Glee 219 Recap: Rumours are Super

Jee, i wish santana and brittany would fall in love and inspire teenagers to start more tumblrs

Is this the first time anyone’s talked to the piano man? Anyhow, cumquats, then Santana commenced to sing a song to her lady-love, singing “I know it’s right” with a humble determination we rarely see in Santana. Although every move seems almost Brittany-style muted, the subtle resigned shrug on “I love you, I love you, I love you, like never before,” says it all. It’s a really sad beautiful moment, and nobody is even really wearing an outfit I can make fun of, except the furniture.

“And I love you, I love you, I love you, like never before. And I wish you all the love in the world, but most of all, I wish it from myself.”

As you can see here, Brittany wants to make out with Santana, and Santana wants to make out with Brittany. It’s not cheating because everyone is single.

Brittany: Why couldn’t you sing that to me in front of everyone, now that Artie and I aren’t together?
Santana: No, no, not yet — I’m not ready for that type of public announcement. Ever since that Muckracker thing, people have already started treating me differently. I got asked to join the golf team.

Just as she said when she first told Brittany how she felt, Santana isn’t worried about things people might say to her face, but the things they might say behind her back that she’ll never know about. Because so far? Nobody’s really given a shit!! This could be because she’s terrifying as an enemy, but regardless, everyone in Glee Club read the Muckraker and so far… so good?

Brittany: “Well, what if I went first? Come on Fondue for Two.  I’ll ask you out to prom and tell you how I feel, and all you have to do is say yes.”
Santana: “Okay.”

Yeah no she’s not gonna go on the show.

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Rachel sees Sam striding down the Hallway in a sort of hemp-throwback jacket from The Crow and Rachel recognizes it because Kurt wore it last April, calling it an “Earth Day Jacket.” I feel like it looked better on Kurt, and I was about to say “It makes Sam look homeless,” but then I felt guilty, so I said it anyway, but also by adding that a clause explaining that I felt guilty while typing it.

Lea: Stop it. I’m begging you. Sam is cute, but he’s not worth losing Blaine over.
Kurt: Oh, how I’ve missed your insanity.

OH HOW I HAVE MISSED YOU KURT HUMMEL. Jesus Christ on a Cracker am I delighted that Kurt is back. Not just because he’d switched to an all-boys school and hello, boys — SNORE — but because now that he’s got a boyfriend and silenced the bully and gone back to the school he loves, he’s not being bitchy anymore. Just fucking brilliant.

Kurt: “You need to brush up on your Fleetwood Macology. When they made Rumours, they weren’t speaking to each other. Not even “pass the nondairy creamer.” They only spoke about the music. And it was that focus that allowed them to make their masterpiece.”

Rachel: “You’re deflecting.”

Kurt: “No, I’m being a team player, and any minute spent on this viscous, hurtful and hateful gossip is a minute taking away from preparing for Nationals.”

As far as I can remember, they haven’t done anything for Nationals besides call everything they happen to do “preparing for Nationals.” Because you know at Nationals they’re gonna sing something you’ve never heard before. Does anyone else think that part of the show never got less weird?

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Finn’s not sure why Quinn seemed “so sure” about Sam not being gay, Rachel points out that they did date, and you know, Quinn is a girl and Sam is a boy, so that’s pretty suggestive. Finn, because he’s a raging lesbian feelingsmonster, laments that Quinn’s so protective of her feelings and Rachel says that girls like Quinn do that “to keep their power.” Finn says “you never did that,” and yes, indeed. That’s why Rachel lost her power and is now sitting with you in a pick-up truck like Nancy Fucking Drew.

Stakeout Night #2 finds Sam and Quinn outside the motel room — Sam puts his arms around her, Quinn leans in and puts her arms around him, turning her head slightly so her chin is right at Sam’s left shoulder. You know what that’s called, don’t you? A HUG.

A Fleetwood Mac song I really like plays at the end so I stop bashing my head against the wall at the inanity of this subplot in order to hear it.

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Following a breakup it’s always beneficial to be as busy as possible, leaving less time to cry in the shower or stare at your eyes in the mirror after crying in the shower, waiting for them to settle the fuck down so you can go out, get drunk and sleep with a stranger.

