Glee 313 Recap: Heart Kiss Kiss Kill Kiss Heart Love Sugar

In the Glorious Bleachered Courtyard of Lima’s Own McKinley High, The Christian God Squad’s got a musical gift for Rachel Berry the Jew, ’cause Rachel loves shoe drives and highways, and if there’s one thing this girl can’t get herself — and that’s what gift-giving is all about, really, giving something to someone they’d never give themselves — it’s “the gift of song.”

a very warm february in ohio

Santana, looking to Start Some Shit, Make a Point, and Top the Hell out of this sweet sweet ‘ship, saddles up to the Motley Gang of God-Fearing Gospelites and slips a ten between the strings of Ziggy’s Magical Guitar:

Santana: “I would like to send one to my girlfriend Brittany. And by that I don’t mean my friend who’s a girl, I mean my girlfriend-girlfriend. How’s that sound?”

because let's be honest, i'm the hottest one on this show which means god clearly loves me the most

It sounds really good to me!

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Faced with their very first Homosexual Issue in the history of McKinley’s Home for Homos, God Squad tackles whether or not it’s okay to sing for gay people.

fuck artie's legs, let's talk about homos

Sam: “Well, three of us here are in Glee Club, so we pretty much sing to gay people all the time.”

Mercedes, all Full of Judge now that she’s got that mallet at hand, posits that perhaps Ziggy Whitney — after a decade underground sleeping on a stack of discarded Niagara Falls motel room Bibles — may feel singing for a-girl-who-likes-girls will perhaps destroy his life or potentially all of mankind.

have you met that guy finn? total lesbian.

Mercedes: “Yeah they say one out of every ten people are gay. And if that’s true, that means that one of the 12 apostles might have been gay. And my guess is Simon, because his name is the gayest.”

HAR. Sidenote, that statistic is not true. Anyhow, Sam suggests that the Bible’s got a graf or two in it regarding man-on-man action and Quinn points out the Bible also forbids Jesus’s followers from shopping at Wal-Mart, having periods, adopting highways, wearing tiny hats, eating chili cheese dogs, watching teevee shows about vampires, collecting beanie babies, using an entire roll of toilet paper before bothering to put it back on the spool and well, you know. To hell with all that.

and if you look at the hard topics and find "we can't sing to gay people" there, then you are looking in the wrong place

“I don’t wanna hurt somebody’s feelings, but I also don’t wanna make someone do something they’re uncomfortable with,” says Mercedes, which is my cue to stop giving a fuck about her present storyline, which’ll make it easier to cover up that I don’t give a fuck about her present storyline. Really, they’ve yet to sell the Sam/Mercedes connection to us as anything beyond Murphy’s response to fan backlash about Mercedes’s sexless sex life. I think there could be a lot there, actually, but we need to SEE IT.

Cut to —

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Mercedes and Sam deciding they can’t be together, due to Matthew-Crowley-Lady-Mary-Josephine-Crawley-Style reasons which enable an easy segue to Amber Riley belting “I Will Always Love You.” This particular tribute made Marni (my girlfriend) cry but she didn’t cry during Jennifer Hudson’s version on The Grammys. If only Burt Hummel had waddled onstage in his Carhart and offered Amber a bro-hug, then Marni would’ve probably had a complete mental breakdown!

the bodyguard meets xanadu

Mercedes kills the song, kills the hell out of that dress, and Sam’s lips shine like a guppy’s pucker in the shimmery shimmery moonlight. dotted-divider2

Let’s hop on over to Chez Berry! To prep Finn for the best possible job he’ll ever obtain in the theatrical arts, the Berrys gift us with some honky-tonk “dinner theater” in their Impeccably Decorated Homosexual Home as the Hummel-Hudsons fantasize about bread baskets.

this was so adorbs for real

Nextly, the Hummel-Hubbard-Berrys sit around a table looking alternately at one another and at the plates of food before them, saying various sentences. Hiram announces it’s time for a night of romantic teenage-lovemaking, which is funny except that he’s completely totally serious, so then it’s gross. “Reverse psychology,” we’ll learn, is the tune of the song they’re singing.

somebody needs to eat their lemon wedge before the lemon people get offended

Finn and Rachel retreat to the upstairs sex dungeon. Then, in a manner reminiscent of the great Haviland Pekor Stillwell, Rachel launches into an elaborate nighttime ritual involving washing her face 45 times. At the ritual’s end, Rachel slips into a silk thing not at all reminiscent of HPS’s sleepytime sweatsuit (HPS gets very cold at night) and emerges to find Finn fuming with hot burning desire to take a shit.

