Hello my little muffin hellcats, it’s time to recap that show you saw on Tuesday! I was gonna post this recap on Tuesday but then I was like, “what’s the point, they JUST saw it, they probably still remember what happened!” and thought I’d wait a few days to really extend the pleasure of your Glee experience, like chewing a really badass piece of gum.
Wow, so! Jeez. The 70s, right? Christ. Well — not Christ. Who needs Christ when you have free love and LSD and Fleetwood Mac? That’s the lesson we learn this week on Glee, except without the LSD.
Glee’s a hit-or-miss show these days but this episode was the kind we don’t see much. For starters, the weekly Guest-Star-Who-Has-Sexual-Tension-With-Will, Kristin Chenoweth, didn’t overshadow the action. Her song was well-chosen and, despite the fact that I had to look at Will’s face for more than two minutes because her face was so close to his face and I wanted to see her sing, well-done. The songs, all from the Fleetwood Mac “Rumours” album (excellent to listen to while driving from Michigan to Lima, Ohio, to eat at The Cracker Barrel), served to advance plot and expose the individual characters’ emotional journeys. Until the last number, when I mean what is this Zoobilie Zoo, nothing was too hokey.
It’s actually been monumentally challenging for me to recap this episode because it wasn’t weird and Jenny Schecter wasn’t in it. I just don’t know why they dumped his body in the fucking OCEAN.
We open with the My Barbie Funhouse themesong to “Fondue for Two.” You know what’s great about this opening number? Much like staples and ex-girlfriends, this song never quite leaves your head. It may recede, it may take some time off, it may take a trip to the Dairy Queen, suck on a Dilly Bar and return to your cranium but it will NEVER ever EVER EVER truly stop playing in your head. It’s only one line, so that’s not complicated: “Fondue for Two.” Over and over and over again. Fondue for Two. Fondue for Two. Maybe this is what Brittany’s brain sounds like!
Brittany S. Pierce, like so many nubile blonde teenagers before her, is venturing into the deep vaginal canals of YouTube to seek fame by dipping sticks into a warm hot bowl of fondue and gossiping. After Tina tells us her boyfriend has a big penis, Brittany drops that Santana “plays for the other team,” which is a rumor she can 100% verify is true.
Mercedes and Tina are shocked — not shocked enough to follow up in the next scene or possibly ever again on this show — but shocked nonetheless.
Rachel gives Sam chapstick and asks him to prom and he says no. I feel sad.
Sue Sylvester has a plan which I can’t really listen to, my head is like a Samurai warrior situation flicking its wand back and forth around David Bowie (who is queer and I love) and Ann Coulter (whose fingers I’d like to stick in a lawnmower) and Jane Lynch, who is very tall and also gay. Anyway does it really matter what she’s talking about? No, she’s Lex Luthor, every week she’ll just try again. It’s a thing Sue’s gonna do to get rid of Will. Surprise!
Guess who’s in this episode? Our best friend forever, Kristin Chenoweth!
Sue’s reviving the school newspaper, The Mudracker. Their motto is, “if you’ve heard it, it’s probably true,” so everyone’s talking super-loud so we can hear everything. Finn thinks Rachel’s talking about Quinn being trapped in a closet R-Kelly style when she freaks out but no, that’s Santana trapped in a closet.
Again — nobody cares. All he cares about is what Rachel tells him next!
Quinn is having secret MOTEL activities with Sam in the motel right by the Cracker Barrel? I’m not 100% positive that Sam is staying at the Travelodge in Lima — and let’s be real, he’s probs not, because it would be way more expensive than a house, but just for the purposes of getting back to the theme of this show, which is The Cracker Barrel, I’ve made this map for you:
Once inside the classroom, Santana’s a bat out of hell in an interesting shirt-like thing, barking at Brittany for saying Santana played for the other team on her “melted cheese show,” but Brittany insists it was the Cheerios –> Glee, not Men —> Lezbos.”You couldn’t have thought of any another way to say that?” Santana yells. What do you think Brittany is, Santana, some kind of Thesaurus?
Santana’s like a sexy farmgirl and Brittany’s like a sexy grandmother or something. Again — note that nobody in the room really gives a shit if Santana’s a fuckin’ lesbo because this is Generation Me, and they can’t stop thinking about themselves long enough to even consider homophobia.
