FRIDAY OPEN THREAD: It’s Just a Little Crush

Well hello again you beautiful rays of sunshine, and welcome to the Friday Open Thread! I have been dying in anticipation of hosting this thread because I want to talk crushes. I’ve got a couple right now and it’s always seemed to me that the amount of time people want to spend talking/stressing/let’s be real obsessing about their crushes vs. the amount of time people want to listen to others gush about their crushes is generally pretty skewed. I think the Friday Open Thread is the perfect place to balance things out! Do you have a crush or two or three right now? Who is making your face light up when their name shows up on your phone screen? Do you love crushes or absolutely HATE them? What are you like when you crush? What are you like when someone has a crush on you? Spill. That. Tea.


I’ve found that talking about crushes is super helpful when you’re in one cause it can feel so disorienting that you forget all the overthinking, distracted daydreaming, and staring at your phone in anticipation are totally typical hormonal responses to liking another human. Being able to share your crush experiences with others who are riding that wave too, or have been there and TOTALLY get it can be refreshing, normalizing, and of course FUN cause who doesn’t love helping other people figure out what to do about all the fluttery feelings in their hearts?! I for example am terrible at having crushes. I don’t like the idea that someone can suddenly cause my brain to defy me and get off track so constantly that it interrupts my day. No one should have that much power! I’m always asking my super rational friends (coughCarrieWadecough) to talk me down and remind me that eventually it will all be over and this is supposed to be enjoyable or whatever. Other people’s crushes are my favorite thing in the world though! I will happily discuss them in excess. Gotta love that irony. So maybe you’re like me and need some help navigating the crush landscape, or maybe you just want to leave comments full of hearts and x’s and o’s. Either way I invite you to get fully into your unique crush mode whether past, present, or future, and share any stories, questions, frustrations, successes, and all the feelings in between that a crush has caused to bubble to the surface.

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Reneice Charles

Reneice Charles is a just another queer, liberal, woman of color using the Internet to escape from reality and failing miserably. She received her MSW from New York University and is an Entrepreneur and Vocalist living in Los Angeles. She spends her spare time wishing she didn't have to use her spare time convincing people that everyone deserves the same basic human rights.

Reneice has written 104 articles for us.


  1. Reneice! Ahhh! This is super relevant to my interests! I was juuuust thinking about how I don’t comment on Autostraddle enough and I’m always reading that the editors and writers want MOAR COMMENTS and I feel bad that I never have anything to say but I am crushing SO. HARD. right now so this is so perfect for me!

    There are multiple “flies in the ointment” so to speak because this person lives a sorta-significant distance from me AND it’s someone of a different gender than I usually crush on so that is giving me a lot of GAY FEELINGS (which Autostraddle has been an excellent resource for, let me say, love y’all so much!), but also this cutie is like PERFECT and WONDERFUL and aahhh! I’m with you though, I totally hate having crushes mostly because I think feelings are scary, I’m in therapy bout it :)

    But to end on a good note, here’s a list of some of the things that make them super crushworthy! They are incredibly smart (smarter than I am, which annoys me a little bit but I also admire, lol); they are extremely grounded in their values and work and move through the world in a way that I really admire; they’re really good at caring for others while still being able to express their own needs and feelings; they’re funny and have a great laugh; they’re thoughtful; and oh, super super super cute, too! Sometimes I think about their cute face at work and I can’t work anymore!

    My current crush coping mechanisms are lots of baths, lots of crying, lots of reading autostraddle dot com; and reading astrology even more obsessively than usual <3 Anyone have any good pointers on telling your crush?!

    • omg i DIED at “reading astrology even more obsessively than usual” hahahaha. Same. Although sometimes instead of astrology its Tarot which is just SO easy to get yourself wound up about. Sigh. You crush sounds stellar though, and look at you navigating feels for a different gender! So glad Autostraddle has been helpful! Out of curiousity, what article would you say was most helpful for you?

    • Mine was mutual but no prospect on either side of doing much about it. So the telling part was easy I mean inasmuch as I typed some words while my heart beat so hard I thought it would be actually visible to the people nearby.

      Does yours have a chance of going somewhere??

      • Ahhhh that’s like, a million dollar question right! I mean we are both single and it’s not impossible…! Also doesn’t seem very likely either tbh but that hasn’t stopped me from playing out a million different scenarios in my mind so far!

    • Oh, also, my only pointer on telling your crush is to….just do it. It never gets easier and eventually its just unfair to yourself to keep holding yourself in limbo land out of fear of rejection.

      • I agree! Unless not safe, will get you fired etc.

        I’m in a relationship and so is she and it was never going anywhere but it was so HOT and I miss the hotness and the sexting even if I don’t miss the madness

      • Absolutely second what Reneice said!

        I’m the least smooth person alive, so I often avoid bringing it up to people because I don’t know how not to be awkward. But you know what? They’re gonna react how they feel regardless of how you say it.

        This Monday I finally asked someone out that I had been thinking about for a while. They said no, but I’m more proud of myself for facing potential rejection like a grownup than I am bummed out at the answer. Personal growth, wooo!

    • This has worked for me in the past when I wanted to tell a crush, or even just approach a girl at a bar. First, acknowledge to yourself any feelings with _zero_ judgement. Think to yourself “I feel nervous” or whatever. No judgement; just acknowledgement. Naming emotions can sometimes take their power away. Then, I like to plan out the next several steps like a checklist. E.g., walk over there, sit in the chair in front of her, turn around, and say “…”. It feels easier to me to follow a plan to get things rolling.

      But then again, I haven’t done this in a few years, so my advice is rusty. :) Also, I’m a bit of a odd-ball so what works for me won’t necessarily work for you.

      Good luck! Even if your crush does not feel the same way, you’re still super awesome for trying!

  2. Yikes this is relevant to my interests. I am a year (yes ONE YEAR) in to a crush and although it is at last fading out to manageable, a song from #peakcrush came on my Spotify unexpectedly this week and stopped me in my tracks and I nearly cried in the supermarket.

    My crush was a potent combo of mid-life (well mid 30s) crisis, periodic massive swing of my bi pendulum waaayyyy to the far end of the Kinsey scale (the girl end), missing girls in general, and reciprocal huge crushing (which tbh went further than crushing if we’re gonna split hairs).

    I was pretty wrecked for ages. Still adore her. Have never had such an intense experience with anyone, and that’s not from lack of experience. I’m normally pretty clear-headed but I was totally insane.

    But have now retrieved my rational self which felt impossible for a long while.

    I returned to Laneia’s crush advice many many times while drowning in FEELINGS. Thank you Laneia.

    Reneice, I hope your crushes are fun, and life-enhancing, and reciprocated if you want them to be!

    • Hi much of this sounds very familiar and I have been nursing my crush for a ridiculous 8 months now so I have nothing more to add except to say I SEE YOU <3

    • Congrats on retrieving your rational self! Its an accomplishment for sure :) I don’t think id survive if I had a year long crush. I’m terrible at ambiguity which is a huge part of crushes, which is why i tend not to get them or let them last very long. I go for clarity as soon as it seems appropriate cause i’d rather either be rejected and move on or know its mutual and be able to relax and have fun than constantly be like “i like them do they like me? what does this text mean? what should I say?!” i just………caaaaaaaaant! So fun isnt a word i’d use, but i guess life-enhancing in the sense that i feel feelings im not used to is true, and I do think they’re reciprocated, but I talk myself out of that belief a few times a week lmao. Its a journey.

      • I bet they are reciprocated! I’m describing mine as a crush because it was the full on intense feeeelings and also because I believe love is what you do rather than what you feel, so crush was the best answer to differentiate from my long term love with my long term love.

        But it was a crushing sort of crush that fucked me up and turned me inside out and I checked out from normal life and could just as equally described it as falling head over heels in love, if I’m honest. Defo more than the doodling names in hearts in the margin of your notebook kind of crush, for sure.

        I heartily wish you had invented this thread about 9 months ago but am still happy for it now THANK YOU RENEICE!

        • mmmm thank you for saying/sharing this. I’ve definitely had soul crushing crushes before and its such a complicated and hard place to be/thing to navigate. I mostly felt angry with myself for caring so much which wasn’t super fair to me or my heart. If I could go back in time and be there for you 9 months ago I would!! Proud of you for making it out on the other side though. *hugs*

    • Just here to say that my two year anniversary of the beginning of a year long crush that made me realize I was gay is coming up (July 9th) and that I’ll probably always remember it?

