Glee 219 Recap: Rumours are Super

Hello my little muffin hellcats, it’s time to recap that show you saw on Tuesday! I was gonna post this recap on Tuesday but then I was like, “what’s the point, they JUST saw it, they probably still remember what happened!” and thought I’d wait a few days to really extend the pleasure of your Glee experience, like chewing a really badass piece of gum.

Wow, so! Jeez. The 70s, right? Christ. Well — not Christ. Who needs Christ when you have free love and LSD and Fleetwood Mac? That’s the lesson we learn this week on Glee, except without the LSD.

Glee’s a hit-or-miss show these days but this episode was the kind we don’t see much. For starters, the weekly Guest-Star-Who-Has-Sexual-Tension-With-Will, Kristin Chenoweth, didn’t overshadow the action. Her song was well-chosen and, despite the fact that I had to look at Will’s face for more than two minutes because her face was so close to his face and I wanted to see her sing, well-done. The songs, all from the Fleetwood Mac “Rumours”  album (excellent to listen to while driving from Michigan to Lima, Ohio, to eat at The Cracker Barrel), served to advance plot and expose the individual characters’ emotional journeys. Until the last number, when I mean what is this Zoobilie Zoo, nothing was too hokey.

It’s actually been monumentally challenging for me to recap this episode because it wasn’t weird and Jenny Schecter wasn’t in it. I just don’t know why they dumped his body in the fucking OCEAN.

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We open with the My Barbie Funhouse themesong to “Fondue for Two.” You know what’s great about this opening number? Much like staples and ex-girlfriends, this song never quite leaves your head. It may recede, it may take some time off, it may take a trip to the Dairy Queen, suck on a Dilly Bar and return to your cranium but it will NEVER ever EVER EVER truly stop playing in your head. It’s only one line, so that’s not complicated: “Fondue for Two.” Over and over and over again. Fondue for Two. Fondue for Two. Maybe this is what Brittany’s brain sounds like!

Inspired by Brunch With Bridget

Brittany S. Pierce, like so many nubile blonde teenagers before her, is venturing into the deep vaginal canals of YouTube to seek fame by dipping sticks into a warm hot bowl of fondue and gossiping. After Tina tells us her boyfriend has a big penis, Brittany drops that Santana “plays for the other team,” which is a rumor she can 100% verify is true.

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Mercedes and Tina are shocked — not shocked enough to follow up in the next scene or possibly ever again on this show — but shocked nonetheless.

this show hasn't even found me a boyfriend and santana is already switching fucking teams?!!

 

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Rachel gives Sam chapstick and asks him to prom and he says no. I feel sad.

whomever wears the sailboat sweater wins, house rules

 

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Sue Sylvester has a plan which I can’t really listen to, my head is like a Samurai warrior situation flicking its wand back and forth around David Bowie (who is queer and I love) and Ann Coulter (whose fingers I’d like to stick in a lawnmower) and Jane Lynch, who is very tall and also gay. Anyway does it really matter what she’s talking about? No, she’s Lex Luthor, every week she’ll just try again. It’s a thing Sue’s gonna do to get rid of Will.  Surprise!

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Guess who’s in this episode? Our best friend forever, Kristin Chenoweth!

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Sue’s reviving the school newspaper, The Mudracker. Their motto is, “if you’ve heard it, it’s probably true,” so everyone’s talking super-loud so we can hear everything. Finn thinks Rachel’s talking about Quinn being trapped in a closet R-Kelly style when she freaks out but no, that’s Santana trapped in a closet.

Again — nobody cares. All he cares about is what Rachel tells him next!

Quinn is having secret MOTEL activities with Sam in the motel right by the Cracker Barrel? I’m not 100% positive that Sam is staying at the Travelodge in Lima — and let’s be real, he’s probs not, because it would be way more expensive than a house, but just for the purposes of getting back to the theme of this show, which is The Cracker Barrel, I’ve made this map for you:

Once inside the classroom, Santana’s a bat out of hell in an interesting shirt-like thing, barking at Brittany for saying Santana played for the other team on her “melted cheese show,”  but Brittany insists it was the Cheerios –> Glee, not Men —> Lezbos.”You couldn’t have thought of any another way to say that?” Santana yells. What do you think Brittany is, Santana, some kind of Thesaurus?

