OPEN THREAD: Thank Goddess It’s Christmakwanzakah

Happy holigays, queermos! It’s been a long, rough, faith-in-humanity-testing whirlwind of a year, and I’m hosting this, the 8th Annual Christmakwanzakah Open Thread, to help you forget all about it for a few minutes via pictures of kittens, small talk about my dog, and an endless bounty of love strong enough to fortify your heart against the nuclear winter in our future and the racist relatives sharing your dinner table with you this weekend. 

Look, here’s some festive animals!

The holigay spirit almost got away from me this year, but then I slapped myself across the face with a metaphorical cold towel called “joy” and went to Target to fix all of my problems, as the rich white woman inside of me often calls out for me to do. I bought a tiny tree, ingredients for a pie, small stockings, and some candles that smell like pine trees and made some magic happen in the name of saving humanity and myself from the Mad Max film that has become our waking lives, and guess what? It worked! 10/10. Would recommend. Put on some holigay tunes, put on a sweater emblazoned with a pine tree and ideally some actual jingle bells, and get to work getting into the spirit. I dare you. Or don’t! I love you never change you’re perfect. But I still dare you to.

Here’s a strong place to start.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lVj5nUmOfR8

Regardless, though, Eli and I traveled home in matching varsity jackets this week with a T-Rex cookie jar, some self-help books, a big tin of butter cookies, a white sweater, and an overpriced airport bottle of Evian in tow, so I know it’s officially time for me to put him in some flannel pajamas and try to train him to unwrap presents by himself. Luckily, I’ve got a very joyful week ahead of me: Multiple occasions to give and receive presents while I wear sweaters, a very gay New Year’s Eve party, and an even gayer wedding ceremony. (At which, yes, I am reading a Hillary Clinton speech to the crowd. Bless.)

Also, I may or may not have convinced my mom to let me take a day trip with her to Chappaqua while I’m here in the arctic tundra I once called home so we can, like, IDK, take a hike in the woods for no reason? In case you were wondering, no, I don’t plan to run into any smart and beautiful women in the woods and encourage them to primal scream with me for our nation. Stop being weird.

But enough about me! Here’s a Festivus Poll for the rest of you! Since I asked you last year to help me dress my dog, I figured this year we could just all decide which of these signature Molly Adams holigay looks we like the most. Hail Santa is gonna win, right.

In case you missed the post last year, she has an extensive collection, so here’s three outfits she owns and one sweater she doesn’t own but totally should have bought.

Okay, tofurkeys with all the fixings! Time to tell all and get weird together. Spill the tea. Shake the salt. Bare your soul. Post a picture of your cat in a Santa hat. Post a picture of your girlfriend lighting a menorah. Regale me with the minutia of your lives. Retell the stories of your youth. Record in excruciating detail the number of times your relatives brought up Benghazi at holiday dinner.

To get you started, here’s a warm-up question. I love polls! Do you love polls? It’s okay if you also just love dancing the pole. I’m into that.

See! Sharing is caring! Let’s do this. I want to know everything about your holigay celebrations and your day-to-day life and I want to know it now and I ideally want you to wrap it up in tissue paper inside of a baby pink plastic bag and then put that bag inside of a box inside of a box inside of a box inside of a box, with each box intricately wrapped in paper, so that I can spend as much time immersed in the everlasting gift of your love as possible.

And remember: At Christmakwanzakah you tell the truth, so please don’t hold back.


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Carmen is the Managing Digital Editor at Ms. , host of Bitch Media's POPAGANDA podcast and co-founder and Contributing Editor at Argot magazine. She previously served as Straddleverse Director, Feminism Editor and Social Media Co-Director at Autostraddle. You can find her on Twitter, Instagram and Tumblr or in the drive-thru line at the nearest In-N-Out.

Carmen has written 927 articles for us.

149 Comments

  1. Oh Well!!

    It’s all over for another year, unless you’re Orthodox I think.

    I’m pleased to say the day went well, food turned out pretty nicely and the Darlin Girl loved her paintings as I’d hoped she would. I got some more fantastic recipe books so I’m sorted for another twelve months and our friends and family have survived to fight another year, so it’s all good in our corner of the world. Hope all went well for all of you and Best Love for the New Year.

  2. I got to bring my girlfriend to my family’s Christmas eve party and I was so nervous and scared. Like sweating before she got there half hoping she got lost to delay everything just a little longer scared and nervous.

    But then she showed up in this strapless red dress and my jaw dropped to the floor. She walked in with me hand in hand. She even asked what our plan for PDA was, which was pretty much play it by ear. (but actually my family left us alone a lot so plenty of PDA was had) And she knows I get very overwhelmed with lots of noises and lights and people, so she held my hand all night and kept checking in which kept me very grounded preventing anxiety issues.

    My whole family thought she was so pretty and sweet. They even all threw a couple bucks in to get her a present so she felt included. I can’t ever be more grateful,
    (even though my 90 year old great grandmother kept telling her to sleep over sometime, obviously not understanding the concept of girlfriend vs girl who is a friend. But that’s a laugh we keep reliving.)

    And the best part was walking her to her car knowing everything would be okay, and it started to snow just before I leaned over to kiss her goodbye.

    Best Christmas ever!

  3. Anybody here watch the “Call The Midwife” holiday special? The focus was on a trip to help a clinic in South Africa: sadly Patsy and Delia did not make the trip (and were only seen briefly at the start). However, I like to imagine that, w/ most of the nuns & midwives gone, Our Grrls *Did It* in Every.Single.Room. of Nonnatus House! ;-)

    Looking forward to the return of the series (Stateside) in April…

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