      It ended when I met someone else who eventually broke my heart but now OG crush and I are super close and super flirty friends and it’s fun and not painful at all anymore. Winning!

      • I love this story so much! Sorry your heart got broken, but so happy to hear that you’re flirty friends with your first queer crush!! All the feels in this thread are just so gay and cute and great!

    • Oh my gosh you too?! I will feel kiiind of over mine and then something happens to rekindle the flames. Recently we’ve been txting again and that familiar feeling is back. I feel like we were writing about this last year! Mine is going on a year in July. I just can’t let go.

    • I have a crush right now. It’s one of those slow-build ones, the type that sneak up on you and surprise you when you realize that maybe her flirting was more serious than you thought, and by then it’s too late.
      I met her through work and by the time I understood what was actually happening, I had already said something to deep-six any chances.
      Now comes the slow process of cleaning up and getting over it; she deserves someone who can keep up with her.

  3. I am at a point where I want to stop having crushes on people I know because I know them. At least with celebs I know I 100% have no chance of it happening. But with people I know it’s like it could maybe happen or happen again? I still kind of have crush on the woman I was seeing as there is something about her that is delightful and great. I also at the moment have a small crush on this girl from tinder, but she’s in the high desert and I’m 120 mile away by the coast. Relatedly I just matched with queer who is mutuals with my regular coffee shop friends. Just talking to new people has been helpful in getting over that crush.
    As for crushes on people I don’t know, Carrie Brownstein straight up; she’s a nice Jewish girl, who is triple threat as they say. She can sing, dance, can act(funny too), and a total queer babe who kicks ass! I met her once at her book signing & I was a bit of a dork. I also had a crush on Mia Kirshner(Jenny), but I don’t see her acting as much anymore so I’ve moved on. I have thing for nice Jewish girls, because part of me is a nice(at least I liked to think I am) Jewish girl.

    How is everyone’s week going? It’s been well for me as currently not feeling that depressed about being on OKC and Tinder, getting matched with nice people will do that. I spent my Saturday night at LA LGBTQ center celebrating trans pride. Maybe I got there late, but I didn’t see who they honored this year if they did at all(last year it was Jeffrey Tambor, what a mistake). I felt safe and at home at the event, plus got to see the Trans Chorus of LA perform, not just sing, but some of them did stand-up and interpretive dancing. Alexandra Billings was there and sang, what I thought was a great cover of Radiohead’s Creep. She also talked about what it’s like having AIDS and mentioned her wife(didn’t realize she was married) a few times. After the show I went with some of the members of the chorus to the Eagle, gay leather bar mentioned in an article this week on this site. One of those weeks were it was positive for me.

    Next week I am meeting a few people and we are going rainbow roller skating. I am hoping to maybe to run into an autostraddle no filter celeb, like ERWB(who has been there before). If anyone in the SoCal area is free this Wednesday and wants to just hang among fellow lgbtq people you are more than welcome to join us.

    I spent Sunday taking a light hike but mostly driving back roads in Malibu, so no wildlife shots this week.

    Thank you for viewing and reading my post. Have a positive weekend!

    • is there a reason you wouldn’t want it to “happen” with someone you know? I have strict no crushes/dating/benefits with friends boundary cause I don’t like messy, but it definitely doesn’t extend to all the people i know or would consider acquaintances.

      • Well partially because it could get messy as you aforementioned. But, that’s a good point, it’s probably not everyone I know, as that would be limiting of my options.

      • Thank you for the compliment. Hopefully we all get to see nice views, whatever it maybe this weekend!

    • OkCupid & Tinder, sigh, I am on both. It annoys me how flakey people are. And maybe it is just in my area, but EVERYONE is looking for a unicorn. I am happy people are choosing to be truthful about what they want, but no I don’t want to be your “queen,” third, whatever you want to label it. And I don’t want to be poly with a womxn engaged, especially to a man. I always get weird vibes off most those folks.
      I’m cool with poly, but I am not an experiment, I can kind of tell that’s how some of these people see their bisexual poly practices. Specifically my experiences, not making a statement for all bi/pan/homoflexible post. Like I’m not a play thing y’all.
      Just looked up the dates my local roller derby team! I have to remember they are not all queer though. I don’t want to label an entire group of people, but I hope everyone I meet is queer as fuck.

      • I feel you on this, I see way to many women, more so on tinder with the unicorn emoji on their profile. Pansexuals use to tell me that was their emoji until cis m+f couples took it to mean lbtq woman willing to sleep with the couple. Odd enough I’ve even seen lesbian couples say they are looking for a unicorn(but also say meeting the kids are optional, and they weren’t talking pets). With w/w couples it’s usually femme/femme, or femme/tomboy femme, yet to see a butch or stud in the mix. I wonder why.

        I also feel you on the flaky, I’ve matched(and still am matched) with at least 5 people who never replied to me or even unmatch me. The only people who unmatch with me these days are the polyam couples, where the dude wants a cis woman(usually femme) and not trans woman-ish person. I take you are in a large city or metro area?

        I am personally exploring being polyam, but it’s kinda hard when the other partner usually is a cis dude, and rarely see one or both partners being trans. I never match with the women couples because I think they usually are also looking for a woman.

        • I’m kind of curious about this. I’m a cis woman married to a cis man. My other long term relationships before him were visibly queer from the outside (just to point out that I am not just curious and coming from clueless hetero land, and am familiar with the idea that people look for a unicorn). My husband and I have been together and monogamous for a long time but are in the middle of counseling and laying ground rules and working out boundaries for polyamory. We aren’t looking for someone together, just each of us have something we want to get out of this and it feels super different for each of us. I don’t want to look like a creep or a clueless hetero cis woman looking to experiment or impress her husband. I think that’s what I’m most afraid of, and living in a small city where I’m already engaged in the queer community, I don’t want things to get weird. But I am really excited about the idea of getting out there. Do you see polyam people who are in hetero seeming partnerships where they don’t read as unicorn seeking/experimenting etc?

          • I’ve seen this many times. The person I was seeing was in fact married to a cis het guy and makes it clear she’s poly and not looking for a married couple or doing this for her husband.

  4. My crush is dangerous because she is single, hot, funny, smart and likes me back … but I am in a (sometimes happy, sometimes terrible) monogamous relationship with my girlfriend of three years. I basically hate myself for having this crush even while secretly wishing she’d text me with some invented reason for us to hang out. Arrrrgh. *slaps self in the face*

    • Don’t hit yourself! Don’t hate yourself! This is totally normal! Especially when things are hard in your relationship. Theres nothing about being in a monogamous relationship that means you’re no longer going to crush on other people and have to feel terrible if you do. Is it a struggle because you find yourself wanting things with/from this person that wouldn’t be okay within the boundaries of your relationship?

      • I am SO touched by your compassionate words, Reneice. Thank you. I guess I just dislike that sensation of emotional dishonesty—being physically present with my GF while my mind is on this other tantalizing person. My crush and I really vibe when talking about ideas—music, art, current events, big-picture life plans—while my GF tends to be more rooted in quotidian day-to-day doings. I think it’s the brain-on-brain magnetism that makes my crush so perilous? (Well, that and her breathtaking forearms.) At any rate, I’ll try to be kind to myself—as well as to all involved parties—as things shake out!

        • Yes! Kindness all around! Also, maybe this could be a good opportunity to do some reflection and conversing with your partner about ways to feel more connected in your relationship?

    • Eek I’m on the other end of that equation over here (kind of)! My crush is a friend who’s in a serious monogamous relationship of several years (whereas I am in an open relationship, which may not last much longer). I haven’t yet received a hard confirmation that she likes me back – but my strong sense of intuition and signal-reading tells me she just might be in your kind of situation. Though I can’t say whether or not her relationship is sometimes happy, sometimes terrible. That description feels to me like maybe some reflection and dialogue on the current relationship is needed… are you sticking to it due to habit/sense of obligation, or because it’s what you really want and what will make you happy in the long term? (good luck figuring it all out!)

      • Ha ha. I suppose friend crushes are dicey no matter where you sit! As for my situation, my GF have been Working On Things for months, with juuuust enough growth/progress for me to feel truly torn about the relationship. Do I hang on in hopes that my GF and I just need more time to truly flourish? Or do I cut my losses and maybe see what happens with the dashing lazy_su_ in my life?

