FRIDAY OPEN THREAD: What Do You Daydream to Distract Yourself?

Hey, sparkle bots! How are you? How’s your week? How’s your sleep hygiene?? This week has been hard in a lot of ways! The news cycle has been especially hard as an assault survivor, I took my cats to the vet for well-cat visits and they were not well and my vet was low-key mean to me, and I took a Lyft three times this week because I was late! I also “lost” my keys on my mantle (obviously I found them, because they were on my mantle but still). Life has been hard and weird a little bit and I’ve felt all off balance a lot.

But! The temperatures are cooling down. I left home yesterday and it was 65º outside. There are these cool breezes accompanying me on my walks home from school every evening. The air smells fresher, and not like humidity and summertime trash anymore. Libra season just started. And these good things combined with my hectic week make me want to keep imagining good things, so let’s please do some collective imagining.

I love real estate. I am a millennial whose student loans just hit over $100K and therefore will probably never own a house, but I love thinking about it. I love domesticity and keeping house, I love thinking about (very classic) design elements, I love looking at backyards on Zillow and imagining taking my cats on leashed walks in them. If I could get any house I wanted right now, it would be in a small town in coastal Connecticut. I want 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms, NO OPEN FLOOR PLAN (I wanna fight the people at Fixer Upper for taking out walls all the time), and a kitchen that is almost completely white. I want a house that’s small enough to feel cozy with me and my cats and the troop of foster kids I hope to have one day, but has enough space so that anyone who needs or wants to drop by has a place to stay. I want a porch swing, and a screened in porch looking into the backyard where I can sleep in the summer. I want no fences, and to grow fruit trees and vegetables along the sidewalk that I encourage my community to take as desired. Home to me is a place where I feel shielded from the world, but also a place of radical welcome.

Right now, I can’t help but lust over this house on Zillow. ? at that door! And that porch!!!! (Don’t look at the price!)

So tell me, friends, what would your dream house look like. Part of this imagining activity is choosing a life where capitalism doesn’t prevent people from getting the houses they want and need, so let’s pretend cost doesn’t matter. Where is it? How many bedrooms? What kind of community are you building room for inside and outside of those walls? When you imagine yourself 40 years from now, settled and happy, where is it taking place? A farm in Indiana? A loft in Brooklyn? An idyllic cottage in Maine? Describe it / find it on Zillow / draw it for me. I want to know what makes you feel like home. I want to know where you see yourself feeling loved and like your best self. What does home look like to you? Tell me everything!!

As always, you can also choose to just tell me about your week, or a funny meme you saw, or how hard the news is (I will leave you pictures of sweet baby animals if you need them!). This space is for you, I can’t wait to share it with you!


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Ari

Ari is a 20-something artist and educator. They are a mom to two cats, they love domesticity, ritual, and porch time. They have studied, loved, and learned in CT, Greensboro, NC, and ATX.

Ari has written 330 articles for us.

100 Comments

  1. I have dream apartments.
    Hardwood floors, high ceilings, and a rooftop terrace with an open floor plan, (Sorry, A) where the kitchen opens up into the living room and the living room opens up to the terrace.
    I keep plants on that terrace, herbs, too, and in the summer I host big, lascivious dinners on it, that run well into the night with laughter, and in the winter, we‘ll eat inside, big pots of steaming stew and drink mulled wine while watching „Angels in America“ or „ The Bridges of Madison County“ while sitting on couches that are pushed up against exposed brick walls.
    Sometimes you‘ll hear the clickclackclicketyclick of a dog‘s nails on the floors, often laughter and talk from a myriad assortment of friends dropping in and by.
    It will always be warm and smell like food, and sometimes like sunshine and fresh air.
    Lots of light and love and happiness.
    A Home.

  2. I don’t really know what type of house I would want to live in, but I do daydream about being back in Boston where I grew up! I miss it so much. To me there’s nothing like walking along the muddy river in spring time or down Huntington ave on a rainy day or Boston common or anywhere ah! Every time I go back to stay at my parent’s place I feel so happy. I don’t know what it is, I just feel so connected to that city and anytime someone talks about Boston or is from Boston I love it. But it’s super expensive so I won’t be living there anytime soon. I’ll just miss it from afar ♥

  3. My ideal house(s):

    A Victorian style house painted in some soft color (or two color: light blue and maybe lavender) with a history that I can feel the second I step in the door. Lots of space for my books (I have so many) and wingback chairs. A sette in the living room with plenty of soft pillows because settes aren’t all that comfy. Multiple chaise lounges in rooms (living room, bedrooms, private library).

