LIVEBLOG: “Saved by the Bell,” the Unauthorized Totally Non-factual Lifetime Extravaganza

First of all fam, today is my birthday. I believe that Lifetime,  the network that prides itself on being “television for women,” decided to premiere The Unauthorized Saved by the Bell Movie at 9/8c as a birthday present to me. And because no good deed goes unpunished, my thank you to Lifetime is to sit on my behind in my homegirl’s crib and liveblog the hell out of this delicious bit of trashy television.

 

Maybe you have no idea what a Saved by the Bell is and that’s totally ok, I got you. In 1988, The Disney Channel aired the first episode of Good Morning, Miss Bliss which was a sitcom about the lives of a group of fresh faced junior high school kids. It was our first introduction to the characters Zack Morris (Mark-Paul Gosselaar), Samuel “Screech” Powers (Dustin Diamond), and Lisa Turtle (Lark Voorhies). The show also starred Hayley Mills in the title role of Miss Bliss. The Disney Channel only aired 13 episodes of Miss Bliss and then NBC bought the whole damn thing and repackaged it as a new show, our beloved Saved by the Bell. Zack, Screech, Lisa and their principal, Mr. Belding (Dennis Haskins) were the only characters transferred over from the original show.

Saved-by-the-Bell

From 1989 – 1993, Saved by the Bell aired in the United States and became one of the most cherished sitcoms in the entire world. (This is a fact based on the book of facts about the world that I wrote for myself, btw.) Saved by the Bell gave us Zack, Screech and Lisa but they also added Kelly Kapowski (Tiffani Amber Thiessen), Jessica Spano (Elizabeth Berkley), and A.C. Slater ( Mario Fucken Lopez). SO MUCH AMAZE. The show followed them as they navigated the crazy that comes from being in high school and existing in a 6-way best friendship.  If you’ve never watched, I don’t understand what, where did you, how are you… dimelo que?

Without Saved by the Bell, I woulda never known how to be a feminist and still have a macho boyfriend, nor would I have learned how to be so excited and so so scared at the same time. Without Saved by the Bell, we wouldn’t have Showgirls, America’s Next Best Dance Crew would have aired without Mario Lopez and his most perfect dimples in the world. We wouldn’t have a damn thing.

Lifetime nabbed Dustin Diamond’s book Behind the Bell and used it to twerk out this unauthorized account of the show. Dustin Diamond is all pissed off that the movie won’t be historically accurate. People are pointing fingers everywhere. But this is the whole point, like the reason people watch anything on Lifetime, the reason people watch dumb shit like Saved by the Bell: because it’s ridiculous and hilarious in how non-connected to reality any of it is. No one is going to watch for accuracy. Especially not me, I’m watching ’cause I want to laugh at bad blonde dye jobs, over-acted scenes, and I wanna see what kinds of imagined fuckery went on behind the scenes of Saved by the Bell.

New cast for the movie up top. TV show cast on the bottom.

New cast for the movie up top. TV show cast on the bottom.

So here we are; it’s all led up to this very night. Get ready for the liveblog of your dreams. Join me while I talk all of the shit and enjoy the last few hours of my birthday. Saved by the Bell forever.

 

9:01p: My homegirl, Mari, says “The one that looks the most busted is Slater. Oh shit look at all them crazy ass little white girls.”

9:02p: What’s really good with Zack’s helmet of talk show host hair? Looking like a busted wave cap and a helmet. TIME OUT EVERYONE.

9:03p: We got the beat and a timeout. Why would they set a show in Indiana? Look at very serious looking white people making a show about American teens. All smiles. EVIL.

9:05p: Oh snap, y’all just saw Zack and Lisa looking at each other like they wanna lick ice cream off each other’s hairless bodies.

9:07p: I wanna know what kind of hair oils Screech uses to keep that nest of curls so damn tight. What’s yo sheen man?

9:10p: But like why couldn’t they get Hayley Mills to play herself? Like who is this impostor? Wait, is Hayley Mills still alive? Am I spelling her name right? Is she a real person?

9:11p: Twitter is on that truth right now

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9:12p: White lady whispers “He’s Latino”, white dude whispers “He’s perfect”. That’s not creepy at all. #coupleseekinglatino

9:18p: Shade on shade on shade

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9:20p: OUR THOUGHTS Mari – They (the show’s producers) were mad racist before and we should have known about the Zack and Lisa freaky times before this movie. Also, with all the money Lifetime has they couldn’t have gotten Zack a better wig. Come to the Bronx, bitches, we got wigs for you. Me- It’s not as perfectly terrible as Liz and Dick but we still have an hour and a half.

