FRIDAY OPEN THREAD: Bring Me Your Tired and Your Queer as Fuck

Welcome to Friday Open Thread, a 24-hour internet and cat cafe where there’s always a perfect cozy seat near an outlet, a strong wi-fi signal, and a striped tabby sleeping nearby or a place for us to dump our feelings and ideas and thoughts and share with each other as we dash madly towards the weekend.

I was blessed/cursed with two snow days last week, luckily right after a huge work project wrapped up. We have had such a mild winter so far compared to most years, with the exception of two huuuuuuuuge snowstorms. One was last week. It went from green grass to over a foot of snow and piles everywhere in less than 36 hours.

A post shared by KaeLyn Rich (@kaelynrich) on

It’s melting now and we’re heading into my least favorite season, spring, the muddy gross season of worms on the sidewalk and just overall dampness. I guess it’s fitting since it’s the season of birth and renewal and whatnot. Birth comes with a lot of overall dampness. Blech. When will it be fall again?

Waffle and I have been getting really into crockpot cooking. It’s like a grown up hot pot! We’re really into recipes that involve dumping a lot of processed ingredients into the crock pot with some sort of protein. Like, 50’s housewife recipes that use cream of mushroom soup as the foundation (like this so-called “Swedish Meatball” dish). I’m a lazy cook and I’m not ashamed.

Working at the New York affiliate of the ACLU is quite a wild ride these days. It’s a constant rage cycle as Captain Asshole (Trump) releases one unconstitutional executive order after another. The silver lining is that lots of other folks are also concerned about the assault on civil rights and civil liberties. We had our second-ever state lobby day last week and it was HUGE. Over 1,000 people met up in our state’s capital to demand justice, fairness, and equality. It was super inspiring to be a part of and made me really proud to work for an organization that fights for the rights of all people.

Life with a T. Rex has finally settled into something resembling a pattern. Or, at least, I have figured out how to get through the day and Remi rarely wakes up more than once at night (yay!). Still, at the end of the day, I’m emotionally and physically exhausted. This work-life balance thing with kids is daaaamn hard. Remember when I was bored and waiting for this kid to arrive? HAHAHAHAHA. I hear I will one day not be tired all the time. In, like, 10 years. Huzzah!

It me. (via Shutterstock)

What in the world is up with you, babes of Autostraddle? What’s new? Got any good, cheap, easy crockpot recipes for me? Watching anything good on the TV? Cool plans for the weekend? New loves? Old loves? Are you having a mid-life or quarter-life crisis? What color are your socks? Are you wearing socks? What do you loathe the most about the Trump administration? How is school/work/life? Got any new pics of your dog/dinner/plant/face? GIVE IT ALL TO ME I WANT YOUR LIFE LET ME HAVE IT!

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KaeLyn is a 40-year-old hard femme bisexual dino mom. You can typically find her binge-watching TV, standing somewhere with a mic or a sign in her hand, over-caffeinating herself, or just generally doing too many things at once. She lives in Upstate NY with her spouse, a baby T. rex, a scaredy cat, an elderly betta fish, and two rascally rabbits. You can buy her debut book, Girls Resist! A Guide to Activism, Leadership, and Starting a Revolution if you want to, if you feel like it, if that's a thing that interests you or whatever.

KaeLyn has written 230 articles for us.


  1. hello darlin! and dearests of all darlings!

    crockpot is great and my crockpot secrets are full stop a bunch of chicken thighs and then, anything goes. I don’t know if there’s a trader joe’s where you live but they have this soyaki sauce that is annoyingly marketed but is actually incredible. lately I’ve been into buying sauces that aren’t extra-extra sodium and just being like, here you go, meats and greens, get delicious.

    we’ve been eating a lot of meat and greens bc babe is trying to keep her blood sugar down whilst pregnant bc that’s what the midwife said to do which is I think scientifically accurate but also I was like I’M NOT LISTENING TO ANYTHING YOU SAY IF YOU HATE FAT PEOPLE CATEGORICALLY so luckily the advice was consistent until we found someone who wasn’t a pile of flaming garbage at talking to fat people about health things.

    I’ve had a very chill week mostly becuase last week was SUPER intense and this week with clients I was just very like “uh huh, and how did that make you feel” and wasn’t like “but what if we go down the rabbit hole of your trauma” because that was all last week and I just couldn’t do it unless they were pushing it.

    otherwise, I read ‘when the moon was ours’ which is PERFECT. queer magic! multiple excellent trans characters! so great.

    we have hella swedish meatballs in seattle because there are historically hella swedish people which I appreciate mostly because white people are less dangerous when they’re like “I’m this thing I have a context and a history” and not like “I have a generalized sense of indignation and entitlement which I will use to wreak havoc on the world in general.” Plus Swedes have lots of desserts with some kind of flakey crust, I don’t know if it’s technically phyllo dough but it’s something like it.

    I haven’t been close-reading the news this week because it’s on fucking fire, but my honey has been giving me steady updates but has gotten better at when I’m like “REACHING INFORMATION CAPACITY” to respond accordingly and not just externally process all this stressful information at me. In our house right now I have a pretty short threshold for hearing about it in non-actionable-item format, and lots of room to be like “you’re having a feeling let’s go for a walk let’s watch a movie let’s call some people and yell” and not a lot for like, being the receptacle for grief and rage, because I just can’t do that for all people all the time.

    otherwise, it’s a dim rainy day in Seattle, but I’m feeling pretty good and have lots of sweet plans to see friends this weekend and I’m really looking forward to it. and lots of annoying plans to see family, but hopefully it won’t be super stressful and weird. :/

    happy weekend, babes!

    • I’ve been reading more fiction to cope with the news. It helps. Trying to live by: If you can fix it, do, if you can’t fix it, fuck it.

    • Don’t get me started on being a fat pregnant person. :/ Fat people can be healthy and low-risk, believe it or not! I’m not even saying I am healthy. Just don’t assume I’m not because I’m fat! Grr!

      My mom is half Swedish. I feel like there’s a lot of flaky pastry and a lot of almonds/almond-flavored things?

      • Oohh did you ever have prinsesstarta? There used to be
        a swedish bakery opposite work and they were such a yummy almondy creamy treat.

        • I actually find princess cake really disappointing it does not feel princessy or indulgent to me, but there are like 3 swedish bakeries near my house and I gaze at them lovingly often. (I’m barely exaggerating there are 2 that are a 10 min drive away)

      • “Fat people can be healthy and low-risk, believe it or not!” YES. I get worked about these kinds of assumptions, too!!

      • yeah totally! ask before you assume, rude doctors!

        babe is pregnant & fat but luckily low-risk so we get to go to a really beautiful birth center and have the midwife we like and I’m stoked about that.

        you’re so right about almonds I forgot about that! isn’t that funny. and all that almond paste. I don’t actually love it that much, but it’s still pretty novel for me.

      • This conversation confuses me. ???

        I lived in Sweden for 25 years and I can’t for the love of smörgåsbord think of a single Swedish flaky pastry??? I mean, sure, coffee shops in Sweden sell foreign flaky pastries, like weirdly Swedified mille-feuille pastries and danishes, but Swedish pastries???

        Have I selectively forgotten a huge part of Swedish culinary culture?

        Or do you mean not phyllo and flaky, but like, buttery shortbread, which Sweden does in literally hundreds of variations?

        • It is entirely possible that this is a specifically Swedish-American thing to appease non-Swedish palettes? Much like American Chinese food is like the opposite of actual Chinese food? I don’t know. I do know that I’m totally OK with almond paste.

          • I’m pretty sure not liking almond paste is a crime punishable with having your Swedish nationality revoked. ;)

            I just pulled out the Bible of Swedish baking, just to make sure I wasn’t overlooking something glaringly obvious. (That would be typical, wouldn’t it? “No, no, Swedes never do that! Well, okay, sure, when you put it that way that’s like 50% of what they do.”) There’s a short chapter on variations on a danish, but other than that I couldn’t find anything flaky. Contemporary Swedes do love a good danish, though, so Swedish-Americans aren’t far off.

            Come to think of it, I’m not sure at which part of a fika I’d eat a flaky pastry if presented with one. I was taught that one must eat the soft cakes first and the dry cakes last, but no one ever taught me what to do with a danish. That’s going to bother me all day! :)

        • wow how interesting! it’s also possible that I’m transposing ‘flaky’ for ‘crumbly’ because there are so many crumbly pastries….

          also there’s probably an obvious reason for eating soft cakes first and dry cakes last but is there a particular cultural reason besides, you don’t want the soft cakes to dry out?

    • I also have plans to see family this weekend and before it even started it go weird because NO ON COMMUNICATES LIKE AN ADULT IN MY FAMILY. Sigh. I hope your family plans go as well as possible!

      • JESUS right?!

        ugh, me too, hope yours goes okay. I just have a dinner with all my cousins and then have to go help with crafting for like, my sister in law’s bridal shower, or whatever and normally I see my family like every couple months and so 2x in one weekend is really extra.