Baby, it’s cold outside but it’s warm up in this room (because of the fire), where Will and K-Chen are talking nonsense which eventually leads to Will’s Big Theme — they’ll all do songs from the Fleetwood Mac album “Rumours.” And who better to go first than Will and his lady-of-the-week?
Sidenote: This dude gets a lot of play.
Hey remember the last time they did Fleetwood Mac? Of course you do. You watched that episode like 10,000 times, you GIANT LESBO.
Artie confronts Brittany about bumping clams with Santana, but Brittany explains that it’s not cheating, it’s just talking with your tongues really close. Artie’s like “can’t you see she’s manipulating you?” Artie Artie Artie! If anyone noticed anyone else manipulating someone else on this show ever, the show’s foundation would crumble like a gingerbread house in a thunderstorm. (Which happens more than you’d think).
Artie’s unhappy — it’s crazy enough that she’s dating him in the first place (PREACH!) because his legs don’t work and her legs are buns/thighs/calves of steel and she’s so pretty (or because he’s been a misogynistic jerk sometimes). I f Santana is providing anything for her that he can’t (TRIBADISM) then he will probably die of an anxiety attack just thinking about it so it’s better he wheel himself off into the distance, bringing his haircut and the various Scenic Landscapes expressed in his knitwear back out onto the open market, where he can breathe freely.
When Artie starts talking about her having any other love in her head I start to feel itchy and I think it’s because this is the longest line Artie’s ever had. I mean he just keeps talking. And then when Brittany says everyone thinks Santana is a bad person but she’s not, Artie, ALWAYS THE GENTLEMAN, goes “God, Brittany, why are you so stupid?”
Dick Move, Dick! Look at what you did to Heather Morris’s face!
You guys, amazing, right? Brittany and Arite have broken up, which means the road to and inside of Brittany is wide open for some hot grease lightning, let’s get this show on the road!
But first, Artie’s getting emo singing Fleetwood Mac, looking Dustin Hoffman in the first scene of The Graduate, followed by a large gaggle of boys playing guitars like the Pied Piper of Dumpsville. There are too many guitars in this song.
More importantly, Brittany must turn to Santana in her time of need. Luckily Brittany’s skirt is so short that they could probably consumate the relationship with a two second flick of the wrist, but look at Santana being all cute and friendly towards her sad friend.
Meanwhile, the young bird-like children are hunting for rabbits in the wilderness of Witch Mountain.
It’s like Olivia and Elliot doing surveillance on a suspected serial rapist. I hope nobody contaminates the DNA evidence and nobody involved has links to Elliot’s daughter on headbook.com.. Rachel and Finn have used their Spidey Sense to find the motel where Sam’s hiding out from the Mafia, the FBI or — OH WAIT HOLD THE PHONES — the GAY MAFIA?
Okay — time out! Please let me know if you also called the outcome of this motel situation subplot from the beginning. You guys motels aren’t just for sex, they’re also for sleeping and watching teevee and drawing pictures in the Bible and hoarding remainders of that day’s Continental Breakfast for later. Because it’s always time for muffins.
Where are these kids, some kind of coffee shop? Seriously this looks like a set from another show. I wish Finn and Aiden from South of Nowhere could be girlfriends, because they are two of my favorite lesbians.
The Gossip Girls have a meeting to go over last week’s rumours and make projections for the remainder of this week. Quinn assures the group that Sam isn’t gay — she knows. You know? She KNOWS. How does she know? Who knows? Rachel mentions that they’ve all tonsil hockeyed the hell out of each other’s units, dropping some internet “shipper” lingo in the process that I’m sure delighted the tumblrs of those monikers on Tuesday night.
Rachel: Look at all the combinations we’ve had. Finnchel, Puckelberry-
Tina: McTina Cohen Chang-Chang
Have you noticed that nobody thus far in the episode cares who is gay and who isn’t? All that matters is who is attached to whom else and who might want to break that up. Like the only reason they care about Sam being gay is if that means Kurt is cheating on Blaine, the rest of it is just whatever. What I’m telling you, Santana, is that THE COAST IS CLEAR.
Brittany’s a sad panda, and when Brittany’s a sad panda, everyone’s a sad panda because Brittany can only really be Brittany when she’s dancing. Santana’s already scaled Landslide’s emotional mountain and now is prepared to go even deeper into the Fleetwood Mac cannon to express her feelings for Brittany — her private feelings.
Brittany: What about him? [pointing at the piano guy]
Santana: He’s just furntiure. [to the guy] Sorry, no offense.
