If you’re the kind of dyke who works from home, there comes a time in every new relationship where you will sleepover at your girlfriend’s house, wake up in the morning, and simply choose not to drive to your own house before starting your work day. Your laptop is already with you so you have everything you need to get to work, her cute dog is begging you to cuddle him for five more minutes, and she promises that when she gets home you can shower together and order sushi for dinner. You’re absolutely not going anywhere. Nope, you will sit yourself down at her kitchen table, crack open your laptop, try to work while daydreaming about her cute face and her cute ass, and then eventually, it will be lunch time. She’s told you to help yourself to anything in the kitchen. Goddess speed.
Incase it wasn’t obvious from that dramatic introduction: it’s me, I’m the dyke who works from home and has embarked on a new relationship and thus has access to a brand new kitchen and infinite exciting and bizarre lunch options. This is like the opposite of the Sad Desk Lunch, something I experienced frequently when I went into an office and worked at a desk. My new life consists of working in pajamas with a cute chihuahua at my feet and some of the strangest lunch combos I’ve ever consumed. Join me on this journey!
1. Leftover sushi from the night before and three pieces of store-bought cookie dough
Is it chill to eat leftover cheap sushi 18 hours after you order it? Is it okay to eat store-bought cookie dough that you opened 10 days ago? I have no idea, I’m not a food scientist! I’m just a girl, standing in front of an open fridge, trying to manage her moderate medical anxiety amidst an ongoing global pandemic, craving raw fish and raw cookies. For what it’s worth this lunch did not make me sick, and I would eat it again!
2. Homemade cookie dough I brought over and never ended up baking because I ate it all raw
You’d think that since I made this cookie dough from scratch I might have purposefully left the eggs out to avoid any salmonella concerns, but you’d be wrong! In my defense, I genuinely thought I’d be making this cookie dough into cookies. It made a very delicious lunch instead.
3. A burger and fries from the drive-thru place less than one (1) minute away from her house
Is this cheating because it didn’t technically come out of my girlfriend’s kitchen? Maybe. But is it very hot that she lives literally less than 60 seconds away from my favorite burger place in Portland? Definitely! And I did technically eat this meal in her kitchen, much to her tiny dog’s dismay, as I did not share a single bite with him.
4. Two (2) Diet Cokes, a handful of black and white sesame pretzel crackers, a handful of jalapeño chips, and half a mashed up avocado
This is the lunch that inspired this list! It’s not that it’s so strange — my girlfriend said it sounded delicious when I texted her about it — it’s more that it’s just so… not lunch. Like, why have I gotten up three separate times to retrieve the pretzels, the chips, and the avocado, and yet I still do not feel like I have a “meal” and I’m definitely not full and I’m contemplating going back to the burger place… you know?
5. Two (2) apples, plain
An apple a day keeps the doctor away! I don’t know what two apples a day do but they tasted good.
6. One (1) single serving bag of Pirate’s Booty
Why did I only eat one (1) single serving bag of Pirate’s Booty for lunch? Excellent question, but a better question might be: Why does my girlfriend only have one (1) tiny bag of Pirate’s Booty in her pantry at any given time like a MONSTER?!? I will be bringing this up with her!!!!
7. A boozy popsicle we made together three (3) weeks ago
Okay listen, do I necessarily recommend eating a frozen French 75 in the middle of your work day? Well that depends on what the recommendation is for! It will make your day a little more fun and sparkly, I’ll tell you what! It will probably not make your day more productive. YMMV, follow your heart, etc. If you need the recipe, here it is, published on this very website, because I apparently am still using the same moves to impress hot queers a decade later.
8. Leftover cabbage stew
It was delicious when we made it together for dinner and it was arguably even more delicious when I ate it by myself for lunch the next day, mostly because I felt way less self-conscious about farting due to all that cabbage when my girlfriend wasn’t around!
9. Leftover fancy cheese and pate
Similar to the stew, this was a leftover meal that was arguably even more enjoyable the second time round because I was solo. I have IBS and I’m lactose-intolerant but the world is ending and I love a good cheese plate, so sometimes I am very brave and eat dairy in front of a person I love and also want to fuck. That bravery is very noble, obviously, but sometimes you don’t want to be noble — sometimes you just want to eat the fancy cheese and pate and then accept the consequences with no one around to witness you!
10. An everything bagel with cream cheese and homemade strawberry jam I brought over to impress my girlfriend (it worked)
This was genuinely delicious and also an extremely solid meal. I would not be mad if this was my lunch every day I work at my girlfriend’s house.
11. Six (6) slices of provolone cheese, plain
“That’s a lot of provolone, babe!” – my girlfriend, when I read this list to her
Okay, your turn! Tell me the things you’ve eaten for lunch at your girlfriend’s house in the comments, please!