    I also want a large log cabin full of antiques. A Philco radio,old fashioned ice box, VICTROLA(!!!!), posters advertising things long, long passed. (This is based on my great aunt house, FYI.)

  4. I once fell in love with a woman who lived in a run-down blue farm house at the edge of a field that had once been an apple orchard. The grass was overgrown and nobody tended the trees anymore, but they still would become heavy with apples. There was a creek running through, and her children would run outside barefoot and play in the water and catch frogs, while her shaggy black dog followed along as if to herd them all back home when they wandered too far away. Because the children were in and out all the time, it seemed like the doors of that house were never really closed, and there wasn’t any difference between the indoors and the outside, it was all like one big home, fields and all.

    I dream of a home like that, scrubbed clean and somehow beautifully dilapidated, like an affront to the folks who pressure-wash their driveways. I want the kind of house where my neighbours walk in through the screen door without knocking, and there’s laundry hanging outside, and an outdoor workshop with a litter of barn cats nestled in the corner. And inside the house there’d be hardwood floors worn smooth by generations of footsteps, and a wood stove with herbs hanging over it to dry, and a cast iron tub where the children can bathe before bed, to wash off the dirt from climbing apple trees, and catching frogs and feeding chickens and chasing barn cats.

  5. Oh man! Your idyllic house vision sounds so wonderful!

    My great thing but also huge problem right now is that my dream house is pretty much the house I live in. It’s so cute, and painted yellow, and it’s 2 stories (well, 3, but the bottom floor is a State Farm office that our landlord owns lol), and there’s a perfect little backyard with a little trellis-y thing covered with grape vines and a grill that our landlord lovingly crafted out of a literal pile of bricks. It just feels like HOME, you know? But rent keeps creeping on up every year (my gf has been living there with a different assortment of cool queer folks for nearly 4 years now, and the landlord loves her/us as tenants but like, a guy’s gotta live, and our area is rapidly approaching whatever level of gentrification it is when there’s an “activist” bookstore owned by a douchey white dude that also is a yoga studio around the corner). Sometime soon, probably next year, we will be priced out!

    Anyway, if we lived in an anti-capitalist utopia, I would get to keep living in this adorable house forever. Also in this utopia I would know how to re-grout a shower, because that shit is looking bad and we never ask our landlord to fix/do anything unless it’s super-urgent because of the aforementioned he-must-love-us-enough-to-take-pity-and-not-raise-the-rent-too-much thing. Let’s just make me an amazing gay handygirl in this scenario, and I will have the time and energy and know-how to transform the whole place into an even-more-amazing wonderland!

    • So I’m a landlord and I really love it when my tenants tell me what needs attention! Trust me, it’s a huge help (unless he’s a slumlord, then it’s a bother). Also if your shower is tiled and it’s the grout that’s gross, not the caulk, take some oxyclean or your all purpose cleaner of choice and a scrub brush to it right after you shower. Magic eraser will do it too. If it’s caulk, call your landlord and bug him ;) it’s time to re-caulk if it’s stubbornly gross. I know you didn’t ask but maybe this will help you get what you need from your living space? Hope all goes well!

      • @mayim-juno I just saw this!! That is good to know! I feel like our landlord is nice but like I doubt that he *loves* it when we tell him stuff that’s needed. Maybe that is just a you thing? Which makes you awesome, but like I don’t want to assume that it’s universal?

        I will admit that I don’t fully know the difference between grout and caulk — caulk is the plasticky ribbony stuff, right? and grout is like cement-y? I think it’s both that are gross? It seems like there is caulk sort of randomly between some tiles, mostly towards the bottom, and the rest are grout. And they both have black mold or whatever all over them, and it’s worse on the grout but easier to clean (I usually go to TOWN scrubbing it with a scrubby brush and dish soap and/or magic eraser and/or clorox scrubby wipe things about once a month. Is that not often enough?? It feels like it’s taking over my life lol. It gets better but not like fully-gone better then bad again!!) and the caulk is less bad but coming up on some parts, especially around the bottom, and like impossible to make a dent in, scrubbing-wise. So yes maybe it really is time to re-caulk!

        I am always open to advice of this sort — thanks for responding!

  6. My dream home actually sounds similar to your’s Al, but swap coastal Maine for Venice Beach, California. Not the part of Venice where all the cis-het hipsters are(Abbot Kinney), but the part where it’s quiet and still close enough biking distance to the beach. I’d like a two-floor apartment, with a living room/tv that has skylight over it(so no second floor in that part), a soft brown color wooden floors, a backyard large enough to grow some garden a little, like sage, jalapeno pepper, avocado(my parents house had one before the tree died due to drought, and have another one that’s not producing yet), and so forth, and a in-ground hot tub large enough I could swim in place if wanted. I like Malibu, but it’s a bit of a drive to get anywhere and morning traffic sometimes is terrible, and there is always the possibility for nature closes the roads due to debris flow and rock falls.

