong). I’m now in a position where for the first time I can actually picture myself in a healthy relationship and it’s something I really want. However, I have quite a few self harm scars, which are fairly noticeable. I really don’t know how I would discuss them with a potential romantic partner without scaring them off. I’m fine at talking about mental health in general, but talking directly about my own issues is really hard and previous self harm even more so. I can’t hide it so I’d want to be honest in a relationship but I have no idea how I would even start that conversation! How can I bring it up without making it a super big deal that’s really scary??

A 6:

So happy for your therapy and progress!! Aaaaaaaah I’m yelling for you right now I’m so THRILLED! Ok so these scars are both a very big deal and not a big deal at all, depending on how we’re looking at them. Big-deal-speaking, these fucking things represent a fucking time, one that you lived right through and fought your way out of. That fucking time was no joke, and one way or another, even if you didn’t have any physical scars to show to anyone, you’ll be carrying that time around inside you for the rest of your wild beautiful life. There’s a bookshelf of you on your insides, and that fucking time is on one of those shelves, next to the first rollercoaster you went on, the time the teacher embarrassed the hell out of you in music class, the time you fell and broke your thumb, the first time you saw the ocean, the night you really quietly cried yourself to sleep at summer camp and then the next morning when Natalie let you eat some of the cheeseballs her mom had packed and then she showed you how to shave your legs, the best quote you’ve ever read, the first framed art you hung on your wall, the first time you had to dress yourself to go to a funeral, the time you couldn’t remember how to ride a bike after all and E laughed at you because it really was hilarious and so dumb. All those things and a trillion other things, and that fucking time when the scars were created is right there with them! That’s a lot!

But also, those scars don’t mean shit. They had their time and now that’s over. You’re bigger than they are, and you do more important things and matter more to people than they do. YOU you you. The scars take up just that little bit of room on your bookshelf and there are so many more interesting things surrounding them. They’re there, yes, but tell me more about when you broke your thumb, and I wonder what Natalie is up to these days.

I have scars and I don’t even remember how I brought them up to Megan. I think I was just like “Oh, yeah. I have those.” and she must’ve been like, “Hm, ok.” and that was probably that. We’ve talked about them since then and I’ve always been in charge of how much of an explanation I gave and the tone of the conversation, and she’s never pushed me for more or made me feel like a broken beast. I was with another girl once who also had scars — we weren’t close and had no intention of dating seriously at all — and as she was taking off her shirt she said, casual as a motherfucker, “I have some scars right here because I used to [etc], and you really can’t miss them so I’m just telling you?” and I said, “Ok” and then we kept making out.

A potential romantic partner who’s worth your time will understand all of this and anyone with even a general acquaintance with the idea of politeness will take their cues from you. Bring it up when the time feels right to you, and don’t apologize for them — they’re you. Don’t apologize for you.

Q 7: Needing more.

I’ve been really into this girl for months and finally told her so a month or so ago! It was really scary but we ended up hooking up and spending more time together and that has been really nice. The problem is that she is the world’s WORST texter (as in, short responses with lots of punctuation 6 hours after I text her) and I have been doing all of the work in this bizarre semi-relationship. I always have to text her first if I want to see her at all and she doesn’t pick up on any of my attempts to flirt. I know that I need to have a conversation with her where I ask her how she feels and tell her that I really need more communication from her and more security about her liking me, but I literally haven’t been able to get her alone for weeks and now I’m feeling like I’ll seem overly eager if I keep texting her. How do I get her to have this conversation with me without sounding like a crazy person and scaring her off? What do I do with a person who doesn’t know how to communicate feelings the way I need her to?

A 7:

Hmmmmm I believe this is just who she is. Where you’re a person who texts and wants to be texted, she appears to be a person who does not wish to text. Does she speak full sentences to you and seem to care about you when you’re in the same room together? Which is to say, do you really need to have a conversation with her about how she feels about you, or do you already know? I feel like this sounds harsh but I’ve been mulling over your question for some time now and this is what I think is true! Talking about texting sounds like the worst conversation I could ever imagine. She doesn’t want to respond to your texts immediately, and so she isn’t — whether this is because she’s not into texting or she’s not into you or doesn’t have time or whatever, this is what she’s giving you right now.