        Let’s hope for the best! Maybe there will be good snacks!

    • Yes! I like that about Seattle too. Specifics can go a long way toward grounding a person/people in reality.

  2. You can pretty much do anything in a crockpot. So all your soups? You’re good to go–and I always think soup is a great “I’m too tired to think” dish anyway. You can virtually toss anything in with some spices and be golden. My mom swears by Hashbrowns for simple potato soup Here’s a crockpot recipe for that–and you can adjust or change the cheeses here.

    You can also make pulled pork and even ribs in a crockpot but it does take quite a long time for it to be done. Oh, and of course like, pot roast and the like. I can dig up those if anyone needs recipes.

    Since spring is coming and those with kids might start drowning in hardboiled dyed eggs– Creamed Eggs Are Here 4 u. You might be able to make this in a crock pot (or keep things warm?) but I never have. The thing is, its an easy thing to do with all those hard boiled eggs lying around. It’s also very plain–so good for picky eaters or if someone has an upset stomach. For those who want a little more I’ve mixed this recipe with smoked salmon and grilled veggies (do it), steak (dying slowly thinking about it), and various other things like bacon, sandwich meat, cheese, etc. TLDR You can make it kid friendly or brunch it up to something insane.

    I just got a crepe/naan/pizzelle maker because I’m lazy and distractible /shrug at least I’ll stop burning pancakes.

    My life beyond this is dull. I’m trying to fix my people avoidance but it seems like I’m now avoiding my avoidance so I think I’ve just leveled up a skill I don’t really need.

    Since about fall this year–or so, I just have a continuous laughter crises of “oh, I’m queerer than i thought” and today after listening to Born Slippy for the first time in nearly a decade i remembered a story I wrote at 20 and its just…

    Dear College Girl I Used To Be:

    What the fuck, how did you not click in to this level. Would have liked not to be doing this reflection ten years later.

    Like I knew I was not straight but… jeez. And I have to keep sharing this because I want everyone to face-palm with me and laugh.

    • I did not know about creamed eggs and now I do! What a day! Also, now I am having nostalgia feelings for Trainspotting. Oh the 90’s…

      • I’ve only ever met one other person who knew what i was talking about when I mentioned Creamed Eggs and I am 100% certain the only reason why we both knew was our mothers mutually went “hey whats the best way to distract a pre-schooler in spring? DYING EGGS” and then had to figure out something to do with them.

        But I do swear by them as a simple comfort food and something to jazz up.

        … and, yeah, me too. Or early 2000s for me because I’ve always been a bit delayed…

      • I’m drafting an imaginary support network for all the past selves here for our future selves going “…how did you not…”

        Though I do lay a lot of blame on people telling me I was in not-nice-ways. I have always been one for the spite-turn-cheek move. Past me should have gone “what of it” and thrown herself into terrible lesbian romance teen plotlines (minus the death)

    • Shut your dirty little mouth. This post is pornagraphorish (I madeup that word). I <3 FOOD!!! Tell me more about hashbrowns.

      • Have some

        Hashbrown Latkes

        make your own hashbrowns

        No need for a recipe: just dress your hashbowns the way you would a fully loaded baked potato

        I’ve also heard of this… thing where people smash avocado all over a lovely piece of bread. I feel like this would also work on hashbrowns

        Might I consider hashbrowns, bacon, poached egg, and hollandaise?

        Hashbrowns, jalapanos, black beans, cumin and other spices to taste? Meet optional and top with a fried egg?

        Did you know Hashbrowns go great with

        Spicy Dr Pepper Pulled Pork? I also added some black beans and caramelized veggies before

        I feel that with a densely packed set of hashbrowns you could top with the same things as quesadilla and pizza if you wanted. or you could make it a breakfast pizza…you know, with eggs and cheese.

        Or you could go with a breakfast bake

        Mix together ½ pound cooked, crumbled breakfast sausage, 1 package uncooked hash browns, 4 eggs, 1 cup grated Cheddar cheese and ½ cup half-and-half or whole milk. Season with salt and pepper and transfer to a 2-quart baking dish. Bake at 350 degrees F until the eggs are set and the potatoes are cooked, about 45 minutes.

        ….I could probably go on

    • At least every other day in my life at the moment involved a message to my best friend involving an anecdote or memory followed by the words ” HOW DID I NOT KNOW I WAS GAY”… or ” just when I thought I couldn’t get any gayer, I just did.”
      So I feel you on that!

      • its always good to share the awkward and hilarious feelings along “…wait how did I not…”

    • Creamed eggs are a totally new thing to me. Had never heard of it, and now I kind of want to try it. Also really intrigued by this Dr. Pepper pulled pork thing here. I love cooking pork shoulder but I don’t do it all the time because it takes so long.

      On a somewhat similar note, I’ve been experimenting with incorporating sweet ingredients into savory dishes (and mostly in the crock pot, as it happens). One I did recently was a stew with lamb and veggies with sour cherry jam. I balanced out the sweetness of the jam with rice vinegar, canned tomatoes, salt and garlic and some other spices. It turned out really tasty.

      • That lamb sounds really intriguing? I’m always a little weary of sweet/savory but i might have to poke around with that.

        So the pulled pork can be a bit spicy for some people so do be careful if you or those who are going to eat are sensitive to spice! You can half the adobo or double it if you like a real kick. I mostly cook it over night so I can happily sleep through the process.

        Creamed eggs are a comfort food to me, so I’m happy to share my base-bland egg recipe

    • Sara! Vicky! Jane! Katelyn! Yes, I’m here for this. I feared I was the only late breaking lesbian. And yet, you all figured your​ shit out well before I did.

      So… Um… where does a woman start these days? As a thirty five year old adult… mother… (thank goodness living in a major city,but still)…

      I’ve read widely. I’m not ignorant. But where does one begin joining a new identity in 2017?

      • You are only a few years older than me! AND have the benefit of at least having some dating experience from the sound of things :) –I buried myself in academia and other things instead for a while.

        So there’s sometimes clubs–but depends on the city. I know there is one in Phoenix at least and one in Atlanta … alas, I’m really overwhelmed by clubs so I can’t really say how those jive. I do intend to go to My Sisters Room when a friend comes to visit but I wouldn’t wait on me.

        And then I’d suggest Again, I’m a horribly avoidant person so I only went to a few in Phoenix and still haven’t managed in Atlanta –but in both cases I found at least a few LGBT groups! I keep debating on making my own queer book club but I think I’d cry if no one joined.

        I’ve tried apps–Tinder has been the best for conversations, actually, but I haven’t gotten far myself. I’ve also played around with HER and Scissor? But ymmv–probably depends on the city?

        Good luck, alas, its a blind-leading-blind

  3. New Grace and Frankie in time for my birthday! Suck it, everyone whose birthday does not coincide with the season 3 release!

    In more somber news, the Atlantic’s timeline has me thinking about the isolation of my experience coming of age during the beginning of the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq. Being a teen, being closeted to even myself, being told “Join the military” by well-meaning former mentors because that is what you do when you are poor and need to escape, defying that logical but wrong advice. Wondering how I could have saved someone from my past who joined and should not have. Seeing younger adults who don’t remember a “before 9/11” and older adults who will never grasp this headspace. Ugh, sorry I’m bleak. It’s the weather.

    • I didn’t realize Grace and Frankie S3 was this week, thank you! I know what my saturday night plans are now!

    • I was a freshman in college when 9/11 happened and I so feel you. I’ve been thinking back to those days often lately. Everything feels grim and sharp and hard again right now and the intensity of the daily news cycle brings me back to cutting me teeth protesting the Iraq war (and everything else) in the early 2000’s. It’s bizarre that some adults today don’t remember 9/11, though I was born in the 80’s and don’t really remember the AIDS epidemic and I imagine that is weird to my elders.

      Anyway, yeah, there’s a lot. Happy G&F birthday!

  4. Ten minutes ago I bit into a biscuit I made last week and encountered a glob of unmerged baking powder that had been melded together with butter and it tasted like licking the bottom of a car and all the moisture in my mouth vanished in an instant. It was the worst sensory experience of my life. Save me.

    • This comment gave me sympathy sensory pangs in my mouth and nose. Was it like when you try to swallow a pill with water but it doesn’t go down, and then starts to dissolve in your mouth before you can get another swallow of water in?

      • It was exactly like that except instead of that awful chalky, minty taste, it was more like raw oil and metal and I took two sips of water and it felt like I had just dabbed my tongue with a tissue. I hope no one on the planet ever has to go through that experience again.

    • I made vegan muffins once that looked and smelled delicious, but tasted like straight up baking powder. I have no idea what I did wrong, still, but I do remember the taste. BLECH. Drink water. Chew gum. Do what you must to get rid of the taste.

