FRIDAY OPEN THREAD: Inner Child to the Rescue

Hello nearest and queerest! Welcome to the Friday Open Thread, Autostraddle’s weekly virtual campfire where we gather ’round and talk about our lives, celebrate our achievements, bemoan our government’s ineptitude, and reach toward our dreams. It’s been yet another bananas week and I’m exhausted. I imagine you are, too; c’mon in and sit down!

This week I went to a concert with my dad, which is something we did often in my youth (because he’s a Cool Dad) but happens less frequently now that I no longer live in the same city as my parents. They’re still a short train ride/interminable freeway drive away, though, and so on Monday I hopped aboard the Metrolink and joined him to see Sigur Rós. I usually don’t care about watching a bunch of white guys do anything, but turns out this was the exception because holy moly. It was less of a standard concert and more of a sound-bath-meets-light-show, and I feel forever soothed. Plus I was home by 11:30, which suits my old lady constitution just fine.

A three-piece band (bassist on the left, lead singer and guitarist in the middle, drummer on the right) play onstage in front of an explosion of bright white light. The crowd is reaching up to them from the floor, and the guitarist is playing his instrument with a violin bow instead of a pick.

The one decent picture we managed to get; I would like to thank the Americans with Disabilities Act for these excellent seats.

Upon further reflection, I realized I’ve been resuming a lot of childhood activities recently: going to concerts, playing video games, reading books for hours, spending time outdoors. I’m even re-teaching myself to play basketball (of the wheelchair variety this time)! Maybe it’s a political horror show coping device, maybe it’s in preparation for my imminent ~*~*Saturn Return*~*~, but regardless, I’m into it. It’s been helpful to reconnect with a time before anxiety became my order of the day. I loved doing this stuff as a kid, and turns out I still do. Related: I’ve also started shopping in the boys’ department of Gap Kids again and I’ve never looked better.

Has anyone else been going through an inner child renaissance recently? If you haven’t tried it yet, take this as your invitation! And what have you gotten up to this week? Concerts? Movies? New crushes? Big professional steps forward? Have you been/are you going to a Seder? My girlfriend is hosting one on Sunday and I’m excited.

In closing, a much-needed reminder from the elevator at my therapist’s office:

An elevator button that says "help is on the way" in black block letters.

Thanks, buddy.

Whatever’s coming up, we’ve got you, and you’ve got this.

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Carrie's body is weird and she's making that work for her. She lives in DC by way of Los Angeles and has a conflicted relationship with social media, but you can follow her on Twitter and Instagram anyway.

Carrie has written 83 articles for us.


  1. This week, my inner child downloaded-and logged countless hours on-a coloring app.
    My inner irresponsible teenager sent my mom an email with a link to that article on BDSM-themed dollhouse furniture you posted last Sunday. Unfortunately, my mom was at work and I forgot to warm her that the article was NSFW. The good news is that she didn’t get in trouble. The bad news is that now everyone at her office knows me as the girl who sent her mother a link to an article about BDSM dollhouses.
    My inner adult finally drafted a basic resume this week.

    • Everyone in my mom’s office knows me as The Disabled One Who Writes Stuff About Sex on the Internet Sometimes so I get that. I’m glad no one got in trouble though!

      Coloring, via app or not, is an A+ Inner Child Activity. Thank you for understanding the assignment.

  2. Well helloes my beautiful gumdrops!

    Carrie I so feel you on the childhood revival! These past couple of weeks some of my coworkers and I have been reminiscing about all the legendary 80s/90s cartoons/shows/movies. Darkwing Duck, Duck Tales, TMNT, Babysitters Club, Blossom….STOP ME BEFORE I GO ON FOR HOURS.

    I’ve been watching them on YouTube and those moments have been the happiest of my week.

    Also, I’m debating getting a Tamigatchi

    • *Tamigotchi

      My phone decided I was done talking before I did. Rude.

      I’m sitting at the dealership waiting for my new car so that’s exciting!

      But yeah the childhood reminiscing has provided a much needed distraction from some lady trouble. Ugh.

      Also, I saw the new Power Rangers movie on Sunday and I’m going to marry Becky G.

      How are all you lovely cupcakes doing today?

      • Wait I think I’m going to have to get a new car soon (mine is a million years old and finally petering out after a lifetime of valiant service). How was your experience/what did you end up buying?

        You’re also not the only person I know who’s gotten a Tamigotchi recently? Perhaps they are on the up and up…

        • Mine was a little bit of a rushed experience due to the fact that my car had some gear skipping issues in the transmission, so I either had to pay up the wazoo or risk dying on the freeway.

          If you have the time to do research, take the time and pick out really what you want. Car Max is a great option for used cars and will buy yours back. Get multiple quotes, there’s likely a better deal out there. ALSO, if you get a used one, make sure they do a Car Facts report to get the accident history.

          If you’re like me and know little to nothing about cars and have zero bargaining skills, take someone with you that does. Don’t pay more than you have to- salesmen (esp at dealerships) will come down.

          I bought a 2016 RAV4 from the dealership with an extensive warranty that will help minimize my out of pocket expenses for repairs and got it for $2000 less than what they wanted. And with the trade in of my jeep, it ended up being about half the lot price.

          My biggest complaint with newer models of vehicles is that they’re so computerized now that a lot of issues are software related and have to be dealt with by the dealership and not a body shop mechanic. But I guess that’s the time we live in now!

          It was a crazy experience, but I love my new car and Toyota has been taking really good care of me with a couple minor issues that already existed. Good luck with your shopping!! Let me know what you get! Haha

          • Nice! Sounds like you were pretty good at bargaining after all, haha. I have about a year left on the car, according to my mechanic, so I’ve got some time to peruse. Thanks for the tips! I am with you on all the newfangled car tech but I am pretty psyched to have a backup camera, finally.

    • My coworker and I did the SAME thing yesterday! Adding to the list: gargoyles, real adventures of Johnny quest, and of course Sailor Moon ^__^ Never too grown up to remember / watch awesome shows!

  3. So, I’m gonna completely ignore the content of this open thread and beg for professional advice, because I am struggling SO HARD with a work-related decision. I’m super open to any input, but particularly folks in social work/counseling/caring professions, I’d love to hear from you! I’ll post the details in the reply because this is gonna be a looong post :-)

    • I’ve been at a job for about six months now as the regional coordinator for Independent Living services, which means I make sure that kids who are aging out of the foster care system receive services and support. I work in a twelve county area-six of them as a supervisor and in the other six I directly provide services and carry a case load. This position is through a private non-profit, but it’s a contract through my state Department of Children and Families. It’s been a really great opportunity for me to have some supervisory roles, and I love love love this population and the kiddos on my case load and the community partners I interact with through my work. I have great co-workers, and I have a lot of scheduling flexibility, which I appreciate. Things I don’t love about the position-the work load is intense, and I often feel like I’m not doing a great job. My supervisor and I butt heads a lot, and in general I just don’t really like her or think she’s a good person. I’m the only person doing this job in my organization and in a twelve-county radius, and my supervisor is clueless so I never really have anyone to bounce ideas or frustrations off of. And overall, the workplace culture isn’t a good fit for me (even though I get along very well with my coworkers that work out of the office I’m located in). The organization is entrenched in workforce development and just sort of works in that sort of traditional value system that doesn’t jive with me. They’re also very “performance” focused which means numbers, numbers, numbers-as a whole, I don’t think the organization really gives a shit about the kids we’re serving, just that our numbers look good. Which sucks. This definitely isn’t a “forever” position for me, so the question is mostly just about when I leave.

      I recently got offered a position with a local Native American tribe facilitating a program to provide full-circle, holistic, comprehensive services to folks primarily with mental health and/or AODA diagnoses. It pays better than my current positon, better vacation time, and I’m just extremely excited about the work. In my heart, I want to take this job. BUT…I’d really be screwing over a lot of people by leaving my current job, and when I think about some of the kids on my case load that I’ve built a relationship with, and having to tell them that I’m leaving after such a short amount of time…it breaks my heart. Especially because they come from the foster care system and just haven’t had a lot of stability or permanency in their life…I think they really deserve that. And because I work in so many counties in a pretty rural area, there is the possibility that I could burn A LOT of bridges by leaving. And, there’s the whole thing about the devil you know…what if I take this new job and I hate it? UGH.

      Anyway, I’m just feeling SO TORN and would love advice/input/perspectives/drink recipes and cute gifs to get me through until I have to make an actual decision!