        I certainly hope YOUR crush chooses the latter route! :)

  5. oof one of my fav work moms has extra great hair rn (she’s probably pregnant again, idk why but this always = amazing hair)

    also look, i just started season 2 of Handmaids Tale? And i get it, i get it, the scene w Hannah in the hospital is meant to be chilling

    but i work in early childhood ed and rich workaholic parents pull that secret tylenol shit ALL THE TIME & i HATE IT & i was like. not feeling sympathetic AT ALL with our fearless heroine.

    literally just today a mom did that to us and guess what her infant probably has bronchiolitis, bronchitis or pneumonia & he literally choked and wheezed and struggled gasping for EVERY SINGLE breath for over an hour while we waited for her to come get him (she works from home 15 mins away) & we almost called 911, it was that bad! he was turning blue! I HATE HER SO MUCH

    so anyway yeah, don’t be that guy. wheezing and shortness of breath is 100% a reason to take ur infant to the ER.

    • on the phone :

      “wow, i mean we gave him a nebulizer treatment this AM w medicine left over from the last time this happened…”


  6. Perfect timing, I haven’t really had ANY crushes for months and months but in the last few weeks I have been seriously crushing on someone! It has been absolutely distracting but I’m happy for it. I am feeling a certain amount of calm and ease about this crush that I normal don’t feel. I think it is because I’m fairly certain it is mutual, I’ve often jumped to the conclusion that it was mutual but this time the signs making me think that are far clearer and actually possible. Like really good communication and clearly wanting to spend time with me. I just really am hoping I’m not wrong. It would be sooo nice for it to be different for me this time. I want to continue getting know this person and having the great conversations we have and looking at their very very cute face.

    • Love this! There’s definitely something different and special and lovely about knowing that the feelings are mutual. When you’re both showing clear effort and interest in each other, that’s just the best. So glad that’s how things are going for you! Very very cute faces are also the best :)

      • Well I may be better at not jumping to conclusions too early. But apparently still can’t tell between strong mutual platonic feelings and mutual not platonic feelings :/
        Still a lot to learn I guess. Crushes are draining and confusing

          • Yup, we hung out and I asked whether it was a platonic hangout vibe or like date, and they are feeling platonic feelings. So I have found a great new friend but not mutual crush.

  7. Oooo! This is also very relevant to my current interests. And my friends/partners are sooo soooo tired of hearing me gush. Okay so I have been crushing for 5 years. 5 fucking years. I don’t see them regularly anymore (we used to work together) so the super intense heavy OMFG crush feelings have been very cyclical (like several months of squeeing followed by several months of shrugging- rinse and repeat). 2 WEEKS AGO WE FINALLY DID THE THING WHERE WE GOT NAKED AND TOUCHED BITS AND KISSED AND CUDDLED AND wooooo let me tell you I think I might be dead. 5 years worth of sexual tension and flirting condensed into orgasm. My crush brain is like, “drop everything and run away to an island with them” but thankfully my crush seems to have a better hold of their feelings than me and is like “we should talk about what we are doing”. We agreed on FWB and it is the most perfect compromise for my logical brain and my crush brain. Logical me knows that I am actually really bad at being a girlfriend and end up hating it really quickly. Crushing-so-hard-I-might-actually-be-floating-right-now me is like let’s do everything together now and fuck me some more please. FWB allows me to do all of these things while staying somewhat in tune with my rational self. Currently I am making lots of nude art about it, including the cats-with-hearts-in-eyes emoji in any text message to anyone ever, listening to lots of R&B, masturbating like crazy, and singing instead of speaking approximately every other sentence. Oh and I’m for sure sparkling.

    • Wow wow wow wow wow wow my brain cant even comprehend the feeling of a 5 year crush orgasm. Um, i am SO happy for you! And this communication and coming to a place you’re happy with?! Stellar! Also…is the nude art available to view on instagram or something? haha That sounds like an amazing channel for crush feelings! Also also YES to constant masturbation. Its definitely my strongest coping skill hahaha.

      • Omg right?????? The fact that we were able to communicate was so so positive bc now I have all these gushy hormones that are coming in for positive reinforcement. Sometimes it can be scary or difficult but right now my body and mind are rejoicing together. I’m at work rn and do not have my nude art with me to upload but I would love to share it with you when I get home! Squuueeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!

        • omg this made me smile so so so so big! It’s just the cutest! And um CANT WAIT to see this art!!!

  8. I was texting with this girl on Tinder for forever, and, as we are living countries apart, I thought, let‘s not get a crush, right? Friendly friendliness.
    But then she mentioned how she had someone over for days and seeing them and I was heart broken anyway.
    All of my crushes end with rejection and dejection and I am over it tbh.
    I used to crush so hard and forever in my early and mid twenties, and I’m glad that’s kind of over. Sometimes, I wish, there would still be that spark, that excitement, that rush, but then, I‘m reminded of how demeaning and disappointing that whole business can be.
    In some way I’m just not good enough, hot enough, or just not enough enough, so I have to learn to be enough for myself.
    I‘m actually supposed to be on a Tinder date as we speak, but my request to situate the meeting place a little closer to me, like, within bikeable distance instead of all the way across the city (I‘m really tired from work) did not just garner a no, which would have been fine, but instead a whole tirade directed at me, how if I think that my time is more important than hers, she doesn‘t need that waste of time in her life.
    Holy shit.
    Yeah, I’m good enough for me.
    And sorry for being such a downer in the crush department. Just one of those..months? ?

    • Don’t be sorry! Crushing is not all happiness and butterflies. Rejection is def a real and common part of them which is so so hard. Though, it sounds like i don’t have to say this but that tinder date of yours sounds WAY off base and not worth your time. I don’t think relocating a date should be cause for a tirade. I also resonated with your intro story. I think for a long time the only crushes i felt comfy having were ones i knew i shouldn’t or knew wouldn’t/couldn’t go anywhere. It felt safe and i’d convince myself I was fine but then inevitably id end up sad about it. It’s definitely hard to keep having faith in crushing when positive outcomes are so rare, but when they do come around its really great. Also, please don’t be so hard on yourself! Things not working out is not a reflection of you not being enough, but i know it so so so feels that way. Its not true though!

      • You guys, thank you.
        I‘ve been mopey for the past couple of weeks, and yet here you are still sending me some virtual love!

    • No, your hope must live on!!! *hugs* Without your hope mine dies *crumples to floor*
      This is me though, totally me

  9. I miss having a crush. I think my brain has learned that they only lead to disappointment and won’t let me go there anymore.

    • Yeah, its hard cause by nature most crushes do lead to disappointment which can make them all seem like a huge scary waste of time. They’re also basically the only way to eventually find one that DOES lead somewhere you want it to, but I totally understand being in the “boy bye” space when it comes to crushes. What would you want to be different about the way you crush/the way yours go in order to enjoy them more?

      • Ha! You sound like my therapist. :) I do want to crush; I just think there’s been too much negative reinforcement. For now, I’m trying to put myself in situations where I will meet new queer women, but only situations that I’ll enjoy in and of themselves. I’m trying to avoid any pressure or feelings of failure that come with dating apps. It may or may not yield a crush/date, but at least I’m enjoying myself, learning new things, and helping queer-focused nonprofits.

        And thank you for your thoughtful reply to my comment! <3

  10. I feel like I always have about a million crushes at any given time, but never really recognized that was “uncommon” until I started dating my girlfriend. She’s two years younger than me, but we work(ed, I just graduated) for the same student paper, and nine times out of ten when I mention someone who used to work there (that she doesn’t know) it starts off with like, “This girl I used to have a crush on wrote this one time and it was cool!” One day my girlfriend asked how many people I’ve ever crushed on in my life and I didn’t even have a solid answer, because it’s literally so many people.

    I’ve always taken a really passive approach to crushing, because I’m always sort of worried that the women I’m interested in are either 1) Not also interested in women or 2) Are interested in women, but aren’t interested in me. I’m very much a “wait until they make the first move” sort of person, and then when the other party expresses interest I put more effort into the whole ordeal. I’d say generally I hate crushes, because I feel I’m really too obvious about it even though I try to be subtle. Although, I’ve been told by people that have had crushes on me that I am…too subtle. So who knows!