Is this the first time anyone’s talked to the piano man? Anyhow, cumquats, then Santana commenced to sing a song to her lady-love, singing “I know it’s right” with a humble determination we rarely see in Santana. Although every move seems almost Brittany-style muted, the subtle resigned shrug on “I love you, I love you, I love you, like never before,” says it all. It’s a really sad beautiful moment, and nobody is even really wearing an outfit I can make fun of, except the furniture.
“And I love you, I love you, I love you, like never before. And I wish you all the love in the world, but most of all, I wish it from myself.”
As you can see here, Brittany wants to make out with Santana, and Santana wants to make out with Brittany. It’s not cheating because everyone is single.
Brittany: Why couldn’t you sing that to me in front of everyone, now that Artie and I aren’t together?
Santana: No, no, not yet — I’m not ready for that type of public announcement. Ever since that Muckracker thing, people have already started treating me differently. I got asked to join the golf team.
Just as she said when she first told Brittany how she felt, Santana isn’t worried about things people might say to her face, but the things they might say behind her back that she’ll never know about. Because so far? Nobody’s really given a shit!! This could be because she’s terrifying as an enemy, but regardless, everyone in Glee Club read the Muckraker and so far… so good?
Brittany: “Well, what if I went first? Come on Fondue for Two. I’ll ask you out to prom and tell you how I feel, and all you have to do is say yes.”
Yeah no she’s not gonna go on the show.
Rachel sees Sam striding down the Hallway in a sort of hemp-throwback jacket from The Crow and Rachel recognizes it because Kurt wore it last April, calling it an “Earth Day Jacket.” I feel like it looked better on Kurt, and I was about to say “It makes Sam look homeless,” but then I felt guilty, so I said it anyway, but also by adding that a clause explaining that I felt guilty while typing it.
Lea: Stop it. I’m begging you. Sam is cute, but he’s not worth losing Blaine over.
Kurt: Oh, how I’ve missed your insanity.
OH HOW I HAVE MISSED YOU KURT HUMMEL. Jesus Christ on a Cracker am I delighted that Kurt is back. Not just because he’d switched to an all-boys school and hello, boys — SNORE — but because now that he’s got a boyfriend and silenced the bully and gone back to the school he loves, he’s not being bitchy anymore. Just fucking brilliant.
Kurt: “You need to brush up on your Fleetwood Macology. When they made Rumours, they weren’t speaking to each other. Not even “pass the nondairy creamer.” They only spoke about the music. And it was that focus that allowed them to make their masterpiece.”
Rachel: “You’re deflecting.”
Kurt: “No, I’m being a team player, and any minute spent on this viscous, hurtful and hateful gossip is a minute taking away from preparing for Nationals.”
As far as I can remember, they haven’t done anything for Nationals besides call everything they happen to do “preparing for Nationals.” Because you know at Nationals they’re gonna sing something you’ve never heard before. Does anyone else think that part of the show never got less weird?
Finn’s not sure why Quinn seemed “so sure” about Sam not being gay, Rachel points out that they did date, and you know, Quinn is a girl and Sam is a boy, so that’s pretty suggestive. Finn, because he’s a raging lesbian feelingsmonster, laments that Quinn’s so protective of her feelings and Rachel says that girls like Quinn do that “to keep their power.” Finn says “you never did that,” and yes, indeed. That’s why Rachel lost her power and is now sitting with you in a pick-up truck like Nancy Fucking Drew.
Stakeout Night #2 finds Sam and Quinn outside the motel room — Sam puts his arms around her, Quinn leans in and puts her arms around him, turning her head slightly so her chin is right at Sam’s left shoulder. You know what that’s called, don’t you? A HUG.
A Fleetwood Mac song I really like plays at the end so I stop bashing my head against the wall at the inanity of this subplot in order to hear it.
Following a breakup it’s always beneficial to be as busy as possible, leaving less time to cry in the shower or stare at your eyes in the mirror after crying in the shower, waiting for them to settle the fuck down so you can go out, get drunk and sleep with a stranger.
Brittan’s writing for The Muckracker. She’s a budding journalist. Will’s delighted to participate in this interview, because he’s cheesy and probably wants to talk about his favorite color and how much he loves musical theater and what five albums he’d bring to a desert island.