Brittan’s writing for The Muckracker. She’s a budding journalist. Will’s delighted to participate in this interview, because he’s cheesy and probably wants to talk about his favorite color and how much he loves musical theater and what five albums he’d bring to a desert island.

Brittany explains she joined to learn how to ask more “hard-hitting questions” on Fondue for Two, because the comments on her video said her questions were too gossipy. Huh. I was expecting “i also cliked because i thought lezbos would be making out..oOooo wut” or “COME ON LEZBO START MUNCHING RUGS ALREADY!!!!”

Back at the Muckraker meeting, Sue’s encouraging her minions to just start making stuff up, which is also what I’m gonna have to do if Hulu doesn’t stop freezing.

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Finn and Quinn do “Walking on down the line.” Quinn’s got this sexy-confident bitchy thing going on, and Finn has this sort of Shrek Face thing going on, like he’s not entirely sure he’s singing the right words and also has blue balls. Or whatever the lesbian-equivalent of blue balls is.


Everyone looks at each other awkwardly like they also don’t wanna know why Quinn and Finn’s love keeps on walking down the line, episode after episode, when again, we could be watching Santana and Brittany make out.

Quinn gets her claws out and calls Rachel out for dissing their harmonies in favor of Her Harmonies with Finn because she’s trying to break them up so that she can take Finn for a ride. Everyone fights a lot. I feel like however this turns out though, we’re all gonna be okay. You know?

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On the set of Fondue For Two, Brittany is wearing a questionable sweater and interviewing her cat because the girl she likes texted to back out at the last minute. This scene is so lesbian-y I expected it to come to life as an Indigo Girls song.

Guess what? Turns out that Brittany’s cat has been smoking again. Seriously. Also, she has a Brittany doll. Who’s filming all this by the way? Is anyone else weirded out by the squirrel?

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Rachel’s gonna put a “feminine twist” on “Go Your Own Way.” The twist? She’s a female, singing “Go Your Own Way.” I know. BRILL-YANT. The song is fun, everyone gets super excited, especially Finn flexing his fisting muscles on those drumsticks.

Everyone fights again and they all look like big assholes when Sam reveals his Dad lost his job and he’s living in the motel. Then all the gossip girls feel like bitches and I can’t hear anything because I’m screaming I TOLD YOU DUH so loud to Tinkerbell she almost goes her own way. With a canine twist, that is.

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Finn & Rachel’s makeup trip to the Motel of Love, which I assume was preceded by making bread pudding together and licking sugar off each other’s noses, brings two tiny human children into the show — Sam’s siblings.

Sam says his Dad has been out looking for work — possibly at The Cracker Barrel, I can only assume (the wait times are always so long, they probably need more people) — who crawl all over Sam who is so happy that the benevolent bourgeois have bestowed a new guitar upon him.

Probably they stole it from Artie’s number earlier, but it’s better to think that Finn and Rachel actually went to a pawn shop together and didn’t get guns up their asses.

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good thing he's got that press pass

You know, every time this guy shows up on my screen, I know something unpleasant is about to happen. This time, it’s Santana coldly confirming the ongoing splendor of her relationship with Kartofsky who’s name I’ve already forgotten how to spell again, as Brittany looks on heartbroken from the locker area.

But if she’s only running for Prom Queen to get Brit-Brit to be her girlfriend, and now Brit-Brit wants to be her girlfriend, why is she still running for Prom Queen and not being Brittany’s girlfriend? I’m sure you’ll all have plenty of psychological excuses but I just think they should be together. Maybe have a fried chicken baby, maybe open a little lesbian teashop/bookstore, maybe start scuba diving with the autostraddle commenter “diver.” But instead. Instead of all of those things! Santana is wearing a doilie and Brittany is wearing wrapping paper and if you stuck ’em together, it’d be Valentine’s Day.

Doesn’t that mean anything to you people?

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This next scene is pretty gay. It’s actually the sequel to Fondue for Two, everything’s super cheesy and I feel like People could just take a photo of this room and it’d be done with its Worst Dressed issue.

It’s like The Country Bear Jamboree!