    Random thing that happened to me this week that I immediately knew I’d have to share in an open thread: I started my first “real job” about a month ago. It’s in a relatively conservative part of the US (Central Pennsylvania), but I’ve gotten the vibe that the coworkers in my department/my supervisor are more progressive. The other day my boss was checking up on me and out of the blue was like “Do people ever tell you that you look like…” and I was sort of expecting something stupid, because people have *never* told me I look like anyone even remotely famous, but then she said “…Rachel Maddow?” Which, I don’t think I do really do at all, but I said thanks and then added “I guess all lesbian journalists, look the same, I don’t know.” I was kinda worried that, maybe, me saying that was out of line, but later that night she was like “About what you said earlier…I just want to tell you that there are some people here who might give you grief for saying that, but I just want to let you know that if someone ever picks on you that we’ll deal with it, because that behavior won’t be tolerated here.” So, I guess I have a cool boss who’s ready to fuck up any Central PA homophobes who may be lurking around in my newsroom.

    • Your boss sounds lovely! So glad that you have someone ready and willing to advocate for you if it’s needed! Also, congrats on the job! It’s funny, your story kind of reminded me of my partner. She just crushes and crushes and crushes, always has at least one and has had tons. I’m more on the every once in a while side and honestly it sounds EXHAUSTING to always be crushing. How do you handle that? Or is it just more of a fun and flirty experience for you?

      • Thanks, I’m just really jazzed to be employed at all (even though it’s not my “dream job”)! Cool boss + doing work I enjoy is just a bonus.

        You sound a lot more like my girlfriend, who’s told me crushes are “a serious thing for her” and that she “could never like a million people at once” like I do. I don’t necessarily view it as “exhausting” because, like I said, I don’t put a lot of effort into pursuing crushes until I know the feelings are mutual. I’m a naturally flirtatious person (so I’ve been told), so a lot of it is just casual flirting that could be easily viewed as just normal humor + kindness. I’ve found a lot of my crushes don’t pan out romantically for a myriad of reasons, but most of the time I build pretty solid friendships by talking more to people I have crushes on.


    It’s not about the fierce competing until there’s blood on the floor (though I love that). It’s not about seeing my ships (possibly) rising to the top. It’s about the fact that yesterday I was looking through my old ship video playlist, and I was shocked by the fact that I had actually forgotten some of them. It’s time to remember and honor the ships of yesteryear, and of those not so long ago.

    BTW, here’s one of the videos I was watching.

  12. hnnnnnng i have been nursing a crush for… 6 months now? & it came on HARD & SUDDEN while my loooong term monog relationship was on its last legs (& is now over, but im still cleaning up the post-breakup mess)

    my crush & i are doing that Peak Gay thing where we talk every day!! all day!!! & flirt & make jokes about being married but haven’t said anything about our feelings, & i know im not in any place to be starting something again but y’all… she’s so cute & funny & sweet & (dreamy sigh)

    of course she lives 4 states away, which might be for the best? but if y’all knew how many times ive looked at plane tickets in the past month… IVE GOT IT BAD YALL ?

    • YOU GOT IT YOU GOT IT BAD! hahahha. oh man, looking up plane tickets is SUCH a peak crush move. I have beeeeeen there. Are you enjoying all the flirting and joking despite not being sure about the feelings? Also, way to have awareness that you’re not necessarily ready for anything beyond the crush at this point. Love that!

  13. Never had a crush on a person I knew, just sorta favourite actors I guess. Currently I am obsessed with Chris O’Donnell in NCIS:LA. I also love early seasons of Renee Felice Smith as Nell in the same show, but she’s gradually grown her hair and they seem to dress her in these outfits that I think just make her look frumpy :sad face: (also v. shallow of me, I know!) But I do love her being short but awesome at the physical stuff (like a young Hetty). There’s one ep where the bad guy attacks her and she stabs him multiple times and I’m just like, “You rock!” And I love how she calls Kensi “Lady”, because people calling women “girls” is so my pet peeve.

    • oh man, i struggle so much not to say girls! Thank you for this reminder. I’ll have to go watch an episode of NCIS:LA now and see who this badass character is!

  14. I am one year into have a crush on someone I really shouldn’t. I met her in the small town I live in and was smitten before I knew her situation— she’s the gf of a friend of mine. It was very intense for me for a bit, especially after finding a bit of her writing online and learning how her brain works. Now it’s not as constant but when I see her my heart beats so hard— something I really don’t feel very often. I’ve made my peace with the fact that we will never be close, but I’m still pretty haunted by the shadow of what might have been and guilt for crushing on a friends gf.

  15. I always manage to get crushes on the worst possible women. Of course have one on a former professor I’m now friends with, a former coworker, and my current boss. It’s just great I’m too weak when it comes to women in positions of power.

  16. Nice reference in the title Reneice! Best song.

    One of my crushes is of course on a straight woman (who fits the description of “Jolene” way too well) who’s lovely IRL. As is one of the news anchors that my partner works with. I’m usually fine around her bc well, her husband is her co-anchor. He’s lovely too.

    But the real bad one I’m trying to figure out what to do with is my chorus director. Not only is she a fellow queer person, she too is partners with a Trans woman. So we found that in common but idk she’s just great and smart and super fun to be around and blah. I think this one is okay because I know it’ll go nowhere (she loves her wife and babies something fierce and they’re all great) but it’s still a bit frustrating.

    Apparently having a monogamous long term relationship doesn’t stop you from having crushes. D’oh!

    • BLESS YOU FOR GETTING THE SONG REFERENCE IT IS THE BEST BEST SONG! Also, being monogamous absolutely does not protect against crushes! Biggest myth in the world haha. Crushes on straight women are so tough, I feel for you. It will subside eventually! As for the chorus director, could friends be an option?

      • YES of course! Heck yes it is haha. :D
        Friends is a good way to go I think. She’s fun to hang out with outside of chorus. That has however only been as a double date with our respective partners but now I just have to gain the ~courage to ask her on a friend date solo lol. Thank you!

  17. Hooooo buddy this is so relevant to my interests that I had to remake my account in order to comment.

    So I recently started learning muy thai/thai boxing in an all-women’s class at a gym in my city. There are two instructors who divide the teaching duties between them. They’re both super cute and the Sunday instructor looks like Furiosa, but Tuesdays and Thursdays are the most difficult bc the instructor has dark hair and buff arms and dimples for days, which are my Greatest Weaknesses. Also there’s this thing in muy thai called clinch which is kind of like grappling while standing, and whenever she has to demonstrate something in clinch she tends to use me bc we’re the same height. Moral of the story, I spend a lot of time screaming “DON’T MAKE IT WEIRD” to myself.

    • I’m just saying…if this were a movie or TV show i would watch it with EXTREME focus and attention. my goodness! And like…sure its just cause you’re the same height that she always demonstrates on you. sure sure suuuuure ;-)

      • Holy smokes, Queen Bae! So glad for this thread. WE ALL NEED TO TALK. After years of being a cold, emotionless pit, I’ve come to love crushes with a passion. Friend crushes, intellectual crushes, style crushes, camp crushes, stranger-at-the-grocery-store crushes, professional crushes. There’s so many different types! What I (now) love about experiencing crushes is that they serve as a reminder of what I am putting out into the world and how far I’ve come from the aforementioned pit; why do I tune into certain people & what does that tell me about my thoughts, decisions (both good and bad) and feelings? In terms of acting on crushes – I don’t always but when I do, it’s with what I hope is consensual intent and no expectation of reciprocity. There’s something very liberating in sharing with a person how special they are to me in whatever way I’m crushing on them – romantic, platonic, physical/intellectual attraction, etc. Telling people point-blank how I feel about them i.e. ‘You’re my X crush,’ has gotten me some beautiful friendships, short and long term relationships, travel pals and above all, a community of support. ?

  18. Omg I am crushing so hard right now so this is timely.I haven’t had a crush on anyone in literally years and the last one involved a person who was never going to reciprocate my feelings. This one though may work out and oh wow what a difference that makes, it’s wild!

    • Yaaaaay! I hope it DOES work out, what do you think is different this time around?!

      • Thank you! :) I’m just a lot more confident and at peace with myself than I was back then. Turns out girls dig that!

  19. At the moment, I don’t have any crushes. So I use TV and movies as an escape. So I crush on women on TV and movies :D

    • Who are your current tv/movie crushes? I’m still not over Carol and am currently crushing on Luisa from Jane the Virgin :D

      • Luisa is SO HOT. Also, i will forever crush on Samira Wiley in any and everything she does.

