Hello my little muffin hellcats, it’s time to recap that show you saw on Tuesday! I was gonna post this recap on Tuesday but then I was like, “what’s the point, they JUST saw it, they probably still remember what happened!” and thought I’d wait a few days to really extend the pleasure of your Glee experience, like chewing a really badass piece of gum.
Wow, so! Jeez. The 70s, right? Christ. Well — not Christ. Who needs Christ when you have free love and LSD and Fleetwood Mac? That’s the lesson we learn this week on Glee, except without the LSD.
Glee’s a hit-or-miss show these days but this episode was the kind we don’t see much. For starters, the weekly Guest-Star-Who-Has-Sexual-Tension-With-Will, Kristin Chenoweth, didn’t overshadow the action. Her song was well-chosen and, despite the fact that I had to look at Will’s face for more than two minutes because her face was so close to his face and I wanted to see her sing, well-done. The songs, all from the Fleetwood Mac “Rumours” album (excellent to listen to while driving from Michigan to Lima, Ohio, to eat at The Cracker Barrel), served to advance plot and expose the individual characters’ emotional journeys. Until the last number, when I mean what is this Zoobilie Zoo, nothing was too hokey.
It’s actually been monumentally challenging for me to recap this episode because it wasn’t weird and Jenny Schecter wasn’t in it. I just don’t know why they dumped his body in the fucking OCEAN.
We open with the My Barbie Funhouse themesong to “Fondue for Two.” You know what’s great about this opening number? Much like staples and ex-girlfriends, this song never quite leaves your head. It may recede, it may take some time off, it may take a trip to the Dairy Queen, suck on a Dilly Bar and return to your cranium but it will NEVER ever EVER EVER truly stop playing in your head. It’s only one line, so that’s not complicated: “Fondue for Two.” Over and over and over again. Fondue for Two. Fondue for Two. Maybe this is what Brittany’s brain sounds like!
Brittany S. Pierce, like so many nubile blonde teenagers before her, is venturing into the deep vaginal canals of YouTube to seek fame by dipping sticks into a warm hot bowl of fondue and gossiping. After Tina tells us her boyfriend has a big penis, Brittany drops that Santana “plays for the other team,” which is a rumor she can 100% verify is true.
Mercedes and Tina are shocked — not shocked enough to follow up in the next scene or possibly ever again on this show — but shocked nonetheless.
Rachel gives Sam chapstick and asks him to prom and he says no. I feel sad.
Sue Sylvester has a plan which I can’t really listen to, my head is like a Samurai warrior situation flicking its wand back and forth around David Bowie (who is queer and I love) and Ann Coulter (whose fingers I’d like to stick in a lawnmower) and Jane Lynch, who is very tall and also gay. Anyway does it really matter what she’s talking about? No, she’s Lex Luthor, every week she’ll just try again. It’s a thing Sue’s gonna do to get rid of Will. Surprise!
Guess who’s in this episode? Our best friend forever, Kristin Chenoweth!
Sue’s reviving the school newspaper, The Mudracker. Their motto is, “if you’ve heard it, it’s probably true,” so everyone’s talking super-loud so we can hear everything. Finn thinks Rachel’s talking about Quinn being trapped in a closet R-Kelly style when she freaks out but no, that’s Santana trapped in a closet.
Again — nobody cares. All he cares about is what Rachel tells him next!
Quinn is having secret MOTEL activities with Sam in the motel right by the Cracker Barrel? I’m not 100% positive that Sam is staying at the Travelodge in Lima — and let’s be real, he’s probs not, because it would be way more expensive than a house, but just for the purposes of getting back to the theme of this show, which is The Cracker Barrel, I’ve made this map for you:
Once inside the classroom, Santana’s a bat out of hell in an interesting shirt-like thing, barking at Brittany for saying Santana played for the other team on her “melted cheese show,” but Brittany insists it was the Cheerios –> Glee, not Men —> Lezbos.”You couldn’t have thought of any another way to say that?” Santana yells. What do you think Brittany is, Santana, some kind of Thesaurus?
Santana’s like a sexy farmgirl and Brittany’s like a sexy grandmother or something. Again — note that nobody in the room really gives a shit if Santana’s a fuckin’ lesbo because this is Generation Me, and they can’t stop thinking about themselves long enough to even consider homophobia.