Rachel suggests he do so at his own house and then the shit hits the fan, SO TO SPEAK.

The two squabble heedlessly, Finn says she can take “getting into bed with Finn” out of her night-time routine, she yells “THANKS! That’ll save me HEAPS of time!” in her head, and throws a news paper at the door, really cutely. Downstairs, the Amazing Gays toast to a plot well served.

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Ah, back to the strip mall, where Kurt hits up Breadsticks for soup, salad, breadsticks and gorilla sex. It’s not a gorilla though, it’s Karofsky! Raise your hand if you called it. Now raise both hands. Now go “wheeeee!!” Don’t you feel better now? I do.

look hon, lemme explain grindr to you

Karofsky confesses his predictable crush on Kurt and Kurt turns him down like a gentleman, although personally I would’ve cut out the whole part except “but I’m with Blaine.”

Kurt: “… David, you just think you love me. You don’t really love me… I am so proud of you for coming so far and i want you to be happy, and you will be happy, but I’m with Blaine. And, I like you. But just as friends.”

Karofsky’s not dropping $5.99 on a “friend,” thus he storms away from endless pasta bowls into the night, but not before he gets spotted by a Jock seemingly from Karofsky’s new school. Kurt handles it seamlessly, but it’s too late, the Jock already knows Karofsky is gay and will be beating Karofsky up and then attack-kissing him very soon.

definitely will want a hand job later

“Worst Valentine’s Day EVER,” Karofsky thinks to himself in his furry facemask. This would never happen at the Olive Garden.

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Back at Chez Berry, Rachel & Finn are happy as one lunatic and one strange boy in a bed, having resisted just about every aspect of teenage behavior by quickly calming down post-squabble and  lying in bed with all their clothes on while deciding to skip the sleepover and go have fun with their friends at breadsticks. They also look at each other and talk about each other, ’cause that’s the only thing they ever talk about to each other. Each other!

Downstairs, Dads are on edge because the fighting has stopped:

Leroy: “Do you need a Xanax?”
Hiram: “I already took three. This is a stupid plan. We’ve never lied to her like this before. Honesty, respect, dance — those are the foundations of the Berry family.
Leroy: “These are desperate times. Every teenager does the exact opposite of what their parents tell them. I don’t know where she got this idea of marriage anyway, but she’s not gonna go through with it. She is a little girl with big dreams.”

And then… the duo bound cheerfully announce they’ll wed in time for next week’s winter finale. Eeek.

well you know what they say, "when you give a girl a whip-it...!"

And barf/NEXT!

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Onto Breadsticks, completely redone to resemble Sugar’s sugar walls, for the couples party seemingly transformed into a combo “couples/pity” party, as Artie, Mercedes, Quinn, Joe and Sam have somehow snuck their Forever Alonely asses into the fruity thick of this bash.

But let’s not fuck around, we came here for these two:

Santana entering Brittany's moist wet mouth

Sugar, OWNING this episode from top to bottom, introduces The God Squad. The quartet takes the stage to congratulate themselves for not being douchebags and, more importantly, to re-focus this shengagen to the ladies of the night, Santana and Brittany.

Ziggy Whitney: “My name is Joe. Santana Lopez asked me if The God Squad would sing a song for Brittany S. Pierce. And after thinking and praying about it, I knew there was only one right answer. Absolutely. Love is love, man.”

Thus God Squad launches into “Cherish,” fronted by Angeltoe Quinn. The lovely ladies canoodle and Santana is just truly really unbearably adorably chivalrous and cute towards Brittany in a way she’s never been before with anyone, really, ever — not other boys or other people or any anything. Like she’s so soft.

so much cocaine on the fingernails

God would I like to see more of this. Not to look a gift horse in the mouth while it’s got its tongue in Brittany’s, but I’m genuinely interested in their actual dynamic as a couple, and I fear the writing team hasn’t figured it out yet themselves which’s why Brittany’s been nearly mute since their official get-together.

now everybody pretend like you're holding a giant baby

Quinn’s wearing a nice pink-white-red-striped dress thing like an Easter Sunday where you’re planning on getting laid, and the really good news is that Brittany’s got her hair done up just right to work in the bomb factory or to, you know….

are you ready to break tumblr?

