Yay! I’m glad you’re here with me to watch the world’s scariest show about teenage girls that I keep watching at like 1am after drinking, which might influence my intense reaction to the end of this episode. Seriously, this was a really scary episode. Was anyone else scared? Was that just me? Anyway, onto the shenanigans!
Oh, as a side note, I wanted to let you know that Lizz is ALIVE, she is NOT being held captive in a well in my basement. She is being a good student and studying for doctor tests. Also, it makes no sense to have a well in my basement, that was a stupid theory anyyway. Whew. I’m glad we cleared that up.
We begin, as one is want to do in this show, on a dark night as the Liars walk around in the dark, completely oblivious to the fact that A is prone to hiding in the fucking bushes.
Of COURSE you should keep your nails trimmed. Did you not read that Effing Dykes post on Autostraddle.com?
Aria is the small child who has just woken up to loud noises and is now sneaking to spy on her parent’s party.
Aria is attempting to talk sense into Emily, but Emily’s being melodramatic (something new and different, EF!) Aria’s like “Spencer wasn’t trying to mess anything up!” But Emily’s all, “And now we’ll never hear from [Ali] again.” Really, Papi, really? You really think Ali’s just going to leave you alone? Dream big, champ.
ewww THAT’S how heteros have sex?!
Anyway, we bust into the Montgomery House and Mike, Aria’s little brother and Hanna’s ex-make out buddy, is throwing a bomb.com party. Where the fuck is Byron? Where the fuck is Byron, ever?
Ali’s diary: Mad Libs style! I’ll go first! BOOBS at a college BOOBS name, cause the BOOBS is a kind of deer??
Meanwhile at the Hasting’s house, which does not have people fucking each other on desks (that we know of), Spence is obsessing over Ali’s diary, which she took pictures of on her phone like the genius that she is.
Alex Cross is Hanna’s hero.
I just love Hanna in this scene. This is actually how I spent much of my teenage existence: reading and eating graham crackers in bed. Hanna tells Spencer she’s reading, and actually says this line, I am not even exaggerating: “No, James Patterson. This guy just gets the criminal mind.”
I love Nancy Drew Hanna.
Oh and Hanna’s not seeing Travis anymore, FYI, she just wants to take it slow and not rush into anything with anyone anymore haha okay we’ll see where she’s at in two episodes.
Spencer clearly doesn’t approve of Hanna reading genre fiction.
SIDE EYED
Mona is at the party at the Montgomery’s house, and was creeping in Aria’s bedroom? She says she was invited by Mike, but she’s being very shady and zipping up her purse very obviously. Wonder what she took/planted now?
See I told you that the Luna Beads would be worth it
The next day Mona confronts Mike about it. When did Mike grow up? I’ve always had a creepy feeling about him. Aria gets this glorious gem of a line: “Was Mona here to poop or snoop?” which kind of killed me but also made me laugh a lot. Can you imagine Lucy Hale reading the script and practicing that line in the mirror, trying to really channel Aria Montgomery? But hey, Mike is now “friends” with Mona and they go to a counseling group at school together. Rest assured, there will be more on that later.
GOSH DAD I AM SIXTEEN I LOVE PRINCE ERIC OKAY
Emily’s dad is back! Sometimes parents are around in this show. Remember when Emily’s car was overtaken by A and broke down in the woods? Well, Emily’s dad got the car looked at. Turns out there was a computer glitch, as in something triggered the anti-theft device and someone shut it down from a remote location. Emily refuses the car, only wants to take her bike. Understandable.
Also, do you remember when a car drove into Emily’s living room? So much happens to the Liars in this show. It’s really a wonder they are still functioning at all.
This woulda been a perfect Alex-Mack-puddle moment fo sho.
Alex Mack is back. She left Malcolm in Seattle. Ezra is threatening her and she’s not really having it, which, well, I am totally on her side in this, to be honest. When Aria walks in, Alex Mack leaves and Ezra says, “People get what they deserve. Eventually.” This doesn’t even trigger big red flags in Aria’s brain, are you fucking serious?
Rosewood’s entire collection of kitschy pulp novels.
Hanna has an addiction to crime novels.
Wait, so the sex scenes in Cornwell’s book aren’t that steamy? Well fuck this then.