    How is everyone’s week going? Mines has been pretty rough. Last two days I’ve gotten loud, angry, and almost threatening to my father because of the news, and the fact I’m a survivor of sorts. (As I hit period on the last sentence Windows notified me the news is even worse, fuck.) It just really hurts there. I just want to crawl up into a ball, have a big fat toke and cry again. I was also supposed to have a date Saturday night, but the person stood me up. Then later texted me back some awful words. I really fucking hate tinder :-( On plus side I went hiking Sunday, then drove one of my favorite roads with great views, and no cops to interrupt the fun. I am also going tonight to what could be the last flirt night and Cuties coffee, which I get to be in a community space, but one that is close to shutting down due to funds.

    Autumn flowers in bloom

    Warmth from sun(it’s still summer here) peaking through what minimal trees there was on the trail.

    Thank you for viewing and reading my post. Have a positive and safe weekend! I love you all at autostraddle, and I am glad I have community here. *gives hugs to anyone who needs one and consents it*

  7. K so I’m on my phone at work and bad at images but I want to live in this treehouse that I found on Pinterest. Basically the house is inside the tree and the doorway is a giant fanged mouth! I want to live there with my girlfriend and our cats, and sell potions and make travellers answer riddles and shit. This fantasy gives me life.

  8. I just want a house with no noisy neighbours or loud children living above/around me. No garden, but a patio to sit on and drink my coffee in the mornings. Cats would be vital.

    And I somehow stumbled across “Adult Twitter” this week and have decided that lesbian porn is way nicer than straight porn (I have no idea how I fell down this rabbit hole!)

  9. Holy cow, this article is made for me. I drive my girlfriend nuts sending her houses. We dream of owning a house someday… but with student debt, and both of us having incomes that are on the lower median end, we don’t know when or if it will ever happen. I can’t speak for exactly what she would want (we have never had a serious talk about it since it will be at least 7 years before it could be a reality). But I have a good idea of what I would like.

    I want something big enough to have guests visit and spend the night, and have pets, but nothing huge. I think something around 1400 to 1500 sq ft would be great. Maybe a cape cod or craftsman style. I really want a front porch we can decorate seasonally. 3 bedroom (at least two of them reasonably big)… one would be mine and one hers (we slept separately due to schedules and sleep needs). I might paint mine in a light, cool gray. The third room will be the guest room/snake room. We would have our spare bed in there, plus I can have all my snake racks in the room plus all the associated supplies! I could even keep that room a bit warmer than the rest of the house using a small space heater. A nice sized living room with a huge, fluffy couch and a recliner. A decent sized kitchen with lots of counter space, a dishwasher, and a fridge with an ice maker. I picture the kitchen with stained wood cabinets and with red accents. Either in the fridge or somewhere I want room for a small chest freezer. I’ve never cared too much about dining rooms but my girlfriend likes them, so I want one for her. Mostly wood and linoleum floors… I love owning and fostering dogs, so I’d rather stick with easy-to-replace rugs over carpet, hahah. 1.5 bathrooms! I have a sensitive stomach so having a spare toilet for when someone is showering would be amazing. I’d like the main bathroom to be big and spa-like, with a really big shower that has a ton of water pressure. I will probably go for shades of green and blue to make it super relaxing. A dry, solid basement. A lot of homes in this area have the old dirt floor basement and I’d rather at least have it dry. Alternatively, if we had a nice finished basement that stayed warm I could use it as a snake area. I’d love a real fireplace! We probably won’t use it but I LOVE the look. I also love the look of well done built in bookshelves. I want a BIG backyard! Not huge, but big, and fully privacy fenced. I am a very private person and again, dog owner and dog fosterer. It is SO much easier to have dogs with a good fence. I want a fire pit in the back yard as well, and a simple propane grill, and a big shady tree. Off street parking for sure and I would prefer a garage for this dream home. A shed for the backyard would be handy as well. I want lots of nice flowers and bushes out front (and a tree or 2), and a vegetable garden in the back. I will have to put a little fence around the veggies to keep the dogs out, I’m sure. :D I also want central AC because that is SO nice. I’d like to be on the edge of the city… close enough to easily access all the fun stuff, but far enough out that I get more quiet and privacy.

    In this home I want to live with my girlfriend, own and foster dogs, have our cat and a bird or two, breed a bunch of snakes, cook and bake and actually have room to do it, watch TV and play a bunch of ridiculous video games, and just be so full of love we are punching each other (lovingly) all the time. When family and friends visit, they can sleep in the guest room and we can set out guest towels for them and everything.