…kiss!

righteous

Brittany puts her arms around Santana and holds her, too, and then Sugar screeches “Jesus, HOLLA!” which is what we should always do when two hot girls kiss.

Then Sugar announces her special guest, The Cute and Compact Pocket Gay, back from Broadway to sing “Love Shack” with his suddenly-sexy boyfriend, Kurt, who I guess has been sitting in Breadsticks for like five hours playing chicken with The Jock.

i have perhaps never loved them more than i do in this moment

The last number is happy, all pink and red and glittery, with balloons everywhere and poofy dresses and tiny hats. Blaine’s playing the room like a drum, and Brittany’s got a fishtank all up in her unit but I don’t care. It was sweet, but also red is my favorite color and words can’t express how pleased I am to see Kurt in jeans. Kurt looks better than he’s ever looked in the history of this show in this scene, by the way.

You know what I wanted to watch after writing this recap, randomly? This!

Once more, with feelings:

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Riese is the 39-year-old Co-Founder and CEO of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

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84 Comments

  1. This episode was really good. The songs were good, the way Glee winked at their own double standards was good, Santana and Figgins and Sugar slayed, The Berry men need their own spin off, and I need next week’s episode in my life because of THIS:


    the magical appearance of the actual gif in this comment is brought to you by the autostraddle community managerettes

  2. I checked autostraddle every hour to see if you haf written the recap! ahaha It’s awesome as always!

    *Am I the only one who couldn’t take seriously the jock of Karofsky? I mean, seriously, it’s Beaver! He loves everyone!

      • Omg. I agree.

        They totally just want you to take charge… I mean that in a non creepy way. Oh well.

        I don’t really believe in Santana and britney… I mean I love them but I just don’t see the chemistry. Like I want to watch them have conversation about something in which britney isn’t just funny because she says something clueless… Because her cluelessness is a bit tragic you know? Like it’s not all that funny to laugh t someone’s helplessness.

        I love the idea of her being secretly being really smart and going to an ivy league. In fact, I call that. Right now.

        And omg Riese. Loved it.

        • No chemistry? Well then that’s really saying something about the other couples because they’re the ones that seem the most believable to me. Brittany is sweet & endlessly forgiving so she can look past Santana’s flaws to see the good person that she actually is. Santana believes in Brittany & doesn’t think of her as being just a good looking simpleton the way everyone else does.

  3. … So I’m the only one who doesn’t like Brittana?

    I thought so…

    (but seriously. I’ve hated Britney’s character ever since the writers didn’t know what to do with her and wildly fliped back and forth between ditzy cheerleader who hooks up with everybody and mildly developmentally disabled for a season. Mostly I’m thinking of the episode where she still believed in Santa. HOW CAN SHE BE HAVING SEX IF SHE STILL THINKS SANTA BRINGS HER PRESENTS?)

    • I also can’t stand Britney, for pretty much all the reasons you mentioned. But I like seeing Santana in a happy lesbian relationship, so I’m willing to put up with it. Especially since Britney doesn’t speak much. But I certainly would prefer to see Santana with a good character who can hold her own.

    • yeah i’m having trouble with that aspect too — brittany’s character is so wacky, perhaps moreso than anyone else on the show, she says things that literally no human being her age would ever say, the stupid things she says are hilarious but WAY over-the-top. That’s why I want to see more of their relationship, you know? And I think that’s why we aren’t, because they don’t know what to do with Brittany center-stage, they only knew what to do with her as a side character. I’m sure there’s a way to rationalize all of it and I bet a lot of people will respond to this comment and argue otherwise, but I don’t think we should have to work that hard as viewers to make it make sense. She’s still a caricature, and as they flesh out Santana more and more, their failure to ascribe any motivations to Brittany’s actions or understand her psychology becomes increasingly obvious. IMHO

      • I agree completely, the saddest thing is that they started to show a smart side of Brittany at the end of season 2 but as it happens with Glee she reverted back to being the quiet, one-line-per-episode ridiculous caricature she was in season 1. I think that’s one of the reasons I like Brittana but I am not really invested in them, I just can’t see them as a serious couple as long as they don’t give her a bit more depth.

