Hello! I did the thing where after months of talking in group chats galore, I met my online friends for the first time in the same physical space! I hate calling it “real life” because what I have with them, and all my online friends, between our fingertips and technology screens is real. Like, if I talk on the phone with someone I care about but haven’t seen in years, that’s still real life. But I digress. Prior to this, I met two of my friends when I moderated the Night in Gotham panel at QFX in May, and I met one other friend for the first time when they came to my city. I was bunking with one of the friends I’d already met, so my nerves were down considerably because absolute worse come to worst, I could’ve just slept in bed for two days. Here are the thoughts that went through my head during Clexacon 2022:

1. Wow I really hope my nerves don’t turn into gas — I have cramps and there’s only so much I can focus on at once
2. I just need to know why airplanes and traveling are the worst
3. There are worse things — I just can’t think of them yet
4. Oh my gosh, bathrooms are the best and liquids are trying to take down the economy
5. Why does my phone keep ringing?
6. Should I answer the phone?
7. I’m too out of breath to answer the phone
8. If it’s meant to be, it’ll happen
9. I wonder who those black people are waving to
10. Oh shit, it’s me
11. This is why you’re supposed to answer the phone when people call you — especially at an airport
12. Maybe my hunger and thirst made me believe I’d just be teleported where I needed to be
13. I just need everyone to know that as soon as I get to the hotel they can officially meet me
14. Today has been sweat and tears, and I refuse for them to believe that’s all I am when we first meet
15. Sorry for stealing your water, J, imma get you a new one
16. Once again, my hips have decided that no one in this car will be having any personal space
17. I just be saying words huh
18. So, self, we *knew* seeing her (B) was gonna happen, but this laugh? The heart is reporting: Code Ruh Roh
19. I was worried about the weight thing but honestly? It’s makes me great for cuddling, and that’s what matters at this point in time
20. At least my ass offsets anything else
21. Why is LA traffic like this — who let this happen
22. I know I’m autistic and like my routines but HONEY WHAT AM I DOING HERE
23. *looks around at my friends* Right right that’s why I’m here
24. I am always with the group that is holding up traffic. Even as a young babe, the people I’m with decide that they are more important than mere traffic laws
25. And they’re right, but it also gives me anxiety
26. Oh great, everyone is fine as fuck
27. That is perfectly fine for me because I am a professional lesbian
28. I am not a professional lesbian
29. I think my certification got lost in the mail
30. WHY ISN’T IT SHOWER TIME YET
31. Oh damn wait, I do need to go to Walmart, let me hush
32. Look at us all being all gayly domestic and shit
33. Why I buy all this food like I’m not in a bougie ass hotel? Like, the water? Makes sense. Saw that shit was SIX DOLLARS when we dropped our bags off but like a jar of peanut butter, five candy bars, a box of peaches, and four chocolate chip muffins. What am I trying to accomplish here?
34. Shit I forgot I brought all those granola bars
35. Am I a granola bar lesbian?
36. *eats a candy bar* no
37. Was I ever truly alive before I got to shower? This shower is the best thing ever in life
38. *crawls into bed* This bed is the best thing ever in life
39. WHERE AM I?!
40. Oh right. Hotel.
41. Gay friends and token — it’s cool
42. It’s 3 fucking a.m. — it is not cool
43. I don’t even get up at this time on the east coast this is a lie and a conspirac–
44. Damn it’s actually 8 a.m.
45. Well, after that dream that may or may not have been an orgy, I probably won’t be able to look anyone in the face today
46. If anyone gets any closer to me, I may in fact pass out
47. I will not pass out I am GROWN AS FUCK
48. BUTCH UP
49. BUTCH UP
50. BUTCH U–
51. Damn she’s pretty
52. I fear I’ve found myself jello stable once again
53. Is it possible to marry all of your friends?
54. Would it be like Big Love?
55. I probably should’ve finished that show
56. We should get one of those big ass houses where, like, you can visit each other if you wanna see them but if you’re beefin you won’t see each other for days
57. Ohhhh this is what they mean by U-Hauling
58. How do people even do these conventions? Like, do you hear all this noise in here? See all these people? And for what?!
