Welcome to my “recap” of The Real L Word Episode 204, entitled “The Other L Word,” which I’m 75% sure is a reference to Lettuce, Lizzie McGuire, Little House on the Prairie or Looney Tunes: Back in Action.
There are few feelings as singularly devastating as the feeling of watching an episode of The Real L Word after watching a brand-new episode of True Blood. I mean, how can “I’m not gonna lie, I have feelings for you” compare to “Sookie, you are mine”? It can’t, that’s how, regardless of how often Whitney resembles a vampire.
Anyhow, as we proceed today I’d like to remind everyone at home that in order to produce these recaps, I have to completely forget that these are real human people and devote myself entirely to the “characters” created by the production team.
That being said, this weekend, Kelsey pointed out a factual inaccuracy in a graphic constructed by Intern Grace several weeks back. This graphic explained “things Kelsey does” as those things had been explained to us by The Show: Cooking, Cleaning and Getting Alcohol. This was, of course, an incomplete picture which fails to illustrate the true breadth of Kelsey’s skills/talents.
I promised to fix it and so we did! Ta-DA! Revised:
She’s a poet and you didn’t even KNOW IT.
We open in the Den of Whit, where Rachel’s sitting in a chair, eating a raw yellow pepper with all the enthusiasm of a tranquilized Keroppi doll. Whitney arrives on her chariot of sex, claims she’s not eaten in days, and submits herself to another session of impromptu psychoanalysis.
But first! An enrapturing discussion about the weight of Whitney’s hair, the nutritional value of Rachel’s favorite snack (no, not Whitney’s vadge! PEPPERS!) and decapitation.
Whitney: “I haven’t eaten in days and the first thing I’m eating is raw pepper.”
Rachel: “Maybe you should eat because you don’t want to become — your head you have a lot of head so what’s gonna happen is you’re gonna end up like this -” [bends her neck to the side]
Whitney: “Like a lollipop?” [sidenote: that is A FUCKED UP LOLLIPOP]
Rachel: “Your body won’t be able to support the massive hair/head ratio.”
Whitney: “There’s a lot of brains in this head.”
Rachel: “Brains?”
Whitney: “Underneath these dreads.”
Rachel: “I don’t know about that.”
Rachel believes Whitney’s going down a ‘rabbit hole’ with Sara and it’s disappointing and nothing like the movie with the Mad Hatter and the Red Queen and so forth. Whitney makes the following “point”:
Whitney: “Maybe right now — maybe my decisions aren’t the best but right now I’m trying to sort out my emotions because that’s what they are behind them — they are emotions behind them. And sometimes unfortunately you can’t control emotions!”
I believe Angela Chase has some wisdom to share on this particular topic:
“It’s such a lie that you should do what’s in your heart. If we all did what was in our hearts, the world would grind to a halt.”
Whitney says Rachel’s being condescending, which is true, but also Whitney’s certainly got a better comeback in that giant-head-nest-dred-brain-holder of hers than “you can’t control emotions.”
Romi, sober and full of light, sleep, and hydration, is going to get her life on track.
Romi voiceovers that she feels “stuck” at Marc Jacobs, which is fair enough, security doors are complicated.
Sober Romi is ready to grab life by its Vixskin balls and turn them into earrings. She’s right: giving up drinking helps you get your shit together quicker than you’d imagine. I say this while drinking, of course.
So thus Romi does some lunges and then runs around the pond in cute sweatpants and an unnecessary hat/doily thing and super-fancy headphones to the sweet sweet sounds of, I think, Enya.
Claire, Queen of the Los Angeles Jungle, is moving out of the House of Thwarted College Romance into her own apartment. She’s dressed like Sue Sylvester for good luck.
Claire explains that because nobody likes her anymore, she’s gotta live by herself, which she’s never done before. But c’mon — LOOK AT THIS EXPOSED BRICK! I’d take exposed brick over two girlfriends any day.
Claire: “[Francine] should’ve told me before I moved out here that it was gonna be miserable, but she didn’t. She told me it was gonna be nice.”
How many people is it again that it takes to tango? Two, right? Yes, I believe it takes two to tango.
Cori and Kacy have mutual friends with Whitney and Sara, so they’re all together at the table, like monkeys at a picnic, NOT TALKING ABOUT SPERM. Instead, we get actual BACKSTORY! Like how they met, etc.
After discussing her wanton party-girl youth and Kacy-permitted wild-oats-sowing period, Cori is forced to move on to a more sperm-focused convo ’cause Whitney asks about “the next step” in their storyline/relationship.
Whitney: “They’re like the perfect couple, they’re like the unicorn couple that you hear exists, but you never really see them out.”
It’s ’cause unicorn couples are always at home sperm-shopping, cuddling, shining their horns and watching Rachel.
So, are you guys together? Cori and Kacy ask Saritney. The two-second pause, muffled by Saritney’s awkward glances and chuckles, says more than their words ever could, and I’m not just saying that because Sara never talks and I can’t handle another Whitney Metaphor.
In fact, I have a metaphor of my own: Sara and Whitney, watching humans, are realizing that their relationship, much like vampires, melts in the sun.
Whitney extracts some nonsense about being stubborn and being “into our own shit.” Somewhere over the rainbow, Samantha Jones is shaking her head and rolling her eyes and deadpanning; “Admit it, ladies. You’re just fucking and there’s nothing wrong with that.”
In addition to having the exact same crazytown feelings about relationships, Sajdah and Chanel have the EXACT SAME CRAZYTOWN BIRTHDAY. Clearly both sets of parents were riding the hobby horse on the very same day, eventually leading to this fated moment when Sajdah would end up in Los Angeles, throwing a weird party filled with tiny pocket-sized scenes of Awkward!
AND A BABY!
Sajdah, being the Butch Gentlewoman that she is, is throwing a party for Chanel, a party she apparently planned despite only allegedly meeting Chanel two weeks ago. She’s rented a big fancy house “managed” by a girl named “Natasha” who is not, much to my disappointment, the same one who was engaged to Mr.Big.