I feel like this is a musical called “Gaylord’s Thanksgiving Picnic.” Who knows where these ideas come from. They just appear. Seriously Quinn’s dress is the cutest, and it’s a paper gown she stole from the gynecologist last time she stopped by for her Ortho-Tri-Cyclen.

CAPTAIN PLANET

At the end of the episode:

– Brittany and Santana are not together

– Finn is still a lesbian

– Brittany and Artie are not together

– Kneesocks are a thing?

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Riese is the 39-year-old Co-Founder and CEO of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 2861 articles for us.

109 Comments

  1. “The song is fun, everyone gets super excited, especially Finn flexing his fisting muscles on those drumsticks.”
    i choked on my hot cocoa when i read that. finn is more of a lesbian than any of us, WHICH IS SAYING A WHOLE LOT.

    furthermore, i want a tumblr to be devoted to mctina cohen-chang chang. hell, i just want to hear someone seriously use that phrase in a sentence again.

      • Oh, and one last feeling – I get why Santana might be worried about her group of friends finding out. I knew that most of my friends would be okay with my queerness, but I held back for a *long* time. To be honest, I’m not quite sure why.

        • oh yeah i agree — i’m just noting that it’s an interesting choice from the writers — how everyone is reacting to gayness as a non-issue and far less important than other potential secrets.

          • Well, I think the particular little group that it’s in New Directions is accepting of homosexuality, because they all love Kurt so much. But that doesn’t mean the rest of the school is, and that’s whose opinion Santana is worried about here.

          • Agreed. I didn’t come out until my early 20s, but I was a theatre major for eff’s sake. I had homos around me 24/7 so although I knew my peers would be cool with it, I knew my ultra Christian family and a large majority of my sorority friends would not be. Once you open those floodgates, there’s no coming back. And think of all the other ramifications. Dealing with becoming a second-class citizen overnight, discrimination in other aspects of your life and definitely the whispers behind your back. It doesn’t matter how open-minded your friends are, you have to be in the right frame of mind and secure with who you are before coming out, period. She’s not ready to deal with it yet, which is understandable. Santana’s obvs way more insecure than one would think since she’s SO concerned with how other people perceive her so she’s gotta make peace with that. I personally think it’s kinda weird that she’s so gung-ho about telling Brit Brit how she feels. I would think she’d keep some of those feelings to herself if she’s not ready to deal with the gayness yet, but to each her own. I respect that balls to the wall attitude and when she comes out, it’s gonna be guns a’blazin.

            That being said, when are they just gonna MAKEOUT ALREADY? Shit.

  2. YYAAYY!! Thanks for putting this up so I had something to read while attempting to make it blatantly obvious to my roommate and her boyfriend that I was awake by typing loudly on the computer so that they would stop hooking up 10ft away from me!

    Seriously though, they should have Fondue for Two every week. I would watch it religiously.

  3. I hope that after Santana sang to Brittany some serious scissoring went on. But really, I thought they would show them kissing.

    Also, I did not know Lima was a real place outside of Peru! Thanks for the education.

  4. I have grave concerns about this episode.

    While Glee is exemplary in highlighting the pressures on modern queer teens, I am starting to suspect it is inadvertently escalating those pressures.

    It all started with Landslide a few episodes back. What seemed like a great advertisement for serenading your crush with heartfelt ballads has now transformed into mandatory renditions of the entire Fleetwood Mac discography just to get to first base.

    Back in the day, you could win a girl’s affections with a smile or a joke, just being in possession of a pair of boobs, or even merely being horizontal in the right place at the right time.

    You saw the anguished expression on Santana’s face when she was being interviewed about the fake Karofsky stories? Those pained looks she was shooting Brittany? That was pure, abject terror because she realised the only Fleetwood Mac song that hadn’t been done yet was Albatross and she had no fucking clue what to do with that.

    Also, I can’t get behind the whole Brittana thing. Seriously, is the emphasis on the “brit” or the “ana?” I cannot support something I don’t know how to pronounce. Therefore, I shall begin campaigning for Lopierce. You know it makes sense.

  5. Thanks for the recap. And I actually like that it goes up ‘late’ (w/e) because it gives me something to look forward to. SUCH a grueling week..

