Paris Hilton’s Tinkerbell is Dead and I Am So Sad How Do I Go On

Hello Autostraddle. This is Tinkerbell and I am seven years old. I am also very famous and very skinny, but one of my eyeballs is bigger than the other eyeball. I have three outfits, but I will soon have four outfits because I am sitting shiva for Tinkerbell. Not me, the other Tinkerbell. You have to wear black to sit shiva and two of my outfits are pink and one is red. The red one says UH HUH HER on it and it was signed by Leisha Hailey who wrote that I am a “hot dog.” But back to the topic of this post which is that my heroine Tinkerbell is dead and I am so sad, how do I go on:

A long time ago, I was a purse. Then Riese took me in and named me Tinkerbell. She named me after the world’s most beautiful dog besides me; Tinkerbell:

tinker

In honor of this sad day, probably the worst day in the herstory of dogkind, Paris Hilton has posted multiple pictures of Tinkerbell on her instagram webpage. This is an important moment for visibility for small dogs who like to wear pink.

As the only surviving Tinkerbell, I feel a great pressure to live up to the legacy of my foremother. Riese has promised me that I can do this without having to miss any episodes of my favorite television program Melrose Place. The other day while I was tossing and turning inside a pillow case inside a washing machine I was thinking about my own mortality and decided that I have no mortality.

This is me when Riese dressed up as Paris Hilton for Halloween and I went as Tinkerbell:

paris-and-kate-and-tinkerbell

Enough about me, today is the other Tinkerbell’s day. I will be watching Tinkerbell highlight reels on YouTube and looking in the mirror while chanting the Mourner’s Kaddish. Riese has assured me that I will not die because “seriously this past year has been f*cked enough.” I do not know what that means but I do feel that I am still robust.

Unfortunately, Tinkerbell (not me, the other Tinkerbell) is no longer robust. I would like to offer Paris Hilton the opportunity to hold me close to her chest while sleeping on her golden princess bed if she ever feels sad or alone.

tinkerbell-2

I was informed of this news by Angry Lesbian Feminist Carmen Rios, who told me, “RIP Tinkerbell, survived only by the other, more famous Tinkerbell who lives with Riese.” I felt two feelings at that moment: 

1. Thank you for recognizing my fame

2. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

“I’m very sad. Willow gets to be on the couch all day today if she wants. She can even lay on Carrie’s grandmother’s snuggly blanket,” said Bren, who cares deeply about Carrie’s grandmother.

“It’s really sad because she is really sad because dogs are amazing,” said Angry Lesbian Feminist Carmen Rios. “I am going to give Eli so many kisses today.”

“I can’t believe she kept a dog alive for 14 years,” said Stef, who self-identifies as “The Worst.” I have always felt a strong bond with Stef for pointing out to Riese that she was holding me upside down at the Halloween party and also because she is the Vapid Fluff editor, and that is what my insides are made out of: vapid fluff. Twice they have stuffed me at Build-a-Bear for free, and one time Riese’s Mom stuffed me but I had body image problems.

“Actually, chihuahuas can live to be 20+,” said Angry Lesbian Feminist Carmen Rios.

“She hoards animals and is way neglectful,” said Stef.

The conversation then devolved into a discussion of Paris Hilton’s pet-hoarding and alleged animal abuse. Stef said Paris Hilton has 35+ animals including a pig. I found this very upsetting so during this conversation I closed both of my eyes (even though one is bigger than the other) and sang “Stars Are Blind” to myself really softly, until Stef noted, “Anyway if you google Paris Hilton animal neglect a lot of things come up. She should probably have just gotten a dog purse.”

Paris Hilton if you are reading this you can call me anytime if you need a small animal to cry on. Riese doesn’t have her voice mail set up, though, so you should try texting first.


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tinkerbell

i am a dog, i like littlefoot, leisha hailey, and to be skinny and pretty.

Tinkerbell has written 9 articles for us.

39 Comments

  1. i’m sorry for your loss, tinkerbell. maybe now is the time to rethink buying that replica of the titanic necklace, to symbolize that your heart will go on, and remind you that leo dicaprio once had the face of a goddamned angel, and also to remind you how cold the water in the ocean can be. aren’t you glad you don’t live on a boat, tink? xoxo

    • Thank you Laneia. I like this idea very much. I think you should buy me a titanic necklace. I am so glad I don’t live on a boat. But I have traveled on boats before, for example I took a cruise ship with lesbians once. I agree that I have the face of an angel and I do not like cold water. But I do like you thank you for the necklace. Love tinkerbell.

    • thank you shannon i am very proud also. mostly of myself, but also of you and your team of women with nice hair. if you would like to include me in a future issue of your eisner award winning comic book about girls who were never purses, that would be okay with me. but until then i am accepting baked goods for shiva. thank you shannon.

    • hello maddie yes it is so sad that you did not know about my namesake before today. i suggest you follow paris hilton on instagram and then you will be all caught up on things relevant. i love you thank you love tinkerbell

  2. Even on this sad day you manage to cheer me up, Tinkerbell. Thank you for such a heartfelt remembrance of original Tinkerbell, may she live on in our hearts and Paris Hilton’s instagram forever.

  3. I hesitate to mention this….in this moment of grief…..but, Tinkerbell, when you looked in the mirror, have you noticed the similarity of your image to “Rat” on Pearls Before Swine in the comics…..well except for you being more compassionate than “Rat”…of course!
    Oh, I thought Paris Hilton was just an urban legend…….go figure.

  4. Hi Thinkerbell, this is Milo the monkey. I’m using my momdad’s account and just wanted to say that I’m so sorry for your loss. I was reading over my momdad’s shoulder this morning and saw the news which made me feel so sad because dogs are really awesome and cute!! Plus it made me think of you and well, I just hope you’ll feel better. Having a banana for you and your feelings. Milo.

  5. Enough about me, today is the other Tinkerbell’s day.

    This is when I realised things are bad. Tinkerbell, today is always your day, and there’s never enough about you.

    With deepest sympathies,

    Sally

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