This week on Glee, nothing happened, which is unfortunate, considering all the things that could have happened. The episode was titled “Night of Neglect” because it neglected to do the following things:
1. Tie its ludicrous micro-plot (device) into any larger themes or storylines
2. Further Santana’s journey into the world of lesbianism
3. Further Santana’s journey into Brittany’s jazz pants
4. Further Santana’s journey into Brittany’s leggings/legwarmers (regardless of limb placement, we’ll take a hand and/or ankle in the vadge at this point)
5. Further the Quinn-Finn-Rachel love triangle (not like I give two shits, but whatever)
6. Further Kurt & Blaine’s homo-homo-homogay revolutionary birdsong relationship
7. Further Puck’s journey into Lauren’s pants
8. Present even one track for me to spend the day deliberating if it’s worth the money downloading from iTunes.
9. Provide any reasonable excuse for cluttering our potential lesbian minutes with old guest stars.
10. Justify its existence.
One might say the writers “neglected” to write an actual episode, probably should’ve spent the money spent writing this episode to actually fund The Arts, which would’ve brought it RIGHT back around since the theme of this episode – and also, it’d seem — the theme of this entire week, is fundraising!
We open in Glee Club, a motley crew of children who like to make out with each other and all look about 25 but are supposed to be 17.
Mr. Shu has done an unofficial poll of the over-40s and under-12s in the Mackinaw Island, Cape Cod and Niagara Falls area and has concluded that the best way to save Glee Club is to sell saltwater taffy to students, who typically have no access to saltwater taffy at all whatsoever (like crack!). Though honestly if they live in Lima, as I’ve mentioned, there’s a Cracker Barrel there, which sells saltwater taffy.
If you eat too much Saltwater Taffy it removes your teeth from your skull and if you eat it while pregnant then your baby might turn out like Brittany, who is hot and can dance and didn’t tell Santana she wanted to be her girlfriend but also says things like “I love saltwater.” True story. Don’t drink & drive!
Santana says nobody’s gonna buy tooth-extracting-taffy from Gleeks ’cause nobody likes Gleeks, and despite Santana being a very pretty/witty/gay lesbian with perky breasts, even she, SANTANA, gets slushies tossed in her face when she’s just trying to fantasize about Shane and go to class.
We flashback to the incident, wherein Katstiasgayguy steps into the frame and says “I’m So Sorry” in a weird voice that makes him sound like Patrick Swayze in To Wong Foo.
You know, one time working at The Olive Garden I spilled a Strawberry Daquiri on this woman’s leather jacket and we had to pay her dry cleaning bill, which means The Olive Garden is better to its patrons than McKinley High is to its students.
Anyhow, the Asian Guy gets super upset ’cause he’s neglected — he’s not selling taffy until somebody sends him a some-e-card about how the Just-Now-Invented-for-Unclear-Reason “Brainiac” Club won the Big Champion Prize last week on the teevee.
We flash back to the games, where Brittany eats Dots, probably culled from the Halloween candy baskets of every kid in the universe because who the fuck wants Dots, it’s worse than Good ‘n Plentys or Mounds or whatever, and answers a series of questions about cat diseases which she aces. Cats = Lesbian.
The final round of the Trivia Olympics is about white rappers, and Artie reacts like I would if I was in this show and the category was white r[ec]appers. Also, Sunshine Corazon – that character they dropped like it was hot after the first episode of Season Two – has reappeared on the opposite team.
So the point of this is that Glee Club might need $5,000 to go to The Regionals/Finals/Bicentennial but the Cranium Club needs money to go to their Big Game or whatever. I’d suggest the advisor of the Brainiac Squad handle that one his or herself, but this is Glee, and nothing is real, and it only costs $250 to ship all four of them to Detroit for finals and let’s be real here: Detroit is a bargain. I grew up in the area and am obsessed with the history of Detroit, we can discuss this at another time. Mercedes could just sell her yellow shoes on ebay.
Sue Sylvester has assembled a legion of evil to destroy the Glee Club by, I believe, heckling? It’s like Pinky & the Brain-meets-one-of-those-movies-with-superhero-teams-like-The-Incredibles (or that neglected movie I saw 15 times, Meteor Man).
In honor of 420, we learn that Sandy now sells medicinal marijuana. Furthermore, Cheyenne Jackson’s character is straight but Sandy’s gonna hit on him anyhow, because he’s “predatory gay.” Did the writers forget that there are straight people watching this show and you can’t tell the jokes you can only tell around your gay friends.