    • Oh, and quiet, nice neighbors! I’ve had some real sketchy neighbors before (as in, one guy trashed his place and was arrested and had tried to lure me to his place, and another place the folks across the street let their aggressive dogs and kids run absolutely wild) and bad neighbors can really kill a place.

      I love house hunting on Zillow. When I get too depressed about owning a house to do that, I head to Craigslist to apartment hunt. That is more of a challenge though for someone who has a 55lb mixed breed bully-ish looking dog hating dog.

  10. My dream home might become real one day!

    I will live on a small patch of land – maybe woodland-adjacent or hopefully including a little bit of woodland. In a small home I built myself using straw bales and cob, reciprocal beam roof, proper hobbit-hole kind of cottage thing. The home isn’t large, but most of the ground floor is a combined kitchen/study space with a side room for my art projects.

    Outside I grow food, and flowers, and trees. I have beehives, chickens, maybe goats one day. I make butter and cheese and bread, and have spare produce to share with friends or give to those who need it. I have some specific copses I set up for different tree types, for mushroom growing, or for beneficial habitat for my animals, and one I grow to be an outdoor living altar/worship space.

    People come to stay on my land, sometimes. I’ve built a few other tiny, way smaller, little cottages just big enough for a tiny-home holiday. People use my land to have marriage ceremonies, birth blessings and similar. And maybe, maybe in my heart of hearts, if I can get enough space and get the right kind of land, a portion is set aside for green burials. People have end-of-life ceremonies in my beautiful space, and I make them feel welcome.

    I’m mostly alone, though. Maybe I’ll have a small number of close friends who hang around, help out, be casual lovers on occasion. I spend most of my free time in peaceful solitude. Painting, knitting, writing, working with my animals and working my land.

    I’m fucking BUILT because damn if some of that isn’t hard work and the gym has already shown me I build muscle like a beast. I’m gentle with my lovers, cosy, companionable and caring. In the Winter I keep a warm stove running and have less sofa-type furnishings, more wide-windowsill reading nooks piled with pillows, and scattered beanbag chairs for nesting. One rocking chair, for knitting in.

    I have a multitude of cats. One dog.

  11. I just want to be a home owner, even if it’s a really ugly house with a floor plan that makes no sense. But, if we’re talking ideals.. I’d like a nice backyard with enough space for a swimming pool, two stories and a nice kitchen with counter space for baking and bread kneading. I’d like a bathtub. And closet space. I’d have my friends over and we’d all paint a mural. Maybe breaking up with my architect ex was a mistake. Jk, it was a great decision.

  12. I daydream about this a lot, but I spend less time imagining the specific house and more imagining whose in it. Sappy as it sounds, I want to live in a big polyam house, where all my partners and I live together co-parenting some pets and maybe a human child, if one falls out of a tree in the yard or something.

  13. I am going out with a person, a cute nonbinary person. And i am afraid. And I don’t know what sex should feel like, or how to be me. And I am afraid that they are going to leave at any moment. But I am so afraid to that they are going to be freaked out if I ask if we are dating. It scares me, but being aware is also great.

    • Hey Kayla ~~ it’s hard to have mixed up feelings, and it sounds like you have lots of them all at once right now!

      When we are afraid, we often hold hard onto things for reassurance. We want to find something steady to grip onto. Letting go can give us the chance to experience new things though, and to try out ways of being. Something that might help is to find something unrelated that makes you feel safe and comfortable (favourite music/ place/ food/ whatever), surround yourself with that, and once you can relax into that, to give yourself permission to gently imagine possibilities. Because there are so many possibilities!! There’s not a single way to have sex, for example…instead there’s an almost endless range of ways we can explore and make each other (or ourselves!) feel good. There’s no rules for feeling good, and maybe exploring what feels good to you might help too.
      And as to being you, you are always you, you can’t help being you…but that you again has infinite possibilities. And you can take your time and try out any that interest you and change and change again, and still be you. And every one of those yous will be real and valid.

      As to being afraid they’re going to leave, yes that’s a possibility. It’s always a possibility any time in life with anyone. We have no guarantees, but we do have the moment now, so why not experience the wonderful now instead of the fearful maybe?

      You’re yourself, and there’s a whole universe of possibilities including a cute nonbinary person to have new experiences with. Enjoy ~ and enjoy sharing your excited, full, wonderful self <3

    • Hi Kayla, you are super brave for facing all those terrifying feelings honestly enough to write about them. I am trying to nerve myself for some hard decisions too and I am trying to think of it like climbing a mountain. I don’t know exactly what reaching your mountain’s summit would look like for you – getting the courage to ask them if you’re dating, maybe? – but you wouldn’t be all “well I should just be able to immediately climb this huge mountain with no preparation and no support!” I like Snaelle’s ideas for you and I just wanted to suggest the mountain metaphor for you, or find your own, because it might help you think about how to get there.