Love stories!
SO MUCH LOVE AT THE PARTY:
Sajdah and Chanel aren’t having sex “currently,” but Sajdah is “planning for it” and “hoping for it.” I’m hoping it’ll be like when Donna Martin lost her virginity to David on 90210 and stacked a bunch of candles at the end of the bed (fire hazard!).
“The desire to have sex inspires me to do certain things,” Sajdah says. Story of my life. Actually, I believe that’s the story of every non-asexual human’s life. Desiring sex, doing things. Things like LAPDANCES!
Sajdah, swept up by the power of Chanel’s ass and her own burning loins, literally hauls Chanel into the other room to execute the Seduction Plan she read about at the dentist. It starts with magical princess sexyloveface champagnesex drinkity-drink procured from Fairieland.
Sajdah could’ve gotten Chanel something boring like a pony, a Nintendo or a charm bracelet, but instead got Chanel a journal.
Chanel: Ooooo, I like the paper!
It’ll be a “tool” for them to express feelings to each other. Thank G-d. These kids need to stop fucking, hiking, watching sports and talking politics and get down to their FEELINGS.
(Also, maybe Showtime had a tie-in with Moleskin, ’cause I think Kelsey got a planner last week.)
Much like Shakespeare and Jeanette Winterson, Sajdah discovers, through the process of writing the first journal entry, that she’s in love with Chanel. Mmm-hm. What say you, Marissa?
Sajdah nabs three seconds of makeout heaven before Chanel has to get back to her guests, leaving Sajdah crawling on the floor like it’s that scene in Sesame Street where we learned the word “agua.”
See the thing is —
Whitney and Sara are in bed together with their tattoos out, possibly naked.
Their mouths are moving and sometimes we snap over to another place, where it’s just Whitney sitting in front of the camera with her mouth moving. Then we go back to the first place where they’re in bed with their mouths moving, and sometimes not moving, and it appears that they then close their eyes and go to sleep.
Oh fuck, I just had the mute button on. Oh well, NEXT!
Back in Sober House…
Kelsey’s been walking all day. She walked up Melrose, Santa Monica, Hollywood, turned six tricks, stuck her hands in the Hollywood Walk of Stars, went to Ripley’s Believe it Or Not and applied to every California Pizza Kitchen in the whole g-ddamn state and thank Jesus Lord Christ Romi gives her a cuddle hug for her efforts. Aww.
Kelsey admits she’s been down lately but hasn’t said so ’cause Romi hasn’t been sympathetic. But that’s all in the past. Walking changes all that.
Romi: “When you find someone who’s like genuinely such a good human being and has such a good soul, you can work on that. Trying to fix someone’s soul and someone’s spirit is not something I’m interested in doing. Trying to fix somebody’s routine and agenda — I can do that.”
Gays have lots of practice with changing agendas.
Romi: “I need you to get rich or die trying.”
Kelsey: “I think that’s what’s gonna happen, I’m gonna die trying.”
Back at The Birthday Party, Sajdah’s Over It ’cause Natasha’s friends have arrived and Sajdah wasn’t told this was also Natasha’s party, and I think Natasha says “that’s what I was talking about when I said we needed to plan this” but really who knows. Natasha and Sajdah have an incomprehensible spat, laden with gems like “get your shit and go right now!” and “I’ve been so patient with you!” and “You want me to clean right now?”
Chanel’s sort of bumbling around like a pretty girl in a sexy outfit who’s not really paying attention to her surroundings and Sajdah gets all Sadist on her:
Sajdah: “Get in my car, we’re about to go. The party that I threw is now over. Anyone I invited must leave now.”
Chanel: “I am talking to my brother! Don’t be like that.”
Sajdah: “I’m about to leave.”
Chanel: “Okay we can go, but don’t come at me like that –”
Sajdah: “Because I had a little gentle conversation and it’s like ten minutes later. It’s ten minutes later!”
Chanel: “Baby – relax–”
Sajdah: “If I rented a place and I say it’s time to go, it’s time to go. There’s no conversation.”
Then Sajdah pulls a Lizzie Grubman and backs that ass up all the way into another car.
As they drive off into the dim cool evening of thwarted expectations, Sajdah has some choice words for Chanel:
Sajdah: “You were sitting there, you was concerned about Shirley. Natasha, she was about to throw me down the fucking stairs. Nobody was hitting Shirley. Shirley’s man was there with her. Shirley was a-ok… if we have one more issue like this, we’re done, we’re done, there’s no point.”
F*CK YOU SHIRLEY YOU ALWAYS RUIN EVERYTHING
Whitney’s visiting Scarlett, who’s painting something for some reason. The most important part is Scarlett being on camera, as she’s pretty much the best-looking thing to ever happen to Showtime since Shane.
I can’t remember what they were talking about, it was either Immigration Reform or Sara.
Scarlett: “Sometimes I just wanna put a leash around you and be like bad Whitney, bad.”
Sara is bad news for Whitney bla bla bla.
Okay. Here’s the thing, Real L Word: SHOW DON’T TELL.
Everyone talks shit about Sara but we never SEE Sara do anything, besides occasionally forget her lines or remember her lines. We rarely see Whitney and Sara’s “connection” or even their “disconnection,” nor do they fight about anything we actually witnessed (aside from, I guess, the Makeout at Dinah Shore 2010), only things Whitney heard from her friends or speculated while cruising for chicks on Santa Monica. SHOW DON’T TELL, SHOW.
Soooo, after apparently locking Francine in a foxhole, Claire’s got a meeting with Power UP!, which Claire describes as a “lesbian filmmaking group” who hopefully will want to work with her on her Big Idea about creating the first Lesbian Online Magazine Website Ever.
Claire arrives at the meeting with camera people deployed by Lesbian Media Empress Satanlord Fuckwad Ilene Chaiken, so I’d say already she’s going against Power UP!’s mission of lesbian visibility butttt that’s just my personal opinion.