  5. Hi all. Hope you’re having a nice Friday. My brain is tired so I’ve brought it to this thread.

    On the topic of weird dreams, I wrote these down because I wanted to share them today. I apologize in advance. Let’s start.

    I had two days of consecutive dreams involving Riese. Don’t ask me why. They were non-romantic, non-sexual (well, mostly) let’s clear that up from the start.

    On Monday, Riese and I decided to go into business together. Niche clothing, not quite thrifty, but definitely consignment. Our shop was on the second floor level of a two story strip mall. We had the left corner unit. As I was heading into work that morning around 5 AM, I passed a giant brown bear. The bear was a little out of place, I mean, we were downtown in some small suburb somewhere. We nodded at each other as we passed by. As I approached the store, it was clear to me that Riese had already arrived that morning. The lights were on and the store looked ready to open, but something was odd about it. The front door to the store was cracked open, like someone had broken in. Realizing that something might’ve happened in the store, I carefully approached the door and peeked in. The place was a mess. There were clothes everywhere, strewn all across the floor. Some mannequins were knocked down. There’d been some sort of fight. And Riese, she was there, bleeding on the floor! Apparently, the bear had broken in and tried to return something that it didn’t have a receipt for. The bear had mauled Riese when she refused to honor the return. It was at that point that my first aid training kicked in. I patched her up with fabric on the floor and carried her in my arms to mega-corp hospital down the road I’d originally passed the bear. I was starting to wake up by this point, but the last thing I remember seeing was the bear on two legs in a doctor’s robe.

    Then on Tuesday, Riese and I were roommates. We had this two bedroom apartment, with only ONE bathroom, it was a disaster. Anyway, on this particular day Riese invited Jen Richards over to hang out. They didn’t want to hang out with me of course, so I was sulking watching some dumb show on TV. Jen’s like a role model to me. I just wanted to hang out :( Well anyway, I think Jen recognized that I was like being passive-aggressive over the whole thing. So she’s like, “Here sweetheart. Why don’t you have this?”. She hands me a velvet bag full of sex toys. Like, the good ones. Then I woke up.

    Y’all my dreams are weird. Sorry Riese for all the weird dreams!

    Bonus Content:

    My favorite white chicken chili slow cooker recipe:

    • Frickin’ bears with their no frickin’ pockets and always throwing their frickin’ receipts away ’cause they can’t frickin’ carry them and they won’t buy frickin’ fanny packs. Cheapskate ursine jerks.

  6. Hi Friends! I’m all over the place today.

    *Kaelyn that pic from the rally is rad! Like adorable and powerful all at the same time.

    *My dog is on the mend! He could hardly walk last weekend thanks to back spasms (I believe he essentially threw his back out) and I had to find doggie aspirin and then special-order doggie aspirin without the yellow dye that he’s allergic to in it, and hand-feed him little bits of food to calm his stomach, and give him lots of lovins and cuddles because he didn’t feel well and was scared. He’s ten year old (a small dog) and this is the first glimpse into old age we’ve had for him thus far. It was freaky! I want him to be okay and happy all his life!

    *Last weekend, a young Black man, Desmond Phillips, was shot and killed by police in my town. He was experiencing confusion in the wake of a seizure and was armed with a butter knife and a small paring knife. Bullets went through the walls into nearby apartments. Hopefully this story will continue to gain traction: (while this story seems to be one of the more accurate ones, his family takes issue with the description of Phillips as “mentally ill,” noting that he experienced seizures in the wake of a traumatic brain injury that happened last year).

    That just kind of took the wind out of my sails for anything else I might report this morning…But happy Friday, loves!

    • oof, that definitely sounds like A Day. Glad your doggo is getting better!

      Desmond Phillips <3

    • I’m glad your doggie is on the mend. It’s so hard when our furbabies get older, especially when the health problems start. <3 to you both as you deal with it.

      The murder of Desmond Phillips is fucked up and awful and I can’t imagine what his family is going through right now.


  7. Happy Friday!! Glad to hear life with T-Rex is going well, I loved your series before their birth!

    I’m super glad it’s Friday, AND I only have a couple of weeks left in the terrible, terrible place I live with the terrible, terrible company I work for. Thank god(dess) for short term contracts and hopefully soon new adventures!

    And this weekend I’m going to bingewatch TV/movies, do any of you lovely people have any recommendations for light & happy media which doesn’t make you angry because homophobia/racism/sexism etc?

    Hope everyone on here has a great weekend!!

    • I recommend Grace and Frankie if you haven’t already seen it, or Unbreakable Kimmie Schmidt, or One Day at a Time.

      • Totally watch Grace and Frankie! Season 3 just came out today! Also One Day at a Time is absolutely delightful.

    • Also, I whole heartedly recommend Steven Universe. It is such a good show anyway (super queer, super feminist) but I especially love watching “kids shows” when everything is TOO much! That and My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic because friendship IS magic. Both of these shows are EXCELLENT and are safe to watch when I’m depressed.

    • Happy new adventures! I hope the next couple weeks fly by!

      I 100% endorse Stephen Universe! Even if you’re not usually into cartoons, it has so many tender queer moments that will make your heart explode and it somehow balances that with a great amount of silliness and an ever-expanding plot/world-building component. HIGHLY RECOMMEND.

  8. It’s not even noon yet and I have already asked a co-working if we could skip out on the rest of the day and just head to the bar and they actually considered it. It’s just been one of those days!

    The new season of Grace and Frankie is out today, I can’t wait to hunker down with my two favorite divorcees.

    • I don’t go to work for another thirty minutes and I’m already feeling like I want to skip out early! Friday afternoons pretty much always feel like that to me. I’m so excited for G&F! That’s my whole Saturday!

      • That is how I felt when I woke up this morning and considered calling in sick. I will be watching along with you on Saturday.

    • This was my day too. I was thisclose to just fucking off somewhere that was Not Work for the afternoon. Alas, responsibilities are a thing…

  9. I’d like to turn my post into a cream of mushroom appreciation post. I love putting it on pasta and eating it with some parmesan for a less creamy alfredo-type sauce. (I don’t love creamy things – I know, I’m weird). Maybe I’ll make some of that right now for lunch! I’m home sick today because I’ve been having dizzy spells, but I’m feeling okay.

    Monday is my musical memoir about my mental illness. NYC, come out and support, please! Tickets are only $10 (plus a 2-drink minimum, but you can get soda).

    Off to make cream of mushroom pasta!

    • Good luck with your opening this weekend! Sorry I’m not in the city this weekend. I actually live upstate. I hope it goes super duper well! Break a leg!

      You actually inspired me to pick up a can of cream of mushroom soup last night and I’m going to maybe mix it into a sauce to go over some penne and spinach and sausage situation? I dunno! We’ll see what happens!

  10. I worked myself into an indignant huff about the French presidential election this week, and I ended up writing a thing in English about the candidates’ positions on LGB(T) rights. My experience tells me that exactly zero people are going to care, but I’m still glad that I wrote it. Same-sex couples could lose the right to marry and adopt, if anyone was wondering.

    On the upside we’ve had some lovely spring weather and there are flowers everywhere.

    Also, I bought faux leather shorts for the summer (and also before summer, when paired with tights), and it’s the first time I’ve bought something in 15 years that fits both my waist and my hips.

    In WTF news, I’ve found myself being included in the group “older women” three times this week. Once in the skeevy “I love older women” sense.

    • Ugh the election. My French wife is horrified by how much support the Front National has.

      • It’s incredibly disheartening. Part of what freaks me out about the extreme-right vote from a LGBT perspective is how popular it is among gay men, judging by the 2015 regionals. Front National has almost 40% of the married male homosexual vote — a party that promises to eradicate same-sex marriage! Not retroactively, though, so I guess it’s fine for those already married? Not that women married to women are saints with about 25% voting for the extreme-right.

    • How old is “older woman”? Am I one? I don’t know what the threshold was. I think when I was 19, I thought 35 was “older.” But now that I’m in my mid-thirties, I feel like maybe 50 is “old”? I definitely am starting to feel a significant age gap between myself and the average undergraduate student which is somewhat strange to realize!

      Those shorts sound comfy and sexy!

      • Haha, Mr. “I love older women” put the range at 30-50. After that you’re presumably dead or elderly, whatever it is women become after they stop being a “sexy older woman”.

        I’ve been married and paying a mortgage since I was 22, so I’ve had trouble relating to undergraduates for the past ten years. Still, I didn’t quite expect to be over the hill, attractive only “if you’re into that kind of thing” by 32. :D

  11. You guys! During last year’s grad admissions cycle I got rejected from every one of the 12 schools I applied to. And that was my second year of applying to grad school.

    This year? I found out this week that I’ve been accepted to my top program with an amazing fellowship. I’M SO EXCITED.