Santana’s like a sexy farmgirl and Brittany’s like a sexy grandmother or something. Again — note that nobody in the room really gives a shit if Santana’s a fuckin’ lesbo because this is Generation Me, and they can’t stop thinking about themselves long enough to even consider homophobia.

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Baby, it’s cold outside but it’s warm up in this room (because of the fire), where Will and K-Chen are talking nonsense which eventually leads to Will’s Big Theme — they’ll all do songs from the Fleetwood Mac album “Rumours.” And who better to go first than Will and his lady-of-the-week?

Sidenote: This dude gets a lot of play.

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Hey remember the last time they did Fleetwood Mac? Of course you do. You watched that episode like 10,000 times, you GIANT LESBO.

both singing fleetwood mac

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really, they could be anywhere

Artie confronts Brittany about bumping clams with Santana, but Brittany explains that it’s not cheating, it’s just talking with your tongues really close. Artie’s like “can’t you see she’s manipulating you?” Artie Artie Artie! If anyone noticed anyone else manipulating someone else on this show ever, the show’s foundation would crumble like a gingerbread house in a thunderstorm. (Which happens more than you’d think).

Artie’s unhappy — it’s crazy enough that she’s dating him in the first place (PREACH!) because his legs don’t work and her legs are buns/thighs/calves of steel and she’s so pretty (or because he’s been a misogynistic jerk sometimes).  I f Santana is providing anything for her that he can’t (TRIBADISM) then he will probably die of an anxiety attack just thinking about it so it’s better he wheel himself off into the distance, bringing his haircut and the various Scenic Landscapes expressed in his knitwear back out onto the open market, where he can breathe freely.

When Artie starts talking about her having any other love in her head I start to feel itchy and I think it’s because this is the longest line Artie’s ever had. I mean he just keeps talking. And then when Brittany says everyone thinks Santana is a bad person but she’s not, Artie, ALWAYS THE GENTLEMAN, goes “God, Brittany, why are you so stupid?”

Dick Move, Dick! Look at what you did to Heather Morris’s face!

You guys, amazing, right? Brittany and Arite have broken up, which means the road to and inside of Brittany is wide open for some hot grease lightning, let’s get this show on the road!

But first, Artie’s getting emo singing Fleetwood Mac, looking Dustin Hoffman in the first scene of The Graduate, followed by a large gaggle of boys playing guitars like the Pied Piper of Dumpsville. There are too many guitars in this song.

The next john mayer is back there somewhere

More importantly, Brittany must turn to Santana in her time of need. Luckily Brittany’s skirt is so short that they could probably consumate the relationship with a two second flick of the wrist, but look at Santana being all cute and friendly towards her sad friend.

they're already doing a semi-matchy color scheme, will probs get married soon

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Meanwhile, the young bird-like children are hunting for rabbits in the wilderness of Witch Mountain.

I'm so glad we spent $2,000 on these binoculars

It’s like Olivia and Elliot doing surveillance on a suspected serial rapist. I hope nobody contaminates the DNA evidence and nobody involved has links to Elliot’s daughter on headbook.com.. Rachel and Finn have used their Spidey Sense to find the motel where Sam’s hiding out from the Mafia, the FBI or — OH WAIT HOLD THE PHONES — the GAY MAFIA?

i promise i'll consider that offer for a haircut, dude, thanks

Okay — time out! Please let me know if you also called the outcome of this motel situation subplot from the beginning.  You guys motels aren’t just for sex, they’re also for sleeping and watching teevee and drawing pictures in the Bible and hoarding remainders of that day’s Continental Breakfast for later. Because it’s always time for muffins.

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LISTEN IF NOBODY'S TAKING THESE MUFFINS, I'M EATIN' 'EM

Where are these kids, some kind of coffee shop? Seriously this looks like a set from another show. I wish Finn and Aiden from South of Nowhere could be girlfriends, because they are two of my favorite lesbians.

The Gossip Girls have a meeting to go over last week’s rumours and make projections for the remainder of this week. Quinn assures the group that Sam isn’t gay — she knows. You know? She KNOWS. How does she know? Who knows? Rachel mentions that they’ve all tonsil hockeyed the hell out of each other’s units, dropping some internet “shipper” lingo in the process that I’m sure delighted the tumblrs of those monikers on Tuesday night.