If you’re texting her little things throughout the day that don’t require an immediate/semi-immediate reply — like you’re not setting up a date or asking her to come over and lift this piano off of your chest — and she’s taking hours to reply to them for whatever reason, do you really want to keep sending them? Are you having fun? If so, keep doing it and having fun! I fucking love texting my wife while she’s at work and can’t respond. I actually prefer it to texting her when she can respond. I send like 300 one-line texts over the course of a few hours and I know she won’t reply to any of them — not even later, when she could reply, because she won’t remember anything I’ve said — but I send them because I’m bored or I think it’ll semi-annoy her (in a cute way, you know) or because I think what I’m saying is brilliant and hilarious and she took a vow in front of like 40 people promising to love me forever so she’s the person who has to get these texts! It’s a BLAST for me! But if I was hoping she’d respond to every little thing I’d sent and then she did not respond, I would not be having fun, and I would not do it anymore. I’d wait and say those things to her cute face instead, so she’d be forced to respond because that is what a conversation is.

So why are you texting her? If you have something to say and she’s not a texter, just say it to her face. If she can’t seem to find a time to put her face in front of yours for the purpose of exchanging words and ideas (either because she truly can’t because she’s busy or she can’t because she doesn’t want to), she’s not prioritizing this relationship. In which case I don’t think you need to have the talk about feelings because it’s the not talking that has told you everything you need to know.

BUT MAYBE I’M JUST BEING A CYNICAL OGRE so let’s ask the readers what they think!

Q 8: Coming out to a husband

Hi there, I am a woman in my mid-30s who’s been married to the best man in the world for 10 years. I realized around 7 weeks ago that I’m gay instead of bisexual (as I always thought I was). I accidentally got really drunk and told him. Then I immediately took it back and said I’m still bi, but we’ve both been in a really dark place ever since. I lost around 10 pounds from being too anxious to eat, and got super depressed. My therapist wants me to keep dropping hints to him of my attraction towards women, or to keep communicating in some way, but I’m so scared. I had a panic attack about two weeks after the revelation and ended up in the ER, and when I asked him to come be with me he said he was too busy at work. I had this vision of him leaving me and got terrified. Since then we haven’t communicated, just pretended like everything’s fine. How do I open the gates of communication when things are so fragile? For what it’s worth, he’s from the opposite side of the planet and all his friends and family live there. I’m his only support network here, and I’m also scared that if we broke up he would move back there and I’d lose the opportunity to keep him in my life. Also, my doctor told me I have to get pregnant by the end of 2018 or freeze my eggs, and having a child is something we’ve always wanted to do. The clock is ticking on my making a decision, or at least owning up to my uncertainty and what it will cost us.
Thanks for any advice you can give, I’m super alone.

A 8:

I’m yelling on the inside for you because this is too fucking much for one person to carry alone and I’m really mad that you’ve had to do it! Damn it! Right now the person who needs the most from you is YOU — not the husband who doesn’t have a support system and won’t come to the ER with you and is pretending not to know that you’re gay, and not the baby you may or may not have. You have to show up for yourself and you absolutely deserve to be happy and fully who you are, and this situation is actively preventing all of those things. You have to have a very real conversation with your husband. I don’t think dropping hints is the way to go, but your therapist probably knows more about you and your situation than I do, so possibly that’s the right approach for you! Either way this isn’t a sustainable situation and it has to be changed, for everyone’s sake.

Go ahead and make plans to freeze those eggs, because now is not the time to get pregnant. Freezing them, if that’s a financial option for you, will eliminate at least one giant looming thing and free you up psychically, so you can devote yourself to figuring out the here and now.

All the great wonderful best husbands in the world who are married to gay women also deserve to be happy! And being a straight man married to a lesbian isn’t fun, you know? It’s not great. So while this — having the difficult conversations, possibly divorcing? — will probably feel like the most selfish thing you’ve ever done, never forget that you’re also doing it for him.

I’m so sorry this isn’t easier, but you’re not alone! Go back to the comments of previous Y’All Need Helps and see just how many women have been in your shoes. There are, um, a lot of us. YOU CAN DO THIS you can have the hard talks and make the hard decisions!!