The woman in the Girl Trash t-shirt is Stacy Codikow, the founder of Power UP!, and the woman in the sunglasses who you may recognize is Jamie Babbit, director of your favorite movie ever, But I’m a Cheerleader.
Claire: “Out here my goal was to create some kind of lesbian publication — planning on starting with a website, that’s like fashion, health and like — kind of like a – “upgrade your style” kind of thing.”
Stacy: “What’s your publishing background like?”
Claire: “Not so much, not much of a publishing background, but that’s why I wanna start with, um, like a website. So I’m gonna kind of start there, I just bought a domain name.”
They don’t like her domain name (dirty boudoir dot com).
Stacy: “Do you have someone to set up the website?”
Claire: “Well, that’s what I’m kinda struggling with at this moment. That and then also I need to get writers because I am not the best of a writer but I wanna be able to do the interviews and kinda have somebody take what I get from the interview and write and write it because that’s what I wanna spend my time doing is just — like ’cause every day I’ll like think of something new that I’m like — how am I gonna do that?”
Stacy: “Do you have anybody that you’ve talked to about how to go about this?”
Claire: “I mean, no, not yet, not out here.”
Stacy: “You know, this is the tenth time I’ve heard this.”
Claire: “What?
Stacy: “Your pitch.”
Claire: “And I wanna be the person that does it.”
Yes, unlike the persons behind GO Magazine, Curve, SheWired, AfterEllen, BOUND, DIVA, Velvet Park, Everyone is Gay, Autostraddle and several bajilion other websites, not all of them secretly operated by 45-year-old men, Claire is gonna DO IT.
Jamie Babbit: “I think you know, it’s a fun idea, I just feel like we’ve seen it before, yeah — I do think Power Up would be a great place for you to intern if that’s something you’re interested in.”
Claire: “That would be amazing but you know, for me I wouldn’t, like I’m not gonna do something — I’m not gonna go be a secretary.”
Stacy: “It was really good to meet you.”
JAMIE BABBIT JUST OFFERED YOU AN INTERNSHIP AND YOU TOLD HER YOU’RE NOT GONNA BE A SECRETARY!?!?!!?!?!!?!
Romi’s out there getting her life together. Step One is turning her hair into a National Monument:
Step Two is, as aforementioned by Power UP!, getting help:
See — Romi was wearing these feather earrings and they picked up and a lot of people are making feather earrings and wearing them and so Romi figured, why don’t I make the feather earrings? And then sell them? And maybe other things too.
Romi’s like ten steps ahead of Claire, she’s definitely gonna win Celebrity Apprentice.
Alyssa gets glorious with a made-up “voice of reason” voice which sounds like the Wicked Witch after forty cigarettes and a hernia.
Rachel arrives home with cameltoe, admits she’s not wearing underwear, and then drags Whitney to a fancy hotel where Rachel will be cutting her friends’ hairs. But when Whitney leaves for a smoke she returns to find Rachel’s cut off a chunk of Bianca’s hair and also her own hand.
“I do my best work when I’m drunk,” Rachel says, while bleeding from the palm. Whitney, now in super-caretaker mode, consults with Lauren regarding Rachel’s mixers for the evening:
Meanwhile Rachel clips away while Bianca, who either isn’t scared or doesn’t care about her hair, gets shorn.
Whitney: “When you cut your finger and don’t acknowledge it, it’s time to stop.”
Whitney suggests it’d be wise for Rachel to put down the sharp objects but Rachel, being the suddenly needy crushed-out heartbreaking hot mess that she is, thinks all she needs to snap out of it is a few slaps to the face and a kiss. Whitney provides the slaps and reluctantly provides the kiss. No, not that kind of kiss. A BETTER kiss.
If there’s one little bit of you who’s ever felt like Rachel feels in this scene w/r/t wanting someone so desperately that you’ve lost any self-consciousness or pride whatsoever, you’re probably cringing and wishing this wasn’t on the teevee.
In scenes like this though, it’s so clear that Whitney is a really good, smart person, and that many of her failings likely do stem from caring too much for everyone and not realizing that in doing so, she encourages them to have unrequited feelings in return. I feel like Ilene Chaiken has located the most confused and reckless part of her and built an entire show around it, which should surprise nobody.
FUN FACT about Sajdah:
HOT DAMN. Sajdah’s glad to be at practice ’cause she’s mad at Chanel and needs to punch some shit. I get that.
AND THEN…OMG I cannot! I just can not listen to people talk about their feelings for Whitney Mixter or other people’s feelings for Whitney Mixter for one more second of my life!!! The topic is PLAYED OUT, like Pokemon, Lindsay Lohan’s court dates and Sarah Palin.
This scene’s topic is “what happened with Rachel in the scene we just saw,” in case it didn’t rock hard enough the first time.
“It’s classic Rachel behavior…” Alyssa begins. She’s like Dr.Lesbian. She’s just there with her juice and her hoodie just waiting for you to come home and nestle into her bosom and unload your sadness upon her and she’ll like, psychoanalyze whoever’s not in the room.
You know what this show is missing?
Because I feel like this is what this show wants me to think right now:
Claire’s friend Barb is in town, which’s awesome ’cause Claire’s got nobody left to talk to in Los Angeles besides these guys:
Claire tells Barb about her interview and her idea about getting talented people together to do a thing in a “sick way.”
Like she’d be a fool not to do a photoshoot with The Real L Word girls in white t-shirts, she has a vision, but she doesn’t know if they’ll do it — but it would be really dumb of them to NOT do it —
Barb: “You have to like, spend some time with them.”
Excellent point.
Cori and Kacy are going to a “knocking it back before getting knocked up” party, talking about sperm. Specifically, the sperm that’s about to crawl up into Cori’s stomachspace and edge out any potential room for tequila.
Kacy’s being sweet and caring and patient about how Cori likes to party and will probably never party again and then shit gets totally bizarre when Cori reveals that when she gets drunk, she has “alternate personalities.”+
1. Alter One: Cookie.
+
2. Alter Two: Coco.
Are you thinking what Ken Seely is thinking?