Rachel: Look at all the combinations we’ve had. Finnchel, Puckelberry-
Tina: McTina Cohen Chang-Chang
Artie: Arttideney*
Puck: Pizes

Have you noticed that nobody thus far in the episode cares who is gay and who isn’t? All that matters is who is attached to whom else and who might want to break that up. Like the only reason they care about Sam being gay is if that means Kurt is cheating on Blaine, the rest of it is just whatever. What I’m telling you, Santana, is that THE COAST IS CLEAR.

*really?

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Brittany’s a sad panda, and when Brittany’s a sad panda, everyone’s a sad panda because Brittany can only really be Brittany when she’s dancing. Santana’s already scaled Landslide’s emotional mountain and now is prepared to go even deeper into the Fleetwood Mac cannon to express her feelings for Brittany — her private feelings.

Brittany: What about him? [pointing at the piano guy]
Santana: He’s just furntiure. [to the guy] Sorry, no offense.

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Riese is the 38-year-old Co-Founder and CEO of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker, low-key Jewish power lesbian and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 2836 articles for us.

109 Comments

  1. “The song is fun, everyone gets super excited, especially Finn flexing his fisting muscles on those drumsticks.”
    i choked on my hot cocoa when i read that. finn is more of a lesbian than any of us, WHICH IS SAYING A WHOLE LOT.

    furthermore, i want a tumblr to be devoted to mctina cohen-chang chang. hell, i just want to hear someone seriously use that phrase in a sentence again.

      • Oh, and one last feeling – I get why Santana might be worried about her group of friends finding out. I knew that most of my friends would be okay with my queerness, but I held back for a *long* time. To be honest, I’m not quite sure why.

        • oh yeah i agree — i’m just noting that it’s an interesting choice from the writers — how everyone is reacting to gayness as a non-issue and far less important than other potential secrets.

          • Well, I think the particular little group that it’s in New Directions is accepting of homosexuality, because they all love Kurt so much. But that doesn’t mean the rest of the school is, and that’s whose opinion Santana is worried about here.

          • Agreed. I didn’t come out until my early 20s, but I was a theatre major for eff’s sake. I had homos around me 24/7 so although I knew my peers would be cool with it, I knew my ultra Christian family and a large majority of my sorority friends would not be. Once you open those floodgates, there’s no coming back. And think of all the other ramifications. Dealing with becoming a second-class citizen overnight, discrimination in other aspects of your life and definitely the whispers behind your back. It doesn’t matter how open-minded your friends are, you have to be in the right frame of mind and secure with who you are before coming out, period. She’s not ready to deal with it yet, which is understandable. Santana’s obvs way more insecure than one would think since she’s SO concerned with how other people perceive her so she’s gotta make peace with that. I personally think it’s kinda weird that she’s so gung-ho about telling Brit Brit how she feels. I would think she’d keep some of those feelings to herself if she’s not ready to deal with the gayness yet, but to each her own. I respect that balls to the wall attitude and when she comes out, it’s gonna be guns a’blazin.

            That being said, when are they just gonna MAKEOUT ALREADY? Shit.

  2. YYAAYY!! Thanks for putting this up so I had something to read while attempting to make it blatantly obvious to my roommate and her boyfriend that I was awake by typing loudly on the computer so that they would stop hooking up 10ft away from me!

    Seriously though, they should have Fondue for Two every week. I would watch it religiously.

  3. I hope that after Santana sang to Brittany some serious scissoring went on. But really, I thought they would show them kissing.

    Also, I did not know Lima was a real place outside of Peru! Thanks for the education.

  4. I have grave concerns about this episode.

    While Glee is exemplary in highlighting the pressures on modern queer teens, I am starting to suspect it is inadvertently escalating those pressures.

    It all started with Landslide a few episodes back. What seemed like a great advertisement for serenading your crush with heartfelt ballads has now transformed into mandatory renditions of the entire Fleetwood Mac discography just to get to first base.

    Back in the day, you could win a girl’s affections with a smile or a joke, just being in possession of a pair of boobs, or even merely being horizontal in the right place at the right time.

    You saw the anguished expression on Santana’s face when she was being interviewed about the fake Karofsky stories? Those pained looks she was shooting Brittany? That was pure, abject terror because she realised the only Fleetwood Mac song that hadn’t been done yet was Albatross and she had no fucking clue what to do with that.