      If having honest conversations about scary things, or being explicit about what you want, or trusting someone enough to treat you well when you are honest and vulnerable, are not skills you have practiced much, then are there maybe tiny foothills around this mountain that you can practice on? If you are tired or stressed from other things not related to this, can you address any of those things with either true fixes or at least temporary amelioration or avoidance while you deal with the mountain?

      I do something as simple as making sure I am warm and cozy when trying to make scary decisions, because I am more able to make a decision at all and more likely to make a good one if my body feels safe than if my brain is like “I am shivering therefore I must be scared therefore I must not take risks – hide, avoid, no decision and no risk today!” It’s hardly a foolproof strategy but some of us need every little trick. Good luck! Maybe your person is also like “Damn that Kayla Belle is cute, I sure hope we’re dating, oh god what if she thinks we’re not.” :)

  14. i love ugly apartments. don’t give me that shiny flipped clone crap that strips the character away from a place. give me inexplicable design details that no one’s put into an urban american apartment since 1953 or odd makeshift solutions to dividing off multiple units within a former single-residence rowhouse. my partner and i live in a garden-level apartment right now that’s got a full brick-walled-in back courtyard, a living room wall of exposed brick with a full raised-platform fireplace and built-in shelves, and a dark brown wood bar dividing the kitchen from the living room that’s straight out of midcentury-modern urban living heaven. we’re looking to relocate to NYC within the next year, and i wish i could pick this apartment (and its incredibly affordable price!) up and take it there with me. but i’m loving looking at all the ugly apartments in NYC listings right now. there was a listing in brooklyn i was in love with that had a full half flight of plastered-off stairs leading to nowhere in the living room… all i could think of was the awesome holiday decorating ideas that would open up. another that was centered around an extremely long, narrow open-plan kitchen with exposed brick along an entire wall, with connecting bedrooms/spare rooms on each end… how awesome, if you were really into cooking, would it be to have your kitchen be the communal great room of your space that way?

    give me allllll the ugly apartments that appall six-figure douches who want keycard building entry and high-rise water views from floor-to-ceiling windows.

  15. Ok so if I’m getting totally crazy my dream house looks like a mini-castle with two turrets, and either painted in different shades of purple or made out of stone. One turret (also the key element of my dream home) is the dream library, which basically looks like a wizard’s tower with a spiral staircase. (side note: the spiral staircase has been a feature of this daydream since I was a kid but these days I’m more involved with accessibility issues so that might be subject to change). It’s nearly entirely lined with bookshelves, with the occasional window seat alcove with lots of pillows and stuffed animals. It is meticulously organized by genre and then by category and then by how I feel about the given book.
    The second turret has my bedroom at the top and a slide going down into a ball pit at the bottom.
    Also, it has a really excellent kitchen with granite countertops and lots of wood paneling.
    The living room has exposed brick walls, hardwood floors, and a fireplace. It also has many really comfy couches and beanbag chairs.
    My older sibling and I frequently like to plan our hypothetical queer Jewish commune, and this house would be the center of that. There’s lots of bedrooms for all the chosen fam to get to control their own space, and we all share responsibilities for cooking, cleaning, and childcare and petcare. There’s a hydroponic greenhouse for my older sib, a lavish playroom for the kids, a couple rooms set aside so we can always host people last minute for the weekend, a quiet room with muted colors and soundproof paneling where no one is allowed to talk as a destress zone for folks with sensory issues, and many secret passageways just because they’re awesome.
    The house itself would ideally be located near a city with public transit to the city a short walk from a body of water, though I can be flexible on whether that’s a river, stream, lake, or the ocean.

    Writing this, I’ve discovered how my fantasies have evolved as an adult. The core I’ve written is the same general fantasy I’ve had since I was pretty young…but now it’s been modified to make space for all the people I love, my chosen family. So, that’s a cool change.

    • LEORRRRRRAAAAAA are you me. Put in some skylights and some forest around it ooo and can we have an observatory please it must be somewhere with lovely dark skies. Some bookshelves are built into the walls and others into the headboards of the beds and at least one swings open to reveal a secret passageway (with, of course, more built-in bookshelves). Also hammocks. There’s an herb garden, and it smells wonderful. The body of water is such that kayaking is possible, and we have single and double kayaks. There’s a playground outside with equipment sturdy enough that the adults can use it too.