    Tbh, though, I kind of prefer it when you just talk about the show (feelings, WTFs!, etc). I’m really into other peoples’ opinions. And stuff.

    But still. Glee! And wtf, Artie? Are you the Mr. Shue of sweater vests? I’m finding it distracting.

  6. Regarding the question of my favorite recap line, it’s a death match between:

    “Meanwhile, the young bird-like children are hunting for rabbits in the wilderness of Witch Mountain.”

    and

    “It’s like The Country Bear Jamboree!”

    With those overalls, Santana’s a lot closer to eating jicama than she may think.

  7. I find it strange that Santana is dead set against everyone knowing she’s gay, but will happily wear dungarees, which are surely the most lesbian trousers after long combat shorts?

    I believe this is deeply symbolic of her ongoing confusion.

  8. Riese, I agree entirely with your feelings w/r/t “why on earth can’t brittana just happen already?!”

    And no. Kneesocks are not a thing; just like full-length plaid pants, they are not okay unless your age is still a single-digit number.

  9. brittana would totally happen if 3/4 of the show wasnt involving the stupid finn-quinn-rachel triangle of EVERY EPISODE. i dont even understand how anyone can still give a fuck at all about that, its just ridiculous. can they just rock-paper-scissors it and then alternate weeks or something? fuck.

    …haha scissors.

  10. Love your recaps Riese! They’re Scribegrrl amazing! Love them! Cannot wait for the prom episode and YOUR recap! Never wait to post! I only process with your recaps! :D :D

  11. I should know by now not to read these at work. My co-workers probably think I’m crazy because I sit here biting on my finger & trying not to LOL.

    I can only come up with two explanations for Santana’s overalls – either she’s trying to figure out how a lesbian is supposed to dress, or she’s behind on her laundry and that’s all she had left. Because really – two pairs of overalls in one week? Santana, your gay is showing.

    I’m also convinced the costume dept owns stock in an ugly sweater company because these kids wear an awful lot of damn ugly sweaters.

  12. So, when Brittana happens, that will mean that all (okay, both) high-profile gay ladycouples on TV will be Latina/blond. Is there some secret rule about this? Was Shane secretly blond? Was Carmen was secretly dating Alice? Where are the gaysians? So many questions.

  13. Brittany has to be really careful with Santana and I think someone should sit her down and explain to her that Santana could’ve done something drastic. She didn’t of course, but we all know how scared she is about being outed and I don’t buy Brittany’s explanation that she was talking about her leaving the Cheerios.

    Hey Riese, if Hulu is giving you trouble why don’t you stream the episode on the Fox Glee site? It’s free and available the day after the episode for 4 weeks after the episode. Or is that upload date on the Fox site too late for you? Cause I’ve had no trouble with it.

    • it’s not a hulu problem, it’s a “my internet” problem. that being said, hulu won’t let me pause it for more than a minute without going mute for the rest of the episode, so i’ll try that next week.

  14. i liked this episode. i particularly liked the parts where brittany and artie break up (i didn’t like seeing brittany cry, but i thought heather morris did a good acting job) and then santana sang her a love song and poked her on the nose.

    i didn’t like the parts where santana canceled on brittany and they didn’t make out.

    was there something else happening this episode?

  15. Diver needs to hurry up and comment so I can read the reaction to being name dropped. It still freaks me out when Riese talks about commenters cuz it’s like Zeus reaching down from the clouds and giving us ice cream. but better.

    also my cat keeps sitting on my computer as I read this I think she is attracted to lord tubbington? if my cat marries Brittany’s cat what does that make me?

  16. I love how Glee handled the love triangle this week! Even though I kind of hate this show now. At least there was Fleetwood Mac so I wasn’t fast-forwarding through the songs.

    I especially liked the scene between Artie and Brittany. Artie was genuinely afraid because Santana wanted to replace him as Brittany’s romantic interest, and he knew he couldn’t compete. And that’s as far as he, or anyone, really cared – except for Santana, who is dealing with the turmoil of being closeted. Rachel’s dismissal of Santana’s sexual orientation was genius. Not about Rachel, thus utterly unimportant. And… that’s really how things are in the world, most people are not going to give a damn. This is teaching valuable lessons to the baby gays.