      • i left a job at the end of last year (school librarian in a remote first nations community) and i felt the same way. i still get updates from old co-workers telling me that they still haven’t hired anyone to replace me. it is DEVASTATING! i worked really hard to build relationships with the kids and i got so many non-readers into books. but my life changed and i had to move away. i think a lot of the time people who Really Care get locked into positions at odds with their own well being. that job also underpaid me (about 2/3rds of my regular wage), but i can imagine a life where i chose to stay because i felt like they needed me.

        at your next job, i am certain you will find the same sense of “wow, the people i’m working with really need me.” yes, the kids you’re working with rely on you and yes the relationship helps. but in the end it’s not your responsibility to live a harder life just because your workplace has set you into this trap. if you are truly that indispensable, the responsibility is on your work to pay you more for all you do. it is not your responsibility to stay in a job that keeps you at a disadvantage. if you really want to do this job and not the other job, tell your employers that you have been offered a great opportunity but that you are reluctant to leave. would they consider paying you X amount.

        the problem is not you! the system is emotionally manipulating you and wringing you of your productivity for low returns. don’t feel bad.

      • Hi Courtney,

        Don’t get discouraged! From someone who taught cute little toddler for over a decade, and then chose other paths, sending my love.

        We are givers. We have nurtured and contributed emotionally to society since the dawn of time. And it’s not our fault that the current economic climate does not value the immense gifts that we offer others. What’s most important is for you to remain charged and passionate about sharing your love. If you get burnt out, then it may take some time for you to feel passionate again about this type of work.

        So, as much as the kids need you, you deserve happiness too. I think too often givers give until they don’t have anything left. We need to make sure our battery is charged too. Self care is not being selfish – it is doing what we know to be true: before we love others we need to love ourselves first. So please: if you are feeling the way you described, I urge you to find somewhere you are happy. Work shouldn’t be just a job; work is love made visible. If you don’t wake yearning to begin your day, then perhaps it’s time to find another path.

        Either way, you have touched so many lives already and will continue to do in whatever your pursue. *hugs*

    • If you know you are going to leace at some point then you could view it as the sooner you do, the sooner they can put someone in your position who really fits in the organisation in a way that you havent.

      Its hard, but if you have a job offer that you love and you know you are going to leave at some point. If now isnt the time to leave, what would be different in the future that would tell you it was time?

  4. I’ve not been to Gap Kids but I did shop at H&M today and thank god for their constant supply of v-neck tshirts in solid colours. I’m pretty sure that’s half my wardrobe. I’m embracing my inner soft butch. But I’ve also been watching a lot of Black Sails recently and I want to grow my hair long and pile on the eye liner and become a lesbian pirate. So my big question is can I be a soft butch pirate? Is that a gender presentation?
    Love you queer fam.

    • Soft Butch Pirate sounds solid to me – Dashing and debonair and adventurous! (I describe myself as Dap-Punk – classy but contrarian.)

    • I started watching Black Sails with my girlfriend, but she vetoed it by episode 3 … I enjoyed it, however! Any series highlights I can try and use to get her back on board for our TV-and-chill evenings? /pirate pun

      • It gets much better as the series progresses. It’s a guilty pleasure though for sure. Um. There’s some boys kissing? That’s a plus for me but I might be on my own there.

  5. Oooooh, I’m so jealous that you saw Sigur Ros! I went to a concert on Monday (bands have Real Cities to go to on the weekend, we here are just happy to get them at all!). It was terrible, but I’m still not sure just why. The sound techs might have done a poor job, or maybe I just didn’t dig the music, or maybe it was the steadily increasing exasperation I felt with all the men and boys in the audience – it was a very bro-y crowd.

    Thanks for the reminder to check GapKids for clothes – I haven’t scoped out their boys’ section in a long time. Old Navy is my go-to, although I struck gold at Kohl’s a few weeks ago. (Reversible vest!!!!!!!)

    Speaking of boy-clothes: any recommendations here for shoe sourcing? I have little feet – US women’s 7ish – and can’t find biker boots or other hip shoes that strike a properly masculine note. One can only wear converse so many days in a row, haha!

    Have a great weekend, everyone!

    • Those who don’t understand the Converse lifestyle: “Are you wearing the same shoes again?”
      Me: “No… I just have a lot of converse…”
      “A lot a lot”….

      I’m still waiting for Converse to make the fashion runway. Then I can tell haters, “See, I was right all along!”

    • Oh my gosh yes, the tiny-feet problem. I like J. Crew boys shoes–they go into large sizes, they’re pretty on-trend, and since they’re children’s you get a nice item for 1/3 the price. Still kinda pricey, and the selection is limited, but it’s worked best for me.

  6. My inner teenager is conspiring with my feelings and trying to convince me that maybe I like a friend more than just as a friend. Seriously trying to shut that down cause it would be only painful, as it has been every time before. I would think having been through this whole thing a number of times would make it easier, but no people have to be cute, so damn nice and encouraging, and funny. It isn’t fair.
    I’ve also been really wanted to have a “sick” day like I used to in middle/high school but it’s not the same now that I have adult responsibilities.

    • Everyday I wake up and calculate what are the chances I will get fired if I take a sick day. Or when it is a school day, I calculate how many absences I have by the attendance policy and multiply it by five, subtract two, e=mc^2 lol.

  7. I sang the 4 questions at the first night’s seder because I’m the youngest cousin. So that’s kind of a childhood thing, because traditionally the youngest person sings them. I’m also babysitting a 4 year-old girl on Sunday, so that should release my inner child. I think we’re going to go to Central Park (it’s supposed to be 80 degrees in NYC on Sunday!)

    On the second night of Pesach (second seder), I had the worst panic attack I’ve had in years. I’m totally fine now, but it was scary and horrible…but I’m a fucking survivor, and I got through it.

    I went to my first opera last night. My cousins had an extra ticket to the Metropolitan Opera, and they invited me. It was 4.5 hours long, and it was gorgeous! I’m a theatre gal, but it was great to experiment with different forms of art. It was Der Rosenkavalier with Renee Fleming, and the lead male character was played by a cis woman, and it was all sorts of sapphic and gender fuckery.

    • I’m glad you made it through the panic attack okay – you are a fucking survivor indeed.

      As a former voice major I am so delighted that you brought up the gender fuckery in opera. A long and proud tradition! I got to sing so many arias by “young boy” characters in undergrad… though I really didn’t lean into it like I should have. Opera has this reputation for being so stuffy and stodgy and in some cases that winds up being true, but there’s a lot of subversiveness in it too and it makes me so happy when people (esp queer folks) notice that. Yay opera!

      • My dog “sings” to opera… It’s how I know he is cultured. Next step is proper use of napkins at suppertime.

    • I was a voice major too, and the genderfuckery in opera is pretty great especially because everyone is like ‘but its not really genderfuckery because historically it would have been a boy so it’s doesn’t count’ and I’m just like “uh huh, whatever.” I love Der Rosenkavalier and Renee Flemming is one of my favorite singers. She’s stunning in that role. I hope it was the production where her and the lady playing the dude literally start the opera rolling around in bed making out because obviously that is the best one ;)

    • Happy Passover friend! I hope you aren’t having the matzah hangovers I’ve been experiencing all week. I’m sure you sang it beautifully the 4 questionws.

  8. I feel like people don’t see me as an important part of the LGBTQ+ Brown Activist Community in my area. I am almost finished with my degree, show up, answer back to feedback, give suggestions, offer up my space, show up to meetings, throw out suggestions, and answer back to texts/messages/emails on time. But I’m about done with these mothafuckin’ people. A new (political activist master’s degree and all) girl came into the group and started adding me onto all of these projects that no one told me about. Even though I reached out and asked more than once what was up in the community and made it clear that I wanted to help out. I’m not asking to be anyone’s friend, just be in the know.
    The only reason I was added into the current group (which was the gateway to being added on other lists because THIS OTHER GIRL added me. NOT the person I have known for almost 2 years and asked for a chance numerous times, but this new girl had to put me in the know.) was because I had something the group could use.
    Just cause I don’t party with y’all and I don’t want to be your lackie doesn’t mean I don’t want to be apart of the community.
    I’m strong, have my own ideas, and can handle myself. I kind of suspect that is why I wasn’t asked to do some things. Maybe I am just insecure or taking everything too personally, but I’m still annoyed and pissed.
    Oh and can people not be surprised when I say something smart? wtf?!?

    On a good note I finished the basic draft of my Zine (now it is time to do research) and I just got a job. ANNNDD I just got the go ahead to design another magazine and I really hope this is the gateway to being a dope content creator because I am just…. annoyed and pissed off right now.