Q 9: Please help me to not ruin this lesbian wedding

Next month one of my best friends is getting married. It will be a lesbian wedding, and a large portion of the guests will be ex-girlfriends/people I hooked up with when I slept through my friends group in my early 20s. I am stressed as hell and have been for months now. It will be a small wedding, and there were no plus ones on the invites so I’ll be going solo. I am nervous about seeing so many of these people, but I am v. v. v. nervous about seeing The Ex Girlfriend (who I was in love with for many years and it had a horrible ending and we haven’t seen each other in a very long time). My question is, how do I navigate this situation? How do I make sure I am prioritizing celebrating my friend’s marriage, instead of just thinking about myself and my own history? Do I full on ignore my ex, or do I go make nice to her and be polite? How do I avoid spending the night crying in the bathroom/getting too drunk from the anxiety/throwing myself at another ex/taking too many Xanax/making a total fool of myself/causing general drama/JUST RUINING THE ENTIRE WEDDING?!?!?

A 9:

D O  N O T  G E T  D R U N K !

I love you, look at me in the eyes THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU, Lorna. I’m calling you Lorna. This is your best friend’s YOUR BEST FRIEND’s wedding! It’s not your ANYTHING do you hear me? The only feelings you’re allowed to feel on that day are the ones of pride and love and hope for your friend. THAT’S IT, LORNA. That is IT.

Be nervous, be sick to your whole entire stomach if you must, but squash it all the way down into a fine powder and blow it the fuck away like the compartmentalizing, grin-and-bear-it motherfucker I know you can be. Lorna, look at me. Look at me. Is this about you at all? This wedding? Is it about you?

NO IT IS NOT.

Here’s what you’re going to do Lorn, you’re gonna get a gorgeous outfit and a haircut, maybe a color, too, I don’t know your life. You’re gonna make sure your skin is opulent and glowing, that you are well-rested, fresh-breathed, bright-eyed, HYDRATED. Look down at your shoes, they are perfect. Smile in the mirror. What a killer fucking smile, Lorna. Excellent. You are doing great. Who are you here for, Lorna? Who matters today? Your best friend, correct.

You absolutely do not ignore the ex. You smile with a face that says, “Denise, it’s not about us today!!!!! NOT TODAY!!” and “Aren’t you so, so fucking happy for my best friend? I am.” You are not here to make friends and you’re not here to make enemies, Lorna. You’re not even here to fuck. WHAT ARE YOU HERE FOR, BABE.

YOUR FRIEND THAT’S RIGHT.

You are a self-assured, hydrated, sober/mostly sober woman in the prime of her life. You’ve moved beyond any petty behavior, including gossiping, glaring, laughing sarcastically, giving anyone the silent treatment, getting drunk in public, crying in a bathroom that doesn’t belong to you, taking too many Xanax, falling down, throwing oneself at one’s ex, or participating in anything that anyone could ever describe as “drama.”

Now you get your ass to that wedding and you be an example for all lesbiankind. MAKE ME PROUD.

Q 10: Broke and done with this place, but…

I’m currently very unhappy with where I live, and I’m doing everything I can to move to a new city, pretty far away. It’s a slow process because I’m also at a financial low in my life right now; I’ve had to move back in with my parents. I can’t afford to simply get up and change locations right now.

I’ve also been feeling pretty emotionally low because of all of these factors, and a few friends have suggested I should start dating again. I haven’t dated in a while because I’m broke and I don’t want to be here anymore. Dating seems like a great way to stay broke, and get attached to someone in a way that keeps me from leaving (although granted – kissing a woman would probably improve my mood tremendously).

Should I stay single? Also if anyone has any suggestions on changing locations while broke, I’d love to hear them.

A 10:

Stay single but hang out with people! Make more friends and do more cheap/free things and keep saving that money!! You’re doing GREAT. You have a plan, you have friends, your parents have opened their home to you, I bet your hair is cute. You are on the path! Get out of your house, do free things, have inexpensive fun experiences, take pictures, make a new playlist for every month, have a good day. Never forget that you have a PLAN, and keep your eye on that prize.

Readers, if you have tips for moving on the cheap, let this person know!

Q 11: Queer homemaking and other messy things

My wife and I are both in our mid-thirties, and we’ve been together almost fifteen years. One of the things I love best about our relationship is that classic queer thing of having to decide for ourselves how our home works, how we divvy up responsibilities, what a marriage means to us. For a good while, we had this balance that felt…well, like how modern women are supposed to be (trap number one!). We both worked full time, we split up chores and domestic stuff based on who liked/least hated what, and we felt bad for our straight cis women friends who struggled hard with getting their boyfriends/husbands to chip in with anything outside of work. We had it Figured Out.