  16. I dream of a place that has a large kitchen, lots of cabinet space and counter surfaces! A perfect beautiful oven! I think its cute when there is a dining space in the kitchen, so big open floor space and room to move/dance in the whole kitchen would be good. If I had that and then a room that can fit all my bookshelves and bed that I could make into a perfect little nest, I would be soooo satisfied and happy!
    Lately I’ve been daydreaming about spending time with someone. I’ve always been soo independent and love doing things alone, so doing a thing I normally do alone and thinking about doing it with this person instead is weird. But a nice weird. And I just wish I knew whether they daydream about spending time with me in the same way! yup. yup.

  17. I want a cabin in the mountains. I’m from Asheville so I would want to stay in the North Carolina area. Also, I can’t do cold winters. Otherwise, Maine or Canada would be options. Close to hiking and mountain biking trails. Next to a lake, with a dock, so I can put in my kayak.

    The cabin itself would have to have a couple of fireplaces. I would need several living areas that would include at least one reading nook/library. While I would need space for us to play games I would also want a comfortable place for someone who wants to do their own thing to chill out. Three or four bedrooms. At least two and a half bathrooms. I’m low maintenance but damn my friends are not. A large dining area so we can all sit at the same table. I like clearly defined spaces. I agree with the open concept stuff being crap.

    Now, for the important part, the kitchen. I would want a chef’s kitchen. Not a House Hunters chef’s kitchen with all that granite countertop stainless steel appliances nonsense. Quartz countertops except in one area where I would have a long slab of marble for sugar and chocolate fun. Proofing oven, large pantry, and I kid you not, a walk-in cooler. I would need a lot of storage space so maybe a butler’s pantry. Ceramic ovens with steam injectors. Gas stove with eight eyes. Griddle and a grill. Farmhouse sink and a prep sink. A beverage cooler and crushed ice. A couple of pot fillers. Large bins for ingredients such as flours and sugars. A steam kettle, warming drawers, and temperature regulated countertop. I’m not completely nuts so just a large table top Hobart mixer, with attachments. Two high powered food processors. Shelving units to hold multiple sheet pans or somewhere to park a speed rack without it sticking out. Heated floors and a view of the lake. That would be a good start.

    Last night some guy was mansplaining something to my best friend about her beach house, that he has never been to. It got destroyed in the hurricane and she just looked at him and said “are you fucking serious right now?’. He looked at me like I was going to save him and I just said “well, are you?’. This is a man that has known both of us for many years and he still does this a regular basis and we’re just not having it.

  18. I love looking at houses but my rejection of capitalism in this moment is not to pick any of them but just enjoy all of the possibilities ^_^

    I’m submitting my first ever journal article on Sunday if I can respond to all my supervisor’s comments on time, so that’s the biggest thing on my mind right now! There’s a hard deadline to submit so if I don’t make it I’ll be very disappointed, but I think it’s doable ?

  19. Honestly, my dream house would be cozy, well-insulated and built with sustainability in mind (maybe even offgrid entirely if we could get away with it), probably in a nice patch of woods not *too* far from a major city. There’d be lots of open space in the interior, and enough room for bookshelves to house *all* of our collection.

    As for my week, it’s been (mostly) good. I wrote some code that’ll automate part of the data analysis I’m doing for my dissertation, which will probably save me hours and hours of work. I came up with a really kick-ass burlesque solo choreography (basically, it’s set to Systemagic by Goldfrappe, and the costume is me as a post-apocalyptic sexbot), and I’ve already submitted it to a show a friend is producing (still waiting to hear back from her). My wife was the only person in her differential equations class who got a 100% on the latest exam so, I’m very proud of her. And tonight I’m hosting a Girl’s Night for all women in my lab, including my adviser (who’s going through a nasty break-up and we all figured could use it). All in all, things are feeling pretty well in-hand.

    The one thing I’ve been struggling with is that, for a long time, my wife was under such tremendous stress from work that her sex drive basically died (understandably so). Recently she’s switched to part-time, which has done wonders for her mental health (yay!). The thing that I’ve recently been dealing with a lot of insecurity about is that while her sex drive seems to be returning, we’ve had a lot of bad luck (first I got sick, then she got sick (twice), and most recently, now that we’re both recovered, she’s about to start her period), and I worry what will happen when we finally get to point where there are no excuses. Y’see, I’m trans, and my transition started right about the same time her job stress started ramping up- so we’ve never really “had” a period where I’ve both been transitioned, and she’s had the headspace to have something closer to her normal libido. And even though she’s identified as bisexual since high school, and is pretty physically affectionate with me in general, I worry that it’ll eventually come out that she’s just not really that attracted to me anymore (it doesn’t help as much that she’s said as much during PTSD episodes, but I’ve learned to take whatever she says during those with a grain of salt- often, it’s not her talking, it’s the trauma).