  20. Reneeeeeice! Hi! I don’t have a crush right now because I just got out of a relationship and want time for myself! But when I do get crushes, I befriend the person and hope they start crushing on me. I’ve learned that making people laugh is the best way to get them to like me. I’m also taking a queer literature class next quarter so I’m sure I’ll meet plenty of cool people to crush on soon :D

    • Hahahaha oh man meeting a crush in a queer lit class is the cutest gayest thing and i REALLY can’t wait for that to happen. Also, smart move befriending your crushes first. Does it usually work?

      • Yeah it does! My last gf developed a crush on me because I would make her laugh and do stuff like put my head on her lap and talk about gay stuff. She even identified as straight before meeting me haha.

        • omg that is too cute! Also lolololol to you helping her out of the closet :) This story reminded me of a meme I saw a while back that said

          “Her: ‘I’m straight’
          Me: ‘so is spaghetti until its wet and hot'”

          I died.

  21. This may be the cheesiest thing I’ve ever written, but I got married last week and I’m crushing so hard on my wife right now. Also that’s the first time I’ve typed “my wife”. We’ve been together for 6+ years and I guess this last week or so has been a reminder of how amazing she is and how lucky I am, which often gets lost or taken for granted during day to day life.

    Also I know I’m super late to this party, but I’ve been developing a bit of a Cate Blanchett crush lately.

    • Well this is the sweetest freakin thing i’ve ever heard! CONGRATULATIONS! You have a wife! If you wanna share any cute photos i’d love to see! This is just so so great and so so sweet. Also, welcome to the Cate Blanchett crush club. I could you not really?

      • Thank you! It was a tiny wedding on a beach in Maui with just 8 guests and no official photographer, so I’m still waiting on people to send me their photos, but here’s one that pretty well captures it. I’m already fidgeting with my ring and making faces. She’s as cool as ever.

    • It is entirely reasonable to join the Cate Blanchett train a bit late. Like, I already had a bit of a Cate Blanchett crush, but all the Ocean’s 8 business just took it to another level.

  22. I may have created another account to answer this question, because, oh Reneice, my insides are like molten honey thinking of the crushes I have…

    Crushes on two friends where the potential feels electric. And I so very much don’t want to compromise that friendship, so it’s tightrope time.

    Also things are complex, but if this had been next week’s FOT I might not have needed to change accounts, for reasons.

    So…I’ll see how the next steps go…

    • There is so much suspense and mystery in this comment that I just don’t know what to do but I want all the updates! I hope you’ll come back next week with those updates!

      Also, molten honey as a descriptor of crush feelings is just SO right…i might steal this.

  23. Only peripherally related, but should you find yourself on the Social Media Page of your crush and are sitting the way the person in this FOT image is sitting, be prepared for the possibility that you might drop your phone on your face and accidentally “like” something with your nose.

  24. I only have crushes on women who are at least 15 years older than me. Which is okay, especially if they’re almost certainly straight anyways and almost certainly in monogamous relationships and therefore I don’t have to actually do anything about my feelings. (drawback is it took me ages to decide/discover if I was queer or not since I have literally never had a crush on anyone in my own age bracket regardless of gender)

    I have a long-standing crush on a regular customer who comes through the drive-through I work in, and she used to come in all the time with her “partner” (sounds gay but she’s a cop, another thing which gives me conflicted feelings about this all) and she hadn’t come through when I was working in a couple months but she came through the other day and I was like omgomgomg on the inside. One time at the order box she knew who I was from my voice and I was like omgomgomg on the outside. Even though lots of regulars can do that but whatevs. Clearly it was a manifestation of her mutual feelings towards me :P

    A couple months ago I was nursing a serious crush on this woman who was volunteering in the same music as I was and I would literally go on days that I didn’t have to just to see if she was there. I’m pretty sure we had an actual flirting vibe going on (I can’t tell, because I don’t flirt and I can’t tell when people are flirting with me), or at least she didn’t respond negatively to my sad attempts at flirting which she probably thought was just me being nice. But she’s also married (to a fella) with children. I almost got up the courage to ~think~ about asking if she was non-monogamous and queer a couple of times and wanted hang out sometime but it’s probably good I didn’t because that would’ve been complicated no matter which way that convo went.

    I like having crushes though. Since I only crush on older women and I’m in a long-term (open) relationship with a straight cis-man who I love dearly, I sometimes just need a little zing of feelings to make me feel super alive even if I never pursue anything.

    • Thats so interesting that you only crush on women! What do you think it is about older women that gets your hormones all stirred up?

      • Haha I’ve always wondered about that myself. It feels like something someone would go get psychoanalyzed about in the 1930s or something. Maybe I’m just just fucked up. Just kidding. I think I like the implied power dynamic. Who really knows. I’ve always thought that my brain is wired a bit different from “normal” people and I think this is just one of the ways it manifests.

    • “zing of feelings to make me feel super alive”

      THAT’S IT ! What I’m kinda missing these days

    • right there with you re: only having crushes on women 15 years (or more) older! the women i crush on are also generally married with kids. i think it’s a craving structure thing — i’m 20, and older women seem secure in themselves and stable in their lives in a way that most of my peers aren’t.

  25. It’s strange to admit, given my prior experience with crushes, but I don’t currently have a crush on anyone. This may, of course, have a lot to do with the fact that most of the LGBTQIA+ people I interact with are 18-24 and I’m 37, and the fact that I’m busy trying to finish up this degree at long last. That said, this is a positive thing as my experience with crushes hasn’t been exactly… positive. It used to be an easy assumption that if I had a crush on a woman she was A) Straight B) In a relationship C) Generally not interested in me D) Some combination of A, B, and C.

    • Ha, yeah I can imagine if most of the people i interacted with were teens to early twenties I wouldn’t be crushing much either. Can I ask what the story of your last crush was?

      • The story of my last crush actually ended in one date. I had just arrived at this university (at the tender age of 32; bloody hell, I’ve been here a long time), and I met a woman who was about to graduate. For some reason, I was quite taken with her and asked her out. We had one successful date, but she didn’t want to go any further. So that was that. She graduated in 2014, and I haven’t heard a word from her since (it might be different if I hadn’t quit Facebook in 2015 due to concerns over privacy and their business practices, but such is life).

  26. I’m in the “always has a million crushes at once” boat. The weird thing for me is that over the past few years, only a few of my crushes have been on people I actually find physically attractive. I’m definitely not on the ace spectrum, it’s just that my brain seems to have decided I’m going to have massive romantic but not sexual crushes on friends. It’s kind of annoying. Mostly, having crushes on friends in general leads to me putting less effort into the friendship so they will never know I’m crushing on them! Which is really counterproductive. ??‍♀️ I have one friend I’ve had a massive crush on for years who lives in another country, and I basically stopped talking to him online because I was so afraid he’d figure out my crush and I’d be humiliated.

    Right now, there’s someone in my life who I have feelings for that I know are mutual. I keep trying to explain to him that I just don’t think the timing is right for me to start something with him right now, because it feels like it would be a very serious relationship very quickly and I don’t have the emotional capacity for that in my life at the moment, and he keeps taking it as “I’m letting you down easy.” I know he’s working on getting over me and I wish he wouldn’t. We’re both in non-monogamous relationships, so it’s not like either of us is going anywhere! Maybe the timing will be better at some point – I can see us fitting together scarily well (though he is one of the aforementioned people that I’m not super physically attracted to). I don’t know, I just don’t want to let go of this possibility entirely.

    Mostly I am intensely focused on a particular celebrity crush these days, which is alternately giving me the highest highs and making me completely miserable (because of course I know it’ll never happen, this person is SUPER famous, but that doesn’t stop me from dreaming/wishing/fantasizing… which does actually hurt sometimes).

    I’m noticing that everyone I’ve mentioned so far is a guy, which is interesting to me, as I’m very bisexual but have only dated women and nonbinary people as an adult (not on purpose, just who I met and fell for). I wonder if that has any meaning or is just a coincidence.

    • Good for you for knowing what you want/are capable of giving right now! Also that must be hard to have crushes affect your friendships in a way that makes you feel like you need to disengage. Do you think it would ruin the friendships if you were honest, even if they didn’t feel similarly?

      • Good question! In some ways I feel like I have nothing to lose, especially with this friend who I haven’t talked to at all in months and really miss. In other instances, I can see things getting so awkward I don’t know how to bounce back from it. That’s the piece that keeps me afraid, I guess.