  9. I’ve been watching more animated films lately. I just saw Moana and cried a bunch and then watched it again and cried more. I think the story about nature being restored and healed makes me feel like a kid again, wanting to believe in that magic, because in the real world things seem unrelentingly bad and tipping toward destruction. And there’s no Heart of Te Fiti to counteract the damage we’re doing.

    Um, so that’s been part of my week. :(

    In nicer news, I recently sold my debut novel and I’m so excited for it to be out in the world soon because it’s all about awesome queer women. I’ve been writing books for 8+ years, trying to get published, and it’s amazing to be at this stage. Among volunteering and making phone calls to my MoCs/senators, my creative work is helping me stay OK right now. <3

  10. I feel like my whole past year has been a sort of renaissance. I’m re-finding myself, the me that emerged in my teens, after years of repressing.

    This week has been emotionally weird. My plan has been to come out to my parents organically, when relevant to the conversation. But then I spoke to my mother about something unrelated and she made a huge deal about how she doesn’t care about what sexuality or religion (another important aspect of my personality I wish someone would see) someone has and how she doesn’t ever want to hear about those things.

    So, here I am, wishing there was a single person in my life, other than my partner, who called me by my legal name and with whom I could be open about my sexuality and my spirituality, and my mother shuts that door.

    I’ve heard versions of this before (it’s her version of “I don’t see race”). But hearing it so blatantly left me feeling weird and numb. It’s so final. My mother die never having known me. And then I started thinking about how unfair it is that her decades long disinterest in who I really am automatically gets transferred to my father. She doesn’t want to hear it, so he doesn’t get a chance to know me either. But how can you be open with one half of a couple you always see together? Do I even get to be frustrated about this, as someone who doesn’t have to hide who she’s with nor risk being disowned or worse?

    The on and off weirdness and frustration has pretty much permeated everything this week.

    • Yes, of course you get to be frustrated about it. No matter how old we get, we still have that urge to want our parents to know and understand us, and I think in some ways, that strengthens, rather than diminishes, in adulthood. At least for me, there’s that desire to be seen as an equal, as an adult friend, rather than as the kid whose butt you used to wipe (although I mean, thank you much to the parental units who did all that crap, it’s no small thing).

      I don’t know your situation, but I would give your dad the chance to know the real you. You’re right – it isn’t fair that he won’t even get the chance because of your mom. Even though your parents are a couple, they’re also separate people, different people. Write your dad a letter? Call him? Again, I don’t have a window into your family, but it’s totally reasonable to want what you want, and your dad hasn’t shut the door on that the way your mom apparently has. Her loss.

      • Thank you!

        I talk to my father on the phone every week, so I could certainly say something to him on the phone. I am just not certain how (yet). I’m conflicted because I do want him to have the opportunity to know me better if he wants to, but if I talk to him about my sexuality or religion and he needs to process it (not unlikely) then the only person he really has to talk to is my mother… unless I ask him not to, which would be silly since I’m not hiding my sexuality from anyone, but at the same time him being the one to tell my mother could be the start of a whole thing. Uuuugh.

    • I don’t have any advice, but I hope you can find a way to come out to one (or both) of your parents, if that’s what you decide to do. <3 It sounds like your partner is supportive of you, and that's awesome.

      • I’m definitely super lucky to have someone who’s fully supportive on and at my side at all times. :)

    • “I don’t care…so definitely don’t tell me.” That is so ughhhh. I’m really sorry.

      Since it seems like you have a distant relationship with your mom anyways, do you think it’d be possible to just drop an “I’m queer” and walk away for a while, without worrying too much about an appropriate lead-up or the reception?

      And of course you have the right to be frustrated, this stuff is hard!

    • Ugh. How horrible, and I’m really sorry to hear that. My dad died recently and just before he did, I was able to come out to him as trans and a woman. I had been really struggling with the idea that he would pass away and never know who I am. I’m glad I had the chance. And yeah, it’s totally valid to feel frustrated.

  11. I’ve been doing some reflection lately (which, really, just means random useless short stories reflecting on queer girl scout camp with a supernatural tint) and, also, finding some fun in writing again with flash fiction contests.

    Did anyone else do the sci-fi London 48 hour challenge last weekend? I was initially ehhh about it, as I’m not great with scifi, but I adored my prompts and would love to swap prompts with anyone who submitted/attempted to submit!

    Similarly, I guess, is anyone into maybe doing a little flash fiction once a week or something? I can find ways to randomize prompts etc. but…well, its always more fun to be geeking out with others and discussing what works/doesn’t…to me, anyway.

    And thats it. No rain or sun in my life–just general going-ons.

    • I’m not the one for this but I sincerely hope someone takes you up on that weekly slash fic offer.

      • You’re already writing awesome things, but I’d totally love to read a flash fiction you wrote, too

    • I’ve never really given flash fiction a shot and would be willing to try a weekly prompt! I’m on a deadline atm but will have more time after early June. Autostraddle writing club??

      • You’re on the *most awesome* deadline. I hope you’ll post here when its published because I am always here for more books.

        June would work for me! I mean, I have nothing particular going on now but June seems like a good month to start something fun. @kguay and anyone else who’d be interested: Autostraddle group? Tumblr? Aka whats easiest for everyone?

        • I will! The book comes out next summer. :D

          I don’t do a lot of online stuff but I’m sure I could figure out Tumblr. An Autostraddle group would work, too!


          • I’m going to throw something together and then post a link here–its just a vague idea on what *I* think might be fun…so if its like “ew, no!” thats okay, too. But its easier for me to throw something on a page then ramble in a text box. 100% into any feedback, suggestions, etc.

  12. I go to to concerts with my dad too! I think warmer weather always brings out my childhood activities. Lately I’ve been trying to convince myself that I feel comfortable enough wearing converse again after not for a few years because I decided they were too young and not feminine enough for me.

    In other news, I got an IUD this week! After about 3 years of being too scared to do it. But I also got diagnosed with PCOS which really bums me out as someone who really wants children and is very afraid of having to sink a ton of money/time into actually getting pregnant bc of fertility issues.

    • I am not ashamed to say that I frequently wear Converse to fancy events so in case you needed an endorsement, I think you’re more than in the clear.

      I’m sorry to hear about your PCOS diagnosis but am glad you conquered your IUD fears. It’s so important to talk openly and honestly about the entire parenting/family planning spectrum and I really wish it happened more often (especially among queer women). Wishing you all the luck where and whenever it’s needed!

    • Converse are so a feminine evening wear shoe. Anyone who tells you differently is a dum-dum head.

  13. I started reading a fantasy novel in my free time! I spend most of my time reading academic articles (or feeling guilty about not reading academic articles), and I assumed that reading more stuff in my free time wouldn’t be relaxing. But turns out it’s incredibly nice! I forgot that reading for pleasure means I don’t have to critically analyze every single sentence. I read soooo many books when I was in elementary and middle school, and I’m really glad to be tapping into that part of my brain again.

    • I’m in a similar boat! I realized recently that I hadn’t actually read fiction in years, and as soon as I picked some up it felt like my brain unclenched. Sometimes a great plot is all you need.

    • I’m an academic too – I totally feel this! I think it helped me to consume my fiction in media like comics/graphic novels, but yeah, I miss reading plain ol’ books for fun and I’m looking forward to getting back to that now that my masters is almost done.

      • Yeah, I’m about to finish a big paper and defend it at the end of this semester, and then I’ll have the whooooole summer to read whatever I want. It’s gonna be great.

    • Yes! I had this absolute revelation too, and now, because of my kindle, I usually have 2 or 3 books on the go- a non-fiction book, a work book, and a guilty fantasy novel/ lesbian pulp fiction for when the others aren’t much fun to read.

  14. Oh, I want to have “back to childhood” time so much! I often feel this way too, especially in April and May because I spend a lot of time outdoors. I take long walks in the woods and I am suddenly child again, admiring nature and feeling like I’m part of it, exploring new places – like I see everything, the simplest things like sunset for the first time.
    This spring however I don’t have time for this, unfortunately. I have exams in two weeks and I’M FREAKING OUT. Today I’ve been doing math for 8 hours and I feel like my brain is on fire. Still feeling stupid though. I’m trying to panic but well, I’m pretty sure I’m failing.

    But hey, Easter is coming and even if I don’t actually celebrate I am still going to spend time with my family and eat some delicious food. Today I actually ate chocolate cupcakes with pears made by my grandma and they were so, so good.

    Happy Friday! <3

    • I just, in the last month or so, rediscovered the joy of running down hills on an otherwise completely sensible walk- definitely inner child. Give it a go! It’s really fun… ?