Meet Coco:
These girls cannot handle their alcohol. That’s the takeaway here. (Neither can I or any of my friends, which’s reason #46 why I’m glad we’re not on the teevee.)
Absolutely nobody should ever drink anything ever. If you do you will die, ask Whitney to slap you three times, or develop multiple personalities.
Kacy: “She gets that look in her eye, that like eye of the tiger — it was a little scary, I’m not gonna lie.”
Around this time my girlfriend said, “I feel insane watching this,” and maybe I did, too. It’s clear Kacy cares about Cori, Cookie, AND Coco, and that, you know, future Lesbian Moms can party too.
Shit eventually gets too crazy to handle and Kacy shuffles a hilariously talky Cori out of the club. “I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!” Cori yells out the back window as Kacy whisks her away from the pre-baby ball.
Sajdah and Chanel, at one of LA’s many fine outdoor eateries suitable for film crews, are gonna talk it out. ‘Cause they miss/love each other, etc.
Chanel: “I think the pressure we sort of put on each other with having so much in common made us expect to know each other right away. So the little things… it was irritating us more than it should have.”
This rings surprisingly true and haven’t we all been there when you meet someone you decide is perfect for you and the first time they do something you wouldn’t do you freak out? You’re mad at them doubly: for whatever it is you’re actually mad about and also for not being who you thought they were, which is to say — they’re not you.
Maybe saying “I love you” so quickly was too much pressure not to explode immediately afterwards. You absolutely cannot know somebody in a week, or even two weeks. I think you need a full year of holidays, seasons, tragedies, Real L Word premieres, computer crashes and celebrations, to really know a person. And even then, they could turn out to be a serial killer, I saw it on A&E.
Or, you know, it’s because of astrology:
In other news:
Sajdah: “I’m ready to fuck.”
WORD.
Back to the Sister Wives House:
The only thing more fascinating than Whitney talking about Sara or to Sara is Whitney talking on the phone to Sara while one of her other ladies drinks in the kitchen.
Rachel: “I don’t remember kissing Whitney last night… we just had fun. To me, it’s all about fun. I still give great haircuts.”
Whitney won’t let Rachel use Whitney’s car because it says “do not operate heavy machinery” on the side of that pill bottle Rachel just downed. “Something’s off with her,” Whitney observes.
What follows is sort of awkward and upsetting and starts with Rachel crying in the bathroom and Whitney going in to remind her about bleeding all over Bianca’s hair.
Well Rachel does not need one ounce of this shit, she did not take all that Xanax just to get stressed out. What time is it? It’s time for STRAIGHT TALK with Rachel, held in the backyard.
Let’s discuss.
Rachel: “Whitney can’t say SHIT. Because downfalls come in many different um — ways and — at this point, nothing Whitney says to me I can take it with a grain of salt because you’re still fucking with someone who is a lying uhh– manipulator. So your judgment is marred.”
Downfalls come in many different ways — some of us masturbate to straight porn on camera, some of us mix pharmaceuticals with alcohol. Some of us do both of those things.
Whitney goes to pick up Sara from work, chatting to the cameraperson, when she spots Erica on the street walking away from Sara’s salon. It’s like an episode of Cheaters, which I read about in a ‘zine once.
Sara gets into the car and starts talking nonsense about who’s more feminine, her or her co-worker. Whitney confronts Sara about Erica, Sara says she didn’t see Erica and Erica doesn’t even know where she works, so she must have just been in the neighborhood.
Whitney: “You mean to tell me of ALL the places in Los Angeles that she JUST SO HAPPENED to be heading out the back door area of where you work at the exact time you’re getting off of work?”
Whitney “gets it.” It = Sara’s lying. OFF SHE GOES.
Whitney’s basic philosophy is: “You do you.”
Take that home with you children and think about that.
In conclusion — what is “The Other L Word”? DUH!
Comments
Man, Sajdah’s “relationship” with Chanel is really…unsettling. Declaring love after two weeks is not what’s hot on the streets yo.
And why is Whitney fronting about being “done” with Sara? She know she’s gonna be all up under her tomorrow.
“You do you” FTW
Two weeks is wayyyyyyyyyyy too soon. Like, cannot even express how weird it is to drop the l bomb after knowing someone LESS THAN A MONTH.
I expect this thing to crash and burn…
Don’t be so sure…I told my wife I loved her within 36 hours of meeting her. But we also had sex within 12 hours of meeting her. And that was 9 years ago…so you never know.
I mean… wow. I just. I can’t. I don’t even know. I’m so EMBARRASSED for them. And I’m so glad that I don’t watch this show. Ugh. Bless you, Riese.
I feel the EXACT same way. It seems as if no matter WHICH couple it is (with the exception of Cori and Kaci or Kori and Caci or Kory and Kacy or whatever) it’s just embarrassing to watch. I do watch this show because somewhere in my mind I feel like I need to watch shows about lesbians to boost ratings to create demand for more lesbians shows even if they suck. I had to pause this last episode about a million times because it was so awkward I had to drink. This also led to me needing to watch the episode again the next afternoon.
Okay, I’m done.
this weeks episode was weak but this commentary made it way better lmao
This episode was completely and utterly insane.
This review is fucking hilarious. AND it prevents me from ever having to watch the show itself! Truly you do god’s work.
literally every time sajdah’s name comes up on the screen i think they are making fun of sara.
That literally made me laugh out loud because it’s so true. Lol.
Jinx.
Great recap!
For some reason, I also left this episode feeling like Whitney isn’t actually a bad person. I kinda like her, even though she’s a player and also makes poor love choices.
BUT WHO DOESN’T?
