Welcome to the twelfth recap of the second season of Faking It, a 17-minute infomercial for Thighmasters from the same network that brought you Big Tips Texas.
We open in Karma’s backyard, where her mother is making artisinal soaps, probably planning a re-boot of Piper Chapman and Holly McSleepingwithLarryonpurpose’s successful Brooklyn-based artisanal soap business.
Karma thinks Mom needs to put away the tonics and potions and hot wax and focus on a “real job,” which’ll begin with crafting a “real resume,” and will ideally end with them moving back into their house where Karma will no longer be awoken by her parents having hot lean-to sex. Mrs. Karma reminds her plucky young offspring that her first job will always be “mother.”
Unfortunately, Mrs. Karma’s resume reads more like Brook Soso’s: aura cleanser, mushroom forager, unlicensed massage therapist. Karma is losing hope, but I’m just delighted every time Karma’s Mom has a scene. I love her.
Over in Amy’s impeccably clean fortress of sapphistry, Amy and Reagan are snuggling while Reagan gushes about how much she loves Amy and wishes she could carry her around in her pocket all day. Just like chapstick! That’s what “chapstick lesbian” means now, it’s official. Reagan is clingy like saran wrap, it turns out. For example, they’re down a cater-waiter tonight at her job, maybe Amy could substitute —
Hark! It’s Karma! KARMA NEEDS A JOB! REAGAN HAS A JOB! PROBLEM SOLVED.
Some time or perhaps no time at all later, Shane’s lamenting his inability to schedule quality time with Amy now that she’s Lesbian Nesting with Reagan.
Amy: Nesting? We’re not pigeons!
Shane: She’s been staying in your coop every night this week!
Amy: That’s exactly why I need to stay in tonight, I need a little “Me Time.”
Shane suggests Amy tells Reagan she feels suffocated. Amy suggests that Shane tell Duke he outed them. Shane wonders if that angry music is playing in his head. Shane and Amy determine that it’s definitely coming from Lauren’s room… or should I say Lauren’s LAIR? ‘Cause Lauren’s gone A on us, although her hoodie is a little washed out.
Later that fine evening, Reagan and Karma are in their best drag king duds preparing to cater-waiter the hell out of this event. Hey, they had to hang out alone eventually, right? This’ll be a very interesting night!
Karma’s disappointed to learn that her job will be “sweeper,” which doesn’t actually mean clearing the ball if it happens to get past the defensive lines, it means picking up the sordid remains of shrimp cocktail with her bare hands.
As you may have predicted, this event is a Squerkle event, which means there’ll be free Yogurtland, on-site hairstylists, a yoga studio and sensual massages with happy endings for everybody after the show. Liam’s lurking in the wings, lamenting his obligation to exist on a stage wearing Skkurkul cyborg glasses that make him look a lot more like Mr. Peanut and a lot less like Brutus the Buckeye.
But really, he’s mostly stressed out about seeing a shirtless male human in Karma’s room last night! Does Zita think Karma and Shirtless Guy are banging?
Intern Baked Zita: He could be a homeless guy that Karma’s helping clean up for his first job interview?
Liam: You think so?
Intern Zita: No, they’re doing it! Liam, if you want her back, just tell her.
Liam: No, she’ll just say no, she hasn’t forgiven me yet.
I’m ready for a spinoff called Lesbian Pigeon Nesters, starting Intern Zita and Lauren as power lesbians. Then Liam accidentally opens the web browser on his glasses and starts reading Autostraddle’s NSFW Sunday archives just as Karma passes by his general area, and immediately freezes —
Reagan’s barely done relishing in Karma’s awkwardness when she spots HER ex. Hey-o!
Back at Chez Fawcett, Shane and Amy are doing a little walk-through of Lauren’s devotional to Theo.
Amy: This is the work of someone seriously unhinged.
Shane: I always said she could use a good dose of electroshock… she’s standing right behind us, isn’t she?
Lauren suggests they see themselves out, but Shane wants to talk about how Lauren’s revenge fantasies are very impractical. Arsenic takes FOREVER to work, maybe they should try something from Breaking Bad or think about sexually suggestive installation art or dressing him in S&M gear and tying him to a chair in the garage?
Shane: If you wanna get back at Theo, why don’t you just go to his new school and out him as a narc?
Lauren: Outing people? That’s your solution to everything isn’t it? It’s too simple and totally obvious.
Amy: And let’s not forget dangerous! He might get the crap beat out of him by a mob of angry students!
Lauren: Good point, it’s perfect.
These two are experts at pulling the sociopath out of each other.
According to Lauren’s intel, Theo’s been shooting some b-ball outside the school known as Baldwin High, where he’ll certainly be making an appearance at tonight’s pep rally. Just for the record, no school would let an out-of-district non-student over the age of 19 onto their basketball team. If they win, all their games could be stricken from the record!