  12. I’m still waiting to hear about the two jobs I was interviewing for who were going to be in touch “before the end of the week” and it’s mid-afternoon Friday so prognosis isn’t good and feeling very far behind where I was a week ago. I’ve been searching for a full-time position (contract or permanent! or at least 3+ full days a week!) basically all of the time since graduating ten years ago and sometimes I regret leaving the cafe job I had at 22 because at least I got 3-5 days a week there and it was the most solid employment I’ve had since. People have babies and buy houses and I have so little economic stability I can barely meet the qualifications to live with roommates.

    I think I’m not getting as many hours with the weird contract work I’m doing because my wardrobe isn’t feminine enough and some of my more masculine work clothes are less work-y than those of the actual men working there and I can’t actually afford to remedy this until I get more hours and all of it is exhausting. I’ve been working so hard between three freelance jobs and applying for real jobs and I haven’t had time to write in months and I don’t really know who I am any more.

    However I can tell you my socks are blue with grey dots.

    • Your socks sound delightful.

      I’m genuinely sorry that you’re struggling so much to make ends meet right now. “Professional dress” is really bullshit and gender normative professional dress norms are really extra bullshit. I’m sorry it’s holding you back. Sending <3 and I hope you are able to have a cup of tea and maybe pet a cat once in a while, at least.

    • You Will Survive. Prevail and Make it Out Of this Challenging Time. I am so sorry to hear about the bullshit you are going through and I can RELATE. I dealt with all of that stuff and then went even lower (will spare you the gritty details) but but BUT it DOES GET BETTER!!! FINALLY, I have a job run by women that pays well and doesn’t make me feel small or stupid. I posted ab coming out ab having PTSD at to my boss this job actually today here and I feel more emboldened and empowered to just be my effing whole person at work than I ever have. It is possible. It does happen! Stay Strong <3

  13. What kind of crock pot recipes are you looking for? Stews, pasta, Indian or something else? Since it is the first week of Spring, it means it is New Years for the Iranian(and former Persian Empire countries); which happens the minute it turns Spring & varies by time year to year. I will share you a traditional Persian stew Fesenjoon. One could also substitute the meat for chopped mushrooms(which is the version my family makes these days partially for health reasons). Not my family recipe(my grandma sometimes jokes it’s a family secret, but close enough. Since that one didn’t look to be on a slow cooker, I found another one that is. It suggest to put it on low for 8-9 hours(my mother does it on low usually) or 4-5 on high.

    How’s everyone’s week going? Mines has been good. I made friends(via tumblr) with a fellow vegan trans Jew from Ferguson, Missouri) and the contrast is day and night. It’s a stark contrast to the safety I am thankful for out here, where hardcore Antisemitism is a thing still, and rights of lgbtq people are always still in question. But, on the positive side, they were telling me their Rabbi is a queer & trans and vegan southern food.

    It was a friends birthday last Saturday and I had a great time spending it with queer and trans folks galore. My friend Mary Jane was with me & gave me the courage to do karaoke. I again sang Judas Priests- Breaking the Law & dedicated to the lgbtq community in Republican areas. I can’t really sing at all, but I try my best & do have queerness on stage so there is that. Even had a few people say I rocked both with my fave shade of purple lipstick & my performance, yay! I also walked into a gender neutral restroom to quickly turn around cause two woc were having fun, I think they were more embarrassed than I was, I was just happy for them Then ate food after 2am with my friend, which is always great. I also made friends with a delightful queer woman, who I hope I get to hangout with again.

    Is anyone in SoCal area going to the queer carnival in East Hollywood? I am thinking about going, but I prefer not to go alone. I may also be a good event to have one of those photo essays on Autostraddle?

    I queered up another lamp-post/traffic light this week. Caption reads: Cis-tem is broken not you!

    Thank you for viewing and reading my post. Have a positive weekend!

          • I like that idea, more so if it’s with glitter. Or maybe I see if I can find one in the trans pride colors pen.

          • I went to a store down the street from my work, and they didn’t have glitter pen. I instead got a purple alcohol based pen that matches my usual lipstick shade. Unfortunately, it isn’t bright enough against green, and grey light posts. :-/ I’ll have to think of something.

      • Please do, the more the better(and if you get famous because of it just remember and buy me a drink). I have others too on my tumblr, you can check and use if you like.

  14. I’m currently entertaining myself by having posted a list of unlikely things – ex. I’m pregnant, I got arrested, etc. – on FB and making people guess which one is true. Most people have guessed wrong and I feel all smug about subverting everyone’s expectations. (The correct answer is tattoo – I never thought I’d get one, but then I came up with an idea that was personally significant to me and had it done last Friday.)

  15. Cheers to Kaelyn! I hope you have ample help with uncovering your car! All that snow in a day and a half seems brutal.

    Today I have been forced to choose between watching the Grace and Frankie S3 premiere or going downtown to a RuPaul’s Drag Race premiere screening at a bar. Unfair! I am choosing the latter, despite not having anyone to go with, so my sister told me to send her some stream-of-consciousness emojis if I start to feel anxious.

    Does anyone else have an Instant Pot? I love my crock pot for yummy vegetarian stuff I can turn on low and then go to work, but I’ve had my instant pot for over a year and never used it because I’m genuinely scared of it. If I forget to do a quick-release in the middle, will I bring about my own demise?

    My biggest Tr*mp gripe this week has been the erasure of LGBTQ+ elders from that health survey….from the guy who said “just ask the gays” while campaigning…?? What’s the problem, dude? #literallyjustaskthegays PLEASE.

    Have a gorgeous weekend, everyone! I’m keeping my fingers crossed for sunshine, but I think everyone in Washington knows that’s high key El Oh El.


      Sorry, kinda lost my shit there, but honestly, unreal how cool that thing is. Don’t be scared of it, it won’t bite, and the quick release (or not) isn’t super critical. (Though I DO recommend using a spoon or something not made of delicate you-parts to release, because that steam is NOT FUCKING AROUND.) Do you like hard boiled eggs, because that’s a good place to start, it’s easy, hard to mess up, and not at all scary.

      I’m going home now and hoping it’s warm enough outside for a beer on the deck, so I apologize for any scrambled thoughts here, I’m reallyreallyreallyready to leave work.

        I seriously have no idea what to make but hard boiled eggs sound like a good place to start. There are just so many buttons and features… I need to read the handbook again!

    • I hope you had fun at the Drag Race screening! I didn’t know what an instant pot was, but now I do and it looks really nifty! It does so many things! Yogurt maker?! WOAH!

  16. After spending a week at “Dissertation Boot Camp” (which was not that boot camp-like because it did not start until 9 a.m.), I’m heading from New Jersey in to New York City this evening to see a show in which another grad student from my department is performing, Non-Consensual Relationships With Ghosts. The show is really late at night (10 p.m.), by my standards, and I’ll probably have to get the very last train back to Princeton. Still, it should be fun. The show sounds kind of queer, and my friend is playing a nun. This is very different from my past few weekends, which have been spent curled up on the couch in my apartment, reading. I just moved last month, so I’ve been enjoying the peace and quiet.

    • That play sounds really cool!!! The playwright is very queer, so I feel like it had to be very queer. What did you think of it? Did you get home safely, @soledad?

      • Yes, @kaelynrich, I made the trains and got back home fine.

        The show was indeed political, experimental, diverse, queer, and quirky. The student from my department (incidentally, the first woman I realized I had a crush on, back in my first year of grad school) had mentioned that she’d be playing a nun at some point, so I was eagerly awaiting that for most of the show. One of the moments that stuck with me, other than the whole cast appearing dressed as nuns towards the end (but with some people wearing the wimple so that part of it stuck out like white yoda ears), was a scene when the cast donned blond wigs, clamored to “build the wall,” and sang about greed and how the Bible can be interpreted to get what you want.

  17. Hi everyone!

    I might be going home this weekend. By “home” I mean to visit my cousins in DC. I’ve only been there once for one weekend, but it felt more like home than my hometown ever has. I’m really hoping I get to go.

    Also, my therapist said I should take medication for my anxiety. Of course, the idea makes me very anxious. Any advice?

    The latest Trumpocalypse news that’s been bothering me is the Republican hypocrisy surrounding basically everything, but in particular the Supreme Count nomination.

    • By this weekend, I mean next weekend. And the cousins are also queer and are therefore much more accepting than the nuclear family members that I live with.

        • I am also visiting way less bigoted distant cousins this weekend! 3 cheers for extended family that DOES NOT SUCK :)

    • Yay visiting queer fam family members!

      I dunno about the anxiety meds, but I know when I’m feeling unsure about something, I try to narrow the scope of my worries. Like, I’ll commit to trying it just once or for a period of time, then evaluating what I want to do from there. If you want to try the meds, maybe just commit yourself to taking them for a month and see after that if you feel better and/or want to continue or not. I dunno. That’s the only advice I can think of but I’ve also never had to make the choice, so I defer to anyone with advice who has.