Also, you were right on when discussing the awkward feeling associated with watching Rachel spiral out of control. They need Ken stat! Or Jeff Van Vonderon saying “We’re gonna say what we’re gonna say, and you’re gonna say what you’re gonna say, and then we’re done.” I miss that guy.
god i fucking love Jeff Van Vonderon
Candy Finnegan is my #1. If I ever have an intervention, I want Candy there. I’m telling you now, I’m only going to rehab if she is the one making me. I swear, every time Candy says, “I got sober bc of my kids!” (while sobbing), I just DIE!!!
I’d just like to say that it’s cool that we have the same name but they’re spelled differently and that it makes me really happy to see “G-d” in posts. Holla at yo Jews.
you rang?
Ilene, stop. It’s not funny anymore.
I’m actually not this Ilene(?) person…
Oh, then could you tell Ilene to stop. Maybe you could have Pat Robertson do it, I hear he speaks for you.
Damn, relax. No one speaks for me, because I don’t exist. Although that does raise the question of who is writing these posts… hmmm. Maybe you should see a shrink about mythical creatures writing posts that you cant stand?
Sadly, I originally thought my comment was vaguely amusing, at least to myself. And if I’m not on the internet for my own enjoyment, whats the point anyways?
PS. I cant tell anyone to stop, because I don’t know anyone at this site. Especially not this Ilene person you have such issues with…
…I think you missed collectedprose’s joke.
Haha… and they say you don’t have a sense of humor.
This is the Ilene I speak of:
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_1Ssoxfl0MvQ/Sm19-KlJMKI/AAAAAAAAJko/lCY0zmbMvmw/s400/chaikensreturn3.jpg
Satan’s work, I assure you.
What(who)ever will Whitney do now?
is it wrong i find kelsey super adorable :/
Noooooooope. She looks like a lanky, boi-ish version of Emily Blunt, and there’s NOTHING wrong with that. :)
Exactly my thoughts, Emily Blunt! :)
Agreed
Kelsey is super adorable. More Kelsey!
Last episode she wore an Autostraddle t-shirt. It is definitely okay to find her adorable, esp. as she is doubly adorable in said garment.
If it’s wrong, I don’t want to be right. So cute!
she’s triply adorable given I like to imagine her schlepping down the streets of LA looking for work in her autostraddle tshirt
Everytime I watch I want to pause certian scenes that could have been actual storylines and play it like a video game
where you have to find all the “easter eggs” that can trigger new levels (ie. backstories, family relationships, where IFC locked Francine up.)
“Downfalls come in many different ways — some of us masturbate to straight porn on camera, some of us mix pharmaceuticals with alcohol. Some of us do both of those things.”
I hope she was completely wasted while masturbating on camera. If npt, it’s really sad.
i just need to share that i feel really self-conscious every time the person/character who is also named rachel does something substance abuse-y or otherwise embarrassing onscreen
not gonna lie, that one screencap-title-thing that said “and this why rachel takes klonopin” made me think riese was weirdly outing your prescription drug habits. then i remembered show rachel and it made more sense
I miss Marissa. That is all.
Riese – Please, always use Marissa’s “This Is Crazy” screencap when recapping the show, because it’s all I can think when I watch this show. & in return, I’ll increase my AS donation to $20/month because every day I’m finding yet another reason to laugh SLASH love y’all!
done and DONE
I haven’t seen a single episode of this show, don’t plan to, and still drop everything to read your recaps.
Ditto!
I like how Francine was not in this episode, and by like I mean, what the hell?
After her evisceration of Claire two weeks ago (i.e. “I’m not gonna wait around for an asshole like you, etc.”) Francine is by far my fave. I’m hoping she gets more airtime soon.
I’m guessing she just doesn’t do anything crazy, like, talking nonsense to future potential employers (Jamie Babbit, seriously !!!) or have sex on camera or get awfully drunk or mixing drugs and alcohol or all of the above…
She has to be pretty normal, and balanced – and what do you do with that, eh ? Not good IFC teevee, that’s for sure !
“good IFC teevee”
My brain actually stuttered trying to make that phrase make sense
This episode was slightly better than the previous three. I actually think I am starting to like Whitney. Claire however is unbearable and WHERE IS FRANCINE? She is the cutest girl on the show and she did not appear once this week wtf.
Love the recaps, especially the screencap captions.
“I’d just like to note that a 2-year-old got a lower third and Robin Roemer didn’t”
…and also pretty much every caption about a Claire scene.
My favorite part of the recaps are the names for the pictures.
“Are you there God? It’s me, Sajdah.”
you can thank lovely intern grace for those!
thanks, Grace!
I love all of you.
I should really stop watching the episodes and just read the recaps. Claire’s scene at Power Up was painful. Just painful. Call me cautious, but if I was going to move across the country and start up a new business/project/thing I’d have a plan and maybe a few skills. Or find people with skills.
Amazing recap, as always. I kept scaring my roommate by busting into laughter every 30 seconds.
That’s because she moved to be with her ex-girlfriend, that’s why. Or no, wait: that’s because she moved to be on that TV show. Sounds more accurate.
But yeah, it was utterly painful. And the scene with her friend at the bar made me slightly hate her, I think.
I do believe there is a way to recover gracefully from not knowing things you probably should know (e.g. that there ARE lesbian sites and you will need to explain how yours will be different/original).
Claire, on the other hand, did an excellent job of showing all of us exactly how to completely fuck that up.
I just want the whole show to actually be an intervention surprise special so everyone can go to the Betty Ford clinic.
Like, Alyssa is actually a professional undercover interventionist.
Reise! How do you come up with these things? This recap was effin hilarious.
Also, I can’t look at Sara the same way anymore. I watched an episode with my sister and she refers to “Sara” as “Sodomy” because they sound similar. So “Sara and Whitney” are now “Sodomy and Dreads.”
“Sodomy and Dreads.”
PERFECT.
Sounds like a normal Saturday night.
funniest review ever!
Marissa = Truth. She needs to come back and give everyone on this show a reality check. Seriously.
Also, is Claire loaded/has a sugar mama or a legit job on the side? Because I’m confused as to how she’s affording this cross country move/new apt/ etc?