    Honestly, for me, it’s not even really about the sex- I just want to feel wanted, to feel desired. I live in a society that constantly tells me I’m an inherently unattractive freak, and even though the success I’ve had in burlesque belies that, well, it hurts worse when it’s the person you married.

    I’m planning to sit down and talk to her about it later this weekend, and hopefully figure out what (if anything) is going on, and how to proceed from there- whether she actually *is* attracted to me still (and perhaps is just nervous about having sex with someone who (now) has a vagina due to lack of experience), or if she isn’t and we can deal with that (whether that’s opening up the relationship, or me merely reducing the amount of testosterone I supplement to lessen my own libido). Hopefully, though, we’ll be able to work things out, and this is just my anxiety getting the best of me. Wish me luck!

    • Tessa ~ wishing you not so much luck as the space to feel heard, the knowledge that you are desirable, and for you to be able to experience that fully.

      I’m glad you’re going to talk. My own experience with desire (and feeling undesirable/ unwanted) has been that acknowledging how I truly felt is the only way that things were able to change positively. Sometimes they changed in unexpected ways, but always in a necessary direction.

      I really wish you the very best. And also your burlesque act sounds amazing!

    • Sounds like you need to update your AS profile, I was like “wait isn’t she one of the astronomy people here” and “quite possibly the world’s only trans lesbian astrobiologist” could be amended to “quite possibly the world’s only trans lesbian post-apocalyptic sexbot astrobiologist.” I mean, just sayin’. :)

  20. I love hearing other people talk about their dream houses/apartments/living spaces because everyone is so different and it reminds me that life is a rich tapestry.

    I don’t have strong feelings about a dream house but there are two components that I am unwaveringly certain on: a big, beautiful, witchy kitchen like the one in Practical Magic and a cozy library with floor to ceiling books like Beauty and the Beast. I DREAM of having a kitchen where I can dry herbs, bake, try new recipes, etc while still making room for dogs and kids to run around. And the library speaks for itself, I think, I can’t have been the only kid to watch Beauty and the Beast and covet that library.

    The other stuff I’m flexible on (although I agree, no open floor plan!), but I would like room in the backyard for a little garden and a porch where I can sit with friends and drink white wine on a summer night.

  21. I was born and raised in appartment, but more and more, I’m dreaming of a home.
    My ideal home is of course 100% wheelchair accessible and thus, very big. It’s an old farm – I don’t care about style, I like the old american house as well as the traditional houses here (stone and bricks). I would have a big garden, a pond, a pool. The house is very big, old, and there is room for my wife and my (minimum) 5 children. I’m married to a lovely butch woman who is always building stuff in this house, and I’m a stay-at-home mom who take care of the garden, cooking, cleaning, as well as sewing decorations and also reading all the time. We are a close-knit family although our kid’s friends are always welcome. It’s comfy and it’s a place where you want to spend time, do nothing… It’s also a place where you can live traditionnal values, but in a good way : respecting others, building things with your hands, honoring the traditions from my part of the country (like our own language, legends, etc…).

    Now back in real life, I’m single af (hi French girls on this website !!) I’m not sure if I’m going to survive this school year, and I joined another choir again. Please stop me from joining choir. I was supposed to make room for therapy and here I am, singing alto again.

  22. My ideal house is on a cliff top, with the beach below. A big garden to grow fruit and veg, a biiiiig kitchen, and 3 or 4 bedrooms, enough for us and our kids and one for guests. Nothing fancy, but cosy :)

    We just got paid (finally) so next week we need to take our new kitty to the vet. She’s now 7 weeks old, we got her at 3 weeks rescued from a friend’s garden because the mother wasn’t taking care of her properly. She had a sibling who died, so we took her in. She was so teeny tiny and couldn’t walk properly….she looked like a large rat and walked with her bum in the air! Meet Sapphire (Sappho)

    IMAG3716

    She’s so cute, I swear that everyone who came to my birthday party last week only came to meet the kitten! I just made her an instagram account because I’m that I’m love with our furbaby :) two_lesbians_one_cat

    Anyway…hope y’all have a great weekend!

  23. Dream house? My only thoughts have ever been about having a big well shaded porch for rocking chairs and citrus trees in the backyard. Lime for margarita and mojitoes, lemon for everything but especially lemon curd.

    Now I think I want a fully screened wrap around porch with a solid roof, big enough in back for a dining table, and at least two ramps.