  18. Hello all. This week was kind of good. I sorted out my remortgage application to buy my ex’s half of our house. I’m really excited about owning a house that’s 100% me! Then I panic that all the bills are also 100% me, but I’m definitely mostly excited, I think ha!
    On a another positive note, I finally got round to watching Ghostbusters this week.  I have since watched it more times than I care to admit, for one reason only: The joy that is Holtzmann. I really feel late to the party! Have a good weekend all, I’m off to eat the big slice of chocolate cake I’m trying to ignore.

  19. Hey y’all, hope you’ve had a good week and that spring is in the air for you! I’ve just finished term and so am resting and seeing friends and trying to mend my sad heart….if anyone has any advice about how to get over someone u have had long term feelins for and they have feelins for u but somehow y’all didn’t talk about this until it was Too Late, and you both have feelins but now it’s way sad and not gonna happen, that would be useful, thank you!

    • UGH. Been there. I actually…well…it eventually happened at least in one situation (my partner). So who knows? But in other situations, those love feelings eventually have subsided into friend-love feelings or have gone dormant when we stopped seeing each other as often. I know that’s not particularly helpful. There isn’t really anything to say about heartbreak. It sucks. I’m sorry you’re going through it!

      • Thank you, KaeLyn! Honestly, it’s just reassuring to know other people go through this, so I can stop seeing it as the Single Most Tragic Thing to happen to anyone ever! Whatever happens, things will change – thank you for reminding me of this <3

  20. Leaving work early today to look at apartments and then spend the weekend writing a paper for grad school while pondering some important life questions.

    I deleted my okcupid account while driving 75 down the interstate this morning. It has never served me well.

    I turn 30 in May and all I want are hardwood floors, strawberry shortcake, and a bottle of champagne!

    • Good job taking control of your life this week, @nancysriracha! Though I must say maybe don’t use OkCupid while driving just for like, not dying reasons.

      Turning 30 was my favorite birthday so far specifically because I was old enough to just want to keep it low-key. Plus, the 30’s are the best decade. You’re young enough to have fun and old enough to know where your hard limits are! I hope you get all you desire–especially the strawberry shortcake!

  21. FTR, I am not wearing socks and I rarely ever do.

    I’m not a heavy crockpotter but one of my favorite things to make is taco chicken. I get those inconceivably large chicken breasts that are always like $1.88/lb, put it in the pot with some Penzey’s Chicken Taco seasoning (you could use other seasoning but their’s is really good). Cook it until you can shred the chicken easily. It is good as a protein for tacos, Mexican themed bakes like Mexican lasagna, or you could make taco salads.

    As for my week, I spent the first part of it in the Great Smoky Mountains and I’m back home now and missing the mindset of the only thing I needed to worry about was getting myself up a mountain. I’ve been throwing around the idea of taking a leave from work in a couple years so that I can finally through-hike a major trail. It is still a huge maybe and I would have to have a lot of finances in order but I like to know that I have the option to take time away in order to fulfill some lifelong dreams.

    Tomorrow is my thirtieth birthday which feels a little crazy to say. I’m not a big celebrator of holidays and birthdays and such but I have made plans to spend time with a few folks. I’m having dinner with one of my dear friends and then we’re going to an album release concert of another friend of ours.

    Here are some photos of my adventures this past week:

    This is at Alum Cave Bluffs. ~5000ft elevation

    Beautiful, mossy trail

    Hope everyone has a great weekend :)

  22. Hello dear queers! I’m just about wrapping up at work-I thought I would finish all my case notes today, but that didn’t happen. *sigh*. Someday soon! I had a pretty good week-I was having a lot of frustrations at work but a lot of them have been resolved or are going to be resolved, which is great. I have a busy busy evening, but I’m looking forward to the weekend and am hopefully gonna get my shit together a little bit-I have so many e-mails to respond to and I need to clean my house and cut my hair and plan my week, etc. I’m housesitting for a dear friend this week and she has lots of wonderful cuddly animals as well as giant bathtub and an excellent liquor cabinet, so I am planning on making good use of all of those things! I’m stressed, but overall feeling in a more mentally energetic place than I have been in a long time, which is great! I hope you all are doing well and have an excellent weekend <3

  23. I’m glad you asked about my socks. They have unicorn-cats with furry wings floating on rainbows. I pretty much am only alive today because of those socks.

  24. Hi all, happy end of the week <3 I've been hitting up the news pretty hard this week because of the ACA repeal (which has affectionately become known as the TrumpDontCare bill in my office). The last two days was like watching a sports game in my unit; we've been eagerly hovering on different news outlets and commentating then hollering "IT'S A NO-GO." It's been a long week. What's been killing me the most about the Trump administration as a civilian and an attorney is the lack of due process happening. It's like the administration is trying to pull a fast one on establish laws and regulations that have governed how laws are made (i.e., the legislative and administrative processes). They are going from Plan A to result B and entirely skipping steps in-between or half-assing the in-between steps, which either borders unconstitutional or wholly unconstitutional. UGH.

    My wife and I got a crockpot as a wedding present and we LOVE it. Beef stews are excellent and easy to make. We've done curry in it, too, which was fabulous. it saves us a lot of heartache during the week because we commute pretty far for work so it's awesome to come home to a large amount of well-cooked, hearty food :)

    As for weekend plans, tomorrow is our 6-month anniversary as a married couple and we're gonna eat delicious food and enjoy each other's company. Sunday I'm off to see family, which I'm both excited about and dreading. Excited because I get to see my nuclear family, which is generally nice. Dreading because I also am seeing my extended family, which I don't like very much. Can't have my cake and eat it, too, I supposed.

    Happy weekend everyone. Wishing you all the rest and relaxation you deserve <3


    A couple weeks ago someone was at my girlfriend’s job and mentioned that they were fb friends with the heads of OC Straddlers! and it was me and my now-ex Holly?? And my adorable now-gf Sarah was like: what.what? Since then she’s been teasing me about being a celesbian.

    SO ANYWAY I sorta stopped writing these a while ago because I was stressed and unhappy and everything was too much, but now I am in a better place, mentally! And it seems like it’s time for the internet to get a life update from meee!

    I broke up with Holly. It was not fun/super shitty for many reasons, including terrible timing on my part. It is now okayish I think? I am no longer an admin on the oc straddler group though, so there is that. ANYWAY sorta weird to post too much about htis on here because some of you know both of us. Cool! Weird! Okay!

    Then I started dating my Big Ex Rob again, who is still in michigan but it was wonderful anyway. Then he came out to me as gay, which was confusing and we were both very sad, but also I’m so proud of him/excited for him! So we broke up but are still friends–gay bffs is a pretty great place to be in!

    My break-up mourning was quickly overcome with Election mourning, and then I went back on tinder and met Sarah and now we’re in love and we’re both pretty sure we’re gonna get married and have babies and buy a house and grow old together (like we have a timeline for these things to actually happen in real life? What? yes!) which was UNEXPECTED. But so, yeah, I am super happy about all of that, and she’s amazing and sweet and hilarious and so smart and hardworking and gorrrgeous, and she works in a capacity that serves the lgbt community which I won’t elaborate on because privacy? But basically she’s the greatest! I love her even though she’s nicknamed me “Jellybean”.

    awwwwwwwwww giant me and tiny Sarah on the day we became girlfriends ~officially~

    I moved out of my parent’s and into a (gay! yay!) friend’s cute reasonably priced apartment, and Jen is such a great roommate and I really like the area we’re in, even if parking is roughhh.

    Business is a bit slow but still good, and I’m doing flowers every week, and we’re getting an office this month! Do any of you need flowers for something? Call me. But for real, I have to pay rent now, so.


    <3 <3 <3 LOVE YOU GUYS

    • Welcome back! <3 Seems like you weathered the ups and downs of life pretty well and came out shining :)

    • For a long time I thought all of this happened in the past week and was like “holy shit HOW!??”
      Then I realized. Then I commented. *thumbs up*

    • Welcome back and whoo that is a lot of life events but I am happy for you and also those flowers are gorgeous!!!

    • Not so much advice as maybe a suggestion. A peck on the cheek or a quick hug doesn’t necessarily have to be more than friendly, if the intention isn’t more than friendly. Just because you’re not IDing as heterosexual, doesn’t mean ” let’s get married” if you take my point.
      Other than that, good luck with your feelings, I too, know how confusing it can all get. Maybe an international hug might help if you’d like one, that is.

      • I think this showed up in the wrong comment thread! Because I have no idea what you mean! But thank you for your heartfelt advice??

      Your dreams were your ticket out.
      To that same old place that you laughed about.