Claire’s dad is a big cinema leader in St Louis.
http://www.stltoday.com/article_f464af8e-978a-11e0-ae06-001a4bcf6878.html
I read ‘cinema’ as ‘crime’ at first and I was like ‘oh’
But either way, no secretarial work for her!
Hahaha, I too saw that (fellow St. Louisan) and suddenly Claire’s character made a whole lot more sense. Girl is LOADED.
It explains some of her personality away immediately.
But obviously no one’s backstory is important here at all
I can’t tell if this is the worst show on television, or the best. Or both. Either way, I’m glad I only watch it while drinking.
Thanks so much for the recaps!
Riese, you always make me laugh, we have so much in common. I know it’s only been one recap, but I love you.
… we can have sex now, right?
Claire?! Fuck. Secretaries are fucking badasses, have hot Maggie Gyllenhaal movies named after them, and up north, many of them in the public sector are unionized. Don’t hate on the workers, man. UNION THUG LIFE.
p.s. who wouldn’t die to work under Jamie Babbitt! (“work under”)
God, I fucking hate this show.
I don’t like how Claire is all “Oh yah lesbian websitemagazinething forreals uh-huh definitely!” like if she says it enough times it will magically appear…and seems to have no plan to like, put some people together and get shit started.
Also JAMIE BABBITT BUT I’M A CHEERLEADER COME ONNNNNN.
In conclusion I really respect Riese and everyone for making Autostraddle happen in real life instead of running around with their hands in the air saying no to fabulously famous queer media people of importance.
MY THOUGHTS TOO.
I was like W-T-F! I’ve been a secretary (now office manager) since I was 16 and I would LOVE to work for someone like Jamie Babbit/POWER UP! Even if the pay was crap the experience would be soooo worth it (I assume). Doing mundane paperwork/computer work and multitasking is 100% better when you work around cool people (especially lesbians, I assume I wouldn’t know, but omg I’m pretty sure it would be awesome (totally suddenly jealous of Krista’s [effin’ dykes] job right now]).
ANYWAY – Obvs, they’re like “Hi, you MAAAY possibly have some potential, but you don’t know anything. Here’s an awesome chance to learn things that will help you maybe one day realize your dream.”
“Oh, no thanks. I’m like, totally smarter than all you guys. I wanna be CEO of all internets lesbian websites that don’t exist yet, I’m offended.”
Srsly, rude, and disrespectful. I can never tell what’s real and what’s not in this show, but that seemed like it might have actually happened as it was so ludicrous.
Oh I guess she has her “I’m on the real l word” career (lol).
Attn: Claire – Google “Lesbian USENET” and discover lesbian Zines / newsgroups / digital information via computers with an internet connection have been around since the early 80’s.
I like how the picture of Saddaaa with no pants is called, ‘No pants revoltion’. It seems more fitting than no pants revolution, because it’s how I feel every time I look at her (revulsion).
I still feel like you’ve missed one on the “things Kelsey does” list: Romi.
Haha.
Word.
Maybe as she doesn’t “do” her often enough it doesn’t count..?
i go to the dentist with more preparation than claire goes to meet jamie babbit the maker of the best lesbian movie ever! WTF girl. claire on her aninitial.com site confesses it’s her fav movie too. which makes it an extra WTF in lack of preparation.
once i called an “administrative assistant” a “secretary” by accident and let me tell you she almost slapped me.
can i ask a question? perhaps dumb. what is IFC’s vendetta against autostraddle? is it we call her IFC? or is it simply because autostraddle can’t weld power through money to compete on her level? does she shun afterellen affiliates as well?
kelsey doesnt do romi tho. remember??!! lol
this shit stresses me out and i don’t even know why
It might be the possibility that Dr. Drew guest stars in A Very Special Episode of TRLW in his Stupid Shirt.
I think Rachel may just been having PMS during that day, hence, the emotional hullabaloooooooo…
I have nothign to say about Korcy, just let them stop saying “sperm” pls, sick of hearing that damn word!!
Vivianne Wu – hooo wooo hooo!! i want more of her coz she’s hot!!
starting to not like claire’s talkative, egotistical character on the show… she’s just becoming less likable..
I think sajdah’s just caught up with the “born on the same day” thing that maybe she feels like they’re soulmates.. Dropping the L word after two weeks – that i can take, but saying it with matching tears falling, i mean, THATS JUST TOO MUCH! I havent watched the show (will do later) and i’d probably cringed when that scenes comes up…
Whitney! I am jsut tired of your Lovelife!! lets skip to that part where you work or do art therapy w/ kids! she said she’s doing it, riight?
what baffles me is why Francine, a cast member did NOT appear in any one scene in this episode, but yet Rachel, one of Whitney’s 10,000 ex-girlfriend/hookups is in almost every other scene? I guess masturbating on camera buys you more lines and screen time.
which is too bad because Francine is one of the only sane characters on the show. (see: every fight she has with Claire & her ability to completely expose her for who she really is.)
i am baffled re. the choice of Saritney as a couple name. what about Shitney?
Where was the graphic sex scene this week?
You guys! Alcohol and meds (not together) are GOOD! But if you *NEED* them to feel okay, GO SEE A F*CKIN’ DOCTOR!
I feel sooo bad about all the unabashed/unaddressed substance abuse…
I get what you’re sayin’ and I don’t necessarily disagree with the point you’re trying to make. And not to be all semantic-y with you, but kind of just to be all semantic-y with you: Some people do see the doctor and do need meds to feel “good” or “normal” or SANE(this is not me yelling at you, it’s me yelling with you).
This is not what I meant :) I have several mental diseases that require medication. I’m good with meds (I’m even good with recreational substance use).
What I’m saying if that if you need to get sh*tfaced *everyday* to make it to the next (whether it be with alcohol or something else), you have an addiction. There’s no shame in that. But that hypothetical person really needs to seek treatment/medical attention for it :/
Well re-reading it’s still not clear (damn you non-fluency!). I think there’s a huge difference between
1/ medicinal drug use (a-okay) which makes you feel sane/normal/good because you have a condition that impaired that in the first place,
2/ recreational substance use (a-okay as well in my book) and
3/ substance abuse (when you suppress your emotions/ability to think because they’re too unbearable).