  15. Literally just got back from shopping in the boys department of kohl’s. I’ll have you know that, in a boys chaps pinpoint Oxford, I’m a size 16.

    I teach preschool, so doing fun things for myself doesn’t feel like going back to childhood as much as it feels like hanging out with other adults.

    • I envy you, I’ve never been able to figure out the pants aspect of the boys department! They can never get over my hips, so it’s shirts only for me (at least right now). Enjoy!

      • Oh no, I meant shirts! I’m way too hippy for boys pants.

        I did, however, find my favorite levis in the women’s section.

        I have a magic pair of perfect 505s that I found at a thrift store, but the fabric is starting to wear through. Unfortunately, the size isn’t labeled on my pair, so I have no idea what my size is.

        I hate trying shit on, so I saved that shopping trip for another, more caffeinated day.

        • I think I’m a size 16 in boys’ shirts too! Solidarity. I think when I read your whole sentence it somehow just got into my head that you were talking about pants? My bad.

          Fun fact: when I was a kid I hated trying things on in the store so much (I would get way too overwhelmed by the amount of choices) that my mom started just picking out 2-3 things at a time, bringing them home for me to try on/agonize over there, and then taking back the stuff I didn’t like. As an adult I realize just how much of an inconvenience that was, and believe more than ever that she is a champion among moms.

    • I did all my shopping in the young men’s dept. of Kohl’s for a long time, especially for cargo shorts. They often had 2-for-1 sales, and I loved it. Sadly, I got chubby, and a lot of my shorts from that run don’t fit right now. I look forward to shedding some pounds so I can wear my clothes again…I’ve deliberately avoided buying much at the size I am now, because I want to get back to my old size.

      But yeah, cargo pants are where it’s at. I have the hips problem too, but I just accept that I’m going to have that huge gap in the back, and I like wearing my shorts slung low, anyhow. Long shirts help keep my ass from hanging out.

      • @iamthekat @wadeacar

        I only buy solid colored button downs in the boys section because those things range in size from “active baby” to “middle schooler” and, again, I teach preschool

        can you even imagine how mortifying it would be, to show up to work in literally the same outfit as a toddler??

        Skipping all the pants and all the plaid with the weird pocket designs.

          • I get all excited about the folded up shirt and then as I shake it out the embroidery/paint/whatever leaps in my face like a big hairy spider. Not cool.

    • I was in Marks and Spencers the other day (a very middle class british shop) and realised that their boys section is fantastic and sized up to ages 15-16. Ive got my eyes on some shoes because the fancy mens shoes i like never go down to my size, but in M&S the kids section goes properly large enough. The downside is that the poshness of the shops outways the price cut of not paying tax on kids clothes, but I’ll definitely be having another browse soon.

      • @teachersaga yes!! Perhaps especially queer preschool teachers??

        I love my job so much but also have a lot of rage about how low the wages are and how low or just mediocre quality care is the standard, not the exception

        • @m1ch0u I get pretty angry about the quality too… And the fact that I have a graduate degree in ECE and 10 years experience and I make less than most of my friends with no degree do… I’m starting to realize that it’s not sustainable long-term unless I do what all my co-workers do: get married and live off their spouse’s salary :( I don’t wanna be pressured into marriage just to continue to do what I love.

  16. I think I’ve been feeling the inner-child thing lately, too, although in truth I’ve never quit being that way… A couple days ago, I took some time to catch up on my comic reading (yes, literally). I forgot where I had left off with the Xena vs. Army of Darkness crossover (that is actually a thing I did not just make up, and I recommend it to any Xena/Bruce Campbell fans) so I just started over from the beginning and read all six issues. I also took a chance on X-Men Gold, a back-to-basics reboot, and was pleasantly surprised, that unpleasantness with the artist sneaking secret messages in there notwithstanding. I mean, c’mon, the team is Storm, Colossus, Nightcrawler, Rachel Grey, and grizzled Old Man Logan, led by none other than Kitty Pryde herself. That’s like a total all-star squad. Today, I finished Innocence Lost (X-23’s origin story, basically Weapon X: Laura Kinney edition), and next up is rereading the last section of Gail Simone’s run on Red Sonja because I finally got my hands on the last issue. Do you know what it’s like to get to the last issue of the last story in someone’s awesome run on a title and not be able to get it no way nohow??? Thank you Amazon and digital downloads, is all I have to say. It sucks not to have a physical copy to drop into the ol’ longbox, but honestly, reading digital comics is not a bad experience.

    Come to think of it, if we want to REALLY go back to childhood here – anyone remember David the Gnome? It was a simple, sweet cartoon that Nick used to show when I was really little, alongside stuff like The Little Koala and Eureka’s Castle, and I watched a couple of episodes of it several days ago. I ended up on it because of looking some stuff up for the gnome character in my own story. Though he’s nothing like David, I did decide to make him an anatomist in honor of David’s being a doctor, and it also gives me a good explanation for why he has such an expansive basement that he keeps secure against prying eyes…I don’t know if anyone here’s ever worked in biology/medicine or worked closely with animals, but I’ve learned that those of us who routinely deal in body parts and physical processes have a different sensibility from your average folk, and the things we get used to shock and disgust the uninitiated ;)

    Speaking of my story (which I swear to god I will find a way to finish despite the billion other things I have going on), I like to draw my own characters, and I FINALLY got the one guy to look right. He has just never, ever come out, and he finally did look the way I picture him in my head, all carefree and ready for a scrap (what he would say). I’m not really trying to draw promo art for my own stuff, because I don’t draw the way I write, but it makes me happy to do character designs and it also helps me to picture the characters themselves as I script their scenes. I haven’t finished the drawing yet, but I will, and then I have to decide if I want to potentially ruin it by trying to learn to ink with my new pens on it :p

    All this against the very concrete adult responsibility I now find myself faced with – as of today, I’ll be the sole earner in my household, except I don’t have a job yet. Soon, I hope…

    • I don’t remember David the Gnome but I am Team Eureka’s Castle forever so I’ll have to go look him up. Best of luck with the job hunt, we believe in you!!!

      • Well, I got an interview for Monday, and I’m not even quite finished with my degree yet, so…they’re biting. I just need someone to give me a shot despite my relative inexperience. It’ll happen.

  17. Oh, gosh!
    These days I’m super into Lego! I didn’t really have any as a kid, nor was I particularly interested in them… but now, at the age of 28, I’ve discovered them! They are so so cool!
    Not only do I enjoy buying and building sets (there are so many great ones), but I’m really interested in the countless videos a toy reviewer posts on his YouTube channel, JANGbricks. JANG (just a nice guy) creates these remarkably therapeutic vids reminiscent of Bob Ross. Check him out!

    • Congratulations on dealing with the situation and levelling up your Spanish! It’s amazing how things like that just force you to buckle up and fight through it…even though I know it’s super hard! (I first majorly levelled up my Spanish when I had to go to the emergency department at the hospital.)

      Glad you and the cat are both OK and hope you both have a restful evening!

      • Okay my phone got confused and posted the reply to the comment below here and was about to post the reply to your comment below!! Ooppsssyyy!!

        What I wanted to say was, those Lego videos are amazing! They just feel so calming!!

  18. my cat attacked a bee like some sort of asshole today. got stung, started puking, and i had to figure out wtf to do while on my own without a cellphone in a town i don’t know where everything is closed for viernes santo. my spanish fucking levelled up today. that cat is never going outside again.

      • yes! kitty is ok and we saw a vet. my gf is away but i texted her and she tracked down the vet and bullied him to come in on his day off, ha, poor fellow. i think my heart rate might calm down enough for me to fall asleep tonight, so i’m doing ok too! i will probably require a lot of lap sits from the cat.

    • I’m glad your cat is okay!

      I know a fair bit about stressful language levelling first hand and you seriously deserve a treat and a gold star.

    • Congratulations on dealing with the situation and levelling up your Spanish! It’s amazing how things like that just force you to buckle up and fight through it…even though I know it’s super hard! (I first majorly levelled up my Spanish when I had to go to the emergency department at the hospital.)

      Glad you and the cat are both OK and hope you both have a restful evening!

  19. Who here is a scientist of some sort? I’m aiming to do something in the field of ecology and I wondered if anybody had some…advice, or something along those lines, about that. Or just tell me what it is like being a scientist-of-some-sort. Bedankt.

    • I might fit the bill. I’m not active in the field, but I’ve done ecological research in the past, and I certainly have a good grasp on how the professional world works, for better and worse. What’s your question? Feel free to message me as well.