Holly Holiday talks Mr. Shu into ditching the taffy idea in favor of a benefit concert entitled “A Night of Neglect” in which the children will perform songs by neglected artists. It’s a totally illogical ridiculous idea that will never work, but provides a weak structure upon which lines can be written and songs can be sung.
What neglected songs will the children be performing? Tina, who’s clearly never been to Astoria or Williamsburg, picks Lykke Li. Mercedes and her pink hat, who have clearly never been to the Motown Museum which is, conveniently enough, located in Detroit City (I’ve been several times and highly recommend it), wants to sing Aretha Franklin. Rachel, who’s clearly never been able to hear in both ears, wants to do Celene Dion. More specifically — “My Heart Will Go On,” which is, essentially, the worst song of all time.
Mike just wants to dance. Thank God. Mike’s dance skills have indeed been neglected, so.
So then Sunshine Corazon, sporting a lesbian beanie from The Real L Word and a Wheres Waldoey tube-top/dress thing pops up, just like the sunshine itself does every morning in Whoville.
Sunshine wants to be in the show too because she has been neglected by Glee in general for never serving a useful purpose, including now. She has 629 Twitter followers which guarantees a trending topic/packed house. Listen, I’ve got like 2,000 Twitter followers and you don’t see me busting my ass into the March of Dimes.
Unfortunately — because she kills the song, I mean this girl is super good, and I’m 75% sure Brittany Spears herself woke up from her prisoner-coma to design that microphone — Sunshine is very wrong to claim that All By Myself is a neglected song.
Need I remind you of this:
Rachel says Mercedes will get “bumped” if Sushine joins in so that Rachel can maintain her headlining position, which I’m 75% sure is racist.
Also can I mention that Rachel has been to Hilton Head with Ian Thomas, stole the velvet fabric lining off the walls of the Ritz Carlton Cigar Room and turned it into this horse-covered frock situation that almost — ALMOST — distracts entirely from her being like Beyonce and Mercedes being like those neglected girls in the movie Dreamgirls, which is the only film I saw in all of 2006.
Lauren is concerned that Mercedes isn’t asking/demanding enough respect ’cause she so willingly took back seat to Rachel. Also, look at Mercedes’ shoes:
Lauren: “Respect isn’t something you can ask for, you have to demand it, and you deserve it.”
Mercedes: “You don’t seem to have trouble in that department.”
Lauren: “Right, but you know what, neither does Aretha or J-Lo or Maria, you know why? Because they get proof every day. I heard Mariah makes appointments at 9, shows up at 4 in the afternoon, because she knows people will wait.”
Lauren will fix this by becoming Mercedes’s manager. I know, it doesn’t make any sense. Just wait for the gospel choir.
So Uncle Jesse is annulling his marriage with Emma ’cause they never fornicated. Then Emma directly addresses her OCD for maybe the first time ever, idk because usually during scenes featuring solely Mr. Shu and another Rydell High Staff Member, I head out to make toast or fix another drink. I don’t even know why I’m sitting here.
Anyhow, for the first (or maybe tenth time), Emma GETS REAL.
Emma: “I actually believed that I’d have a handle on my OCD by now, it’s just been so long, and I’m so tired.”
God, and isn’t that the fucking truth? As much as we’re in love with our sadness/ destructive tendencies sometimes, when push comes to depressive/obsessive/manic shove, it’s just — it’s just “I’m so tired.”
Mercedes is making demands about M&Ms, as M&M selection is a thing journalists are obsessed with when talking about celebrity’s dressing room demands.
I’m excited that all signs are pointing towards the Mercedes number we want at least twice as much as Mercedes herself does, but must we get there via this weirdo plot?
Finn & Quinn approach Rachel in concern, Rachel says that stars obviously make demands b/c they need what they need and everyone knows Blue M&Ms are GM foods manufactured by someone who probably exploits something, somewhere. Rachel says she’ll take care of it.
Holly Holiday is being a Person From History who had big hands, like a lesbian. It’s not me, and it’s not Samantha Ronson, and it’s not the Jolly Green Giant, and ultimately I don’t care/know what’s going on here. She should have a fisting war with SamRo inside Lindsay Lohan’s uterus.
Also she’s dressed like Star Trek Generation meets Memoirs of a Geisha meets the late 80s. I love it.