  27. I only have Twitter friend crushes. Which aren’t proper crushes but just, DAMN I wish we lived in the same place WE’D BE IRL BESTIES!

    This doesn’t go with the fun topic of this week’s FOT, but I wanted to mention that we had to let our precious TyLoup go on Wednesday, since I’ve shared pictures on here several times over the years. And to remind everyone that adopting seniors is the best. The perfect furrbaby for you might be in their golden years, don’t let that scare you off. Even though he was already almost 11 and dogs his size usually don’t live much past 12, we got nearly 6 years together and we wouldn’t trade them for anything.

    I’ve been watching a lot of Wynonna Earp lately and I kept thinking “I can’t judge Doc or Waverley, I’d make a deal with the devil himself for my dog.”

    world's best dog with ball in his mouth looking perfect

    I guess one way to bring this back around to theme is to note that the quickest way to kill a crush for me is to find out she doesn’t love dogs. :p

    Hope you all have a wonderful weekend.

    • Noooo!
      I‘m so sorry! I loved those pics of your wolf!
      Feel warmly embraced! My biggest condolences, really!

      • Thank you. It helps to know his sweet face bright smiles near and far.

        At least it was clear when it was time and we weren’t left with any doubt and he didn’t suffer too much. I’d been so worried he’d go while I was away finally going home to visit family for the first time in 4.5 years, but I got to be there for him, his little head cradled in my hand.

    • oh dogs are the best. sorry for your loss but i’m so glad you had so many wonderful years with this sweet guy. sending love ?

    • Wow, im so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing this sweet photo and memories.

    • Sorry for your loss, @rachelwashere.

      Those extra six years you got with him is a real testament to the power of love. Hope others are inspired by your story to adopt a senior dog.

      • Thanks @queergirl he was the absolute best and not having him around is the worst* but I am happy his sweet face brought you some joy.

        Here’s two more photos I found online that his last owner shared on a forum of him living it up on the beach a full 10 years ago:

        world's best dog being a goof at the beach

        world's best dog enjoying a walk

        *relative worst, the world is sadly full of things that are objectively worse but at least we have dogs

  28. Multiple flaming crushes, pretty much at all times—they’re both the best (that Scorpio secrets lifestyle) and inconvenient because I have to be careful to arrange my face/body language around said crushes in friend or work settings where they must necessarily remain secret.

    Also a few crushes on Autostraddle writers, obviously.

    • Just curious, what do you think would happen if you didn’t hide the crushes?

        • Such good questions, Reneice! Mostly I don’t want to make it awkward with coworkers/friends. Plus so many (including me) are not single. But I’m hoping to be braver on that count in the future :) and my secret AS writer crushes are omg so many of you

  29. I can count the number of crushes I’ve had on one hand, mostly because I really need to know someone before I can like them.

    However I am absolutely in love with MY NEW JOB AS A PUBLICITY ASSISTANT AT A CHILDREN’S PUBLISHER!!! It’s full time! And permanent! I mean, I officially start on 2nd July but I’m sooooo excited. I spent all afternoon reading my new contract and filling out forms and seeing my name printed next to my new role gets me more excited than I thought I would be :DDDDD.

  30. I have crushes on basically all of my friends all of the time, but they’re more of the “I WANT TO STAY UP ALL NIGHT TALKING TO YOU” kind not the “I WANT TO SMASH MY BODY AGAINST YOUR BODY IN A CONSENSUAL MANNER” kind, and honestly I prefer the former vastly to the latter.
    I don’t really enjoy romantic crushes. I find them frustrating and tiresome, and they take up a lot of headspace I’d rather be devoting to other things.
    That said, I’m feeling very bisexual lately, having two romantic crushes on two people of different genders.
    There’s this girl, who is funny and gorgeous and incredibly smart, and somehow very into me(which is a surprise, I never understand when people that spectacular are interested in me), but unfortunately she’s an 8-hour drive away, and also has 10 years on me, which is a little bigger of an age difference than I want right now.
    Then there’s this boy, who is smart and dances(I’m very into the local lindy hop community, so that’s a big plus for me), and is studying social welfare and is active in local social justice groups(another swoon-worthy thing for me). And he is very friendly whenever I see him, but I’m not sure if that’s because he likes me or if it’s just that he’s new to the dance scene and I’m one of the few people he knows there. But I’m wary of dating men again, and have my doubts about whether he’d even be into a somewhat masc.-of-center awkward bisexual weirdo like me.

    So I’m a bit at a loss right now as I’m rather eager for these swirly-stomach-feelings and obsessively-thinking-about-them to go away so I can go back to my simple spinster lifestyle.

    • Okay, I feel like we are crush twins with the intolerance for the swirly obsessive thinking madness. I do have to say, umm spectacular people are interested in you because you are spectacular. Obviously! Don’t tell yourself/think anything differently! Also, a few people have pointed out the difference between a physical crush and an emotional one and I love that/don’t think about it often but they totally are two different beasts. (almost typed breasts hahaha)

      • Hahahaa, sometimes, I’m sure, they are two different breasts. I’m glad I’m not the only one who is done with crush madness!
        I’m sure there must be reasons that spectacular people are interested in me, but the deeply conditioned self-loathing is hard to get over sometimes, so at best it’s a pretty pleasant surprise still.

  31. Soooo I have a major crush on my girlfriend. I wrote this about a trip we took like 2 weeks into the relationship and things are still soooooo good and I think I’m in love? And I think we’re gonna move in together? And I haven’t told that to anyone yet but this open thread is the perfect time, I guess; thanks reneice! I thought I would never be in love cuz I’m a big ol trans lesbian monogamist etc but HEY! Maybe love is real. Who knows. Anyway ?

    • You just had to come in here and make me cry huh? Abeni! This is so beautiful! I’m so happy and excited for you! I love that you’re in love! I hope you know im hugging you and jumping up and down and squealing like a teen girl right now in spirit!

    • Abeni this is so sweet, you are making me cry in an airport lounge??? it’s probably partially sleep deprivation but definitely partially the sweetness of this as well. congratulations!!

    • Tag yourself

      I’m barely buttoned white shirt in low slung darkwash jeans.

      Somebody out there is fancy bucket hat, I want to know you.

  32. Oh gosh. I finally just acted on the first really big crush I’ve had in a while. They’re not my usual type in certain ways but in other ways, so so perfect. Ughhhhh they just asked what they can call me to other people and I am losing my mind. Trying to be cool, failing.

  33. Okay so my current crush is this girl from work (they always are ’cause stupidly I never socialise with people outside of work). She’s bisexual, recently separated from her husband who she has been with since she was 16 and now just looking to make the most of not being in a committed relationship (which is cool with me ’cause I’m not really a serious relationship kind of person and tbh my feelings for her are more sexual than anything else). We have been hanging out at/after Friday work drinks quite a bit recently and I just feel really comfortable being myself around her, which is kind of rare for me. For the first time in a long time I am actually considering doing something about it; usually my crushes are on straight girls so I just ride it out and hope they don’t notice. I think she’d probably rather not go there with someone she works with, but I’m actually okay with being rejected ’cause I think she would be cool about it.

  34. Um uh I have lil bit of a crush on a character I created which feels like dork-est thing ever.

    The way she looks I’m pretty sure was influenced by Cleo from Set It Off and my own experiences of cuddling certain body types. But the prosthetics and facial scarring might be Jet from Cowboy Bebop and a bit of The Hound. She’s a “do no harm but take no bull” kinda person, some people mistake kind and friendly for a weakness and gullibility which is definitely a mistake.
    I’m outwardly frosty but I’m not deluded enough to think friendly people are idiots. They’re often just sneakier and braver in dealing with bullshit.

    Lastly she’s a mech pilot and I have a thing for heavy machinery so uh developing a crush was inevitable. Her girlfriend is certified in flying really fast small crafts which Ri finds terrifying and hot at the same time.
    She’s 6 foot 1 to her girlfriend’s 5 foot 3 petite power-pack self.

    My week was great and contained my birthday.
    As presents I got 2 morning buns and a pop tarte (basically a square crostata) from a patisserie and had them for breakfast 3 separate days, a gorgeous very handy recipe stand and this book

    Bread Illustrated: A Step-By-Step Guide to Achieving Bakery-Quality Results At Home published by America’s Test Kitchen

    Finally as a gift to myself I made a lemon buttermilk cake, what I did not know was that the recipe I was using was a Culinary Institute of America recipe until I was waiting to glaze the cake. It was also my first bundt cake also, only lost a little bit of smile shaped crust when I turned it out too early.

