And now in Autostraddle’s Queer Beauty Bar we are going to talk about chapsticks, just like sweatpants.
We’re fairly sure that ‘lipstick lesbian’ is a thing because we have seen it on the Internet and on The L Word. But we are less sure about the term ‘chapstick lesbian,’ except that Jess R says it’s a thing her ex-girlfriend used to say. Anyways, we need it to be a thing, because we are all about chapstick for ever and ever, world without end, amen. Working on the assumption that it is, here are some chapsticks we have positive feelings about. And they have positive feelings about us. It’s all pretty gay.
1. Classic Cherry Chapstick
OR IS THAT THE BISEXUAL CHAPSTICK? Thanks Katy Perry!
2. Burt’s Bees Beeswax: The Best Chapstick That Rachel Can’t Afford
Also, it has menthol or something in it, which is nice for kissing because it makes the other person’s lips slightly tingly. Just for the record.
3. Burt’s Bees Honey Lip Balm
This smells a little funny but tastes really sweet when you kiss someone.
4. Blistex Medicated Ointment
Not a chapstick at all, this lip product is for when it’s really cold and windy and you have no intention of making out with anyone within the next half hour and/or ever. Blistex Medicated Ointment is all business, despite the super sweet taste.
5. Blistex Daily Conditioning Treatment
Also not necessarily chapstick, as it comes in a pot. It’s nearly impossible to find Blistex DCT in a reliable way. If you ever see DCT at a drug store, you should buy two, because they won’t be back for another three months and even then they’ll be in an entirely different, nonsensical location, usually just out of reach behind a box of tampons for some reason.
6. Bonne Bell Watermelon Lip Smackers
For when you want everyone within a three-foot radius to think you’re enjoying the most delicious piece of watermelon bubblegum on this fine planet, but without the gum. No one can resist the allure of Watermelon Lip Smackers. No one.
7. Vegan Spearmint Lip Balm
God, vegans.
8. Carmex Lip Balm
The sweatpants of lip products.
9. Banana Boat Sport Performance Sunscreen Lip Balm
For when you’re playing softball and need some SPF.
10. C.O. Bigelow Mentha Lip Balm
Usually you have to go to the mall at least once a year, and it’s a heinous experience, and you can’t believe you ever did this voluntarily or with any excitement. There are two things that make mandatory mall stops endurable: Auntie Anne’s pretzels and getting a tube of Bigelow’s mint lip balm from Bath & Body Works. As chapsticks go, this one is a little pricey, and also not chapstick, but well worth it because it’s the only balm that acts as a breath freshener. Other balms are minty, yes, but Bigelow’s is superior in every way.
I’m not a huge chapstick fan; I have a few, mostly partially used and lost in a dark corner. I do like Smith’s, but I’m not big on how messy it is/I am. I usually rub the excess into dry spots on my hand for a spot treatment, which is pretty effective. Blistex I like pretty well; it seems to stay put and has some sort of really good wind-blocking power. Aveeno used to make one (now discontinued) that was amazingly good (tan tube, olive green cap– I don’t remember exactly what it was called): worked well, stayed forever, and your hair didn’t stick in it.
My favorite right now is one I bought at the summer street fair from someone local who makes them; it was only a dollar, but it’s really good. I’m not sure what’s in it; I just looked at it, and it doesn’t list ingredients. Next summer, I’ll stock up.
Mostly I use Clinique Chubby Sticks, really. I think that’s technically a balm? Guess that puts me between chapstick and lipstick. Quick! Somebody label me! I have no identity!
EOS lip balm. I love that crap. My cat also likes tumbling the little round containers around the apartment, so bonus points for use as a cat toy.
Im obsessed with EOS and the pomegranate Burts Bees! I cleaned out my room and found all of my lost chapsticks, omg so many I filled a whole bag