        • yeah, Brittany was such a genius towards the end of Season 2. Remember how insightful she was in the Prom episode? “They don’t know what you’re hiding; they just know you’re not being yourself.” So damn insightful. Also, interesting that she apparently is so technologically inept that she is unable to burn a CD, but she is apparently competent enough to create and produce a web talk show…

      • I think a lot of Brittany’s character was initially built on one-liners that make her sound incredibly dumb (with the exception of her insightful moments in season 2). It’s possible that they’ve cut those kinds of lines in order to make her relationship with Santana more socially-acceptable. I think the writers hope that by doing this, we’ll think of Brittany as wacky/zany/etc instead of how she used to seem – potentially not smart enough to consent to a sexual relationship. Further developing Santana’s character has also helped make their relationship more acceptable. She used to be insanely manipulative, even with Brittany, and now she’s a total badass. Maybe it’s because I’m just happy to see some gays on TV, but I really love Brittana.

      • I totally agree with this. I feel like this show has now plan. They just write by the seat of their pants and it’s infuriating. I don’t think they ever planned for Brittany to be a main character, and I think because of this the Brittana relationship is basically a flash in the pan and a scheme to get more “shock” ratings, which is really unfortunate. I would love to see this show portray a strong lesbian relationship, they have the power to do it, but right now they are using their power for evil.

      • Yes! It’s hard to take them seriously because it’s like Brittany it’s not sure about what she is doing… Like Santana is her BFF and she makes out with anoyone so “ok”… -.-‘ I’m all about Santana joining the team but Brittany, nah…

    • no, you’re not the only one. I mean, I don’t really dislike them, I’m just not wild about them either. I feel like there’s not much chemistry between them. I mean, they’re better than Rachel and Finn, but anything is. Compared to Kurt and Blaine though, we don’t get to see much electricity, much depth to the connection.

  4. I’m going to be the asshole here and say I only thought this episode was alright. Like, yes, obviously Santana+Brittany were amazing. That was great. The ending was awesome, Sugar was funny, and I really liked Rachel’s dads!

    But on the other hand, I hated the God Squad stuff. Not even in a “grr, why can’t we all get along” kind of way, but in a “this plot has been done eleventy-billion times already, and is straight out of a very special episode from 1995.”

    1) Although using Figgins as the mouthpiece for the writers to say, “We get it, we messed up.” was nice, acknowledging something is wrong is not the same as fixing it. Glee loves doing this, but the writers also seem to think the acknowledgement is enough and it gives them licensee to keep doing the same thing.

    2) Why do Brittany and Santana have to be singled out again for a storyline like this? I know I’m being petty, but I loved how Blaine and Kurt’s relationship was totally normalized (at least by Glee standards) and I was disappointed it couldn’t have been slipped in the same way.

    3) I honestly just hate tv lectures about acceptance like that. Religious folks shouldn’t accept gay people because they reconciled it with their religious beliefs, they should accept us because we’re human beings. But that’s a whole other rant from me. It just annoyed me in an episode that should have been all about sunshine and flowers and hearts and kisses.

    But yea. I thought it was OK, I was just disappointed.

  5. I spent way too much time watching gifs of that kiss over and over again on tumblr. Like, waaaaay too much time. Heather looks like a really good kisser.

    I think Rachel actually threw a hairbrush at Finn after she told him he couldn’t poop in her house. I fucking love crazy drama queen Rachel Berry.

  6. I find it funny that ABC family shows more love towards same sex couples giving them more than a glance while the channel that airs Family Guy, American Dad and Raising Hope is hesitant towards gays and lesbians. If I have to keep enduring the kisses and touches of Finn and Rachel every 5 minutes in an episode I’m going to be pissed.

  7. Heee Brittany’s look at Sugar’s party reminded me of Bomb Girls too. (Then I thought “why am I watching this and not Bomb Girls? Bomb Girls has more lesbians per capita and less Finn.”)

    Also I love Hiram and Leroy and Jeff Goldblum should probably just be in everything.

  8. can i just say that as i’ve been waiting for this recap, i’ve had to suffer through all the other boring crappy ones.
    where else can i get belly laughs from the picture captions alone?
    “HE WROTE THAT USING ROMI KLINGER’S LIPSTICK”
    hilarious and genius.
    thanks for doing these.

  9. HAR. Sidenote, that statistic is not true (about 1 in 10 peeps being gay). That’s what I thought, too, Riese. Isn’t the (roughly) correct stat: 1 in 10 people are LGBT?