    The buttermilk was left over (all the store had was 32oz giants) from making buttermilk spice muffins as a Father’s Day gift to the person who always made the muffins and taught me how to check when they’re done.
    So uh thanks Reneice you helped me make 2 gifts with enough left over to make a 12 count batch of drop biscuits.

  35. Holy smokes, Queen Bae! So glad for this thread. WE ALL NEED TO TALK. After years of being a cold, emotionless pit, I’ve come to love crushes with a passion. Friend crushes, intellectual crushes, style crushes, camp crushes, stranger-at-the-grocery-store crushes, career crushes. There’s so many different types! What I (now) love about experiencing crushes is that they serve as a reminder of what I am putting out into the world and how far I’ve come from the aforementioned pit; why do I tune into certain people & what does that tell me about my thoughts, decisions (both good and bad) and feelings? In terms of acting on crushes – I don’t always but when I do, I try not to have any expectation of reciprocity. There’s something very liberating in sharing with a person how special they are to me in whatever way I’m crushing on them – romantic, platonic, physical attraction, etc. Telling people point-blank how I feel about them i.e. ‘You’re my X crush’ has gotten me some beautiful friendships, short and long term relationships, travel pals and above all, a community of support. ??

  36. Oh my, do I have a crush! I mean, presumably it’s still a crush if we had two maybe-dates this spring but I am not quite sure how things stand, right? She’s a student from a different year in my department, and I got to know her mostly this past semester through a seminar about the colonial Andes, some casual feminist gatherings, and protest-planning. It took me a couple of months to gather up the nerve to ask her in April, but the timing was admittedly less than ideal, since she had general exams and the semester was about to end. Now we’re in different parts of the world until the fall – I’m in Lisbon researching for a month and keep thinking of her. BRILLA. Women who have a way with words…ay! And she’s gorgeous. I don’t know what she thinks of me or if the timing would be any better, in the grand scheme of things, in the fall. You know how it is, though: I hope anyways. (querida, si por alguna razón sí lees esto y reconoces alguna frase, pienso en ti)

  37. Yeah, crushes are all I get to have at the moment. I’m trans and I’m over fifty, and in queer terms, Glasgow is a really small town. I’ve had one FWB fling since I transitioned, and she’s now married to what looks like the love of her life (and I’m really happy for her). All the women about my age are either coupled up or grew up in a time and place that was … less than accepting of trans people. I get to fall regularly for people who for different reasons, just aren’t into me…

    – My straight best friend. Near my age, an amazing woman, kind, funny, badass; an airline captain. She’s adamant that she’s straight, although she pings everyone’s gaydar. Fair enough, we’ve agreed that we love each other ‘all other things besides.’

    – A butterfly. Sweet, delightful, she falls in and out of love all the time with different boys and girls, then comes back to me for hugs and comfort. We’ve never got together although we’ve kissed and flirted a couple of times. Last time I saw her she told me she loved me, and I gave her a cartoon about how I love her. The next week, she sent me a poem she’d written to her latest crush, some guy where she lives.

    – Someone far away. Another amazing woman, a filmmaker I met at a festival. She gave me her email address and let me kiss her goodbye.

    – A poly possibility? I fall for talented women; this lady is an artist, in a long-term relationship which I understand is open to flings. She flirts with me whenever we meet, but it’s never gone any further.

    – A new friend. Smart, funny, an academic and a poet, she seems to like me quite a lot but her life is rammed with stuff for the foreseeable. Fair enough, we’ll be friends.

    – Someone half my age. A gifted poet, we studied together. She praises me to other people – including her mother – and likes to snuggle with me when she’s been drinking, but isn’t into women, she says. When I joked much later that I was disappointed at that, said ‘people change…’ Currently travelling halfway around the world from me and says she misses me. I miss her too.

    That’s the current list – there have been others which have mellowed into friendships or fallen apart dramatically; some of my crushes have come from loneliness and not keeping good boundaries. These days I’m trying to stay open to possibilities without falling so hard for anyone. I live in hope.

  38. Okay this is SO timely!! Thanks to autostraddle for always reading my mind!

    I’ve had probably the hardest year of my life personally. I literally didn’t think I was going to emerge from how painful everything was. I LOVE love, but my heart felt like a lump of coal.

    But nowwww its the summer and Pride and WOW it’s full of babes! It feels like I never meet ANYone but then when it rains it pours! I have one crush in particular that feels like an old school stomach flip type situation and was totally unexpected! Swoon! She is SO cute and hilarious and the chemistry was pretty immediate and it’s totally disarming. We have been texting and it’s cute and great but she is SUPER recently single so I don’t really know what to DO!

    Yay for crushes! Yay for Pride! Yay for Autostraddle

  39. Honestly what a timing? I havent had a crush in about 2 years?
    But i was on vacation in Europe and i met this extremly cute girl at a concert. We grabbed a beer after and one more time before i left thw city, but i dont know if she actually wants to keep in touch or she was just super nice? Hell i dont even know if shes interested.
    I dont even live in europe so there isnt even the slightest chance that anything can happen but now i just wait to see if she will text me now that im home. I havent stopped thinking of her and im not used to having feelings? So thank god i can gush on this open thread!
    I know there is a zero chance and i dont even know if shes gay, but she is so cute and pretty. Wtf.
    In a way i hope she wont text so i can put it behind me ?

  40. Funny this should be the topic for FOT this week, I was just thinking how I usually have a bushel-basket of crushes happening all at once but not so much these days, and how unusual that is for me.

    Well, OF COURSE I’m crushing on all the AS staff, and on a few of the commenters might I add. You glorious bunch of babes.

    On a positive note, a serious crush I’ve had for a few years has now evolved into a terrific queer-platonic friendship. It’s truly wonderful and supportive. Laneia had a hand in helping me with this so Yay!

    My only other crush feels… inappropriate. She’s the manager of an establishment I frequent regularly. I’m positive she knows I’m crushing because I’m kinda obvious about it, and, crap, I’m embarrassed. I want to backpedal so bad. It’s an awful feeling could someone please call an exorcist to get this guilt-ridden catholic schoolgirl out of my body help !!

    I miss the innocence of crushes past.

  41. hoooooo boy is this the thread for me! i’m a serial crusher, a daydreamer, and an intense, obsessive personality type. real leo shit!
    i’m that person who always ends up with crushes on professors — my primary love language is words of affirmation, and when people you admire and want to be when you grow up keep sending back essays with glowing comments about how brilliant you are, it’s hard not to fall for them a little bit. praise and affirmation are powerful aphrodisiacs! so i’m pretty much always running a mild to moderate infatuation with some older woman in the english department.
    can i tell you all a buck wild story about someone who has a crush on me? i made out with some freshman girl (yikes) at a friend’s party and we went on one coffee date after. it was fun but i was so busy i never texted her back and i didn’t hear anything from her so whatever, i figured it was nothing. this was like six months ago. but just a few weeks ago she came up to me on campus (how did she know where i hang out? has she been watching me?), presented me with an iced coffee, told me i was a real catch and she wants to pursue something, AND THEN proceeded to hand me a DATING RESUME on pink construction paper. one side had “resume stuff” like “lesbian achievements: once finished half of edward forty hands” and “can teach you how to surf.” the back side had her entire natal chart. (she’s a virgo sun/sag rising, fwiw.) we did get coffee again and she’s cute and pretty sweet. she laughs at everything i say. i can’t tell if i should marry this goofy gal or run very far in the opposite direction. what say you, straddlers?

    • This is the cutest thing i have EVER heard and I vote marry. but you know…in a few years…

      • all of my non-lesbian friends have voted “run fast and run far” and all of my lesbian friends have voted “marry her.” there’s a meaning to this pattern, i’m sure of it.

  42. OH GOSH how have i only had time to comment on this thread now!!

    I am a historically intense and frequent crusher, but over the last year or two that’s faded away a little as some mental + physical health problems have kind of drained me of much ~desire~. THAT BEING SAID, my crushy tendencies are starting to trickle back a little which I’m very excited about.

    Usually I just have crushes on the people around me in everyday life, but since I’ve started a degree at a quite conservative/normative university, that is no longer the case — so I spend a lot of time having internet crushes instead. At the moment I have a very intense crush on someone from OKC who I have never met in real life OR TALKED TO — I reactivate my account once every few weeks, look longingly at their profile for 7-10 minutes, and then immediately deactivate it again so that they don’t see me. This is creepy, right?? This is creepy. I should stop, or at least talk to them.