Cheyenne Jackson arrives to hit on her. Ryan Murphy is doing his part to prove that gay actors can play straight, one gay Broadway dude at a time. Cheyenne has a thing in his ear, probs so he can communicate with the other Old Navy Team Members.
Cheyenne tells Holly that Will has small hands. This is the most lesbiany part of this episode so far, unfortunately. WHERE THE FUCK IS SANTANA’S LEZBOVADGE.
Mercedes/Rachel demands things like if she doesn’t get to headline everyone has to carry her around like Lady Gaga in the egg / somebody at their wedding / babies before they can walk.
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Ah. It seems like I’m the only one who stays up till 1 on the night of 4:20 to read a recap of an episode that I didn’t particularly enjoy.
enjoyed the recap, though. missed these.
yesthisyes. Your recaps, Riese. lolz. The whole thing.
I don’t watch Glee but I might have watched this 15 times today: http://www.esquire.com/the-side/qa/heather-morris-dancing-0511
Just a sec while I pick my jaw up off the floor
Oh hello there HeMo.
I forgot I was in love with you for a minute there.
One of the things that bugged me about this episode was that it served as a reminder that Glee’s “good episodes” seem to occur purely by chance. I feel like the writers don’t entirely understand how to pull off fancy writing conventions like “meaningful character development” or “plots”, and if they do they obviously don’t put much weight into them.
Also, episodes like this make me wonder what straight people see in this show. I keep watching at this point 70% because the Brittana story line resonated with me on such a deep and profound level (was that only 1.5 months ago? It feels so far away) and 20% for Darren Criss. I suppose I also stand by it because I want to believe “it gets better” just like Dan Savage says, but somewhere in the back of my mind there is a voice screaming “it will only get worse”.
I want this show to get better though! I want to like the characters, and I want to be invested in the story lines! It’s not like the show has a lack of potentially good characters, it’s just that it’s become so heavily reliant on the gimmick of the week that there is no possibility for anything meaningful to happen.
At least we’ll always have Santana and Brittany.
umm I like Dots.
“you are gonna get a lot of comments from people who like dots” – person copyediting this recap
a very prescient comment.
however, too bad the person didn’t catch that you kept saying – braniacs instead of brainiacs. right? they’re like smart and stuff, not bran muffin eaters?
why is gwyneth there? LIKE, REALLY.
I have been wondering this since like, the first episode she was in. She was kickass but then again wholly unnecessary.
I don’t understand that character either. Every time she comes on screen I get the sudden urge to go take a nap.
Her Adele cover made me so, so angry. But I’m biased – I’m secretly praying that Santanna will do an Adele cover if Brittanna falls through.
ok, so I’m probably not understanding this or something, and am gonna end up looking like a huge idiot, but… when Will is writing on the white board, he writes 5,000x.25=20,000. Shouldn’t it be 20,000x.25=$5000? Like, I get what he was trying to show, but isn’t this equation not equal at all?? I feel like Spanish teachers are supposed to at least understand basic math.
p.s. Riese, please don’t ever stop writing/making these :)
I KNOW RIGHT I KNOW RIGHT I just kept staring at that being like………. that is incorrect. 5000x.25 is 1250. He wanted to divide.
Goshdarn it! I kept doing and re-doing the math over and over thinking–am I crazy!!! That drove me nuts!
Musicians can’t do math, duh.
Honestly, I have no idea where that stereotype came from… because, even as a music major, I wanted to smack him for not doing that correctly.
Maybe we should just blame the director….
I know, right? I could hardly believe my eyes! You would think at least SOMEONE on the set that day would have been like “oh hey, wait a minute…”
It should have been 5,000/.25=20,000. How did no one NO ONE notice this, all the way from it being written on the board to my television?
‘She should have a fisting war with SamRo inside Lindsay Lohan’s uterus’
/I’m on the floor.
Seriously though…SamRo’s hands seem to be quite something. When people (i.e. homophobic/gender-expression-phobic people) say she’s a man/guy I’m like, have you SEEN her hands/fingers? Well, if not, do so, then get back to me.
Exhibit A: http://grazia.ninemsn.com.au/img/blogs/celebtracker/Blogs_CelebTracker_Ronson_Sept8.jpg
Also, Miss Holiday should incorporate LiLo (since she did in Spanish class) into her education…for Santana.
I agree that the episode was overall pretty crap though. Mom loved Charice.
@carly, he was figuring out how much saltwater taffy they’d have to sell if it was 25 cents a piece. So because they need 5000 dollars, they have to sell 20000 pieces of saltwater taffy. It was a weird equation though.