The latter is problematic on a plethora of levels, the most serious of which being addiction, organ damage, and inefficiency. If you feel that bad, you need to resort to the first option (medical attention with possible medication)
I really like Jenna Elfman.
.
Bless you Angela Chase. The heart is treacherous. Wait. I think I read that in the bible. People who hate the bible please disregard.
.
How many does it take to flamenco? Foxtrot? Fandango? Maybe she thought it was the freddie?
OMG I’m so glad you pointed out the total absence of Francine on this show !!! Seriously, it’s getting ridiculous !!!
Oh, and Claire’s new apartment ? Totally the one we see in the opening credits. Where she’s making out with Vivian. Guess we all know how this ends eh ! Although they did change Viv’s lower third again to “Claire’s ex girlfriend”. Didn’t seem that radical to me last week !
Yay Scarlett ! I’d missed her ! She’s so pretty and sensible !
Overall it did felt like this week’s episode was better than the other ones, probably (OMG I never thought I would say that) because of the LACK of sex ! We got realistic-ish stories and it felt like we got to know the characters a bit more… So that was good.
the ritual:
me and woman watch the real L word
then read the recap
laugh our healthy sized asses off
questions:
1) Does anyone else wonder why the hell Claire is one the show?
2) Does anyone else wonder why it was Claire and not hot Francine or Viviene cast for the show?
3) Why don’t these lesbians ever talk about anything other than themselves and their relationships?
4) Am I the only one that thinks Whitney is more tolerable when she’s near a puppy?
AND Romi is my LEAST favorite one of them and, since my brain hates me, I am constantly singing this Beanie Man song called “Romie.”
“Ohhh nananana nana nananana It’s all about Romie and her big fat sister Naomi the two of them claim that dey know me, now dey arguin’”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fI-g_0mUUmE
So someone watched as this young woman took medication then drank with it,then filmed it?! IFC,making brilliant decisions since 1957!!!!!
The unicorn screen cap deserves a special acknowledgement.
I can’t imbibe enough alcohol for this to work. I need to somehow remove the top half of my head so I can douse my brain in vodka. That’s the only way this is going to work.
It was watching this episode last night on TIVO that I finally made the decision….
Fuck dis shiiiit.
I CAN’T do it anymore.
buuuuut I still want to see where the hilarity goes.
Thanks for taking one for the team autostraddle. Thanks to you, I canceled my season pass so I may remain classily in da loop. And these recaps are damn hilar.
Is it just me, or do we still not know how to pronounce “Sajdah”?? Maybe I wasn’t paying attention enough, but I don’t think I’ve heard her name out loud on the show, not even once.
you guys, i know im not supposed to because of all the sperm talk, but i find kacy and cory irresistibly adorable. i’m starting to think im the only one
Aaaw no, it was part of my comment at first but it didn’t fit anywhere so I deleted it… But yeah, they’re super duper cute. I especially like Cori, despite the drunkity drunk drunkness that seems to be a pattern amongst that highly dysfunctional group of girls.
Yeah the drunkity stuff was a bit ridiculous this time around, but she doesnt seem to be out there all the time. right?
look at me, defending a reality tv couple. im ashamed of my life. but really, i just think that they’re the silver lining to this cloud of drunk whiney lesbians. you can tell watching that they actually, really do love each other.
I really thought I watched the whole thing this time. Turned out to only be about three paragraphs of material. FUCK THIS SHIT IS HARD.
As far as coming up with clever names for people in recaps, I think we have a winner: Lesbian Media Empress Satanlord Fuckwad Ilene Chaiken
I’ve missed you, Scarlett!
Ditto. More Scarlet!
I love the picture captions they are the best thing about this entire show and they are made by Riese and not she who shall not be named so that makes them even better.
of all the domain names to buy…really?!? and the new one it redirects to makes even less sense – An Initial?? maybe i just dont get it. but it does look like vivian is collaborating with claire on it, so i wouldnt be shocked if theyre still together.
this show is so incredibly painful to watch sometimes, and even worse when francine isnt there to call bullshit. crossing my fingers we get to see lots of her next week.
Scaaarrrrllleeeeeeeeettttt!
I think I would rather watch an hour of Scarlett paint her wall, then the rest of this shit.
A lot of the cast members are really sad and stuck that they need to find something meaningful in their lives.
I’m honestly surprised they didn’t make Rachel a main cast member…or even Sara (Sadda)…because those two have appeared on screen at least 37 more times than Francine has.
I know we’re supposed to be positive and empowering, but Claire is an idiot. She thinks she can leave her girlfriend to go “work things out” with an old girlfriend, and expect both of them to put up with it and not drop her selfish ass, talks utter nonsense constantly, and TURNED DOWN AN INTERNSHIP WITH JAMIE BABBITT. R U SRS CLAIRE.
ALSO, YOU ARE NOT MAKING THE FIRST LESBIAN ENTERTAINMENT SITE. JEEZ LOUIS.
This. And if Claire doesn’t want the internship at Power Up, I want it!
Word. Yes, empowerment and support is important but douchebaggery knows no boundaries and should always be called.
I call.
After looking at Claire’s site…
she’s right, she is a bad writer. Can’t you get someone to proof your own intro? Ouch. I’m a scientist and I can write better than that.
yep she is right, that was some pretty brutal ‘riten.
Who is this “Francine” character every one keeps talking about?
was i the only person freaked out by how control-y and crazy sajdah was being after the party?
whoa. because if any of my partners ever talked to me like that (“the party’s over when i SAY it’s over!”), i sure as hell wouldn’t be getting into the car with them, or hanging out on patios the next day while they tried to make it all-my-fault.
this episode i went from feeling quite warm and fuzzy towards sajdah and her first-relationship crazies, to really disliking her a lot.