    Also, I can’t get behind the whole Brittana thing. Seriously, is the emphasis on the “brit” or the “ana?” I cannot support something I don’t know how to pronounce. Therefore, I shall begin campaigning for Lopierce. You know it makes sense.

  5. Thanks for the recap. And I actually like that it goes up ‘late’ (w/e) because it gives me something to look forward to. SUCH a grueling week..

    Tbh, though, I kind of prefer it when you just talk about the show (feelings, WTFs!, etc). I’m really into other peoples’ opinions. And stuff.

    But still. Glee! And wtf, Artie? Are you the Mr. Shue of sweater vests? I’m finding it distracting.

  6. Regarding the question of my favorite recap line, it’s a death match between:

    “Meanwhile, the young bird-like children are hunting for rabbits in the wilderness of Witch Mountain.”

    and

    “It’s like The Country Bear Jamboree!”

    With those overalls, Santana’s a lot closer to eating jicama than she may think.

  7. I find it strange that Santana is dead set against everyone knowing she’s gay, but will happily wear dungarees, which are surely the most lesbian trousers after long combat shorts?

    I believe this is deeply symbolic of her ongoing confusion.

  8. Riese, I agree entirely with your feelings w/r/t “why on earth can’t brittana just happen already?!”

    And no. Kneesocks are not a thing; just like full-length plaid pants, they are not okay unless your age is still a single-digit number.

  9. brittana would totally happen if 3/4 of the show wasnt involving the stupid finn-quinn-rachel triangle of EVERY EPISODE. i dont even understand how anyone can still give a fuck at all about that, its just ridiculous. can they just rock-paper-scissors it and then alternate weeks or something? fuck.

    …haha scissors.

  10. Love your recaps Riese! They’re Scribegrrl amazing! Love them! Cannot wait for the prom episode and YOUR recap! Never wait to post! I only process with your recaps! :D :D

  11. I should know by now not to read these at work. My co-workers probably think I’m crazy because I sit here biting on my finger & trying not to LOL.

    I can only come up with two explanations for Santana’s overalls – either she’s trying to figure out how a lesbian is supposed to dress, or she’s behind on her laundry and that’s all she had left. Because really – two pairs of overalls in one week? Santana, your gay is showing.

    I’m also convinced the costume dept owns stock in an ugly sweater company because these kids wear an awful lot of damn ugly sweaters.

  12. So, when Brittana happens, that will mean that all (okay, both) high-profile gay ladycouples on TV will be Latina/blond. Is there some secret rule about this? Was Shane secretly blond? Was Carmen was secretly dating Alice? Where are the gaysians? So many questions.

  13. Brittany has to be really careful with Santana and I think someone should sit her down and explain to her that Santana could’ve done something drastic. She didn’t of course, but we all know how scared she is about being outed and I don’t buy Brittany’s explanation that she was talking about her leaving the Cheerios.

    Hey Riese, if Hulu is giving you trouble why don’t you stream the episode on the Fox Glee site? It’s free and available the day after the episode for 4 weeks after the episode. Or is that upload date on the Fox site too late for you? Cause I’ve had no trouble with it.

    • it’s not a hulu problem, it’s a “my internet” problem. that being said, hulu won’t let me pause it for more than a minute without going mute for the rest of the episode, so i’ll try that next week.

  14. i liked this episode. i particularly liked the parts where brittany and artie break up (i didn’t like seeing brittany cry, but i thought heather morris did a good acting job) and then santana sang her a love song and poked her on the nose.

    i didn’t like the parts where santana canceled on brittany and they didn’t make out.

    was there something else happening this episode?

  15. Diver needs to hurry up and comment so I can read the reaction to being name dropped. It still freaks me out when Riese talks about commenters cuz it’s like Zeus reaching down from the clouds and giving us ice cream. but better.

    also my cat keeps sitting on my computer as I read this I think she is attracted to lord tubbington? if my cat marries Brittany’s cat what does that make me?

  16. I love how Glee handled the love triangle this week! Even though I kind of hate this show now. At least there was Fleetwood Mac so I wasn’t fast-forwarding through the songs.