    • My undergrad was “wildlife biology and conservation”… not exactly ecology but similar and had a few ecology courses. Feel free to message me ^__^

    • I’m a scientist on hiatus bc of health issues–my undergrad was in biochemistry, and I’ve done some research and interney stuff in a couple different neuroscience labs in an academic setting, so I’ve seen some of the research side and a tiny bit of admin side of research (consent forms for tissue donation seem like they’re enchanted like the ministry of magic memos to fly around bc they never seem to stay in the place that you had them last which is Frustrating). It’s not quite the field you’re interested in probably, but feel free to shoot me a message!

  20. Hey what’s up hello I would definitely read an article about your finds in the Gap Kids boys’ department just FYI

  21. Hi, Carrie!

    I’m glad you had a good time at the concert with your dad. That’s pretty cool! I went to a concert once with my dad, but I was 10 at the time. We also got home well before 11:30, ha ha.

    I don’t know about an “inner child renaissance,” but some things I enjoyed when I was younger, I still do, as I never quit them. Like video games or going out or whatever. Though there’s, of course, a lot of stuff I’d just as soon forget about altogether, lol. I’m not really sure what a Seder is, so I probably haven’t been to one.

    I also really like the elevator button. I could use one like that sometimes. I hope you and everyone else has a great weekend! =)

  22. My girlfriend has a Super Nintendo and we’ve been playing it. I don’t remember Super Mario World being so stressful! It’s hilarious because every time I finish a level she asks me if I’m breathing. Haha. I didn’t have SN as a kid, we had regular Nintendo and got a Sega Genesis after so this is really cool.

    Oh! I have a wedding coming up and I needed to find something somewhat formal to wear – found a few buttons ups in the boys section at Ross. I’m a BIG BOY Size 12-14 I discovered. :D

    • I love that it’s called BIG BOY. Amazing.

      I’ve got a wedding coming up (my sister’s!) and just went suit shopping myself! Whose wedding are you headed to?

      • It’s my gf’s best friend’s wedding and also went suit shopping with her as she needed a proper suit since she’s the “ring bearer” – Actually her cat will be walking down the isle with her. I plan on taking lots of pictures.

          • Haha, yes. We’re debating between a bow tie, a simple vest or a dress. Perhaps we should let the cat decide….

            How much did you suit cost, btw? If you don’t mind me asking, that is… We spent about $300 (including tailoring).

    • @pixels It was about $300 for the suit because I splurged at Wildfang (sister’s wedding, y’know?). Still gotta do tailoring and have been asking around about queer friendly tailors in town. It’ll be my first real trip to the tailor!

  23. I have been doing decidedly not childish things this week including a weekend to warsaw with my rugby team, starting a placement with a health visitor (like a community childrens nurse) and the most awkward AGM of a rugby club I have ever attended.

    The highlights are that Warsaw is a fantastic city to visit and I properly feel part of my rugby team. Theyre a great bunch and I can solidl I’d consider mostof them friends rather than just teammates.

    Also Im sure the tension around the new committee members will blow over soon. Thats just uni societies for you.

    • Yeesh committees being voted in (if it’s anything like my soc was) and people losing out is a toughie. I would’ve been co-sec of mine had I not dropped out of uni a couple of months later. Awkward indeed, grateful for the co situation. Good luck with the health visiting, I have family who do it and they have STORIES! Yikes.

  24. I’ve been reading my old journals this week, partially as research for this book I’m writing, partially in my therapy work, partially just because. The first one starts when I’m 12 and it was right after I closed a production of The Sound of Music that I was in for 6 months. The girl who played Liesel (I was Brigitta) I remember as being really nice and big sistery to me and thinking she was super cool. Then I read my journal and it’s like 30 fucking pages of “sara’s so nice and sara’s so pretty and sara said i was pretty and that’s amazing and i miss sara” and on and on and on and adult Alex is like awwwwwwwww baby’s first crush. I had no idea at all that I had a crush on this girl but holy shit I obviously did. Hi.Larious.

    I’ve also been feeling very into indulging my inner child lately and it’s really freeing and awesome. My spring alter is in honor of Femella (the fantastic re-imagining of the child goddess form in Jailbreaking the Goddess which is amazing and you should read it) and has all kinds of little kid stuff on it like glittery unicorn stickers and coloring pages I particularly like. I often feel like I didn’t get to really be a kid because of reasons so it’s really healing to send some love to my 8 year old self.

    The world is garbage and my mother is trying to get in touch with me and everything is hard, but there are books and coloring pages and markers and Finding Dory on Netflix so maybe it’s going to be okay.

    • I found some similar pages in 12-year-old me’s diary about my piano teacher (who was about 20). I was aware at the time she was incredibly beautiful and I wanted her to be my sister or something…but reading pages and pages of “Ms Al-Khater is so beautiful” “I love her so much” “I just want to hug her” “today Ms Al-Khater said I can call her Aisha” “she smells amazing” “today was our last ever lesson and she hugged me and I think I died” I definitely had a huge crush!!

      Your altar sounds amazing btw :)

    • Just wanted to pop in and thank you for the Jailbreaking the Goddess recommendation. I’ve felt this call to get into altars lately, and that book seems like a perfect introduction.

      • You’re Welcome!! I love that book. It breaks out the traditional Maiden Mother Crone three faces of the Goddess into 5 that are not tied to biology or procreation. And it talks a lot about decolonizing your practice. I’ve found it a great starting point :)

  25. I totally forgot! The AGM was sci fi fancy dress so I went as Arthur Dent from Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. Which was a great because I got to go clubbing in my pyjamas and dressing gown. But the journey at 6.30pm on a thursday to get there was so awkward that I left my towel on the bus! What a fool!

    • I went on a zombie walk once in my pjs and I can honestly say it was the best thing ever. Bad luck for leaving your towel on the bus though! We all know that’s the most important thing ;)

  26. Today at work I was testing a piece of our software that allows customers to insert custom images into the header of a report, so obviously I tested with pictures of kittens, puppies, bunnies, and baby skunks, which are the CUTEST.

    On Tuesday, I read an entire book in one sitting, which is not something I’ve done since I was a teen.

    This week has been an emotional rollercoaster, and all I want is to curl up with a pizza and some trashy TV, but it’s Passover so pizza is not an option at the moment uggggghhhhh.

  27. I got a new office this week, also I got a haircut and I’m feeling it


    new Star Wars Trailer I can’t wait for all of them to be GAY

  28. This week has been a week of ups and downs and too many doctors appointments, with too many more to come in the next couple weeks.

    There have been some positive developments (helpful new drug added it!, one letter down for a hysterectomy!, therapist totally in support with me having an emotional support animal!), some insurance fuckery (endometriosis is almost definitely contributing to my chronic pain, and because endometriosis regrows in so many patients and i 100% do not want children, the pelvic pain specialist recommends i get a hysterectomy. however bc insurance is ass-backwards, to do the hysto they’d have to do surgery, prove there’s endometriosis, take that out, then submit that to the insurance to do the hysterectomy as a second surgery instead of just one surgery. BUT being nonbinary has come to my advantage for the first time ever in a medical setting(!!!)–if we can get the insurance to approve the hysterectomy bc of dysphoria, it’ll be just one surgery. you’d think insurance would want to limit the number of surgeries bc it’d be cheaper for them, right? wrong, because they’re ass-backwards), and some shitty stuff I’m struggling to cope with (evidently my ankle issues are tendonitis, it might take 9 months for that to heal and there’s basically jack-all they or i can do, and if it doesn’t heal they can do surgery but it may or may not do anything; 9 months is a really long time to limit activities and i’m not sure if i’m going to be able to work???? bc of the ankle i can’t stand for long periods of time or do a lot of walking, bc of the chronic pain i can’t sit at a desk. if you know of jobs that involve lounging on a couch or laying on the floor, lemme know. i guess there’s a slight silver lining in that i have 9 month to do a hysto and top surgery where i’m not gonna be able to do a lot anyway so like yeah let’s just get those surgeries out of the way while i’m mostly out of commission and can’t do most of the things i like to do bc of the risk of reinjury to my ankle and boy do i had Indeterminate Limbo Hell).