59. I mean, okay wait, I would do this for Javicia Leslie and Meagan Tandy
60. BUT OTHERWISE
61. Wait also Sarah Catherine Hook and Imani Lewis
62. BUT OTHER OTHERWISE
63. I am understanding flirting in real time. Mama, we made it!
64. Can people tell when I’m blushing? I’m light enough that it’s not out of the realm of possibility, especially since I haven’t seen the sun for proper appointments since 2019. But like, my ears feel like they’re about to melt off my face — is that obvious? Why didn’t I make myself blush in the mirror first so I could know?!
65. We are not going to take pictures with ANYONE, celebrity or nah!, like I’m still in high school.
66. YOU BETTER HOLD THESE WOMEN LIKE YOU A LESBIAN WE’RE NOT BEING PUSSY IN HERE
67. Being pussy actually might be the right thing considering this group of friends, but YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN
68. Oh no, is that…..
69. Autistic meltdown?
70. Paired with
71. The knowledge that if I’d had these kinds of friends earlier in life I most likely would’ve had at least 70% less chance of wanting to die?
72. WELP THAT’S NOT WHAT WE’RE FOCUSED ON HERE
73. OKAY BRAINY NOW LET’S GET IN FORMATION
74. I wonder why B pushed her away when she was coming to sit on my — OH
75. WAIT A MINUTE WHEN SHE TOLD ME SHE LIKED ME SHE MEANT SHE LIKE-LIKES ME HOLD THE PRESSES
76. I have no idea why she likes me, but guess what? Not really my business at this particular moment
77. Damn we really all together up in this bitch. And we just love each other. How fucking miracle is that
78. Like not to toot my own horn, but I am a good cuddler, that is an arena I will happy throw myself in
79. Not really throw, that’s so dangerous, what if there are lions
80. And tigers and bears
81. *jazmine sullivan voice* but I’m scared of lovinnnnn you!
82. Listen, completely fuck this racist ass restaurant
83. I gotta get out of here. It’s too fucking loud. But, self, we can’t run away in a city we don’t know and just expect people to like magically know where we are or that there’s even a reason behind you running
84. Like we’re not 17 and suicidal anymore, you can’t just be doing danger just because your body feels it
85. Let me get out this parking garage, it doesn’t matter if its lit, I’ve seen enough horror movies to know they ain’t gonna let my black ass live
86. Waiting outside the restaurant seemed like a good compromise? But I wanna leave. Damn, can’t fit in these seats with my ass, guess I’ll sit over here, away from them.
87. Is it my cramps making me angry or like my general dislike of myself that’s usually at a simmer but is ready to boil over at any–
88. Holy shit, why are my friends so funny
89. See, 17 year-old-me, we can come back, and it can still be okay
90. I don’t know what they’re talking about in this car, but this might turn into a little anxiety over here
91. Well at least we’re almost at the room — FUCK MY MASK
92. *takes anti-anxiety meds and a shower* Okay, I can go back into the room, I can do this