Anyway. This recap kind of fails. From the beginning you’ve had this negative mindset, and all you’re doing is looking for flaws. You’re not really recapping the episode properly – you’re just trying to be funny by mocking the show. Some nice one-liners, sure, but it’s kind of irritating.
Well. If people want a play by play of the episode they can just… watch the episode?
There might be some mocking in there, but there are also some pretty valid criticisms.
I think this is funny because I don’t think there’s, like, a certain way to recap things, ya know? It’s Something Weird That Happens on the Internet, I don’t know if there’s really an improper way to accomplish it
my other favorite part of the internet is how like unlike anything else in the world, if you don’t like something, you can just not read it. you know? AMIRITE
5,000/.25=20,000. Division FTW.
I freaking LOVE Gleecaps!
This episode really sucked but I did love the scene with Santana, Blaine, and Kurt.
GAYLESBALL ftw! :D
i don’t want gweneth paltrow to ever try to sing adele again.
I second this. Can we add singing in general to the wishlist?
Razorblades in Santana’s hair was the ONLY good thing about this episode. Also, one of my BFFs is obsessed with Charice (omg did you know that she’s probably a baby lesbian!?!?), so I felt the obligation to watch it for that too.
So disappointed with the League of Doom. Brilliant opening, but they were just so lame. Their “plans” reminded me of when Artie and Kurt decided to sing in the library to be “so bad”, but since these were supposedly evil adults, it was even more pathetic.
“Did the writers forget that there are straight people watching this show and you can’t tell the jokes you can only tell around your gay friends.”
that’s exactly what i was thinking as i flinched at that whole exchange.
also, who thought it would be a good idea for gwyneth, who can sort of sing i guess, to sing adele. i mean really. i actually want to know. maybe they only ever listen to their adele album on shitty apple headphones so they don’t realize how incredible her voice is.
thanks for an awesome recap, riese. this is pretty much exactly how i felt about this filler episode.
“I know, it doesn’t make any sense. Just wait for the gospel choir.”
Best line. Hands down.
Sandy has been dealing marijuana for basically the entire series. Will bought some from him and planted it in Finn’s locker in order to blackmail him to be in glee club, because he needed a strong male lead (who could “keep up with [Rachel] vocally”) despite the fact that he already had Artie and Kurt who are both better singers than Finn. He also sold to Puck when they were doing a bake sale to raise money for a bus that could accommodate Artie’s wheelchair, I believe.
I liked that they finally acknowledged that Mercedes is a better singer than Rachel, since I have pretty much always been yelling “why is everybody acting like Rachel is a better singer than Mercedes!?” at my TV whenever Glee is on. Although now that they have, they are going to move on and keep doing exactly the same thing, it felt gratifying in the moment. (Seriously, Mercedes completely overpowered Rachel during their diva-off, just like Rachel does every single time she sings with Finn.)
This recap was about ten times more entertaining than the actual episode.
This episode blew but I ain’t mad at the recap. Thanks, Riese.
I love Santana. If she doesn’t kiss a girl before this season is out I will sit down and I will write a letter. I mean it.
turning tables really wasn’t that bad. i thought it was ok. the episode was ok. everything about glee is only ok. where is the epic awesomeness? where are the plot lines that they keep dropping? maybe if i smoke sum bud this whole season will make sense in some twisted way.
I need to watch the episode before I read this. The fact that I haven’t seen it yet probably says a lot about how much I care about Glee right now.
These recaps make my week tbh
I just accidentally read some spoilers for some things that happen later, that’s what I get for looking at too many Glee tumblrs. Stay away, friends, stay away. I like surprises.
Anyway this was the second time today I’ve seen To Wong Foo mentioned in reference to Glee, isn’t it weird when things like that happen?
This episode was really boring. Santana’s line about the razorblades in her hair was the best. I’ve had Turning Tables stuck in my head since I watched this episode and I had to listen to Adele’s album 5 times to prevent Gwyneth’s “version” from getting stuck in there. I hate when Glee just recreates tracks like that. At least make it a little different, please? It’s annoying.
also, why not let amber riley sing adele? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_NIyyMfa2mY
I just want Santana to sing and Brittany to whip hair and can they just make out already.
I can’t wait for the Born This Way recap
Santana effin’ Lopez FTW
I just watched this and the “joke” about Sandy introducing himself as “predatory gay” hurt my brain with its pointlessness. Why, Glee, why?