Oh but wait, a twist: WE DIDN’T. We didn’t because while we were happy with each other, we were both miserable in our daily lives outside of that. I started my own business a few years ago, and I love it, and I’m good at it, and it’s doing very well. But it’s also a lot of stress and juggling, and I’m overwhelmed at finding the time/energy/brainspace to take care of the home, too. My wife, on the other hand, has never had a job she’s liked, and she comes home from her current one anxious and depressed every single day. What she does love is domestic projects and making stuff. She loves to experiment in the kitchen and provide her own food and sew and build and weave and hammer and putter around the house. All the things on the to-do list that make me despair at the end of a day. After endless long talks about it, we know what we want: I want to keep at it with my business, which has gotten to a point where it actually might be enough to take care of both of us. She, on the other hand, wants to quit her job and homestead. In other words, I provide the money, she provides the home.

Here are the hangups. I know these are all internalized bullshit and societal pressure bullshit and things I should ignore. I know that. I just need some wise learned queers to help me unpack it.

1. HOO BOY DO I FEEL WEIRD ABOUT POTENTIALLY LEAVING THE BULK OF THE HOUSEWORK TO MY WIFE WHILE I GO OFF TO MY SELF-IMPORTANT JOB. I know, I know this is different than straight couples wherein the dude expects that to be the dynamic. But my feminist heart feels like I’m being selfish or lazy here, or that we’ve reverse engineered the patriarchy or something. Yes, we’re both women and we came to this on our own, but I cannot get past this. There’s the added layer of icing that she presents super femme, and I’m somewhere in the tomboy realm of the spectrum. I feel like all of our cool self-definition journeying has somehow led us to traditional-looking gender roles, and I’m feeling fucked up about both what that means for our relationship, and what it means for my own sense of what it means to be a woman if I am also the literally-pants-wearing breadwinner who doesn’t do her own damn cooking.

2. My wife has no idea how to explain this to her family. I don’t need to explain the baggage that comes along with the word “housewife.” She’s afraid of looking lazy and worthless. (Why do we both feel like not doing ALL THE THINGS makes us lazy? This is rhetorical, I know the answer, it’s garbage.)

3. We’re not alone, right? We know there must be other couples like us out there, but if you google “lesbian housewife,” you wind up with nothing but porn for straight cis dudes (this was a depressing discovery).

I know this is all capitalism and the patriarchy’s fault as per usual but I could use some help untangling this.

A 11:

You have to divorce yourself from the idea that there’s only one right way to create a life with someone you love. You make the rules together and you can change those rules together. It sounds like you’re both extremely self-aware people who have figured out what you want in life AND how to make it happen. Be proud of yourself and decide, today and every day, not to give a single shining fuck what anyone else thinks about anything you’re doing!

If your wife’s family thinks she’s lazy and worthless, they don’t know her and they’ve never run a household. I was a housewife for a decade or more and it was EXHAUSTING but SO MUCH FUN. It was an honor and privilege to have so much control over how I used my time. I learned more about myself and humanity than I could’ve imagined.

And no, you’re not alone! I suggest substituting “queer” for “lesbian” when you’re doing a search like that, specifically to avoid the porn shit. Here are two sites I found with a quick search and I’m sure there are more:

Postnuclear Era
The Queer Housewife

Q 12: Mother’s Day help

How do I dodge direct questions about Mother’s Day? My biological mother is a manipulative, cruel sexual abuser, but I don’t feel comfortable sharing this with coworkers. On the other hand, I can’t stand the patronizing orders to “call her.” I don’t really have anyone else in my life who I would consider a “mother” such as grandmothers or older friends. Should I suck it up and lie? This also makes me feel gross, like she doesn’t even deserve to be lied about, but maybe that’s my best option? I wish I had a clever way to turn this back on the asker without being obvious. Thanks.

A 12:

What if you just matter-of-factly stated that your family doesn’t participate in Mother’s Day? People who ask pointed questions about a personal holiday and then give unsolicited advice are the worst kind of people. Just shut them down as quickly as possible and turn it back to them and their dumb lives. “Oh my family doesn’t observe Mother’s Day. What do you have planned?”