    The last TV show I watched that had “character discovers bisexuality/lesbianism” was Grey’s Anatomy and they still had the interested male lead be all “Awwww yeah. Hot lesbians making out” and made the thing a ratings stunt. It seemed weirdly male-gaze oriented despite the show having an audience of probably 95% straight women. Thank god they’re not going down that road on Glee.

    It’s a nice injection of realism. When your girlfriend seems like she’s leaving you for someone else, it’s heartbreaking. Everyone involved in our little Artie-Brittany-Santana love triangle has complicated feelings and they’re horribly confused and unsure of what to do, just like real people! Nicely handled, Glee.

    • I feel like from another, less historically-misogynistic character, Artie’s lines could have read like “I want to be with you, and be monogamous with you, is it true that you are stepping out on me? That hurts, if you are.”

      But instead, it came across like, “I need you to be dependent on me because I am super insecure and think that the only way you will be my girlfriend is if I remove all your other options and you must rely on me for x y and z (presumably all your emotional and sexual desires and maybe all of your social interaction). Also, Santana is scheming and out to get me, me personally, because lolz, why would you have a lesbian fling / relationship except to exacerbate my manpain? BRB going to go hate myself some more and toxically take it out on you.”

      So, in short, yeah, you weren’t the only disturbed one.

  17. “Santana will probs sing ‘Songbird’. That’s my only prediction.” – my comment ala “Glee’s Santana Is A Confirmed Lesbian, Kurt & Blaine Do Prom” article.

    I TOTALLY CALLED IT YOU GUYS.

    i have some serious feelings w/r/t that song & while i do not watch glee – i quite like santana’s rendition of it.

  18. 1)Santana in overalls IS hot.
    2)Brittany being sad makes me sad.
    3)Santana being afraid makes me sad.
    4)Artie’s comment=asshat.
    5)Santana singing=good.
    (a)Santana singing a love song to Brittany=extra good.
    6)Some other stuff happened with other people that I don’t
    really care about.
    7)I’ll be pissed if something significant doesn’t happen
    for Santana and Brittany by the end of the season.

  19. 1. Am I the only one confused re: Sam’s siblings being blonde when we all know (as Kurt figured out first) that Sam is not a natural blonde?

    2. I totally spotted the bikini kill sticker too, I feel like it has secret meaning.

    3. Kurt was fab as always.

    4. I AM SO OVER QUINN RACHEL FINN LOVE TRIANGLE UGH.

    5. Lord Tubbington/Fondue for two ftmfw.

    6. Let’s get rid of Schue/Finn/Artie already please, fill in the gap with moar Brittana.

    • 1. I thought the only thing Sam is guilty of doing is bleaching his blond hair using lemon juice. That’s what he confessed to Quinn on their first date at Breadsticks, and that’s what Kurt accused Sam of doing. Sam’s probably a natural blond, but not necessarily the surfer look he was going for.

  20. this was such a good episode… but this shizz is like DAWSON’S CREEK TORTURE! JUST SCREW OR SCISSOR OR PAPER OR KNOCK ROCKS OR SOMETHING! C’MON HOT DANCER WITH A HEART OF GOLD AND AWESOME BITCH WITH A THING FOR DANCERS! LET’S GO! After that soulmate hug, a kiss would be appreciated!

    also, naya has a great voice.

    and does anyone else get the feeling from the preview of prom queen that Artie is gonna out Santana at the prom?

  21. You seem to be fond of Finn. No idea why.

    Fav lines from you:
    “You watched that episode like 10,000 times, you GIANT LESBO.”
    (Yes, yes I did. How am I this transparent?)
    “when we could just be watching Santana and Brittany make out.” (SERIOUSLY there are so many better things to do than Sam subplot)

    You’re hilarious.

  22. There were 99 comments, so I had to make it an even 100.

    Just to legitimize this comment, I don’t believe Santana is worried about what the glee club thinks, she’s worried about the rest of the school thinks, thus going back with Karofsky(?)and the relative safety of acting heterosexual.

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