Amy thinks this is a bad idea but Shane thinks it sounds super-fun! This is very next-level for Amy, who probably was anticipating a long night of making friendship bracelets and eating Pop Rocks while marathoning old episodes of Hannah Montana.
Back at the OurChart launch party, Reagan’s chatting up her ex with some bitter herbs when her new boyfriend shows up and Charlotte introduces Reagan as “an old friend.” Oh girl. Do not introduce your lesbian ex to your new boyfriend as an old friend, you wicked, wicked lady. You are basically begging for her to blow her nose into your martini glass!
Meanwhile, Karma and Liam finally run right into each other’s clean & clear faces and quickly lie to each other about why Karma’s cater-waitering (“I love it! A new party every night!”) and why Liam’s at a Storkle event to begin with! (“It’s a very long and very boring story.”) You know I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that “being more comfortable lying to your partner than telling them the truth” is a pretty good sign that you shouldn’t be together. BUT WHATEVER.
Liam says he met Karma’s “new friend” last night in her room, but Karma’s like, oh he’s just a friend. JUST LIKE THE SONG. Meanwhile, Liam is also her friend who she occasionally has sex with.
Liam: “I get it. I just didn’t realize that you had other friends?”
Karma: “I do, and you should too.”
Liam: “I should?”
Karma: “Yeah, ’cause you’re just a friendly guy.”
He introduces Zita to Karma as a “new friend” and then announces they’ll be visiting the restroom together, which’s quite a blow to dear Karma. Just then, Reagan shows up, livid after her interaction with Charlotte.
Reagan: “We dated for two years and she’s gonna introduce me as her FRIEND?”
Karma: “Well, Liam just went with his new FRIEND to the bathroom to have sex.”
Reagan: “We can’t let them treat us like this! We have to make them pay.”
Karma doesn’t want blood on her hands, which’s why she never has period sex with Amy and also why Reagan and Karma conclude the best course of action would be to get revenge on each other’s exes! At last they’ve found common ground: theatrics.
Cut to Karma encouraging Charlotte to enjoy an allegedly vegan item with a toothpick in it.
But before this interaction can turn into a conversation about bullshit shredded beet burgers, Zita rolls up with some real talk:
Zita: Karma, I’m not sleeping with Liam.
Karma: I could care less. [beat] You’re not?
Zita: Not even a little bit. He only has eyes for you. he’s too noble to tell you this, but I’m not. The guy gave up art to get you and your family out of jail. That’s the deal he made with his Dad.
Meanwhile, Shane and Lauren are having a hard time trying to break into Baldwin and Amy’s having a hard time convincing them to go home for some McFlurries.
Shane’s shocked to hear that Amy enabled Karma and Reagan spending the evening together, and presses Amy for why she can’t tell Reagan that she needs space. To be fair, Reagan has a way of steamrolling a conversation, but Amy has a way of doing whatever she can to avoid conflict — it’s not a great match, really, but it’s what Amy’s used to, because Karma does the same thing.
Shane: So if you can’t ask for space I’m guessing you didn’t tell her you’re sometimes attracted to guys? If you wanna have a real relationship with Reagan you can’t keep things from her because you’re scared she won’t wanna hear them.
However, before this delightful conversation can proceed for any additional moments of our lives, Lauren busts outside from inside, which she has handily busted into.
So, Reagan got a roofie from creepy Steve and dissolved it in Liam’s water, which definitely one-ups Karma giving Charlotte a non-vegan egg roll and is AWFUL. Unfortunately, or fortunately, maybe, Liam’s dad rolls up and downs the water before Liam’s lips touch the sweet soft glass. He’s just super nervous about the biggest product launch in company history!
Lauren and Shane are undercover as cheerleaders and Amy is dressed like a drag king pirate.
They’re gonna sneak in and join the cheer squad in order to take over the microphone and tell everybody that Theo is a narc. Also it looks like they’re working on a really small set.
Amy: Why do I have to be the mascot?
Lauren: Because you have the coordination of a baby goat.
Shane: [to Amy] Is it weird that i’m slightly attracted to you right now?
Lauren is so prepared to out-bitch the head bitch in charge of the cheerleaders, informing her that they’ve been bumped up from JV and fucking DEAL WITH IT! Amy says revenge won’t make Lauren feel better. Lauren says it can’t possibly make her feel worse. I beg to differ.
Lauren and Shane, as anybody could easily predict, completely throw off the routine ’cause they don’t know it.
Now it’s time for the basketball team to make their grand entrance, and Lauren is licking her chops, prepared to make a huge stupid mistake.