93. This was a great idea because now I’m calm AND I get cuddles from B and my friends AND I smell good
94. Anxiety, for once, you have done me good
95. Maybe I shouldnt’ve drank with the meds
96. That’s probably fine
97. TOMORROW IS THE BIG DAY: WILDMOORE RISES
98. Oh hey, M
99. Ohhh we’re gonna share a bed that’s cool
100. I hope I don’t just fall asl–
101. Damn, it really is a whole new ass day
102. Oh shit, I gotta be stealth so I don’t wake anyone up
103. *clatters glasses and phone onto the hardwood floor*
104. Like should I just start saying the opposite of what I want or…
105. I know they’re snoring, but I think they’re doing it just to be polite
106. HOW MANY TIMES AM I GONNA HAVE TO PEE TODAY
107. Oh wait maybe it was the drink last night
108. THE MOMENT WE’VE BEEN WAITING FOR THE FAMILY PHOTO WITH JAVICIA AND MEAGAN AMAZING
109. Wait, why do Javicia and Meagan remember me?
110. I should not be this freaked out when people remember me.
111. But like, I’m really forgettable, you know?
112. HOLY SHIT THIS PICTURE WITH ALL MY FRIENDS AND MEAGAN AND JAVICIA AND AHHH I LOVE THEM SO MUCH
113. Well shit, we’re not gonna be crying in the club ABSOLUTELY NOT
114. Okay, so no one else is hot as shit? It’s hot as a motherfucker in here
115. Oh wait, maybe that’s my cramps
116. Damn them joints really do come outta nowhere don’t they
117. These bags is too damn heavy
118. I just wanna fight, why do I wanna fight
119. Why is everything so fucking loud and close and I should’ve sat down and now I’ve messed it up I’ve messed everything up how the fuck how the fuck
120. Why do I immediately feel better?
121. *sees B holding my hand* Oh shit.
122. I will *not* cry because I am a thug in my mind and I will not cry
123. I am really sitting with all my fandom friends as we watch the two women who brought us together have a panel for the first time — this some historic ass shit
124. Damn that question really sounded better when I dreamt it
125. Ah well, at least it’s over
126. I really be getting in front of crowds like I don’t have whole ass anxiety, wild
127. All of my friends saying, “Good job, Lex” and I’m probably gonna cry
128. Oh when they say “meet and greet” they really mean that shit
129. We really in a circle like we in group therapy — it’s kinda lit
130. Who says lit anymore? Well I guess I do, maybe I should lower it on the list of my vocabulary though
131. Why do people think we’re together?
132. It’s not a bad thing, I just wish I understood
133. Ugh, just because I’m uncomfortable doesn’t mean I should’ve said that shit
134. Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit
135. And like, there’s no way to fix that because this is an opportunity that is like, donezo now, and I can’t fix it and shit shit shit shit shit shit
136. Probably shouldnt’ve done that
137. Shit, it like echoes the first time in high school almost exactly
138. I really said I will never be in a public bathroom stall cutting over a girl again. It’s been ten years, what the fuck man
139. I wanna go back to my room, but I can’t, I won’t ever be in this place, in this time, with these people ever again
140. I so did not mean to like almost bawl my eyes out when I met her
141. But she asked “Are you taking care of yourself?” and I almost lost it right there
142. Like damn bitch! Keep it together! All this damn therapy and shit make my tear ducts all loosey goosey and whatnot
143. Well, that was okay, I think I can try the next one
144. HI BABE (B)
145. *be cool*
146. *remembers i am not cool*
147. *be warm*
148. wait what
149. I can’t believe this is the weekend everyone in my group learned I can only tell the truth and the whole truth because otherwise it hurts my tummy
150. Of course she’s gonna take the best pics — she always takes the best pics
151. Oh shit, self, you’re down bad aren’t you?
152. No time to answer! Talk!
153. The boyfriend pose will never get old for me
154. *Javicia spins me around* “My turn!”
155. ………..well I’ve learned something about myself very quickly in this moment
156. It’s like every time I’m around my friends I learn about ten years’ worth of new shit about myself — how do they do that?
157. I kinda wish I had done the meet and greet
158. Nope, I get to sit with B, just the two of us for a while. I’m glad it worked out this way
159. Sitting in this hotel room with all my friends, babe lying across me, I wish this right here would just stay
160. The last time I went to something like this, it felt like I was in a bubble outside of the world, to an extent. But this one, all of me was still right up against me in a way I couldn’t escape. And I think it made meeting them, being able to call them family, more real. Cause if it could survive whatever shit I just went through, then maybe it can survive other things too.
161. But like how is it possible they are all so fucking hot, good grief, but also thank goodness

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