      Well the names have all changed since you hung around,
      But those dreams have remained and they’ve turned around.
      Who’d have thought they’d lead ya
      Back here where we need ya

      Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back
      Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back,


  26. I came out to my boss today about having PTSD (as the reason for me not being able to do a specific, small but important aspect of my job) and she was so so so nice and understanding. She told me not to be ashamed or embarrassed and that she’s sorry I am struggling with this shitty thing. They are going to restructure my role so I don’t have to do the triggering thing at work. She is glad I am with the company and is willing to make sure I am taken care of. This is a woman owned company with mostly women management. I am so grateful. I have never come out to someone about my PTSD before and was shocked at how vulnerable it made me feel–like I haven’t felt this way since I was a babygay coming out to a friend. I feel like a huge burden has been lifted off of me. I can’t hardly believe what a huge deal it is to have to pretend like your fine all the time at work when you’ve been triggered. I am so grateful for this new boss and new job. I am also so grateful for autostraddle for giving me a place to share this info. Slowly but surely our willful ignorance towards mental health issues may finally be replaced by compassionate understanding. We would all be better for it. Much love and tgif straddler folks :-*)

  27. I just bought a thing that is both a hoodie and a flannel so it’s double gay. Now I have two essays to write today but first I’m going to drink tea and watch old Face Off episodes.

    • An acquaintance gave me like three thrift store vests last year. I call them my lesbian in training vests.

  28. hiya folkx having a rlly sad week and feeling like i cant talk to anyone about it ((just smile smile smile through cause tomorrow is another day but come to think of it so was yesterday when it was two days ago and now its today and the newness of the days isn’t helping any it mostly just burns like my bone marrow is slowly turning to acid helped along by the rotation of the earth around the sun and all the sunsets and all the sunrises cause maybe its gravity and time that is hurting deep in my limbs somewhere i cant see nd somewhere you cant see either unless i tell you but shhhh lets pretend i dont)) bc everyone around me is also not doing so great and maybe in worse ways like more central life ways but other people suffering more doesnt mean i feel any less bad just less able to have a place to share my stuff bc dumping out not in…. nd i m not even really being that helpful to them…. theres not much i can do but try an be supportive? got into a tiny thing with my spartner (no typo demons here) when they said something that hurt and i pointed it out.. ..but then told me i should find someone better and stuff and thats making me insecure af like im going to get dumped for something tiny or for nothing at all and i guess this has happened a few times where they got upset and said i should dump them when i brought up a small problem i mean they do listen to the problem i have and say sorry and mean it but then its like about them being upset about upsetting me… just like pushes a big anxiety button and doesnt stop pushing it after its done and like everything else is good but maybe ill just go to hang out one day and theyll be like its over and i wont see it coming or ill worry worry worry about it like right right right now nd eff everything up i mean rlly can anyone relate

    also i like bare feet and bear feet better than socks
    also i know ranty lack of coherence but sometimes you just need to be spilt milk
    also re milk fuck the glass that doesnt know if its half empty or half full point is its not enough

    • Be spilt milk. Can I recommend, if it doesn’t feel too out of character for you, to read some queer contemporary poetry? Because sometimes wrapping words around you like a cloak or exploring words like a surgical wound is what you need when things stop making sense.

      I recommend Rachel McKibbin. You can find some of her work for free here and here.

      Anyway, random advice over. Lots of <3.

  29. Is this the place to tell you all that my life will be so full of vegetables soon? I bought a CSA share for the summer because the pickup location is a 5 minute walk from my job, but the very next day I was offered a community garden plot on my street! I’m going to grow beets and carrots and tomatoes and hot peppers and basil and pumpkins…I’m so excited! My girlfriend (!!! it’s so new I love saying that, I will never get tired of saying that) grew up on a farm and she’s happy to help with my little urban gardening adventure. I love love and vegetables.

  30. I just got back from volunteering at my local LGBT center for the first time today! It was really great, but man am I feeling all the feels right now. There is a group of kindergarten kids (they call themselves the “Buddy Brigade” !!!) who come in almost every week to drop off donations and drawings that say things like “We love you!” and “Will you be my buddy?”. They have a great library of LGBT friendly books, and even picture books like Worm loves Worm and Jacob’s New Dress… so needless to say, I spent a lot of time reading the most amazing kids books today :) This feels really naive to say, but I know logically that there is a large LGBT homeless population in my city, but it didn’t hit home until today. Like in many cities, our LGBT center is widely used by both homeless youth and adults. Hearing peoples stories was both wonderful and heart breaking, not to mention is really making me examine my own privilege. All I can think is – why didn’t I know about this before? do other people realize this is happening in my city and in my community? I feel angry and sad and motivated and embarrassed that I didn’t realize the extent that this was happening and…. I don’t know, maybe feeling overwhelmed and humbled I guess?

  31. It has been brought to my attention during a joint Buffy rewatch that my “facial expressions and stuff” are reminiscent of Spike.

    Totally unrelated but I may have officially broken a bed.

  32. I’m trying to get over an ex boyfriend asking me if I remember my abuse properly and comparing my rape to an std. I never told him I was raped someone else did and when I tried explaining why it was wrong to pass around that information he told me my experience was like an std. He should know because it effects our relationship, just like an std. It makes me SO ANGRY. I hate the fact that people still hang around him. I live in fear of him spreading it around and my experiences getting shared before I am ready. Talking to him is A GIANT HEADACHE, which is why I don’t want to… Some things I shared just because he asked, not because I wanted to. He never saw me as valid. When I broke up with him he said I was being rash. He LITERALLY ADMITTED to not liking me, but I was expected to stay.
    Any advice on how to stop being angry?

    I am generally happy, but this has been bothering me randomly and ruining my happy mood.
    On a happy note I’m putting together a zine about sprouting avocado pits! I’ve learned how to use inDesign & I’m working on learning how to create super pretty layouts! That is a shining point in my life!
    Hope everyone is having a super sexy weekend!!!

    • This comment was such a roller-coaster ride of emotion but I’m so sorry that your ex said something so absolutely shitty / that your social circle still tangentially involves such a person, and SO PSYCHED for you about your zine (can you post some online when you’re done and link it in another open thread??)

      • I will definitely post a link once it is done.
        I went out last night and for the first time EVER (in the city I live in) I met a group of black,brown, queerish folk that I enjoyed being around. They weren’t fake or racist. They didn’t have to do drugs or excessively drink to have fun. I’m kind of excited. We were just people & there was no toxic masculinity. Of course I understand why toxic masculinity exists in the queer community near me, but I was getting tired of it.

        Thanks for the kind comments!

    • YOUR EX IS THE WORST. FUCK FUCK FUCK YOUR EX. I’m so sorry that you have to worry about this and that this asshole thinks he owns your story about your own abuse and survival. FUCK THAT.

      You have every reason to never talk to your ex again. Honestly, I’d say your anger is fucking righteous and you should not have to worry about this asshat ever again. <3

      I’m glad you found some cool new people and I hope you can spend more time away from your horrible ex-BF.

  33. My socks are many colours. I was initially on autostraddle procrastinating, to avoid folding laundry. Now I see these goals are not mutually exclusive.

  34. I am not wearing socks (I am in bed sick (on my birthday ?) but not sick enough for socks), but I could use some new cute ones!

    Since ModCloth got bought out by which is owned by WalMart, I’ve seen a lot of alternatives threads, but I’ve noticed the most loudly promoted site and some others only ship to the US and maybe Canada. Straddlers, does anyone have ModCloth alternatives that ship internationally? This Kiwi Straddler would like some more ethically friendly cute clothes.

  35. I’ve had a crappy week, and some crappy goings-on medical wise. Unless my ankle magically stops having tendonitis, I’m likely to need another MRI to see why I’m suddenly having issues with my achilles tendon even though that’s not where i had surgery. And with my chronic pain…things have been okay-ish but still painful, just not painful to the point of being completely nonfunctioning (sans today) so I have a feeling that at my follow-up I’m going to be recommended to do some abdominal surgery, which like…should help, but I’m just not the fan of more surgery.

    But we also got a new cat tower and the cats seem to like it! (img src=””)

    And here is Paw the grumpy old man snoozin in the sunshine yesterday (img src=””)

  36. went to a cafe/dog park today and a dude got uptight about my dog humping his dog and was really confrontational about it. escalated to him air-humping my head to see how i liked it. i yelled at him and the cafe staff told me my yelling was disturbing other guests, and that the old dude is a regular customer and he would never do what i said he did.

    i went home and dragged them on every review site they’re on and had a bunch of friends voice their support so that was nice. i’m home alone this week and i don’t know anyone in this town so the internet has been beautiful. wish there was another dog park cafe to go to.

    also wish my dog would stop humping other dogs (it’s new), but like… he’s a dog and dog culture doesn’t have a lot of crossover with victorian culture, so.

    • “escalated to him air-humping my head to see how i liked it.”

      What even is wrong with people? Why is everyone so awful?

      • yeah, i’m currently living in a town filled with snowbirds from the usa. a lot of them are pretty sure they’re the most amazing people in the world because they all have anti-trump bumper stickers (in english) and they deign to be in mexico. guess it was weird for him to be challenged in a place where he is used to being #1 great guy.