    But because i’m out of commission, I’ve started reading a lot more and it’s really great and I missed reading books for fun and not just scientific papers that are interesting but really not fun to read. I’m also playing with my cats more (shoutout to my dad for finding a new laser pointer that’s the size of a pen and way easier to use for long periods of time) which is good for me and them, so win-win. Both of those things are stuff I did a lot as a kid, so it’s nice to do them again. I did not play videogames as a kid bc they were Not Allowed In The House, and in like middle school it was very discouraging to be the person terrible at videogames (it was not allowed to mess with me in any way in any videogame bc I would guaranteed find a way to accidentally kill myself, which was usually falling off a cliff, but on a couple of memorable occassions, i managed to drown my avatar bc i couldn’t figure out how to stop it from going into the water/get out of the water and head to shore instead of wading further out to a watery grave), but as an adult it’s pretty fun to suck my way through super mario brothers, often with my sister who is not terrible at videogames so she prevents me from getting too frustrated when i can’t do stuff and just gets me through parts that i just Can’t Get. We still die so much though. We’re on like 40something continues, but we have reached world 8. I also watched a lot of Whose Line and Xena as a kid and I am watching those and A+ would watch again.

    • Ugh, I hear you loud and clear on the backwardness of insurance. I’m glad the various surgeries etc. may end up lining up, time-wise, but yeah that’s a long time to be out of commission. Good news about the one letter down, though, and the emotional support animal! Do you already have a pet you’re going to get registered, or will it be a new friend?

      • It’s going to be a new friend! I’m also hoping that the new pup can become a service dog to help with narcolepsy (+also hypoglycemia if that is why I’m having some other issues–docs think that’s what it is, but I’m doing a glucose monitor test thing this weekend to see if that shows up or if something else is responsible for some of the fainting I’ve been doing) with training eventually too, which is like…gonna be a lot of work and money, and is a bit overwhelming to think about hypothetically, but also hopefully will be worth it!

  29. I may also have a inner child renaissance happening. Last week I was at Bloomingdales getting a gift and having it wrapped and on the TV they were playing Hey Arnold, which I haven’t seen in who knows how long(it was go-kart episode btw and still very good). Then this week I read that Boomerang, the classic cartoon tv network(where one can find Tom and Jerry, Yogi Bear and even Johnny Bravo) is going to offer a $35 a year streaming option. I thought pretty hard about getting it. I also thought pretty hard last month about buying a Hot Wheel toys(saw both the Mystery Machine and a Superbird). I also watch a lot of Bob’s Burger in the past year, but that’s not really market for kids.

    How’s everyone’s week? I am right now testing out new opening line on Tinder I heard through the Fist You Podcast. The line is, “what is your favorite thing about not being straight?” Been using it for like 2-3 weeks now, but it seems like no one wants to really answer that. I am not sure why. But, this week I got the answer, “I’m straight.” Then why are you on the section women searching for women? Her reply was because she won’t steal my man like a dude will. Okay then…..

    So, last weekend was my birthday weekend and spent it a fellow straddler and dear friend. Saturday we walked her beach neighborhood and had drinks(including free birthday jello shot). Spend time with another great straddler. Then at night we(friend I was staying with and I) went to the gayborhood and went bar hopping. So, I was in line for the bathroom(it was ex gendered single bathrooms that are now unisex), and a woman pushed me to the other side where the dudes bathroom use to be. I just stood there waiting, who ever was working at the club points as his face to indicate I have make-up on and can use any bathroom. She replies go inside that one. So, someone replied to her the bathroom is locked chill. I think I then in an inebriated stooper replied I’m too trans for this and went to find my friend to go to another place. Like fuck I just want to pee and then dance my buns off. Still had a great time though. Thank you Mary Jane and Lebanese drinks.

    Sunday went to the beach again and then hiking.
    Lovely Yucca flower we saw on the hike.

    Flowers in bloom

    Few more shots over at my tumblr, thefleetingimage if anyone wants to see more.

    Thank you for viewing and reading my post. Have a positive weekend!

    • One of the students at the school where I work is named Arnold, and one time I needed to ask him something and saw him walking by, so I stuck my head out the door and yelled “Hey Arnold!” and it was so rewarding.

      I’m sorry that woman in the bathroom line was a jerk, but I’m glad you still had a good birthday and went on such a beautiful hike!

      • That’s a good one. I even got to see and hear the theme song, I literally was like a little kid. It was on a Nickelodeon channel Splat, which I never heard of, but I will definitely over the weekend check to see if I have it on tv(we have digital cable in two rooms).

        Thank you! I know, especially since it was at an LGBTQ bar. Thankfully, I was with a good friend to 100% not care, that and being inebriated didn’t hurt(also no hangover thank you Mediterranean liqueur) either.

    • “…this week I got the answer, “I’m straight.” Then why are you on the section women searching for women? Her reply was because she won’t steal my man like a dude will. Okay then…..”:

      She… what? I am so confused now. “I’m straight, but I like women, so I won’t steal your man”?

      • I guess a bf/guy she was seeing cheated on her with a guy friend of hers? So, in her mind if uses women looking for women tinder to make friends she doesn’t have to worry about competing for the affection of a guy>? I just unmatched her after I saw that mess. ugh.

  30. I had a whole thing last week where I re-watched videos of songs from Glee (so much nostalgia but also bittersweet because I’m only just realising how capital ‘P’ PROBLEMTATIC that show was). Listening to old songs from the early 2000s (my childhood) as well as the openings of old TV shows (I still know all the words to the opening of Shaman King and that makes me happy.) Its probably because I’m graduating in July and I actually have no more lessons just essays until May 8th. Am I ready for the ‘Adult World’? Prolly Not.

    • I had a Glee moment last week too! Despite its many many capital P Problems I will always have a soft spot for it. Season One and the first 2-3 soundtrack albums still make me smile.

  31. I am a preschool / toddler teacher, so kid stuff is like second nature. I think I have more fun than the actual kids do! I don’t own nice things anymore; everything is either covered in paint, poop, or paint AND poop… People PAY me to crawl through tunnels, make forts, sing the hokey pokey, and roll around in the mud all day. Every once in a while we have serious “grown up talk” like how Chloe is going to be a “pirate + mommy + model teacher”… Damn, I wish I had thought of that.

    I’m taking a little break from teaching for a while, but that doesn’t mean I can’t still do all the above things on my own time ^__^ I color at work, but screw those adult coloring books; I might as well use up the bazillion extra Frozen ones I have hoarding bedroom space. I’m not ashamed to babysit and really get into some My Little Pony or Tinkerbell, secretly hoping Silvermist and Vidia run away together into the sunset…

    In life news:

    I have $4.85 in my checking and still a week till payday

    My bestie is kidnapping me when I least expect it to go swimsuit shopping, making it my first swimsuit experience of my life, and making me wonder if I finally have the figure to rock something other than a rash guard and swim shorts…

    I wore a dress for the first time to work – a dare from coworkers who also agreed, but mostly just to win a free coffee… because ya the $4.85.

    Oh, and my sister, who disowned me 6 months ago when I came out as transgender has not only added me on Facebook, but invited me to a lipsense party this next Saturday? Not sure what terrifies me more, doing makeup with my little sister, or having to trade my hoard of lip-gloss for something more mature…

    Can we just drink milkshakes and color together instead? Life would be so much easier…

    • The only good part about babysitting is getting to colour and pretending that it’s for the benefit of the kids. Good luck with the swimsuit shopping and lipstick party!

    • how was it wearing a dress to work for the first time? I started dressing pretty femininely at work even before I came out and started transitioning because I couldn’t resist it. I loved it, even if it felt unfamiliar at first. Now I love dressed.

      • @slarmour The dress turned out to be a wonderful idea! Not only was it super comfy (sweater dress with warm leggings in the snow/rain), but I felt absolutely fucktastic! I had been hesitating to try more feminine clothes since this is a relatively new job, even though I’ve worn them a lot outside work. I’m not the girly girl type, but there is something still really cool about how dresses twirl when I move… But today it’s back to the hipster coffee shop look ^_^

  32. Hellooooo Straddlers! Goodness me I’ve been basically addicted to Autostraddle for the last 2 days…I’m staying with my parents in France for Easter and the heteronormativity is all around! My parents live in the middle of nowhere (in both UK and in France) with no real socialising potential with my own age, and no other non-heteros that I can find! I need a huge hit of queerness from AS to keep me going haha.
    I’m trying to “remind” them I’m not straight with little comments here and there when I can, but it’s hard. I was saying how excited I am for World Pride and how I’m going to be a volunteer and my dad asked what World Pride was, but when I told him he just kind of rolled his eyes and said “oh.” Also trying to explain intersectionality and why it’s important was an “interesting” and not entirely successful conversation. Like they get the feminism thing in terms of women’s rights but nothing outside that immediate understanding. Well…at least I tried!! I’ll keep trying when I can.
    It’s hard seeing my dad as well because he has Parkinson’s which affects how he walks, he says it’s like his feet have forgotten how to walk….it’s just frustrating to see him getting so frustrated at himself. This is still new for me, Christmas was the first time I saw my dad like that and I only see my parents a few times a year.
    At least the weather is lovely, there’s nature everywhere, and Wednesday I saw the most beautiful moonrise I have ever ever seen, the moon was humongous (bigger than every supermoon I’ve seen) and it was a deep pinky-orange. Unfortunately we were in the car on a main road so I couldn’t take a photo.
    My 27 year old self is in touch with my 17 year old self this weekend – sneakily smoking out the window at 2am!
    Wishing you all a great weekend, please send gay vibes my way ;)

    • Best of luck fighting that uphill battle with your parents! Most of my family is blazingly liberal, but I have this one aunt and uncle who are Trump people and I’m not even going *near* the intersectionality convo with them, so I salute you.