Brittany explains she joined to learn how to ask more “hard-hitting questions” on Fondue for Two, because the comments on her video said her questions were too gossipy. Huh. I was expecting “i also cliked because i thought lezbos would be making out..oOooo wut” or “COME ON LEZBO START MUNCHING RUGS ALREADY!!!!”
Back at the Muckraker meeting, Sue’s encouraging her minions to just start making stuff up, which is also what I’m gonna have to do if Hulu doesn’t stop freezing.
Finn and Quinn do “Walking on down the line.” Quinn’s got this sexy-confident bitchy thing going on, and Finn has this sort of Shrek Face thing going on, like he’s not entirely sure he’s singing the right words and also has blue balls. Or whatever the lesbian-equivalent of blue balls is.
Everyone looks at each other awkwardly like they also don’t wanna know why Quinn and Finn’s love keeps on walking down the line, episode after episode, when again, we could be watching Santana and Brittany make out.
Quinn gets her claws out and calls Rachel out for dissing their harmonies in favor of Her Harmonies with Finn because she’s trying to break them up so that she can take Finn for a ride. Everyone fights a lot. I feel like however this turns out though, we’re all gonna be okay. You know?
On the set of Fondue For Two, Brittany is wearing a questionable sweater and interviewing her cat because the girl she likes texted to back out at the last minute. This scene is so lesbian-y I expected it to come to life as an Indigo Girls song.
Guess what? Turns out that Brittany’s cat has been smoking again. Seriously. Also, she has a Brittany doll. Who’s filming all this by the way? Is anyone else weirded out by the squirrel?
Rachel’s gonna put a “feminine twist” on “Go Your Own Way.” The twist? She’s a female, singing “Go Your Own Way.” I know. BRILL-YANT. The song is fun, everyone gets super excited, especially Finn flexing his fisting muscles on those drumsticks.
Everyone fights again and they all look like big assholes when Sam reveals his Dad lost his job and he’s living in the motel. Then all the gossip girls feel like bitches and I can’t hear anything because I’m screaming I TOLD YOU DUH so loud to Tinkerbell she almost goes her own way. With a canine twist, that is.
Finn & Rachel’s makeup trip to the Motel of Love, which I assume was preceded by making bread pudding together and licking sugar off each other’s noses, brings two tiny human children into the show — Sam’s siblings.
Sam says his Dad has been out looking for work — possibly at The Cracker Barrel, I can only assume (the wait times are always so long, they probably need more people) — who crawl all over Sam who is so happy that the benevolent bourgeois have bestowed a new guitar upon him.
Probably they stole it from Artie’s number earlier, but it’s better to think that Finn and Rachel actually went to a pawn shop together and didn’t get guns up their asses.
You know, every time this guy shows up on my screen, I know something unpleasant is about to happen. This time, it’s Santana coldly confirming the ongoing splendor of her relationship with Kartofsky who’s name I’ve already forgotten how to spell again, as Brittany looks on heartbroken from the locker area.
But if she’s only running for Prom Queen to get Brit-Brit to be her girlfriend, and now Brit-Brit wants to be her girlfriend, why is she still running for Prom Queen and not being Brittany’s girlfriend? I’m sure you’ll all have plenty of psychological excuses but I just think they should be together. Maybe have a fried chicken baby, maybe open a little lesbian teashop/bookstore, maybe start scuba diving with the autostraddle commenter “diver.” But instead. Instead of all of those things! Santana is wearing a doilie and Brittany is wearing wrapping paper and if you stuck ’em together, it’d be Valentine’s Day.
Doesn’t that mean anything to you people?
This next scene is pretty gay. It’s actually the sequel to Fondue for Two, everything’s super cheesy and I feel like People could just take a photo of this room and it’d be done with its Worst Dressed issue.
It’s like The Country Bear Jamboree!
I feel like this is a musical called “Gaylord’s Thanksgiving Picnic.” Who knows where these ideas come from. They just appear. Seriously Quinn’s dress is the cutest, and it’s a paper gown she stole from the gynecologist last time she stopped by for her Ortho-Tri-Cyclen.
At the end of the episode:
– Brittany and Santana are not together
– Finn is still a lesbian
– Brittany and Artie are not together
– Kneesocks are a thing?
Before you go! It takes funding to keep this publication by and for queer women and trans people of all genders running every day. And A+ members keep the majority of our site free for everyone. Still, 99.9% of our readers are not members. A+ membership starts at just $4/month. If you’re able to, will you join A+ and keep Autostraddle here and working for everyone?