Q 13: Complicated religious question

I first noticed a same-sex attraction to women when I was 18 and kept quiet about it. I tried to make myself interested in guys so much that I’d try online dating or talk to other guys on forums but all we did was talk. I never met them in person or dated them. I just couldn’t go through with it. Around 6 years ago I was trying really hard to be straight, so much in fact that I found an online religious forum and in the prayer section I asked for the members to pray away my same-sex attraction. 3 years of unhappily trying to please everyone I stopped and admitted I was a lesbian. For the past 3 years I have had the worst luck finding a woman to begin a relationship with or even just go on a date. I feel like those members of a Catholic community, mind you, prayed so much that I’ll never be in a relationship. I’ve made myself visible in the LGBT community – online and off -and it feels like I’m cursed and God, the Universe or whoever is up there intervenes and says – Nope, not for you. Some days I just feel like giving up. Why does religion and sexuality have to complicate everything?

A 13:

I am so sorry, this is a terrible way to feel and to think of yourself! I’m confident you’re not cursed, though, and I believe you have just as much of a right and a chance to be happy as anyone else does. Asking for people to pray your gay away wasn’t a fucked up thing that has ruined your chances at happiness. You were doing what you thought was best, and no one — not even you! — can fault you for that. Forgive and love up on the past version of you who tried so hard to do the right thing. I’m sure that was an exhausting and miserable time, and it took a lot of inner work to pull yourself through it.

Dating is hard and stupid and weird. It’s not just you — it’s like that for almost everyone. I mean just take a scan through any advice post on this website and you’ll see that dating and putting yourself out there is something pretty much all of us have slogged through, and there’s no magic answer to make it any easier, other than just doing it. Just keep showing up and being the best version of yourself. Keep being dedicated to your own truth, and to having fun, and to seeing the bizarre beauty of this whole thing.

Q 14: Confused bi/pan/queer

Hi! I am a 24 year old bi/pan/queer woman and I am feeling VERY confused. Specifically, I am confused about how I want to present myself, who I want to make out with/date, and just generally how to be a fully expressed/realised version of my queer self.

Firstly, I am confused about how I dress and hair/makeup etc which sounds vain but I am very femme presenting so I get read as straight which pisses me off. I want to look more futch/tomboy I guess but I look like an awkward teenager if I dress this way! Like lipstick and eyeliner and a dress makes me look my age and put together. If I wear a shirt and jeans it just looks ill fitting and awkward.. any advice?

Secondly, I want to date a lot of people and it is very confusing and overwhelming. I want to meet lots of people and see what happens but my family keep pestering me to find ‘the one’ but I don’t want to find just one person I want to be with lots of people! I think because I haven’t dated anyone in a while I now want to date a lot of people in a casual way… but I have never really done that before…

Which I guess brings me to my last point that I feel kind of like a caterpillar in a little cocoon about to burst forth into all this queerness which is wonderful and exciting but also terrifying. I am not out to my family because they are homophobic but I am tired of hiding and being small. I want to live my life as my complete queer self but it’s scary. I guess I am just writing this for a bit of encouragement to start being myself. Thank you x

A 14:

Ok first of all, you don’t sound vain at all and your family has no say in how you date or when you ‘settle down’ or whatever. If you’re in a safe place and aren’t financially or physically dependent on your family, go ahead and come out to them! It’s absolutely something you can do and that kind of honesty is something you deserve to express. It’s not bad if you don’t come out, but I think a lot of people feel like their own coming out can wait, or that it’s not necessary or that it’s selfish, when actually coming out can feel like taking the first step to being who you really are, and everyone deserves that.

Keep trying different styles of clothes and hair. Hair grows back, so cut it, color it. Clothes can be replaced with other clothes. Try looking for styles and clothes at places you don’t usually buy from. Find a celebrity or even just another regular person whose style you admire and pick it apart. Find versions of what they wear and try them out. Makeup can be worn differently, so look around for other ways to express yourself. Keep trying! There are so many options between eyeliner and a dress and jeans and a t-shirt! And go, get out there and meet people and date them or don’t! Go go go and have fun and be kind and make mistakes and keep trying!

Q 15: Is this as good as it gets?