      This is seriously so wrong and weirdly violating adn seems exactly like the kind of thing that would happen to me, make me very uncomfortable and then have everyone laugh at me for. Such BS!!!!
      You’re dog sounds awesome. F that guy! Sad that he put so much negative bullsh*t into your day!

      • thanks! my dog IS a really nice dog. i feel he needs this positive feedback as much as i do after yesterday!

  37. Aaaargh, what a week!
    KaeLyn you are so right, birth and caring for a tiny infant is so much more swampy than anyone ever lets on!
    This is my first time hanging in a Friday open thread, so hi everyone.
    I hit my job making soap in the forest last week when I realised I worked for terrible people and it wasn’t going to get better, but I’m still kind of sad about it because I really loved my work, and the location was incredible. Now I’m working hard to launch some of the other plans I came up with for making money soon can live here in a very low employment rural area.
    I spent my birthday driving for over an hour to the employment services office, trying not to rage cry at the dehumanising nature of that place. It was all made better by breakfast cooked by my children and dinner with some really loving friends who made me feel wrapped up in kindness and camaraderie.
    My ex (and father of my children) chose this week to forget all the reasons we didn’t work out, and the fact that I came to our relationship as an out and proud bisexual since as long as I could remember, so that he could tell himself I broke up with him because I prefer the company of women. I am truly out of patience for being discredited as somehow confused or wrong about how I feel because I’m bi, so that didn’t go super well but on the up side I think I was excruciatingly clear on why we did break up and he shouldn’t ever get confused again. Hanging out for April now, when I get to meet up with my sweet gf in Bali for a tropical break (she lives hundreds of kms away so meeting in Bali is about as easy as meeting anywhere else)
    Here’s to the people who get it and to momentarily forgetting those who clearly don’t.
    Happy weekend everyone

    • Much love to you and I hope you feel it all slide off your shoulders while enjoying the sun with your GF in Bali. Welcome to your first FOT! Bisexual solidarity from bi me to you. <3

  38. Sorry it took me so long to get this up. I have to be at a certain level of saltiness/bitterness to really get into one of my “Supergirl” rants, but boy have I been there several times this week. I apologize if I have incorporated anybody else’s rants into mine. At this point I can no longer tell where my views, other people’s views, and my jumping off points begin.
    – It really bugs me that everyone on the show portrays Kara as being unreasonable in her demands for Mon-El to treat her with dignity and respect. These are just basic things that someone should EXPECT from a relationship, and Mon-El can’t even meet that low bar.
    – No, Kara is not on a high horse. She’s prejudiced against the Daxamites because they were slavers. For people to claim that she’s on a high horse means that they think that slaving isn’t that bad.
    – What really bugs me about the Karamel fandom is the mental gymnastics that they go through in order to blame Kara for Mon-El’s attitude. When you’re trying to say that Mon-El didn’t come clean about being the prince because Kara didn’t give him a space to feel safe enough to make this admission is some victim blaming BS.
    – I’m reminded of how the “Breaking Bad” fandom excruciated Skyler White because she was acting like a normal frakking human being about Walter being a drug dealer.
    – For them to state that Mon-El is trying to improve means that they’re comfortable with misogyny. If Mon-El was as racist as he is misogynistic then no-one would be defending him because nobody’s comfortable being (at least openly) racist. Misogyny, that’s okay though.

    I wish that I could edit my entries because I know that I have a lot more that will occur to me again in the next few hours.

    • In that first point: Furthermore, everybody pushing her at him delegitimatizes Kara’s feelings. She’s basically being told that she’s bad for feeling this way, and that there’s no truth to her feelings.

  39. Y’all, I went into Target yesterday to finally pick up my long-lost birth control prescription (it took them a week to interpret my doctor’s handwriting, yes really) and I stumbled upon a pair of WIDE-LEG JEANS (don’t judge, I went to high school in the 90s) that were ACTUALLY LONG ENOUGH for my long-ass legs! And they were soft and stretchy and made with recycled material! AND they had them in my size, and not only tiny sizes!

    It is a miracle.

    This post has been brought to you by Ace’s Overuse of Parentheses.

      • I’d just like to say that I am so very pleased that I’m finally old enough for the stuff I wore in high school to be back in style. WIDE LEG PANTS FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!

        I shall now go devour your palazzo pants appreciation post, because I am so glad that that is a thing that exists.

        • And since I can’t comment on that one, I would just like to say, THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING TOMBOY FEMME OPTIONS. Omg, yay. I would wear the hell out of some black palazzo pants and a leather biker jacket. And since these are both things I own, I think I shall! I think I will also wear my new wide-leg jeans with my beloved utility jacket in homage to Linsday from Freaks and Geeks.

    • I love to use parentheses (who doesn’t?) and it drives my composition-teaching sister insane (but that’s her problem)!

      • I blame my ADHD. Parentheses let me express ALL my many, many trains of thought at once! They’re so helpful. (I really love em dashes too, for the same reason.)

  40. Past few weeks have been great. I’ve had time to go swimming, my thesis is coming along, I got a bunch of new plants and it’s been sunny. Today I spent some time with a former lover and now, not so zen anymore. I can’t sleep! Suddenly there’s all these feelings, hopes and fears and uncertainty that I don’t really know how to deal with. I can’t even be angry at them confusing feelings because of that damned hope! Ugh. Sleep, come rescue me!

  41. One of my three’s got her tonsils out and her voice is suddenly like half an octave higher and every time she speaks in her tiny child voice it is the sun on my face

    One of my two’s has apparently realized that other people have families and those families exist elsewhere in space even when when we cannot see them.

    On Monday, he asked “what’s your DAD’S name?” (Tom)

    On Tuesday, he asked “Where’s your dad?” (Work)

    On Wednesday, he asked “What does your mom do?” (Teach English to Big Kids)

    On Thursday, again, “Where’s your mom and dad?”

    And this morning, changing things up a bit, “Where’s your grandpa??”

    His mother tells me that, over the weekend, he approached her husband with the fact that “you’re gonna die someday, you know?”

    So it’s possible that he sees the future and we’re all about to die.

  42. i woke up from a nap to find that obamacare is the law of the land!

    i am SO supremely smug at the fact that they didn’t even try!!!! i got night Arby’s with a friend and cackled about it, this is exactly the pick-up we needed.

  43. Also I got my upper wisdom teeth out last Friday (I don’t have bottom wisdom teeth, weird genetic fluke), and the swelling finally went down enough for me to yawn / have visible cheekbones! My right cheek is still bruised, though.

    “Good Grief you have a small mouth” – my dentist, while pulling a tooth from my head.

      • @devilduckie apparently this makes us LUCKY.

        According to my dentist, it’s the bottom ones that hurt a fuck ton, and that have the highest risk of painful complications.

        Apparently this is because the lower jaw bone is much denser than the upper jaw bone, and the teeth are next to an important nerve and artery, so it takes way longer to get them out properly, and then gravity = more food gets stuck in the sockets, thus raising the risk of infection etc etc

        It took five minutes total for them to take my upper ones out and it sounded like they were pulling apart Styrofoam

    • Weird teeth solidarity!

      I think I have my lower wisdom teeth, but I’m 32 and I haven’t lost all my baby teeth yet. While I had surgery to remove some of the undescended adult teeth, they found some “unidentified bone” attached to my skull that they kindly removed, which for me meant an extended crushing sound echoing in my head.

      I hope you feel better soon!

      • !! @faustine

        I’m also missing one of the little bottom front teeth. Like, I have three instead of four tiny bottom ones. No baby tooth, no hidden adult tooth that never grew in, nada. Just a gap that my braces could not close, and which has never bothered me, but seemed to really annoy my orthodontist, who used all kinds of springs and rubber bands in failed attempts to get things aligned.

        • Annoying! Unnecessary pain over what someone else finds desirable is just… ugh. I’m European (warning: worst stereotype ever about to be reinforced) so I’ve never actually had anything corrective done, even when I had double rows of teeth for several years because my baby teeth wouldn’t fall out even though my adult teeth had come in. :)

  44. Helloooo wonderful people. I just got home from the club, I left early (4am lol) because everyone I was with was in a couple and I was bored dancing by myself!
    Last Saturday I had an impromptu dinner with my ex gf who I hadn’t seen since October which was actually great, but… feelings. Tomorrow I’m meant to be seeing her with her current gf which will be interesting because I’ve never seen her with someone else and I’m not entirely sure how I’ll feel about it or deal with it. But I’m sure it will be fiiiiine… OK please wish me luck lol.
    Tomorrow my group and I are giving a talk on LGBT street harassment which is cool.
    I’m tired as fuck, I don’t think I’ve slept properly since Christmas. But I got this. I can do this! (maybe?!)
    Love and hugs to you all!