    I especially liked the scene between Artie and Brittany. Artie was genuinely afraid because Santana wanted to replace him as Brittany’s romantic interest, and he knew he couldn’t compete. And that’s as far as he, or anyone, really cared – except for Santana, who is dealing with the turmoil of being closeted. Rachel’s dismissal of Santana’s sexual orientation was genius. Not about Rachel, thus utterly unimportant. And… that’s really how things are in the world, most people are not going to give a damn. This is teaching valuable lessons to the baby gays.

    The last TV show I watched that had “character discovers bisexuality/lesbianism” was Grey’s Anatomy and they still had the interested male lead be all “Awwww yeah. Hot lesbians making out” and made the thing a ratings stunt. It seemed weirdly male-gaze oriented despite the show having an audience of probably 95% straight women. Thank god they’re not going down that road on Glee.

    It’s a nice injection of realism. When your girlfriend seems like she’s leaving you for someone else, it’s heartbreaking. Everyone involved in our little Artie-Brittany-Santana love triangle has complicated feelings and they’re horribly confused and unsure of what to do, just like real people! Nicely handled, Glee.

    • I feel like from another, less historically-misogynistic character, Artie’s lines could have read like “I want to be with you, and be monogamous with you, is it true that you are stepping out on me? That hurts, if you are.”

      But instead, it came across like, “I need you to be dependent on me because I am super insecure and think that the only way you will be my girlfriend is if I remove all your other options and you must rely on me for x y and z (presumably all your emotional and sexual desires and maybe all of your social interaction). Also, Santana is scheming and out to get me, me personally, because lolz, why would you have a lesbian fling / relationship except to exacerbate my manpain? BRB going to go hate myself some more and toxically take it out on you.”

      So, in short, yeah, you weren’t the only disturbed one.

  17. “Santana will probs sing ‘Songbird’. That’s my only prediction.” – my comment ala “Glee’s Santana Is A Confirmed Lesbian, Kurt & Blaine Do Prom” article.

    I TOTALLY CALLED IT YOU GUYS.

    i have some serious feelings w/r/t that song & while i do not watch glee – i quite like santana’s rendition of it.

  18. 1)Santana in overalls IS hot.
    2)Brittany being sad makes me sad.
    3)Santana being afraid makes me sad.
    4)Artie’s comment=asshat.
    5)Santana singing=good.
    (a)Santana singing a love song to Brittany=extra good.
    6)Some other stuff happened with other people that I don’t
    really care about.
    7)I’ll be pissed if something significant doesn’t happen
    for Santana and Brittany by the end of the season.

  19. 1. Am I the only one confused re: Sam’s siblings being blonde when we all know (as Kurt figured out first) that Sam is not a natural blonde?

    2. I totally spotted the bikini kill sticker too, I feel like it has secret meaning.

    3. Kurt was fab as always.

    4. I AM SO OVER QUINN RACHEL FINN LOVE TRIANGLE UGH.

    5. Lord Tubbington/Fondue for two ftmfw.

    6. Let’s get rid of Schue/Finn/Artie already please, fill in the gap with moar Brittana.

    • 1. I thought the only thing Sam is guilty of doing is bleaching his blond hair using lemon juice. That’s what he confessed to Quinn on their first date at Breadsticks, and that’s what Kurt accused Sam of doing. Sam’s probably a natural blond, but not necessarily the surfer look he was going for.

  20. this was such a good episode… but this shizz is like DAWSON’S CREEK TORTURE! JUST SCREW OR SCISSOR OR PAPER OR KNOCK ROCKS OR SOMETHING! C’MON HOT DANCER WITH A HEART OF GOLD AND AWESOME BITCH WITH A THING FOR DANCERS! LET’S GO! After that soulmate hug, a kiss would be appreciated!

    also, naya has a great voice.

    and does anyone else get the feeling from the preview of prom queen that Artie is gonna out Santana at the prom?

  21. You seem to be fond of Finn. No idea why.

    Fav lines from you:
    “You watched that episode like 10,000 times, you GIANT LESBO.”
    (Yes, yes I did. How am I this transparent?)
    “when we could just be watching Santana and Brittany make out.” (SERIOUSLY there are so many better things to do than Sam subplot)

    You’re hilarious.

  22. There were 99 comments, so I had to make it an even 100.

    Just to legitimize this comment, I don’t believe Santana is worried about what the glee club thinks, she’s worried about the rest of the school thinks, thus going back with Karofsky(?)and the relative safety of acting heterosexual.

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