      All the gay vibes from us here, so glad AS is helping you feel more at home!

    • Joyeuses Pâques ! I wish I had advice on queering the French countryside, but I’m trying to figure it out myself. I live in a community of <200 people, half of which, like me, live outside the main village. People here are white, Christian, heteronormative and remember the Nazi occupation. I love them, and as an outsider I've got some license to be quirky and exotic, but it's a weird dynamic to explore one's non-normative identity in.

      Best of luck with further "interesting" conversations! I don't have any gay vibes to send, but you can have some bi ones if that's all right. :)

    • I hope you find some joy in the countryside even without the immediate gay input.

      With regards to your Dad’s Parkinson’s, I saw a news report earlier this week on one of our Australian news channels about some new research released by a US university, sorry I can’t remember which one, that was reporting some promising results from a long term study done, having Parkinson’s patients spending sometime, around 45mins a day, I think, using a stationary bike. Apparently they’ve achieved some pretty remarkable improvements for patients with their gait disturbance and balance issues. I didn’t hear the entire news spot as I came into the room part of the way through, but my partner saw the whole of it and as her mother had the disease and we, as RN’s nursed her. We were doubly interested.
      Maybe a search will give you more info. It sounded like they had actually achieved a real breakthrough with their work. It may be a way to help your Dad.
      Good Luck with your visit and it’s associated complications.

  33. Things are going well right now (knock on wood)
    Dean’s list, finished the first year of my program, finished practicum, starting a new job, have a date tonight
    Just feeling lucky

  34. SIGUR RÓS PUTS ON THE BEST CONCERTS, aaaaaah! I saw them years ago and still tell people about how the drummer attacked the drum set at the end of Popplagið, and pieces of drumsticks went flying through the air all over the audience, and he just nonchalantly reached back and grabbed more drumsticks out of the quiver on his back. Fucking amazing.

  35. Hi folks! I’ve had to do grown up stuff this month/week-(hence my absence from here, and most other places tbh). Like getting new glasses-ouch money, taxing my van-ouch money, sorting out weird random insurance stuff that has quadrupled in premium, ordering a marriage certificate from Canada because we didn’t do it at the time but now we need it for stupid grown up stuff… yeah. My coping mechanism has been comic books and video games, it’s less regression, more a continuation of my unchanging, escapist, nerdom.

    One thing that I guess does pull from childhood is that recently I’ve been listening to Lighthouse Family. High is such an uplifting song. Not my normal taste in music at all but my surrogate sister was super into them when we were kids. It’s so chilled out, and almost cosy in it’s relaxed vibe. The auditory equivalent of a snuggly hoody at a spring beach bonfire.

    Today I hung out with friends, because it’s a bank holiday we finally all had time to catch up. It was cool-but I’ve seen no one (excluding opticians/bank tellers/post persons/utilities meter reader dude/barber) aside from my wife this week – so now I want to curl up into an antisocial ball for a few days…it was a lot. Going from seeing only 1 relatively stoic human to 5 excited loud ones – including a toddler (he’s super freaking cute) – was a lot. A lot. God it was so much. We have both been sitting in silence on our phones drinking herbal tea for 2 hours since we got in. The quiet is so nice.
    My sur-sis is visiting tmrw which will be nice, and Sunday is Easter family dinner. Our first holiday with my parents contending with my vegetarianism. Wish us all luck!
    Have great weekends folks where ever you are and what ever you are doing :)

    • I got new glasses recently too! Are you excited about yours?

      Best of luck with Veggie Easter!

      • I am kinda excited, it’s two pairs as I had to get prescription sunglasses too. It’s the first time I’ve gone completely alone to try on glasses, so I had no second opinion in the room (I messaged my wife a pic) I’m actually kinda nervous. Also the optician showed me glow in the dark sunglasses which frankly…what?

  36. I work at an elementary school this year so my inner child is thriving. I reread most of the Harry Potter series after one student got into the series and wanted to discuss it with me. It’s a lot of fun working at the school I went to, challenging the kids to find my name in a donated library book or mural.

    The downside of my job is that I share a room with teachers I used to have. I loved having them and we still get along great, but I could have lived without knowing who they voted for… One coworker questioned me up and down about what church I attended to make sure I was saved which made me laugh. If not going to church is that awful to her, she might have a heart attack if she found out I wasn’t straight. It still sucks to know my childhood role models would be appalled if I came out. I must still be seeking validation from them if their opinions affect me so hard.

    • I love that you reread HP for that reason. Teacher of the Year.

      Sorry to hear about your teachers from childhood, though. It is always strange when you realize stuff like that. My conservative hometown (and the schools therein) have gotten much more liberal surprisingly quickly in the past few years, so here’s to a similar change in your town sooner rather than later.

  37. I’m a full time writer who long since stopped looking for my inner adult. The only way I have one is for it not really to be me, I don’t do mature.
    That being said, 2 things that are big time embracing of inner child… 1 on Sunday my parents are getting me two Easter eggs and a bag of mini eggs and I’m having an egg hunt 2 I might go back to a park down street from house which is a park I’ve only been in twice and first time was when I was nine. It even has a Peter pan statue. He’s both symbolic and my childhood icon (Peter in brown not in green… I was adament on that as a kid, the brown one is from ‘Peter Pan and the Pirates’ and looks like childhood me but longer hair and actually has adventures)
    This week has gone weirdly fast.
    I’ve had two 5k + days writing wise. Four 3k+ ones. So doing well w camp nano. :) even if I did lower my goals. And my cabin is all writing lgbt fiction so feels like a queer space, although I don’t know if the other ppl in cabin are or not.
    Did anyone see the Sally story on Corrie or the Bex story on East Enders this week? Both had really gross bits and showed how mean ppl can be :( I think they missed an opportunity for a gay extra though on corrie, the girl Tim tackled should’ve been texting her gf…
    I really wish ppl I don’t like could stick away from stuff I do cos blurring those lines is tricky for me. I was reminded of someone Ive ended up not liking this week… So I’ve been spoiling myself with things like having sugar cereal for breakfast & s’more snack rather than no snack. I’ll get through those feelings w spoiling my inner thirteen yo & letting him do things he either enjoys and or things he ‘shouldn’t’ do (that are just small things).

  38. I got super-exciting news this week: a job offer! I’m taking a software engineering position in Silicon Valley, which I’ve been working toward for the last couple of years. This gets me out of North Carolina and far, far away from that non-repeal of HB2. Now I just need to figure out how I’m going to move out there in the next few weeks.

    My mother finished chemo at the end of March, which was a huge relief. Unfortunately, she still has some neuropathy, which I’m hoping goes away soon.

    • Ahhh congrats on the job offer! That’s such great news. California welcomes you!

      And congratulations to your mom too on getting through such an arduous time. I hope the residual effects clear up soon, but so glad to hear she’s done with this step!!

      Hope you’re doing something nice for yourself tonight to celebrate, on both fronts.

      • Thanks! I think that after I get moved, I’m going to buy myself a video game as a reward ;).

    • That’s awesome news, we welcome you out here. Maybe take a small U-haul and drive with a friend, then have your car transported over? Unless, you drive a car with enough room for your stuff?

      That’s also great news she finished chemo.

      • That may happen. I’m honestly most worried about finding an apartment, given this is the Bay Area we’re talking about.

  39. Hey all,

    I’ve had to check out a bit from my personal life for a little while. I’m hunting for a new job. So far things are going pretty well. I’ve had a few different phone screenings this week. I’m hoping that sometime in the next week or so I might actually get on site. Unfortunately, I feel presently under-prepared for such an endeavor. I’m trying to keep an even keel but I feel like I could panic at any moment.