  45. earlier today at work i listened to carmen rios’ interview with kitty lindsay on “feminist crush”, and it was great! it’s strange to have read her writing and ‘heard her voice’ without having ever literally heard her voice. gotta say, i’m digging it and all that she said with it. carmen rios, you are seriously inspiring. congrats on everything so far!

  46. Hey everyone! Happy Friday, I guess. My name’s Thalia and I’m pretty new to Autostraddle (and kinda to the LGBTQ community in general). I was wondering if anyone had any tips/experience with crushes on straight friends? I know she’s straight and I’m trying to shut it out, but there are still little urges to give her a kiss on the cheek or cuddle her (and I’m pretty sure if I indulge in cuddling, it’s only going to get worse). I’m asexual, so it’s not like I’m fantasizing about her or anything, but I can’t seem to let it go. Please share your stories and advice!

    • Not so much advice as maybe a suggestion. A peck on the cheek or a quick hug doesn’t necessarily have to be more than friendly, if the intention isn’t more than friendly. Just because you’re not IDing as heterosexual, doesn’t mean ” let’s get married” if you take my point.

    • Is it something you think you can bring up to her? Maybe the feelings are mutual?

      Or if that’s definitely not the case, well…you need to respect her boundaries, whatever those are. And if you have a cuddly physical relationship as part of your friendship and that’s making it difficult to deal with your crush, maybe you need to take a little break from all that stuff. :/

      Friend crushes are hard!

  47. I’m so busy this is the 1st time I’ve been on the internet today y’all. what​.

    makin’ bacon full swing. feet haven’t hurt like this since double shift waitress timez.

    damn it feels good.
    go and get yours open thread. ;)

  48. So I had a thing happen tonight. I live in a townhouse next to a very busy street, and a car came barrelling through and rammed into my back patio fence. The driver, fortunately, wasn’t hurt, but her car is almost certainly totaled. I was just sitting in my living room watching Supergirl on Netflix when the crash happened. I didn’t really know what I was hearing at first, then I opened my back door to find chunks of fence on the ground and the bashed up front of a car staring back at me. I’m really just glad the damage wasn’t any worse than it was. She even managed not to hit my car, amazingly enough.

    • You had a great escape. Maybe buy a lottery ticket.
      When I was a kid we had something similar happen when a drunk guy crashed into the side of our house, huge noise, I woke up (it was 3am) and found this bloke staring at me through his car window right beside my bed.
      At least I got a day off school the next day.

      • LOL I should. Also…Holy crap he crashed into your bedroom?? I’m glad you didn’t get hurt, and if the driver didn’t he’s pretty lucky!

        • Yep, through a double brick wall. Mind you, he was speeding down a steep hill, so lots of momentum, also crashed through double wrought iron gates and down a driveway with a reasonable slope too, before he hit my bedroom wall.

          Bloody, wonder we weren’t all killed. Just not our time I suppose.

          Hope your heart’s stopped beating like crazy and that the lottery ticket pays off if you get one.

  49. I’m pretty sure I’m bigender so I’ll come out on here (please can you guys put that as a word your auto correct doesn’t change?) but my family wouldn’t understand so I can’t come out to the older members, my cousin might get it though? I’m also bisexual all the time, out about that but wondering if I’m pan. I’m attracted to feminine ppl regardless and some feminine ppl are genderqueer.
    Just realised that the Twelfth Night fanfic I’m writing where Orsino is the bad guy nobody loves and who tries to control everyone and make Olivia his despite her saying no and him insisting Viola is a man despite her explaining she’s a woman and him trying to kick all the foreigners out of Illyria is one where I’m writing about Donald Trump without realising it. Orsino = trump. Everyone else in my fanfic is lgbt. Viola is a trans woman who ends up w Olivia (anyone else find it odd for a cis woman and cis man to be identical twins in the canon text?)
    Black socks.
    Our postie who used to walk into our house without knocking has been replaced w one who talks to me about football and is nice to the dog. Phew.
    And got that varsity jacket. Which I thought was very masculine til my mum who never wears anything not girly said she had one too. It’s a boys’ section football one.

    • Congrats on coming out. I hope eventually you might be able to be open with your family as well. Just a note on autocorrect, it would be your own operating system and/or browser that tries to change certain words, not the website you’re using. So AS can’t do anything about that.

      I had no idea Shakespeare fanfic was a thing? But I guess there’s probably fanfic for everything. Your story sounds interesting!

    • Bi means two or more, and it also doesn’t have to mean men and women. To you it could mean women and nb femmes(regardless of id and assigned gender). Tumblr has a good resources on this(though I would avoid any that is terf aligned, cause afab trans people who are terfs are a thing).

    • Identity choices are personal. If pan feels better for you, go for it. Like @needlesandpin wrote, bisexual doesn’t mean “attracted to men and women.” At least, not in the circles I run in. It typically, at least in these modern times, is defined as “attracted to people of the same gender and people of different genders.” But if pan feels more right for you, go for that! I am bisexual but prefer queer because that word feels good and cozy to me, personally.

      Congrats on figuring it all out or at least getting closer! Whoo!

      • Thanks everyone :)
        Phew that makes sense that safari would do that, it doesn’t make sense coming out (no pun intended) of AS but safari probably doesn’t know the terms yet.
        I think that’s where I’m at with my family. I feel they’d put me together with my label if they already understood my label. But they’ve not come into contact with it or even with the concept of being nb so that’s where I’m not sure if I can tell them without them thinking it’s something I/young people made up. I want to wait til it’s on their radio or til I’m braver and then just bring it up as a general concept first. They already know that I’m far from a stereotypical woman for a lot of reasons I’m not getting into here because it’ll take too long. So probably when they hear what being nb is (or just that not all trans people want surgery) they’ll ask me about it.
        Hm I feel most comfortable calling myself queer. I just don’t know if it offends others or not. I’m bi by the second definition, attracted to my own gender and multiple other genders including guys. But only feminine people (I had a very camp boyfriend and he’s probably one of the people I’ve been most attracted to in real life). Is there a name for that?
        Do you need to be on tumblr to read tumblr? I find social media quite addictive.

        • No, you don’t need to be signed on tumblr, to use it. Just think of it as a kind of as a unorganized search site to find blogs and posts relative to your need. Just be careful some terms have gone out of flavor due it being transphobic(forget which one, but tumblr should be able to inform you).

  50. I hear you on the having kids and being tired! My wife, our two foster girls, and I went out for coffee yesterday morning with my dad. One of the girls had a screaming fit and so I took her outside for a while. One old woman gave me such a look while covering her ears. But when I came back after the little one had calmed down, a random man who I’ve seen walking around town before told me most sincerely thank you for fostering and asked if he could give me a hug. So thank you Autostraddle for this internet cafe where no one gives you dirty looks if the kids are screaming.

  51. I have no help for crockpot recipes- I mostly just eat packet pasta these days BUT I did just get back from Leeds Queer Film Festival which was this weekend and was GREAT

    I watched a bunch of queer films, shorts, and documentaries (if anyone is interested in the queer brooklyn black slam-poetry scene I URGE you to seek out ‘The Revival: Women and the Word’ bc it is WONDERFUL.

    If you squint in that last photo you can see me in the bottom right corner with my head down crying because ‘Almost Saw The Sunshine’ was devastating.


  52. I’m late to the party as usual! And didn’t even bring snacks :0

    Speaking of which, I’m an epic failure at this diet thing. Lately, these stupid hormones are giving me MONSTER cravings. Some days I can eat 12 Sonic Cheese sticks, fried shrimp, a half a jar of pickles, sour candy, and like a pound of chocolate — and then I go cry myself to sleep and renew my conviction that tomorrow will be another day.

    It’s not all bad. I work out a lot – twice a day in fact. The other night, I ran 7 miles and felt fantastic! Even if it did end in yielding to the cravings. But just when I thought I got this gym routine down, I end up moving and need to cancel my membership.

    No biggie right? Just find a new gym girl, you say? Not so easy being a trans woman. Finding somewhere I feel safe and comfortable is a real challenge. Planet Fitness had a really inclusive diversity policy and laid the smack down when ladies in the locker room gave me shit.

    Na, it’s not that bad. Most people have been super chill. But having to go through the “drive to the gym and cry in my car for 20 minute” ritual all over again for the next few months is gonna suck hard core. Hoping the new gym has lots of love. I’ll need it. They have a pool. Which means swimming. Which means me in a swimsuit. Can I just throw on a rash guard and call it good? Why do I give so many fucks about this? Maybe more cheese sticks will help…

    • Hi Saga, Hope you find a gym where you can feel safe and welcome in your new town. Also good luck with the hormones settling down. Don’t know how you feel about this suggestion but if you’re uncomfortable with the idea of swim wear, something I’ve been thinking about buying is a Burkini, Googled them recently and some of them are OK. I think I’ll follow up for next summer. I have to be careful because of very fair skin and skin cancers, still like to go to the beach though, so ….. anyway, Best Love, Diane.

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