So basically, I’m unhappy, every day, but I feel like it’s not valid/not a real problem because I am drastically less unhappy than I used to be. I’ve had some serious mental health struggles over the years, and invested many years in an effective outpatient program, as well as finding a medication combination that works well for me. I’m better. I’m a lot better. I’m a lot more functional and a lot less destructive and overall things have really improved for me. But like…..I’m still so unhappy and unfulfilled and just fucking discontent with myself and my life. And I am struggling with whether or not I need to just stop whining and accept that for me this is perhaps just as good as it gets? Like we all have a finite amount of happiness, or a happiness plateau, and this is just mine? Like I’ve improved things a lot but perhaps this is realistically as good as things will ever get for me? And I don’t know what to do with that. Some days I feel like I should just be grateful that I’m much less miserable and dysfunctional than I used to be, instead of complaining that my life isn’t sunshine and rainbows. But other days I feel like if this is as good as it’s possible for me to feel, I’m not sure I can live with that.

A 15:

I don’t know if it’s possible for you to be happier with sunshine and rainbows and all that jazz, but I do feel like you owe it to yourself to keep trying to find out! For me, my depression is like an enormous ocean that I’m always floating on. So some days are sunny and there are cool fish down there in the calm waters and things are cute and great, and other days it’s storming and dark and I can’t sleep or hear anyone over the roaring and crashing waves. I try so hard, constantly, to remember all the days on this ocean, and accept that all of them can’t be sunny and know deep deep down that all of them won’t be dark. Maybe there are small bursts of happiness for you and you’re not putting as much stock into them because they don’t sustain themselves and don’t last longer? Even the happiest motherfuckers aren’t happy all the time though. Maybe the difference is that ‘happy people’ are just the ones who recognize all the times they’re happy and keep them together in a lantern to use when it gets dark?

I really don’t know. I wish I had a neat answer for you. I’m not sure if it’s possible for everyone to ‘find happiness’ in the way that we’re taught to define happiness. Maybe it’s a matter of redefining happiness. I think just keep trying to find out if you can be even a little happier. Try small things, like really fucking small things: a new plant, changing the curtains in your bedroom, playing different types of music. See how those things feel and then keep trying small things? As always, I think a therapist could help! If you’re already seeing one, maybe try another one, or a different type of therapy altogether.

I know you deserve to feel happy. I do know that.

Q 16: In love with my friend and can’t get over it.

I fell hard for my friend when I met her online, a year and a half ago. It was a love forged out of shared interests and misery; we met through a love of the same fandoms, and we’d both been single for a long time and suspected that we were both too difficult in our own ways to find relationships again. She understood me in a way that I rarely feel understood. I could talk to her about anything. I fell pretty fast.

We live far apart, but I invited her to join me at a queer event I was attending, and decided to ask her on a date while we were there. When we got there, she wasn’t interested. Not in the same way I was. We talked about it, and realized that we’re not very compatible romantically. So part of what I can’t quite parse about all of this is it’s not about not getting what I want. If we tried to be together, we wouldn’t make it past sex or even making out for the first time without annoying each other very quickly.

But of course hearts are stupid and don’t listen to logic.

I might have walked away from that and cried for a few days then returned just as really good long distance friends. If anything she proved how awesome a pal she is by not ghosting on me when I told her I was into her. I felt like she was that much more trustworthy as a friend by navigating that awkwardness, and talking to me honestly about her feelings instead of freaking out. Things might have been fine, except at that event we met people who host another event, which is in her city. I told her she should go – I would go, if I could have. It was exactly the sort of thing we both love.
So she went. And she met a girl there. And they started dating.

I know partly, I lost my partner in misery. We were both convinced there was something essentially unlovable about us, and she found someone she loves who loves her back. She broke free from that while I’m still there – and feeling like it’s that much more true in my case, because look what happened when I tried. Partly, I feel like I’m getting kicked around by bad luck. I’ve been in a bad place financially for a while now, and she’s been very generous to me with emotional support and gifts. I suspect her generosity comes from gratitude that she has a girlfriend because I got her to get out of her house and do things. But that feels weird, like I’m a supporting character in someone else’s story. Especially since it’s a story I wanted a leading role in.