    Also, I love how you always reference your Jewishness, Riese. Personal sidenote: I remember you once said somewhere that you’re of Jewish and Native American descent? Well, I found out the other day that I am, too. And I said to mom as we were walking through the Bay Area, one of my favorite writers has the same ancestry, mom. She lives just over there in Oakland. You know, that stop that we saw when we were on the BART? So, yes. There ya go. :)

    I much preferred this episode to previous episodes. Loved Rachel’s Dads. I thought Amber Riley’s version of IWALY was beautiful. I ship Samcedes now. I find Tina and Mike to be cloyingly sweet. It’s like ‘Dude, we get it, you’re in love.’ They’re just a little too cutesy for my taste. Sugar was hilarious. Btw, was anyone else a little weirded out by Figgins saying he’d much rather see Brittana kissing as opposed to “that so-called Finchel?” I get he was trying to be supportive and stuff but it was just kind of strange to me.

  10. I actually enjoyed this episode, the cute moments with Sanatan and Brittany and Sugar Motta being all kinds of awesome again and finally seeing Rachel’s dads. I want to see a spin off of the hijinks Hiram and Leroy go through to break up Rachel and Finn.

  11. I have had the very same double standards talk! I went to a catholic high school / sixth form college and despite seeing hetero couples kiss all the time me and my girlfriend were told that they had, had complaints and that there was a ‘no touching policy’ me and my girlfriend have to go back there next month to pick up our A level certificates and although im usually not one for over the top PDA’s I may make an exception for this lol.
    Also major props for the ‘but im a cheerleader’ reference.

  12. everything except the brittana parts were sooo boring!

    also this “”WE ALL LOVE POP CHIPS!” The children exclaim, and then they all throw food in each other’s faces and die” made me laugh so hard and reminded me of that part in wizard people, dear reader when the narrator is like “harmony is dead” when really something completely different is happening. anyone know what i’m talking about?

      • Lima is just a mid-size town of about 39,000 (as of the 2010 census). It is a blue collar town, where most of the jobs are in manufacturing or at the oil refinery. There is no such things as Lima Heights, so no one can go “Lima Heights adjacent”. I definitely wouldn’t qualify it as being a GLBT friendly town in any way. Although I do think it is getting better in that regard. There are still a ton of bible thumpers here though. It probably should not annoy me, but I’ve got to wonder if the writers have ever even been to Lima.

        On the glass half full side, our mayor joined mayors from more than 100 other cities in signing a nonbinding pledge to support marriage rights for same-sex couples. At the very least, I hope that shows like Glee can open up some people’s eyes here.

  13. Is it sad that I really don’t care about britanna?( I feel like such a bad lesbian..) I mean I love Santana but it just seem like Brittany is just coasting along. I really want to hear what she is feeling in this relationship, because at this point I just see the love. I Santana’s love but all I really see from Brittany is friendship…Also can we give a slow clap to Mercedes for being the first person on glee to actually feel bad about cheating? I really liked how sam/Mercedes relationship is being developed.

  14. Now that I’ve calmed down, lemme just say, this recap was BRILLIANTLY hilarious as always. Especially with the whole Pop Chip thing. What the fuck was that!? lmao

    I nearly passed out after Quinn said “Oh, I guarantee you have”, and then began shouting at my computer screen when she started rattling off the hypocrisies in the Bible and that Jesus never said anything. I mean. Can she be any gayer? With her conservative family background, baby girl’s been reading a lot to reconcile her feelings with her faith. The gayest moment of Quinn. Just. Omigod. I still can’t get over this whole week.

  15. Great recap!

    I think Dave dropped more than $5.99 — the gorilla suit purchase or rental, the 1 lb. box of Sees ($16.50), probably 1-2 of the “good” (i.e, overpriced) Hallmark or AG cards(s), probably $3.99 each? He really went all out.

    And nothing wrong with having a blanket — my sis had hers till she was 30 (it disintegrated).

  16. I don’t mean to be a total asshole, but is it just me or can Amber Riley (Mercedes) totally not act? I mean, she can pull off the humorous stuff okay, but whenever she becomes emotional, I cringe. And while her voice is incredible and she sang the shit out of “I Will Always Love You,” I started hysterically laughing when she broke up with Shane, who basically just sat there looking like a leaking blob.

  17. Normally I have a lot of shit to talk all throughout every single episode of Glee.

    But true facts, when Mercedes was singing I Will Always Love You, you could’ve heard a pin drop in my house because I was so quiet, I don’t think I was even breathing.

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