I completely agree. I would not continue to date a person who ever thought it was okay to soberly talk to me that way, not to mention trying to justify it. I also can’t imagine ever talking to a woman that way and justifying it. R-E-S-P-E-C-T find out what it means to me.
No, you are not the only person! I really disliked Sajdah in this episode because not only was she rude and pushy and controlling and manipulative, SHE WAS NOT REALIZING THIS AND JUSTIFYING HER ASSHOLERY. ew.
After this
Sajdah: “Get in my car, we’re about to go. The party that I threw is now over. Anyone I invited must leave now.”
Chanel: “I am talking to my brother! Don’t be like that.”
Sajdah: “I’m about to leave.”
Chanel: “Okay we can go, but don’t come at me like that –”
Sajdah: “Because I had a little gentle conversation and it’s like ten minutes later. It’s ten minutes later!”
Chanel: “Baby – relax–”
Sajdah: “If I rented a place and I say it’s time to go, it’s time to go. There’s no conversation.”
And this
“… if we have one more issue like this, we’re done, we’re done, there’s no point.”
Chanel should have been like, “Yes! Fuck you! We are done!! Good bye.”
Her behavior was an alert to me. From a mediating standpoint I felt like she really let the pressures get to her. She was upset with Natasha, but afraid of Natasha’s bold violence and misdirected her frustration on Chanel.
I immediately thought about how, so far as we know, this is the first time Chanel witnesses this kind of behavior, and they are already girlfriends. It really pressed the matter that they just didn’t know each other very well.
How does one explain away a 180 like that? Of screaming “Shut the fuck up Chanel!” to a girl you just expressed love for, with tears?
I think it shows that Sajdah feels her emotions very strongly. Its actually a very insightful and vulnerable thing to show, which may be why she claims feelings of regret it the weeks afterward.
When Kelcey was talking about walking around west Hollywood to find a job, all I could think about was that song:
But I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who walked 1000 miles
To fall down at your door
I especially like the part when they say:
If I get drunk yes I know I’m gonna be
I’m gonna be the man who gets drunk next to you
If they ever do a mix tape for each other…
I’ve decided that from now on I’m printing out all of these recaps. And the comments. Every single one of them.
(on card stock)
ON CARDSTOCK
Okay…first thing first, I LOVE AUTOSTRADDLE!!!! I love these recaps soo much. Hilarious. The Cori chart was just beautiful. Lol.
So, Sajdah and Chanel…way too fast and kinda crazy. I admit, I moved fast in my first relationship. I think we all did at least once, you know you get crazy excited and etc. Nonetheless, what Marissa said…this is CRAZY. Yeah, i’m interested in how that’s gonna turn out.
I’m soo damn sick of hearing about Whitney. Focusing on Whitney. Let’s leave Whitney and her mess alone. It’s repetitive and kinda boring.
Claire…lol. She’s not, I dont…lol.
But yeah, that’s mainly it. Great recap as always. Cant wait for the next crazy episode.
This season almost makes me miss the season one cast/characters, who seemed fairly emotionally stable by comparison. Oh, how I long for the dull conversations of Jill and Nikki, or the sight of Tracy hauling around a screaming three-year-old.
I wish they’d show more Francine. She seems so… rational. And self-confident. Alas, this is The REAL L Word, and everyone knows REAL lesbians are full of drama and booze. IFC has slowly crushed my heart beneath the sole of her designer Birkenstocks.
Thank you, Riese, for making such delightful and thorough recaps. You not only provide lots of laughs, but also save me a great deal of agony watching the show! LOVE!
“If you would like for us to shoot you please email us a brief bio and picture to [email protected]”
Au contraire, Claire. If you would like for US to shoot you…
Hahaha, when I first read this I thought I saw [email protected], which sounded super dirty. Oh well.
Or, without the recaps by Reise watchers probably would take her up on that offer to be shot.
This show is ridiculous, but the recaps are hilarious, every week I always look forward to reading them. Good Job Riese!
Just want to say that these recaps are the best part of watching the show. IFC may have money and power, but you’ve got the respect. Congrats on the continually hilarious reality tv reality check.
sugki….I don’t know you, but I think I love you. When’s your birthday?
i want you both to know that if you have the same birthday, you might one day have fights about when it’s time to leave a party. things happen fast and you never know.
I hate it that Claire’s website will probably get more viewers because of this show. I checked it (oh no) and there is really nothing on it.
Was I the only one who thought Whitney was quite attractive when she took care of Rachel? I do believe she has this positive, cute, responsible, handsome, smart and caring side we never see.
And I really felt uncomfortable with Sajdah’s reaction too. Really awful. Also: we absolutely don’t know who Chanel is. The only think I know from her is that she laughs a lot. And gives hugs. Etc. And said “I love the paper” when Sajdah gave her the notebook. Deepening your characters would help, IFC.
ulh i know, i checked the website toooooo… and it was a bit of a spoiler, because vivian is listed as the stylist in all the pictures.
Did anybody else find it strange that Claire, a member of the Real L Word cast (which doesn’t really give lesbians a good image in the media) wanted to work for Power Up, which seeks to create a positive image of lesbians in the media?
OH THE IRONY.
Sajdah’s “relationship” and that whole situation at the party is the total stereotype of DC. As much as I would like to hope that it was all staged, I’ve seen it so many times. Jumping into relationships and saying you love someone to quickly, and her reaction to the whole thing was too much. Her attitude towards Chanel was unnecessary.
And Claire……I would do ANYTHING to have an internship at Power Up! and have Jamie Babbit be my teacher. Seriously if she doesn’t want it, I’ll take it. I need one to graduate anyway.
So… Is Francine suppose to be a regular cast member? Because I think she’s had a total of 10 minutes of screen time. 8 of which were her fighting with Claire.
It’s three am and this as stressed me out and I can’t tell if “who.what.wear.why.” was a play on words or a straight up mistake