I met her girlfriend a few months ago, and was shocked to find myself being catty towards her. This isn’t a way I’ve ever acted before, not even with exes and their new partners. And now, they just got engaged. I’m already dreading being invited to the wedding. I feel miserable, and I also feel like a jerk for not being happy for my friend. I know she’s going to want to talk about her hopes and fears about all of this, and all I can think about is how falling in love with a girl and then inadvertently causing her to meet her future wife feels like a trick has been played on me. It’s nobody’s fault. Nobody set out to hurt me. But I am very hurt and I don’t know how to get past it and stop being jealous of her relationship.

A 16:

Your subject line is that you can’t get over your friend but the thing to remember is that you have to. You have to get over her and move on. I can’t tell you how to do that with any specificity, but I can say that no, you’re not being a good friend if you can’t be happy for her, and if you can’t stop yourself from being catty toward her fiancee. That’s absolutely not to say that you’re not being a good person or that I don’t understand exactly where you’re coming from — I do! I have lived through a similar thing, it was a pile of shit. I understand and I sympathize with you, but you have to get your shit together here!

Instead of continuing to believe that you’re unlovable (which is not even close to true!), choose to see her situation as proof that you aren’t unlovable, let it give you hope. It’s trying to give you hope and you’re being a real bitch to it by not letting it give you that hope. Let it give you hope!

You were not the right person for her, and thus — and this is important! — she was not the right person for you. A person can’t be the right person for you if you’re not the right person for them. It doesn’t work that way. She was not and is not the right person for you. Period.

You have a leading role in your own story, right now. Caving to the feeling that you’re a supporting character in someone else’s story doesn’t give your story justice, and that’s shitty of you. Your story is very interesting and full of potential and excitement and everything, and you have to see that! You just do! You have to see it. Stop not seeing it! SEE IT. And stop suspecting that her generosity isn’t just that: generosity. Stop suspecting that she’s trying to assuage her guilt or show her undying appreciation for your encouragement. Let it just be generosity, and be grateful for it.

So in short, you have to get over her and you have to make yourself do it. Everyone has had to get over someone, so know in your heart that you aren’t alone in this experience. It’s easier to get over people when you cut ties with them, even if it’s just for a little while, so you can reset your life and begin to see them differently. That takes time but it’s 100% possible and necessary! And you have to love yourself and your story more. If you don’t love your story, change things about it but never forget that it’s YOUR STORY, the one you’re starring in.

I BELIEVE IN YOU.

Q 17: Repression?

I realized I was a lesbian almost a year ago, and spent several months after that coming to terms with things. I’m definitely in an okayer place than I was last summer, but I haven’t really liked anyone since then, and I can’t tell if that’s normal for me or because of repression. I’m not even fully sure what a crush would feel like because the things I was later able to identify as crushes on girls mostly involved me building a wall between me and my feelings and the “crushes” I had on boys I could feel so much more strongly because they were me renaming the very strong anxiety I felt about a guy getting near me. The times I know I had feelings for a girl are few and far between, but I don’t know if that’s because I don’t develop feelings easily or because I was so deeply in the closet any feelings had to be super strong to escape being shoved into my subconscious forever. This is very much in contrast to one of my straight friends, who once told me she had crushes on ten (10!) boys at once (which probably isn’t normal, but I don’t have much of a benchmark for these things here). If anything, I can’t help but wonder if realizing I was a lesbian made it harder for me to like girls because now any plausible deniability about my feelings is gone. I guess what I’m asking is: Am I being over dramatic and worrying about nothing or am I really still repressing my feelings the way I did a year ago? And if so, is there any way to stop repressing everything, because spending the rest of my life unable to love fully sounds not fun?

A 17:

It is totally normal to not have a crush or be into anyone, even for a year, especially in the first year after you’ve come out. You won’t spend the rest of your life unable to love fully because eventually someone will come along who’ll blow your doors clean off, and you’ll have no choice but to love her. And maybe, like the person up above you here in this post, she won’t love you back and you’ll WISH you could go back to having no feelings at all, but you can’t! So you’ll have to power through all that hurt and bullshit just like #16 there, and you will. And maybe months will go by and you’ll have no feelings for anyone but then, somehow and because the universe is wild and crazy, someone else will come along and you’ll be like UGH DAMN IT, HERE WE GO AGAIN.

Life is a fun ride, and you’re doing great! Also I think it’s normal to have crushes on up to 10 people at once because crushes are just excited feelings you get about a person without the full commitment of actually doing anything with or for that person, which is very nice and safe.