    (To be fair, their profile does say they’re looking for non-monogamous dating, which is something I’m not hugely into, so I feel like my hesitation is somewhat justifiable.)

    but OH MY GOSH! yay crushes! this thread is inspiring to get my body and mind back in full working order just so I can fully throw myself into a life full of crushes (and occasionally being crushed, probably)

  43. Oh, my god, this is just an adorable FOT to read through. I’m getting over an intense, month long crush (I no longer see this human, so I’m bouncing back faster than normal which is nice), but now I’m a little worried because I tend to find a “replacement” crush swiftly after the inevitable disappointment fades. It leaves me feeling like I’m carrying around a big, gay time bomb that will go off unexpectedly and plunge me once more into the discomforts of crushing adoration. Sigh.

    On the bright side, I only ever crush on one woman at a time. I feel for you multiple crushers after reading through these posts. My head would explode.

    Somewhat unrelated, I think I want to try and connect with the queer groups at my Uni this summer, which is terrifying because I’m not out at home, and I have really bad social anxiety. I’ve  started to notice my isolation getting to be a major depression trigger though, and since my home, workplace, and local community are filled with primitive minded straight people (most of whom are armed with dangerously large and heavy bibles), school is probably my safest bet for a social life of sorts. It’s one of those things I’m sure I’ll be glad I did afterwards, but still…anxiety sucks :/

  44. Funny, this is sort of relevant for me right now.

    So I totally had this crush on a girl that was (as far as I knew) completely straight. And I was literally INSANE for this girl. She knew it, took advantage of me, used me, and tossed me in the dirt over and over again and I just kept crawling back to her.

    Eventually she started reciprocating, wanting to cuddle, coming on to me.. and at the same time she was driving a knife in my back talking with my ex and telling them everything I was saying and doing.

    Obviously I cut ties with her, and it’s been a few years, but she texted me to apologize and I stupidly let her back in. I’m afraid because for some reason, despite all of the pain that she’s put me through I have a huge soft spot for her. I’m afraid the feelings never faded and I’ll end up being used and abused all over again.


    • I can relate to this. I was caught in a similar situation years ago and it took me forever to get out of that snare. I also kept letting her back in. It was I think the first time I took a chance on loving myself first, that was how I finally broke free, by acknowledging her cruelty and that I was worth more than that.

      Plus I kept flashing on the scene from the movie The Blue Angel, where the professor is getting egs cracked on his head and he’s crowing like a rooster, in total humiliation. THAT image sobered me up big time.

      The movie is a total train wreck in that it’s horrifying but so fascinating at the same time you can’t stop watching (at least I couldn’t). It changed my mind about crushes, from something full of angst and woe, to something joyful and, as Alistair said, full of zing.

      Now I make sure that I’m having fun during my crushes or I try like heck to back out ! (my current situation, grrf)

      • I’ve never seen the movie but I’ll have to watch it now :P

        I’d love to have the same views you have about it.

        Good luck with your current situation, and thanks!

  45. Okay i have a completely weird crush . In one of the photos of Melania Trump wearing that ‘i don’t care’ jacket there’s one where she’s entering her car, and a security person is holding the door for her. Im crushing hard on that security person woman, i dont know if shes secret service or whatever, but shes looks so hot and competent in that shirt and that serious expression. I might even be in love.

    • … I had to check it out, and, yup ! Totally crush-worthy.

      How she must hate her job some days, though.

      • Lol thanks for the validation.

        Yeah you’re right it must absolutely suck somedays.

  46. At the beginning of the year I had what I thought was a regular straight-girl crush on a new woman at work. Except it turned out she wasn’t so straight after all, much to my surprise (and hers). And she was bold and up front about how she felt (where I would’ve just happily harbored my crush silently forever) and eager to give us a shot even though I was worried about a work relationship.

    Now it’s June and it’s still a thing and I couldn’t be happier about it.

  47. I’m so late to this but I love crushes access I’m one of those people who has a couple of small-time crushes every now and then but also huge monster 10-year crushes whose intensity comes and goes in swells like someone else mentioned, so I would have so many stories to tell.

    Like the one girl and one guy I’ve liked since first year of college (11 years ago, no not kidding), and how one of them doesn’t talk to me anymore and one of them keeps saying they want to meet up when I’m back in the US but then flaking when we try to make plans.

    And my amazing girlfriend of 2 years who I fell so hard for and have such a huge crush on. I’ve never felt like this about anyone and she still surprises me with how cute and sweet and kind and smart she is.

    And how dating is difficult if you’re looking for people who are poly or cool with it, and people who aren’t cis straight guys. I just don’t feel a click with people that often and they all seem to want to meet up?

    And how I dated a guy I really liked but it turned out he couldn’t really access / talk about his feelings so we ended it but I’m still attracted to him which is just annoying :/

    But it was nice to read everyone else’s stories! I wish everyone luck with pursuing things with their crushes, or with enjoying the feeling and not doing anything about it, or with enduring the feeling and distracting themselves until it fades :)

  48. Also late to the party. I used to get crushes regularly, maybe one at a time. I might have a friend who was cute and I would get flustered and silly around them, I would joke with other friends when I would see them and fumble around. Then I got into my current relationship and no joke, I had not a single crush and I couldn’t even remember having any flirty moments for 8 whole years! Close to 9 really. I just kind of stuffed down any feelings I might have and I guess forgot about that side of my life? Even in my relationship I feel very not flirty/sexual etc…

    Then all of the sudden after all those years I started feeling myself again, still can’t put my finger on what changed. I felt like a sexual creature, and maybe 6 months after I got my groove back, I met someone. That was a year ago. I am wildly attracted to this person. Their personality is like a foil for everything I find annoying or downright frustrating about my spouse’s personality. The spark and the energy I feel between us is intoxicating, and the fact that I don’t share responsibility with them during an extremely responsibility-heavy and emotionally burdensome season of life definitely adds to this.

    All of this swirls together into the most consuming crush environment I’ve ever experienced. I confided my feelings to them last year and my crush was reciprocated too, which compounded my feelings x a million. I think I would have crushed hard on this person during another time in my life but it wouldn’t have the sweetness of escape and maybe my fantasy life wouldn’t keep slipping into, like, coparenting with someone without constant griping and frustration.

    Nothing ever came of it, I’m still in the same kind of soul crushing grind of a non-exciting marriage while coparenting very young kids and parents getting older. Whenever correspondence starts up again between us I get that ache in my teeth and pull in my heart. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over this crush.

    That said, the idea that someone I’m attracted to could also be attracted to me made me open up to flirting more. The energy I got from this has reminded me that being my age and a mom doesn’t mean I am sexless and unattractive, despite what I grew up thinking. So I’ve been more open to talking to other people in a flirty way, and hopefully it won’t be so long before my next crush happens.

  49. My best friend of the last five years and I loved to gush about our crushes. We spent countless hours debating strategies and overanalyzing text messages, like two happy idiots. We made out a few days ago, and now I have a crush on her. I’M DYING to overanalyze this with her but I can’t because it’s HER!

  50. I’m so late to this thread, but I literally created an account just for this because I am in a crush hell right now.

    So I’ve had a crush on a girl I’ve worked with for over 6 months; I pretty much realized I liked her from the first week I met her. And I pretty much told her that a couple of weeks ago. It was a pretty huge step for me that I haven’t taken before, but I’ve gotten a lot more comfortable in my sexuality this past year and we’ve become very good friends and I felt like keepinh this from her was putting a strain on our relationship because there was a stretch in our friendship where I kinda ghosted to try and get over my feelings and not only did I fail miserably at getting over her but I ended up not be there for her when she needed me.

    And that’s the big problem. Everyone who knows about this is telling me that I should pull away to spare my feelings since she doesn’t reciprocate but I don’t want to hurt her again and I love spending time with her. She makes me laugh and I make her laugh and I love learning more about her. It’s just that after everytime we hang out I’m struck by how perfect we’d be if we were together but we aren’t and it hurts like Hell. I don’t know what to do. Any advice would be helpful. Thanks

    • I’d stick it out tbh. One of my best friends is someone I fell for hard, and I still would love to be with her, but over time and with meeting other people I have become a lot less angsty about it. Just try to appreciate the friendship for what it is, in my experience it’s worth it in the long run :)

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