    Adding to the stress, good ol’ Pennsylvania roads struck again. I hit a pothole late on Tuesday night and blew out both driver’s side tires and damaged the wheel rims. Fortunately, I planned for this after the last time it happened, so the damage was under warranty but I’ve been without a car until this afternoon which kinda stifled my ability to navigate my semi-rural environment.

    I’m so excited it’s Friday, but excuse me please while I go to bed early.


  40. Hola random people.

    My inner child comes out whenever I make good grades, which I got yesterday. I had three exams recently and made all 90s. I got a 91 in managerial accounting, a 99 in business law, and a 90 in finance. I got all giddy and screamed out loud when I saw my exam grade for finance. We were allowed to use formula sheets but I was never given the memo so I was the only one that had to do calculations by memory. My inner child was alive and causing mischief after because that’s what I did when I was younger. That seems to be my week really.

    Oh and I feel bad. My friend likes me and I like her but not really that way. At least I don’t think I like her romantically. I really value the friendship and I kind of rejected her because it just didn’t feel appropriate. I’m married and even though my wife and I agreed that we can do the whole poly thing, I felt like I was doing something wrong. Maybe it’s because I wasn’t be honest with my wife and I don’t like keeping things from her. If I get another partner, i want to be able to talk about her honestly with my wife. My friend did seem to be interested in dating both of us so that’s a positive curve ball I wasn’t expecting. I almost miss being the ass hole that didn’t care about other people and their feelings. When did I become such a softy? Damn you Autostraddle for making me change into less of an ass. ?

    Good thing this week. The guy at the head shop gave me some free kratom samples. Not bad. I bought 90 grams and I will start making some tea to combat my stress and anxiety. I dont need it in capsule form for pain management anymore. Hope it tastes good as a tea.

    Anyways… have a good weekend.

  41. I’m excited because my semester at university is essentially over (just have one tiny little assignment writeup to do tomorrow and a super easy presentation on monday) and I have a month off before I start summer school! I know I desperately need this free time and I want to use it to do things I don’t have time for during the school year … improving my cooking, studying languages, making more art etc. The last break I had from school I was pretty depressed since my aunt passed away and we were very close but I have finally gotten out of that funk and I’m so happy to have time to relax and do things for myself now that I have the energy and my mood has really improved.

    In a week and a half I’m going to have coffee with a girl I’ve been talking to online which is pretty scary and exciting. She’s easy to talk to over text but I don’t know how our face to face meeting will be. I guess I kind of wish it was a date but I know she’s looking for friends rather than a romantic relationship.

  42. This week I don’t think I’ve been up to anything particularly childlike really. Other than finding some of my old stuffed toys and playing with them last night. My parents are in the process of moving back into my (now renovated) childhood home so that’s weird. I even revisited the playground at my old primary school the other day. (I’m 19 but look a lot younger so I don’t think I looked that out of place).
    This week has been nice though. I’ve been back in Melbourne for uni holidays and I’ve caught up with a lot of my old friends. And I got to go see DeAnne Smith at the comedy festival on Tuesday night which was amazing! My friend and I met her afterwards and took a cute pic:

    I head back to Canberra tomorrow and honestly it’ll be nice to get home to all my friends. I’ll miss my family and my dog though.

    • Great pic :) and I love how you started w ‘I don’t think I did anything childlike’ then proceeded to talk about childlike things :) I actually envy you the childhood home thing esp since my parents hate my childhood home and were really glad to leave. If I was you, unless you live at home I’d beg them to make your bedroom back to how it was. I envy my mum having a bedroom that looks just like it did in the 80s. Mind you everyone’s different and that might just weird you out further.

    • Deanna Smith is just so lovely(her podcast is great too) and you all look great in that pic. Would love to see her preform live sometime.

  43. This week I don’t think I’ve been up to anything particularly childlike really. Other than finding some of my old stuffed toys and playing with them last night. My parents are in the process of moving back into my (now renovated) childhood home so that’s weird. I even revisited the playground at my old primary school the other day. (I’m 19 but look a lot younger so I don’t think I looked that out of place).
    This week has been nice though. I’ve been back in Melbourne for uni holidays and I’ve caught up with a lot of my old friends. And I got to go see DeAnne Smith at the comedy festival on Tuesday night which was amazing! My friend and I met her afterwards and took a cute pic:

    I head back to Canberra tomorrow and honestly it’ll be nice to get home to all my friends. I’ll miss my family and my dog though.
    On the topic of wearing clothes from the boys’ section, I would really love to start doing that but I’m too self conscious to walk in there… I almost tried on a striped tshirt though from the girls’ section the other day.

  44. Just told my mum I’m non-binary and she said ‘yeah I know, it’s interesting’… not sure how to take that lol. The thing is that even when I was a kid it wasn’t considered to be a thing which was well known about except in academic circles, I mean it wasn’t commonly known about like today.

    Just came off a very emotional conversation with her because she told me not to wear this outfit in public & we had an emotional conversation & then we agreed that we both knew what messages we were sending out, whether it’s me in this or her in hippy dresses & political t shirts, and that we both knew what people would say good and bad so it’s up to us. She’s even started to think that way about my stepdad (but poor bloke actually doesn’t know what he looks like, I don’t know if I’m internalising anti-aspie ableism here in thinking he needs fashion advice).

    Crying here and I don’t…

  45. I’m reading The Watchmen again for the first time since I was sixteen- so revisiting my inner teenager, perhaps? On a less positive note, I’ve moved for work to a fascinating, but deeply homophobic, country- going back into the closet at the age of 30 is not a good reminder of being a teenager. But I tried tamarind juice today, the weather is fantastic, it’s a four day weekend, and I really like my job!

  46. My actual child self was an traumatised and angry little fucker that rose from the crushed remains of a bubbly innocent so I know of this inner child renaissance, I do.
    But like also there’s some pop culture psychology thing rattling around my nogging that whispers I’ll always be a child, I’ll never grow up.
    In some way I’m permanently stunted and unable to develop into a real functional adult.
    And the gum smacking 14 who think’s they’re too cool for school like Faith Lehane or somethin sasses back, “What’s so functional about any the adult that were suppose ta be role models, anyway?

    Find those things that make you feel pure joy, cherish those kernels.
    But don’t get lost trying make those kernels a ball bit.

    I swear I’m the opposite of high.
    Last week I was full of antihistamines and felt like I was either vibrating or swimming in syrup. Right now I feel like I’m in some jitterly come down from a good hard fuck where I put my back in it and need to catch my breath like I was running.

    I’m chatty with TMI and stuff.
    woop boop-boop

  47. childhood renaissance is coming to me in the form of realizing that my very petite body still fits pretty nicely into kids clothes at the same time that kids clothes are getting SUPER stylish. i got this great pair of redwing lookalike boots in the boys section at target on clearance for like $10. and i saw floral embroidered jeans in the girls section at target ($28) a day after i saw floral embroidered jeans all over gucci’s instagram ($1,200).
    also, girl’s jeans have bigger pockets than women’s jeans. what’s up with that?
    i’m on a quest for a proper suit and unfortunately i’m having significantly worse luck. can any of you lovely people recommend a place to find suiting for a (very) petite dapper lez on a tight budget? i’m going for the sexy semi-androgynous cate blanchett kinda look.

    in more serious news, my grandfather passed away a few weeks ago and i am now entirely grandparentless. we were never particularly close and he’s had dementia for quite some time — he hasn’t recognized me for at least the past four or five years — but it’s another big family change right when it looked like things were settling down on that front and it’s an odd feeling to now be the second-oldest generation on either side of my family rather than the third. and i feel selfish for primarily worrying that this will be another road block in the Great Ongoing Coming-Out Process Now Two Years In The Making. gah. we’ll see where it goes.

    in happier news, next year’s editor-in-chief for the newspaper i work at has been selected and it’s one of my favorite people in the office! we work together a lot in our current positions and i think our leadership styles/personalities/work habits compliment each other well. i’m shooting for the second-in-command position so hopefully having the big boss be someone i have a good rapport with will bode well. wish me luck.

  48. Hi,
    My wife works nightshift so, while she’s working, I’ve been vegging out on all my favorite children’s movies. From Harry Potter to Sleeping Beauty and everything in-between and I’m loving it! It makes me miss when our kids were little and this was a regular nighttime thing!

    I just saw “Moana” 2 weeks ago and I watched it twice in one night! LOL!

    Finding your inner child keeps you young, I think, so why not? Last thought, who gets to decide what’s “childish” or not? :)

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