Guess who else conveniently loves crime novels? Officer Holbrook! Remember him?! He’s kind of flirting with Hanna. I’m uncomfortable. Am I overreacting? Also, I’d like to just note that Hanna is holding a Patricia Cornwell novel, and I’d like to recommend that she just goes with that instead of whatever agenda this weird cop is pushing.
Yep, gonna skip to the end of this one, no question about it.
The Land of Blood and Ice by Verner Yorsten, which isn’t a real book.
Female ejaculation is NOT a myth.
Emily is telling Hanna about how A killed her car in the woods. Hanna, who is delightful in this episode, says, “The sociopathic mind feeds on intricate patterns.”
Here’s where James Patterson solves who A is.
Oh and also Hanna is trying to talk sense into Emily about hating Spencer, but Emily isn’t convinced.
Breeders amirite?
Ohhhh shit, Aria catches Mike and Mona flirting. Aria calls her out on it, and Mona pouts, wanting to know why they aren’t friends after they became allies. Aria tells her to suck it up. GOOD.
CAN NOT EVEN
Andrew (decathlon Andrew) tells Spence that she forgot a physics test. In appropriate Spence fashion, she loses it. She’s not looking so great, what’s going on here? Is she not sleeping anymore? But her hair still looks perfect. Is she just curling her hair very intricately instead of sleeping? Spencer asks Andrew if he studied and tells him he doesn’t look terrible, and honestly his response is “Sleep is overrated” which made me think of that line in Empire Records where Liv Tyler says “There are 24 usable hours in every day” and looks really hot in a short skirt. I wish Liv Tyler was a teacher on this show. Let’s start a petition.
No, Spencer, don’t do meth, not even once!
Well, “Sleep is overrated” is basically codeword for “I do drugs” so Spencer immediately latches onto it, inviting Andrew over for a “study session” at her place. Uh huuuuh.
I think we can all agree that we missed Mona’s fucking sketchy side.
In the weekly Seedy Characters of Rosewood meeting, Ezra invites Mona to hang out in his classroom and tells her to close the door. She adopts the signature Seedy Character creepy eyes.
I thought that Ezra and Mona weren’t friends. Didn’t he rattle her a little when they last spoke and she tried to threaten him? Are they in cahoots now?
Just hangin’ in my henley being a regular late-20s dude don’t even worry about it
Officer Holbrook shows up a lot for someone who has missed most of the season. He finds Hanna in the coffee shop to flirt a little bit.
Oh, what’s in THIS bag, you ask? Well, Ezra told me that last week he saw Jay-Z and Beyonce over at Babeland, so I went but then I ended up spending like $60 on seven bottles of organic lube. Babe-whole-paycheck-land, more like it.
Then he plants this little seed to not only spoil her book but also this episode, “It always comes down to the dental records.” OH DOES IT?
Jesse seems uncomfortable in his role as the older male Aria is now going to fall for. I can’t say I blame him. The last one turned totally evil.
Aria goes to see the new guidance counselor, Jesse, to complain about his apparent pairing up of Mona and Mike. Turns out Jesse the new guidance counselor is a total babe. I bet Aria’s gonna fall for him. She doesn’t really play this meeting very cool. In fact, she’s pretty awkward.
Jesse explains that he reached out to certain individuals who have had a rough time, but apparently he didn’t think to reach out to the four girls who were stalked and nearly killed last year? Okay.
So, then she blew like really lightly on my nipples and it felt amazing. 5 stars, would recommend.
Aria warns Jesse that Mona is bad news, which is basically her catchphrase of this episode now. She also says that “Mona is the devil” which will surely make people believe she’s not just being vindictive or weird. Jesse tries to reel Aria on in to the afternoon counseling sessions.
I just don’t know if this is how guidance counselors actually work. Is this how they work? Do they have M&M dispensers in their office? Mine sure as hell didn’t, but he did have a giant poster explaining how if you get busted for drugs you can’t get financial aid in college. It’s the little things that stick with you.
LMFAO fcking autocorrect! I meant “Indian food for dinner” not “Alison” lololol sry
Emily’s dad shows up to have a chat with Ezra, who was conveniently just typing, “There’s been a setback re: Alison.” Any guesses on who is he texting? Mona?
Emily’s dad just popped in to say he realizes how maybe Jessica DiLaurentis isn’t a good role model and how bad of an idea making Emily sleep in her dead friend’s bedroom after a car wrecked their living room was. Emily’s dad is reaching out to Ezra? Bad idea alert. Ezra suggests an extracurricular activity, something she can really throw herself into. How about the school play? Late at night, alone with Ezra in the school, what could POSSIBLY go wrong?