9:25p: Yo tell me how they have Screech trapped in the closet.

9:28p: Slater just legit popped his collar and used salmon pants to sweet talk new Jessie. STOP. How’d they get my secrets? I want his denim cutoff vest, like hey outsiders.

9:30p: That was the most uninspired video montage set to a terrible 90s song ever, and not in the perfect way, in the ‘oh no, am i really liveblogging this for the rest of the nite?’

9:32p: White Twitter has feelings:

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9:35p: HEARTS ARE BEING BROKEN EVERYWHERE HAIR IS SO SERIOUS

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9:38p: Literally my computer froze during all the screaming. Zack got his shirt ripped open and Slater was propositioned by someone’s mom, so like this was like Twilight or something. I really want this:

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9:45p: We’re at the part in this movie where Lifetime is trying to create emotion and teach us how this show “really spoke” to the youth. This is like a moment where you know someone’s Dad wrote this part of the script while trying to sound like a “cool teen”.

9:45p: Is this Saved by the Bell or Everybody Hates Screech?

9:48p: WAIT WAIT the saving grace moment just happened. This dude, Screech, just imagined he was some Hugh Heffner pimp in a smoking jacket with a tub full of bitches. I just cackle wheezed in my beer. Stop. Everything.

9:50p:  We interrupt this liveblog for a birthday moment, that cool?

my homegirl and her child just sang me happy berfday and i got a cupcake and a beer!

my homegirl and her child just sang me happy berfday and i got a cupcake and a beer!

 

9:53p: Oh snap! Lark Voorhies was a Jehova’s Witness? I woulda let her in my house any day of the week. Preach to me, mama.

9:55p: PERO LIKE WHERE IS KELLY’S MOLE IN THIS SCENE???

9:56P: Yo that mole is like the Travelocity gnome.

10:00p: That girl is poison. Lifetime spent all their money on this soundtrack but it ain’t saving nodamnbody. Jesus needs to take the wheel on this shit. He needs to take it and drive it off a cliff.

10:05p: Mari says: This shit needs to be called ‘Saved by the Drink’

10:08p: Finally we all get to do pills.

10:09p: Yes, the reenactment of the best scene ever. Attention kids: Caffeine pills will fucking kill you. Also, if you’re name is Dustin Diamond and you’re on a tv show, then you’re probably the worst person and you laugh when your friends try to act like they’re drug addicts and then YOU DRRNKK.

10:12p: Twitter still going strong like whut

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10:15: holy shit the brittany murphy story on lifetime i am a sucker for this shit what is my life

10:16p: Slater in a crop top showing off his abs. Just wanna say, you’re welcome cuz I played Slater in this Lifetime cinema experience.

10:19p: My response to the world when it shits all over me for fun: I AM NOT SCREECH. This will also work if I’m checking in for jury duty or picking up a wig.

10:20p: And then Screech learned some Puerto Rican Judo. Ju don’t know if I’m a UFC fighter. Ju don’t know if I’m Screech. Pero like ju don’t know if I’m a virgin or what kind of oil I put on my hairs.

10:24p: Twitter never lies

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10:26p: Lisa Turle’s side-eye said “bitch, I see you and your Paris bullshit”

10:29p: We’re all here like “but who’s that fine Asian dude with the liquor?”

10:30p: I’m waiting for Kelly to drop it low and give Zack a french bj. It involves mayonnaise AND ketchup.

10:32p: Zack’s eyebrows are looking so damn heavy. Can someone help him carry those things? We need Slater to pop in and put them on his muscles. ‘Hey Preppy, lemme get those brows,” right?

10:33p: Mari Says: You know what woulda saved this hot mess? They shoulda had Madea playing Lisa Turtle. #dead

10:38p: Damn for all the 90s music in this basic ass movie, you think they would have played some “End of the Road” by Boyz II Men for this sad scene with Kelly and Jessie leaving. But nah, they relied on the Lifetime movie sad song piano player.

10:43p: I wanna go to the other party with Slater. He’s also the only one in one the joke that is this movie and its hairpieces.