    Still have no thoughts to the rest of the house :P

  24. In terms of floor plan, my dream house would be very similar to my grandparents’ house(one story, four bedrooms, two-and-a-half baths, a large kitchen, and a huge backyard with a swing), but located right here in Central Florida instead of just outside Oklahoma City. We would have a craft room, a library, a game room, a great big fishtank, a screened in porch converted into a kitty playroom, a hot tub out back, and lots of china cabinets to display all the stuff we packrats have accrued over the years.

  25. I don’t have a concrete future place that I day dream about. It’s more like a feeling? Like I want a place where I feel safe. A place that’s quiet, calm, and relaxed. Where I can have friends and chosen family over for a meal. Where I can take a lazy Sunday and just read all day on the couch.

    I would like plants though. Not sure if its the kind that make the food or the kind that are just nice to have. I’d like a cat too.

    I’d like there to be a lot of light and warm feelings. I want it to be home.

  26. Hi everyone, I am beginning to think about finally leaving my parents’ house next year. This feels like a scary new step since I have always gotten very negative reactions when I’ve talked about leaving. I’m in my 30s, so I feel they have no right to “keep me” any longer. But oddly, I’m still very attached to the house where I grew up, which is part of what kept me here so long. It’s an older house with wood floors and crank-open windows, with a porch swing and a back yard.
    Right now, I know I’ll have to settle for apartments next year, so it’s hard to even dream about an ideal house. I would definitely want porch, patio and yard space, and be located close to parks, hiking trails, beaches or waterfront sidewalks like I have now. I feel I am asking for so much. I wasn’t raised with central air; just small window units that were run during the hottest hours of the afteernoon. (Y’all are going to think I’m out of my mind because I live in Florida, but I still don’t want freezing cold AC running 24/7. I am very connected to the outdoors, and I don’t like the feeling of being cut off from nature or fresh air. Wherever I end up living, I wish above all else to have a community of friends around me. I am still working on building those relationships, and I don’t have a very good track record. I feel so sad sometimes, hoping I don’t go through life all alone. I’m coming out to myself and others rather late in life, and I fear I may reach menopause before I find a girlfriend!

  27. I daydream about future homes a lot. If we pretend that cost and location are no object…

    I partly want a yurt because roundness! and seeing the sky through that peephole in the middle of the ceiling! But maybe like one of those big fancy wooden ones because I love stability.

    At my dream home there would be lilacs, and daffodils, and snap peas, and basil, and mullein, and persimmons, and pawpaws. There would be a screen porch and a couple of chickens and a spinning wheel and a wood stove and a giant bathtub. There would be an outhouse with roses and lambs-ear growing next to it. The kitchen would be cozy, yellow, well-lit, and well-equipped. There would be just enough room for me, maybe my partner, and my kid (and maybe a baby…) And maybe some extra space for guests. It would be all or mostly on one floor, and accessible by ramp. There would be air conditioning and/or a climate reasonably low in humidity, so I’d never have to worry about everything getting moldy again. It would be in the woods, right next door to the Virginia commune my family and friends live in, and it would also be conveniently just down the street from my beloved cousins in western Massachusetts. It would mostly be spring and fall there, with brief forays into summer and winter.

    Thank you for asking. This is one of my favorite things to think about.

  28. Never considered stuff like open or closed floor plans so I’m looking at this article with the pros and cons of each.

    “Do you spend a lot of time in the kitchen? An open floor plan can let you socialize while you cook.”

    And that right there is my decider on open vs closed, I absolutely despise interacting with other people when I cook. Get people the fuck away from me when I’m at the active parts of cooking.

    Adult me as much better hold on my temper than teen or child me did but still one of the things that easily sets me off gets me yelling is people trying to talk to me while I measure and actively cook most especially when I have requested they not try to converse with me while doing -short list of things- but do people listen to my polite request? Noooo.

    So sign me up for team Anti-Open Floor plan AL(aina) fully on board.

    • lex that is ABSOLUTELY it! stop trying to talk to me when i’m cooking! let me present you with a meal without letting you know how sweaty i got standing in front of the stove or how i haven’t put away any dishes yet! CLOSE THAT KITCHEN!

  29. My dream home would be calm and surrounded by windows looking out onto the ocean and trees.

    Otherwise, I’ve been really liking occasionally subbing as a TA recently. I’m hoping to explore the opportunity for new positions over Thanksgiving weekend. I’m loving the idea of new challenges, and how learning can be made enjoyable for everyone.

  30. Ok, if money is not a problem (or the fact that this has been the French embassy since 1939) this is my dream house: Palacio Ortiz Basualdo

    I could have a freaking BDSM dungeon on every single floor to satisfy my Switch needs, one to be a Dom and one to be a Sub

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