Is this how parent-teacher relationships in high school work?
Thankfully, this episode blesses us with some amazing Ezra expressions, as illustrated below:
Wait, what do you mean by “overacting”??
Ezra’s already setting up another meeting for the Seedy Characters of Rosewood club before Emily’s dad even leaves the room.
Meanwhile, on the Walking Dead…
Spencer looks like a zombie. Is this just to play up that she’s tired? This is a weird storyline.
gonna eat yo brainzzzzzzz
“I didn’t ask you here to study, Andrew. I’ve been watching you.” He admits to having some drugz. Likely something akin to Adderall or an otherwise not named study aid drug.
Yeah, this seems pretty legit as far as bedroom drug deals go.
I like Andrew way better than Toby. Also I’d like you to know that my sister is apparently a “study-aid” expert and says that isn’t what they look like. Hmm.
Oh fuck I forgot to put my Diva Cup back in
Emily wakes up with her window open and scary noises in her house, you know, as you do.
SCISSORS ARE YOU KIDDING ME WHO WROTE THIS YOU KNOW WE CAN SEE YOU RIGHT?
SHE USES SCISSORS TO PROTECT HERSELF
THE LESBIAN IS PROTECTING HERSELF WITH SCISSORS
I couldn’t write this shit. But apparently someone did.
She almost stabs her dad, buuuuuuut, maybe there was someone in the house because:
Naturally, a person who can get in and out of a house silently would leave this kind of trace, of course of course.
DUN DUN DUN.
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Oh my goodness. I cannot even handle these captions. Bahahahahaha.
For the contest, “Did someone say CHEESE?!”
Also, this episode truly terrified me also. When and why did PLL get so scaryyyy?
“Weird, your OkCupid profile said nothing about you being intangible.” lol seriously love your captions! ok, the first time i saw spencer i was like “what did i miss?” did she look so sleep deprived when she was in radley? genuine question i don’t remember. can’t say i blame her though, a lack of emily fields affections would have that effect on this girl
It took me way too long to realize that Spencer isn’t sleeping because she’s obsessing over Mad Libs.
And I don’t think A put the note in Hanna’s tooth – I’m guessing he shoved it tightly in the gap between two teeth.
THIS WAS A SCARY EPISODE! Girlfriend and I genuinely freaked out when the Board Shorts Ale label came up.
Sand in the vag lager…that shit GOES DOWN ROUGH!
Having recently had my very first panic attack at the dentist’s office, this episode scared the shit out of me.
I think maybe Wren was the one who knocked Hanna out since he seems to be an expert in every medical specialty mentioned on this show.
Also, I loved the whole Board Shorts Ale explanation because I feel like ever since Ezra was revealed as a potential ‘A’ I’ve read all of these angry posts (elsewhere, not on Autostraddle) about how he can’t possibly be ‘A’ because “Ezra Fitzgerald would NEVER wear board shorts!”
high five for panic attacks at the dentist!
Oh wow, I totally forgot about Wren…
This was the best PLL episode in a very long time, I think. Real shit really happened! It totally had a twin peaks-y vibe going on the whole time and I loved it.
BOARD SHORTS ALE
I DIED
I anticipated it the moment before they showed the label onscreen and was just so happy. Especially because the label itself looks so silly.
Verner Yorsten was such a specifically obscure name, I looked up anagrams hoping it would be a wink to one of the show’s writers’ names.
It was not.
But “Onset Nervy Err” was, which I feel is how they coach the girls to act every episode. Scared. Confused. Shifty-eyed. Constipated. Now confused again!
I genuinely love these recaps so much. Thank you for keeping them going in Lizz’s absence!
I actually feel like they’re purposely dressing Jesse poorly and making him a really good guy to eliminate any possible sexual overtones. I think he’s one of two adult men living in Rosewood that do not have relationships with high school girls.
I must agree, I also like Andrew way better than Toby. Spencer should get with him.
Most important line of the Hannah/Spencer bedroom scene: I’m not wearing underwear!
I just don’t understand…why can’t the liars figure out that A is more than one person?!?!?! Or at least that more than one person can do A’s bidding (i.e. Mona, Toby, etc.)?
I don’t think you can assume that any scene where we see gloves/don’t see a face is Ezra. That’s what I love/hate about this show. So I wouldn’t assume Ezra has the bird.