Q 18: Confused baby dyke.

About a year ago I came out as bi and quickly ended up in a relationship with one of my best friends. We have been dating for just over a year and they were my first kiss. When we first started dating they were presenting as female but have since come out as trans FTM. This was fine with me and probably not relevant to the story but I think its important that he is queer. Anyway. The relationship is nuts. He is my best friend and I care about him on a very deep level. But he is also one of those people who said he ‘loved’ me after one week of dating. He also keeps planning things insanely far in the future. Its hard to tell him when he does something that makes me uncomfortable because he blames himself and goes off the deep end. To be honest I have wanted to break up with him for a while but he is a half suicidal mess and currently in the middle of coming out to his family. I am worried if I break up with him he will do something stupid and there aren’t many resources I can reach out too. I am tired of feeling like his therapist and dealing with wild mood swings. Over the past year I developed depression and an eating disorder. Its not fair to say he caused it, but he has put me in a lot of stressful situations. What can I do? Im also afraid of losing my best and only friend.

A 18:

You should break up with him. Here is our entire catalog of breakup stories and advice. His mental health crisis is creating a toxic relationship riddled with manipulation that, even if it’s unintentional, is playing a role in the ruin of your own mental and physical health, and it can’t go on.

Break up with him. His mental health is his responsibility just like yours is yours and mine is mine. We can and should rely on other people who love us and look to them for help when we need it, but it’s ultimately up to each of us to take action for ourselves in an effort to survive and thrive and be healthy. No one can make us healthy or even help us get a little healthier without us putting in our own work. He’s responsible for that work and he’s responsible for his own decisions.

There are online resources if you don’t have local ones available. Put together a list for him and offer to help him find someone who is trained to help people. You can’t be that person for him. Hopefully, after some work on his part and after you’ve had some time and space to work through your own health, you can be friends later. But right now this isn’t a friendship so much as it’s an unhealthy codependence.

Q 19:

I’m a lesbian in college. Freshman year I had a childhood friend that I hadn’t seen in years as my suitemate, and we rekindled our friendship. She told me she was a lesbian too (and asexual: that is important later). Now we are sophomores, and we are still rooming together… and I have a massive crush on her, even more than I did freshman year.

This wouldn’t be a problem, as I am fairly skilled at dealing with having unrequited feelings and I got over it freshman year, but recently (past two or three months) she has started saying and doing things that indicate my feelings may be requited, which confuses/upsets me, because I had gotten used to the idea that nothing romantic was going to happen between us. She told me freshman year that she’s fairly neutral on being in a relationship, and since she’s asexual she’s fairly neutral (or negative) on physical affection in general. Yet she holds my hand and takes my arm and hugs me all the time (I do mean ALL the time), and it’s becoming difficult for me to separate my desire for physical affection in general (from anyone, regardless of context) from my desire for romantic physical affection when I am with her.

I am not sure whether I should withdraw from the physical affection she offers me (which would depress me; I need physical affection lest I perish) or confess my desire to change the nature of our relationship from friendship to platonic romance (I’ve not much interest in sex either) OR just deal with the fact that I’m only going to get non-romantic affection from a person I’d very much like to be romantic with. Advice on which option to choose or tips for each?

A 19:

I think you could confess to wanting something more romantic while reiterating that you don’t have much of an interest in sex either, etc, and go from there. If she doesn’t want to move your friendship to a more platonic romance situation, you have two options: frankly telling her how the touching makes you feel and then setting up boundaries round that, or letting the touching continue while you work very hard internally to divorce that from anything else in your imagination. You just have to decide how important the physical affection is to you! Seems like it’s pretty important, so maybe get some practices in place for yourself to help deal with your other feelings!

AREN’T FEELINGS GRAND. I bet you wish you could get a little bit of what #17 is having right now, hm?

Let’s all have some nachos, for this has been a very long post with lots of stuff and things. GOOD WORK OUT THERE, EVERYONE.

Y’All Need Help is a biweekly advice column in which I pluck out a couple of questions from the You Need Help inbox and answer them right here, round-up style, quick and dirty! (Except sometimes it’s not quick, but that’s my prerogative, OK?) You can chime in with your own advice in the comments and submit your own quick and dirty questions any time.