10:47pm: This Vagisil commercial is more interesting right now than this movie. It Eliminates odors? Will it eliminate Lifetime movies?

10:57p: Word

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10:59p: So Screech gives us a Timeout and updates us on everyone’s life but forgets to drop the “I made some weird ass pornos” bit about himself. Also, this movie should end and go directly into an uninterrupted airing of Showgirls.

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Gabrielle Rivera is an awesomely queer Bronx bred, writer, spoken word artist and director. Her short stories and poems have been published in various anthologies such as the Lambda Award winning Portland Queer: Tales from the Rose City and The Best of Panic! En Vivo from the East Village. Her short film "Spanish Girls are Beautiful" follows a group of young Latina and Caucasian girls who like girls as they hook up, smoke up and try to figure sh*t out. She also freelances for Autostraddle.com while working in the film and television industry. Gabrielle is currently working on her first novel while bouncing around NYC performing spoken word and trying to stick it to the man.

gabby has written 102 articles for us.

45 Comments

  1. HAPPY BIRTHDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!

    I saw the trailer a few days ago. Seemed very meh for me, so instead I listened to a few podcasts from http://gobayside.tumblr.com/ where a comedienne and her friends recap and critique every single episode. Way better!

    Also, the actor that’s playing Zach is from “How To Be Indie” which blew my mind because why do I even know this…

  2. Happy Birthday, gurrrrrrrrl!

    I’m so ready for this! I have a big ass bottle of wine, my big ass “Olivia Pope” wine glass and opinions and feelings.

    So far: wtf, I cannot find my wine opener.

  3. Happy Birthday Gabrielle!!
    I love Saved by the Bell, so many happy memories growing up
    Also: I found the best Kelly Kapowski gif, but being technologically challenged I can’t figure out how to upload it :0

      • I love it! Because I’ve been saying that when I talk to my sister about the stark differences of what trends on twitter. The same event (Ferguson, ice challenge, etc) in the same space would make you think these people experiencing it live on a different planet.

        But you know “objective perspective” and all but really it’s none of my business.

        But I’m going to make the casting of Lisa Turtle my business… *sips wine*

  4. I’m so excited I’m so excited I’m so thirsty I can use another drink. These grown folk children got me like Bey “I’ve been drinking, I’ve been drinking
    I get filthy when that liquor get into me.” 20 minutes left to this something better happen like Zac’s eyebrows better shrink and Slater’s Jerry better curl…Smh

  5. Ummmmm can someone tell me where the parentals are because last I checked 21 has been the drinking age and famous or not my mother would have beat me until the white meat shows if I was drinking at a party and backing that a** up to Baby Got Back.

    • I finished my bottle like 30 minutes in but this right *here* makes this movie an experience never to be forgotten.

      I tell my sister about these queer women (and friends) online gatherings on AS and confused she asked why I howl like a wolf (I guess I sound like it or some shit). It is because the people, the community, my imagination and some glitter too that makes the live blogs on AS a party. PAAAARTEEEEEEEEY!!!

      I figured a potential Halloween costume, bother my friends with my idea, love that other people see a “White Twitter,” and manged to not play the movie Showgirls (bc I legit think in a tumblr alternate univeirse think that Jessie did become Naomi because of a coke habit and…Im going to stop). All that shit and I made everyone watch “The talanted Mr. Ripely” where I uncomfortably related to Tom with his emotions in the boat scene, ooooooohhhh, memories of Penn State.

      We are dancing to Geroge Micheal when he was with Wham! and Janet Jackson.

      Success!

      • we love you and will always be here to pop $5 bottles of wine, smack talk bad tv, bad anything really, and help pick out elaborate halloween costumes. we can also dry wall and pick up foxy queers and manage light-med housework. we’re such a catch.

  6. I lost my shit after “Jesus needs to take the wheel on this shit. He needs to take it and drive it off a cliff.” so glad I finished drinking my cereal before reading. Oh hey, hey this article is number 69 for you Gabby, pepperoni on the birthday pizza. Or the cheese?
    Also who the fuck does not realise that Zack was never a natural blonde, that lady has got to be kidding.

  7. Okay so I watched some of the episodes on Netflix, I can’t.

    The lady from Parent trap is there and I’m having emotions bc I watched Parent Trap with LiLo two days ago.

    Ahhhhhhh why is nostalgia so painful but…sweet?

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