Baby, it’s cold outside but it’s warm up in this room (because of the fire), where Will and K-Chen are talking nonsense which eventually leads to Will’s Big Theme — they’ll all do songs from the Fleetwood Mac album “Rumours.” And who better to go first than Will and his lady-of-the-week?
Sidenote: This dude gets a lot of play.
Hey remember the last time they did Fleetwood Mac? Of course you do. You watched that episode like 10,000 times, you GIANT LESBO.
Artie confronts Brittany about bumping clams with Santana, but Brittany explains that it’s not cheating, it’s just talking with your tongues really close. Artie’s like “can’t you see she’s manipulating you?” Artie Artie Artie! If anyone noticed anyone else manipulating someone else on this show ever, the show’s foundation would crumble like a gingerbread house in a thunderstorm. (Which happens more than you’d think).
Artie’s unhappy — it’s crazy enough that she’s dating him in the first place (PREACH!) because his legs don’t work and her legs are buns/thighs/calves of steel and she’s so pretty (or because he’s been a misogynistic jerk sometimes). I f Santana is providing anything for her that he can’t (TRIBADISM) then he will probably die of an anxiety attack just thinking about it so it’s better he wheel himself off into the distance, bringing his haircut and the various Scenic Landscapes expressed in his knitwear back out onto the open market, where he can breathe freely.
When Artie starts talking about her having any other love in her head I start to feel itchy and I think it’s because this is the longest line Artie’s ever had. I mean he just keeps talking. And then when Brittany says everyone thinks Santana is a bad person but she’s not, Artie, ALWAYS THE GENTLEMAN, goes “God, Brittany, why are you so stupid?”
Dick Move, Dick! Look at what you did to Heather Morris’s face!
You guys, amazing, right? Brittany and Arite have broken up, which means the road to and inside of Brittany is wide open for some hot grease lightning, let’s get this show on the road!
But first, Artie’s getting emo singing Fleetwood Mac, looking Dustin Hoffman in the first scene of The Graduate, followed by a large gaggle of boys playing guitars like the Pied Piper of Dumpsville. There are too many guitars in this song.
More importantly, Brittany must turn to Santana in her time of need. Luckily Brittany’s skirt is so short that they could probably consumate the relationship with a two second flick of the wrist, but look at Santana being all cute and friendly towards her sad friend.
Meanwhile, the young bird-like children are hunting for rabbits in the wilderness of Witch Mountain.
It’s like Olivia and Elliot doing surveillance on a suspected serial rapist. I hope nobody contaminates the DNA evidence and nobody involved has links to Elliot’s daughter on headbook.com.. Rachel and Finn have used their Spidey Sense to find the motel where Sam’s hiding out from the Mafia, the FBI or — OH WAIT HOLD THE PHONES — the GAY MAFIA?
Okay — time out! Please let me know if you also called the outcome of this motel situation subplot from the beginning. You guys motels aren’t just for sex, they’re also for sleeping and watching teevee and drawing pictures in the Bible and hoarding remainders of that day’s Continental Breakfast for later. Because it’s always time for muffins.
Where are these kids, some kind of coffee shop? Seriously this looks like a set from another show. I wish Finn and Aiden from South of Nowhere could be girlfriends, because they are two of my favorite lesbians.
The Gossip Girls have a meeting to go over last week’s rumours and make projections for the remainder of this week. Quinn assures the group that Sam isn’t gay — she knows. You know? She KNOWS. How does she know? Who knows? Rachel mentions that they’ve all tonsil hockeyed the hell out of each other’s units, dropping some internet “shipper” lingo in the process that I’m sure delighted the tumblrs of those monikers on Tuesday night.
Rachel: Look at all the combinations we’ve had. Finnchel, Puckelberry-
Tina: McTina Cohen Chang-Chang
Have you noticed that nobody thus far in the episode cares who is gay and who isn’t? All that matters is who is attached to whom else and who might want to break that up. Like the only reason they care about Sam being gay is if that means Kurt is cheating on Blaine, the rest of it is just whatever. What I’m telling you, Santana, is that THE COAST IS CLEAR.
Brittany’s a sad panda, and when Brittany’s a sad panda, everyone’s a sad panda because Brittany can only really be Brittany when she’s dancing. Santana’s already scaled Landslide’s emotional mountain and now is prepared to go even deeper into the Fleetwood Mac cannon to express her feelings for Brittany — her private feelings.
Brittany: What about him? [pointing at the piano guy]
Santana: He’s just furntiure. [to the guy] Sorry, no offense.